For me the whole month of December and lead up to Christmas and then celebrating a new year is an amazing time of year for me and for many reasons. As a young adult I dreaded Christmas as it was a reminder of my lacking and longing for love. Christmas was lonely. Some years it was scary.
Since I began my journey to wholeness, Christmas and the few weeks following New Year’s has become a time to validate and acknowledge the wonder of life, the changes I’ve made and the things that I have accomplished. The holiday season has become about real love and real relationships and celebrating that love. January and the weeks following New Years are also about coming home to me and the journey of life. Christmas marks the end of one year and New Years marks the beginning of another and during this time of year I also celebrate and validate all accomplishments of the previous year and get ready for a new year welcoming the many more accomplishments and victories to come.
And some times when I am pondering all of this wonder in my life, I have a healing dream;
A few nights ago I dreamed a very vivid healing dream. I dreamt that I was a professional basketball player. I was playing a very intense game and the crowd was cheering wildly. I saw myself from the outside of my body and I was also aware of myself from the inside where my thoughts and feelings were. I was dreaming, but I was experiencing myself as the dreamer as well.
The lights were bright almost too bright. I was out of breath and very aware of how much I was perspiring and how warm I felt. I noticed a faint sheen of perspiration on my arms and on my upper lip. My hair felt damp. I felt good! I felt healthy and strong. Everything was loud; the crowd, the announcer, my coach, the other teams coach; there was this feeling of intense excitement. And I noticed the brightly lit score board; the game was tied!
In a flurry of activity, a lot of dribbling and passing and what seemed like organized confusion, I scored the winning basket!
For those of you who don’t know, I am in my fifties. Since menopause became a big part of my life this last few years have struggled with being over-weight and although I have been fit for most of my adult life, I am not particularly athletic. I don’t actually know much about basketball, nor am I a big fan so I am not sure why that sport was highlighted in my dream. But this dream was not about basketball. This dream was about my life. This dream was about who I am today and how far I have come in my personal growth.
In this dream I was proudly wearing a very unattractive uniform in favorite shade of green and my hair was corn braided! I was wearing high-top shoes and green and white knee socks that matched my uniform. As the dreamer, I was thinking OH WOW, my hair looks really cool but I think it makes me look older and that uniform leaves a lot to be desired but wow, I love those shoes! Hahaha.
In my mind in the dream, I knew that I was a really amazing basketball player. I knew that I was a leader on the team and an important member of the team. I loved my teammates. I belonged on that court; I fit in there. I took all the lights and cheering in stride; in the dream I was used to it. I was just part of the whole picture. I was comfortable with myself and with my gift. I had this understanding and awareness that this is just ‘what I do’ and I am good at it. I wasn’t self-conscious about my weight, my age, my hair or my uniform. None of that defined me in any way. This was such a powerful realization for me; this level of acceptance of myself is something I strove for, for so many years.
I was aware of the cheering during the last few minutes of the game when I scored the winning basket and the feeling of pride and even honour that I felt. I scored the winning basket, but I didn’t do it alone. I was part of a team. I was trusted with the ball and I delivered.
The crowd went wild when the announcer said that I had won the award for the most valuable player! I could feel the heat from the intensity of the game and from the bright lights ~ I could see and feel the sweat on my body as my team mates thumped me on the back congratulating me for the MVP award. All my life I thought that being a star, having approval, or being recognized would make me happy, but at this moment in the dream (and then as soon as I woke up) I knew that it isn’t what I do, it’s who I am that matters. It isn’t what other people think, it’s what I think about me that makes all the difference.
As I was walking off the court, an older man walked up to me and said “don’t you think you are a bit too fat to be playing professional sports”. And I looked him straight in the eye and responded “why would you feel the need to say such a discounting and disrespectful thing to me? What possibly could your motive be?” I was thinking about the expression “don’t tell me it can’t be done when I have already done it.” He looked like a fish out of water standing there turning red with his mouth opening and closing while he unsuccessfully searched for the perfect reply. I shrugged as I turned back to my teammates and forgetting all about that pathetic man I smiled my brightest smile and we walked off the court together laughing and talking about our victory.
I love to figure out the significance of my dreams. This dream wasn’t about basketball, but about who I am as a person. It was a validation dream. This dream reminded me that I am ‘the most valuable player’ in my own life. I am ‘in the game’ and part of the team and my team validates and acknowledges me and my worth in the overall game of life and so do I just as I validate their worth and contribution. This dream is about Emerging from Broken, this website, the work that I do in this world and the contribution that I make and the fact that ‘we’ are all part of a team here too. This dream is about the confidence that I have now, confidence that I never had when my life belonged to others. I heard the applause and I was comfortable with it. It didn’t define me; it was just part of living in my purpose. I recognized an abuser and called him on his nasty verbal put down. This is how I am today. He didn’t take my joy. He didn’t define me. He didn’t make me cry or even hurt my feelings because I recognized him for the pathetic bully that he is. He had no power over me; after all, I just won the game.
I am a star in my own life.
I am the most valuable player in my own life and I am as valuable as any other player on the team.
I live what I teach and I live in truth. I am a survivor and even more that that today I TRIVE and flourish in my life; I know my worth and that is the greatest reward that has been a direct result of doing the healing work and facing how the broken began.
It all began with one single ray of hope that perhaps I could do it. It began with the hope that perhaps there really was healing and wholeness on the other side of broken and perhaps I too could have it. It began with ME taking that leap of faith that maybe, just maybe the answers really were inside of me, and they were!
This is my hope for each of you in 2104. Thank you all for being part of my dream. Thank you all for supporting OUR team!
Happy New Year! See you on “the court”!
May the truth set you free;