Archive for Body Issues and E.D.

 

learning to trust yourself

beauty on the other side..

I grew up receiving the message that I was not that important. My feelings were invalidated and my emotional needs were discounted. And ‘that’ causes some life-long belief systems to develop when it comes to self-care and self-love. Learning that I was not important led me to discounting myself. This led to putting myself and my needs last and to breaking agreements that I made with myself. Breaking agreements with myself leads to not trusting myself in the same way that I don’t trust other people who break agreements with me.

The start of a new year always reminds me of this issue. I love the beginning of a new year. I relate a new year to a new page, a new blank slate that I can fill up in any way that I want. A new year brings new choices, new opportunities and new adventures. I often think in terms of “this year I am going to…..” and when I don’t do what I promise myself I will do, I damage the relationship I am building with myself. I damage my self-trust.

When I first noticed that I was doing this and that I didn’t actually trust myself because of it, my solution was to stop making agreements with myself. That didn’t pan out to be the best answer because the message that I was giving myself was this: If I can’t keep agreements with myself I won’t agree to anything at all. And that thought is related to many of the abuse tactics that I lived with for so long.  For example in the past when I got upset with my husband for always being late, his solution was to stop agreeing to any specific time. (he admits today that he thought this was a genius idea and also admits that it was abusive) So he would call and ask if I wanted to go with him somewhere, but he would not tell me Read More→

Comments (102)
path to mental health recovery
there is no perfect path on this journey

WHY did I want someone else to be fat?  Where did a thought like that come from in the first place? And looking deeper into the answers to those questions was where the bigger secrets and hidden answers were found.

This post is continued from “Survival Methods and Eating Disorders ~ Part One and is part of a series of articles about eating disorders, weight and body issues here on Emerging from Broken.

As I started to think about those questions, I asked myself if I felt this way about everyone that I had not seen for awhile and I realized that I only felt this way about women who had hurt me, used me or discounted me. I thought about a few other women in my life, especially in the past, and the answer that I came up with for them was the same. Yes, I hoped that women who had hurt me had gotten fat. I thought about women in my past and present that had treated me fairly and with some equality and equal value and realized that I wished no such “fat fate” upon them.  That got me really thinking. So why do I hope that these other women had gotten fat? And furthermore I realized that I have thought this way for a very very long time. It is important to note here that my magic survival system could have stayed right there and decided that I was a nasty woman with nasty thoughts and nasty wishes for bad things to happen to others. But I know better than to stay there.

I asked myself ~ what does fat “mean” to me? What do I think about it, how do I feel about it? As I pondered these questions, I realized that I somehow think (and believe) that “fat” and weight gain are a fitting punishment for these women. They “deserve to be fat” because they had devalued me so much.

(** Remember that I am in direct contact with my belief system and this is NOT about the truth at all. I KNOW it is not true that people “deserve” to be fat! And I know that happiness IS possible when I am overweight! I am overweight! It’s just what my belief system thinks. These are good examples of those lies I always talk about that need to be corrected.)

Then I processed why I believed that weight gain was a punishment and not just a punishment, but a “fitting punishment”.   My mind didn’t hesitate to remind me that no one could ever be happy fat. In my minds eye I even saw my chin jut out like a defiant child might so when feeling justified about being mean, but deep down knowing that something was wrong with the whole picture; thinking this way was really not about them but about me. My mind jumped immediately to looking at how I feel about my own body.

If fat and weight gain is a punishment for them, then do I feel that way about my own body?

Do I believe that my own extra weight (about 40 pounds) is a deserved punishment? I know that I believe my extra weight is sometimes about protection.  I know that 2 years ago when I slowly started to gain it, was during and after a period of time where I felt discounted, betrayed and a little rejected by some important people in my life and my weight gain has always followed a time of abuse.  Prior to this tine I had only been overweight after very abusive situations such as when I was raped ~ but my eating disorders are not single faceted either. I have dealt with huge body issues over time that were related to many other belief systems, most of which have been sorted out. In some respects it has been very healthy for me to gain weight in that I lessened my obsession with control and learned acceptance of my body.

But thinking of someone deserving to be overweight and thinking of fat as a punishment and considering that I might deep down in my belief system think that I deserve that same punishment too……… I had not considered that idea in this way before now. This realization turns out to be one more piece in the puzzle of figuring out my belief system about food issues, compulsive overeating and body issues.

The answer is yes. Yes I do think that weight is a punishment, for others that have hurt me and that excess weight is a punishment for me. Deep down I was, and sometimes still am high on the list of people who I think have hurt me so that fits.  Fat and excess weight is all those things that we talk about ~ fat is protection; fat is rejection; fat is punishment; only perfection is good enough but at the same time anything close to perfection is dangerous. Somewhere in all of this, the keys to freedom from weight and body issues are hiding.

And since I always say that the truth will set you free, it is important to add these reminders;

~I am not one of the people that hurt me. That is an old belief, like a leftover from the old days that I still have to remind myself is a lie. It is important to examine the roots of that lie in order to make progress with most of the issues we talk about in here in EFB.

~When it comes to my body, I no longer trust myself. There are two parts to this one:

a)    I am very aware of trust issues with those people in my life that I know are not safe to trust.  I have the feelings about myself mixed in with them which is what happens in childhood if we have been abused or devalued in any way.

b)    I have let myself down in this particular area when I have promised myself that I will take better care of my physical health and then I don’t keep that promise. This is a huge area that I will address more in a future post.

And finally

~ Fat is not protection. Fat is not rejection. Food is NOT love.

~Looks do not equal acceptance nor in any way do they have anything to do with self acceptance. Remember that most of my life I have been a normal weight, but my self esteem was in the toilet anyway.

~ Fat is not a feeling and this whole thing is not about food OR perfection.  

To be continued…….

Please share your thoughts about this subject. I know it is huge and that this is just one tiny picture in an ocean of snapshots.

Darlene Ouimet

Emerging from Broken on FaceBook

Comments (50)
eating disorders, food addiction
food or weight disguised as solution

To introduce this series, here is a brief history of my belief system when it came to my body and my weight; I had conflicting beliefs about weight that turned out to be bi-polar opposites; I believed that being underweight or the perfect weight would keep me safe from disapproval, and I believed that being overweight would keep me safe from men and from sexual assault. For many years I lived in strict control of my body and weight, yet at the same time fighting both conflicting sides and pretty much staying a normal weight, except that I was obsessed with my body and my weight and never felt like it was “right”. I developed eating disorders. I was addicted to drugs by the time I was 16, all to do with eating disorders. I had a very big problem with bulimia, which was one of the many ways that I was able to live in both those worlds; eating to gain weight and therefore feel safe, purging to not gain weight and therefore feel safe, and every other eating disorder coping method in between. Forever.   

I am going to write a series of posts on this whole issue of eating disorders, weight gain, body obsession, weight control and how our belief systems get in the way without our realizing that those thoughts and beliefs are even in there. I would like you to read this first article keeping in mind that I am in direct dialogue with my own belief system and how my thoughts and beliefs are revealed to me during that process. You can use this same system to pick apart any other belief system you have hiding inside your head. Look for the little clues and how they pop into my mind.

My daughter and my husband came home the other night and told me that they had seen an old friend of mine. The first question that popped into my mind was “is she fat?” And even as a part of me was realizing that my thought wasn’t very nice, I also knew that I secretly hoped that she was. I hoped that she had at the very least gained more weight than I had since I had seen her in the 10 years that had passed. I had to ask them… I blurted it out “is she fat?” and they confirmed that she had indeed gained a lot of weight. And I was secretly trying to hide my grin. Several things were going on in my mind all at once but I was aware of this nagging question about why I thinking about her in this way.

When something like this pops into my head, I have simultaneous thoughts and in the past they served to pull me in lots of different directions most likely for the purpose of making sure that I did not figure out the roots of any of it.  The way that my survival mode has always worked for me is by trying to protect me from reality because when I was a kid reality was horrible. I am not talking just about events here; I am talking about accepting that I really wasn’t valued or worthy and what would happen if I was thrown away like the garbage I believed I was.  My mind developed coping methods to protect itself from accepting that and other realities and I developed a warped belief system and accepted false truths. I have come to realize that my coping methods developed to help me survive, but also that when I no longer needed them my subconscious was SO sure that they were the answer that if fought like crazy to KEEP those often self destructive survival methods in place. If I let one go, I grabbed another one like the life preserver that I believed it was. I was in a battle against myself. To make it even more complicated, the only way out of the maze is through exposing my belief system by picking apart each of the beliefs at the roots of the coping method ~ but again, since my subconscious really believes that the safer way is to avoid facing reality, (as it was when I was a child) and I am fighting to emerge from the cocoon of my survival methods and discover and live in the truth about all things because I KNOW that is the way to freedom, once again we have a disagreement going on inside.  

And we wonder why finding the ‘beginning’ seems nearly impossible. We wonder why we so often say that we don’t know where to even start. The answer for me was that there were MANY beginnings and all of them had their own start.

The thoughts and roots that I expose in this series about food addiction, eating disorders, compulsive overeating, bulimia, body obsession and weight obsession and the discoveries I will highlight in this series can be applied to any other coping method or belief system that you are trying to unravel. To get to the bottom of one string, I follow the clues. In this case one clue was in my thought process of why I wished my old friend had gained a lot of weight since I last saw her. The key was in processing what that meant to me and to listen to all the other thoughts that pop up to get me off the track, because each of them has a related yet different root attached to it. Separating each thought, and examining them on their own, and then later looking at them in relation to each other is like a treasure hunt. In time I cracked open the huge vault that was my complicated belief system, survival methods and escape modes and discovered the keys to freedom and truth.

Stay tuned for part two, where I will share the process that I went through and the questions that I looked at to realize that I think “fat” is a punishment and how I relate that to myself along with a few other beliefs that I had hiding in my head. (click here for part 2)

Please share your thoughts about this huge subject of weight, food and body issues.

Exposing depth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet ~ Emerging from Broken

Related Posts ~ Sexual Abuse, Bulimia, and Eating Disorders

feelings about food and mixed messages

foundations of eating disorders and body issues

Comments (34)
Body Image, Eating Disorder, Bulimia
Darlene at 21

There was another specific outcome to being sexually assaulted when I was barely fourteen that had a very big impact on my belief system and was part of the results I realized as I took the memory apart. As I have already written about, my mother taught me that my importance and value was sexual so looks and weight were very important. Being attractive to men was very important and I believed that was my only true value or power, so I was very aware of my looks. At the same time I had a deep belief that it was my looks and body that caused the man to come into my bedroom and sexually assault me so I had this polar opposite belief system about sexuality and body image. I had been raised to believe that my looks and sexuality would get me through life; it was all good, all powerful and all important that I be attractive and sexually appealing to men. I had a killer body and long beautiful naturally curly hair. But I hated my body and was afraid of it at the same time. It was never good enough and it was always too good. I agonized between needing to be safe by being appealing and dressing in a sexual attractive way, and being terrified that I was going to be hurt ~assaulted, sexually abused, raped or ignored and rejected because of my looks. I was equally afraid of NOT being attractive as I was of being attractive. I had a bi polar belief system going on when it came to my physical appearance and I was never comfortable either way. For me, physical attraction was love. Physical attraction was also dangerous and hurtful.

I had to be attractive to men, I had to be perfect. As I got older I wore provocative clothing which made me feel both good and bad. I had to be noticed, I had to appeal to men, lots of men, ALL men. That is where I got my validation. BUT at the same time, I was terrified to be attractive.

 After my mother’s boyfriend came into my room that night and sexually assaulted me, I gained 30 pounds in about three months. I was so terrified of the weight gain that I was suicidal over it. (and remember that I became obsessed with suicidal thoughts after I was sexually abused and while I was gaining this weight, so there is a chance that the root of the suicidal thoughts was actually about having been sexually abused but I ate the food and I gained the weight so I was responsible for being fat) When I was fifteen I went to weight watchers and lost 33 lbs. I was the star, being the youngest in the class, and I loved that too because now I had a little attention and approval.  I was so scared to gain the weight back however that as soon as I started the maintenance program, I also started bingeing and purging out of fear. I had never even heard the word bulimic or of the disease bulimia when I was doing this but somehow I found out about it.

 The bingeing was about the belief that I would be safer if I was heavier ~ falsely believing that NO ONE would ever want me (or touch me) if I was “fat”. The purging was about the fear of being nothing and no one without my looks and body and that without my perfect body I would be invalidated and unlovable. Bulimia was the answer for me; I could eat all I wanted and then just throw it up. This was an absolutely 50/50 polar opposite belief system which tore me in two directions until very recently, but there are still a few leftover beliefs and fears that I still work on.

I discovered and started using amphetamines to take my appetite when I was 16. The only time I didn’t binge and purge and live a bulimic lifestyle at that age was when I was using these illegal drugs to control my desire to eat.  I was addicted to amphetamines until I was 23 years old at which time I sought help for my addictions. 

This behavior took me down a new path with my belief system. Now I had chosen to use both drugs and alcohol as a coping method, and this was more proof to myself of how “bad” that I was. I stopped looking at the fact that I had been devalued, mistreated and unprotected most of my life, and used this new behavior to reinforce the already deep belief that I was unlovable, unworthy and undeserving of love. Now I was participating in something really bad. I knew I should know better. I didn’t consciously think about why I was doing it.  I remember feeling so guilty and ashamed of using drugs and sneaking alcohol. I also remember sticking my finger down my throat and eventually choking and looking in the mirror, bloodshot eyes and vomit on my chin and feeling like the lowest of the lowest and using the drugs to suppress my appetite was somehow better than that. It was a lesser shame. I stopped considering what anyone else had or had not done to me or for me.

When I was fully over my alcohol and drug addictions and after all the dynamics that pregnancy has on someone with body issues, I sought help for food addictions, compulsive overeating and eating disorders ~ I learned all kinds of useful tools and sayings. I learned and eventually believed that it wasn’t about the food, and while it was a huge relief to learn that, until I took this whole memory apart I never understood what it really WAS about.

And remember ~ bulimia, drugs, alcohol and suicidal thoughts and plans, were just a few of the things that resulted from the impact that sexual assault had on me. This was just one thread that I followed in order to take apart a memory and get a glimpse into how my belief system formed.

Please feel free to share about anything to do with your own discoveries because this blog isn’t about the symptoms as much as it is about the pathway to freedom from those symptoms.

Hugs, Darlene Ouimet

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Life Transformation

A few weeks ago I wrote a post called Foundation of Eating Disorders and Body Issues and I mentioned using a technique mentioned to me by life coach and Author Kim Vazquez. I am excited to have Kim as a guest blogger today! Please help me welcome Kim and feel free to leave your comments for her. You can visit her website at www.kimvazquez.com or join her author facebook fan page ~ click here.

The Body Disconnect: A Journey to Self-Love. By Kim Vazquez

 I was only eleven when my dad married a woman who was closer to my age, than his. It seemed to me that his young, second wife and I were in competition. As my dad became less and less available to me, I felt she was winning the competition. When he left my life altogether, I was eighteen. Game over. She had won, and I was officially the loser. A woman discarded. Unloveable. Without value. And I had my whole life ahead of me. I’d have to face it without self-esteem.

 During the years that followed, I believed in my worthlessness. It was easy to find a multitude of people who helped me keep that story going—employers who didn’t pay me fairly, abusive boyfriends who hurled more than insults at me, friends who just didn’t seem to care enough. The energy of my pain worked like a magnet, pulling toward me evidence that the world at large agreed with me that I was irrelevant. I was so busy looking outside myself, so stunned and distracted by the unkindness of others that I was unable to see what my own actions were doing to me.

 During those tough years, a spell was cast over me by a dark voice in my mind. Not the voice of a separate personality, but the voice of my ego, which promised me that if I pushed myself harder, I’d eventually achieve enough to force the world to acknowledge my worth. I thought this voice was trying to help me. I called it a motivator. It wasn’t until much later that I came to understand that this voice, the one I now call the Taskmaster, was really teaching me self-abuse.

 When the Taskmaster said, You don’t need to eat yet, finish your project first, I learned to resent my body for having needs that interrupted my time. When the Taskmaster said, You don’t need to rest. First, let’s get your to-do list done, I learned to push through fatigue. Ignore that migraine, the voice in my head told me. You have one every day. What are you going to do, lay around and never get anything done because your head hurts? I learned to push through pain, no matter how severe. You don’t have time to be sick. We’ve got a lot to do, the voice would say. So I began to feel disappointed in my body for failing me when I was already stressed out by my busy schedule. I resented the body for holding me back when I had too much to do and not enough time to do it in.

 Don’t worry about drinking six cups of coffee a day, the Taskmaster murmured. I learned to have no regard for the body’s need to be hydrated with water so it can function optimally. You don’t need anyone’s help. The Taskmaster urged me to be independent and reminded me that I couldn’t count on anyone else, anyway. I never gave my body a break. Okay, the voice said, you can take a bath, but if you do, we’ve got some endless thinking to do while you’re in there. The Taskmaster encouraged me to spend every moment of so-called downtime chasing my tail around my mind so I never had any real peace or rest.

 The Taskmaster also took charge of my social life. You’re too busy to meet up with your friends. Forget about sitting on the couch with your husband. The voice encouraged me to do only things that were task-oriented. It—and I—ignored any activity that might bring joy or balance to my life. Buy another rental property. Buy a new home. Get a new car. Buy a vacation home in Tahoe. Open your own business. Open a second business. I learned that my happiness was in my future when I achieved (fill in the blank).

 At age thirty-seven, I hit bottom. My body was failing. Seventeen pounds fled from it in just nine days. My organs ached. My mind was fried. I was put on disability and was forced to change my whole life.

 My body had let me down again.

 Will the real offender please stand up?

 While I was recovering from that episode, it began to dawn on me that I was the problem. I had taken a lot from my body over the years and had given it very little in return. I was mad at everyone around me because I thought they should take better care of me, but I couldn’t see that I was The Queen of Self-Abuse. Five-year-olds probably knew how to take better care of themselves.

 From a new sense of compassion for my body, I decided to look back to see where I’d gone wrong. Where could I make some changes? I found that in the past when I was sick, I was always impatient and basically demanded that my body dare not inconvenience me. Forget that I didn’t eat nutritious food, get any rest, exercise or drink water. Talk about a disconnect.

 When my body had physical needs, I had just thrown whatever I could into it to get it to shut up. Here’s some Nyquil. Here’s an Ambien. Here’s a Vicodin. Here’s some fast food. Now, hurry up and quit bugging me with your needs.

 When my body had felt emotional pain, I’d berated myself for having needs and for being weak. If I couldn’t chastise the feelings out of myself, I used work as Novocain or went out for cocktails. 

 Yes, it was clear. I was the person who had harmed me the most. I was ready to make amends. With pure gratitude, I began a conversation with my body. Please teach me to speak your language, I said. It responded with joy, and a beautiful source of wisdom and guidance opened itself up to me. Our new relationship began with my commitment: Body, I said, I will listen to you. I will care about your needs. I will love you.

 Today when I don’t feel well, I get quiet and ask my body, What do you want me to know? How can I meet your needs? Just like a whole person, a body responds to love and acknowledgment. It will heal so much faster when it’s spoken to with kindness. My body works with me to reveal the areas of imbalance in my life that need attention. Sometimes, through malaise or a touch of funkiness, it will gently remind me that there’s unresolved emotion lurking. I thank my body for letting me know this.

 My body is an ally that is willing to work with me and guide me to optimum health and joy.

 For me, it works out best if I listen to my body, not the voice of the ego in my mind. I am only a work in progress. Due to the many years’ practice of being disconnected from myself, I must be patient with myself as I learn new behaviors.

 My intention is to honor myself and live the way of self-love.

 Today I see my body as a gift. It’s an honor and a privilege to have this physical vehicle that I use to navigate through my life. My body is my own personal miracle. Have you ever thought about how truly amazing the body is? 

 What day is better than today to begin a loving relationship with your body, with your SELF? For me it started with gratitude: Thank you for all you’ve done for me. And then the question: What can I do for you?

 Peace & Love~

Kim Vazquez

 Kim Vazquez is the author of two books: New From the Inside Out: How to Transform Your Mind and Your Life and Living in the Rear View Mirror: From Substance Abuse to a Life of Substance. Kim has found her true calling helping others connect to their divine guidance. She offers Transformational Life Coaching, Workshops, and Sacred Healing Circles through her practice in Placer County, CA. For more information, visit: http://www.kimvazquez.com/

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eating disorders

Here are some of the things children are told which contribute to the development of a belief system when it comes to food and food issues. I have said some of these things myself, not realizing what message I was sending. My point in writing this post is not written to criticise well meaning parents but for the reader to take a look at some of the ways our belief system about food was developed in the first place.

~ “Eat everything on your plate and you can have desert” This message indicates that desert is better, desert is a reward, and that desert is somehow special.

~ “If you can’t eat what is on your plate then I guess you are too full for desert” This message encourages us to overeat in order to get the prize, which is desert, which we have already learned is “better, special and the reward”.

~ “Save room for desert” Often only the adults in the room and at the same dinner table are told to save room for desert. How confusing is that to a child? As children we often have to eat the kinds of food and the amounts of food that THEY decide for us to eat, before we get desert. We think to ourselves ~ “I can’t wait till I am an adult. I don’t have to eat my sprouts, asparagus, meat, potatoes, (or whatever it is that you don’t want to eat that day), AND I can have desert whenever I want. I can’t wait to grow up and get away from controlling adults.”  

~ “Let’s celebrate ~ why do so many celebrations have to do with food?  

~ “You can’t have this (treat) unless you are “good” ~once again food is a reward for behavior and when we are adults we often consider food as a reward or recognition for any achievement.  

~ “You have been “good” so here is some money for candy”  I am not saying that all of this is wrong, I am just pointing out how we develop our relationship with food. How food becomes a reward and these things translate into a belief system about food. If an abuser has used treats and food this is even worse.

~ Making children eat food that makes them gag or making kids sit at the table until they finish a certain amount of food ~ think about the message you got when that happened. This is about power and control. This makes me feel like someone is saying to me “I don’t care what you like or how you feel, you eat it because I say you eat it.” This is a strange way to control a child and becomes a battle of wills. The parent always wins. Once again I encourage you to look at the message that you adopted into your belief system about food if this happened to you.

~”Because you disobeyed me, you can’t have desert for a week.”  

We see that in these last two points that now food has become a punishment. When food becomes both a reward and a punishment we have a bit of a conflicting belief about food.

What about these statements often prefaced by something like “You would be so pretty or you would be more popular if…?

~ “you would be so pretty if you lost (or gained) weight. You would be so happy if you lost (or gained) weight” These statements are loaded with innuendo and insinuation and come with additional info such as “you would be so happy if you cut your hair or grew your hair, if you stopped wearing makeup, or started wearing makeup; if you smiled more” and “You might have a boyfriend or girlfriend if you lost weight” All these statements indicate that you are not acceptable the way that you are. They teach us that we are not loveable unless our bodies, our hair, our clothing and our image, is a certain way! And we don’t even have an understanding of WHAT way. This big lie that we are not acceptable lives way deep down in our subconscious and cause problems that we don’t even begin to be aware of, tearing at our self esteem and destroying confidence.

Please add the things that you have heard or been told that contribute to mixed messages and a faulty belief system about food and food issues.

Exposing Truth ~ one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

Comments (20)

 

eating disorders and body issuesMy history with body issues and eating disorders goes way back to even before I was a teenager. My body issues, weight concerns, bulimia etc. have their roots in both sexual abuse and emotional abuse. I have told you about how my mother began to teach me at a very young age that my only power and value was in sexuality, which even as a young child I knew had something to do with my looks and my body. Over the years I realized that my fear of weight gain was equal to my fear of being “just the right weight” because both would result in abuse. With the belief system built on my value being in sexuality and body image, I was afraid that if I threw my image away, I would be rejected by everyone. I got a lot of approval because of my looks. At the same time I had this belief that it was my body and the fact that I was attractive, that attracted abusers. Even from a very young age I suspected that it was my body they wanted to do things to… it was my body that was being used. So I separated from my body. It seems logical when I put it that way. Eventually my body became the enemy.

What was harder to understand was that these two belief systems conflicted with each other. They were polar opposites. If I gained weight, I would be rejected, if I was the perfect weight, I would be used.

Several weeks ago I found a website called “letters to my body” and read a few of the letters that others had written there. The concept of writing a letter to my body and some of the things that other women were saying to their bodies made me realize that I too was angry at my body. I was angry as though my body did this to me. As though I didn’t ever realize that it wasn’t my body that caused the problem. These realizations are always powerful and usually can become the starting point for a new area of growth for me. This particular one was painful.

About a week after I found that website, I was sick with some kind of throat and chest thing and coughing virus for a couple weeks and was talking to transformation coach and author Kim Vazquez on facebook.  I told her I was sick. She told me that whenever she is sick she asks her body what it is trying to tell her. It was funny because having just discovered that website “letters to my body” I thought it was a very cool concept to ‘talk to my body”. So later that day I decided to get very quiet, and relax you know, kind of do a meditation and as Kim suggested, I asked my body what it was trying to tell me.

The response that I got was shocking. My body didn’t hesitate. My body said “You neglect me, you devalue me, you treat me with disrespect, you expect too much from me but you don’t take proper care of me and you break your promises to me. You mistreat me and invalidate me. I don’t trust you anymore. “

I was shocked. It was true. I have not been taking care of myself physically this past 2 years. I have gained weight. I am not eating as healthy as I used to. I am not getting regular physical exercise. And even prior to that, I had some odd ways of doing physical health. My body was telling me that I was an abuser. It was saying all the things that I say to identity abusive people. My body said that I am my own abuser. 

As a result of this insight, I took a good long look at my history and the way that I view my physical self and it has given me amazing insight into the relationship that I developed with myself as a result of mistreatment from others. There is so much to this whole topic when it comes to mental health recovery. Body issues and eating disorders seem to be connected to many abusive situations and events, so I have decided to make eating disorders and body issues a regular feature in this blog. I welcome your feedback, contributions and comments.

Exposing Truth… one snapshot at a time,

Darlene Ouimet

Comments (41)