Aug
15

Why Me? Wrong Answers to Abuse Recovery Questions

By

abuse and mental health recovery

Why Me?

I read the following quote on twitter and it really bugged me: If a person who went through domestic violence asks you “Why me?” then answer; “you’ve been put on this Earth to help others who went through the same thing.”

I think not.

This ticks me off because I used to believe this kind of thing; I accepted it as the truth, but today I see it for the skewed way of thinking that it is. If I believe this saying, then I have to believe that there was some grand plan for my life that included me being mistreated, abused, invalidated and devalued. If I believed this then I would believe that abuse is and mistreatment is for character building and actually has a place in our world.

I was not abused because the universe, fate, God or some other higher power had some amazing plan for my life. A plan that included me being beaten down and squished, devalued, mistreated, abused and invalidated for the first 40 or so years of my life, so that I could emerge from the rubble, bleeding and broken and become this fantastic encouragement to the world and make a huge difference.  I think not.

I can use my adversities and the struggles that I had to overcome to encourage others, yes, but that isn’t why they happened. We all want the answer to the question “why did this happen to me?” The answer that this was so that we can use our adversity to help others ~ is just the best answer many of us can come up with, but I often think that the reason we come up with that answer is because we don’t want to look at the real answer. People, sick people, abused us psychologically, mentally and emotionally, physically, or sexually ~ the point isn’t how it happened; the point is that it did happen. Sometimes these people were our parents, OR we are afraid to look at the possibility that our parents knew something was wrong and didn’t do anything about it or didn’t look farther into it. The truth will set you free, but we are deathly afraid of it. Some of us were beaten and lived in horrific situations of domestic violence, often daily. Even witnessing abuse is terribly traumatic. I can’t believe that this was “meant to be”.

Some of us were sexually abused and physically abused and completely invalidated in our own homes by people we trusted, people that were supposed to take care of us and we lived in fear, guilt, shame and confusion.  Others of us suffered sexual abuse by a neighbor, an uncle, aunt or grandparent, and we were coerced into not telling. I can’t accept that this is because God had a plan to use that situation to better the rest of the world in the future. That would be almost as bad as the abuse itself.

Some of us were called stupid, selfish, useless, ugly and all other manner of abusive and devaluing statements against our personhood. Some of us were told called liars, trouble makers, and told that our feelings were “wrong”. ~ do you really want to accept that this was “all God’s plan” for your life? What kind of God would organize the world that way? No wonder there is so much controversy about God. No wonder people hate the very concept of a God. But it isn’t God that decided this would be the way, it is Man who blames God for the outcome of the world.

All of these types of abuse ~ physical abuse and domestic violence, sexual abuse and psychological abuse, and even witnessing any of these kinds of abuse attack us at the core of who we are. They rip away at our individuality and our personhood; they force us to try and deal with things we have no way to comprehend how to deal with; they tear down our chances of productivity and cause damage that we so often don’t realize was the cause as we grow up in years, resulting in depressions, physical illness, mental breakdowns and mental health problems, low self esteem, failure to thrive in life, oh the list goes on.

Every so often I go on a rant. This was one of those times. Thank you for reading; I would love to hear your comments!

Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

Categories : Self Esteem

106 Comments

1

Darlene, getting ticked off produces some of your best work, and this is one of those. And I am right there with you. It has always hurt me to the core when people even hinted at the possibility that God had planned the torture that I endured so that I could be some kind of broken lantern in the end to dimly light the way. It makes the healing even more difficult because now do I not only have to work through the cruelties of the people in my life, but now have to work through the cruelties of a God who would do that to me, a little little girl.

It is more palpable for a survivor to be able to place the blame soley on the ones who hurt them, than to have to place that blame on the One with whom they suffer even more shame for being angry at and expressing the hatred they feel in their core when they work through the whole thing.

People may be well meaning, or careless, but I’m so glad you have addressed this lie and have given survivors a chance to hear something different than that God their Creator feels so indifferent to their suffering that he would orchestrate it.

Thank you so much for this one!!!

Love you!

2

I have been told more times than I can count that everything happened to me because God had a special plan for my life. Yes, i believe God has a special plan for my life but it didnt include rape, torture, abandonment, humiliation, or lack of love. That was mans choice to do those things to me. God really had nothing to do with it. Because people ,especially religious figures, dont know how to deal with abuse or know what to say they just kind of make something up that sounds good. this leaves the victim thinking that God wanted things to be this way. He wanted me to hurt and suffer. Wow! How sick is that! If people have nothing helpful to say or dont know what to say they probably should just keep their mouths shut….i think that would be most helpful! Great post Darlene! At least I know there is someone out there that feels the same way I do. (closed minds should come with closed mouths) 🙂

3

Hi Darlene

It ticks me off too.

Many people have said this to me down the years. It’s one of the biggest lies out and one of the most hurtful things to say.

What ticks me off all the more is that the people saying this think that they’re soooooo helping you by saying this to you and that for you to react in any way but positively to their words is wrong. Somehow you are in the wrong for not smiling sweetly and saying hey isn’t that so wonderful to know, thank you so much for helping me.

Yes, like you say we can use our experiences to help and encourage others.

But the ONLY reason we were abused is because very sick, selfish, evil people made the choice to behave in ways that are totally obscene, abnormal and evil. Man always blames God for the evil that man creates and perpetuates.

Good on the rant!!

Fi

4

Carla.. Yes.. anger can be a great motivator.. LOL It is great to read that this makes others angry too! I tried really hard to believe this ~ that my abuse was part of the plan for my life. I hope that most people who say things like this don’t mean to hurt others by saying it. (because many of them have been abused themselves and they actually believe this) I prefer today to understand that my past CAN be used to assist others in overcoming the abuse they suffered, but that is NOT why it happened.
Love your comment!
Hugs, Darlene

5

Darlene- rant on! ur so right-now that we’ve been through it we can do something 4 others, but NO WAY IN HELL would I agree3 to going through this!!

6

Hi Nicole…
judging from the email I am getting about this post, there are a LOT of others who feel this same way! Thanks for your contribution to this post!

Hi Fi!
I love what you said ~ “Man always blames God for the evil that man creates and perpetuates” Oh so true!
I am loving everyone jumping in on this rant with me and sending a little rant of their own! Its kind of like dumping the trash, freeing and the air smells better too. (well something like that.. LOL)

Hugs, Darlene

7

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Darlene Ouimet, Darlene Ouimet, Lola Snow, joei metsz, On The Borderline and others. On The Borderline said: RT @DarleneOuimet: I was NOT abused, violated and devalued so I could help others! Here is my rant http://tinyurl.com/2g9ge7q […]

8

Darlene,

I too growl when I hear this. Good for you for bringing it up. When we blame God for what happens to us, we also put ourselves in a defeated state of mind. How can we possibly fight against God? How can true and complete healing happen as long as we blame Him and not the real perp? I was faced with the same statements when my daughter had cancer. God gave her cancer, so we would now have a testimony to share with the world about her overcoming it. ……. GRRRRRR.

To label God as having anything to do with abuse or cancer, just to give us a reason to help others, is so totally insane to me. I could have helped others as a nurse or guidance counselor, without ever experiencing the abuse and the cancer. I could be spending my life on other helpful things with out paying a price before doing it. We don’t need to be beaten down to help someone, it only takes a commitment.

I also think that false statements like this is said, because of a grandios (spell check) state of mind. If I claim that God had something to do with my abuse and my calling to help the abused, then that makes me an important person. Like, God chose me…… to fulfill this calling and in order to do it, he caused this to me, and then he helped me so I can help others. It lifts us up above others. We have a special connection now.

I believe I am called to do things, but I do not believe He caused me pain, and especially a false self, to do it. That is kind of oxymoron isn’t it? To believe that God created me and made me unique, yet, He would cause something to happen to me, to where I would hate everything about me. The person He created? Doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, keep up the good “sense” and help us all get common “sense.”

9

Wow, I have been told that so much I must have it officially stamped on me somewhere. Truth is I never really saw it this way until I read your blog just then .. I have questioned it many times myself.. but never really could put my finger on what was wrong with that statement. A lot of food for thought here Darlene Wow light bulb just went on! thank you!

10

Hi Darlene…..I completely agree with you and everyone else who has posted. I mean “really?” I got so sick of hearing this statement…I would just smile and nod my head all the while thinking to myself “that is such a load of crap….the God I know and Believe in has nothing to do with this….He would not do this to me on purpose….PERIOD!”

With that belief in my head and heart, I struggled through many years of abuse from many people. Then I met my best friend, she told me something that also helped me…..”You can’t blame God for every bad thing that happens, as that is the Devil, trying to get into your life and mess things up….you cannot let the Devil destroy your belief in God…and the devil will try every chance he gets”

So I guess what I am trying to say is that people do bad things to people and they are being led by the devil….they are trying to break you and When you have Faith in God you can fight back.

This is just my belief…and it has helped me alot.
Just wanted to share it with you all.
Love and hugs to all, Corie

11

This is so good, Darlene! I feel very strongly about this, too. Even if good things do ultimately come out of tragedy or abuse, I don’t think that is any indication that it was part of some divine plan. I think the belief that ‘it was meant to be’ is important to address in the healing process. If we believe that the horrors we faced were unavoidable actions that we were destined for, then we remain as victims to fate. In abuse, our choice was taken away and in fate, our choice never validated or restored. We remain as helpless children and can never achieve adulthood. This belief makes personal empowerment impossible. Thank you so much for sharing this.

12

Patty!
GREAT point about these kinds of false statements being used to declare being chosen by God for some special purpose! This is so dangerous because abusers can also decide to abuse ~ telling themselves it is also part of God’s plan and that becuase of them YOU will be chosen by God.. (and some of them say things just like that too..) So no matter which way we look at it, LIES do damage. False bleiefs do so much damage. Skewed definitions cause so much damage.
I love your comments Patty! Thank you so much for this contribution and for posting a little rant of your own! (RANT ON EVERYONE… LOL)

Joei ~ Welcome to Emerging from Broken! Thanks for your enthusiastic encouragement!

Nikki, love those light bulb moments.. I used to believe in “meant to be” and didn’t really understand the baggage that went with it. SO damaging and in some ways another re-abuse!

Love and Hugs, Darlene

13

Good one hon. I have the advantage of not being shackled to amguy someplace who plays the Universe as his own personal marionette. It is frightening to recognize that
There is no “reason” other than that we were at
The wrong place wrong time. Makes control I
Possible,’which just sucks. As soon as I got that alot of stuff came in to place.

14

Christina,
Thank you for adding your wisdom to this post also. (the comments are great, hey??!!) I struggled with the “meant to be” stuff for a very long time. I thought it was part of “acceptance is the answer”. I thought that I had to accpet what happened because it was meant to be ~ Well it all got jumbled together because I learned to cope with everything with the mind of a child so my whole way of viewing everything was very skewed as an adult. When I sorted this one out it was as though a big weight lifted. My views about God seemed way less confusing then. Letting go of false beliefs has enabled me to grow up.
Thanks!
Darlene

Hi Corie.. Thanks for sharing your take on this also!
Its interesting to reallize that so many of us processed things in different ways. I didn’t know that it wasn’t true at all. I was more with Patty’s version.. hoping that I was special ~ chosen by God to make this difference in the world so i had to earn my dues and suffer first. I am glad that you realized early on that it ws crap!
Thanks for sharing.
Love Darlene

15

wow another brilliant blog darlene,
me i personal believe that there is a plan, but it is not set in stone so detours occur when there is barriers n road blocks to healthy development. yeah i agree that religion is not always godly in nature, but the churches are ran by humans, the bible written n edited by humans. human beings cause misery n destruction where ever they go and say they so it in the name of their gods.
i think that god has helped me find the strenght to overcome and see light in some of my issues but it is still me that has had to do the work n go thro the pain of relearning how to live a happy life. yet sometimes i hear somethimg n it helps n if that just coincidence then so be it but i like to think there is someone out there trying to give me a clue how to escape the maze that my past has become

16

I totally agree Darlene. I think for some people they didn’t mean it to be so damaging it was just their only way of trying to make me feel better or something but however it is a re-abuse I have been in so many churches that the people would tell me this! What I have come to realize even before I read your blog (your blog help me to finally nail down the answer for the questions I had about it) is that we just have to live this life for what it is but never justify abuse as being part of God’s plan!

It is like saying “Now you have been beaten rightly you are worthy to be apart of the human race and do a good deed to win favors with God”

I mean don’t get me wrong I am not being rude just blunt and I do know often times it is the very people that can honestly empathize with someone that can reach others more than a person who has no clue what its like however even a person who has never been thru what most of us have can reach a person just by loving them..

17

Oh boy am I glad you ranted that. I too bought into this and maybe part of the process is in trying not to beleive we were random. I wanted what happened to me to have some meaning besides my father was a nasty selfish self serving self absorbed sub-human incapable of loving me. I do feel a tremendous responsibility to tell my story and to try to make a difference, however, statistics tell us this is an uphill climb at best. The numbers on pedophillia and child abuse continue to climb at an amazing rate. I feel that a God who could create that scenaro would certainly be a God who would have been able to find a better way to stop the abuse than creating a legion of scarred, damaged and hurt children to grow up and try to carry the torch. Not to mention not have provided the means to get into therapy and heal to do the work. So many do not heal, live their life in pain, self medicate or the ultimate…. Sorry Darlene, bit of a rant myself on this subject.

18

Excellent piece. You’ve articulated everything I’ve ever thought on this issue really well 🙂 Thank you Darlene.

19

Hi Darlene, people who make that type of statement anger me as well. It’s as if they don’t know that words have meaning and that off the cuff generalizations can wound deeply. To set up a construction whereby some good is at the core of something that is inherently bad is nonsense. This is the problem that I have with most platitudes: things do not always happen for a reason, the customer is not always right, misfortunes are not God’s plan, etc. It’s so exasperating! This was a good rant, and I hope that the sender of the tweet that set you off on it is made aware of your post. Ray

20

Splinteredones,
Hi, good to see you here! Thanks for your comment.

Annie,
Like I said earlier to someone else; Rant On. (thanks to Joei for using that expression in the first place!) Thanks for this addition to my rant! It’s all good!

Pandora,
Welcome and thank you for your encouragement!

Nikki,
As you and so many others have highlighted, this subject triggers a whole lot of other things ~ If I believe that then I have to believe this, and so on and so on. It’s isn’t good!
Thanks for adding your thoughts!

Ray,
Welcome, and you ALSO add new highlights to this post and make very valid observations! I really appreciate your input and hope that you (and everyone else) will post your insights often!

Hugs everyone! Darlene

21

Carol,
I love the word “brilliant” thanks!
You makes a great point. We do have to do the work ourselves and yes.. there is pain… but it is so worth it, and the pain is never as bad as I am afraid that it will be.
Thanks for your contribution to this blog post!
Hugs, Darlene

22

Darlene you Rock! Rant on Gal!

This has always been a pet peeve of mine. It’s right up there with “it made you a stronger person” which is total bull! Truth is we just were strong and lucky to have survived, MANY don’t, and at what price?

Then to involve G-d is hateful. It was hard enough to be told has a child that Christ “suffered the little children to come to him” only to be shown what worthless beings we were to that G-d. Free will, people abuse others out of freewill, not some grand plan of G-d. It hurt us, kept us from any real spiritual healing.

Bad, sick, twisted people did horrible things to us, they took a part of purr life away from us, made us have to work harder then others, this did not happen so we could help others.

If we help others that’s ours not our abusers credit!

Thanks for this rant.
Ravin

23

I always wonder why “God” can be omnipotent and yet lack an astounding amount of foresight….??? I’m an atheist, though. Great thread.

24

Darlene … just skimming my way down past all the comments, I had to say that I think this was a great blog post! I never thought much about the abuse being a part of God’s plan or not. What happened to me was not God’s plan at all … but its amazing how He’s using me now to be there for other abused people. As much as folks would like, God cannot control the actions of others.

God never intended or had plans for us to be abused – for Him to do that would make Him being a partaker of our abuse. We went through crappy stuff, treated like crap and no one can know why. I sure never felt like I deserved it … and yet God is healing me from it so I can have wholesome relationships with my kids … and with my husband.

25

Hi Ravin,
Oh yes, exactly like “it made you a stronger person” and you know what?? I used to SAY stuff like that! I was living is such a fog that I tried to be grateful for my past. I am stronger now that I GOT through it however I was not stronger becasue I WENT through it AND that doesn’t justify that it happened. Oh I am just in a ranting mood today! LOL
EXACTLY ~ “and at what price!” that is my point too.
and I LOVE your last line ” if we help others that’s ours ~ NOT our abusers credit!” Oh yes baby, you said it!
Thanks so much for your comments!

Sarah Elise,
You make a valid point too ~ thank you!

Amaryllis
I agree that God was never a partner in the abuse of anyone, and I can certainly see why so many people struggle with any concept of God or higherpower, when there is information like this kind of “just meant to be” stuff floating around everywhere.
I am so grateful for all the comments on this discussion! I think I will “rant” more often!

Hugs, Darlene

26

Darlene,

I don’t know how you do it, but you always seem to somehow crawl inside my head and read my thoughts. I get so angry when I”m told that I went through all this horrible stuff in my life “for a reason” and that I just need to figure out what I am supposed to do with my pain, how I am supposed to use it for good.

27

People say what they don’t understand all the time not thinking about the consequences of their words. Then again, manipulative and abusive people know exactly what they are saying and with what intent they meant for the words spoken. Some abusive words came from ignorance and some from meanness. We as adults have to learn how to discern between the two to make a little sense of it all. Obviously if people are guilty of negligence, nonsensical thinking and speaking or just plain abuse, we have got to get good at telling the difference between all of these and their nuances. Once we get good at discernment, we could teach others starting with our children and those that we influence to do the same and get smart. I would like to see the chains that held us captive never come up again in our lifetime and the lifetimes of our children. We have got to start calling things what they are. If it’s abuse- say so. We shouldn’t be afraid to express ourselves and tell others of innappropriate behavior that we notice in others that may be abusing children, women, or even men in a fewer instances. It breaks my heart to read the stories where God is blamed for everything. Let me give you a few examples: “I ate thirty four donuts and got sick from doing so. It’s God’s fault for not stopping me.” or “I smoked for 40 years and now I have lung cancer and it’s God’s fault for allowing me to love cigarettes”. Where you have a free will, there is always a possibility of abuse. There are consequences for bad decisions and terrible consequences to others when those bad decisions involve abuse of others. Justice needs to happen to the abuser in order for them to stop their abusive behavior. If not, their is no deturant to stop the abuse. I’ve read where a lot of serial killers tend to watch a lot of pornography. Are people allowed to watch pornography? Yes, it is their freedom to do so. Is it good for them? Not really – it enslaves men to their base desires. So should men stay away from pornography? In my view, yes. Will they?? Some will, some won’t. Can this behavior end a marriage? Yes, it has that possibility. So you see, we are good at judging God but not very good at judging others who choose their path, even if they know that there may be consequences down the line. By the way, watching pornography is a moral choice and God is not in favor of it. So if you watch pornography, that is strickly on us. When we get into trouble because of this or get additions to it, then I guess then would be a “good” time to blame God. “God you told me not to do it but I did it anyway and He(GOD) didn’t stop me, so it’s His fault.” God gave every human the power to decide for themselves. Some abuse of this right while others respect others and try to stay within a “love thy neighbor” type code. God did not make us robots and because of this, we are responsible for ourselves. Too bad we are in the care of others who can abuse us as children and others who weild their power over us as adults (abusive husband). Put the blame on those who are to blame – parents, uncles, teachers, husbands, pastors, etc.. who have over stepped their moral boundries and did abuse. We are all moral agents whether we like it or not. We all have to decide everyday whether, we will do good or do bad. Some of us have the advantage of having excellent parents and some not so fortunate. These are just some thoughts that I had reading through Darlene’s story.
Regards,

28

Hi Becky,
Oh yes, the old “everything happens for a reason” which can be just a harmless expression unless it is linked to abuse, and “how can I used it for good?” Like we just wake up and brush ourselves off and decide that we will “use this for good” like that will just make the whole terrible mess that happened, worth it! People really don’t think about what they are saying or how it will be taken or the damage that it can cause. It’s even worse when one survivor says stuff like this to another and we are right back at square one with “just get over it and just move on”.
Thank you for your comment Becky.

Manuel,
You make a lot of good points in your comments. One of the things that I have come to understand is in reference to your comment “We as adults have to learn how to discern between the two to make a little sense of it all. Obviously if people are guilty of negligence, nonsensical thinking and speaking or just plain abuse, we have got to get good at telling the difference between all of these and their nuances. Once we get good at discernment, we could teach others…” is that part of the problem most of us have is that we can’t get good at doing this until we get out of the fog that being “squished under others since childhood” has caused. Once we realize why we accept these kinds of statements and realize that these statements are not “the truth” (we were not abused so we can make a difference in the world) then we get sharper when it comes to other false statements. Well that is how it worked for me anyway! For me, a lot of the recovery process was about growing up in the areas that I had not been taught or allowed to grow up in. When you hear your whole life that blue is red, then you really believe that blue is red. I needed to unlearn some of the stuff that I learned and then I began to see the world through a different grid of understanding.
Thanks for your comments. Hugs, Darlene

29

I was not abused to make a difference, that is putting the cart before the horse. i was abused because I was in contact with sick individuals. I was abused that is a fact, what I choose do to about it now that I have accepted it is to let God turn it into something useful. i spent way to many years drowning, and one day I learned to dog paddle and now i can swim. I am not doing any competition swimming but i am not drowning anymore. As is my recovery from the abuse inflicted on me by others and the abuse I inflicted upon myself trying to cope. I am grateful to be a place of happiness.

30

I agree with this, too Darlene and thank you for saying it. I have come to believe there are some people who say things because it helps them feel better, and they don’t have a clue what they are doing to the person they say it to. They walk away thinking they did some good, and we are left standing there feeling crushed inside. No, God did not plan for this to happen to me – I believed that for far too long and ended up hating Him. Thankfully, I have come to terms with it and He is now a part of my life. I am able to have empathy for those who are being abused or have suffered it in the past, and I do reach out to any I meet. Thank you for being a voice!

31

So true Darlene … I get this all the time from people who struggle with believing in or trusting in God … ‘Why does He allow bad things to happen?’ ‘How come this happened to me?’

To which I reply, God didn’t ‘allow’ anything – crap happens because some people are just not nice. People have choices as to how to treat people be they good or bad. People have choices whether to believe in God or not … no one can make someone change and no one can make someone love you. God is given us wills of our own to exercise. It is up to us to choose … to choose how to treat people … to choose whether or not we want to love people.

It angers me too that people blame God for their misfortunes and abuse. Truth is, God hates it when abuse happens to us – He didn’t like it and doesn’t like it – He even says about people who wrong us that ‘vengeance is His’ (in His time of course) … but when a soul chooses not to ‘listen’ to Him and go about doing what they want anyway – that person is exercising their free will.

There comes a time when one has to stop blaming God and let God heal them of the wrong done to them. :o)

32

Welcome Pam!
I love your swimming analogy ~ SO fitting especially since I use the drowning visual so often. Yes we learn to swim and heal along the way. Thank you for sharing your comments and hope you share more soon!

Welcome Jan!
I think you are right ~ some people do say things because it makes THEM feel better. (that is why I used to say this kind of stuff about my past being about making a difference with my present). Thank you for sharing your victories with us, and for sharing yourself with others too. I hope you visit here often.

33

This is so needed to be said and a GREAT rant.
I actually think it does a disservice to victims of abuse claiming it happened for a reason or part of God’s plan. Claiming it as such shifts the focus and responsibility.

34

So true Jan! I think people say it to make themselves feel better. As with PTSD and trauma there’s an orgy of blame the victim & forgive the abuser lately… frankly it makes me sick. I don’t know of one person who CHOSE to be abused – particularly by a parent or caregiver. God does not want it that way – there is EVIL in this world. Incurable personality disordered people who take advantage of others (including children) that have zero to do with God’s plan. And I am sick to death of it was “MY CHOICES” that brought me here. Are they kidding? These people should thank God that what’s happened to me and some of the rest of us hasn’t happened to them… Yet.

Great rant Darlene

35

I sooooooooooo needed to read your words today, Darlene… while I’ve never been told that God has a plan for me, I do spend my life ministering to the needs of those less able than I am… it gives me a reason to get up in the morning because, frankly, I am simply too chicken to end it. I keep telling God that my bags are packed and waiting at the door anytime He’s ready to call me home. On my next b’day (and this one’s hitting me HARD), I will be 60 and all the hopes I had for a better tomorrow are gone. Yes, I love my work and I have good friends but that’s it. Those should be the icing on the cake but alas, I have no cake… just icing. I can’t seem to make a better way for myself… I adopted two kids – one is going to trial as a pedophile, the other sleeps all day and is up all night doing absolutely nothing… my husband hasn’t worked in 5 years and we are living, in our handiman special, off our savings basically. I had such potential, even I realized that at an early age but beatings and sexual situations with an uncle on a constant basis shut me down – I became sullen and withdrawn and as a result psychiatrically hospitalized and as a result, lost everything I held dear – which told me it didn’t hold me dear in return. I drank for years to numb the pain then appreciated that that wasn’t a long term plan. Got sober, trained, work my arse off…. ok, enough… I can’t take the notion of paying for the idiocy of my caregivers with my very sanity or life… how DOES anyone do this day after day after day? I am SOOOO tired…. thanks, anyone who got this far, for listening

36

Welcome Jafabrit!
I had no idea how appealing this little rant would be! You make a great point ~ shifting the focus and responsibility ~ absoloutly!

Hi Barbara,
Thanks for your feedback and great points. I think the world has always tried to place the blame on the victim somehow; I think that lately we are standing up to it more! (yahoo! it’s about time!)

Hugs, Darlene

37

Welcome Sara,
My heart goes out to you and I want to tell you that there is hope. It is never too late to take your life back. I lost hope to when I was in my early forties. I know that is younger then you are, but at the time I thought it was too late to have a life. I thought I had wasted too much time that there was too much water under the bridge. I was chronically depressed with several other complications.
Earlier today I was thinking about when I was younger, I had all this hope that one day I would “get over it” and I would be okay. I think that as I got older and things just seemed to get worse, that that was when I started to lose hope. When I started to lose hope, I sunk really deep. But I found a way back and I never expected my life to be this great. In fact I only wanted to be just okay. I only wanted to stop wishing that life would end. I only wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere.
This blog is a collection of little bits of the story of how I came back, how I recovered and how I found the real me underneath all the life stuff that covered up the real me. I found freedom from depression, and I found life purpose and passion and today I live each day to the fullest. I write this blog to share my hope ~ my truth~ with the hurting world. I hope you read some of the other posts and I wish for you to catch some of my hope.
Please share with us whenever you feel like it.
Hugs, Darlene

38

Beautiful Rant I do agree that we do not go through abuse so we can be examples and witnesses’ to the next generation. What about all the forgotten that didn’t make it past and died or lost their minds or were murdered or committed suicide? Do the righteous think that the ones that didn’t make it weren’t tough enough? Maybe they would not have been a good enough example? This type of shit is nothing more than re-abuse. I believe God does not put us in uncontrollable turmoil just so we can survive to tell our tale and tell others it is OK. NO abuse is OK. No one should have to put up with a lot of the sickness in the world. I applaud you Darlene in telling the truth about abuse–It Is Not OK. I applaud you again in telling us about how our belief systems are formed. And last but not least I give you a standing ovation for having the love and good will, for humanity. To share your stories and rants and experiences. To shed a little light and truth and hope that we can change our belief systems and live a happy, productive and relational life.

39

Wow Jimmy,
Thank you so much for all this encouragement. Coming from you ~ Jimmy is my husband and one of my former oppressors ~ this is extra cool.
Thank you for being willing to listen to me. Thank you for your support. Thank you for doing all your share of this work, so that we can have the relational relationship that we have today!
Love Darlene

40

Love you too honey!! Keep up this important work. People can overcome and survive abuse–keep showing us the way.

41

So great having supportive husbands!! :o) I am so thankful for mine too! You guys make great points, as what makes me angry in Christian circles is the expectation to forgive and ‘forget’ – to move on, to suck it up. That because she’s my mother I should work at keeping her in my life which I totally agree with especially when she thinks she’s done nothing wrong.

I loved reading Steve’s teaching on what forgiveness is – true forgiveness is when the abuser comes to you to repent of their behavior and asks for forgiveness. By abuser has never done this. I have accepted that she’s abused me and I don’t wish retaliation on her. I get so angry when folks think I should be working toward a relationship with my mother simply because she’s my mother. It makes me angry and leaves me feeling frustrated. If I were to let her back in my life without dealing with all the crap, it would be like saying, as Jimmy said, it would be like saying the abuse was okay. And I too agree, NO ABUSE IS OKAY!! Not even a little bit!

42

Wow Darlene!
It is so amazing that you just posted this! I have just gone through this same thing. All along I have thought that the molestations and abuse were all part of God’s plan for my life and that He had it in my life for the reason to be able to help others with the same thing. It never really totally made sense to me, I would think, “if God plans this to happen to people to help others that it has happened to, why doesn’t He just stop it from ever happening and not put it in anyones plan for their life!”. It is a terrible cycle, but I truly believed and just accepted it.
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I was doing my personal Bible study for the day when I realized that was the farthest thing from the truth. God NEVER planned for that to happen to me. In fact, it actually hurt Him and grieved Him dearly when it did and also how it has affected my life. God hated that it happened, He did NOT plan it. It was sinful and sick people that did those things to me, it was man’s nature.
I had always struggled at understanding God’s love for me truly and that was exactly the reason why I struggled with it. I thought God planned for me to be molested and abused! If God really loved me He would never do that! I was right, because He didn’t do that. I now understand God’s love for me and how He wants to help me. It is so amazing to have this feeling now, it’s so wonderful I can’t hardly describe it. Thank you for your articles and for trying to help people get through these hard things that happen to innocent people.

43

@Jimmy B- I love your comments and agree with you 100%. Thanks for your post and for your support of your wife’s important work. I like when people tell it the way that it is and stop beating around the bush about these serious matters. This is when the healing starts – when we get to the truth of the matter and stop believing the lies.

Manuel

PS. I love your “french”.

44

Darlene and Jimmy….
You are both wonderful people and Thank you to Darlene for giving me hope and insight. Jimmy, Thank you for supporting a wonderful woman in her quest to help us all. He help and words of wisdom keep me going!

Amaryllis… I totally understand what you are going thru with your mother. I am going thru the same thing. Everyone tries to tell me that I should have a relationship with her and I find I am happier with out her. I am here for ya….

love and hugs
Corie

45

Hi Rebekah,
I am so glad that you broke free of that terrible cycle! I think that when we are taught the wrong things about God from a young age, it is really hard to change that ~ it has become our truth. And so many of us are taught this terrible fear of God, and that the fear is a good thing, like a respect thing. So we are afraid to go against what we think is the truth, in case God just strikes us down. When I looked at it from that perspective, it was really involved and complicated.
Thanks for your comment and for your encouragement too!
hugs, Darlene

Manuel,
Carelful with the “french” jokes… you do realize that “Ouimet” is a french name right?? LOL

Amaryllis and Corie
The mother stuff is a tough one for sure but no matter how it works out, (or doesn’t work out) there is freedom on the other side. The thing for me was that I made a decision to say no to invalidation and mistreatment. The tricky thing was to define that stuff first. I had been told all my life that I was NOT mistreated.. that I just exagerated or was too sensitive and that I was the problem. I believed it.. so I had to learn and believe what equality, respect and relationship really is before I felt really right about setting those boundaries with my mother and the rest of my family.

Thank you for all these comments! Darlene

46

People have to be responsible for their own actions. God gives us freedom but what we do with that freedom is completely our responsibility. If an abuser abuses, then it’s his fault or her fault. Whoever is responsible should be held responsible for the abuse. Do not feel responsible for what happened to you. You are not responsible. The abuser is responsible.

47

Thanks for the rant! Good stuff. People try to find meaning in things to make them make sense. Sometimes things don’t make sense at all. Abuse is one of them. If we feel healed by God, recovered so we can help others that is Gods plan…to heal. His original plan for us was tainted with Adam and eve when sin entered the world. His plan is not for us to be hurt but when we have been, he heals us so we can thumb our noses at the enemy of our souls and say “nice try!”.

48

Thank you Cory
Darlene is a wonderful, insightful and truth seeking woman. Darlenes’ heart is huge
Thanks to you too Manuel
Our job is to break the cycle of abuse and take responsibility for our own actions

49

Hi Gretchen,
Thanks for your comments! I like your expression “we can say to the enemy (of our soles or the enemy in our lives) “nice try”.
Hugs, Darlene

50

Darlene,

The answer to that question always seems to put me in a really crappy state of mind. It is so difficult always trying to understand or make sense of the horrific things that went on in our childhoods….I wonder sometimes if it is even worth asking….I know I am worth seeking truth but sometimes it seems the truth is simply that the people around us were horrible and that’s it. It had nothing to do with us.

51

Jenny,
I totally understand what you are saying here. I look at this a little bit differently now then I used to. It seems as though “it” isn’t worth asking when we have been wondering and asking for a long time. That is where I found myself when I was ready to give up. But how I see it today ~ because I am on the other side of broken now, completely different view from this side ~ is “IT” isn’t the issue, “I” am. The truth IS simply that the people around us didn’t take proper care of us, but knowing that didn’t set me free. Knowing that AND then knowing how my belief system developed as a result of it and then changing my belief system is what set me free. Most of it had nothing to do with me, but I am the only one who can change my life now.
Please don’t give up the pursuit Jenny. Nothing I have ever done in my life has been SO worth the effort!
Thanks for your comments!
Hugs, Darlene

52

I love the fact that you reply personally to each person Darlene and others. It is awesome to feel that someone has heard you and can relate to the seemingly never ending battle of identifying and changing your belief system. Thank you so much for the feedback and insight…truly amazing!!

53

Thank you!
I always helps when I get these kinds of encourageing comments! I try to answer all of them becasue as you affirm, it is so important for people to feel like they have been heard. These are sensitive subjects!
Hugs Darlene

54

I agree with you Darlene! No one is to blame but the person who made the choice to hurt us! I think blaming God is many peoples way of avoiding facing the ugly truth of the matter. That humans can be evil!
There are several Bible verses that I love to remind myself of when I hear comments like the one you discovered….one of them being: God is Love..our creator never does anything to cause us hurt! People forget that there is another evil spirit intensly at work called Satan who is out there encouraging evil! We all have choices to make and yes we can make our experiences drain us and give up or we can fight and come thru and still shine….

55

Hi Mandy,
Thanks for your comment! We do have a choice and there is hope for full recovery! For me I think that I was unaware that recovery was an option, but when I realized it was and when I woke up, I realized that thinking my abuse might ever be something that God let happen so I can do what I do today, WELL that is just crazy and I am not going to be grateful for it……. my life today however, I am very grateful for!
Hugs, Darlene

56

I love what you do Darlene!
And I agree with you on so many levels! I am just so thankful that we can choose to grow and heal…I don’t know if I have said this here before or not…I often visualize a tree that has been damaged in a storm…the tree is still alive and eventually over time it begins to grow over the damage and although it doesn’t look like your average tree anymore it is still beautiful and capable of growing and providing oxygen and life and even enjoyment or a place to rest…I personally don’t blame God for the things that have happened to me..I think that can make people bitter…I blame my abuser for his choice…and while I hate what he did, I am healing from the damage sustained and growing and am able to make different choices in my life because I found the courage to heal and be productive in my life again….just thinking out loud! Hugs back at ya!, Mandy

57

Mandy,
The expression that comes to my mind right now is “YOU GO GIRL!!” Yay! So great to hear from you again and to get this positive update! I love it! We can heal from the damage and we can grow and be happy and productive.
Thanks for coming back and sharing again!
Darlene

58

I’m glad to have read this post! I had to struggled with the teaching in many churches that the things we have endured is because God wanted us to. That its a part of our purpose. It’s like get rich off of your pain, build a life revolved around the hurt you endured. I don’t agree. I haven’t been to church in almost a year after being faithful for many years because the church can’t attack my issues of needing mental health assistance and recovery from CSA. They attempted ways to handle it, and some things helped but nothing could touch the soul. I was aching and I left the church and got better. I love that you took a stand on this. It encourages me to know that God doesn’t intend for bad things to happen to me….
Good post Darlene

59

Hi Sharonda,
Thanks for visiting and commenting on this post. (one of the most famous posts here on EFB! LOL)
I left the church and strangely got better too.. I “get it” more now. I told the pastor that I was a better Christian without the church.. and you know I still feel that way!
Hugs, Darlene

60

Darlene what you wrote I really enjoyed.
I have been told I was special child of God and that is why
I was abused because I was put here on earth to show others that we can be in a hell on earth and we can help others. I used to belive that for years. Now I have come to see that people have there own will God gave us free will. those abusers who abuse and rape and kill are using their own will. I do not belive in the devil or evil in the way some do. I belive we all have choice on how to live and we can choose are actions. We also can change are actions.
I do not understand why some of us are abused and why some of die from abuse. It is not my job to figure it out. I have come to see my life I had and all I can do now is live life to the fullest and the only way I can do that is to get honest and go within. I have found the most anger I have is with myself I am forgiving myself for all I have done or did not do. I mean some things are not my fault I was abused I was a child it is not my fault but what is my fault is what I do with it now. I have let the abuse own me take over my life. In my journey of healing I have come to see I do not have to let it take me over I am an adult now and it is not happening to me any more. Yes I get memories and I have to deal with them as they come. I write and share with others I pray and I do self talk to myself positive talk. Any way sorry for going on and on you brought so much up as I read your writing. Thanks you so much more to see and view in your writings.

61

Hi Angela,
Please feel free to share all you want. I welcome that here. I am glad that you liked this “rant” of mine. I struggled with self anger too, but I found that in time that also went away as a result of seeing the truth and seeing how my belief system formed as a result of the mistreatment in my life.
Thanks for being here! Darlene

62

It really makes me sad to see so many people who have been told this absurdity and by people that they trusted to help them and encourage their healing. I dont have much in the way of personal experience on this particular topic, because I never told anyone about my abuse until long after I had my own experience with soul searching about what I did and did not believe about God, and I didnt have any contact with the majority of my abusers after the fact…and only one of them had any religious connection to anything that I was a part of. So for me, it was never about God having a plan, or God allowing it or God “using” my abuse for something good for others….while I do believe that God has indeed helped me to learn and grow from my abuse and to use what I have learned to help others, I do not think it was “His purpose”. God made humans with free will, and that includes the will to abuse, rape, murder, beat, lie, cheat, steal, hate him (him being God), blame him, love him, love others, hate others, blame others for their irresponsibility, and a multitude of other things, every choice we have is OUR OWN, and while God knows those choices at the time of our birth, it is not “his plan” that we suffer, but He also does not go against his own decision to give humans free will so that we only do good and never bad. I feel like that God always wants us to love and honor others and be good to everyone, and that He is extremely saddened by the state of affairs in the world and all the pain and anger and violence that is happening at the hands of men, but to stop it completely would go against the entire premise of him being God to begin with, and violate our having free will and CHOOSING to be and do good people, and for God, allowing us to have the choice to do good and be good and make the conscious decision to worship him, and for him to show mercy on us all, in spite of our faults, and past behaviors and negative experiences like abuse, and to help us overcome this horrible treatment and still grow and thrive is the ultimate expression of his power as the Supreme being.

In Islam, the one purpose of humans (in the eyes of God) is to worship Him and be the best steward of His grace and mercy that we can, and unfortunately not every person (or every Muslim for that matter) follows through with that and does indeed respect and love others and do so only for the sake of pleasing God.

God doesnt love the abuser any more or less than the abuse victim, but He does not condone the sin of the abuse in any sense, but that doesnt mean he wont forgive the abuser if there is sincere desire to do good and be a better person, and in our limited human minds, we cant understand or accept that kind of love for someone who has done so much to hurt others, but that only reaffirms that Im not God and cant understand the depth of his love and mercy for all mankind, including me.

So it doesnt make any sense to me to be mad at God, or blame God, or even connect my abuse to God at all, because its not a “God” problem, its a “human” problem…so I blame society and the people who created the culture that allows abuse and looks the other way and doesnt stand up and fight for each and every person that cant fight for themselves, regardless of social status, race, religion, age, disability, weight, height, gender, sexual orientation, any of it.

Its something WE have to change, and yes, God could change it, but he would have to revamp the entire premise of human existence to do so, and He already has the angels who do whatever He tells them and never question or do things against what God intends, so why does He want to do that with humans too? How is that giving testament to His power as the Supreme Creator in the same way that millions of abuse victims who still love and believe in Him and treat others well and help people and love and love and love and love even after being treated like shit for their entire lives? How does that bring any glory to God? It doesnt.

So I cant fault God for my abuse, I can only fault man, and do what I can to be a better person and make sure i dont allow the abuse to continue in my life or in the lives of anyone I have the ability to influence….and that shows the power of God more than anything else I know.

63

Hi Amira,
great points! I think that the reason people blame God in the first place is due to the false teachings that we are taught. (spiritual abuse factors in here) We are not taught the truth about God in the first place, and then it is almost natural to blame God for abuse or whatever we suffer. We are not taught the truth in the first place in my opinion, because that would make us equally valuable to the people teaching us who want control over us. and round and round it goes.
Thanks for visiting this older post!
Hugs, Darlene

64

Part of what has helped this abuse to exist is the very nature of being isolated. We were all seperate entities for a long time what was established as acceptable to one group of humans varied from other groups and each did not know of the other. Now with the computer age facilicating communications across the spectrum acceptable unacceptable adjustments follow the flow of information. A sickness that was thought to be rare is found to be widespread thus the need for controls. Many times we do not know what goes on behind closed doors next door to our house. But if we know that 1 in 6 males are abused and 1 in 4 females are abused the likelyhood of a group of 100 people containing 20 individuals who know all about abuse is great and this possibly means that every 5 th house has had this activity take place within behind those doors. This is a new realisation for many people and more are finding out every day and this results in addressing this issue more efficiently.

65

For those of you that subscribe to comments, I have removed the comment about the behaviour patterns of certain primates. We are not primates and it is very damaging to tell survivors to try and accept or even understand the things posted in that comment. There IS no excuse for abuse. I do not allow comments that seek to justify it in any way or that compare human behaviour to animal instinct.

The very few abusers that do not have self control, abuse right out in public. The fact that they go to great lengths to hide it, proves that they know what they are doing is in fact wrong. Primates on the other hand do not hide anything from the rest of their society.
I am very sorry if the deleted comment has offended or caused harm to anyone.
Darlene

66

It’s interesting to see how this post has stayed alive for months! I bought the lie too. My first therapist told me in a kind and generous way that I survived this pain and suffering for a purpose. She meant well and saved me at the time. I have since come to believe what Darlene so eloquently shares in her essay. There are many other ways to build character and strength than to experience abuse. My mother and step-father dabbled in reincarnation when I was a teen. They believed that they (the untrained amateurs of pseudo-psychiatry) could go into a “trance” and read past lives. They told me that I had Karma to work out with my father, and that’s why he tortured me. In other words, it was up to me to determine what past mistakes I made, to find the vehicle re: my father to correct them, and to be grateful for the opportunity. Talk about spiritual abuse. Yes, I am choosing to share my experiences to let others know they are not alone. However, I would certainly have preferred other methods of achieving a life purpose.

67

I bought into it too and the damaging thing for me was. Well If I suppose that the abuse was meant to happen to me then accepting this as truth meant that my perpetrator was right to do what he did to me.That was a real sticking point for me trying to believe it was supposed to happen to me and that it was a gift for me to cherish, being abused. Then I would also have to surmise that all the time I spent in my life being self destructive was for my beinfit also. Now when I hear the it was meant to be, I cringe and feel frustrated that people actually believe better people are made by such trauma. The perp would want me to believe what he did was right, I just don’t buy it like I used to.

68

Exactly Edward,
It is a load of bull; none of this was meant to be. I think that people say things without thinking about what they are saying. I think that those people are in a fog too. I am glad that I’m not in that fog anymore!
Hugs, Darlene

69

Hi Lynn,
This is a horrific account of abuse! I am shocked and sickened by that kind of manipulative justification. WOW.
I am so glad that you are shareing your life with others ~ this kind of sharing and community is going to change the world as we know it!
Hugs, Darlene

70

Darlene, thank you so much for sending out an email to call attention to this particular post. I REALLY NEEDED to read this. I agree with everything you say in this rant, 1,000%.

As I told you, on the first of January, 2011, I made a New Year’s resolution to read through your entire blog, comments and all, starting at the very beginning of your blog. But I’ve been so busy just trying to keep up with what is currently being written and commented, that I haven’t been able to do it. SO, another New Yesr’s Resolution bites the dust.

I still hope to go back and read more of your earlier blog posts and their comments when I can, though. I always get so much out of what I read on your blog pages.

I have a crazy twist to the “It happened because it was God’s will” nonsense. In February 2006, my baby grandson, Kyle, died at birth. He was a perfectly healthy boy, eagerly awaited and already deeply loved. He made it to full-term, despite some early problems in my daughter-in-law’s pregnancy. But then, the unbilical cord wrapped around Kyle’s neck and strangled him to death as he was being born.

TRAGIC beyond words. I SCREAMED, my grief for my poor little grandson who would never get to live a single day of his life, was so intense. I SCREAMED, for the heartbreaking agony my own son was going through, losing his only child on what should have been the joyful day of his birth.

After the very sad funernal, my son’s stepmother, a fanatically religious woman, who had been struggling with the unaswerable “WHY” question, announced to the family that God had spoken to her and told her why Kyle died. “It was to prevent him from being abused,” she told my son, Kyle’s father. “God knew that if Kyle had lived, he would have gone through some horrible abuse. So, in God’s mercy, he took Kyle home.”

My son was OUTRAGED. He called me in tears. “MOM!” he cried. “Could this be true? Did God take my son away from me because he thought I wouldn’t be able to protect him from being abused?”

I did my best to assure my son that, in my strongest opinion, GOD had NOTHING to do with Kyle’s death. If anything, I told him, God was weeping with us while we mourned, just as Jesus wept at Lazarus’ grave.

“What happened to our sweet Kyle was a tragic accident, the result of living in a world where both people, AND nature, have a free will,” I told my son. “If God, in his mercy, decided to kill all of the babies that he knew might be abused if they were allowed to live, then I certainly would not have lived, and many multiples of thousands of other people in the world would not have lived.”

…..All I can do is shake my head in disbelief, that my son’s stepmother would tell him such a crazy thing ~ and actually believe it’s the truth!

The bottom line, I think, is that people are so afraid of the unknown, they would rather believe in a farfetched lie than to admit, “I don’t know why that happened.” People are also afraid of accepting the hard reality that life really is unfair, very unpredictable, and mostly out of our control. People don’t want to believe that, in many cases, really bad things can, and DO, happen to really good and innocent people, for no reason other than it Just Happened. People want to believe in a magically charmed way of life, they want to believe that if they are good enough, and if they say the right prayers, and go to the right church, and partake in the proper rituals, then they and their loved ones will be abudantly blessed, and virtually invincible.

When something really horrible happens that challenges their magical rub-the-lucky-rabbit-foot or rosary-charm beliefs, they can’t take it. If an innocent baby can die like that, despite all the prayers I have been praying for him to be born healthy and strong… then something really awful could happen to ME, too, depsite all my prayers for protection and all my many good works!

Life is scary sometimes, like riding on a roller coaster with no safety harness. THAT’S the reality. But most people don’t have the courage to face that harsh reality. So they twist their brains into a knot until they have come up with some answer that makes every bad thing that ever happens, all a part of “God’s will,” intended for his ultimate good purpose, working all things together for our good… which we mortals are just too ignorant yet to see, but we will understand how all the bad things were really for our own good, “someday.”

ULTIMATELY, this kind of thinking leads to: Blame The Victim. If God allowed it to happen to you, then you must have, in some way, deserved it. At the very least, you needed to go through your horrors in order to learn a very important lesson that you are too stubborn or sinful or ignorant to learn in any other way.

And, I needed to be abused so I could comfort others who have been abused? What that tells me is that, once again, I am not as important, as those OTHERS who need my comfort.

NO. That is NOT REALITY as I understand it.

Lynda

71

Lynda and Everyone ~
Lynda is talking about getting this notification through the auto responder, which is a series of emails and updates mailed to your inbox. If you would like to recieve these emails, enter your email address at the little form on the upper right side of the site where it says “get updates” I have not been sending regular updates lately, but it is on my list to get back to that. When you sign up however, there will be an autoresponder series of emails that comes to your inbox regularly for several months, Plus you will be able to get the latest news when I send it!
When you sign up for updates, don’t forget to confirm your subscription. Look for the confirmation email and follow the instructions in it. If you don’t confirm your request, I can’t add you to the data base.
Thanks everyone!
Hugs, Darlene

72

Hi Lynda
I have heard similar stories about people telling other people that kids have died in order to save them for some tragic fate…. what a crock of crap. WOW. Thanks for sharing.

About your New Years Resolution ~ I am about to publish an e-book and it is going to include most of my blog posts; re ordered and cleaned up a bit. You might find it easier to read it that way and you will have the option to go to the actual blog to read the comments, or not.
Hugs, Darlene

73
Lynda ~ Coming Out Of The cRaZy Closet
April 29th, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Darlene ~ thank you so much for your comment about the “God’s will” rational for my grandson’s death to save him to save him from a lifetime of abuse being “a crock of crap.” Losing the grandson that my husband and I were prepared to raise ourselves, due to serious health and relationship problems with my son and daughter-in-law, was the most heartbreaking experience. But to be told that it was Gods’ doing… whew. Maddening. I believe my son’s stepmother meant well, but I also believe she was way off the mark. She’s the type who has to believe that God is orchestrating every little detail for our ultimate good, and that nothing in our lives happens by accident, or worse, by evil design (ie, as in abuse). I do understand her thinking that way, because when I was much younger, I went to a church which taught that. But then, real-life reality hit me between the eyes, and my theology had to either grow up, or crumble.

I CAN’T WAIT for your e-book. It will go to the very top of my “Got To Buy It” list! ((HUG))

Lynda

74
Melanie Gillon
May 8th, 2011 at 9:22 am

The truth is that abuse is not useful in any way what so ever. Not for the abused, the abuser nor for God’s plan. It is not meant to be and I believe the only reason it occurs is pure evil. Oh yes, there are “excuses”, more like evil handed down through the ages. The only thing that comes of it is death, survival and/or varying degrees of recovery (or not) which are not ever fully successful. Just my opinion!

75

Melanie!
I agree with you that abuse is never never useful and really only does damage!
Glad you are here, thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

76

Darlene, Thank you so much for this site which is so helpful.
I hear in the Christian circles a variation, which is immediately to go to “You have a ministry now” when I have said I was sexually abused. I was in the early phase of starting to disclose my abuses and was in no way in any shape to “minister” to others. People who haven’t been through abuse are very uncomfortable, and may be well meaning but are misguided, and not aware they are jumping over numerous parts of the healing process. Thank you for your site which helps me fine tune my own thinking and opinions and thus heal. I have had these thoughts bump around in my head and have known something wasn’t quite right, but until this format was made available just couldn’t get past the blocks. Thank you again! Emily

77

Hi Emily,
When you think about it, when someone states that they have been sexually abused, being told they have a ministry is ODD. Like what??
I am so happy that you are sorting things out. My goal for this blog has been to show how I sorted it out, so that others could too. I makes my day when I know that my blog is having the desired effect! yay.
Hugs, Darlene

78

Seriously,i just got a wake up call.

79

Hi Yvonne
I hope that is a good thing!
Hugs, Darlene

80

Darlene, I have a different take on this…I don’t think God is mean and puts us through suffering so the we can help others who He’s mean to also. I believe that human beings do evil things to one another because they have evil in their hearts and they act upon it. God allows us free will and I’m thankful for that because I wouldn’t like being a robot. I’m thankful even if that means I have to go through a lot of evil. I also believe that God’s creation was perfect and made to last eternally until Eve and then Adam sinned by wanting to be like God. Sin came with the penalty of death because there had to be a limit to how long people could live thinking they were like God while doing evil things to one another. Death entered the entire creation through sin. I believe that God is working to correct this situation without taking away our freedom to choose. The book of Job says that God allows us to go through bad times so that we will turn back to Him. I raised my teenagers that way. When they were stubborn I gave them just enough rope to hang themselves so that they would realize why I taught them what I taught them. I have gone through all kinds of evil in my life. Things that the evil one meant for my destruction but I’m not destroyed. I’m closer to God than ever. Some of the bad things I’ve gone through have never been used to help anyone else but I do have a huge well of empathy for others because of them. I’ve had a lot of lemons in my life and I could choose to be very sour about life, I have reasons and I have that privelege. I prefer squeezing those lemons into lemonade so that I can refresh others who are still suffering as I was.

Spiritual things are hard to discuss so people develop code words and listen for those words in others. It’s silly because none of us can have exactly the same understanding of God that another has. None of us can comprehend the full mind of God. We each have our own portion to know and God is the one who gives it to us. When I discuss my faith, I try as much as possible to use my own words or the exact words of the Bible to try and prevent confusion but it doesn’t work really. None of us even understand the same words the same way. Our communication is always imperfect. I try always, to listen to what others say their relationship with God is because they know and I don’t. When I share my faith with them, I may add a bit to what they know but I will never be able to change them and make them believe like me. They will grow at their pace and me at mine. I don’t take code words of faith very seriously but I do try to discern the intent behind them. I know people are often hurt or confused by some of the traditional things people say. I think that is because those code words get used in so many different ways for different purposes, some good and some evil. They have been used for so long that they trigger many different responses in people and their true expression was forgotten long ago.

God is not mean to me. Quite a few people have been. God doesn’t want me to suffer from disease. I live in a world ruled by death and it is unavoidable. My belief in God doesn’t spare me any suffering, my suffering is common. However, I do have Jesus here with me in the firey furnace and one day, I’ll emmerge unscathed. In the meantime, I share my hurts to comfort and encourage others just as you do.:0)My sister who fights windmills like me!

81

Good rant! Another phrase I despise is, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” another way of making abuse sound like something that is GOOD for you. I’ve seen plenty of times that many things that don’t kill outright can weaken or diminish a person, and this is not the victim’s fault. I also know a number of New Age people, and in addition to the “it’s your karma” line, they also love to throw in that bit about how you invited abuse into your life by negative thinking. A small child, really? I think this is another misinterpretation of “reaping what you sow.”

82

One more thing that I need some clarification on, Darlene. I didn’t see the post about comparing our behavior to other primates, but I’m sure that if you removed it, there was a good reason. Even among different species of apes and monkeys, there are widely different patterns of behavior, so I would never expect human behavior to be based on what another animal might do. But in your post about it you said that we are not primates, but humans are a primate species. Many animals are capable of loving and compassionate behavior as well as hurtful behavior. Heck, humans are the only animal that goes to war against its own kind.

83

Hi Sophia
Most of my rant posts are inspired by phrases like that! They hint that in the long run you should be grateful for having been abused like it made you a better person. YUCK.
Thanks for your comments
Hugs, Darlene

84

Another post I relate to thankyou, so many odd things people say in reaction to the abuse we have suffered as children. And some are very cruel and completely inappropriate.

85

Hi Beverly
Yes, odd indeed!
Hugs, Darlene

86

Hello Darlene It would litrally take the book I so need to write to fully respond to this most profound question. WHY ME ?

This is something my mind ask’s every second of my life. I just cant quite comprehend all the bad thing’s that has happened to me.

On my life journey I found the most amazing Chaplin. we had many a chat to help make sense of what was going on in my life. He said some very special words to me (For every action there will be a reaction). Einsteine I do believe. When I heard these word’s it was like an ”EURICA MOMENT”For me I could interperate these word’s with every action I have encountered and each and every reaction I and others had to others action’s. it gave my mind focus to help try and make sense of ”WHY ME”). And there was (The Inhumanity of Humanity).

It seem’s to me I was born unlucky. being in the wrong family in the wrong street in the wrong town among the wrong people at the wrong time many many times over. and I sure on many occassion’s had the wrong reaction to many an ause. At my first infant school for instance I came out alone as usual witnessed a croud milling around the police putting a dead body in to a van. as I stood alone reciting the 10 commandment’s I suddenly felt different such was my pain at this early age I felt like an alien our was I Jesus being tested by a God I did not even believe in. even now I’m wondering if a higher being is going to wake me up and say it’s O.K. Paul your test is over. you have proven mankind can endure many an abuse and still have Humanity to survive it.

Darlene Obviously I hope My tiny little body and very young mind had no ability to comprehend the real life multiple abuses I was enduring so my mind tried desperately to avoid the real abuses and go in to it’s own little world of make believe. withdrawn from the whole world just as I am now in body. Desperately hiding from the next abuse awaiting me in the real world. The Inhumanity of many a Human.

For now My reaction is to hide from this Inhumanity, while remotely seeking out Humanity the kind that does not hurt me no more.

P.S. I believe I developed the symptoms of Bipolar that day. another reaction to adverse life event’s that were beyond my comprehension.

With Care.

87

Hi everyone!
Although I’ve never really been plagued with the “why me” question, I have heard this response in Christian circles before. I was never physically or sexually abused, so perhaps that’s the reason I didn’t wonder “why me”. Also, anytime my mother’s abuse was pointed directly AT me, I didn’t have to ask “why me”. I already knew. It was because I was a total F**K up!! She made that clear.

In uncovering the ways of my mother’s abuse, I realized she was doing it to my sisters too; many people really. Emotional abuse, triangulation, lies, manipulation, etc. Instead of really wondering “why me”, I wonder…. “what the hell is wrong with my mother?” Now, my work comes in reversing all the crap she fed me and beginning to love myself… what a mountain to climb there!!

When all of my mother’s crap was revealed, it happened simultaneously with my two sisters. It happened as a result of us comparing notes, and although I was the black sheep for many many years, when my sisters and I got together, I realized I wasn’t the only one who never got any affection or love, praise, compliments, encouragement, etc. I realized her belief that all she had to do was provide a roof, clothing, and food, is the way she raised my sisters as well. Even the golden child. With that information, I realized it wasn’t just me; I never really wondered “why me”, because it was all three of us. And, like I said, when it came to the brutality of being the scapegoat, I didn’t have to wonder. I already knew it was because I was crap.

The biggest question for me re: God is, what do I do with this information now that it’s been brought to light. How does He want me to handle it? What constitutes “honor” toward my mother? Is He okay with me not having a relationship with her? In my belief, it is God who orchestrated the discoveries about my mother. Now what?? These questions continue to linger, but I’ve taken things one day at a time and allowed them to unfold without much planning. I have planned many things in the recent past, and never felt led to follow through. So, I stopped planning. I handle an event when it arises without trying to predict what I should be doing about this crazy and very strained relationship.
Peace and love,
Mimi

88

Mimi
I had all those same questions for years. (and I got really stuck there) Today I have found many bible vs. that answer those questions for me. Christ said not to let anyone get in the way of following him. Why would parents be exempt from that? I could talk for hours about this… What is honour? How does it honour my mother if I enable her to abuse me? Is she really happy not knowing true relationship and only knowing the system of power over? Christ preached (taught) the original message of equal value. These are all the things I considered when I realized that at the base of even the things I had learned from the bible, all were put through my original false definition of love and that definition of love had to be set straight before the rest became clear.
Hugs, Darlene

89

The part I struggle with is that if my abuse over 36 years at the hands of my parents and several “partners” wasn’t part of God’s plan…then why didn’t He stop it? Why didn’t He bring loving people in to my life to help me out of that nightmare when I was an infant/toddler? Why didn’t He prompt my teachers to listen to me each time I reported what my mother was doing to me as a child? Why didn’t He prevent me from bringing 4 beautiful children in to this world so they wouldn’t have to suffer at the hands of abusive fathers?

Why…Why…Why.

90

Hi Kel
Welcome to emerging from broken. I came to understand that abuse has nothing to do with “God’s choice” and that he gave man free will. I think that God is broken hearted that people choose to use their free will in this way. I am so sorry that all of this abuse happened to you. I am glad that you are here.
Hugs, Darlene

91

Kel W,
I have heard your questions before by hurting people. It’s not something that has plagued my mind personally, but I know lots of people suffer in many different ways and wonder why God didn’t stop it. In my own mind I feel like we live in a fallen world, and like Darlene said, we were given free will. Adam and Eve abused the freedom and set the stage for what we now know as sin, and sinful human nature.

One thing I don’t understand, is why God allows kids to suffer in pain from cancer and the like. Something that no human gave the child, or inflicted upon the child. I don’t know the answer. Sometimes I wonder if it’s allowed by God, in order to transform the parents or other close people. Would He really go that far to save the souls of loved ones? Then I’m reminded that I simply don’t have the answer.

I hope you feel some measure peace in your heart soon. It IS painful to go through all you’ve been through. I hope you come back here and let it all out!!
With hope,
Mimi

92

Seriously, that is such sick thinking. Especially from someone who has no idea what they are talking about. I mean really! Not even a strong Christian, if they knew anything about God, would say that about abuse! First of all it is not “in” God to PLAN ill will to anyone! People seem to forget that once God set the world into motion he gave us freewill unlike the Angels. He wanted people to love and worship him because they wanted to not because he “willed” them to. One must also remember that because of that freewill we are no born with a “sinful” nature having to search for God and accept the redemption he has provided us through His Son Jesus Christ. Now, put all this knowledge together and you will come up with why abuse happens. Because people are inherently evil and if they do not give themselves to Christ “they have not the Love of the Father in them”. They will do evil things and that’s EXACTLY what abuse is. It is an evil act against any living thing be it animal or human being. Whey did it happen to “me”. Cause the people whom I lived with saw fit to live like that and I was caught in the crossfire. Pretty simple really. Doesn’t have anything to do with it being God’s will that I suffered.
However, what I choose to do with that experience, that’s a whole different story. God’s grace is sufficient for me! His LOVE can help me live a full life after such an experience. It’s what I choose to do that either makes me or breaks me, am I Victor or Victim?
What causes me such deep grief is that the best meaning Christians so easily make these hurtful comments about “God’s Will” without ever truly checking out the logistics of the entire concept of God’s Will, God’s Love, & how He’s set it up in His world of FreeWill!!!!!

93

My only comment is that I don’t believe that God had anything to do with my being abused. I do believe, however, that with my Faith,healing and the therapy I have received, I have made a choice to use my experiences to help others, and only if I choose to do it.

I don’t blame God and I don’t blame anyone. Forgiveness is not easy and I have my days when those memories haunt me. I have chosen to be grateful everyday for what I have and not to focus on the negative. Life is too short.

94

Hi Dawn
I don’t believe that God had anything to do with my being abused either. I do place the blame for my abuse on those who abused me. Doing that has been a major part of my recovery and enabled to let go of the negative and live a full and amazing life today and has made gratitude so much easier too!
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

95

I agree with this article, and it reminds me of the saying that goes something like “the best students get the hardests test” when referring to coping with past child abuse. Says who? Maybe I’m just bitter, and I know I have a really long way to go in my recovery, but I found this just as patronizing and insulting.

96

Also, I am not religious (just open minded), and I understand the context of free will and not blaming God for child abuse. If we didn’t have free will, life would be a giant communist world of not thinking for ourselves. We all have the freedom as human beings to choose what we what to do with our own lives and deal with the consequenses of our choices, good or bad. My abusers chose to abuse me, not God, or a God, or some supernatural being, it was humans, almost evil human beings, who chose to be that way in their own fears and hatred. It is also my choice to learn from it, to move on, or stay perpetually angry about it.

I think I needed to write that, thank you 🙂

97

Hi Alice!
Thank you for your comments! I think that we have a right to be bitter for a while. We were abused as powerless children. I think that validating that point is the biggest thing that helped me to move forward. I had to give myself permission to be hurt, bitter, angry, etc. before I could overcome!
Hugs, Darlene

98

Yes. It is easy for me to blame myself, and feel guilty for my warrented feelings. My abusers raised me to believe that I had to right to my emotions or feelings (among others things). I have a lot of trauma and anger to work through, letting myself do it seems to be the hardest part. Thank you for the support.

99

Darlene,
The rant and all comments were very interesting. Thank you for
pointingme there. I have never thought why did this happen to me?
I was taught never to question. I have always known even very
young maybe 6 yrs that my father was an angry violent demanding
controling man. I had to accept everything without question. Also
there was no talking about abuse to anyone. So I see clearly
who did this to me and knowing his upbringing by my nasty evil
grandparents I know why. So thats straight with me. My sticking
point is/was … why for 40 more years did I try to get my parents approval?
I now understand the obedience and compliance brainwashing
but it still makes me feel very stupid.
He was a devoted Catholic. Went to church every sunday then
went home and beat his wife and children. He MADE me be
a good Catholic girl and forced it on me. It was all fake and
for appearances. I never blamed God but it turned me off
church for years. It was made part of my false system. Lynda’s
story made me cry and I felt very angry thoughts of the
step mom who said such things to the son about the babys death.
Because of all the fake holier than thou behavior in my family that
would never wash with me. I guess my upbringing gives me that insight.
Thanks again for sharing your life here. Its made a difference for me
already. Karen Ranes

100

Karen,
You are not alone. My sisters and I, all in our 40s, just discovering all the “crap” in our immediate family. And, we have each said how stupid we feel for buying into it for so many years. For me it was because I loved my mom. She also designed it from birth such that we would never question her integrity or motives. She is very sneaky. And, of course, we wanted to believe she loved us. She did provide food, clothing, warm beds. That’s it. When you know nothing else, it’s what you think is love. That’s been my experience with uncovering the truth in my mother anyway. The spiritual abuse ~ I think it’s rampant. People go and smile, pretend, act loving…. then curse others who cut them off on the way home, fight with family members, abuse, etc. It stinks!! i recognize it more readily all the time, and that’s a double edged sword.

Hope you find as much insight here as I have.
Peace and hope,
Mimi

101

Hi Karen
I am so glad that this is making a difference for you! That is my entire motivation for having this website; to make a difference.
Hugs, Darlene

102

Great post darlene! I was actually once told once that in a past life I must of been an abuser and I was now getting payback…what a sick statement.

103

Hi Kimberly!
WOW. I have heard similar things like that but never one that disgusting! What a sick belief that is!
Hugs, Darlene

104

Because of the dysfunction in my family, my siblings and I have had a very difficult time getting along. Both parents are deceased and have been for some time now. It felt as though we were orphaned. I am the only one who decided to seek therapy because I wanted to deal with my past abuse and learn to live a happy and fulfilling life. For years I endured verbal assaults from my sister who is 3 years younger than I. She was cruel to me and my children. We never knew when she was going to rage. I was very weak and could not fight back. If I tried to speak during one of her rages, she would stop me and make me feel that I was the worst person on this earth. Everyone feels sorry for her because my father beat her, etc. She has used her abuse to become very manipulative and hateful, especially toward me and my children.

We recently started having a sister relationship that lasted for about two years. She brought up an issue from the past so I told her why it happened. The anger that I thought was gone in her spewed out into self pity and blame. She is angry with me now and has blown me off. She says I live in the past and she does not want to talk about it. I was very kind to her and did not raise my voice. I thought it was a good opportunity to talk about it, since she kept bringing it up. It has to be on her terms only.

I took this opportunity to be thankful that I reconnected with her. I finally saw the truth that I just could not face before. In a lot of ways she is still the same person and refuses to take responsibility for her feelings and actions. She wants to sugar coat everything and pretend nothing happened. I walked away a stronger and better person knowing that I don’t have to take her abuse anymore and that I did try to work on our relationship.

I’m realizing now that some times your friends and other relatives can take the place of that longing I so wanted for my brothers and sister. I can now accept that dark side of my sister and realize it’s not me anymore. I tried and it didn’t work for me.

Thank you Darlene for having this blog. It feels good to write this.

105

Hi Dawn
Yes exactly, and I found out that I could fill that longing for myself. I could fill the void. It it a tough road but it really is worth it.
And yes, it does feel good to get it out!
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

106

I don’t believe God would ever want any of His children to suffer in any way…but when we do..I believe He is there to help bring us through it. If I didn’t have His words teaching me how to forgive I would still be all consumed by the anger of my abuse…I was at that point..consumed with the why me? what had I done to deserve this over and over again..The negativity was like a slow death.. That only destroys me ..noone else..I was helping satan to defeat me..what sense did that make? if it weren’t for Him, we wouldn’t have the people in our lives that He has given us to lean on and share with..just like this blog..helping each other get through the tragedies life can bring. God hurts when we hurt..and has showed me many times that He is with me and will help see me through the storms. Is God to blame for my heartaches..NO…He is who picked me up and gave me strength and courage to face the next one. I certainly couldn’t have made it through all of this on my own. He carried me. Have I been angry about what I have been through..you bet..but God has helped release the anger..release me from the bondage that satan would like to keep me in to make me feel unloved,and uncared for…God reached out His hand to me..and shouted I LOVE YOU. We are all imperfect people..my sins are no less or greater than those that hurt me..if I can reach into the hardest places to forgive the most hurtful scarring things and let God have control of those damaging wounds..it has two positive effects..first..I relinquish the control satan has over me..taking away all the negativity and freeing me to live a much happier life..and second..giving me the knowledge that if I can’t forgive those who have sinned..how can I expect God to forgive me of my own. This doesn’t mean to stay in relationships with those who are hurting you..it just means to try to not carry it with you when you go..give it to God. It wasn’t an easy step to take ..by any means..when my life seemed so out of control…the last thing I wanted to do was give up control..but the second I did..when I reached the point of not knowing how to handle another heartache..God spoke to me somehow..and I laid it down at His feet..and I have never felt more love and more free from it all. God never intended for any of us to hurt this way..but He WILL ease the pain. Much love to you all.