Belief System Formation via the Message Received in Childhood

Messages recieved in Childhood
one step closer

I had a hard time with self love as long as I saw myself through the eyes of the people who defined me as “unworthy”.  I saw myself through their actions and through the way that they treated me. They treated me as though I was “not good enough” and not important.

For instance when I was in a crowd of family and trying to be part of the conversation but no one heard me. I would say something and sometimes I would be ignored. Sometimes I would get a cold blank look as if to say “you have nothing to contribute here”.  At least that is the message that I got.

Imagine a young child. The child is trying to get the attention of his mother. He is trying to tell his mother that there is a kite in the sky. But the mother won’t look.  She won’t acknowledge the child’s pleas for her to share the moment with him. He keeps trying; he keeps tugging her sleeve or patting her arm… “Mommy, look! There is a kite in the sky! Mommy LOOK!” The mother brushes him off. She is reading a book and doesn’t care about the kite. She shrugs him off at first, but as he becomes more persistent, she pushes him away. Eventually, she tells him to leave her alone, to go play, to let her be…. Never once acknowledging his pleas until finally he hangs his head dejectedly and gives up. 

There are messages attached to these actions. Communication is not always direct. He gets the message that books are always more important than he is. So is the phone. So is the television, so are her friends.  And over time, what message do you think that this child gets about himself?

Day after day, adults are too busy, too tired, too stressed about their own lives to listen to the child. What message does the child get from all that?

A little girl is being picked on by the teacher at school.  She is being humiliated, made fun of and criticized in front of the entire class. She tells her parents but they don’t listen. They ignore her. They tell her to respect her elders. They don’t believe that this teacher bullying is serious or harmful. Over time she begins to get sick.  If her parents finally notice her, then illness becomes the way to get the “love she desires”. Illness becomes the way that she will be heard.  Illness “works” for her so she manifests illness.

If both or one parent communicates that illness is a weakness, the child will try to hide the illness.  

But what is the message that this child gets? The actions communicated to the child are

“I am only valued if I am sick” or “I am even LESS valuable if I am sick”. 

And don’t forget that there is an original message;

~I am not worth being heard.

~The teacher is picking on me; she has a right to do whatever she wants because she is my “elder”. 

~Something is wrong with me because the teacher is picking on me and she doesn’t like me.

~No one cares about me.

~It must be me. I will try harder to be liked so that I don’t get picked on and then when I am liked, people will care. 

This is how a belief system develops. These are the beginnings of low self esteem. Children get messages from the actions of others about their worth. They are either loved, or they are not loved.  They get love mixed up with approval. They get love mixed up with whether or not they get attention or have impact.  Impact can be positive or negative.

Some children lash out. If they push their sibling down the stairs they have impact. They may even get some attention from doing it. 

All of this goes into what makes up the self esteem of the child. All other abuse or devaluing treatment is added to the grid that the child will see himself or herself though. All of this information forms the belief system that individual has about themselves.  The only way that I was able to change this belief system was to dig down inside and take a look at where it came from in the first place.

Emerging from Broken is about learning the truth about how I viewed myself so that I could see where I was stuck in a false belief system.  I looked at the events and then at the messages that I received through so many situations from my childhood. Were those messages the truth?

Whether I misunderstood them or not, the problem was that I believed them. I had to realize just what exactly I believed.

What were the messages that you got about yourself?

What did you believe about yourself over time?

Is this the truth about you?

Please share your thoughts and remember that you may use any name you wish in the comment form. No one will see your email except me.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time,

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

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96 response to "Belief System Formation via the Message Received in Childhood"

  1. By: Amber Posted: 13th October

    Here is one of my false beliefs: I am guilty even though I did nothing wrong.
    When I was 9 I went to a store to buy my mother a gift for Mothers Day. I found a very pretty floral handkerchief, I held it and looked at it knowing that I liked it but I was trying to decide whether She would like it. The saleswoman saw me and somehow interpreted my holding it and maybe looking confused as me trying to steal it. She yelled at me and told me I should be ashamed ( which was exactly how I did feel at the moment, though I had no idea why I should). It came down to an adult said I did something wrong so I must have.

    Just two months later I went to a classmates house to ask her to return a Barbie doll outfit she had ” borrowed” from me a couple of months earlier at school. She said it would just be for one night, but Never returned it even though I asked her several times at school. So I figured the best thing was to go to her house. Her mother answered the door and I told her why I was there. She had me go upstairs with her and her daughter, her daughter took out her case of doll clothes and the mother told me to show her the outfit. Which I did. She then started yelling that SHE had bought it for her daughter and I was lying! I froze up and couldn’t speak. And the daughter was sitting behind her mother on her bed smirking at me because she knew she was getting away with something. And I remember feeling guilty. An adult says I’m lying. I’m actually not, but because she says I am, I must be guilty anyway.
    So, there I was, nine years old, and I learned to accept guilt whether I was wrong, or whether someone else was. wrong.

  2. By: A Posted: 11th May

    I found your article enlightening. But how does one know if our parents are wrong or we are ?
    My life is a mess. Every day my mother tells me how as a kid I was a very good child, obedient, smart, intelligent. And now how I am just a joke, a fool , a Loser.
    Since a child I have looked for approval from my parents. I call them when I reach/leave a place, I tell my mother my whole day, I ask for guidance.
    But my emotions feel conflicted, I feel she has hated me as a child. I remember being hit by a belt so many times for small reasons, for being threatened “I’ll throw your books out, no need to study” when I would not want to go to school or recently appear for a competitive exam (I felt I wasn’t prepared for the exam, I felt I should give it in the other attempt.) She calls me a failure, a coward.
    I don’t know if I am wrong or if she is
    I want help. I feel my life is not worth living. I am not perfect but this emotional rollercoaster; where one time she shows love and otherwise a hatred so deep is driving me mad. I want to know. I am tired of such an existence. If i have to live in want a sane life.
    I have no friends, she says I am a bad person that is why. That I hurt people.
    I have never even in school had confidence to be friends with people. I would talk a lot if someone spoke with me cause I felt happy. I never had any so anyone was welcome.
    She made me cut-off from everyone last year saying that they will continue bullying me till I don’t make something of myself.
    I can go on & on about every action of hers blaming me for something; making me look bad (but after every incident I feel it was like she tried showing she is good). I feel manipulated by her. Like she tries blaming me for all wrong in life(even if I did something which she advised me to do)
    Please help.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th May

      Hi A
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken. Keep reading. After you have read some of the other articles and discussions in this website you will get a lot more insight. There are 450 articles here all with discussions ~ and there is my e-book also available here. Use the home button to find the most current articles and the category buttons to find articles specifically about what you are interested in.
      Thanks for sharing, you are not alone ~ there are millions of people that can relate. 🙂
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: J Posted: 11th January

    Hi again Darlene (and everyone else!)

    Weird coming back and seeing what I think was my first post here… brought a tear to my eye. (I think the “greased slope to suicide” / “every last hope being chopped off one by one”). Haven’t felt quite that way for a bit, but pretty worried if I get canned from moving into the new place for taking too long that that’ll trigger a pretty bad meltdown. Oh well. Worry about it if it happens, hey? (Easier said than done unfortunately).

    Why did I start writing again? (Had to re-read the original post! Stupid short-term memory!) 🙂 Oh yeah, the “being ignored” and “phone/tv etc more important than me” parts. Noticed so sharply the other night how much my parents (mother in particular) just blatantly speak over other people when they’re already partway through talking. I think it stood out more cos she kept doing it to my sib’s partner – and not just the sort of ‘both start talking at the same time and one keeps going’ kind of thing, but he’d be well into a sentence and she’d just blatantly start talking right over the top. Bitch.

    Oh yeah, and the “phone more important” bit reminded me of the angry glare I’d get in childhood if I dared come looking for her or entered a room while she was on the phone. Double bitch.

    Ok seem to have declined somewhat from “hint of positivity lurking under everything”, to just plain pissed off. So I shall leave it here & not add further venom about my mother here (think I’ve probably done more than enough of that in my EFB career thus far).

    To end on a positive note: hugs!

    (That felt really forced/blatant. Oh well. At least I’m trying. Hope you’re doing well & feeling better from your tiredness Darlene)

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th January

      Hi J
      Good work. Have you looked at what exactly is holding you back from moving in?
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: J Posted: 12th November

    Thanks Darlene.

    I guess for now I’ll just have to hold on to that hope of knowing that others have survived these sorts of feelings before. (Of course my head kicks in to remind me how none of that matters for me personally. STUPID BRAIN!!!!) >:(

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th November

      Hi J
      One thing that really helped me was becomming aware of how often I put myself down. I would HEAR those thoughts and address them. I had always been put down and it was natural for me to continue to do so; to pick up where others had left off. Something that helped me was to speak back to that thought… eg; stupid brain ~ asking the thought itself ~ “why do you think that I have a stipid brain?” and go deeper with that thought/statement/putdown against myself. I did some amazing work that way.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: J Posted: 12th November

    PS – Hi Allie, sorry to hear about all the mess you went through. That’s great you’ve been able to change your belief system! I’m still working on that 🙂

    Wishing you peace & happiness for your journey of healing!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th November

      I am really sorry that you feel this hopelessness. There was a time I felt that way too, so there is hope of overcoming and having a full and functioning life again. I hope that you can find some help that will support you through to a better place.
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: J Posted: 12th November

    ******* WARNING: this post gets pretty dark, just so you can avoid if you want *******

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve just been jumping around a few old posts under the “Freedom & Wholeness” menu. Lots of interesting things; but my brain’s feeling a bit boggled now.

    I’ve wondered for a while if I have dissociative disorder / borderline personality disorder. I can’t remember if I’ve asked my GP about them. I was also convinced I was bipolar (the type with the low level of mania) not too long ago (with all three disorders I ticked off many, if not most, of the symptoms I find mentioned online).

    I mentioned it to several of my workers and they all just said “no” but never explained why, or actually discussed it with me. Finally my GP explained that he thought what I was seeing as low-level mania was actually just the few brief moments when my depression would lift slightly. In fact he said that for most people, what I thought was mild mania would probably rate as an average-low mood. So that at least made sense to me (pretty depressing though).

    I can’t remember what the symptoms for dissociative/borderline disorders are now. Pretty sure I checked off nearly all of them. The problem is that I always forget who I’ve asked, what they said etc. I keep losing track of what I think. And I don’t even know if it’s important to find out.

    I’m sure I read that for bipolar at least, it’s commonly misdiagnosed as depression, and that some of the treatments (I think it was talking about drugs) actually harm rather than help if that is the case.

    I vaguely seem to recall similar things being mentioned for BPD/DID, but I’m not heaps sure about that. I wish I had someone to be like my “manager” in terms of health — like someone who could keep track of the big picture for me (I get confused so easily & have to stop thinking about it all. Or I just forget anyway) and what my diagnosis is, what symptoms I show for various disorders, and what treatments are meant to help them all etc.

    Because whatever is going on, nothing’s working. Things just keep getting worse. I’ve tried to hold on to the thought that this year’s been so terrible because I’ve started to realize the depth of the brainwashing/indoctrination my parents inflicted (and still try to inflict), which was almost a complete blind spot for me (apart from some small areas that I could recognize from when I was much younger).

    Actually, I think the real killer (but I really hope it’ll help lead to freedom in the longer term) was shifting the blame for my current life situation from 100% my fault to 100% their fault. (Already got the guilt voice going in my head — “you’re just trying to avoid taking responsibilty for your own mistakes” etc. Blah blah f**king blah. Stupid brain!!!)

    I say “killer” because it’s unleashed so much anger & rage at what was done to me (both the original abuse, and perhaps even more so at the covering up & brainwashing to the point where I’ve spent decades believing that I’m a f**ked-up useless waste of space that is utterly incapable of functioning in this world). Also so much sadness and regret at all the wasted years and the hell that I’ve had to live through as a result of it all.

    And finally, it feels like I’m now seeing myself so much more clearly than I ever have before (I feel like I was basically blind to how much I’ve checked out of life over the past few years; even though in some ways I was aware of it) and even though I’m now trying to shift the blame for all the dysfunction in my life from myself to my parents, it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve spent three decades basically in survival mode and have almost no resources for coping with life.

    Seeing the depth of my dysfunctions and how ingrained it all is has been so brutally hard. I think it’s the reason why I’ve been having suicidal thoughts so often over the last year or so. It feels like it’s shifted the balance from before (when I was afraid at times that I was losing my mind and scared that I’d kill myself during a time when I didn’t feel in control of myself, but never thought I’d be able to actually kill myself even if I got to the stage of wanting to) to now, where I’ve had several times this year where I’ve broken down completely and told whoever I was with that I didn’t want to live anymore. The old feeling of losing my mind was when my head would start spinning (felt like a physical sensation). The new feeling feels more like a vice clamping down on my skull. Both are f**king scary. I used to punch myself in the head as hard as I could at times to try and stop the spinning feeling (this scared me too, but now I look back and realize it was the only way I could find to be able to control the spinning sensation). Breaking down crying is the only thing that seems to relieve the new “pressure” feeling, but I can’t seem to do that by myself — I need to have someone there with me (or on the phone) who I feel cares about me and is understanding. (It can be phone counsellors who I don’t know, but it’s so hit & miss when you ring those places if they’ll be gentle and understanding. Sometimes they make it worse).

    This has been pretty scary, because I really can’t see any hope for me being able to function enough to support myself in this world. And even if I could get to that stage, I can’t imagine ever being free of the emptiness that’s always waiting in my mind whenever I’m unable to distract myself from it (pretty much every night when I try to sleep).

    Some time ago I realized that this (just before sleep) was my worst time, so I started intentionally staying up doing things until I just couldn’t stay awake any longer. The problem is that sometimes I’m awake all night.

    (By the way, I know a lot of you guys are christians, but I’d really appreciate if you could refrain from anything along the lines of god fixing the emptiy feeling I mentioned above. Even if it’s worked for you.)

    Ok think I’ve written myself out of steam for now. Thanks for listening (well, reading!) and hope everyone’s doing well.

  7. By: Allie Posted: 8th November

    ~I am not worth being heard.

    I was just told to shut the hell up.

    ~The teacher is picking on me; she has a right to do whatever she wants because she is my “elder”.

    I heard that garbage in the church. Reason why I have no use for organized religion. Respect your elders garbage. Sin.

    ~Something is wrong with me because the teacher is picking on me and she doesn’t like me.

    Teachers were mostly nice to me.

    ~No one cares about me.

    Still have that thought.

    ~It must be me. I will try harder to be liked so that I don’t get picked on and then when I am liked, people will care.

    Did when younger. Now, I don’t let alone treat me bad.

    This is how a belief system develops. These are the beginnings of low self esteem. Children get messages from the actions of others about their worth. They are either loved, or they are not loved. They get love mixed up with approval. They get love mixed up with whether or not they get attention or have impact. Impact can be positive or negative.

    Some children lash out. If they push their sibling down the stairs they have impact. They may even get some attention from doing it.

    -Remember beating a few bullies butts in school.

    All of this goes into what makes up the self esteem of the child. All other abuse or devaluing treatment is added to the grid that the child will see himself or herself though. All of this information forms the belief system that individual has about themselves. The only way that I was able to change this belief system was to dig down inside and take a look at where it came from in the first place.

    Emerging from Broken is about learning the truth about how I viewed myself so that I could see where I was stuck in a false belief system.

    I looked at the events and then at the messages that I received through so many situations from my childhood. Were those messages the truth? Whether I misunderstood them or not, the problem was that I believed them. I had to realize just what exactly I believed.

    What were the messages that you got about yourself?

    -Useless, worthless, stupid, etc.

    What did you believe about yourself over time?

    -Parents, sex abusers, and the church people that let everything go on were useless wastes of humanity.

    Is this the truth about you?

    -Nope but accepting it and “feeling” it are two different things. Wasn’t allowed emotions. 🙁

  8. By: Torah-Laura Posted: 21st October

    One of the legacies of childhood emotional abuse and neglect has been an inability to believe in myself. It has been as though there was no foundation internally on which to build a strong belief in my integral value and worth. So my focus the last several months has been to explore how to develop that internally. If that wasn’t monumental enough a pursuit recently I realized that I had not been able to believe internally that other people really valued and perceived me as a person of worth as pertains to my professional career. There was clearly some resistance or block that prevents me from internalizing and from allowing myself to feel good and confident about who I am on a consistent basis. I recalled some teaching I have been learning over the last several months on what it means to believe in one’s heart and the transformation that can take place which is less likely to occur with just mental assent to a belief. The belief that I am a valuable worthwhile person and that others find me to be so has not found its permanent home in my heart. I realized that there must be some obstruction of my heart that prevents the internalization of healthy beliefs. This was no surprise to me since I am so aware of the pattern of emotional freezing that has characterized my life at times when my well being has been seriously threatened by others. I prayed more about this situation and started to experience an opening of my heart to be able to let in the good will of specific people I trusted. I was able to begin to believe and internalize to a degree that certain others valued me and believed in me. This was a new experience and one for which I was deeply grateful. It was as though a wedge of good will made some inroads into my heart. My hope is that as my belief in myself and the belief that others value and support me in ways that are meaningful to me is internalized in my heart that the wounded little girl will begin to feel strengthened, supported and encouraged. So she will not be afraid to step forward into life because the love and support she needs will give her the necessary assurance and confidence that has been missing until now.

  9. By: Renee Posted: 20th October

    Thank you, I have a really good relationship with only one daughter. We both agreed we wanted to work on issues we both went into seperate counseling. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it. My youngest has cut all communication which is sad because I have an 8yr old grandaughter…it breaks my heart. Especially now her other grandmother is dying from a brain tumor. “L” is a great woman, we have a lot in common. She has touched thousands of little ones as a teacher 1-3 grades. My grandaughter got to spend 2 months with her this summer and Im happy for that.
    Anyway sorry I got off on a different subject, she is on my heart today. My youngest has always made it very hard to have a relationship with her since she was little beleive it or not. She is very stuborn.
    J….How I was able to do it was I got layed off and moved around from place to place. I told my daughter next place I move to Im not leaving for a year or two (I hate moving). I wound up in Ogden. Its a place none of my family would never go, yet it wasn’t that. It took me about nine months to get the fog lifted and get from underneith the lies. I was forced to make my own path, make friends, and do something I haven’t ever done. Then one day as I was heading to work it dawned on me, I felt “happy” content. My life wasn’t perfect, My job paid the living expences and $20 for the 2 weeks of food. I was flat broke, yet I was able to pay my way and I felt happy. It was awesome! Im afraid if I go back that everything will have changed and I wont like it. I really don’t have to go back, it wasn’t the place as much as it was me realizing I didn’t need that family to survive just the oposite! I am the common denominator whether I am happy, sad, or all messed up. It is me that has to grow and learn if I want things to change in my life. It is totally up to me and all I have to do is show up and do the work! I know I will have to fight the demons that have damaged me and I am scared and I am lonely, and I do hate myself. That just makes me realize all the more that I need to get back into counceling, Im going to try and find someone today.

  10. By: J Posted: 19th October


    I admire you for standing up for yourself with your family. I haven’t got to that stage yet. But it’s not too hard to imagine getting similar treatment if I did. I don’t really like my family either. One of the hardest things for me is that I’m only just having that realisation now – I spent my youth telling people how much I loved my parents and how great my family was, and thinking that people I knew who argued with their parents were bad and sinful. And most of all, I’ve come to hate the self-delusion that they alone are perfect in this world, that they all perpetuate and attempt to force everyone to buy in to.

    I also admire you so much that you have a good relationship with your daughters – I’m terrified that if I ever have children, I’d turn out just the same way. Probably not so much now, but my first serious girlfriend and I wanted to get married and have kids, and at that time, I was still utterly brainwashed. Much as it pains me to say it, I’m glad it didn’t happen, because I probably would’ve just kept the same s**t passing down the generations. I’m really glad you’ve got your daughters and your niece. It sucks that you’ve only had such a small glimpse of happiness, but at least you know that you CAN be happy. I really hope you can keep finding ways to get yourself back there! (And for that matter, I wish the same for myself, and for everyone else on here).

    It just really sucks that I can’t see a way of finding happiness that involves my family. I guess at some point I have to decide to value myself more than I value them. Easier said than done, I suspect.

    Thanks also for your kind words – I’m still getting used to the idea of posting on a website (never really done it before – let alone about such personal and painful stuff!), and got quite a lot of doubt/fear etc about doing it at all. Take care of yourself!

  11. By: Renee Posted: 19th October

    Thanks J you me me cry. It’s ok I question myself constantly because I am constantly told I am a liar, I exagerate, I am dulusional, I am sick in the head (with them doing the cirlce thing around their ear) I am full of BS (full words) My memories don’t count because it is different than theirs on and on and on.I am not allowed to bring up the past because it is inappropriate and no one wants to hear it. If it is a stunt someone pulled or a trick played on another those are fine but I am not to share at all. To tell you the truth I don’t like my family. I hate the way they treat me and I hate the fact im the sacrificial lamb period.
    I experienced happiness once and yesturday I finally realized why. Other than my daughters and a short trip once in a while to visit my neice, I had no communication or saw any of my family and the friends I had respected me and were truely a blessing in my life. For six months I was truely happy. Never before and certainly never after.
    Thanks J I do like to read your post as all the rest it always gives me food for thought and tidbits of things that I can take away and use or practice with.

  12. By: J Posted: 18th October

    Sorry Renee,

    That was poor writing on my part. I was just saying that I had just “re-read” your post (as in I’d just read your earlier post again), and that made me think of the next part I wrote (about being “trained” etc)

    I didn’t mean at all that YOU needed to read your post again – but I’m very glad you wrote because I hadn’t realised that it would come across that way! 🙂

    I’ve just realised that if I’d been in your position, I quite probably would have just gotten upset but not said anything — so thank you also for giving me a good reminder that things AREN’T always meant as a negative (even when it looks like it at first)

    That just made me think of something the psychologist I see told me – he said there was a study done to test memory for both depressed and non-depressed people by having them try to memorise a list of “good” and “bad” events. It showed that depressed people’s memory was significantly worse overall than non-depressed people, but also that depressed people were much more likely to remember mainly NEGATIVE things than positive things, whereas non-depressed people were more likely to remember both.

    To go back to my last post, I was wondering if your approval-seeking might also have been something that was drilled into you from a very young age (by parents, or teachers etc). I think I was assuming that most people on here had some form of that happen to them, and was hoping that it might help you to not blame and hate yourself for something that was probably being done to you long before you had a chance of understanding it or stopping it.

    I hope that makes sense. I felt really sorry for you hating yourself. I hate myself too at times. I really hope that changes for you soon because it’s a horrible way to live.

  13. By: joy Posted: 18th October

    Renee.ha ha . I never even thought you fought was repeating something you wrote but it’s ok . if you have the gloves on and your in the ring;) tee hee..



  14. By: Renee Posted: 18th October

    To funny! Actually I am known for how I fight. Except I black out and don’t realize what Im doing until way later.

  15. By: Renee Posted: 18th October

    I do re-read not just once but twice. I don’t know what you mean. Did you mean like re-read and watch what I say or did you mean re-read to make sure I made my point? A little more explaining will help me understand what you mean.

  16. By: joy Posted: 18th October


    that should have said we “Can counter” their fun.. i mistyped above..

  17. By: joy Posted: 18th October

    Hi Renee.. OUr families cannot see our values because they don’t want to..they like where they are keeping us; giving us value would mean they lose control over the effect they are having over us…. so to value us would be letting go of the fun they are having..

    But we cant counter their fun by not allowing them to know how much their craziness is affecting us.. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt but that we are not going to let their nonsense into our space..

    I learned this about boundary making .keeping bad out and our good away from the bad.. not “casting the pearls before the swine”

    Don’t know if I am making sense but am shocking myself with the words coming out of me

    If you .. Renee. but wont hug you because you “kick ass and take names later”


  18. By: Renee Posted: 18th October

    Do you mean like kick ass and take names later! I appriciate you you are awesome, so why can’t everyone in my family see any value. It is like they break me intentionaly. I had so many awha moments today. The one and only time I was happy was when I lived in Ogden Utah of all places. I had friends that saw the genuine total person I am. They saw me in every situation and were true friends and no one ran and nor did they devalue me. And I like hugs:) just not real ones (I have to really trust a person to let them hug me).

  19. By: joy Posted: 18th October

    HI Renee

    I love you with sincere love you dont need to prove nothing to anyone .. just love yourself and those who don’t love you let go.. that is what I have to do<3


  20. By: J Posted: 18th October

    Hi Renee,

    I just wanted to say take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself! (So much easier said than done, I know — I think it for
    others so easily but have so much trouble being gentle with myself!)

    I’ve hated myself too at times for being so easy to break, and I think even blamed myself for “letting” myself be brainwashed/indoctrinated etc. But I was a child!! And I never SAW another way (let alone a healthy way) of how to relate to people.

    Just re-read your post — for me, I now believe I was TRAINED by my mother to seek her validation, and to blame myself for HER moods etc, which would explain why I have such trouble still re seeking approval, trying to please people, and getting angry when I feel like I’m being taken advantage of (yet too scared to try and stand up for myself).

    Hoping some of this might be relevant for you. At the very least, I fully agree that it IS an ugly trap, and I’m right there with you at the moment in feeling like I’m not capable of removing myself from it.

  21. By: Renee Posted: 18th October

    After a fight with my sister and we calmed down we had a heart to heart. My brother didnt do WHAT he had promised and because I and my daughter wasn’t there he couldn’t pawn it off on us. It made HIM look bad in front of HIS friends and his siter. An awha moment for me because I refused to take the blame. It wasn’t mine to take it was HIS!
    Another awha moment is that im searching for validation from others like I use to do. It’s an ugly trap and I don’t have the strenght to get out of it!! I hate myself.

  22. By: joy Posted: 17th October

    ps.. maybe that’s why my t dropped me . she thought i was bringing her bad luck?? hmm .


  23. By: joy Posted: 17th October


    (( warm hugs)) if ok.. I have been told I was the reason why the family had so much problem back when. I wasn’t told by percentages but I was to blame for the feds coming to take us away to foster care. .the blame or my mom running out of cigarettes..blamed when the little sibling fell .. blamed when she was sick. I blamed for all the bad luck in the family and recently was told that since i left all the bad luck was gone 🙁

    So I kinda know the feeling but . am so use to that.. terrible to get use to that isn’t it?


  24. By: Renee Posted: 17th October

    I would like to hear form any of you that has family that keeps score. I had a run in with a family member and he told me I was to blame a 100% for his vacation turning out not as good as it was suppose to. He brought up all the things he did for me. Said alot of F bombs. I couldn’t go because I am steadily getting sicker with intestinal and staomach problems. He asked me when did I know I wasn’t going to go with the group. I said Friday. I just kept getting worse and felt it was best to stay close to home. He said it was all bullshit and he holds me 100% responsible I was to notify him, I told my sister, she knew. For once I stood up to him. I said when you make plans with people it is written in stone, except for when you want to change something. When he changes plans he tells no one, we find out after the fact. I told him he wasn’t as perfect as he thinks he is and he lives a double standard. He brought up the list of what he has done for me and you know each time he did something I thanked him constantly and really do appreciate what he has done. I had always thought once you thank them show appreciation the debt is paid (like it was a gift when he did those things in the first place)
    Blogers when and if you went through this how did you get through it through your experiences was it ever resolved?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th October

      Hi Renee
      I don’t put up with this anymore so in my view, it is resolved. If that means “no relationship” then I am willing for that to be the end result. The thing is that it can only be resolved if BOTH parties are willing to work on it through the grid of truth. My family was not willing, but my husband was, so I have exp. both ways.
      Hugs, Darlene

  25. By: carol Posted: 16th October

    thnaks darlene, im a bit overwhelmed at the moment, what with starting my studies in a new place to finish the degree. and as i grow in some areas i seem to be seing slips in others, but im taking that as a sign that im not totally blanking my reactions as i usually do. mmmtopics are fairly easy to me if i can get the reading done, lol. and then hopefully i will be one step closer to thriver

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