To Confront or not to Confront; that is the Question

I thought it would be unusual for me to be the first one to comment on my own post… LOL but almost as soon as I pressed the publish button I had an additional thought! What kind of message are we giving to someone if we stay in relationship with them, but don’t ever say anything about the abuse? (and I am talking about ANY kind of abuse here) As long as I didn’t say anything to my mother, father, husband, mother and father in law……. (you get the picture) but continued to see them, I was communicating that I was OKAY with the way that they treated me. And as I came out of the fog, but didn’t draw boundaries, nothing changed!
And what about sexual abusers? When we are adults and we remember that happened, are we communicating to that person that “your secret is safe with me?” YUCK. Are we communicating that we won’t protect them from other children? I am not saying we HAVE to confront, I am just saying, when we stay in relationship without confronting, what are we communicating.

Great food for thought.

Hugs, Darlene

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I relate to your post, Darlene. Even in therapy today, I was talking about how much, not only my mother, but my father as well made me the parent! I’m not the parent of my parents or my siblings and I have refused to let them put me in the position of having to fix everything.

I know my mother knows what she did to me too – but she denies it which is no surprise because she is a professional liar. And as long as she denies it, she can keep the wool pulled over my father’s eyes and my sibling’s eyes.

I too was deathly afraid of my mother as I was taught that to confront my mother or disagree with her, it was construed as disrespect – talk about a warped idea of what disrespect is!! I think I still might fear her – but it is slowly dissipating because now there is no chance of her ever being in my life again. I don’t care to be ridiculed, humiliated, degraded, shamed, or rejected and hated by her anymore … and I certainly don’t care to have relationships with family who care more about not rippling the water where my mother is concerned instead of sticking up for me who was abused by her. Talk about dysfunction.

Great, great post, Darlene!!

Another great post Darlene, and so much like what I went through this spring and over the winter with my family. Setting boundaries, hearing fourteenth hand that my speaking out, my writing, was bothering people in my family. So when I responded that it was about ME and MY healing, not THEM…but then with the door open I asked the question that was weighing on me: if you knew today something abusive was happening to your grandchildren would your response be different from when you knew it was your child or not?

You know what I got for an answer to that…NOTHING! An email listing the conditions for our relationship. As if…that one got ignored.

When I said what I knew, and wouldn’t be talked out of it, bullied or convinced I was wrong (this happened lots) then the playing field got dangerous for them. I knew things, and I wasn’t going to be pressured into not healing.

One of my cousins sent me a ‘helpful’ email listing all the reasons children NEVER really remember abuse, but ALWAYS suffer from implanted false memories. I just about laughed, but couldn’t because I was crying. I LIVED it! I was in it all the way through to the healing side.

I did attempt a number of times to confront the abusers I could – with varying degrees of success and closure. The hardest have been family because control, spin doctoring and denial are such strong pulls for them. It is insane to me that a simple acknowledgement and some healing could be accomplished but instead they would rather be cut off from us because they don’t see any reason to change, and all the reasons in the world that I am wrong for growing, healing and changing.

Oh and your comment – you are so right. When we try to maintain a relationship it’s like trying to communicate through a mask or a muzzle – it doesn’t work.

Thanks for this Darlene, it helped me determine what to blog about tonight on Scarred Seeker. Bright blessings…Shanyn

Dear Darlene

I feel deeply your emotions that are in every word you wrote and I still have some memories that are unclear there is several years I cannot pull to my mind which tells me something happened there. IT was during the time we were taken away.. I never would have had courage to confront my mom had I not seen it one time somewhere written on here.

On seeing the title, I knew I had to grab the kleenex. I knew what i have to say is going to cause all my tear basins to turn over and empty out..but here is my story about confronting the abuser. It happened only recently and I do believe it was very unsuccessful .. and it had a ripple effect that is still so very painful to my heart.

I asked my moms some very pointed questions.. Why did you help my brother hurt me so badly..Why did she beat me so often and try so hard to get rid of me : pillow, boiling bath ,and scissors; and why does she still hate me..

I was only allowed those questions because my abuser… mom. said to me in response .”who the fk do you think you are asking me to give you reasons for how I raised you . You had a roof over your head which you didnt deserve, you were fed and sent to school and put in church.. You should be glad i didnt give you away , you know i never wanted you, I intended to abort you . so shut the fck up and remember I hold the power in this family and nothing you ever say will not mean anything to anyone.. because everyone hates your axx. “..

That was her answer and I didn’t continue the conversation .that was now over two months ago..but sits in my memory like yesterday .. After that call i got another couple with a few texts from family . .A cousin told me I should be ashamed of myself, my brother told me no one in the family likes me and never will and my uncle said its a sad day when someone from the familly behaves as I do.

I am seen by extended family as bad and according to that last call and my brother’s last text . no one likes me. from the family..

I feel completely undone to recall it as it reopens all the wounds that are still unhealed. . I am valueless to them. without a family. .never wanted. .and was suppose to be aborted.

Nothing mom e said shocked me as I felt in my child body how much she hated me and was hoping to make peace but it never happened and probably never will

joy

Hi Pam
It really is sad. My husband said to me just yesterday about his parents ~ “you know they missed out on a lot by declining to work on having a relationship with us”. They didn’t just lose their son and their grandchildren. They could have had REAL relationship based on real love and equality. But they chose the lie. They really believe that love is worshiping someone else. (which proves that they themselves don’t love by the definition they believe in)
Thanks for sharing
hugs, Darlene

Hi Rise
Thank you! It really is crazy isn’t it? I wanted SO badly to have relationships with so many people who treated me that way. People who discounted me and dismissed me. and today I live in truth and freedom! Thank you for being here and sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Shanyn
OH MY GOSH! (re ~ getting an email listing the conditions for the relationship!) WOW. I often wonder if my father told my siblings about my blog, because he knows about it. But if he tells them then he risks them reading stuff about him that they don’t know right? And he doesn’t know what I am going to write yet… and believe me, I have barely scratched the surface on this blog when it comes to writing about the dysfunctional family that I lived in.

Did you know where the theory of false memory syndrome actually comes from? Some mental health professionals had a daughter who said the father was abusing her… the mother somehow concluded that the little girl was mistaken; that her husband couldn’t possibly have done THAT. (well that is the story in a nut shell but you get the picture…) A whole bunch of people jumped on the band wagon. About your cousin, it is possible that she can’t face her own child history so denying yours helps her to stay in her own denial.
Thanks for sharing Shanyn!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Joy P.
I really understand your pain. Believe me it does get better as we get stronger. My brother said that to me too ~ that no one likes me ~ but I am a truth teller, so they don’t’ like me because I am a whistle blower. I hold THAT power and if they can keep me down, in depression, all messed up, then I won’t TELL their secrets. I don’t need them to like me anymore. Like I said, why did I want to BE with them when they regarded me that way? It took a while but today I am very strong and I know that I am so much better off without all that in my life.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Pinky
I was a little shocked to find out when I first began working in the field of abuse and the misuse of power and control how typical they all are. How similar they all operate to try and conceal the truth. It is really scary, but for me, realizing it was like cracking the code to freedom! Thank you for sharing your victory story with us! YAY
and thanks for the endorsement and encouragement!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Jenny
You are spot on realizing what messed you up. We can handle abuse when we are supported, believed, protected ~ we can overcome it.
I hated all my mothers boyfriends too.. and she accused me of flirting with them! UGG My mother is really sick.
and about dealing with your mom, the time frame is up to you!
hugs, Darlene

Joy
Your family sure told you a lot of huge lies to shut you up. No one from my family ever understood and eventually I stopped wishing for that. They don’t want to. They would rather let me go then face the ugly truth. I finally let go of that wish and WOW there was a lot of freedom and burden lifted when that day came. Keep going, you are doing great.
Hugs, Darlene

Joy….don’t worry….you will get there….you are here and that is the first step….hugs

Joy,
I don’t think I will ever stop hurting over my family or stop wishing that they would do what’s right. It is like when someone you love dies and that never quits hurting either but you learn to live with it and go on. It hurts me also to think my family doesn’t love me the way family should but I know the problem isn’t me, its in them. I will always hope for healing for them but my going along with their sickness won’t help them. What I’m doing is best for all of us. What you are doing is the best thing also.

Love,
Pam

It doesn’t hurt me anymore. Not having a family does not hurt me. This is new. I no longer yearn to fix them, to please them, to be who they want me to be. I no longer wish I could talk to them, reunion with them, “celebrate” with them, holiday with them. I once hoped for reconciliations and actively worked to rebuild relationships, including with my brother, the most heinous of betrayers. I don’t miss them. I don’t think about them. I don’t feel lonely without them. I felt lonely with them. I felt misunderstood with them. Of course, they don’t understand clear simple pure courage strength truth love and light. How did this happen? I put them all in a group hug, put them in a hot air balloon, and sent them all into the universe, cause I don’t want them anymore. If I remember a mean nasty cruel hurtful painful betrayal manipulative lie they told me, I re write it for myself into nice kind compassionate healing hopeful words.

Oops, I forgot to check the box to notify me of new comments, sorry.

I want to say too, Joy ~ those words I wrote to you in my last comment, they just seemed to come to me out of the air.. I felt strongly prompted in my heart to write those words, for YOU. I believe that what I wrote, is the way our Creator sees you… as a beautiful flowering tree, a tree that will one day bear much fruit, a tree that has miraculously grown in a toxic waste dump, and is now being transplanted into a beautiful garden, where you rightfully belong.

I believe that Christ is the only perfect human who ever lived. All of the rest of us are imperfect, and some are a lot more imperfect than others, especially the hateful toxic abusers! But, Christ was perfect, and yet, he was persecuted, falsely accused, arrested on a trumped-up charge, beaten, crowned with thorns, stripped naked, crucified, and mocked as he was dying. That is how the evil abusers in this world, treat people who have kind, caring, and gentle hearts.

Jesus said, if they persecuted Me, how much more will they persecute you?

In the letter I am writing to my mother, I am telling her that I am leaving her behind for good, and shaking the dust off my feet. That is Biblical, too! (I also wrote in my letter that if she will confess, and repent, and make some effort at making amends for her horrible abuses against me, then we can have a relationship based on equal respect. Sadly, I know the odds of that ever happening with my mother in this lifetime is less than me winning a multi-million dollar lottery, and getting struck by lightning, all on the same day.)

I am being set FREE from my horribly hateful mother, and I pray the same for you, Joy! I grieve with you, that your mother never loved and wanted you, even as I grieve that my mother never loved and wanted me. THE PROBLEM ISN’T YOU (OR ME), A BAD, UNLOVABLE DAUGHTER.. THE PROBLEM IS YOUR MOTHER, AND MY MOTHER ~ HATEFUL, ABUSIVE WOMEN WHO CANNOT LOVE!

Dear Pam ..

thank you for sharing that you too ..feel the hurting wont stop.. or that you wont stop wishing they would change.. I know that despite all the hurt. in me is wanting them to become better.. and as you sa.. do what’s right.

I know too ..now.. that it’s not because of me. but I still so very badly.. that they never wanted me or that all my other siblings see me just the same way as mom does..as someone bad.. I know am not bad but when they are in my mind or dreams .. I feel everything they say of me very deeply.

Thank you for reaching out to me

gentle hug (if ok)

joy

Dear Lynda

Thank you for your kind words.. I hear all you are saying and your words touch my heart.. It seeems so strange hearing such nice words to describe me. and am moved. I know time will make it that I heal . I trust the one who is working with my broken being and am grateful to all you who reach out to me to help me through all this.

You are so wonderful as is everyone here on Emerging from Broken. . No one can just stop feeling or loving or being who they are.. Thank you for understanding who I am . and pointing out the things you did..

hugs

Joy

Joy,
My siblings also see me in a negative light. They were taught to see me that way just as I was taught to see myself negatively. I am working to see myself and them the way we really are. I hope that someday, they will do the same. However, if they don’t, I’ll be fine and so will you because we can have confidence and stability in the truth. That is so much better than the instability and confusion that comes with trying to live according to their lies and prentenses. There is a difference also in pain that causes destruction and the pain that brings healing. What was done to you and I was that destructive pain. The pain we are going through now is the pain that brings healing. You are recovering from a very serious surgery, Joy. Hang in there, your beginning to mend, and you will be as good as new when your recovery is complete.

Love,
Pam

My mother made me her literal scapegoat. She accused me of things that I never did, which were things that she, herself, had actually done.

I will explain more about that later, I don’t feel up to getting into the details right now. But the bottom line is that my siblings all believed our mother. So, they grew up seeing me in the same false negative way, that my mother sees me.

Recently, one of my two brothers has come around to seeing things differently. He wrote me a letter this last month, it was his first letter to me in many years. In his letter he said that I am his favorite sister! That’s saying a lot, because I am one of 5 girls in our family, and there are also 3 stepsisters.

My brother will be 50 next month. It took him a long time to come around and open his eyes to the reality of who I am… which is NOT AT ALL the bad, crazy, unlovable person my mother told everyone that I was.

I believe that deep down inside, all of my siblings must know the truth. How could they NOT know, when I was always good and loving to them, and went out of my way to take care of them when they were little, and protected them from harm… well, maybe 95% of the time, I was good and loving to them, no one is perfect… but they have to know, on some level, that my mother has lied about me all these years. The problem is that when you are a child, your mother is like God ~ you HAVE to believe in her, because without her, you would die. When you grow up, it’s hard to let go of all those old false beliefs that she taught you, even after you are long grown and gone from your mother’s home. It was deeply imprinted in our hearts and minds when we were like blank slates, new to the world ~ relearning, reprogramming our minds to let go of the old false reality, and learn the new, TRUE reality, isn’t easy. Like Darlene has said before, it’s like our mind keeps wanting to go back to that old default position. It takes time to make the new programming, the TRUTH programming, sink down in and STICK.

You’re getting there, Joy. I can see it in the subtle changes in the things you are writing.

Lynda

Fi, I am in AWE of you. You went to the police and pressed charges against your horrible abusive parents! WOW oh WOW. YOU ROCK.

Like you said, even though they lied their way out of it, they know the truth, they know that you know the truth, and other people believe you, too. That is so empowering. I felt empowered, just reading that!

Lynda

Hi Fi,
Thanks for sharing your comment from facebook here! I LOVE what you said! That is such a “I’m taking my life back” statement. They know! They can’t make me think that I am crazy anymore! I can imagine the terror of reporting to the police with all the treats that we lived with as children. I was sick to my stomach just thinking about confronting them, never mind reporting! and I am also very aware today of how much the fear dissipated once I did say something. I used to jump when the phone rang in fear of hearing from someone I stood up to.

I love seeing the progression of recovery in yours and other lives. It is life sustaining to be a part of it. I felt that disloyal feeling for a long time, I even still get a flash of it once in a while, but I know it is the remnants of the old belief system… it take time!
Hugs, Darlene

Pam,
I LOVE your comments to Joy in comment # 25
It is so true that our siblings are trained to see us in the same negative light we are trained to see ourselves in. Thank you for sharing that! I have seen this in organizations too. The non compliant people are rejected. This goes way beyond just family.
Thanks and hugs,
Darlene

Lynda mentioned in one of her posts about how her mother figured she could read her mind – MY MOTHER DID THE SAME THING! It made me crazy. My mother figured she too could read my mind, know my thoughts, she figured she knew what I was going to say and do before I said or did anything – she even figured she knew what I liked more than I did – talk about having a god-complex … which really does fit with Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn’t it??

My mother has gone so far as to even poison my sibling’s opinion of me – and because of the healing I’ve gone through, I can HONESTLY say now, “I DON’T CARE WHAT THEIR THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS ARE OF ME.” In my opinion, I am not important enough to them for them to get to know the real me and not the person my mother has portrayed me as. The truth is MY MOTHER HAS NEVER KNOWN ME AT ALL. I was her scapegoat – she blamed me for things SHE DID herself.

People like this are so TOXIC!!!! I am so glad I have finally reached that point where I can really say that I don’t care if I have relationships with her or my father or my siblings – I flat out DON’T CARE. They can live in their own misery and deceptions until the Lord reveals to them the truth.

Like I’ve shared before – I am happier for not having them in my life now. I feel like a whole and grounded person for the first time in my life, way more aware of my value than ever. It’s been a long journey, some of it hard and gruesome, but oh so rewarding – more rewarding than I ever imagined.

I wanted to confront my brother about some abuse, I was really angry and it was the first time I’d seen him since the incident. He had just arrived and was in the living room and my mom and I were in the other room and she kept the door shut, so I couldn’t leave. Then she raised her hand to me and I confronted her in a way that showed her I wouldn’t tolerate her abuse either: “Are you going to hit me?!” Like, DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! She didn’t, but I kept quiet and just stayed in the other room until he and his new wife left. My mom always made me apologize when someone hurt me. I was raised to be compliant, obedient, submissive, so she could control me. NEVER AGAIN!

Hi Karen!
I love this story! I was SO compliant that everyone was shocked when I stood up. I think I even shocked myself! LOL But like you stated “NEVER AGAIN” Me too
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

P.S. Only God can fix their dysfunctional mess and it’s up to them to let Him.

Hi Joy,
Just a couple of points ~ You are blaming yourself for the employer thing (which I know is what we do, but I want to keep reminding you to change your thinking when it comes to self blame) by thinking that YOU could have been in charge of your own healing from childhood before that employer thing happened. You played into his hand because that was how you were taught and brought up. NOT because you didn’t take care of your self as a child.

About not trusting yourself, looking back I am glad that I went through a few years of not trusting myself. It kept me on guard. It ended up being a very good thing! Trusting others takes time and my therapist told me not to trust anyone totally, not even him, because I was so used to giving my power to the wrong people. I took that advice and kept my guard up for a long time until I knew I was no longer in that old belief system/mindset from the past where I came last and somehow always trusted the wrong people.
More “time” stuff.
Hugs, Darlene

Karen,
It shocked me to realize the lengths that people go to in order to manipulate and control in order to get their own way. (although I am getting used to it now..) The truth leak in that statement “if you were a real christian you wouldn’t need therapy” is all about the fear of the people who say it! Like you said ~ jealous that you are getting healthy and leaving them behind in the crazy or like my family of origin and my husbands family ~ SO afraid of what I might say or do if I heal so why on earth would they want me to heal? (and look at what I DO now!) I thought all that stuff was true before, all those statements must be true that I was so bad, and even though I could not find it in the bible, (all the judgements that were dumped on me in order to control me) I thought everyone knew better then I did. But today I know those kinds of statements are lies, meant to control. And God knows it too… so I have nothing to worry about.
Hugs, Darlene

@ Joy….I don’t know the answer to that…however, every little bit of anger or hurt I shed tears over seem to lighten my load….and bring some clarity….I have been on this journey a long time…but the best work I have done is here…amongst people who understand me…I have always felt different or like I am on the outside looking in and here, I am accepted as I am…I have a deep appreciation for that…I keep hoping it will all be “over” someday joy…but perhaps the pain lessens to a degree to where you are a freed up to enjoy life more…I don’t think it ever truly leaves you….

Hi Darlene,

About part of your comment in #11- about false memory theory. Of course I wasn’t taught to trust myself or my instincts. And even thought in adult hood I’ve managed to develop strong intuition and instinct, in the area of trusting my memories I remained 5. The adults remember things right, maybe I’m wrong because I don’t remember everything just enough to know there was abuse.

Recently a new memory came to the surface. I had to validate it by getting an old photo album out so I could see if my bed and room looked in the photo matched my new memory. Then I was talking to a friend about this who has done a lot of work around her childhood sexual abuse. She said to me- “After all you’ve suffered through… you have plenty of pain to go around if you want to go back to the past and feel miserable….do you really think that you’d make something new up just to upset yourself further? Come on, Kim!”

That made a lot of sense to me. This whole false memory stuff is a shame because I think that concept may have hurt a lot of folks who are processing.

I’m getting so much out of reading this blog and the comments from the community. Thank you!

Love,
Kim

[...] Here are the links to two awesome blog posts that fit with this topic. The first link is to Darlene Ouimet’s Emerging From Broken Blog, on the issue of confronting our childhood abusers: http://emergingfrombroken.com/to-confront-or-not-to-confront-that-is-the-question/ [...]

Joy,
What I have regained in facing my past is the ability to trust myself. Not having confidence in my own perseptions made me very vulnerable to manipulation and abuse. That confidence was stolen from me by the way I was treated as a child. I was in a state of constant confusion because I was told so often that what I perceived as real was not real. A confused person is easily victimized. I believe that as you grow stronger and begin to trust yourself better, you will be able to do whatever is possible to do to protect yourself. None of us are totally immune to being hurt again but I believe that we can learn to avoid much of the hurt that comes to us on a daily basis. Also, as I learn to have more confidence in myself, I am less needy and it is easier for me to walk away from someone who might not have the best intentions toward me. I believe this will all come to you also. I see it beginning already.

Love,
Pam

Pam

I am still to weak . I should not have opened it.. it look like a thin letter..thought it was my miracle instead it was a heart break . i am worthless to them.
joy

ps.. I guess I dont know who I am…first I no one now who do I think I am just dropping out their life. .. .I am so confused. by them

joy

@ Pam in #51….right on comment….being confused is how they keep you trapped, where they want you to be….this is how my daughter got molested by her father…he is a master manipulator and will do whatever it takes to get what he wants….thank god I got away from him.

@ Fostered….your story inspired me!! Thanks for sharing

Hi Joy
I am going to put a different focus on this letter thing. I am going to just put the truth in a little nut shell here. First she says that you are worthless and were never wanted and after the kidnapping she added; don’t you dare discuss your childhood with a therapist. And now she says “how dare you drop out of their lives?” I think that she pretty much TOLD you to drop out of their lives your whole life. What is she so upset about? If my mother asked me who I think I am I would tell her that I am a worthy human being. Oh and if you are the problem like she keeps saying you are, she should be having a party to celebrate that “the problem” is “dropping out” now.
I don’t intend to make light of this Joy. I am so sorry you are in so much pain, although I really do understand it. I know how much it hurts; I am just trying to assist you in seeing the confusion THESE kind of people create. That is the whole fog busting thing I am talking about.
Hugs, Darlene

It is all I ever heard too Joy, that I should never have been born, was never wanted, was worthless and a total waste of space.

It was breaking the silence on my abuse and beginning to talk and share with professionals and other survivors that I was able to see past the fog of confusion and put downs and see them for what they were – lies that were designed to control, manipulate etc.

Being believed enabled me to begin to challenge those lies. It’s a process full of many layers. But there is way through. Walking away from family is always a very brave and hard thing to do but may be the best thing you could ever do for you and for your healing journey. Walking away from family does not equal walking away from God. God is not punishing you and never will. God has been severely misrepresented to you as he was to me too. If there is anyone God is displeased with it is not you but your abusers. They are the ones who are bad. How dare they treat you the way they have treated you. It’s good and liberating to turn all those thoughts and comments on their head and direct them back to your abusers.

You have the right to establish boundaries for your safety, wellbeing and healing. If that means blocking them on facebook, not opening letters from them or blocking their numbers then so be it, whatever it takes. Once the boundaries are in place you can begin to take apart the lies and find a way through the fog. As long as they are manipulating you, emotionally or in any other way, it will be very hard to bust through the fog of confusion and lies.

But whatever they say you are worth it, most definitely worth it.

I AM COMMENTING IN CAPS TO OFFSET MY QUOTES BELOW.

“~My mother also controlled me with her fragile state of mental health for years. She constantly warned me not to “upset” her. She told me all the time that she “couldn’t take it”.” — YIKES. DEJA VU.

“I felt SO bad about cancelling the reunion. I pride myself on never breaking my agreements and on being a very “nice person”. What would they think? What price would I pay for doing that? I was afraid in the same way that I was always afraid as a child. Afraid of rejection, anger and retaliation, but really, I suffered those consequences all my life when I complied! What would change if I made them angry? And I had been treating myself like crap forever but I never considered that cancelling meant that I was taking care of myself for once.” — YES!

“All my life my mother had this whole song and dance routine about how I am this “ungrateful daughter”. That she did her best; that she “never wanted to be a single parent” as though that was the whole problem and that as though that statement explained and excused her from all accountability. ” — AND, DARLENE, AS IF HER BECOMING A SINGLE PARENT WAS YOUR FAULT. OBVIOUSLY, THAT WAS IMPLIED AND NOT AT ALL TRUE.

AND, JUST LIKE THE SINGLE PARENT PART WASN’T YOUR FAULT, NEITHER WAS THE “FRAGILITY” THAT YOUR MOTHER EITHER TRULY POSSESSED OR JUST FAKED. THIS BRINGS SO MUCH UP IN ME TODAY! I FEEL SO CHEATED RIGHT NOW, LIKE EVERYTHING THAT A “NORMAL” CHILDHOOD SHOULD HOLD WAS RIPPED OUT OF MY HANDS BY THE VERY PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTING THOSE THINGS FOR ME AND MAKING SURE THAT I HAD AS MUCH OF THEM AS POSSIBLE. I MEAN, I KNOW — AT LEAST TO SOME EXTENT — THAT MY PARENTS DIDN’T CREATE IN THEMSELVES THEIR ISSUES, BUT ALSO NEITHER DID I, AND AS ADULTS, IT WAS THEIR JOB TO TRY TO GET HEALING AND RECOVERY. JUST LIKE IT’S MY JOB FOR ME AND NOT MY KIDS’. I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SO RILED UP ABOUT THIS STUFF THIS WEEK, BUT IT’S A HARD WEEK FOR ME ANYHOW AND I GUESS ALL THE STUFF JUST KIND OF RISES TO THE SURFACE WHEN WE ARE UNEARTHING ANY OF IT. THANKS FOR LISTENING AND PLEASE KEEP ME IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS THIS WEEK ESPECIALLY. THANKS!

Yes Joy the hardest thing to give up is that hope that a miracle will happen and they’ll change, want you etc.

I’ve been there against the most impossible odds, given they abandoned me and left me for dead still a part of me held on to that hope for 25 years. It was liberating when I was finally able to accept a miracle is not going happen. I’m not going to be wanted or loved by my family. They are not going to change. The only person expected to change is me, but it’s not me the problem is with but them. It’s very hard to accept that hard painful truth but I could not do any healing work while I held on to it.

You’re right they’re not going to change.

Yes they want you to feel guilty and feel bad but no more huh!! It’s incredibly painful to let go of that hope, accept they’re not going to change and determine to go after whatever it takes to heal. But that’s a key to moving out of the fog of lies, confusion, emotional manipulation and so on.

Lynda:

“The problem is that when you are a child, your mother is like God ~ you HAVE to believe in her, because without her, you would die. When you grow up”…it takes time to realize that you are not dependent on her anymore.

Darlene, #36,”they never knew us or saw us for who we are. BUT I was predictable and easy to manipulate so when I changed, it was a huge shock to everyone. They all sort of panicked at first ~ scrambling for new ways to control me and get me back in “the box” that I had always been in before.
I laugh now when I look back and realize how shocked they all were that I was not little miss “do what ever you want me to do” anymore. It took me awhile to even see that for what it was and to see how they changed ALL their tactics to try and regain control. The sad part was that none of them wanted to work on an equality based relationship. They ONLY wanted control. I don’t miss any of it either.”

I am NOT lonely…it is not a loss that there is no one to criticise my house keeping, or the fact that my husband and I work in the kitchen TOGETHER!!! I don’t miss having my children picked on by their grandparents, and told that they didnt’ measure up and weren’t good enough, OMG, I don’t miss this stuff at all. It is so GOOD to not have to hear those voices out loud, and less in my head as time goes by.

Darlene…

They have me so confused.really confused.. all along am told no one in the family likes me .. recently was tol that I should have been aborted and that i shouldnt have been born and this letter seems to flip it all upside down an make me look like i am the bad person. walking away from the “brady bunch” . how dare i.. I was almost tempted to say “how dare i” but i thought I am the bad one.. all my life. even with the case thats going on .. my abuser said I deserved all i got.. so why am i bad for putting up walls to protect me. she .. my abuser .. is making me to be the bad person and no doubt she made a copy of her letter to show how she addressed me as the bad person and I am going to “burn in hell”

I know . .they are mad.. because am changing. it still is all a big big mess . and I am so confused .

joy

Joy, it’s typical behaviour of abusers to make the abused person look bad and to turn the abusers into a victim. It’s all about trying to keep you seeing things the way they do. It is all about control and manipulation. They don’t want you to change, they don’t want you to realise they’ve lied to you, they don’t want you thinking for yourself, yes they’re mad, yes you’re changing, it is a mess but it’s not a mess of your making. You are not bad for putting up walls to protect you, quite the opposite but they want you to think you’re being bad and selfish because they will fight like crazy to stop you becoming your own person so they create this confusion of lies and emotional manipulation.

Joy,
That ‘mess’ is of their own creation,not yours. Soon you will be completely out of it and they will be left with the problems they’ve made. I’m glad you weren’t aborted and you are no mistake. You are a very tender hearted person who loves and deserves to be loved. I’m glad you are protecting yourself because I want you to be around to encourage me by showing me that good can triumph in the face of evil. You are very strong! You survived great evil by the hand that was set to nurture you. You not only survived but you have survived with your empathy and compassion in tact. You haven’t become like them. That is why you encourage me. Your doing great, just hang on.

Love,
Pam

Fi:

I am learning it’s typical behavior .. I only can see what behavior is happening . with the abusers in my life. They are torturing my mind and breaking my heart over and over..

I, however, should not have opened that letter..I was hoping for a miracle.. still living in my dream land .. but that has ended today. Enough is enough. I cannot keep allowing them to hurt me so much.

I think they are starting to feel the pain of how they have treated me because I have been silent so long. and they want to make me feel their pain ..

They have definitely done that

Joy

I have something to add…I don’t know if it is the actual family we grieve for when we realize we have to let go….or if it is the idea we fell in love with…the idea of what a family really means…which is unconditional love and support…none of which ever came from my family of origin except maybe from my siblings…my parents never showed me the love I so deeply needed and wanted….I sometimes don’t even know if I truly know what “love” means….I do know that love leaves you with a good feeling though…not the anxiety and fear I was always left with…

Darlene,
Once again your words explain what I went through in my life too….I have just today wrote to my sister that I do not want any kind of relations with them as they always hurt and reject me. It was a bittersweet feeling to let go of wanting their love my whole life and never getting it and just letting go. I am still going to try to have a relation with my mother who abused me both sexually at an early age and physically later,,,but only because she is a quad and to hold up my obligation as a daughter for myself not to feel guilty. The horrid things she has done to me I know she knows but will never admit or emerge form broken and admit her own childhood to be free…..this I do wish she could do before leaving this earth….I want to thank you so much for just being able to identify with your blog.

Hi Jenny
Thank you for sharing your writing. It is hauntingly beautiful and I felt the breakthrough! And you are right. I realized in the grieving process that I was grieving the dream of having a loving family. Not the actual family I had.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Pam,
Great comments about anger. Thanks for sharing.
Fi,
Great comments about abusers and some of the typical stuff around this whole thing.
hugs Darlene

Hi Invisible321
I am glad that you can identify with what I write.
Thank you for sharing
Hugs, Darlene

Patricia,
Somehow I missed your comments yesterday and realized by Evie’s comments that I had missed something! Thank you for sharing about making amends. There is a LOT of great stuff highlighted in those comments ~ I spent an extra year in therapy learning how to live in my NEW belief system and much of it was about all that stuff. Recovery doesn’t just stop at a certain place. Life keeps going on and there are always difficult people and situations to deal with. For me, everything was new. Learning how to do relationships was ALL new. Learning to stand up for myself in regular situations was NEW in my case, I didn’t have a temper; I always backed down, so I had to look at the way that I did that too and I had to put a little more conviction in my voice. I got mixed up a few times.. and said the wrong things and had to realize that I needed to apologize too. LOTS to learn… Thanks for your comments.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Evie,
Your comments are very well written ~ I love what you have said. It is really hard for some people to realize that they themselves are continuing to abuse as they are trying to grow in recovery. I think it is related to putting the self first, which for many is such a new thing, that it gets put in place the wrong way. We think we are standing up for ourselves when we are really tearing someone else down. Yes, that is the abuse that we all were trying to escape in the first place. I had to learn to look at this whole picture and it was a tough one.

I have a dream to have a safe place for survivors where there is mutual respect and that we all use our “power” to empower each other and not tear down; it is very sad and hard when survivors attack other survivors and the whole pecking order system lives on. It takes time for each person to come to that wholeness point. I love your definition of healthy relationship. You are so right and that is the goal that I strive for. I had to learn to use the delete button in survival communities. I had to learn when to stop engaging. And I want to HELP everyone, so it was very hard for me to learn when to walk away. I also had a huge addiction to being understood, so I had a very hard time letting go when someone accused me of anything that hurt me. But I did learn to walk away. I did learn to take care of me. This process is so big. Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Evie, thank you for commenting on my comment #64. I am disappointed that no one else has.

Over the past few weeks, I have discovered some areas that I need to work on healing. As I told a friend a short time ago, I still don’t always know what I am feeling. I still go numb sometimes. I still go into shock when I am verbally attacked for something that I said from a place of my honesty and truth.

If you ask me how you are doing in your healing journey, don’t expect anything but the truth as I know it. My truth may not be 100% accurate because it comes through my set of filters from my own set of experiences. I am not infallible. I will tell the truth as I see it. I don’t do it to hurt you but to hopefully give you some new awarenesses. I only do it if you ask me. Recently someone that I thought was a friend asked me about a situation that she started.

This happened a few weeks ago on my Facebook page. Someone attacked a commenter on something that I had posted. I had mixed emotions about the post to begin with because I knew that my commenters would probably be mixed about the topic. Some supported the person the post was about and some did not. One of my commenters took the position of stating that maybe the policeman was just trying to help by giving the advice that he did. I can see that as true.

I can also see it as blaming the victim which was the more popular stance. Neither opinion is all right or all wrong. Both has some elements of truth in them. When my commenter said she was playing devil’s advocate, which to me means she was willing to look at both sides of the picture, the other person blew up all over her, way out of proportion. I stepped in and said that the first commenter was not directing her comment toward the second commenter at all. She was stating her opinion about the actions of the policeman. I later deleted the post at the request of the friend that got blasted.

I was friends with both of these ladies. When the blaster asked my opinion, I told her that I was beginning to see patterns of behavior from her that she might want to look at as being unhealthy and even as being abusive to the other person. I have seen her go off on people twice before this incident. I also told her, because she asked, that sometimes friends have to be completely honest with friends even if it hurts that friend to know the truth.

I pointed out all of the stressors that this friend had been under for the past few weeks. I understood about the stress. I even sympathized with her over the death of her cousin and the horrible letter that her mother had written to her filled with hate. I understand that stress can overwhelm us and cause us to lose control of our emotions. I told her all of that. In the beginning of my healing journey, I often reacted out of rage before I could control it and not harm someone else with the explosion. That is one of the reasons that I recognised the pattern in this friend. I wasn’t attacking this friend in telling her this. If we don’t have awareness, we can’t change and we continue harming others with our behavior. It took me a long time to change this in myself and I had a lot of amends to make for my behavior before I was able to change it.

That friend went on to say that she became suicidal and it was all my fault that “my truths” were wrong and that I was no friend to her. She called me a stalker because I asked her husband how she was doing when she unfriended me on Facebook that day. I was concerned.

Several comments have been made directed toward me here on EFB without using my name but until this point, I have refused to respond. I don’t feel that it is appropriate for this person to be allowed to blast someone here in the form of telling her story and receive all the sympathy and care of others when she is in the wrong and her behavior is clearly unhealthy. When I say nothing, you are only seeing one part of the picture and assuming she is the one who has been wronged when that is far from the truth.

I realize that by “telling my side of the story” that some conflict may happen here. I am sorry for bringing this here Darlene but I am tired of hearing all of the facts distorted and one-sided as they are over and over again. The first comments about this incident happened on Lynn Tolson’s post on I think it was July 1 or 6, I forget which. Conflict can be healthy or it can be unhealthy. It doesn’t have to get nasty as the blaster’s comments did to me when she wrote me a 4-page reply to my answer to her original comment when she wanted me to tell her that she was right for losing control and blasting my other friend. When I disagreed with her, I was no longer her friend.

I would have been very upset with her if she had committed suicide but it would not have been my fault. We each are responsible for our own behavior. I take full responsibility for what I have said here today and for every comment that I have ever made here, now, and in the future. I won’t argue with this lady if she chooses to comment on any of this. It isn’t fair for one of us to tell our story and everyone to assume that story is the whole truth when it is not.

My other friend or I neither one have deserved the tongue lashing that has gone on here in the form of someone’s story. I am not blasting that other person. I am simply telling my truth. This is healthy for me. My other friend is one of the most empathic and sensitive to other people’s feelings that I know of. I hope that Darlene is not angry with me for saying all of this but I needed to clear the air for me. All of this started when I defended another friend on my Facebook page. Silence doesn’t help anyone heal. The wound will continue to fester if it isn’t given light and air to heal. I look at this as another step in my healing process. Good day everybody.

Krissy,
He still doesn’t care about YOUR feelings? AM I right? The whole church thing CAN be a real problem, from my experience, so excuse the intensity, but it is NONE of their business WHAT you do in your marraige. And I have had a lifetime of having those in my same house care more about what the “church thinks” than having a personal relationship with their own family memebers!!! HOW sick is that?

Hi all,

At 5:15 last night I hit “send” on the email that told my abuser that he could no longer be in my life (he’s been back in my life for the last 2.5 yrs). This as a result of me not having full memories and not really recognizing him as my abuser. However my body did recognize him as the abuser and began to communicate to me.

I’m emotionally drained over what it’s taken to get to this point, but my soul feel lighter already.

I chose to tell the truth about what’s happened- that once he came back into my life that I began to experience flashbacks and nightmares and was transported back to the ages of some of my biggest trauma. My PTSD and disassociation began again and made me sick as my body indicated that having him in my life was a stress.

Then I told him that I choose me.

It doesn’t matter to me what he has to say. I know in my heart that I have done the right thing for myself.

Just wanted to share that.

Kim

KIM,
that is like the best thing I’ve ever read!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD for you!!!! YOU listened to your body!! I LOVE THIS!!!!!
As someone in the helping field told me when I divorced a man with bipolar disorder, addictions, abusive behaviors, and I forgot the rest, she said that when these patterns have been established in a relationship (you and this other person, or me and my ex) that even with ten years of therapy where they learn to take responsibility, they MAY go on to have successful relationship with SOMEONE ELSE, but not ever with the person with whom the abuse was established, or entrenched, or whatever word you want to use.

Kate,
So many of the religions(I call them towers of Babel)that people have constructed around Christ have the focus all wrong. We’re supposed to focus on Jesus not on ourselves. The Pharasees of Jesus’ day are alive and well amoung us.Those who make their living via religion and prone to the sin of controling their source of income. They are human but a pain in the coma se ama. My husband calls it “stupid human tricks”. I remember Jesus as he tells us how to handle these people by doing what they say but not what they do. They are manipulators and manipulators twist what is true according to their purpose. They seek to have us carry heavy burdens that they themselves don’t lift a finger to carry…I have known a couple of genuine, hard working men in leadership positions but they don’t have the appeal of the manipulators. Another stupid human trick is to be attracted to what hurts you and people are easily fooled.

Pam,
And in these “religious” settings, there is no honest relationship involved among the people or between the leadership and the people. It is not about caring how people/individuals feel or think about anything. Communication is not two-way. MY dad has told me more times than I could EVER count, that the words “I think” (and we would certainly NEVER be allowed to use the word “feel”) are the first problem, that whose words HAVE to go!! “It is NOT about what I think–the BIG I, the terrible I” I am serious. This is how he talks. As if he really lives this! HA! AS if anyone COULD live that way. It is a lie.

I’m in situations where I could recommend confrontation or not. This is the uncommon insight I have been looking for. I’ve seen you address this in parts but this is a treatise. Thank you.

I can relate to the fear of hurting the other person and the scariest part is when they throw it back at you. I’ve started to see it as their defense mechanism more than the truth. It sure would be interesting if someone in my family took responsibility for their own actions … still waiting on that … but meantime any time I get close to exposing the truth (that we are not a perfect family) I can expect a litany of accusations and excuses.

Kate~ Thank you for your post! I appreciate your supportive response.
Kim

Joy, that is great. You have the right to say no to unwanted visitors. If you know you are not strong enough yet to deal with them, hiding is an option. Small steps moving forward are still moving forward.

HI Kate

I have made a cut from them before but maybe they don’t understand and I am patient somewhat .. but i will write for the church to not contact me any more. I thought I had said that last time he called but he is old and maybe he didnt “get it”

It seems coincidental since my mom did mention in her letter that she was going to have someone talk to me. sense to me!

Thank you : JOY

Patricia..

THe visitor is someone I never want back as I don’t believe
I can accept my old faith. I see things so differently now
I see everything differently and am not ready to make any
selection of one faith yet . but I agree little steps .. am
no where ready for big steps although ..

joy

Joy,
This is awesome! Thank you for sharing your victory, I veiw it as one too! YAY. and I love the comments from the other readers in support of you!
Hugs, Darlene

Joy,
Abusers don’t do what you ask them to do. They control this way. So you just have to stop communicating.

Joy,

I am not sure. I don’t know if you want to have a written record of your asking them to stop contacting you. You might ask someone at the courthouse about this?

Otherwise, or in the meantime, you could just stop answering phone and door like you have, and then maybe have some conversations with someone knowledgeable at the courthouse, and read the Gift of Fear book by De Becker and see what you think?

You should NOT have to be contacted by people that you don’t want contacting you, especially an institution. If you are not communicating with them or attending their services, they have NO reason to contact. It is ONLY for the purpose of control.

Darlene, I understand your position. That is one of the reasons that I waited until now to address this problem. Nothing would have been accomplished if I had posted this on my blog. The person doesn’t read my blog. She blocked me on Facebook. Without names being said, this person is still blasting me with her words. Hopefully me commenting in this way will stop the abuse from continuing or from the person picking another victim that may be defenseless which I am not. I am strong enough to speak out and to take care of myself. I am also strong enough to say, “No more.” I am not the first person that she has done this to here. Hopefully by bringing it to a head here, it won’t happen again. It doesn’t feel safe to have people who are supposed to be in recovery doing this sort of thing. If I could have done this in any other way I would have.

Thank you for your understanding. I apologize to you Darlene and to any readers that I may have made fearful or uncomfortable. Sometimes keeping quiet just doesn’t help anyone heal. I did not do this out of anger or rage or even to “get even”. I didn’t start it. Turning our heads the other way just doesn’t cut it either sometimes because that allows the abuse to continue. As a child, I had no way to stop the abuse. My “no” meant nothing. Not saying anything felt like when I was a child and the abuse was out of my control. That isn’t true now that I am an adult survivor.

PS- I am a little confused as to who my post should go to it might be Joy or Kate not sure. Sorry.

Pinky,

Joy and I both are from very small towns, where, as Joy indicated, if you want to keep a low profile, you have to stay in, literally.

I reported a teacher for verbal abuse, while I was subbing, and found my car tires out of air. I was not comfortable doing much in that town. I dated a guy whose daughter worked in the school and she and her teacher friend both said they didn’t want me in their classrooms. I left a pile of letters, pictures, and stories done by the students for this teacher all in favor of HER and she told the school not to let me back in her classroom. So for the last year of subbing, I hardly had any work at all. Don’t stay in a town that will not employ you.

LOVE what you wrote about NYC!! Thank you!!

and absolutely, abuse destroys a life, health, etc.

PS_ but nobody will try to get into your business or face.

@ Kate so sorry here in NYC you have to have a teachers certification to sub.

I am having a really hard day today and am just digesting the whole of the letter come to me the other day and just figured out what the abuser meant by her final words.. let go of her an let god heal you . . She was telling me to stop therapy .

I am realizing that even in her accusations of me leaving the family she is still wanting to control me and doesnt want me to heal . i have no value . at all . my well being is not important to her.

She told me to let god heal me and let go of “her”. .her is my T and I most certainly will not do that.

I am so upset about the letter. I was so courageous yesterday but really didnt “Get it” all .. all her meanness to I looked a second time

joy

Hi pam

THere is no need for her to feel threatened by my T.. .I never have spoken anything of my T to anyone other then when i was first asked if I was going for counseling I said I needed to then all hell broke out.

In her letter she said let go of “her and let god heal me” but she is wanting control. .and I am not going to let myself go unhealed any more
I lost out on so many years already . I keep getting hurt as i dont know how to know who will hurt me. i need help.

I never felt any love from my mom not once as i was always told i was a mistake. .so you cannot be loved if you are a mistake…how i saw it.

Pam , i wish no evil or hurt on anyone. I don’t care how much i’ve been hurt. i carried a fairy tale inside me that everyone would change and become kinder. .I even thought my abusive boss would change his tortuous ways if i suffered patiently that never happened.

I think i expect others to be kind as thats what in my heart and not everyone wants to be kind i guess.

I know nothing they say of me changes who i am so i will have to let the tears fall till i have no more to drop.

joy

Pam, thank you. I appreciate your words of support.

Joy, usually when someone is telling you to stop therapy it is because they are afraid that you might expose them as abusers to your therapist. She is afraid of you speaking out and sharing your story and pointing a finger at her as your abuser. She doesn’t really want God to heal you. She just wants to make you fearful enough to remain silent about your abuse. She is afraid of what other people might think about her. It is really hard when that person is your mother who was supposed to be the one to nurture and protect you when you were a child.

Like Pam said, you are not worthless. It is good that you see that your mother is just trying to control you. With that awareness you can stop her control over you. You can stop believing her lies that say you are worthless. You are not. You have a very high value to God and to your friends here.

Patricia..
I know that’s why.. she knows how to hurt me . after all she’s been doing all my life till now. She is a very hateful person mom is. and you are both right .. she doesnt like am breaking away ..

I know am not worthless but feel so helpless alot of time as mom never taught me things she only screamed things at me and never taught me anything of life.

Am trying to be patient..and grieving lots of that going on right now.. the letter is hitting home more today then the day it arrived..

joy

Hi Everyone,
I am going to respond to the comments about the concerns and the shares from Patricia, Evie and the problems with some of the comments on EFB. Hopefully I can do this later on today; I just didn’t want anyone to think I am ignoring it. I want this to be a safe place. I want everyone to have a voice and know they are safe here. Evie and Patricias concerns are very valid.

I have just been so slammed and jammed for time this past week. It is summer, I have three kids home from school and all their extra emotional and relational needs. I have a daughter going off to university and she is getting scared. I have been painting bedrooms and the bathroom… There is a lot going on here but I will come back to this and respond soon.
Hugs, Darlene

Evie/Elizabeth/Liz, Darlene and Joy, thank you. Conflicts can be handled in a healthy manner. Because we are human beings with opinions, feelings and abuse issues, conflict is going to happen. None of us learned healthy ways to handle conflict growing up with abuse in our families.

Joy, you are so afraid of hurting someone else that you will bend over backwards to not hurt someone else and may hurt yourself in the process. Conflict is about crossing boundaries. Sometimes we knowingly do that and sometimes we accidentally do it. There is a big difference between the two. I look forward to hearing what Darlene has to say.

Thank you Darlene.. I had no idea what was what and being the child yet inside me began to wonder if i was to blame for something ..I even made a statement if I said anything wrong ever to tell me. . I am lost about everything but so glad you are here to make all things right..THis is a very nice blog..

joy

Joy, you are a sweetheart who is not to blame in any of this.

Darlene, thank you. I feel heard. I appreciate the way you have handled this. I am sorry that it had to happen on EFB. Your words help so many to start to heal their childhood wounds.

Joy, you did nothing wrong. I hate that your mother blamed you for everything and made you feel this way. You are not to blame for everything that goes wrong in the world. You don’t have that much responsibility or power to control everything therefore you cannot be responsible for things being fixed. It is not your fault. I wish I could convince you of that.

Joy, your mother was very wrong in the things that she said to you. You bring light to everywhere that you go. Your poetry brings healing to all who read it. Please don’t believe what she said to you.

What an unbelievably thoughtful & helpful article– thank you so much for sharing your path towards healing from trauma.

Dave

Hi Dave,
Thank you for your compliment. I am glad that you like this post.
Hugs, Darlene

@Joy that is one reason why this blog is so healthy. There are many in our pasts who are so unhealthy and opposed to growth and truth! It is nice to get support for truth when we are seeking and living it!

Regarding my comment #136 ~I just put this PS in it for all those following this thread. I am talking about the situation where one of the readers here was accused of “blasting” other readers here on Emerging from Broken ~

I am very sorry, I made a mistake with this whole thing. I finally found the comments that were in question and I was wrong. The person who was sharing on Lynn Tolson’s guest post was NOT repeating or blasting anyone about the situation on Facebook ~ she was in fact sharing her distress over what SHE had done on facebook. I am so sorry to that person for NOT going and finding those comments BEFORE I wrote comment #139. I have hurt her deeply by missing the truth here; She admits her involvement with the FB situation and regrets it too, but she did not do anything mean or even revealing against other people on this blog. I am so sorry that I messed this whole thing up. I will try harder in the future to keep this blog a safer place for everyone.

If anyone wants to read the comments that I am talking about ~ they are on Lynn Tolsons Guest Post, comments #56, # 57, #58 and #60 ~ you are welcome to read them and form your own opinion. Everyone involved in this has corresponded with me privately, so please, if you don’t know what I am talking about, rest assured it isn’t about you.
Again, to all those involved, (or anyone who has followed this situation) I am deeply sorry for my mistake. I dropped the ball here, which has caused harm to a few people, and there is NOTHING that I try harder NOT to do then to try NOT to cause harm to my readers.

With Love and respect to all of you,
Darlene

Thank you Joy
This situation has been very difficult.
Hugs, Darlene

Darlene; I’ve followed this situation from a distance and don’t have all the details…and all I can say is I appreciate your consciousness of safety issues here while still respecting everyones right to self expression. I think the lines get blurry once we move from self expression to telling others what to do, think or say. Name calling is definitely not helpful and blaming others by justifying and explaining ones own actions is never helpful. It is never the place of another to speak their truth at the expense of another. Advice unasked for is not advice and is most often unhelpful. And that is the main thing I appreciate about EFB – that we can share our stories without being questioned, minimized or doubted. We don’t have to defend ourselves or explain anything. We are valued and validated. We are trusted to find our own way, we learn from sharing our stories of pain and of our hope. I know this situation has been uncomfortable and I certainly wish everyone concerned the best and that we can each see the truth within ourselves and let others see and find their own within themselves.

Dealing with this today as I received a text yesterday from the offending person — am I EVER going to talk to her again. “Please, just put my mind at ease with a yes or a no.”

I have been studying on this all evening and all this morning. My first thought is, “how has 7 months of complete silence escaped your notice?”

My second thought is, “You said you were ‘done’ with me, now just do what you said and leave me the *&^% alone!”

My third thought is, “Why is it MY job to put YOUR mind at ease?” and this is where I settle. This person left my life in a huff and made sure that any mutual acquaintances would have nothing more to do with me by telling a vicious lie about the situation. I was content to rest with the person finally away from me and had no need or desire to set her house on fire the way she did mine. Besides that, she told me all the reasons I was a bad person and said she was, literally, done with me. So, here she is, back again, begging for my attention and all I want to do is be finished with the whole situation. It isn’t the first time she has hurt me deeply, lied about me or to me, and/or falsely accused me of wrongdoing toward her. Well, I guess it would help to know that this is my mother we are talking about. Years and years and years of inappropriate behaviors, lying, manipulation, and finally, the last straw and she was done with me! Haha. It sounds a little funny when I think about it. She was driving me crazy! And she was done with me. Well, I am satisfied with that conclusion. But, now the childish behaviors — texting me and calling my house and trying to force me to talk to her again. What for?! So she can set me on fire one more time? (I do not mean a literal fire.) So she can introduce me to more nice people only to later tell them what a toad I am and how mean and cruel and heartless I am. I feel like I’m being used to garner some form of bizarre sympathy from people outside our family (pretty sure our own family is onto her). Sympathy for what? She talks about having the “perfect childhood”. What in the world does she need me for? I’m sick of it! I just want to be left alone.

I didn’t respond to the text, and this morning, I blocked her number (again — she had cleverly switched cell phones with my dad a few months ago and it took me a few texts to realize that it wasn’t him any more). I don’t know why a parent feels it is their child’s responsibility to make them feel good about themselves. It isn’t. The Lord did not put me on this earth to make a hero out of my mom (and believe me, she’s no hero). I just have no words for the level of frustration that I feel and also I hate that I feel a little dirty for not wanting to talk to my own mom. I think that’s just a result of years of conditioning. But, I am determined to stand my ground. I’ve already lost so much to her — why should I risk more? Nothing that she brought to my life made having her in it worthwhile. I hate to say that, and I hate that the world at large would condemn me for it, but it’s the truth and I have to put it down somewhere besides my own private journal.

Darlene, you talk about apologies that don’t really say I’m sorry. This is a twisted one indeed. For all the years of being used and sometimes abused, and then she’s done with me, and now she just can’t have peace of mind unless I say out loud, “I don’t want to talk to you any more.” Bull spit! I am so angry!

Kellie.

I can relate to everything you are saying.

No.We don’t have to give them closure; play the games, go through the triangulation with them and other people, where one day you think people have one stance, and the next they switch their opinions and actions. One thing I have discovered when dealing with some people; with the best of intentions, I sometimes wind up being the ‘villain’ of the piece, and don’t know how I got there.

WE get to do closure in our time and our way. If other people want to play games, they can go for it. For me, as healthy as I believe it is to be transparent with people; I have decided only with a very few I trust will I do that anymore. For those who have not been open or transparent with me, while saying they were, I owe them nothing.

Hi Mitzi
Well you are not alone with this either. I am heartsick for what you have been through and for what you were forced to do; all of it was abuse and the misuse of power. Being called a liar is a re abuse. Being convinced to take your accusation back is yet another re abuse. You have been abused all the way around. It makes me sick too, but it isn’t your fault. Time for you to validate you Mitzi. You can get past this. All these people live in and support a sick system. The very one that we are leaving behind because we know there is a better way now.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing that. I know this is extremely painful and hard.
Love Darlene