Comments on: Why Should we Love where there is Fear and Abuse? http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/ from surviving to thriving on the journey to wholeness Mon, 21 May 2012 21:15:58 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3162 Darlene Ouimet Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:32:06 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3162 Hi Manuel, I wish that everyone felt this way. I wish all parents loved thier kids even! I know people who treat thier adopted kids way different than their biological children. How does that child grow up to feel? I have also seen families where one child has been treated worse or less accepted than another one. This is not my story, but I have seen it. I told the story on this blog of how my son thought that he was the most picked on becasue of expectations, but my daughers felt that they were neglected and not as important because they were not expected to achieve the same results as our son. All of them were right. Abuse and devlauing treatment comes in MANY forms. Thanks so much for your comments Manuel. You have such a kind heart. Hugs, Darlene Hi Manuel,
I wish that everyone felt this way. I wish all parents loved thier kids even! I know people who treat thier adopted kids way different than their biological children. How does that child grow up to feel? I have also seen families where one child has been treated worse or less accepted than another one. This is not my story, but I have seen it. I told the story on this blog of how my son thought that he was the most picked on becasue of expectations, but my daughers felt that they were neglected and not as important because they were not expected to achieve the same results as our son. All of them were right. Abuse and devlauing treatment comes in MANY forms.
Thanks so much for your comments Manuel. You have such a kind heart.
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Manuel Jones http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3149 Manuel Jones Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:31:23 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3149 You know Darlene. I've got an experience to tell you about adoption and how it feels to not be part of the family. If blood is thicker than water, then adopted children won't feel as loved as natural born children. Of course this notion is completely wrong. Adopted children are just as much a part of the spiritual DNA of the parents as the natural born children. Why? Well because both children are being raised in the same manner so they should be picking up the same input from the parents. Isn't the spiritual DNA more important that the physical one. I think that it is and I would never treat an adopted child any different than any other of my children. I've talked to my wife about adopting more children but she is not there yet. Hopefully one day we will be both on the same page in order to make this dream of mine happen. Love, Manuel You know Darlene. I’ve got an experience to tell you about adoption and how it feels to not be part of the family. If blood is thicker than water, then adopted children won’t feel as loved as natural born children. Of course this notion is completely wrong. Adopted children are just as much a part of the spiritual DNA of the parents as the natural born children. Why? Well because both children are being raised in the same manner so they should be picking up the same input from the parents. Isn’t the spiritual DNA more important that the physical one. I think that it is and I would never treat an adopted child any different than any other of my children. I’ve talked to my wife about adopting more children but she is not there yet. Hopefully one day we will be both on the same page in order to make this dream of mine happen. Love, Manuel

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3140 Darlene Ouimet Wed, 28 Jul 2010 05:23:33 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3140 Paulette, You may not like my answer, but no one can tell you what to do, only you can decide. And it is empowering to make these decisions too. When other people advise us sometimes we question if it was our decision or if we were influenced. As a professonal coach who worked in mental health support, I learned not to give any directives.. and I found that it works best for everone that way! Hugs! Darlene Paulette,
You may not like my answer, but no one can tell you what to do, only you can decide. And it is empowering to make these decisions too. When other people advise us sometimes we question if it was our decision or if we were influenced. As a professonal coach who worked in mental health support, I learned not to give any directives.. and I found that it works best for everone that way!
Hugs! Darlene

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3139 Darlene Ouimet Wed, 28 Jul 2010 04:33:28 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3139 Hi Ravin, So great to hear that you are learning to love! What a lovely blessing that is and good for you that you decided "no more". You will like my post tomorrow Hugs, Darlene Fi, I wonder about that question so often.. how can they? There are some posts here about spiritual abuse if you use the search too. I think it is the same old illness. They don't know how to love either. I am so glad that you are getting help and have some good mentors now! Recovery is so very possible and you deserve it! We all do. Hugs, Darlene Hi Ravin,
So great to hear that you are learning to love! What a lovely blessing that is and good for you that you decided “no more”. You will like my post tomorrow
Hugs, Darlene

Fi,
I wonder about that question so often.. how can they? There are some posts here about spiritual abuse if you use the search too. I think it is the same old illness. They don’t know how to love either. I am so glad that you are getting help and have some good mentors now! Recovery is so very possible and you deserve it! We all do.
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Paulette http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3136 Paulette Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:11:35 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3136 I just read the article again and I have a question to throw out to everyone. What if its not a funeral, but your brother's wedding and my abuser, my mother, will be there? She seems completely oblivious to how she treated me (oh, what a surprise!) - she thinks its about how she raised me. I told her many a time that its about how she TREATED me. She gave the 'impression' from her letter that she assumes by my coming to this wedding that we can just be together as a family and all will be okay, thus sweeping everything under the carpet again. I thought I had the strength to go to the wedding - but after some correspondence with my mother - no way. I can't go. I have siblings that don't understand and I have sometimes heard the "Get over it" statement. My question is not should I go to the wedding or not, but rather, should I disclose to my father (no longer married to my mother) and siblings the abuse I endured from my mother. I am sure they've heard bits and pieces, but I get the feeling that they pretty much cling to whatever she tells them which has put division between me and my siblings. So my question is, do Iay out the garbage for them to make their own judgments or at least understand why I have disallowed my mother in my life??? I just read the article again and I have a question to throw out to everyone. What if its not a funeral, but your brother’s wedding and my abuser, my mother, will be there? She seems completely oblivious to how she treated me (oh, what a surprise!) – she thinks its about how she raised me. I told her many a time that its about how she TREATED me. She gave the ‘impression’ from her letter that she assumes by my coming to this wedding that we can just be together as a family and all will be okay, thus sweeping everything under the carpet again.

I thought I had the strength to go to the wedding – but after some correspondence with my mother – no way. I can’t go. I have siblings that don’t understand and I have sometimes heard the “Get over it” statement.

My question is not should I go to the wedding or not, but rather, should I disclose to my father (no longer married to my mother) and siblings the abuse I endured from my mother. I am sure they’ve heard bits and pieces, but I get the feeling that they pretty much cling to whatever she tells them which has put division between me and my siblings.

So my question is, do Iay out the garbage for them to make their own judgments or at least understand why I have disallowed my mother in my life???

]]> By: Fi Nicholson http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3134 Fi Nicholson Wed, 28 Jul 2010 00:27:59 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3134 The hardest thing for me has been that the so called church family rejected me just as much as my biological family. As soon as they realise how wounded and damaged, totally relationally impaired and untrusting I was and yet I purported to be a Christian and to love Jesus - fingers started to point and the 'should' words began to be spoken and it was turned on me that it was my fault I was so screwed up. They couldn't get how you could be a Christian and be in such a mess. But instead of coming alongside and helping, it was forgive, forget, move on, it happened so long ago, stop harping on about it. But how can I forgive when my abusers deny anything ever happened and blame it on me for being a bad person? How can I ever forget 20 years of abuse and torture? How could I move on with none to help and walk alongside me? It may have happened a long time ago, but I live with it every minute I'm awake and then in my nightmares when I do sleep. The wonderful thing is that God has now brought some wonderful professional experienced amazing women into my life who are giving me hope and walking alongside me. I know I will heal now, although I know it will be a long journey. But my heart was broken twice over, once by my birth family and second by the church family. Thankfully I do now have a very small handful of Christian friends who see the real me underneath that so desperately wants to heal and who are supporting me in my journey. It's wonderful that we can support each other here and hear each other's pain and encourage each other. The hardest thing for me has been that the so called church family rejected me just as much as my biological family.

As soon as they realise how wounded and damaged, totally relationally impaired and untrusting I was and yet I purported to be a Christian and to love Jesus – fingers started to point and the ‘should’ words began to be spoken and it was turned on me that it was my fault I was so screwed up. They couldn’t get how you could be a Christian and be in such a mess. But instead of coming alongside and helping, it was forgive, forget, move on, it happened so long ago, stop harping on about it.

But how can I forgive when my abusers deny anything ever happened and blame it on me for being a bad person? How can I ever forget 20 years of abuse and torture? How could I move on with none to help and walk alongside me? It may have happened a long time ago, but I live with it every minute I’m awake and then in my nightmares when I do sleep.

The wonderful thing is that God has now brought some wonderful professional experienced amazing women into my life who are giving me hope and walking alongside me. I know I will heal now, although I know it will be a long journey. But my heart was broken twice over, once by my birth family and second by the church family.

Thankfully I do now have a very small handful of Christian friends who see the real me underneath that so desperately wants to heal and who are supporting me in my journey. It’s wonderful that we can support each other here and hear each other’s pain and encourage each other.

]]> By: Moreheads/Ravin http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3131 Moreheads/Ravin Tue, 27 Jul 2010 23:30:15 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3131 This was one of the hardest things we had to do. When our mother died we didn't go back for the funeral, it was a lie to go and pretend there was remorse. She was our first abuser there was never real remorse on her part either. But we did have to have a relationship while she was alive, she became the perfect grandmother to our son which meant we had to tolerate her in our lives after keeping her out for a decade. But it's our brother who we've really put out of our life. He was abusive and continues to be. He never took responsibility for what he did to us and drops a nasty on us every chance he gets, so we decided no more. With him tho no one pushes for us to have a relationship. Life is to short to continue to be abused by anyone, for sure not family! The biggest thing we've been learning was how to love, who to love and why. Love gets so corrupted by abuse and the aftermath of that abuse. It can take a really long time to realize we can love and that we deserve to be loved. Ravin This was one of the hardest things we had to do. When our mother died we didn’t go back for the funeral, it was a lie to go and pretend there was remorse. She was our first abuser there was never real remorse on her part either. But we did have to have a relationship while she was alive, she became the perfect grandmother to our son which meant we had to tolerate her in our lives after keeping her out for a decade.

But it’s our brother who we’ve really put out of our life. He was abusive and continues to be. He never took responsibility for what he did to us and drops a nasty on us every chance he gets, so we decided no more. With him tho no one pushes for us to have a relationship.

Life is to short to continue to be abused by anyone, for sure not family!

The biggest thing we’ve been learning was how to love, who to love and why. Love gets so corrupted by abuse and the aftermath of that abuse. It can take a really long time to realize we can love and that we deserve to be loved.

Ravin

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3122 Darlene Ouimet Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:03:46 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3122 Paulette, I don't mind at all and you bring up an interesting point; You feel connected to these women although your abuse was not sexual or physical but emotional and verbal. This was one of the reasons that I started this blog and why I do the work I do! I realized when I was speaking in seminars that people related to me no matter what they had been dealing with, no matter what diagnosis they had recieved and no matter what (if any) type of abuse they had in thier present or past. I realized that this was because of the belief system that had developed. ~ Darlene Hi Susan, it is always great to have a visit from you! You bring up a very interesting point about the others wanting you to "change back". Isn't that a "truth leak". I hear that all the time.. "lets go back to "normal" and normal to them is that they get to kick you around and you take it! They never see it that way though. There is an added problem with siblings too. Very often the parent is abusive in order to feel like they are still the king of the mountain, and if one adult child stands up to the parents, subconsciously the other adult children know that they are going to get picked on worse! Especially if the one that stands up is the one that gets most of the devaluing! Hugs, Darlene Hi Cyndi! OH yes, and the thing about "illogical" is that they find these ways to convince us from a young age that WE are the illogical ones. That is what has to change.. we have to realize that we are not the crazy ones! Thanks for stopping by!! Hugs, Darlene Jenny, I totally hear you. I wish that my mother could read my blog too, and for all I know, maybe she does. My father found it so maybe my entire family reads it. LOL I would love for my mother to realize what happened to her. She could be free from all the pain that she lives in too. But meanwhile, I had to make the decision that letting her treat me like that was not the answer for either of us. My mom chose men over kids too, but as you said she chose almost everyone over me. It is okay though because not having a relationship with her is not nearly the horror that I thought it would be. I don't have to put up with all that anymore. My next post will highlight one of the reasons that I finally drew the line. Hugs and thanks so much for your comments! Darlene Paulette,
I don’t mind at all and you bring up an interesting point; You feel connected to these women although your abuse was not sexual or physical but emotional and verbal. This was one of the reasons that I started this blog and why I do the work I do! I realized when I was speaking in seminars that people related to me no matter what they had been dealing with, no matter what diagnosis they had recieved and no matter what (if any) type of abuse they had in thier present or past. I realized that this was because of the belief system that had developed. ~ Darlene

Hi Susan, it is always great to have a visit from you!
You bring up a very interesting point about the others wanting you to “change back”. Isn’t that a “truth leak”. I hear that all the time.. “lets go back to “normal” and normal to them is that they get to kick you around and you take it! They never see it that way though. There is an added problem with siblings too. Very often the parent is abusive in order to feel like they are still the king of the mountain, and if one adult child stands up to the parents, subconsciously the other adult children know that they are going to get picked on worse! Especially if the one that stands up is the one that gets most of the devaluing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Cyndi!
OH yes, and the thing about “illogical” is that they find these ways to convince us from a young age that WE are the illogical ones. That is what has to change.. we have to realize that we are not the crazy ones!
Thanks for stopping by!! Hugs, Darlene

Jenny,
I totally hear you. I wish that my mother could read my blog too, and for all I know, maybe she does. My father found it so maybe my entire family reads it. LOL I would love for my mother to realize what happened to her. She could be free from all the pain that she lives in too. But meanwhile, I had to make the decision that letting her treat me like that was not the answer for either of us. My mom chose men over kids too, but as you said she chose almost everyone over me. It is okay though because not having a relationship with her is not nearly the horror that I thought it would be. I don’t have to put up with all that anymore. My next post will highlight one of the reasons that I finally drew the line.
Hugs and thanks so much for your comments!
Darlene

]]> By: Jenny http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3119 Jenny Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:20:38 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3119 Patty, Your post really woke me up....that is so heavy....I admire your character for standing up to your family for your sister. They can't handle it, denial is what keeps them alive maybe. It is so sad...but when people can't handle the truth it's all denial from there....you are strong...they unfortunately are not with you on your quest for truth....I can only imagine your heartbreak....hugs to you... Patty,

Your post really woke me up….that is so heavy….I admire your character for standing up to your family for your sister. They can’t handle it, denial is what keeps them alive maybe. It is so sad…but when people can’t handle the truth it’s all denial from there….you are strong…they unfortunately are not with you on your quest for truth….I can only imagine your heartbreak….hugs to you…

]]> By: Jenny http://emergingfrombroken.com/why-should-we-love-where-there-is-fear-and-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-3118 Jenny Tue, 27 Jul 2010 16:58:10 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1320#comment-3118 Darlene, You hit the nail on the head. I too have a mother who believes I should love and respect her...she was a "good" mother...she knows she has made mistakes yet she can't take responsibility for one of them. I wish she could read your blog. Maybe she would actually learn something...if she could just get past the denial....it is sad. I used to think that she just chose men over her kids but in reality she chose anyone over us. We could never ever be right. She was always on their side. It hurts that my family is so broken....but I choose to see the truth and I choose to have a family of my own without the abuse and hurt. In the end I choose me. Thanks for that post. Darlene,

You hit the nail on the head. I too have a mother who believes I should love and respect her…she was a “good” mother…she knows she has made mistakes yet she can’t take responsibility for one of them. I wish she could read your blog. Maybe she would actually learn something…if she could just get past the denial….it is sad. I used to think that she just chose men over her kids but in reality she chose anyone over us. We could never ever be right. She was always on their side. It hurts that my family is so broken….but I choose to see the truth and I choose to have a family of my own without the abuse and hurt. In the end I choose me. Thanks for that post.

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