“I Want My Mommy” and Re-Parenting Myself

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A couple of weeks ago I was really sick with a terrible virus which lasted for 8 days.  Just before I came down with it, I had dental surgery and it took me 3 days to recover from that and it felt like I had been sick “forever”.  Have you seen the commercial for cough medicine when the guy is sick in bed and starts calling his wife?  He moans “Pam….. Pam….. can you call my mom?”  In response, she throws a bottle of NyQuil at him.  In the next shot he is shown sleeping like a 200 pound baby. It’s really quite comical and it got me thinking about that expression “I want my Mommy”… That expression (often used in jest) is a popular one for adults who are sick or in pain.  Mommy’s are “supposed to be” or typically believed to be a source of comfort.  That was not the case for me. Sometimes I don’t have the words to express my frustration with being sick.  I wonder if it because I can’t say “I want my Mommy” and even the thought of that sentence just bothers me.

For many years now that phrase “I want my mommy” has been on the tip of my tongue many times, but I never could say it because it was so false.  Even thinking “I want my mommy” just because of the popularity of the expression, feels like a lie to me. Wanting “my mommy” was not going to help me any; I already knew that!  I want “a mommy” or “I wish I HAD a mommy” may have been closer to the truth, but I didn’t know how to express those thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like I got totally ripped off in the “having a mommy” department.  

I remember being sick as a kid.  My mother did the “care part” pretty good. She just didn’t do the nurturing part.  I wasn’t going to die on her watch but today I realize that when people express “I want my Mommy”, they are craving the comfort and the love part of the mommy/child relationship which I didn’t have.  My mother was clinical.  She was efficient. But my mother was not warm and nurturing.

A huge part of my healing has been to face what was missing in my childhood and beyond and realize that it was (and still is) okay for me to acknowledge that that there were things missing in the relationship that I had with my parents. That is just the truth about my life.  The truth is that because some of those important things were missing in my growing up years there was damage done to me. There were consequences to my emotional growth and it is okay to acknowledge that too.

Validating that I got ripped off in my childhood and acknowledging to myself that I was not taken care of as a child in so many ways that really mattered, set me free to get on with the work ahead of me in recovery. Looking back, I realized that the way I fought NOT to accept the truth about my childhood that was a really big problem for me as an adult.  It was in the way of my emotional healing. Once I began to establish what had been missing as far as nurturing and comfort, I was able to start doing those things for myself.  I pictured myself as a child feeling scared or alone or being sick and I would comfort myself.  I told myself that it was okay for me to feel those feelings of loneliness and abandonment and that from now on I would take care of my needs.  By realizing that my pain had never been validated by my parents, I was able to stop wishing for that to happen. When I stopped wishing that “someone else” would validate me and my pain, I was finally free to validate myself and my own pain.

I also became aware of those voices that told me that if I was sick, I was useless. I acknowledged the thoughts that I had that told me I was faking or exaggerating and that I was just being lazy and I told those voices on my own behalf, that they were wrong. I did for me what I longed for my mommy to do for me. I filled in the missing gaps and I was able to move forward with my present day life.   

I became my own parent and I went back to those memories that I had stuffed so far down that I thought they were gone, and I did for me what should have been done for me back then.  I soothed and validated myself.  I call this re-parenting.

When I first started to do this type of self care it was uncomfortable and even emotionally painful.  I had to ask myself WHY this was so uncomfortable for me. I became aware that I didn’t actually like myself all that much and that if I was really honest, I didn’t WANT to nurture me.  I had to realize that those feelings came from the way that I had been regarded as “unworthy” when I was a kid and that I had just accepted someone else’s disregard and disrespect towards me as the truth about me.  I had to be conscious and intentional about self validation and self nurturing in the healing process.  It did not come easy. It was something new that I had to learn how to do.  Self validating and self nurturing felt conceited and uncomfortable to me; it felt foreign and even wrong.

 I learned how to validate, love and nurture myself by practice and persistence. For the first two years or three years of what I call “cementing my new belief system” I wrote 10 minutes every morning on gratitude and self worth. I practiced learning to love myself and taking care of myself by being aware of the self defeating voices and overcoming and correcting them. I was intentional about self talk and self nurturing. I pictured myself hugging and taking care of a little version of myself. I pictured myself loving me.

Today, being responsible for me is much easier. My family took care of me when I was sick a couple of weeks ago, but the validation, self love, permission to BE sick and healthy self talk, I can do for myself now.

Please feel free to share your feelings, thoughts and feedback. You are welcome to use a screen name if you wish not to be known by your real name.

Exposing truth; one snapshot at a time,

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

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Related posts ~ Victim Mentality in Relation to Keeping Family Secrets

Rebuilding my relationship with me ~ Recovering from Dysfunctional

110 response to "“I Want My Mommy” and Re-Parenting Myself"

  1. By: Erin Posted: 2nd February

    Darlene, your work has really helped me to get through a painful time with my family, ending up with no contact with several people. Only now have I begun to understand how much I’ve been affected by being brought up within such a dysfunctional family. For years I told myself I was fine, I could handle everything, I was even proud of myself for how much I could take! But now I can really feel how bad it’s been and I’m suffering through it, trying to heal myself, really stuck where I am. Your words about re-parenting ourselves are so helpful, and so difficult to do. I wondered if anyone here could give me advice on how to stick with it. I understand the reason why we need to do it, but sometimes it seems completely impossible to love myself: I have no idea how that would feel. But I must learn, because it’s so painful to hate myself! This is the first time I’ve admitted to myself how bad things are and how much I need help, even though I’ve had a lot of therapy and even some counselling training. Thank you Darlene and everyone else who supports each other here and on Facebook, I have found it a very important part of my life. Warm wishes to everyone. Erin.

  2. By: Davina Posted: 12th September

    Sharon (47) Wow–you went through horrendous abuse and I am so sorry. I know you wrote your comment four years ago but I hope you are safe now.

  3. By: Rachel Posted: 22nd August

    Really needed this article today. I know that my mother wasn’t nurtured by her mother growing up and in turn, didn’t nurture me. I always thought it would be so nice to be one of her friends or a pet, they got the best of her. The version of the mother I was given is not a warm, hugging, kissing empathic mother. My mother was always concerned with her social life, how wealthy she is perceived to be to her peers even if it’s a sham. I cannot have in depth emotional conversation with her. And now I feel numb about her. I had come to terms with the fact that she did the best she could, she didn’t have these things herself, she will simply never be able to be the mom I need….or so I thought. Today however, I realized that I’m still angry and I’m still very distressed that I was overlooked in the mom department. Recently she had a surgery, and for her entire stay in the hospital I was visiting regularly. Now, she’s been out for a month and a half and I haven’t gone to see her at home once. Everyone assumes I’m a shitty daughter that doesn’t love my mom. Honestly, I’m so numbed out about her. I tried today to have a come to Jesus meeting, get everything out…and yet again, she is clueless. I haven’t tried re-parenting myself. I’m a parent now. And I might just hug and kiss on my 8 year old more than he would like. But at least he can’t say that I wasn’t warm, huggy, and kissy. Lol

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd August

      Hi Rachel,
      Welcome to EFB ~ you are certainly not alone in all of this.
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Carlos Posted: 4th April

    The decision to re-parent myself is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted, alongside my vow to never be like my douche of a father. I am not only fixing some aspects of my personality that I don’t like, but I am also trying to oust all of the labels I have been given throughout the years, comforting myself, second guessing myself on what is wrong and what is right, phew it’s a lot of work! (Can I be excused for the fact that I have just started?)

    Sometimes, I kind of feel a little guilty when I neglect my father. But knowing that his parenting style is not what I would exactly call parenting, was when I learnt to let go of that desire to run back to him and be the “kid that he wants me to be” all over again. I think I’ll stick to me or at times, my mother thanks.

  5. By: Kris Posted: 6th January

    Hi Bridge,

    I am sorry that you are in so much pain. Sometimes I want to jump out of my skin too. We weren’t given the right tools to know how to nurture ourselves. It isn’t our fault but we can learn how to do it ourselves. When I learned how to stifle that inner critical voice is when I was able to start giving my own self the warmth and compassion that I deserved and that helped with alleviating some of the feelings that you are describing in your post but what I also found out for my self is I was suffering from multiple disorders at the same time that needed to be treated in different ways and until I figured out which characteristics fell under what disorder I was spinning my wheels because they needed to be treated in different ways in order for me to heal from it.

    Don’t give up. Keep reading. I journal about how I feel and it helps me figure out all the things that Darlene talks about on her website here. You have a great support system here. Keep posting!!

    Peace,
    Kris

  6. By: Light Posted: 6th January

    Hi Bridge,

    I am sorry you are in so much pain. You described it well with the papercuts. I wish I could take away your pain and mine too. I am in less pain now, and some days feel a lot of energy and light, so it does seem possible.

  7. By: bridge Posted: 6th January

    Thank you for posting this, thank you for doing the work.

    I am so full of despair and loneliness right now.

    I want to be wanted, nurtured, loved. HOW am I supposed to get that from myself? There have been times when I ddo well with this, and then cycle around to feeling like this again. I want to be held…my skin is screaming…it’s so strong that my brain doesn’t really work.

    I know that I’m supposed to stop wishing, hoping, expecting others to be my mother…..but i cant…my spirit is so stubborn and prevents me from moving forward into healing. Or maybe the healing path is about going through these cycles. It’s so painful….like being covered from head to toe in tiny burning papercuts.

    I don’t know how to nurture myself….i want to hide in a dark corner and cry until someone finds me…and if no one comes I can die there.

    But instead I am going to get up, go to work, and try my best to make it through the day.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th January

      Hi Bridge
      Welcome to EFB ~ It wasn’t my spirit that was so stubborn, it was my belief system. I believed that I could only move forward if someone loved me because I had been brainwashed to believe that I was only as good as “they” said I was. It was in seeing how that false belief system was set in place that I was able to break out of it and take my life back. That was when I was able to see how to nurture myself. I hope you will keep reading.
      hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Kelly A Posted: 14th November

    Caden, I have said those words myself ‘it’s always a contest’ and I have even said them to HER. She always replies with the same: ‘it’s not a contest, wait till you’re MY age’ or ‘I raised TWO kids’ or ‘I’m 64 yrs old AND I’m still working’ (mind you, she did not work my entire childhood and was home from birth till the time I was 16 at which point she got a part-time job). Somehow those comments justified a perceived ‘win’ for her. It never occured to me before I found this blog to ask her if she enters into the same contests with her co-workers or friends. It never even occurred to me that I don’t do that to HER! If she says ‘oh I’m so tired’, typically, the next words out of my mouth are ‘oh, how come?’. But then again I’m not a self absorbed person…

    She’s quite the martyr, even to this day. She touts how much she’s sacrificed for us (which to the trained eye is very little…she did the basic, bare minimum)and for some stupid reason she usually GETS the reverence she’s looking for from strangers and even her own equally dysfunctional sisters. ‘Oh, that must’ve been so hard for you’ ‘do they even APPRECIATE it?’…it really makes me want to vomit.

    Mimi,

    I really believe that the motive behind the fact that she ‘sacrificed’ what little money we had for us was entirely self serving too. It was likely to ‘save face’ as you said. Always the martyr, her real motivation for making said sacrifices was the cheers and reverence she got both then and now for having made them. It really wasn’t ever about the stuff. It was about how great she got to look (and subsequently feel) because she DID it.

    Hugs to all.
    ~Kelly

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th November

      Hi Kelly
      Yes, it never occurred to me either until one day I just saw a little tiny ray of truth and that started the whole healing ball in motion. Just one little crack in the carefully crafted relationship model based on power, control and ownership. I remember the first day I realized that some of the things that happened to me were against the law and that these people were NOT above the law! I remember how stunned I was that I had completely accepted this “parental entitlement” teachings. I remember thinking “wow… if my mother had hit her friend the way she hit me, she would have been charged and convicted of assault! It was a moment of clarity for me that began a whole huge sunbeam of freedom, wholeness and healing!
      hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Mimi Posted: 14th November

    Kelly,
    My mom made sure my two sisters and I were well dressed until we were able to work (age 11). Then we saved our money and bought school clothes. We were dressed well, but, it was because she feared people would suspect we were poor, or because she might look like a bad parent if she didn’t keep us in decent clothes. It was always about her.

    Peace,
    Mimi

  10. By: Caden Posted: 13th November

    Kelley A, great points, your description sounds exactly like my mother. Often when I was in pain or sick or sad, she would answer in a rage, “Well, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? When (insert reason why she has a ‘right’ to be more sick, upset, or weary then I and why I should thus shut up.) I didn’t know I had entered some ‘contest’ with my mother over who was suffering more, but everything was about her and she came first. If I had a problem with someone else, she would blame it on me and also try to ‘prove’ that I was to blame for anything else bad that happened to me. A wholly unsympathetic, self-righteous monster. My mother also felt she ‘sacrificed’ a lot but she was never selfless, never interested in anyone else.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th November

      Hi Kelly A
      Welcome to EFB ~ Yes, they make sure to remind you that ‘you deserved it’ and ‘you brought it on yourself’ ~ this is part of the brainwashing and when started young enough, it is hard not to just ‘accept it’. For me this was the most important part of the healing process; realizing where it was NOT something I deserved or brought on to myself. For them, they have to make sure you are always looking at yourself to see what you can do to improve because deep down they know that if you EVER start looking at them, you will quickly see how pathetic they actually are. (and then they lose all power they have over you)
      Thanks for sharing!
      hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Kelly A Posted: 13th November

    I actually think that my mother was less abusive during my childhood years (though she was still largely unsupportive and uncaring) than she has been since I’ve become an adult. However, my reaching adulthood also coincided with HER divorce and it was really at that point that all H-E-double-hockey-sticks broke loose and she became extremely abusive. At first towards both of us and then in later years, she almost seemed ‘sorry’ for abusing my sister early on (I remember that mom and the boyfriend had taken my then-19-yr-old sister’s bedroom door off the hinges simply because she opposed my mother’s decision to move us)but mom never seemed sorry for abusing ME because I afterall, ‘deserved it’. After her second relationship fell apart, I think she just plugged my sister in as the codependent crutch she needed for her own self esteem and value and my sister, who had gone through her own regression at that point had decided that a cushy lifestyle was worth having no respect as an adult and she was all too happy to take on the role. I always call them the ‘perfect storm’ because together, they are.

    The first time I really remember her discounting a sickness was with the depression that I was treated for after their divorce (which had less to do with the actual divorce, as I never had a relationship with my father so his absence wasn’t really marked, than it did with the life upheaval that came with it). We moved from my childhood home in a nice house in a nice suburb where all my friends (I was 19!) still lived to a small apartment in a dirty, dangerous city (to be nearer HER boyfriend). I’d left my friends, my job, my college, my lifestyle and everything I’d known my whole life behind and I was told ‘too bad, deal with it’. To this day, she really believes that the divorce was her issue alone. She even says ‘it was MY divorce, not yours’. She really believes that the dissolution of a marriage and 22 years of life affects only the people who’s names are on the decree. How selfish. But I remember her telling me that my depression was a ‘cop out’ and a ‘cry for attention’ because depression in general is ‘fake’. I remember her telling me that I was ‘weak’ because I’d opted for anti-depressants and that therapy is a joke and just a way for people to get addicted to drugs because ‘all therapists do is prescribe drugs so you don’t have to deal with life’. Her reason for my being in therapy was because I ‘couldn’t deal with life’.

    The abuse has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and she must think I ‘m made of titantium because every time I mention an illness, pain or concern for something, I’m told that I’m a ‘drama queen’, I ‘make things up’ and I ‘want everything to be serious’. If I say I have a cold and am feeling tired and rundown, she says ‘oh its just a cold, get over it’. If I say I’m tired, she says she is more tired because she got up earlier. I say ‘well, you also get home at 330pm where I am still at work until 6PM) and she says ‘well, I am also twice your age’. If I have a headache, she does too and hers is always worse.

    Two and a half years ago, I collided heads with my dog and broke my nose. I knew it broke, I felt it snap and I was in a sifnificant amount of pain but with no health insurance at the time, I didnt go to a doctor for it. Every time I mentioned it after the intial moment it happened (she wasnt around, we dont live together), I was told that I was exaggerating and it wasn’t really broken because if it was, I’d have been in more pain (she knows what type of pain I WAS in, apparently). She was in for a surprise because when I did finally have insurance again and I did go to a doctor, she came with me and he told me it WAS in fact broken and he was surprised I’d lived with it that long. Any small validation was priceless to me.

    So I say that too when I am sick or injured…that I want ‘a mommy’ not ‘my mommy’. My mommy has been good for very little when it came to comfort and concern. Even now, her very favorite words are that she put everyone else’s lives ahead of her own and now she is doing what is best for HER, taking care of HER needs. She sacrificed for everyone, all the time, her whole life and now its her turn. Perhaps that’s true on a material level to some degree but I have to say, it also comes with the territory of having kids. My parents didnt have money to clothe us all but my sister and I always had new school clothes every year, even if it meant she didn’t get anything. That always bothered me a little because while I certainly was appreciative, I also always sort of felt like we were HER choice and not the other way around. She did what any real parent would’ve done there yet she felt she should have been (and still should be!) revered for it. However her mental and emotional needs always came before anyone else’s. They still do.

  12. By: jane Posted: 4th May

    I have been seeing a therapist who is incredibly capable, she has drawn me out so well and we’ve done so much work. we get on very well Is it a negative or more to the point inopportune thing that I love her to bits, she knows this but doesn’t comment it. I want her to mother me, even if I try the mothering myself as well. I don’t really like the fact that I ‘want’ something from her and I realse that she’s not my mother and can’t mother me, but that’s what the sensation is! I would like to become friends when we complete therapy, I have no intention of rushing through it because of this, though.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th May

      Hi Jane
      Welcome to EFB
      It is common to feel this way about a therapist or someone who helped you ~ I felt that my therapist was the first model of a healthy parent that I ever had and there is nothing wrong with that ‘feeling’ or longing for them to be that parent. But there came a time when I was strong enough to take over and learn to parent myself. And I had to do that because what had been missing in my growing up years was the encouragement and validation for me to become an individual able to think and make decisions completely on my own. I had to learn to validate myself and re-define myself and that was where my freedom and wholeness ultimately grew from.
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Lora Posted: 31st January

    Hi Darlene! I am amazed at the layers there are to this healing work and re parenting. I’ve made myself into this never ending project that I feel I need to “repair”. I look forward to the day where I can just “be” comfortable in my own body and accept who I truly am. I know as each day goes by more will be revealed and I am very grateful for that. Sometimes I get stuck in feeling like the “sickness” will never end. My whole relationship I had with my mom was based in her mental illness so needless to say I was pretty screwed up when it came to loving myself. I realize that everyday I will be learning how to love myself and expanding that love outwardly. I’m so tired of the insecurities I still feel inside and I thank the Universe for sending me guides and support to help me. It sure takes a lot of commitment to move through this stuff and yes it is worth it. I don’t want to die an old bitter woman…I hope to leave this planet feeling at peace with myself and that I fullfilled my Soul’s purpose. I know on a deep level that everything happens for a reason and I know I can turn my life around for the good, it just takes time. I am so grateful for your web site and all that you and others share. You are certainly an Earth Angel to me who has brought great comfort. Thank you for being “YOU”, Namaste!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st January

      Hi Lora
      Welcome to EFB
      The whole process was very overwhelming at times, but wow, I never expected the final result to be this amazing! The layers of healing are certainly as huge as the layers of destruction were. There came a day when I ‘knew’ with all my heart and soul that I was changed; that I had done the work and that I was never going to ‘feel’ those ways again or fall into deep depression again. I still keep going forward but I have never felt overpowered by that lost, lonely and dark place where I came from. I found me, and I am me now.
      Glad you are here, thank you for sharing,
      Darlene

  14. By: Elody Posted: 27th January

    Dear Darlene

    I visited therapist and he diagnosed I suffer from childhood neglect
    and suggested me to self-mother myself.
    I searched through the net and I found this article , the problem is that I don’t remember anything about my relationship as a child with my mom.
    can you help me how to mother myself?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th January

      Hi Elody
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      There are many articles in this site about how I learned to re-parent myself. The quickest way to find them is to type “emerging from broken re-parenting” into google or ’emerging from broken’ with any key words you are interested in that I may have written about. Hope this helps.
      (Other than that, I do work with clients one on one on the phone or on skype, although I have a waiting list; if you are interested in that option, email me through the contact form and I will send you my rate.)
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Amy Posted: 13th November

    Thank you Darlene. I’ve been searching for an answer to my struggles and I found it! I pray that my 30+ years of struggling with my heartache will now be coming to an end. Thank you.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th November

      Hi Amy
      Welcome to EFB! My heartache finally ended! I write about ‘how’ I overcame and took my life back within the pages of this site,
      Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Marie Posted: 15th October

    Darlene, is there a system or therapist or book that you would recommend to help someone who knows they need to embark on self-parenting but doesn’t know where to start? Thank you.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th October

      Hi Marie
      This blog is like a book that is constantly updated. There are over 300 articles written by me all with discussions. This is my system and I am trying to get it into some workbooks and downloads so that people don’t have to read it all online like this but a lot of the’how’ questions are all answered here. I also work one on one with clients over the phone. (currently I only have one opening) ~ Starting can be the hardest part!
      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Yorinda Posted: 6th October

    Hi Darlene,

    it was so great to find your post, when I was researching ‘Reparenting yourself’.

    Obviously you have gone through the process of becoming aware of the cause of your feelings – what you missed out in childhood.

    In the last few years I have more intensively worked with my inner child and I write to her and reassure her and give her what she needs. (I grew up with 4 sets of foster parents until the age of 7)

    It is so good to know that a lot of my feelings are because she is activated.
    At this stage I am creating vision board movies for my inner child and in the process allow her to play with colors on Gimp to create the picture affirmations for the vision Board.

    Thank you so much for sharing this!

    Love and Light
    Yorinda

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th October

      Hi Yorinda
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken!
      I use writing a lot too and I learned to play close attention to what had been missing in my childhood to understand what I was still longing for as an adult, in order to do that re-parenting work.
      Thanks for sharing and glad you are here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: Roshani Posted: 20th June

    Thanks……Dear MIMI for your beautifull words ….I need so much this kind of shearing , like all of us here we have the COURAGE AND THE GREAT OPPORTUNITY ,to do!!!!At least just for this opportunity to meet here, in this life time , I feel that it is a big gift of exsistence!!!Now I am inside …right in the core of my PAIN of my childhood….this DEVASTATING FEELING …..this TERROR…..THE FEAR not to be loved nomore by my mother , because all the rest of the family , after years of sexuale abuse by my cousine , made me BELIVE THE BIGGEST LIE and betreyed that a child can receive …..that means that if this happened to me , was my FAULT …..I was the WRONG ONE ….not my cousin ….and i have been descriminated from allthe family …..not considered nomore part of the family!!!!!THIS IS THE UNTRUTH that i am seeing now , that I am UNCOVERING !!! Because the most DRammatic part of all these belives that a child has to take , he has no other choise, it is that at the end unconsciously i also BELIVED THAT I AM WRONG !!!!All my life i have tried hardly to cover up to the others that i am wrong, trying to BE EXTRIMELY GOOD WITH THE OTHERS …regardless!!!!!But now i know the TRUTH….I am not WRONG ,,,,,but instead I HAVE BEEN HARMED!!! But now ihave to dealt with all the devastating consequences of having tryed to bilt a LIFE on a Lie…….that seemed to work for a littlt while in my life ….but it could not work long ,because it has to arrive the time where the TRUTH comes out from under the snow!!!Now i understand a lot of things about some my Strange behaviours in relations, the most with girlfriends that i had in my life!!! They come all from my past and from the MISSUNDERSTANDING OF LOVE , that the sexuale abuse carries with itself!!! But the PUZZLE it is very complex and complicated ….and it seems always to me , that if it seems that a piece now it is in the right place …all the other pieces go out of their place!!!! But MIMI you are right …it is a taff time of ACCEPTANCE to go trought …..but if it has been possible for many of us …. I WANT ALSO MANAGE!! THanks to be!!! LOVE AND LIGHT! Roshani

  19. By: Mimi Posted: 19th June

    Roshani,
    I remember feeling what you describe when I first found Darlene, and EFB. It was like I was home…. finally!! There was a REASON I was angry, and in pain. There was a reason for all of the emotions I had dealt with, the depression, anxiety, confusion, etc. I was so relieved to find that I wasn’t alone. That there was hope for healing. I was uncovering a lot of truth in my mother at the time. I had no idea how to process it. I was lost and suicidal.

    I am so happy to say that all that has changed now. I am still very much in the process of healing, but, I don’t dread the light of day anymore. I have the tools now. I have the support of everyone here. It is priceless and has saved me.

    Those days of revelation and uncovering the truth of my past were so incredibly painful. I don’t want to go back, but I can say for sure, there is hope for getting through it. There is hope for the myriad of emotions you’re feeling.

    I believed the lies too Roshani. You’re not alone. It will get better. It is so very hard to accept. So painful. I hope you know there is hope and so much help here. I wish you the very best and as much peace as possible during this time of acceptance.
    Peace and Hope,
    Mimi

  20. By: Roshani Posted: 19th June

    Yes …..Darlene again you found exactly for me the right words, to express something that you have also gone through !!! I am trying to learn with all of you, this unknown language for me , to express my PAIN now and to find the bridge of all this , with the pain of my PAST!!!! AND if someone has worked a little more on herself , reading how she shear herself , I can learn …..and this it is so PRECIOUS for me and i think for all of us , in order to became aware of all the lies we had to belive in our childhood !!! I think that only seeing the TRUE we can HEAL our SOULS ……but the absurdity it is that after so many years of being forced to belive the lies, at the end i was really beliving all that and for this i think now , seem so difficult for me to accept the TRUTH …..even if i see that , it is clearly here in front of my eyes every day!!! But i think that i need time and i need a lot of patient with myself!!! I am so happy that i can shear with you again…..you can not belive how much you count for me and how much i i missed you all these months!!! THANKS AGAIN for your effort and your commitment in this life time !! LOVE ! Roshani

  21. By: Roshani Posted: 18th June

    Beloved Darlene! I hope not to be too quick to tell you , what it is even difficult for me to find the right words to express all that!!!Your last shearing with me about what i am DEEPLY processing since some months in relation to my mother,with my dearest FRIEND, it has STRONGLY affeccted me and in specific these precise words: ” A HUGE PART OF MY PROCESS IN HEALING , INVOLVED NOT TAKING MY FRUSTATIONS OUT on “INNOCENTS” “. Yes ….this simple word ” INNOCENTS” has deeply touched MY HEART and I hope and I feel that this can really help me to STOP this terrible repetition of every day….it is a kind of OBSESSION ….it is a kind of CANCER OF MY SOUL that has to find the way to EXPRESS ITSELF , TO COME OUT ….but i know that this is not the right way!!!II. I know that to stop this i need urgently to develop AWAERNESS about my BIG PAIN I have suffered with my mother …And I feel that your Honest and truth shearin it is helping me in this process of growing CONSCIOUSNESS….even if i think it needs time!!!But I want to START to BREAK this devastanting repetition!,
    It is incredible how sometimes the RIGHT WORD in the RIGHT TIME can really help the TRASFORMATION!!The word INNOCENTS has made my cry…..i also was Innocent when my cousin strarted to missuse my INNOCENCE, like it has been for all of us ,and unconsciously what i try to do now as adult never looked at my past,i try to harm in other ways,the persons close to me and that i love! it is really absurd and terrible all this!Itry to give back whath i have received!!!!So DARLENE once again THANKS ….and i promise to you that i shall manage!!!! FOr now it is just a little seed …..but very important for me …it has to grow….and every day i have never to forget to give water and sun and care!!!This is my WORK now!!!THANKS TO BE ! Roshani

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th June

      Hi Roshani
      I am glad you are writing. For me my attitude changed 100% when I faced the roots of my pain. I sometimes would rant and rave about all my frustrations and all that stopped when I sorted through where it was coming from. I never had a voice in any part of my past. I was always shut down, constantly devalued and that was the root of all of it. I had to validate myself, hear myself, so that I could stop spinning around out of control all the time.
      Hugs, Darlene

  22. By: Roshani Posted: 15th June

    THANK YOU so much….Darlene for your precious WORDS …..I shall try from this moment on , with all what i have , not to take my frustations out on INNOCENTS as is my dear friend KAVITA !!! i want to manage this for myself for Kavita and for the ones close to me !!!! LOVE AND LIGHT! Roshani

  23. By: Roshani Posted: 15th June

    TODAY I FEEL like to have came back HOME …….finding again all of you !!!! I FOUND AGAIN WHERE I BELONG!! LOVE ! Roshani

  24. By: Roshani Posted: 15th June

    Beloved Darlene !!!!How much I have missed all of you , in these long and desperate months , in which I had no more the possibility to communicate with all you !!!I have missed you like if I would not have no more my breath for my broken Heart!!! I missed your schearing ….your way to communicate all ours Pain and difficulties in life , that otherwise it is no possible to shear with no body else in this world , who had not a similar experience , in this life time !!! But now I have managed, with all my effort, to have back the connection with my I Pad …..so at least about this I am VERY HAPPY TO HAVE MENAGED!!!! And it is incredible for me , that I immediatly open your sito, I read the beautifull Poetry ……and I start to cry ….I cry ….I cry and I would like never to stop ……how it is possible that she express exactly the way in which I feel !!!!!I would like to be in her presence …..and hug her ….and thank her for her GIFT to all of us !!!!After a while i stop to cry , and i begin to feel much better then before …..i don’ t feel anymore so ALONE , how usually i feel , in these last months!!! Again i feel togheter with ALL OF YOU , and when i i feel this togheterness…..i feel also that i have still a possibility to TRASFORME this BURNING PAIN OF SEXUALE ABUSE !!!!Than i go on to open your article, and i read your PERCIOUS schearing about your relation with your MOTHER!!!!It seems incredible to me ……because are six or seven months , that I am processing this CONFLICTUAL RELATION OF LOVE – HATE ,that i had with my mother , during the seven years of abuse from my cousine , untill she deed when she was 49 years old and i was 23 years old !!!!!!This conflict started after i have managed to communicate to my mother what was happening to me since years…..and my mother said to me :” Anna……this Pain will take my to the grave ” …..and after 12 years she dyed!!!!I had BELIVED THAT I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG and for this now my mother would not have LOVED me no more …..but because for me was too much PAINFULL to feel this pain that my mother was not loving me anymore like before, I have started not to LOVE HER ANYMORE , beleving that would have been less painfull…….BUT NOW I NOW that it was not true ….because it has been very painfull also to go AGAINST MY HEART ….in my heart i was still LOVING my mother …..but at the end i have been really able to KILL MY FEELINGS towards her ….for the fear to be DIscriminated as the part of her family has done!!!!Now i am here by myself in this world , with this unresolved pain … and i am very SAD that since some months , i am processing this relation with my mother, projecting all on my DEAREST GIRLFRIEND and also my SPIRITUAL GUIDE , since long time and with whom also i live togheter!!!!I I am in fear to waste our frienship, because i express to her also a lot of hanger with terrible words, that i would never like to adress to her with my heart!!!!I don’t manage to stop all this ,i accuse her that she does not love me anymore…..i am in a co- dependency and that i speak is not what i wish to speak ….but comes out of my mouth like if it would be another person in me doing all!!! It is a terrible and painfull situation for both of us ……and she does not deserve to be treated like this ….even if i have been sexuale abuse!!!I know ….she is not my mother ….but she is just a good friend with whom i had the prevelige to share my Path …..my now my unconsciouss pain soffocated for all my life ….comes out so violently ….and i am also shocked of this part of myself that i did not known that i had!!!!!I I only wish , with all my Heart, that can turn on soon in me , THE LIGHT OF CONSCIOUSSNESS for my self and for all the love and gratitude that i have for my friend!!!!!THANKS TO BE !!!love and Light! Roshani

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th June

      Hi Roshani!
      Great to hear from you! About your friendship; it is so important that you write (or talk to someone) about your anger and pain caused by your mother and history in order to stop aiming that pain at your freind. I think that so much abuse comes from unexpressed anger and pain in the first place. I think that the articles here might help you with too. A huge part of my process in healing involved not taking my frustrations out on innocents.
      Glad you are back!!
      Hugs, Darlene

  25. By: Mimi Posted: 25th May

    Karen Ranes,
    I identify with so much of the stuff you said here. My dad was altogether different than yours, but my mom sounds very similar. My dad wasn’t engaged at all, he was drunk. Then he left when I was 11. His family then disowned my sisters and I. But, I don’t think that’s what really caused most of my injuries or pain. I know it caused fear, but the lasting and sometimes debilitating injuries were at the hands of my mother. She brainwashed my sisters and I to believe she was all we had, and all we’d ever have. In addition, I was the scapegoat, so I got the special treatment of verbal, emotional, an psychological abuse. I was the youngest and she really did a number on me, and still is trying to. I was blamed for everthing too Karen. All of my mom’s issues, were projected onto me, and then I was blamed for it. Double whammy!! I was a no good loser in her eyes, she convinced me I was, and told me my whole family agreed with her. I was really a child (it started a year after my dad left from what I can recall), and it lasted well into my 30s. Constant reminders of how bad I was to raise, etc. I was a good child until she turned on me and basically checked out of motherhood when her boyfriend came along. Then, I started acting out after being in a state of abandonment for a couple of years. She destroyed my sense of security, my self esteem, and the result was years and years of self loathing. For the past year, I’ve been processing all of this and I have uncovered other truths about her since then too. She’s a pathological liar. I had no idea. It’s all been devastating, but, I am determined to be free of her ball and chain, and be healthy….. someday!!
    Good luck to you Karen!
    xoxo,
    Mimi

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