Christmas Feelings when Family Rejects You and the Truth about Love

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carla mexico marketThis time of year is particularly difficult for survivors of dysfunctional family dynamics and abusive relationships. When the world appears to be celebrating the joys of warm family love and the longing to be together, it’s hard not to feel the pain of not being loved unconditionally especially if that includes the members of your own family of origin.

A commenter on the emerging from broken blog said something this week that struck me as one of the hardest things about having lived in a dysfunctional family where relationship and love were taught and modeled the wrong way. When love and acceptance is communicated in a false way, the resulting damage can inhibit our self-esteem from growing in a healthy and positive way and cause us to feel responsible for the failure in the relationship. Her comment was about her new realizations since the passing of her mother. I could deeply relate to her realization that she wanted to be missed. It was particularly devastating to me when I realized that I wasn’t missed. The truth was that if I wasn’t going to comply and function in the relationships in the way that I was taught and groomed to, then I was dis-missed. A huge part of the healing process for me was in the process of understanding how this ‘dismissal’ was not my fault but rather it was related to my strength and a sign of healing and taking my life back from those who believed that they owned me.

Here is the comment from this precious reader:

 “I was estranged from my mother for 15 years or so and she died last month. It is sad knowing she is gone, but it has allowed the passing of a deep rooted sense of hope of reconciliation from her that was never going to happen, and the realization that I wanted to be missed. It is hard to shake the shame of rejection by those from whom we expect unconditional love and that parental bond that can find superhuman strength when needed! If our family won’t love us, how do we convince others that we are worthy without the need to justify ourselves at deeper levels than words?”

I remember feeling this same way and having those same questions. That if my own family didn’t ‘love me’ how could anyone love me? I wondered who would or could love me. I remembered that I thought it was up to me to convince others, including my own family that I was worth loving. But the truth is that I didn’t believe it myself. After living so long in the dysfunctional family system where love was proved by compliance and obedience and love was proved by acceptance of whatever treatment was dished out, I didn’t know that I was worth it. I didn’t realize that I needed to embrace the truth that the ways their actions defined me, were false. They were wrong! What they taught me about me was all lies. I didn’t need to convince anyone that I was worth loving; I needed to convince myself.

The process of ‘emerging from broken’ was and continues to be a process where through looking at how my self-esteem had become so low in the first place, I was able to see the lies I believed about me and when I saw clearly that they were actually not true, I was able to overturn them. I had to expose these lies to myself in order to realize that my understanding of love was wrong because love had not been shown to me. Love isn’t something that I need to convince someone to do but because that is the ‘love’ I had learned growing up, that kind of ‘love’ was all I knew about.  

I carried a deep shame that my family didn’t want to be with me during holidays or at other significant times in my life. I have not spent a Christmas with my mother since I was 15. I have not spent Christmas with my father since I was 18. I believed it was my fault and was because of choices that I made which caused my parents not to want to see me.

I never considered that neither of my parents ever tried to see me for Christmas either. I was raised to believe that the relationship I had with everyone was up to me. I completely believed that the success or failure of my relationships was always up to me. I never understood that it takes two, that there are two sides to every relationship even though I used that expression (it takes two) as frequently as anyone else used it. I didn’t live it. I lived accepting that everything was up to me. I lived accepting that all failure, all rejection, all dysfunction was my fault. And so I lived trying harder and became more and more distressed and unhappy, because I (falsely) believed that I failed again and again.  I (falsely) believed that I could find the magic key that would make me become lovable and I kept trying.

But the key was within me all along. They key was seeing things through the grid of truth instead of through the grid of lies that I accepted about me. The truth was that I was addicted to proving myself and my worth instead of believing I had it in the first place.

Why did I believe that the shame was mine? It is so obvious to me now. It is so clear to me how I came to believe that I deserved to be rejected. And if I believed I deserved rejection, of course I also believed that the shame of it was mine. So the real key was in searching for and finding the truth about me. Was I a failure? If so, what made me a failure? I looked at the roots and the messages that I had been given. I looked at the details and sorted through the wreckage and finally realized that I did NOT bring this on myself. It was never me. I was too young when it all started for it to have been something that I did or deserved. When I looked at the details I realized that the acceptance and the rejection was inconsistent. I couldn’t win. It was never in the plan for me to know my value! It worked better for them if I didn’t know my value or worth.

Just as there are a lot of layers to the way false messages, abuse, neglect and the way our self-esteem is formed in the first place, there are a lot of layers to overcoming all those lies and false definitions too. If there was one simple answer, I wouldn’t have so many articles in this website! Looking at the details of those messages went miles towards my success in taking my life back from them and the unsticking the labels they applied to me.

It really helped me to understand that my family and the way that they regarded me, didn’t define me. The fact that they didn’t, wouldn’t or even if they just plain couldn’t love me was NOT about me, it was about them. I don’t have to convince anyone that I am worthy or lovable. I am. I just am. I was born lovable. I was born worthy. It wasn’t something I did that changed that truth. That truth never changed; what happened was that I was taught love wrong.  It was when I convinced myself (through embracing the truth) that I was lovable and worthy, that everything changed and that I began to heal from the damage those lies caused.

This year is harder for me because for the first time in my life as a mother, one of my children isn’t going to be home for the holidays. But I know the truth about this and the truth is always the key. My mother’s version of understanding is not part of the truth. I have discarded those old definitions of love and the way I was taught to prove my love in favor of the truth about what love really is. My daughter isn’t away from home this year because she doesn’t love me. It isn’t because I did something that caused her to reject me. It isn’t because I failed in the relationship. It isn’t a punishment. It doesn’t define me or our relationship. The truth is that my daughter is loved enough to know that she has choices for her own life and she has been empowered to make her own choices. She knows she is loved and she knows she is missed and she knows that no one is angry with her because she is away this year. And I know this truth too.

Learning what love really is has been one of the most important parts of the healing process for me and the easiest way to learn that is to clearly see what love isn’t. Love isn’t about convincing anyone of my value. Love isn’t about obligation or compliance. Love isn’t about doing what other people want if it isn’t best for them or you.

Each Christmas / Holiday season gets better for me. With each year that passes I am more settled and able to comprehend my value more deeply. With each year of living in wholeness and truth, my self-esteem becomes healthier; my relationships become richer and more loving, my smile becomes brighter and my life becomes more meaningful.  I don’t ‘prove my love’ by jumping through flaming hoops anymore. The false definition of love no longer rules my choices.

Wishing everyone a discovery of the real Truth,

There is freedom on the other side of broken;

Darlene Ouimet

My book “Emerging from Broken ~ The beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is now available on the upper right side bar here in the website.

P.S. For Coaching ~ NOTE~ I have a waiting list at this time. If you wish to join my wait list, please see the info page before contacting me. Thanks!

Related posts ~ Dysfunctional Family Christmas and giving the Wrong gift:

Dysfunctional Family Christmas and Being Alone

360 response to "Christmas Feelings when Family Rejects You and the Truth about Love"

  1. By: Gin Posted: 16th December

    One of the things that bothers me is being missed– to clarify even more, that the person who they miss isn’t the person I am. Or, I guess I should say, I am not the person I once was and who they shaped. I am growing and changing…or trying to. They do miss me. But they miss someone who doesn’t exist. Maybe someone who never did, except in their minds. They don’t know me at all. And they have no desire to know me. I hate that this realization holds me in from letting anyone know me…myself included, though not for lack of trying. I am just still so afraid. I try not to be. But I’m scared of things I can’t even name. I don’t like to even be called by name…being named makes me nervous. Being called out in that way. So, nameless, how can I be known. I guess I don’t mind that they miss that person I may have been at some point. I wish they knew who I was…or could know. I think it hurts that I feel the only way I can have a relationship with them is to be the person they miss. And it’s hard to figure out whether I should be that person to keep the relationship or whether to become…

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th December

      Gin,
      Excellent post!! Here is how I put it and what I hear you saying;
      The only way that they will want to be in relationship with me is if I am NOT ME.
      This isn’t love. They don’t even want to KNOW me…
      How can that even work? (and that is the point isn’t it? It doesn’t actually work. so sad..:( )
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  2. By: vivian Posted: 15th December

    Yes, I totally agree with this post, holiday seasons are always tough for me, filled with triggers I got from abusive and dysfunctional family. It’s extremely difficult for me to be emotional strong while all flashbacks reminded me how unworthy, useless and unlovable in my so-called biological related people.

    It’s very sad and I can resonate with many comments here left by other readers, many self-destructive behaviors are occurred during this tough time. It’s so scare and lonely to be around with people, everywhere is filled with joys, celebrations and harmony, except me, who feel kind of awkward in this kind of environment.

    So scare that I started the emotional eating disorder and depressed since weeks ago, still struggling day to day to get over all the emotions. Many years I have been dreaming there should have some kind of shelters or protection systems for victims/survivors as this is the most terrify/lonely/saddest time for those who still struggling from healing.

    Yes, I was raised in extremely dysfunctional family, where I was treated as a scapegoat and never can do things right. All the emotional, physical and sexual abuse destroy all my self-esteem, trust to people. It’s so tough to survive in abusive relationship while re-build all the right value at the same time. Many people think if there’s anyone betrayed/unloved by family, it should be that victim’s responsibility, he/she must do something wrong so family don’t like that person.

    Or they may think you should forgive no matter what your family did to you, otherwise that still your fault to get angry with your family. All these so-called comforters made the situation getting worse, that’s why there are so many victims shuttled down their emotions or don’t say a word about the abusive relationship because it’s hard to find supporters.

    Since I was young, I knew something was wrong in the family, that’s why I never want to follow and fight for the rights. But the more I stand up, the more I got bitten up and many rumors were created about me. I don’t have any support or any channel to say what I feel. I might win the so-called “justice” inside me, but the journey is brutal and extremely lonely.

    Every festival, reunions, family meetings, even my own birthdays…I was completely kicked out. While everyone is cheering, laughing and enjoying, I used to be the only one who cried so miserably about the treatment. My dad makes it very clear that if I don’t follow his rules, my life can never be nice at home. He gather all the family members to betray me and spread rumors about how bad/shame I should feel.

    Though I feel bad during this time, but this blog more or less give me energy and insights to live for. More work need to be done on healing journey, from time to time I do question myself as a sentence in this blog :“if my own family don’t love me, how could anyone?”. Holidays never easy for me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th December

      Hi Vivian
      It took a while for me to realize in the depths of my own heart that their rejection of me was not about me, but was indeed about them. That is one of the biggest reasons that I write this blog. It was very painful when I started to stand up and they pushed even harder; I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t worth the effort in their view but they were dead wrong. I AM worth it! (and today I don’t miss a thing about them)
      Thank you for sharing, I am sorry that happened to you as well,
      hugs Darlene

      Hi Mary
      This website is all about how I got my joy back. I hope that you will find some comfort here with us.
      Thank you for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  3. By: mary Posted: 14th December

    I’m lucky I live in the country now and not exposed to piped Christmas music from mid-November on. I can’t get in to Christmas, it used to be the most grievous time of the year. When I was a child it was always chaotic, 2 weeks stuck with over the top dramatic hostile people sucked! I tried to make them special for my kids, but I married a narciccist who made the holidays hell and bad memories for my children sadly. I don’t have anxiety because I’m far enough away to not worry about being looked up by my siblings, I’m just empty. I see people joyous and in the spirit but I don’t feel it, though I did take our dog to walk the Xmas parade, it was more for him then me, he likes to be the center of attention. lol My grandkids are all far away in another province, I’m sure if they were here to celebrate I’d feel different. Christmas is just a time to get through and over with for me.

  4. By: DXS Posted: 14th December

    Did you regret it once the packages were in the mail?

    YES! I’m also excluding birthdays, too. NO GIFTS FOR ANYONE as long as I’m NC.

  5. By: Light Posted: 14th December

    Thanks for commenting DXS. What made you decide to do it differently next year? Did you regret it once the packages were in the mail?

  6. By: DXS Posted: 14th December

    Light, I have made a preliminary decision about next year. Can’t fix this year, gifts already sent.

    If the situation is still the same, I’m sending NO gifts. I can’t let my siblings get in the middle, so I will have to exclude them from gifts. This also means I’m excluding the children, but the children are all grown, I don’t talk to them much, so I don’t see a big deal.

  7. By: DXS Posted: 13th December

    I’ve been trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship with young-adult-aged nieces and nephews, while disengaging with their parent (my sibling) but I don’t know if it’s possible.

    Light, that is where I am at. I live kind of far away from my siblings, so I don’t get to see nieces and nephews. I gave up maintaining relationships. They are grown.

  8. By: Hobie Posted: 13th December

    Doren – your description of the last Christmas you were with your sister sounded like you were actually alone anyway. I actually enjoy my own company when I’m alone. When I’m alone among people, it’s a whole different story.

    My daughter did the “smoke breaks” thing the last time I was with her. That was so thoughtless.

  9. By: Doren Posted: 13th December

    Oh, the jolly time of year is here again. I feel like I just had Christmas 4 months ago. It shall be celebrated once again with my chinchilla and her tiny stocking. For the third year in a row it will not be with my sister and mother. The last 2 Christmases I made the trek to my sister’s place I was basically ignored all day, watching tv or surfing on the computer by myself. My sister and her husband took half hour long smoke breaks in a spare room. Once Mom was picked up from the home and arrived, she was entertained with their constant presence and cat videos, the smoke breaks were brief and in-and-out.

    We sat at the dinner table, Mom asked about a pill in front of her. My sister said, “That’s your vitamin Mom, I know ALL the medication you’re supposed to take”. I looked at my sister, I’d asked her 6 months before what meds Mom was taking, she never sent me the info. Mom was doted on, never left alone for a second, my 55 year old sister called her Mommy at one point, I’d never heard her say that before. I couldn’t wait to get on my train and go home.

    A few days later I emailed my sister, I told her in a very non-aggressive way how I felt ignored at Christmas, no reply back. As Christmas approached the next year I mentioned my concerns again, and again no reply. I spoke to her on the phone about a possible visit, she told me she didn’t care if I came, she just didn’t want me to be alone. I didn’t go back. Why would I visit someone who doesn’t care I’m there? I didn’t realize at the time my sister only wanted me there to make it nice for Mom.

    My sister did come down to see me a few weeks before Christmas that year. The day she left she asked if I had got Mom anything for Christmas. I said no, she asked if she could buy something in my name, say it was from me. I was irritated but said yes. I couldn’t place why the request bothered me so much. Later I understood it was because my sister was interfering, and showing far more care for Mom’s feelings than mine. Although I don’t have any plans for Christmas, and don’t like the thought of being alone, that is preferable to me than seeing my family.

  10. By: Light Posted: 13th December

    DXS – Your first line is funny: ME, ME, ME…..!! Haha. Thank you for sharing your story and responding. Years ago one of my siblings told me out of the blue that he “appreciates if there isn’t a scene”…in other words I should keep myself in line. By the way, I typically don’t “make a scene” . I don’t like that he was trying to control me so he could stay in his happy place denial bubble.

    Hobie – Thank you as well for sharing your story. I really like what you said about those who try to stay neutral – I never thought about it that way yet you are so right:

    “…people who want to be neutral have to avoid addressing the problem, which is exactly what the problem was to begin with.”

    I am sorry about your grandchildren. That sounds like such a heartache. I’ve been trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship with young-adult-aged nieces and nephews, while disengaging with their parent (my sibling) but I don’t know if it’s possible. They’ll be friendly to me when I see them, but we don’t seem to have a relationship outside of just happening to visit when we are both at the same place. It is not intentional.

    I’m glad you’ve found some loving friends in your life.

  11. By: Hobie Posted: 13th December

    Hi Light – it was a good idea for you to post here. Thanks for doing that!

    I understand your question of gifts because I’ve struggled with that for most of the past year or two. I came to some conclusions with my own situation that may or may not suit your situation.

    I’ve learned that in my situation, there’s no place for someone to be neutral. Some of my family tried to do that, and it really just compounded the original problem because people who want to be neutral have to avoid addressing the problem, which is exactly what the problem was to begin with.

    The destruction of my family began when I was looking for support, compassion and understanding from my mother & siblings. They all determined that they weren’t interested in my problems, and one was particularly vicious in their response to me. And one by one the rest of the family fell in line. They all want me to forget what was said, but it was true anyway. And I know it wasn’t. It was just cruel.

    I didn’t attend the family gathering, but I had gifts for everyone last year. It didn’t change anything. As time passed, some of the family members who tried to maintain contact, or at least not avoid contact became tense as the initial fracture wasn’t repaired.

    This year, I’ve determined that I’m not going to give any gifts to anyone at all, including my grandchildren. It seems wrong to step over parents in the hope of a relationship with grandchildren. They all have step-parents and other grandparents to make them feel loved, so why try to give them something when they don’t really know who I am anymore?

    I never liked shopping anyway, but being in the stores and seeing toys this time of year just sucks.

    ON the more positive side, I have found people who understand what I’m going through and are willing to listen and be empathetic and encouraging. I’ve found people who seem willing and capable of showing me love that my family has never been able to show me. I am very grateful for them, especially ones that are willing to share their family and traditions with my husband and me.

    I guess these friends are where I see my future. I don’t expect that the people who are close to me now will always be close to me. There are new friends among them, and old friends who became better friends as my heart was broken by my family. So I expect that there will probably always be opportunities for new friends and shifts in relationships as time passes.

    Hobie

  12. By: DXS Posted: 13th December

    Light! ME ME ME ME ME!!!! (raising hand……)

    Although my siblings are upset with me for the issues with my mom, I decided my beef is with my Mom and not my siblings. So, I decided to give to my siblings and kids, but not to Mom. I wrote my Mom a letter and told her I wasn’t giving her a present this year as I did not feel right about it. I haven’t heard back.

    Back story. when i was a kid, my mom always did the, “you don’t have to give me anything for my birthday (christmas, whatever).” Well, one time I was really upset at her and decided to “test” her on this. I didn’t get her a birthday present. Well, she got really mad and said, “I guess you made your point.”

    Yet, she continues to do the “you don’t have to get me anything” crap. Ok, I’m “testing” it again! Just to make a point.

    You mention “ripple effects.” I am scared of “ripple effects.” Some serious ones. Some I’m prepared to deal with if they happen, some I’m not, and there may be some I haven’t even thought of.

    I’m not doing Christmas so I don’t care about whether I’m “invited.” I stopped doing Christmas years ago and my family finally accepted it. Except I still give gifts, but I don’t accept any gifts.

    Speaking of “personal power,” I just had a conversation on the phone with one of my siblings who said, “If you make comments about Mom I’ll ream you out.” I said, “And I will ream you back.” Which lead to a big argument about “why are you trying to change yourself?” Oh, I get it. I’m not allowed to defend myself. I’m supposed to continue to be the quiet wuss you always knew so you could continue to make threats and “scare” me. No, not any more!

  13. By: Light Posted: 13th December

    Today I realized I am frightened of claiming my personal power. I am frightened of going LC or NC with certain family members (I have been doing so this past year) and what that means. What ripple effects will happen through the rest of the family – will other family members reject me if I go LC with my sibling (their parent)? What does that mean for MY life ahead?

    It’s really come to a head with gift-giving. How do I give to some and not to others? And some I don’t really want to give to but how can I not give to them, yet give to their parent? Should I just suck it up and do it, and be inauthentic to myself. Or just bring a big tin of cookies and leave it at that?

    Definitely more anxious as the holidays approach. Are others here going through similar feelings? I actually don’t know if I’m even invited.

  14. By: DXS Posted: 7th December

    “I was estranged from my mother for 15 years or so and she died last month. It is sad knowing she is gone, but it has allowed the passing of a deep rooted sense of hope of reconciliation from her that was never going to happen, and the realization that I wanted to be missed. It is hard to shake the shame of rejection by those from whom we expect unconditional love and that parental bond that can find superhuman strength when needed! If our family won’t love us, how do we convince others that we are worthy without the need to justify ourselves at deeper levels than words?”

    How true are these words. My Mom just had cancer cells removed from her leg. Thusly, I’m “supposed” to suck it up and become a “compliant suck up” for her. I won’t do it. I hope the doctors got all the cancer out, but if she ends up dying without giving me the love and treatment that I need from her, then I will know she never loved me. Mom did everything that “society expected” of her. That is exactly how it felt, no matter how much it benefited me. I just never felt “loved.” I just wanted to feel loved.

    If she dies I will feel sad, but not because I “miss” her. I will feel sad knowing I wasn’t worth her trying to give me real love, not the “faked, pretended all for appearance” stuff.

  15. By: DXS Posted: 7th December

    Glad someone brought this one back up. When I moved back to my home state (after living 3,000 miles away for years), I started having Christmas depression. I couldn’t figure out why. I didn’t think ANY of the “triggers” applied to me. But one of them did. Dysfunctional family. Which I didn’t want to admit to having.

    When I lived 3,000 miles away, I kept the Christmas visits “short” as in, fly in on Dec 24, fly out Dec 26. This upset my Mom as to why I won’t stay “longer.” I claimed it was “gotta get around the blackout dates for cheap fares.” It was basically 48 hours of misery (for me), and then back home to my own world where I would forget about it for another 363 days.

    Now I live in my home state, and finally I told my family I despise Christmas and would not accept any presents. They have complied with my request. I spend Christmas alone, or maybe I have a job, but at least Christmas is on MY terms and I’m not dealing with the dysfunctional stuff where everyone is pretending to be happy.

  16. By: Denise B. Posted: 7th December

    There is so much insight and wisdom in this post, it makes my head spin! Thank you, for verbalizing (so well) many of the things I have lived with; struggled with and continue to try to conquer.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th December

      Hi Denise B.
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken!
      There are hundreds more articles here too! hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Maria Binnie Posted: 1st June

    Re comments Jaimee no 247 …Trying to not be taken in by thoughts of my mother. It almost seems like my own mind is trying to work against me, but I know it’s just force of habit. I keep getting lulled into this false idea, this illusion of comfort where my mom is in my life. But, it’s more like a feeling of procession. Like I have this person, who, like a trinket sits on a shelf and claims the title of mother. But it is just a hollow statuette, there is nothing inside her. Not for me, at least……
    Jaimee you have summed it up as it is for me too 101%!!!!! only ones such as us forsaken by our own mothers as such can know this feeling but we are very strong people becuase of this reason

  18. By: Anonomous Posted: 31st May

    I love your work! I have never been supported by anyone in my extended family system (my step-sister and her husband) in my support of younger women in that family who opened up to me in their later years. The memories of abuse and neglect as well had plagued them all their lives. I listened enough to encourage them to seek professional counseling and to take their grief and great losses outside of the family system for the help so needed. They each wanted to be embraced and validated for bitterness they knew for so long and so well. They wanted to be loved by their parents who abused them. Now those parents have have labeled them “crazy” and me as well now. They have written letters of disowning these daughters and me as well for listening and driven us all away forever. I have forwarded your articles and quotes to my nieces and now they say they will get in touch with you. Bless you for helping the “victims” of very ill parents and sick parenting systems..

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st May

      Hi Anonomous
      Welcome to EFB ~ so glad that you enjoy my posts and thank you for your encouragements!!
      hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Maria Binnie Posted: 2nd March

    To Emma re the idea about a place at xmas for adult children of dysfuncitonal families that have rejected them for standing up against abuse!. Exactly what is needed as then we would be around those that really understood as it can be so hard still to not get a bit sad when participating in other families who are loving enough to open up to us for xmas yet it is still with a bit of sadness for us. Not jealous that they have a family just a touch of sadness that it isn’t poss like that for us so then if we were all at the same xmas then we would be around those the same way as us it would be a very nice xmas like that i think. One thing that i have noticed is that now i recognise love and feel it so strong and hopefully i give love the right way as well better than before i remembered/realised & rejected the abuse ‘love’

  20. By: Amber Posted: 20th February

    WendyAM, sounds like another one way street. They expect us to take care of them, but if we need help…..no way! My mother was sort of like your father. With her, the current “rule” depended on whatever mood she was in. So we never knew what to expect, and, yes, watch out if she was in a bad mood!

  21. By: Wendy am Posted: 20th February

    Hi Karen R,
    Thank you for your reply. I never cease to be amazed at how many people have and are suffering over family torment. In your reply you wrote They being wrong which is right. What makes me smile is my fathers favourite saying is ITS ALL WRONG.Its when things are not going his way.He has set up some rules which alter to whatever he thinks they should be when it suits.The rules are in his head so if we dont live up to his expectations then we had better watch out. Years ago he told me because I am the oldest it is my responsibility to take care of them when they are old.Yet I am still wondering when they are going to help me never never never.I wasnt even allowed to do my home work from school.My sister and I have said that we should have engraved on his tomb stone “ITS ALL WRONG”.Thank you again Wendy am.

  22. By: Amber Posted: 20th February

    Karen R, I know firsthand the sense of entitlement about adult children taking card of elderly parents. My father in law acted like we were out of line if we asked them to babysit, and did it sparingly. They told us if we got a dog they were not available to ever help even though they lived just a couple of miles away, and even though we had taken care of their dog when they went on vacation. If we were at a family event and my young kids were very energetic and my mother in law stepped in to give me a hand, he would tell her to sit down and let me watch my own kids. She was a sweet woman but completely dominated by him. Of course he let us know that he expected us yo care for him in his old age. Don’t know how that would have played out because he passed away in his late 60s, but I resents his sense of entitlement when he wasn’t willing to help us out.

    My mother was an uninterested parent and both physically and emotionally abusive. She had no interest in my life and decided to move across country just as I was starting to plan my wedding. It was of no interest yo her, and looking back, I think she may have actually resented that this was an event where the focus would be on me and not on her. She showed no interest in her two grandchildren and was of no help to me in any way with my special needs child. But when she got older she started spouting off about how it was my duty as the daughter yo take care of her. Not my brothers’ duty, but mine alone and she thought I should be flying back and forth cross country to do this. I told her I could assist her with things during my once a year visit, but she needed to rely on the assisted living transportation to her doctor visits. We even offered to get her an aide. Bushes gave me a hard time and whined that I should be doing the doctor visits. Are you kidding me??

    I held my ground about only assisting during my once a year visits. She has now passed away. But it still app all’s me how she wasn’t there for me as a child or an adult and yet felt she was entitled to all this care from me. Completely one sided relationship!

  23. By: Karen R Posted: 20th February

    Kimlyn..
    I am also no contact with my mother and brother. Its been 10 years since my abusive father died. I always saw him as the primary abuser and he was (to my mother). When he died I thought oh..its over finally, but it wasn’t. I was still used and invalidated, put down, called crazy, the works.
    I was like what?? whats going on here? Then I finally saw that my mother was my abuser and her golden child son is so entitled in his thinking that he just jumped on board against me.

    I was stunned. I have the whole picture now and have been NC for over 2 years. Its hard, but a healthy choice for me. I HAVE to concentrate on straightening out my thinking. I was in such a spin with them. Literally. The crazier they treat you the crazier you feel. Add to that them telling you its you and I just had to stop. They had me so convinced it was me, always me.

    They are alone now as both of them don’t trust anyone. Neither are they functional people.
    So it will be interesting to see how they end up, clinging as they are to each other, bemoaning
    the world that is to blame for all their problems.

  24. By: Karen R Posted: 20th February

    Wendy AM..
    My father’s parents treated my mother like garbage for 25 yrs. Awful awful behavior and my father never stood up for her, not once. He sided with them and added more abuse. He was very NPD and their only “Golden” child. They were nasty, spiteful people who didn’t even give Christmas presents to their only 2 grandchildren.
    When they got very old (mid eighties) nana refused a nursing home, saying it was my mothers duty to take care of her. My mother said no.
    It was unbelievable that after their bad treatment of her for years, they were so entitled, so selfish,
    that they believed she owed them her obedience. Crazy people think like that. They think they are gods and others live to serve them. Since they are family this gives them the “right” to order,
    abuse, threaten and otherwise hurt us because they think they “own” us. We their children and grand children are never to be freed of this ownership.
    My father and mother also owned me, using guilt to prove the ownership.
    But its wrong. They are wrong.
    Their ownership hurt me over and over because it made me less than, always less than.
    I don’t know where my grandparents are buried and I don’t want to know. Surprisingly I don’t feel guilty about that. They rejected everyone as not good enough, and after a while everyone just walked away.

  25. By: Wendy am Posted: 16th February

    Hello Andria,
    Thank you for your reply.It is a comfort.

    Kimlyn 307 308,
    I am sorry to hear about your foot and problems with your family.You have written your story so well, but its sad.It is strange that when we are faced with hostility from family or anybody even when they smile we get a gut feeling that it is not genuine.Some people used to say I was too sensitive but I knew I wasn’t wanted it is such a shame that I didnt twig earlier that they are the problem.Such a lot time has been wasted trying to please family who do not deserve my love.All my life I was forced to believe it was me but it isnt.I have spent my life looking for approval with the wrong people.That tightness you mentioned that family have, I can feel it right now it almost strangles me .Such a good use of the word.My mother cannot cant cope with my father speaking to me because of course she never protected me form his sexual advances and left him to it.The problem she has is she didnt know if I enjoyed it or if I was better.My hair was naturally blonde when young, but she used to dye it red because she said it looked better.
    Even to this day mother is jealous if I am in their company and my father speaks to me.
    Late on yesterday my father rang me to say he had changed his landline number.Yet only on Friday he had given strict instructions to the nurses at my mothers care home that they must NOT let me know the number.This is what is really sick, as my father was speaking to me my mother was in the background telling him to tell me that she has a sore bottom.SICK.
    I do hope you situation and foot improves. Take care and thank you again Wendy Am x

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