What We Hear when People Suggest that our Expectations are Too HighBy
“Could the cause of most of our problems be that we live with expectations? Live without expectations and accept things for what they are? No expectations, no disappointments.”
Lets talk about this.
This brought up so many things for me and it isn’t the first time I’ve been told that my expectations were the root of the problem… “my problem”.
The first thing that came to my mind was the child, (and not just ‘the child’ but the child who was ME) who is abused, molested, discounted, shamed, hit, blamed, neglected, … is being told that he or she should not have ever expected to be loved, cherished, nurtured, respected, protected and taken care of.
Is this person suggesting that “Most of my problem” is that I wanted to be loved……….??
Then I thought about how this is the same ‘self -blame’ that I talk about all the time; if only I had never expected to be loved, then I wouldn’t have been disappointed.
This directive suggests that asking for simple respect and regard is expecting too much.
And what about the part that directs us to “accept things for what they are”. It’s interesting to me that this writer didn’t realize that accepting things as they really are is exactly what this blog is about; the difficulty is that actually ‘doing’ it is not nearly as easy or simple as it sounds and we are NOT trying to accept that our expectations are too high in the first place because they aren’t. Here is a tiny list of the things that I accepted for what they are which resulted in the freedom I enjoy today;
I accepted that my family was abusive.
I accepted that they were not going to listen to me.
I accepted that based on results, they were not going to change.
I accepted that even if I left, they were not going to care.
I accepted that in their view, the problem was me.
I accepted that the problem was never me.
I don’t expect them to change. I am not asking them to change. I am not asking them to hear me anymore because I tried that for YEARS and it didn’t happen.
The truth is that I simply decided that I was not going to be treated like that anymore.
This person asks “Could the cause of most of our problems be………” and this statement suggests that we cause our own problems. And we hear “We ARE the cause of most of our problems” and we try to accept that because it is the same brainwashing that has been crammed down our throats since we were kids. It is the grooming process that caused us to fill with shame and self-blame in the first place. It is familiar and exactly what we were accustomed to ~ but NOT ANYMORE.
And the final comment in the short question/suggestion is “No expectations, No disappointments”.
What kind of suggestion is that? Seriously! What the heck does that even mean and tell me HOW that would be done and why having no expectations is an example of high self-esteem and healthy self-worth? It sounds like ‘giving up’ to me. It sounds like accepting the way abusive people treated me. I tried that for over 40 years and it didn’t get me anywhere good.
Here is my question to the person who sent me this;
How did you happen to land on my blog? What were you looking for when you landed on my article “Inspirational Quotes that Cause Harm”
I want to know you feel the need to leave these judgemental and directive comments because that is how you have survived all these years from the ways that you have been devalued and disrespected and you need to tell me that the truthful answer to these questions we have is so painful that you would be happier if I would just stop telling it. And I want to tell you that the truth IS the answer, not the problem.
I want to know if he lays in the dark at night wishing his life were different, trying to console himself by reprimanding himself by telling himself “the problem is that your expectations are too high… the problem is you”..
And I want to tell him that his expectations are not the problem. It isn’t what is wrong with you, it’s what happened to you – that is the problem.
And most of all, and this might be a little bit of a dig but what the hell ~ I want to know if he even read the article that he is commenting on.
What do you think? How did this question/comment/directive make you feel?
Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time,
Related Posts ~ The Problem with Statements like “Get Over It”
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