Choosing Like Minded Friends and the Belief System

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like minded and the belief system
Like Minded?

I decided to do a search on Google using the key words “belief system” and one of the first things that came up was the instruction to “challenge your belief system” (not much instruction on “how to do the how”) But one of the suggestions on challenging your belief system struck me as odd; it said ~ “choose like minded friends”

That is an interesting directive; I chose like minded friends most of my life. And when I thought about that statement, choosing like minded friends was actually natural and also a part of the problem.  Like minded isn’t always a positive thing!

~ As a child at school I chose other kids who were withdrawn like I was. I fit in better with them.

~When I was a young adult, I chose other survivors of dysfunctional families who were in denial. We stayed in denial together.

~ I chose men who thought that they were more important than I was. I didn’t think I agreed with them, but my actions and the acceptance of the way that they treated me as “less than them” shows that we were in fact like minded.

~I chose friends who like me, were pretending that their lives were wonderful. We were like minded in our denial.

~ Sometimes I chose girlfriends that “used me” and took advantage of me to baby sit their kids or to drive them somewhere. They used me and I thought doing what they wanted was “love”. I thought that their needs were more important than mine were and they agreed with me. We were like minded that way.

The point is that I chose like minded people without realizing what was mixed up in my own mind! I didn’t realize that “like minded” was not necessarily a good thing!

The only way that I could change anything about my life was to find out what my belief system WAS and where it was on the wrong track.  That is not the easiest thing to do because the belief system forms when we are very young and we don’t realize in childhood when our normal is in fact a “false normal”~ meaning NOT normal or healthy at all.  It was a challenge to figure out what was dysfunctional IN my own thinking. “I had to expose “my normal” to myself and reject it as the “false normal” that it was.

So many “self help books” and “self help programs” focus on changing the thinking by using will power. Positive thinking, affirmations and “acceptance” of the past i.e.: it happened now let it go. I tried that for about 25 years before I found out that the real changes in my operating system came quickly when I found the roots of how the dysfunctional beliefs got there in the first place. I was not born broken. I was not born with a false normal belief system.

Choosing “like minded” people to hang out with and to have mutually respectful relationship with was a lot healthier for me once I found out the beliefs that were dysfunctioning and dysfunctional in my “mind” in the first place and then changed them; then it was much easier to choose “healthy” like minded friends instead of the like minded unhealthy friends I had gravitated towards in the past.  It’s obvious to me now that when friends and associates exhibited abusive and devaluing traits that were so familiar and even comfortable to me that it was only natural to connect with those people who seemed so “like minded”.

I am happy to say that have a much healthier idea of what “like minded” is today. I pursue mutually respectful and mutually valuing relationships.  I try to be aware and to resist dismissing any “red warning flags” that I get when I meet a new friend.  

I have also discovered that “true” self help is actually helpful and does not add more confusion.

Please share your thoughts about looking at the topic of “like minded” through a new grid of understanding.  The truth set me free, but it was not that easy to find it.

Another little snapshot of truth;

Darlene Ouimet

Are you aware my of my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”? If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you and you would like to find out “HOW” I broke out of the oppression I lived in, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing. I’ve received hundreds of thank you notes from people that have bought my book. Get yours here for 9.97 through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

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54 response to "Choosing Like Minded Friends and the Belief System"

  1. By: priya Posted: 15th May 2012

    do people from functional families relate with us
    are they even interested in noticing us
    they can make out within seconds how dysfunctional a abused child is.
    just like we seek normal and functional friends
    so do they……..ultimately a beggar cant be a chooser

  2. By: MaryMcCarthy Posted: 22nd May 2012

    I like what Priya wrote.My fiance doesn’t understand how the past isn’t just “the past” when it can control how we feel and act today.He says,” the past is past,so why do you keep going over things from your past?””We all had crap to live through and now it’s done,over,back then,final.”He’s the one person I’ve been able to talk about anything with most of my life.Over 40 yrs.Now when I feel I need to bounce something off him,I get the “leave it in the past,It’s done you cannot change anything about it.”Well,I love you Rod,but I am at Darlene and friends and we are dealing with the past,the present and the future!”Thank you for starting EFB,I’ll be like what I have often heard,I am so pleased to meet you and all,I’m sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.We are precious treasure,each of us<3

  3. By: Cyndi Posted: 7th August 2012

    I happened upon this website today and I just want to start pouring out SO much “stuff”, but quite honestly I didn’t know where to begin until I ran across these posts. I have been to therapy probably a dozen times over the last 25 yrs all with different therapists, none of which really did anything for me except sit and look at me with no explanation to anything or helpful advice. I am hoping that I can learn from the lives of others. I am 45 yrs old and have not been able to feel peace within myself for a very very long time. I am married and have 4 grown children and 3 grandchildren. I know that I have hurt my immediate family and extended family to great lengths with my depression and a suicide attempt several years ago. Everyday is a struggle and it is so much easier to just exist than to live, I am so numb and I am terrified to feel. If I do allow feelings they are very extreme whether it’s sadness or anger and I don’t know that I have had extreme happiness ever. Any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th August 2012

      Hi Cyndi
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      It is so important to look at where those feelings of helplessness and your depressions began. There are roots to them and the keys are in those roots. That is a lot of what we talk about here.
      Glad you have joined us.
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: ArchAngel InPain Posted: 18th August 2012

    WOW> I recently discovered your page and am overwhelmed by the thoughts scrambling around my brain crashing into each other. I was in an abusive marriage for two years and have been free of that for a little over a year… However in my healing proess from that I had come to the conclusion that something in me was “off” … granted I’m sure my x is a spath/narc/antisocial person and I was taen off guard until it was too late… Anyways. sorry to loose track.. I was starting to say that in the process of trying to heal form the abuse of my x, I have come to question things about myself as to why I stayed. I ahve always had rumblings in my head about my childhood and feeling unworthy wanting to just once hear my parents say they are proud of me, but I have pretty much given that up… Unfortunately, I have very little recolection of my childhood. A few scattered memories here and there but not much concrete until I was probably around 14-15? Anyways, I am rambling. THank you for your page. A lot of what I have read has resonated deep inside of me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th August 2012

      Hi ArchAngel InPain
      Welcome to emerging from Broken!
      Your story is pretty much how I also figured out the roots of what happened to me in the first place. I started to wonder why I kept getting involved with these “certain types of men”.
      I didn’t have that many memories of my young childhood either but it turned out that I had enough of them to put together what my belief system was and how it formed. You have found the right website!
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: ArchAngel InPain Posted: 19th August 2012

    Thank You. I am wondering, how I go about changing the belief system I have about myself? I choose not to “confront” my parents about the ways they made me feel unworthy and less than as a child, it would be in vain. I guess my dad never really did anything except be absent and unavaiable, my mother on the other hand, well thats like trying to untangle someones dreadlocks. Growing up my dad was passive and my mother always made me feel horrible for loving my dad. I really have no idea if my dad ever knew what was going on, they divorced when I was very young. I was a colicky baby and I recall hearing my mother tell stories about how my dad thought I was perfect, bcz I cried all day but my colick was calmed down by the time he got home from work. All throughout growing up I heard my mom spew “hatred” about my dad. I never as a child ever heard my dad say a single bad thing about my mom… as an adult there have been a few times where he has implied negative things but only after I have shared/said something. My mom to this day can say things “jokingly” that just rip me to shreds and leave me feeling wounded, unworthy and unloved. It is at these times, I tell myself I am done with her and vow to never speak to her again until I get an apology… but that never works for very long even tho the apology never happens.
    I want to change how I believe about myself, I do not know how.
    I have read so much stuff and tried it all. I know I am a worthy, loving, kind person who deserves real love and true happiness… I just don’t know how to actually believe it?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th August 2012

      Hi ArchAngel UnPain
      There are over 350 articles in this site and all with discussions. There are over 19,000 comments in the discussions and I participate in all of them. I have written all the HOW stuff within the pages of this website. The key is to find out where the broken began. Find out how your belief system formed and find the lies planted there that are about yourself. There are tons of examples in here that will help you do that.
      Keep reading and sharing (if you want to be part of the discussions it is easier if you join one of the current ones on the home page)
      Hang in here! There is hope for healing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: ArchAngel InPain Posted: 19th August 2012

    I think of all the hurtful things she has said the worst is how if she had to do it all over again she would have never had kids. I cannot imagine ever saying that to my kids. Ever. Things aren’t always easy, but I have never wished I didn’t have them

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th August 2012

      ArchAngel InPain ~ that is a horrible thing that your mother said. Those are the messages that settle in the belief system. When parents say things like that they are telling the child that they wish you were never born. That “you were not worth whatever effort she put in” and that is so hard to comprehend!
      Those are the lies. You are worth it. You have the same value as all other human beings but it was never communicated to you. Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Kady Posted: 1st December 2012

    Im new to this site and cant believe there are others like me. I had a friend recently tell me “I was the dog everyone kicked”. She was the second person in the world to validate my experience oh yes and two professional counselors. Now there is all of you and yes it is real Im not crazy or garbage thisbreally doea happen. Its amazinf how covert and tightly knitted the deception has been i believed them i deserved and excepted abuse from almost every human contact and yes I understAnd picking like minded people to only repeat the drama. I will be 50 this year and red a post where 2 of the women were in there late 40’s before waking up. I almost died in the FOG. That would have been hell. These people have no conscience how coild they. Uck uck uck! So many years i hated myself and my defectivenesa weekness and as they said stupid. Even though i proved all of it wrong i could only play the role they gave me to be mentally ill idiot. Not a nice dream a mother has for her child. I have had no contact in 4 years my sister and brother were her tools after my fathers death at 8 we were left in her evil hands. The amazing part is the world seea her as a saint. How deceptive its amazing we got it and i am greatful there are others to validate the truth. Families can be very very cruel and sick. I fear i will never be healed from the dammage i have nonone who loves holds or stands with me out here. I think my therapist sucks and have been awake for about 3 years. Im so greatful darlene what a women to have figured so much out! Wise women pleasurebto meet you. Kady

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd December 2012

      Hi Kady
      Welcome to EFB
      Well you are certainly not alone! This site is all about the “HOW” I healed from all this damage; there is hope for healing. I am really happy you are here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Kady Posted: 2nd December 2012

    Thank you! I hope i can see some break through here. I have been in therapy for 4 years my ne therapist mentioned my last visit to imagine how my mother has felt shame guilt what she must be feeling. OMG i so dont think she gets it. I have tried for 40+ years with that womem. Its not an option if thats what i need to do to heal id be sunk. I will be watching and reading your blog. Thanks for the hug!

  9. By: Hobie Posted: 10th March 2014

    The great thing that this website does is that it offers a place to find people who had been like-minded in an unhealthy way becoming like-minded in a healthy way. It provides a sharper awareness of what was wrong when I see a familiar pattern in the lives of others. And it provides the encouragement by seeing others successfully learn new beliefs and apply them to their lives.

    Thank you Darlene for all that you put into this!

    Hobie

  10. By: DXS Posted: 10th March 2014

    Good article. I try to choose different minded friends. Something I learned, it has a name: Double Cross theory. Something that attracts you to someone will eventually repel you. It was true for me. I thought I was boring, so I wanted a “party animal” so that I would become a party animal. It backfired. I didn’t like the “party animal” stuff.

    So, liking different minded people can work against you, too.

  11. By: jeffry browm Posted: 11th April 2014

    Thanksto you Darlene I can now understand healthy like minded people. I always knew that i had been neglected, but until i found EFB I didn’t understand any of it, nor did i have a clue that I could heal .

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th April 2014

      Hi Jeffry
      That’s awesome! That is why I do this work; because I didn’t have a clue either and when I found out that I COULD heal, I just had to tell the world! 🙂
      hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Amber Posted: 12th April 2014

    “Like-minded” in the past usually had me at the losing end. Since I discounted myself, I made connections with people who also discounted me. By the way, me discounting myself had started with my mother and then others discounting me. Like minded in the dysfunctional way meant that my friend placed an importance on me meeting her needs and I also placed an importance on me meeting her needs. The problem was that these were one way street friendships with only the other person’s needed being met. Many of my early dating relationships worked this way too.

    I have a long time friend who, because I always felt insecure, I would confide in and look to for advice. She came across as confident and sure of herself. She liked her role in this because she felt superior when I was struggling with something. As time went by I went yo her less for advice and looked to have a more balanced friendship. I don’t think she liked this shift. It turned out she liked giving me advice, but she didn’t want me yo benefit too much from it because she didn’t want me to ever surpass her in anything whether it was in my job, financial situation, my home, my husband, vacations, clothes. The reason is that she herself is insecure and got boosted up if I was doing worse Han her in any area. I don’t talk to her very often anymore do to living far away now and also distancing myself emotionally because of the toxic elements in the relationship. She still wants to compete by bragging about trips she hoes on, shows she sees, and what she buys. I’m not interested in playing her game, so I rarely talk to her anymore.

  13. By: Kris Posted: 19th February 2017

    This topic is scary for me, because I am so into my function when I come closer to someone. I think that I don´t allow myself to really really listen to myself. And often even if I feel something negative in the dynamic I don´t know how to stop, change, respect, proove it. I am like in a rollercoaster. But I just expect this all to change with changing within.
    There was a creepy kind of harmony and “togetherness” with my mother and I am shocked because I know that I must have made this up in order to stay alive. I agreed somehow to this “safe harmony” when in fact there was nothing like that. It is scary, because how could I become such a puppet?

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