May
17

The Problem with Statements like “Get Over It”

By

psychological abuseI saw a little saying on Twitter the other day that read ~ “God likes you. A lot. Deal with it” It was a twitter account that was promoting the book, “The Shack” and although I loved the book, the saying itself really bugged me. And not because I am not a fan of God; I am. But it was the “Deal with it” part that bugged me.  I felt like saying “NO” I don’t have to “deal with it”.  I felt “told” and I felt as though I had “no choice”.  Even though this is meant to be a positive statement, that God likes me a lot, I found it to be irritating.

I have the same aversion to being told things like “get over it” I find instructions and directives like that demeaning, as though these people are inferring that I am incompetent, and that I have made the wrong choice where my own feelings are concerned. Those statements often come in larger sentences such as “Oh for goodness sake, get over it already” and there is always an impatient voice infliction attached to them. Tone of voice is used to “remind me” that I must be too stupid to understand “HOW to deal with it” thereby putting the focus back on me, reminding me that I am  incompetent, in order to make me stop talking about whatever it was that I was trying to deal with in the first place.

Let’s define the word “IT”. “IT” in this case and according to my experience was psychological abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. Get over emotional abuse. Get over sexual abuse. Get over physical abuse.  Get over being told in actions and sometimes in words, that you were not lovable, not valued, not valid as a human being but rather defined as an object with no feelings, by just forgetting about it. Get over being told (and believing) that no one could love you, not even God, that you were just a big disappointment.

Being told to “get over it” (abuse) is exactly what I was told when I was a kid. It triggers those same feelings of being WRONG, being powerless and being helpless. I had no choice when I was a kid and I grew up well into my adult years not ever realizing that I did in fact have a choice.  And as a child, I bought that lie, that I was the one who was wrong.

It reminds me of when I was told that if I didn’t stop crying that I would be given something to cry about.  And I tried to accept the lie that I was crying for no reason. Again I had no choice about crying; if I kept crying I would get “something to cry about”.  And I learned not to cry. But worse than that my feelings were wrong and so I learned not to FEEL.

Then my life became a quest to avoid feeling at all and the pain started to get backed up… like a huge stinking rotting pile in the back yard that I just ignored as I continued to get sicker and sicker from avoiding it and from believing that the reason that I was struggling with depression and the past was because I couldn’t “get over it” or “deal with it”.  Round and round it goes.

Being told to “just get over it” is devaluing. It implies that I am making a mistake in processing an event. It indicates that something is wrong with ME because I am in still confused about something that has not been resolved.  The statement is emotionally abusive.  And even when it is used in a positive context, as in the example in the first paragraph, there is a negative left over from all the abuse that was forced on me in the past.

WHY is it wrong to need to have something understood or resolved in the first place?

Furthermore, people who say stuff like this don’t have any solutions; they don’t ever offer suggestions on HOW to get over it or deal with it, because they don’t know how either.  They only offer devaluing and thoughtless instructions that remind me of my childhood and how I was never right, never good enough and never entitled to my feelings or to my pain. I was not entitled to realize that I had been wronged. I was always the one who was wrong no matter what the situation was.

And once again this all began in childhood. Being conditioned this way as a child prepared me to accept that something was wrong with me, so statements like this trigger the same feelings of “not good enough” and “what is wrong with me, why can’t I just get it right?” Add that to “powerless and helpless child” and the teachings, feelings as well as the reactions have carried on into adulthood.

Until I learned that I do have rights, that I am as equally valuable as everyone else and that I AM ALLOWED to and NEED TO feel the pain of the past and get angry about it SO THAT I COULD “get over it” (which was how I did get over it) but until I embraced those truths, I was stuck in the sick dysfunctional system.

Please feel free to share your reactions.

Busting through the fog with another snap shot of truth;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

Categories : Self Esteem

164 Comments

1

people who throw words around, like, “Get over it…” are the ones who need to “get over” their own resistance to listening to and interacting with real people talking about their real lives in public or in private

2

They need to “get over” their own notions that reality can only be the elitist-type fantasy that they accept, whether it came from TV elites, religious elites, teacher elites, etc.

3

Hi Kate
You make a good point!
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

4

Oh my goodness…I remember so well being told those words “I’ll give you something to cry about”. Then, it would stop…I would stop crying. Everything seemed unreal. I knew what I would get if I did not stop crying. I could not express any of my feelings. I had to be totally subservient. I still have a problem showing how I feel. It is not as bad as it used to be…but it took a lot of hard work in therapy to be able to cry, to get angry, and to be able to NAME THE EMOTION. I was clueless about my feelings. It really is a sick thing when parents AND older siblings do this to children.

5

hi, notposted in a while but this one hit me. gosh hoe i remember being told the same thing about crying, or moving away from a punishment was not allowed ever. and as im typing im thinking of the day i finally said NO to my father. it was the day i left hoem for the 1st tiem. mmm looking back i was so sure that he wouldnt love me because i had defied his orders that i didnt seek him out for 6mths. i think it is the only time i ever remeber him saying he did love me and i was silly to have thought overwise. duh please father, your actions up til that point hadnt really made me think he did so how was i to know. i was abot 30 before i realised why i was so scared to face him. i was afraid he would admit i was finally right and he didnt love me, but no he had to make a liar out of me again. it was implied not spokenand unlike my mother, he has never outrite said i was lying or questioned my accounts. he has said he cannot remember that far back etc, but lately he has started to answer some of the things i point out in our conversation. he has always been emotionally unavailable and i got that but my mother would give and then take away her emotions as punishment or reward.
once my mother asked why i dont blame my father as much as i blame her for my childhood. i told her it was because my father had never called me a liar like she had. it was that 1 thing that stood out form everything else. the bruises faded but their words stayed with me in ways i still dont understand. not giving up and it doesnt make me a martyr just because i cannot ‘get over it’ to your timescale or standards.

6

I don’t like statements like that. Most my life I was told get over it or deal with it / let it go and more. How can one let go of sexual abuse huh. How can one just get over physical abuse huh GRRRRrrr!!!! Still to this day I hear certain phrases and it’s eats at me to the point of wantin to hurt myself for all the harm/hurt done TO me to begin with! I have a problem with folks who say those words and more…

7

I had an entire poem devoted to this topic, will see if I can locate. The very words “get over it” in ANY form continue to get under my skin to this day. Instant rage button those words are. Absolute worst way to communicate any iota of concern. Totally hostile, disrespectful, oblivious, callous disregard for victim, survivor, and ever so holier than thou know-it-all as my mother is to the bone. I doubt I will ever tolerate those words. People who resort to this often do so to appear helpful at minimal effort or investment, or to avoid admitting they cannot comprehend what we have been through. REGARDLESS, not my job to let them off the hook just because they MIGHT have good intentions. arrgh, what violence is contained in “just get over it”. virtual slap in the face !

8

I have been told to get over it many times in many different circumstances, The last time I remember been told that was when I was trying to get over a man and someone told me to just forget him , just get over it, move on but the problem was they wanted me to do it in their time , not my time,

I wasn’t getting over it as fast as they would of liked! I remember explaining to them, Everyone has their own pace in any kind of recovery don’t rush me for your own sake but they insisted it was for mine but if it was for my sake they would of supported me through my recovery and been there for me not pushed me to recover at their pace ,

Its wrong when people say this and even more wrong when your a child, I ended up withdrawing from people so I could recover at my own pace without been judged by others or having to put on a brave face to please them, I did recover but with most deep wounds scars are left behind.

9

Hi Nico, Jackie, Carol and Ian
I had a feeling that this blog post would push a few hot buttons. This is a really big issue!
Thanks for all the comments!
Hugs, Darlene

11

Amazing coincidence, this post! About 3 hours ago I posted the following comment on my Facebook wall:

~Being a somewhat intelligent, independent, STRONG woman, who has lived thru a heck of a LOT in my 58 years… I do not take ORDERS, or SHOULDS, or OUGHT-TOs. I love and welcome gentle, respectful suggestions, such as: “Well, if it were ME, I might try doing THIS”… but, when someone TELLS me “YOU SHOULD” do this or “YOU OUGHT NOT TO FEEL” that…. the Won’t-Be-Bullied part of me wants to DO THE OPPOSITE!~

RIGHT!

Lynda

12

Darlene,

I so get you (as usual)!! “Get over it” is one of the words that I hated with passion. Oh, the number of “well-meaning” people who asked me “why are you still stuck in the rut?” After a while, I decided that there’s no point defending myself, but I will still go ahead with my own pace and then when I get to the other side, it will hopefully shut their mouths up.

I also learned that I’ve got NO RIGHTS to tell people when to get to “the other side”, because I cannot be fully aware of their condition. I even had a church leader who told me that he “had been through worse than you, and if I can snap out of it why can’t you?” and it was SO devaluing! I mean, how can someone know that he’s been through worse than me? In fact, does that even matter? Aren’t my experiences MINE to interpret?

By telling me to “get over it”, they are telling me that I CHOSE to stay in depression. They couldn’t be more wrong. Not long ago, I told this same leader that I was like a shoot waiting to push from beneath the ground. Even though you don’t see the growth, doesn’t mean that it’s not happening. Today, he’s the same person who told me, “I’m proud of you”. I think he knows what I meant now.

I didn’t choose to stay depressed or anxious, I didn’t choose to continue hallucinating. But then I could choose between accelerating the process and settle for second-best recovery, or take the time to fight through it and get fully recovered. I’m glad I chose the later.

13

Hi Ruth,
Welcome to Emerging from Broken,
Yes, it is very often about their timetable. And also that whatever you are not over makes them uncomfortable.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Lynda,
I know what you mean; When I want someone to see it my way I tell them a story about a similar situation that I had and how I view it now. Someone wanting me to DO IT their way is a different story all together. I don’t just auto-trust anymore.
Thanks for sharing!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Jasmine,
My next rant will be on people that tell me that what happened to them is “way worse” then what happened to anyone else. LOL People use that as an excuse NOT to recover (I call it terminal uniqueness) and yes, others are inferring that YOU are choosing to stay in depression. And I agree that the degree of “worse” makes no difference because recovery is about the way that the abuse effected the individual. Mine is mine.
I chose the later too!
Thanks for sharing! Hugs, Darlene

14

Darlene,

One thing I noticed is that many people who asked me to “get over it” actually don’t realize that they are hindering their OWN recovery by “getting over it” too quickly. As a result, they turn to different forms of aggression and release (for guys) and more frequent depressive episodes (for females). But for me, I realized that because I had dealt with my pain properly and try to not run away from it, I’m reaping the fruits now. I still hurt, yes, but I’m less likely to allow residues of the neglected past to spill over my current emotional state. Most of all, I’ve decided that I will NEVER settle for semi-recovery simply because it seems more attractive initially.

The fact is, none of us can control what other people think or say. The only thing that we can control is whether we want to accept it or not. It’s difficult, yes, to choose to take my time in recovery…but I’ve not regretted it. In fact, at times I feel that I’m actually doing better than people who are “normal”.

15

Hmmm,
Maybe that ‘s what I am dealing with without clarity….I’m good at picking up on the attitude.. and worse, the lack of communication , as if ignoring an unpleasant person will make me go away.
When those triggers get pushed, I feel hysteria rising within..and I’m that small screaming kid wailing for attention and deliverance from those who *could*..instead as you’ve stated, Darlene, I find myself losing the ability to feel.. and callousness over-rides the pain.
Then I withdraw.. and I have not yet been to any sort of therapy, except self-discovery.
The thing I feel with your experience with the comment, “Get over it” is the dictate.. “Just DO it.” At what point do we actually move on?
I am conflicted with it..but I will not just “Do it!” I am glad you brought this out..thanks, viv

16

Yes Jasmine
and one of the things that I am getting at in this blog is that although we have a choice, we have never actually KNOWN that, (just telling me I have one didn’t make it true because I was brainwashed for so long that I didn’t have one) SO, I had to do some self validating and belief system work BEFORE I even realized / believed that I did have a choice and didn’t have to accept what other people said. So it got complicated!

Hi Vivian,
Yes, that is another reaction Viv. We all have different ways of dealing with this trigger stuff. The moving on point came for me when I dealt with my belief system; when I realized what I had been taught and what I believed because of the abuse.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

17

Hi Lynda,
Just this week, I was going to write a blog post about not letting other people stop us from enjoying the recovery relationships we have made in recovery forums such as on facebook and blogs such as this one. Part of self validation is deciding that YOU are worth doing what you need to do for yourself to recover. Having said that, if you really think that withdrawing from facebook and withdrawing from my blog is what is best for your recovery, then okay.
There will always be abusers and abuse around, but that is what the delete button is for. As for me, I would not shut down my blog or stop sharing and doing what I love to do because of someone else. My wholeness comes first; I come first. I had to learn to love myself and the only way that I could do that was by putting my foot down and putting my own needs first. As for people that disagree with me or try to tell me I am wrong, or make judgements about me, they don’t get to decide about me. How do I do it you ask? I don’t engage.
I hope that this helps Lynda; my intention is only to encourage you.
Hugs, Darlene

18

PS~ Darlene, FYI, the more I think about it, I’m pretty sure that I “met” this abusive wolf-in-sheep’s clothing person, through my OWN blog, and not through EFB, because she friended me via the facebook link that I had posted on my blog wall. I have also deleted that facebook link.

I am now going to go hide under the covers, (kidding!)

Lynda

19

Darlene, I just now saw your comment #18 to me. Thank you. I will have to ponder your words.

It’s harder to decide these things when you are literally running a fever, like I have been, off and on, for days. That’s why I did not pull the plug on facebook last night, I knew I needed to wait until I am calm, and not sick, before deciding.

One more thing I wanted to say, I agree so much with you and Jasmine, that it is not right at all when people try to tell us that they had it so much worse than us. How do they KNOW ~ they are not US!

My mother used to tell me this all the time… that she had it so much worse than me. Which was a crock.

20

Darlene,

My sister says it this way, “Kick yourself in the butt, and get over it!” That’s what she told me that I should do when I tried to tell her that I finally figured out what happened to me as a kid was sexual abuse and not all my fault. She said that I talked about ‘it’ all of the time which really isn’t true because there is still a lot that I’ve never said outloud to anyone.

The worst thing that my parents did to me was to objectify me. The worst thing they didn’t do was to love me unconditionally with a love that was for my good and not their pleasure only. The worst thing they taught me was that my future life depended upon pleasing a man. The worst thing they neglected to teach me was to honor and love myself.

I was very much in love with the second man who abused me after I left home. Maybe I should say the second man who owned me because that was the typed of male/female relationship that had been modeled to me and was what I expected. This man convinced me to have an ‘open’ relationship. It was the 70’s afterall. He said it would turn him on for me to be with other men. I wanted this man to love me and he said he did. If he loved me then he must own me so I did as he said. I really only wanted to be with him but I did not want to lose him. Looking back on it as an adult, I am sure he was getting money for letting other men use me but I didn’t see that at all at the time.

I completely lost my ability to say ‘no’ for a time. I was fully objectified after this experience as I moved from abused to exploited. Any self-esteem I had was in being a man pleasing object. I moved as I was directed to move.

I spent over 30 years kicking myself in the butt over this one and I’m still not really over it. When you have completely lost yourself how can you get over anything?

I spent too many years kicking the wrong butt.

21

What you write is so on target that it is making me cringe. I’ve been told to get over it many, many times; Told I have to “isolate it and put it in a box. Put it away, don’t think about it, you can’t use that as an excuse for everything, why can’t you just put it in the past? you like to wallow in it, don’t you.” Do you think for one bloody second that I wouldn’t like to get beyond it? I have no friends, no family to speak of, I missed the joy of having children I’m dead broke and consider my life a loss. Yea! I’d bloody well love not to WALLOW in it. As if I had a choice. As if I could just turn off a light over the torture and the rape and worst the palpable realization that my parents let it happen (and then tell me to get over it). From day one, my mother has made me feel like there was something wrong with me for suffering through the effects of something that she let happen. Something that even if she didn’t outright condone, she must have been at least aware of – parents are omnipotent to a 10 year old you know.

I’ve gotten carried away because I’m angry. Angry at my rapist for stealing my life and angry at those who condemn me to continued hell by telling me to just get over it.

22

Hi Brad!
Welcome to emerging from broken! It is so great to hear from you!
~~ Readers, Brad and I plus Patricia Singleton who comments on here all the time, are all on the radio show “conversations live with Cyrus Webb” on May 31st. so stay tuned for that!

What an awesome comment too! (did anyone ever tell you HOW to isolate it and put it in a box?? I didn’t think so…….
Thank you for sharing and for posting additional statements that are SO horribly common and used to further control and abuse.
So glad that you are here,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Pam!
This is a wonderful share! I was also raised with my identity being “for a man” and I also went from being owned by my mother, (my father didn’t care in the first place) to being owned by men so I totally relate to what you are saying. I like your question ~ because the answer is included in it! You wrote: “When you have completely lost yourself how can you get over anything?” and the answer for me was “BY FINDING MYSELF”. and that is what I am writing about here on EFB. How I found myself, how I faced the history and took my life back, validated myself, that it did happen and that I had a right to be hurt, and angry and that I had been abused and it was not my fault and that I never did anything to deserve that. I figured out my belief system and set it straight and I found myself.
Thanks so much for your comments Pam…
Hugs, Darlene

23

The person who told me to “just put it in a box” is my sister-in-law, a psychiatrist who deals with abused children. When I asked her how to :just put it in a box” she said she didn’t know how but that I had to find a way. She also told me that the kids she was dealing with came around and where doing so much better I was (with the implication that I was just wallowing). I wanted to ask her to follow up on those kids and see if they were so wonderful in 20 years. But of course, I didn’t.

I grown tired of standing mute at other peoples direction. I grow tired of letting other people tell me how I should fell. I was raped and tortured for the better part of ten years. You are a bloody idiot if you think that that is not going to have an effect that lasts a lifetime, whether I am wallowing or not!

24

Wow Brad,
Well her telling you to put it in a box wasn’t very helpful then was it? One thing that I would like to say about kids who have parents who actually take them or let them go to a psychiatrist is that usually those parents are also supportive of the kids. (my mother would not even believe me never mind get me some help) So for one thing right off the bat, we are dealing with a whole different world then the one most of us talk about in this blog. Having said that, there are plenty of really bad therapists and MH professionals out there who actually cause further damage and because Kids are kids and they have been groomed, and victimized already, they have this willingness to please adults, even their doctors… so…….. who knows??
We need to grow tired so that we can get on with the truth!
Hugs, Darlene

25

Being told to get over it really presses my buttons too. We need to feel our feelings, and we need to tell our stories – sometimes over and over again until they have been purged. That’s not wallowing, that’s how we heal. Would they tell a cancer patient to “just get over it”?

26

Darlene, I hope you won’t mind if I share parts of our conversation on my blog (just our conversation, not any others who have commented here, I don’t like to use people’s words without their permission). Thanks, Brad

27

I tell clients “GET OVER IT” is abuse. Period. You do NOT have to take that from anyone. Friends (not), Family, CoWorkers – it’s abuse and invalidating.

Darlene you may like this: http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/victim.html

28

Brad – as Alice Miller said “FEELINGS BURIED ALIVE NEVER DIE.”

…no matter how bulletproof that ‘box’ might be.

Just because others find the abuse and your feelings uncomfortable; that’s their problem not ours. People who bury feelings for years (like me) end up with C-PTSD, autoimmune problems, etc. It eats you alive… literally.

29

Exactly Carolyn!
It is crazy that people tell other people to just get over it! Crazy.
Hugs, Darlene

Brad,
Yes, please feel free to share our conversations on your blog. I look forward to reading what you write and thank you for asking me.
Hugs, Darlene

To others who wish to highlight things going on here, please include a live link to Emerging from Broken, Please don’t use names of commenters, and please do not copy whole blog posts as that is a violation of copy right laws. Thanks!

30

Barbara, I so agree with you that burying our emotions eats us alive. Besides all the emotional landfill that I had to start clearing up, I also developed thrombocytopenia (low blood platelets), which is autoimmune and there is no known cause (and hence, no cure). Sometimes, I still wonder if this can even be reversed once I handle my emotions…

31

I have had low platelets, as has my sister and dad. I saw that they returned to normal years ago when (less than ten years ago) I took a certain nutritional supplement, a soy-based shake (which I don’t recommend) called Reliv. I have been taking supplements for 20 years.
I don’t use Reliv now, but take supplements for my adrenals, thyroid and hormones, immune and colon as Dave Frahm suggests. He would be worth looking up on facebook as a friend.

32

Kate, thanks for the suggestion…but at this moment I just don’t want to care about it, LOL. As long as it doesn’t go below the level where treatment is needed (I’ll opt for a transfusion over steroids any day!), I don’t feel like doing anything more than going for my regular checkups (next one’s in two days…yelps!). Yeah, doctors are much more paranoid than I am.

But I do believe that it has got very much to do with stress, depression and trauma. After all the years of keeping everything bottled up and undealt with…these are just some of the consequences…

33

Darlene, how I bless you for sharing your healing journey here! Once again, you’ve hit a bullseye in my heart. I recently took down the sticker on my wall that said, “Just do it.” — Looking back, I truly felt condemned every time I looked at it. I’ve taken some serious hits in my life recently — like the tornado in the Wizard of Oz — I was caught up and cast back into the chaos of my childhood.

Brad, I know about those boxes. You should see my house. It’s wall-to-wall boxes. I’ve simply partitioned off the years and put the hurt away — to the point that I’ve truly boxed myself in — and I’ve been dying to get out.

Now, at nearly 60, I’ve become so sick and tired and being sick and tired and used and abused — that I should probably list “recluse” as my occupation. However, the survivor spirit (that Darlene and Fi and Lynda and EVERYONE here — please forgive me — you each deserve to be named — you are ALL so valuable to me) somehow gave me the courage to come back to this haven, EFB, this sanctuary. I’ve read your posts, and I’ve relived your pain, and my pain —

And once again, I’ve found some hope. I feel like that little seed that somehow finds a toehold in a crack in some boulder or some sidewalk — and receives just enough light and water and nutrients — and somehow is able to sprout — and if, somehow, it continues to receive just enough support — it will begin to grow. And better yet, if it receives some tender care — perhaps it can truly begin to flourish.

I truly have felt so emptied in my soul recently to the point where I could not give one more iota to anyone who required anything of me. In my failure to not successfully, “Just do it,” I’d become so sick in body and spirit, I finally decided I deserved to be well (once upon a time I was married to a narcissist physician who so abused me I haven’t been to the doctor for years). . . and I made a doctor’s appointment and had a physical. I’m going to beat this autoimmune, stress-induced awfulness (ladies, I read what you said up above– I hear you). I’m going to stop trying to kill my self with overeating, and eat right and get some fresh air and exercise (if I can overcome my fear of the neighbors). I’ve made the appointment to see a new therapist. . . I think having been reduced to such a low point in my life, I may be able to actually hear my own heart and mind tell me what I really need (I’ve isolated myself so, there’s very little background noise if I turn off the TV)–

Doesn’t mean I won’t still sleep with the light on, or won’t need my fuzzy blanket. I’ve spent 50 years, trying to “Just do it.” Easier said than done. Nobody bothered to give that dear little 5-year-old the skills to do anything much beyond tying her shoes. Every other life skill I’ve gained has been pretty much stumbled upon . . . And here at EFB there is such encouragement, stories of healing, and LIFE. Here, it seems, real Life is possible!

To overcome, and turn my present life into something blooming, after all the sickness and shame — what a gift that would be for my kids and grandkids. I want them to remember their gramma happy and whole — with a life worth sharing.

Thank you everyone. You are lights in my life! You are a blessing!

34

Ultralite,
I can relate to your triggers about doctors. I have similar triggers with certain professions, religious, to name one. What a blessing to get them out of my life. I am dreading the day that one of my parents dies and I am expeccted to attend the funeral, which, will of course, be conducted by a group with whom I no longer associate. This group had a huge impact on my life. My husband and I brainstormed about how to answer the inevitable interrogation. When the “pastor” asks me, “How is your walk with the Lord?” The answer? “I am one step ahead of you.” or, “God and I are doing great, especially since we got rid of His imposters!”

And I get your feeling about neighbors as well. I just read that a lack of sun exposure can contribute to MS, so, out in the sun I go, neighbors, or no!! I do tend to ignore people in general more than I used to. When I was married to a Narc., I had a hard time focusing just on my business, since he had no constructive focus.

35

“God and I are doing great, especially since we got rid of His imposters/impersonators!”

36

decades later STILL “getting over it” …. so much anger to process, old guilt to dismantle, years of lies to destroy, garbage to unlearn, a life to rebuild, you are right, “get over it” IS ABUSE. is never okay to say that. [in any ordinary situation I can think of].

37

Hello Ultralite,
What a beautiful comment ~ thank you so much. When I recovered, I emerged with this passion to inspire hope for healing in others. Not just for getting by, but for real freedom and wholeness. Comments like yours validate that passion in me ~ that my site and my words are making a difference. This journey is not simple, easy but in the end and looking back it was exhausting to stay in the fog too. Today I have energy to spare, and I feel alive, so it was worth the struggle. I am so glad you are here.
Thank you,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Kate,
People do bring up the “God” statements as another way of inferring abusive observations. I have been there too.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Ian
Yes, It is never okay to tell someone that. Not in that way.
Hugs, Darlene

38

Darlene,

Thanks. I guess finding myself is what I’ve been trying to do all of my life and I think I’ve come much closer the last few years. I know this is true because five years ago, I didn’t even understand that part of my life or what had happened to me let alone have the courage to talk about it.

39

I can’t add anything that hasn’t already been said, but your article and the comments are SO dead on with how I’ve lived my life. Denial of feelings, emotions, so much so that I became dead inside. Now, at nearly 60 years old, I’m struggling to bring back all those things that are so deeply buried within so I can work through them in order to get to the other side. It makes me so heartsick to think of all the years of my life that have passed by living in such a state that has done nothing but rob me of so many of life’s joys! As I mentioned in response to your Mother’s Day post, that huge length of string thrown into the air and landing in a heap on the ground seemingly has no ends. My therapist wants to use schema therapy with me but I can’t even dig deeply enough to figure out what my feelings are in response to the questions that set the stage for beginning the healing and recovery process! Ugh!

40

Oh, Ingie. . . I’m right there with you. One childhood memory I have is unraveling yards of kite string. . . I don’t know where or why I had the patience but over and over, hour upon hour I would work (and I was a little kid when I did this) until, finally, there would be a neat ball of string where before there were miles and miles of snags and tangles . . .

And Ian. . . I wish I knew where all the anger went . . . seems it was never okay for me to have any . . . it was okay to be “hurt” or upset, but not angry. I recognize it when I see it in other folks, but it sure is a foreign substance to me. . .

‘Tis a puzzlement. . .

41

“Hey, if that is the worst problem you have, then you’ve got it made!” And you can count on the fact that we will not be discussing this issue, no, we are not capable of that.

Yeah, thanks for letting me know that you don’t want to hear anything that matters to me!

Why does someone else need to determine that something is my worst problem before it is worth even hearing about? Well, they don’t.

They just don’t want to hear from me at all, and they want me to not trust myself, but to see them as more powerful and to be obeyed.

IOW, I didn’t even have a problem or perceptions of anything, or a brain at all. I was not allowed to know or Mind My Own Business!!

And then by junior high, the other parent told me that I didn’t have a brain in my head, could NOT learn and was stupid. Untrue. A competent eye doctor might have been helpful, though, so that I could see up close and I might have been able to work the sewing machine, and in the kitchen, not to mention school work, etc.

“If that is your biggest problem…” had to be one of the most common pieces of the emotional abuse liturgy, and one that I learned to repeat to myself, and am still undoing today. This one has got to go!!

42

Hi All,

Darlene…you never cease to amaze me at getting to the core of an issue. I completely understood what you were saying…and yes, statements like that are so utterly irritating….when something is shoved in my face I don’t care what it is..I will take the other route…I always thought it was because I was difficult and stubborn like I was told I was….and I may be those things but I am that way because life was shoved down my throat and every bad thing others did was okay…at the expense of me….truly atrocious the ways in which some “adults” conduct their business and leave their children to pay for their misdeeds….it breaks my heart….but the upside is that it can be overcome….I fight the fight everyday…..and I see that you have come out victorious so, there is no reason for me to not keep moving forward one slow step at a time.

One more thing I want to add is that statements like deal with it or get over it are really triggering to me and make me feel the need to protect myself.

43

In response to ‘get over it,’ or looking for a quick ‘God can fix it,’ I led a ‘Safe Church Sunday’ service this past Sunday. I know first hand how difficult it can be to let go of the shame and trauma of abuse, particularly when the abuse is in a religious context. Here’s a link to the sermon that many people have told me was very helpful to them re: healing in a healthy community.

http://www.pilgrimucc.org/audio/20110515_PowerOfVulneramunity.m4a

44

Hi Jaime. . . don’t suppose there is somewhere you can post the text of your sermon? Honestly, I don’t think I can handle audio — but I would like to read the sermon. God and I are working through some issues these days . . . and your input may be valuable. TY– Ultra

45

Jenny,

I agree. Those are fightin’ words. :0/

46

Darlene; you said: Until I learned that I do have rights, that I am as equally valuable as everyone else and that I AM ALLOWED to and NEED TO feel the pain of the past and get angry about it SO THAT I COULD “get over it” (which was how I did get over it) but until I embraced those truths, I was stuck in the sick dysfunctional system.”

Yup.

This weekend I had an experience that at first sent me spinning back to that place of “what did I do wrong?”.

Until I recognized that I was sharing my pain with someone who had not yet exeprienced their own. In this context it was vital for this person to convince me that I had to change my language, to stop “blaming” ie PUTTING THE RESPONSIBILITY WITH THOSE WHO HAD ABUSED ME.

In the beginning I fell into the old circular arguments that left me spinning as every time I replied or explained what I meant by what I said, the conversation would spin off in another direction as this person validated that she was right to insist that I CHANGE IN ORDER FOR HER TO BE OK. She needed me to use the language of “taking responsibility” for what had happened to me in order for her to “hear me”.

Thank god for this place where I can come to be reminded that it is not my job to hide my pain in order to make others “ok”.

Whew. 🙂

47

Oh that old threat and lie, “What are you crying about? I’ll GIVE you something to cry about…” and all the others which would like to require us, as wounded children and healing adults, to listen to their lies: get over it, it wasn’t that bad, you have no idea what you are talking about…

I don’t understand why in life we are expecting each thing we go through to have a clear start, process, and ending with tidy strings and straight corners. Life, lived and alive, is messy, dirty, crazy, fun, amazing and ultimately not meant to be lived by lies but by life!

Truly I believe that the more someone asserts they are ‘over IT’ the less they really are, and they are putting a lot of energy into that belief without doing the work and finding out that IT is a moving target and one that is not worth the gunpowder to shoot at.

Thank you for this post Darlene, it helped me to shed the last of the ‘get over it’s’ with a healing scrubbie and a dose of my messy life.

48

Lynda,
The person who you were speaking about did read your words here and she is just as upset as you are. (I had to delete her comments.) I Am only not deleting yours becasue you have not indicated to others who you are talking about, however, I am asking you to stop posting about that particular situation here. Both of you are part of this healing journey and my blog, and I am not going to let my healing blog be the vehilcle you use you fight with each other now. If you want to sort it out, please unblock each other from facebook and sort it out. If you don’t want to sort it out, that is fine too, but the way that I see it is that the fight is being kept on going here on EFB. My priority is to have this be a safe place for everyone. I know that this is a tough situation, and normally I would not ask this, but in this case I am asking you to stop posting about it here.
Hugs, Darlene

49

Darlene, I agree with you. I have not seen this person posting here for a while, so I did not know if this person was still reading here.

Yes, it hurts. I was writing about it here, because I have found this to be a healing place to write about these things. I will not write about it here again.

Lynda

50

Hi Ingie,
Grieving for the childhoods that we lost is such a huge thing, and then also grieving for the adult years too, but I have to tell you, about 2 years into to my “freedom” feelings, I realized HEY, I have the rest of my life, and I am going to make it count! After I allowed the grieving process, I felt a lot better!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Kate,
Yes, these are all good points. It is as though people speak as robots, and don’t have a CLUE what the effects or meaning of what they are saying is…
Thanks for sharing,
hugs,

Hi Jenny
YES, I too thought it was ME. that is exactly what I am talking about. I thought that it was my defect, just like they always said it was.
Those statements trigger me too, that is why I wrote the post.. it was funny, on the same day this week, someone wrote that to someone else in my blog (which I dealt with) and then I saw the “god likes you, a lot, deal with it” on twitter. And I LOVE the book they referred to. and I knew it wasn’t an abusive statement at least not intentionally, but it bugged me and I knew very well why, so I wrote this post.
Thanks for being here!
Hugs, Darlene

51

Darlene… please delete all of my comments regarding the problem I had with someone else who occasionally posts here on EFB!! I don’t want to cause any more problems for anyone, and I agree that this blog needs to be a HEALING PLACE for ALL.

THANK YOU!!

Lynda

52

Hi Susan
My daughter is going through this at school this week! Her friends insist that the abuser should be excused. And yes Susan it is about what they are used to; because victims “believe” that it is safer if it is our fault, if we take blame and responsibility. (and when we are kids it is safer to do that… but we aren’t kids anymore!)
Love your input as always!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Shanyn,
Thanks for sharing your victory here!! YAY this is great news!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Lynda,
Thank you for understanding my position.
Hugs, Darlene

53

Lynda,
At your request, I have now removed them. Thank you for your understanding, I appreciate it so much!
Hugs, Darlene

54

Our poor little Australian Cattle Dog can not “Get Over It!”

Just as I finished posting my request to you, Darlene, our sweet dog, Lady, whom we adopted from a no-kill rescue organization over FOUR YEARS AGO, and we have loved and pampered and adored and “spoiled” her every day, ever since… our sweet dog Lady began SOBBING in her sleep. She was found as a puppy, abandoned, injured, and half-starved. She was taken in by the rescue organization, and they had her for 6 months, during which time she was adopted, and then brought back, “many many times,” due to her “bad behavioral issues.”

My husband and I took her home in February, 2007. Her “bad behavioral issues,” we quickly recognized, was due to her being so severely abused, traumatized, injured, neglected, and then abandoned… over and over again.

Today, Lady is a happy, healthy, beautiful dog. Yet she STILL cries and sobs in her sleep alomst daily, sometimes several times a day. When we hold her and soothe her awake, then she looks at us with her heart-stoppingly-beautiful soulful brown eyes, and she MOANS and she GROWLS and she tries to tell us all about it, while we tell her that she is a GOOD GIRL and we LOVE her and she is OURS FOREVER, and she will NEVER be hurt by BAD PEOPLE AGAIN.

However long it takes her to CRY, that’s how long she needs to cry. Get over it? I only wish she COULD….. so that SHE wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.

55

HURRAAAY for the delete button, Darlene!

Now, if only real life had one of those…

🙂

HUGS,
Lynda

56

Sometimes real life does have one of those Lynda…. LOL
😉

Oh and I just thought of this too… THIS IS REAL LIFE! and it is all part of the learning process..

57

Uhm… Darlene, you may want to also delete my comment #47 here. Or maybe my computer is still showing it, even though it’s gone? I’m not sure how that works, not techie enough..

58

Fine Minds, Darlene… as soon as I posted that about “Real Life,” I said to myself, “Wait a minute… this IS real life.”

I really like you, Darlene.

LOVE,
Lynda

59

I was suddenly reminded of an old wound (wow, can’t believe it’s been 4.5 years!) in which I was brutally hurt and abused by church leaders. Not only did they refused to admit what they did, they also blamed me for “blaming the wrong person” (actually, I did not blame ANYONE; I just wrote on my blog that I’ve been told who did it – no names mentioned, it was the guilty who started avoiding me! Ha!), and then kept on pressuring me to “stop being angry and get over it”. When I kept on wanting to sit down and discuss the issue upfront, I was told that I was banned from youth meetings.

Everyone had expected me to “give in” and “forgive” simply because they were leaders. I was expected to swallow up the hurt and it was MY fault that I “couldn’t get over it”. I’m glad that at that point of time, I realized that I have the right to want to settle things well and it was THEM who were immature. I also realized that even if I have forgiven them, I don’t have to want a relationship ever again. Reconciliation does NOT mean reunion!

Recently, Mum told me that she bumped into one of the abusers who initiated her “guilt” and wanted to see me. Oh right, though I was glad in the beginning…I’m not so sure if I can trust anymore. Plus, she asked me to go to HER house. If you really want to settle things with me, aren’t you supposed to come to MY house? I remember the last time I went to one of their houses to talk about this, I was so badly trashed and hurt. NO WAY am I going to allow such abuse to happen ever again!

60

Growing up I never had a voice. I truely beleive if they could have killed me or left me some where or had the guts to do it they would have.I was told I was hated so much i became numb to it. I had no voice at all I just exisisted. I was kept around for a so called brothers sexual partner. It was neve r “said” just that when he used me I wa ssuppose to say nothing. Then everyone in the family knew so then I was hit, spit on beaten for what he did. When I finally got a voice I was told that Im saying that stuff for attention, or i was an embarresment. No matter what I did it was wrong I finally said “F***” them, I got to do what I have to do.
For all those that know my story on Molly I had to take her in for a C-Section. My little girl had 4 Boys and 1 Girl. One of the boys died 🙁 Molly was in shock and I thought she would reject the puppies. She is trying to be a good mommy.
Thank you all,
Renee

61

“Just get over it” is one sentence that will still send me into a rant too. Over the past several years I have written 2 different posts on this topic. The first time that I was told to just get over it was in a 12-Step meeting by a couple of Adult Children that had incest issues themselves that were unresolved. They wanted me to stop talking because they wanted to stay in denial of their own issues. Since I refused to be silenced, they both quit coming to meetings shortly after that. Each time that I have been told to shut up and just get over it was by a person with their own issues that they were in denial of. They often don’t want to rock the boat of their own lives. Well, I am a boat rocker. I was silent for way too long as a child and as a young adult. Silence is what enables incest to keep happening.

62

I have an evil aunt who still does the crap to us that our parents USED to do. It’s like ‘They’re dead, so she decided she has to take over where they left off.’
She made a threat ‘to beat the shit out of anyone who says our mom abused us.’
I didn’t realize until 10 minutes ago that she was talking about me-she can’t even use my name while she talks about beating me to a pulp-and she found out b/c my stupid brother tells her everything I say and do. I’m surprised he hasn’t told her the color and consistency my daily shits, if you’ll pardon the ugliness of the statement.
They think they have to tell her EVERY damn thing.
I have to go to work now, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue doing “healing work” if someone’s threatening my bodily safety without naming names. B/c she knows names will make a call to the police work. They won’t do shit if you tell them she never used your name.
She’s not only a bully; she’s the biggest coward I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

63

Hi Jasmine,
Yes, people tell us how to feel and what to do. And when we have been used to that as children, it is hard to realize when other people do that it is WRONG.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Renee,
That is exactly what this whole thing is about, isn’t it? That we never had a voice and were never valued for the right reasons. This is the bottom line and also the beginning place to begin recovery. Realizing that and going out from there. I was constantly told that I was always trying to get attention. That is so devaluing.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Patricia,
Exactly, THEY want you to stop talking about it so THEY don’t have to face their own reality. People go to therapy and won’t talk about their own reality because they are so afraid of the pain of facing it. round and round it goes.
Thanks for sharing, and good for you!
hugs, Darlene

Vicki,
I am sorry to hear you say that you might discontinue healing work because of an abuser. Isn’t that what our whole lives have been about? We have been help back and held down by other people?
Please think about what you are saying. There are laws about people beating the shit out of other people. (in fact even that threat is reportable)
Hugs, Darlene

64

Vicki, I want to add my voice to Darlene’s. I would miss you very much if you left this forum!

((HUGS))
Lynda

65

PS~ Vicki, and Darlene, on this topic of us posting comments here that others may read about or later learn about and then get upset or angry about:

I’ve been looking deeply into my heart, last night and again this morning, saying to myself: “One of my personal mottoes is ‘FEAR NO TRUTH.’ So, what is the Whole Truth here? When I post a comment on Darlene’s blog, or post on my own blog, or even on my facebook wall, about a situation that has caused me PAIN… what is my motive? Do I, even partially, have the motive of commenting because I hope that a particular person will read it? Do I, even partially, post my comments with the intention of wanting to ‘Show Someone’ or ‘Get Back’ at anyone? Do I ONLY post these things online, because I want to talk out, and work through, my Pain? OR, do I sometimes have a more ‘sinister,’ hidden agenda, of wanting to ‘get back’ at someone, such as my seemingly-narcissistic sister who hurt me very badly on facebook several months ago?”

I’ve been giving this some deep, serious thought, because I really want to KNOW. I consider myself a truly kind, and caring person… in fact, I know that is what I am. But, I am also human. I am imperfect, as are all humans. And, when I am in a lot of pain… and also running a fever, as I have been, off and on, for about 2 weeks now… it is hard for me to “think straight.”

It has been bothering me that my anwer to this soul-searching is a wishy-washy “I Don’t Know.” I really do not KNOW for sure. At first glance, my thought was, “NO, I don’t ever post about things or people or situations that have hurt me, because I hope they will read about it or hear about it and then I’ve “gotten back” at them… I post about these things online simply because, unlike my Combat Veteran husband, there is NO support group within 100 miles or more of where I live, for non-veterans with PTSD, or other traumatic abuse issues. I have searched, both online and by asking my local doctor for recommendations, and the answer was that there is NOTHING here for people like me. It was suggested that I might try starting a support group on my own… but I feel too vulnerable, too still-broken, too embarrassingly Thin-Skinned, to take on a responsibility such as that!

14 years ago, when I was in my mid-forties and going to nursing school, after I was given the dubious “honor” of being elected Class President, I quickly discovered that the TARGET of EVERYBODY’s DISCONTENT, is the person at the TOP of any organization.

I was not strong enough to handle it. By the end of nursing school, the majority of my fresh-out-of-high-school fellow nursing students, who initially had LOVED me in the beginning, all seemed to HATE me, for one reason or another… basically I did not live up to their expectations of what a Class President should be, I guess. I’m STILL a bit wounded, and very puzzled, by what went wrong there. So, NO, I do not want to start, or to head, any organization of any kind, ever again.

I have searched for Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, or even Alanon, or Codependent meetings, thinking that their general principals would help me with my recovery… but again, there are none within 100 miles of my physical home. In fact, I think the nearest are in the city of Albuquerque, which is almost 200 miles away.

I AM very lucky that I have my wonderful loving understanding Best-Friend-Husband, whom I’ve been married to for almost 7 years. Since we both have been diagnosed with PTSD, he understands me and I understand him. But, I try not to burden him with everything.

I am also very lucky that, for the past 14 months, I have a neighbor next door who is nearly my age, and she is very much like me, in that she was badly traumatized and broken by past years of domestic abuse. She told me on my recent birthday that I am her best and ONLY friend, and I thank GOD that we lost our old house, and ended up living next door to this wonderful couple. However, my next-door neighbor seems to be much more broken than I am, at this point in her life. She has never had the kind of healing that I have had, because she was so badly traumatized that she has been too afraid to ever go to a therapist. She also does not have a computer or know the first thing about getting online. So, I feel that she leans on me, but I don’t feel that I can do too much leaning on her.

EFB, and my own (neglected!) blog, and facebook, are all I really have to go to, when I am hurting. I do not use my real full name here, nor do I use my full name on my blog, or on my main facebook account. I use only my first and middle names. I set it up that way, on purpose, after my sister hurt me so badly by her open posts on facebook, last October. I was so badly hurt, that I was literally right on the brink of being suicidal… I didn’t feel quuite suicidal enough to actually do something that would cause me to die, but I definitely was thinking and feeling like I “wished God would just take me” ~ and that SCARED ME!!! A lot!!! (It scared my husband a lot, too.)

That’s why I did a desperate search online for HELP, and the biggest help I found, was here on Darlene’s blog. The help I have found here, gave me the courage to go back on facebook… I had deleted my facebook account entirely, after my sister’s hurtful posts about me… and, the help I have found here on Darlene’s EFB, also gave me the courage to start my own blog, where, like Darlene, I am boldy “COMING OUT OF THE CRAZY CLOSET” by telling the truth about my “crazy labels,” my history of abuse, and my history of being in a mental institution.

WAIT~ I mean, Darlene has never, to my knowledge been in a mental institution! But she has been labeled, in the past, with DID and other things, and speaks very bravely and openly about her history of abuse and BROKENNESS, so that she can now help others to heal 100%, as she has… that is what I want my blog to do, to tell my truth, without shame or censor, and be a guiding light of affirmation and encouragement for others who have been hurt, as I have been.

Unlike Darlene, I can not (yet!) say that I am 100% healed and symptom-free…. I can only say that I am approx. 70% healed from the way I was, when I was at my “sickest.” I believe that is OK, I am not ashamed of that. I think I am right where I am supposed to be at this moment, given my extensive truama history, and my lack of really good therapuetic help and support, for all but a few months several years ago when I had the money and the means to get some good therapy. I believe with all my heart that I have no reason to be ashamed, or to beat myself up in any way, for not being more fully HEALED, at this point in my life… on the contrary, I KNOW, deep down inside, that I have every reason to be PROUD of how far I have come!! Just knowing THAT, is a Big healing Break-Through for me!!

When something new happens to hurt me, like when my sister, whom I thought really cared about me, at least half as much as I cared for her, posted those hurtful messages about me on facebook for all the world to see, a few months ago… when my sister said to one of her facebook friends, that her eldest sister Lynda “has PTSD, and is weird, and no big loss”…. that was a HUGE TRIGGER for my PTSD. That took me right back to the child Lynda who could NEVER be good enough to please her mother, or for her mother to even LIKE her. That took me right back to the mother who literally Threw Me Away when I was 14, telling me that I was “crazy like your father,” and that “no house is big enough for two women.”

These types of hurtful events, reopen my old wounds, and TEMPORARILY set me back, in my healing process. Like Darlene has said, the re-wiring comes undone, and reverts back to the old, WRONG, default position ~ Temporarily.

But, HURRAY, it is getting much better for me. I revert back to the old faulty default beliefs less and less, as I progress in my healing. And, when the relapses happen, I don’t stay stuck there for long anymore. Instead of being bowled over emotionally for a whole year, or a whole couple of months, I am now getting it down to just a couple of DAYS!! WOW!! This truth-telling WORKS!!!

Eventually I hope to be like some of the others here, and have my relapse down to only a few seconds, before the TRUTH OF WHO LYNDA REALLY IS, kicks back into gear. Lynda is NOT SOMEONE who EVER deserves to be abused or bullied or put down or THROWN AWAY and treated like I am “No Big Loss.” That IS the TRUTH. I know that, today!

When I went back on a few months ago, facebook, I used only my first and middle names. And I did not connect with ANY family members, on my new, middle-name-only facebook account. I also did not use my real last names on my blog, nor put my real last name here, on EFB. I chose to do it that way, because I really DON’T want the DRAMA of my sister, or of any former abuser, reading my very open and honest and heart-felt posts.

Because of this, I don’t think that I am posting stuff to be vindictive to anyone in any way. I believe that I am only doing it as a way to help me help from my hurts. I think….!?!

Like my brilliant 19-year-old granddaughter likes to say, “Comprehension Fail.” Meaning… I don’t really, fully, KNOW, for 100% SURE. I may have a deeper, UNconscious motive… ??

But… here is my conclusion, after pondering this question since yesterday afternoon… I think that maybe it is OK, if I don’t know for sure, and if I have a little mixed motive sometimes, about, for example, my posts on my Coming Out of the cRaZy Closet blog. When a person has been blindsided by somebody, and treated the way my sister treated me, or like Vicki’s aunt from hell is treating her, with her thinly veiled threat about beating the crap out of Vicki for simply Telling Her Own Life Story ~ I think it is ok if a small part of me does hope that my sister might read something that I have posted somewhere, and have her eyes opened enough to feel bad about what she did that hurt me! YES, that is the truth ~ I do want my sister to feel bad… WHY? Because she made ME feel very bad, out of the blue, with no provocation, when all I was doing was sending her sweet, funny, and deeply loving messages. And she didn’t even apologize, when I told her that her hurtful posts about me to her friend had shown up in my messages and in my newsfeed, I did not go snooping and looking for them, they just came right to m. Not only didn’tmy sister respond with an apology, she actually responded by posting some things that hurt me Even More!

However, I doubt if my family of origin will ever read my posts here. I am pretty sure that my sister has never heard of Emerging From Broken. Also, I have my privacy settings on my no-last-name facebook set for Friends Only, so that no non-friends can see what I post there.

The thing is… I still love my sister. I was nearly 7 when she was born, and I was the kind of little girl who loved playing Mommy to her baby dolls. When I suddenly went from being a lonely-only child, to having twin baby sisters to play Mommy to, I LOVED it.. I loved THEM. They were like my own, first children. (Something in my heart DEEPLY ACHED, when I wrote that last sentence.)

I even love my really horribly sick, hellishly abusive mother, who is now 76. I still have love in my heart for all of my family of origin. Yet ~ I do want those who have hurt me to feel bad enough, that they will be SORRY for having hurting me. I do want them to feel just badly enough, that they will get a small taste of how bad they made me feel. But, I really, truly, do not want to flood them with bad feelings that will cause them to hate themselves, and to want to DIE… even though that is exactly how their abuse towards me, made ME feel ~ and when I told them that, they did not CARE! (MY MOTHER ACTUALLY TOLD ME TO “GO AHEAD AND DO IT,” WHEN I WAS 16 AND FEELING SUICIDAL, right after I had been released from my nearly 2-year stay in an insane asylum, and my mother was telling me to do her a favor and Run Away From Home… since no house was big enough for two “women!!”)

If my main, primary goal was to DEVASTATE either my mother or my sister or anyone else, then I surely would have written that long letter to my mother, and sent it to both my mother and my sister, a long time ago, telling them every single thing they ever did to hurt me, and just how badly it hurt. I am still trying to make myself write that letter to my mother, for the sake of my OWN healing… but, I really do worry that my mother would become unhinged if I send it to her and she reads it, since she has been widowed for over a year now, and she does not do ALONE very well…. SO, maybe I will never send it. I will have to pray and search my heart, after I write it, for ME, before I decide whether to send it.

I will close this lengthy novelette with this: yesterday I saw a quote on my daughter’s facebook wall (she is on my family account, where I do use my last name, and where I don’t write about trauma issues; I keep my 2 sets of FB friends, seperate). Here is what my daughter’s quote says:

“The truth doesn’t hurt unless it ought to” B. C. Forbes

Yes! Exactly! Fear No Truth!!

Lynda

66

Since my phone died a sudden (and terrible) death being online is the only way I can communicate for the next four days.

Darlene,
You mentioned how saying “Get over it is devaluing.”
You should have been with me the time a so-called survivor of a homicide victim told me “You stop being victim by choosing to stop being a victim.”
“How do you choose it?” I asked.
“You just do,” she replied.
I thought that was the dumbest damned answer I’d ever heard in my life, especially since she was sitting there in judgment of me, then everyone else jumped on her band wagon.
If you’re going to criticize a person for not doing what you think she’s supposed to do, you better have a better answer for how you do it than “You just do.”

I’m still going to do the work, but I hope she doesn’t find out. It would just be better if she DIDN’T find out.

67

Vicki,
You are the only one that can measure and assess the value you get from reading these bloggs. Just know there is freedom here and a true sence of value you receive here. It is always YOUR choice. No one person can force you to stop. If you stop reading these blogs, who benifits from it? Surely not you. You get the whole life experience here, respect, value, validation, and acception. When your in pain we pray and listen, we lift you up. When your lonely you have friends that just want to hear your voice. When your confused we give you a road map back to sanity. And most of all when you feel unloveable your reinforced that you truely are loved. Just wanted you to know.
Renee

68

Vicky,
So when do these verbally abusive people ever take their own advice?
That is all they really need to be concerned about.

69

People who are good at giving advice usually do so because they like fixing people so that they don’t have the time to look at their own garbage. I know as a young woman, I was good at fixing all of my friends’ problems. They would ask me and I would tell them. It was how I felt good about myself.

If I could fix your problems, you would like me even more and I could like me a little bit because I made you feel better. My self worth came from helping others. It also left me no time to look at myself and my own incest issues. I was really good at fixing other people’s problems while I could never tell you what was wrong with me or how I felt about anything. I could tell you how you should feel but I didn’t feel anything myself.

I was like a volcano that stuffed all of the feelings inside until the pressure built so high that I would explode in rage all over my husband. I would be calm and nice and loving until a few months later the pressure would build and I would explode again.

Another way that I released the pressure about once a month, usually after sex, I would start to cry for some unknown reason and I would cry for an hour or two nonstop until there were no more tears. I would do the crying late at night about once a month in the early years of our marriage. My dear husband would hold me while I cried. Out of his concern, he would ask why I was crying and I never had an answer for him or for me. I didn’t know why I was crying. Once I started, I couldn’t stop the tears. After an hour or two, I would be ok again until the next month.

I don’t use either of these coping tools today. I have learned healthier ways to be. I still occasionally slip into overeating when the stress gets to be too much. Even that is better than it used to be. At least I am aware of what I am doing when I overeat now. I wasn’t before.

70

Pat,
You nailed me exactly! Well almost; I did the same “fix someone else so I didn’t have to look within myself” then I started counseling! Well that ended fixing anyone but myself. My phychiatrist made me swear to her each session that the only person I was going to fix was myself. It was so hard I had to use the scripture before you take out the splinter in your neighbors you, you need to remove the log out of your own eye. (Paraphraised). THIS MAY TRIGGER: I said that mantra over and over. The crying after sex never did that I would tell myself very loathing dispicable things during sex then feel what I always felt -that I am nothing and I shouldn’t exsist because I am worthless and contaminated. Besides I would switch during sex it was even worse when my little girl took over during that time. ughhhhhhhhh took me years to be an adult having sex. Sorry if this is to grafic for some, I don’t want anyone to be offended.But I never cried. Tears was another tip off that I was used. I finally figured out when I was little to get out of the house after I was used, unless it was in the middle of the night. Then I would fight sleep and hide somewhere in the house until morning. I would fall asleep during school and get into trouble there. Its weird this triggered another memory, I remember my mother would tell me in front of the other kids that “Bobbie” was coming home just to see my reaction, each time I felt sick to my stomach, pee my pants and my skin would crawl. Then my brothers would think my reaction was funny and they would taunt me over and over again. I cant discribe the tightness the helplessness the overwhelming need to die, because it wasn’t just me that was scare it was the little girl in me we were scare to death!
Renee

71

Renee,
From my own experiences, I have certain distractions that I battle during sex, not the least of which stems from my mother’s negatvie attitudes toward me, especially when I was a teen and dating, and also dating a guy who had his own sexual issues from having been molested by a church/neighbor/boy at age 6. So my mom’s negativity towards me (in many ways) and the relationship that “could”, and the resulting confusion, leading to an abusive 20-year long relationship, even though I am in a healthy relationship today, I ended up with some issues that I still battle. Feelings and thoughts of not being worthy of the experience.

I mentioned this at a meeting with my husband and our previous therapist, and all the therapist did was ask my husband if he knew what was distracting me furing ex and my husband said that he did not know. The therapist never told him to find out, nor did the therpaist bother asking me, for crying out loud, that is why we were there.

72

Vicki,
So glad to hear that you are going to do the work!
Hugs, Darlene

Patricia,
You bring up excellent points here! Yes, part of the grooming process, when you are groomed to fill someone else’s needs in any way, is to transfer that responsibility to the child. I had this belief that I had to fix everyone too. My self worth came not just from helping others but from being whatever they wanted me to be I guess because I thought that was what they needed. So I guess that does come back to helping others!. But there was no ME in any of that.
Thank you for all that you have shared.
hugs, Darlene

Hi Renee
Oh my gosh, my heart goes out to you. What a horror that you lived through. I understand the reactions that you had and the way that you would still have them. These are not easy things to get through. What I did was I put the events together with the feelings; Just like you tell some trauma events here, and how you reacted and how you felt about it. And then also you write what you felt about your self because of them, that is the stuff like “shouldn’t exist, worthless and contaminated” etc. and I had to realize that those conclusions that I came to about myself were the result of what people did to me, and therefore those conclusions were wrong. I know this is a very “quickie” way of saying it, but that is in a nutshell what I did in the process of recovery. Taking my life back meant exactly that. That they took my life through their sick actions, and they defined me as worthless by what they did to me. BUT that was a lie and I had to change it back to the truth.

Thank you so much for sharing with such depth and honesty
Hugs, Darlene

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Darlene, This is one of my reasons for my blog title A Resurected Spirit. That was all I had left. It was the only thing that was left in tact and was the only reason why I fought back. My spirit was not dead yet and was sheltered with my alternates other wise I wouldn’t be here today. Every specialist and 2 doctors (MD) said I should have been dead or and addict or a prostitute. I never considered that when that thing of a brother was selling me to the neighbor teen boys that I was a prostitue. I can’t think like that and be sane. Does this makes sense because sometimes when I think in the past and write nothing makes sense.
Renee

74

Rene,
You can’t be sane and think that you were a prostitute, because you didn’t choose to be one, so you weren’t one, at least not in the sense that you chose it and got the money!

75

Yes Renee, it makes sense!
You are a survivor! When we get past all the beliefs that we had about the traumas, and expose those LIES about ourselves, we can grow and prosper and live in freedom!
YAY
Hugs, Darlene

76

I wish they had a Like button for comments. That way I could let people know I like their statements without having to remember all the posts that I like.
If they think you have nobody to help, they act even worse. That alone tells me they damn well know exactly what they’re doing and that they’ve probably ALWAYS known they were doing something wrong. If this statement were untrue, why is it that they never bother people when they think the person has other people in her life.
This guy who lives in the apartment complex asked to borrow my phone. He wanted to come inside my house and use the phone. I said no, only b/c my phone is broken. But, if it hadn’t been broken, I would have said yes, b/c I thought he really just wanted to use the phone.
He came up later and asked if he could talk to me alone and I said no, at first, then he mentioned that I have nobody that comes to see me, that I’m a “loner.”
First of all, it isn’t true. My dad came a week ago and took me out to eat. Breakfast, so nobody in the complex was up; 90% of the people who live here are naturally lazy. That’s beside the point though.
I want to know how to get someone to leave me alone after I’ve said no twice.
The fact that it’s so calculated on their part is really starting to get on my last nerve. They’ve never been victims like they’re trying to have people THINK they are.
And I’m basically totally uncomfortable right now. I put the chain lock over the door, but the locks in here are a joke. If someone REALLY wanted in it wouldn’t be hard to accomplish it.
That’s what I get for being an EMT instead of a banker. Lousy locks and people who don’t care.

77

vicki,

I have seen security bars [braces] in catalogs. priced around thirty bucks. you prop it under the doorknob, and most anyone trying to kick the door is gonna get hurt. peace of mind [what little people can get in creepy situations] is worth it.

78

Thank you. I think I’m still going to ask the police what to do too. Their line was busy when I called. He came up a third time, but he’s probably just going to assume I didn’t answer the door for being sick. I refused to even answer the door, ignored it until he went away.
I AM sick, but I made the stupid mistake of saying “maybe” instead of no after I told him no twice. B/c I was desperate to get rid of him.
I just don’t get what the hell it is with people. I said no twice. I never said yes, but I made the mistake of saying maybe. That’s b/c I really am sick and he looks like one of the people who raped me, so I wanted to get rid of him.
He’s not that person. He looks like the person, who looked like that 20 years ago. So this CAN’T be the same person, b/c people don’t stay exactly the same for 20 years. Not when they go from 19 to 39.

79

Vicki,
I use to work for the police, Notify the apartment office. Tell them about your situation and tell them you want a dead bolt installed. If they say no tell them you fear for your safety and let them know you are notifying the police and they’re lack of concern so it is documented and the guys name and what he is doing. Usually that will get maintenance off they’re butts. If you get no where have the dead bolt and a metal door installed yourself. If the complex hear’s about it tell them you notified them (do it in writing).and gave them time to act.Usually thats all it takes is having it in writing. Dead bolts are 100 time safer than a door chain. If they say you can’t change doors wait until they’re back is turned and do it like on a sunday. Have some one you know install it. Your looking at about $250-$350. for door and dead bolt. Windows can be blocked by a stick, or metal rod. Have mace or your keys with you at all times when answering your door. Or have your cell phone dialed with 911 so all you have to do is push send. Always look over your shoulder and take nothing for granted. I do that constantly out of habit from training. Good luck dear one.
Renee

80

I thought I’d be a lot stronger when dealing with these difficult issues. I’m surprised at how weak I feel afterwards.
I hope this is just a phase, and that I start feeling stronger again, b/c I really don’t like feeling like I’m so weak and exhausted.

81

I don’t KNOW the guy’s name, that’s one of the reasons I was so disturbed that he’s knocked on my door three times already. He doesn’t know my name either, I’m just an opportunity to get laid I guess.
But he’s stopped for now, b/c my friend came over. He’s got an Italian temper. His mom’s Italian, and he was raised in the Bowery in New York City. He didn’t like the way guys would always pinch her when she was working as a waitress and guess he has a temper about it now.

82

Hi Everyone,
Great information Renee.
Vicki, there is a wonderful book out that really helped me a lot with this kind of stuff. It is called “The gift of Fear” by Gavin deBecker
hugs, Darlene

83

Another comment which is just as devaluing as the “get over it” one is when someone says to you something along the lines of “well I was beat when I was a child and it didn’t affect me” implying that you are somehow inferior to that person because it affects you.

84

Fi,

It makes me sad that anyone would dare say that to you. You know, salt/wound. Another one that I’ve gotten is, “People have had worse and they’ve overcome it” meaning that what has happened to you isn’t that bad. No one should have to overcome any childhood abuse. Of course, that person hadn’t gone through anything like my life and I’m not sold that they handled their own problems in a spectacular manner.

85

Hi Pam, yes I can still vividly see and hear the person saying it to me about 15 years ago. The person concerned saw nothing wrong with physically beating a child. I felt very small and inferior that I was somehow at fault because I hadn’t gotten over it and that I was over-reacting.

Yep, I’ve had it said to me many times “many people in the world have had it worse than you” implying I’m making a fuss over nothing and should shut up about it. Meanwhile the person saying that does not actually know what I’ve been through and never will with that attitude.

The word ‘overcome’ is one I see so often. I’ve seen people describe themselves as a survivor AND an overcomer AND a thriver. That language especially rears it’s ugly head in Christian circles. It really does my head in. It’s as if that is somehow superior to the rest of us mere mortals who are busy surviving.

86

Fi,

I’m glad you are alive. I think you have overcome a great deal. However, there are some who think because they are Christian that they shouldn’t suffer. The only difference between a Christian and anyone else is belief in Jesus. Everyone suffers, some more than others. Jesus suffered. The suffering of a victicm of child abuse is much like the suffering of Jesus as it is the result of the sin of others. I think that you and those of us who have suffered at the hands of others probably have a greater understanding of Christ than those who have more perfect lives (or appear to, anyway).

I didn’t get hit very much. I had my mind twisted. My parents wound me up and set me on a path of self-destruction and psychological abuse by others. They didn’t need to hit me. They knew how to abuse without leaving visible marks. They still do. It is their way of life.
If it hadn’t been for Jesus, I would have been dead long ago. I won’t let anyone get between me and Him. They surely do try though. When I confronted my family about the past, they told me that we were all ‘new creatures’ and it was wrong for me to bring up their past sins. Of course, when I was a kid and tried to talk about it, I was wrong for remembering the bad things. Nothing has changed. They just have religion as a new tool of distortion. I think the Bible calls it a cloak for evil? When they start ‘doing our head in’ with their stupid games, we just need to know that they really don’t understand what Jesus is about at all. We can pity them and pray for them.

87

Pam, I totally agree with you. I went from sexual, physical, and mental abuse to sexual and religious abuse with my first husband. Not good, he twisted everything that was good and loving in Christ, to mean and abusive in the NAME of Christ. Hugh difference, and pretty sick.

88

Alright now Im really pissed! All those freaken idiots that think you are just whining and that other people in this world have it worst than you. My brother tried that crap on me. I backed down and coward, NEVER NEVER again. He said he had it bad because he grew up lonely! I was raped, sold, used by other family members, beat, isolated and contracted a venerial disease before 3rd f—ing grade! Your nightmare maybe different than mine but it has NO meter of who’s worst and who’s better. Why can’t people understand that? Abuse distroys lives, it changes the path of that child NO matter what the abuse is or the extent.

89

Vicki,
I don’t want to scare you but keep vigil with keeping yourself safe. It has become a way of life with me. When I step out of my house I never have my head down, Im looking and watching everything around me. Things happened to me when I was 18. I didn’t know the person either. Thats all Im going to say because I don’t want to scare the bejeezes out of you. Just take precautions, your friend can’t be around 24/7 you have to be proactive. This is for everyone on this blog, we have had enough distruction in our lives so please just be careful when your out and about.

90

Hi Pam – Oh yes I had the “new creature” stuff thrown at me so many times that I lost count – “in Christ we are made new so magically our past is gone, so by talking about it and by having problems because of it I am hawking back to something that has been wiped out and that God has forgotten about and so I’m wrong to bring it up” – that was said so many times to me that I really began to believe there was something very wrong with me – but I realised, once I’d left the church and no longer had that thrown at me on a regular basis that it was total twaddle and an appalling total misapplication of the bible.

Hi Renee – I agree, there is no measure of whose abuse is worse or better. I don’t believe comparisons are at all helpful. What matters is how it affects the person and their life!

91

Hi Everyone
Fi,
I am reading through this comment thread and I gotta say, it makes me really angry when people say things like “well I was beaten and I am fine” implying just as you say that you are somehow inferior for being affected by it. BUT consider the source. In this last few years that I have been “out of the fog” that I lived in my whole life, I have seen so much that I could spend the rest of my life speaking and writing and never repeat anything! The people who say things like that are COPING. They are unable or unwilling to face their own history for fear of the pain. I avoided facing the deep down pain which had to do with my parents, for years, while at the same time I searched everywhere for the truth. (but was unable to face the truth)
People who say stuff like that are really indicating that they are not willing to deal with their own stuff.

Having said that, this still makes me burn anyway because it is so stunning that people think this way! I wonder WHO had it worse then you? (not that I put levels or degrees on abuse in terms of who had it worse) But, What does that even mean? What is that supposed to mean to YOU? Is it supposed to comfort you? NO it is designed to shut you up and make you feel bad and wrong. And realizing all that is how I came out of the fog enough to take my life back and start valuing myself firstly by understanding how crazy the system that I used to live in was. All these statements designed to control ~ they are CRAZY and abusive.

Pam
Having your mind twisted is in no way less abusive. All abuse begins with psychological abuse. All of it. That is part of the grooming process. The problem with psychological and emotional abuse is that it is harder to realize how wrong it was since most of it in not legally liable. However, all abuse does that same damage, and that is what we are talking about here. If we are going to get through this stuff and live full lives in freedom from the manifestations of the abuse, then we HAVE to realize that damage AND WHERE it originated.

Great comments everyone!
Hugs, Darlene

92

One more note ~ about the spiritual abuse. That burns me too, but it is really just more huge layer of fog in the same exact fog storm coming from a different direction. This is all about THEM. If you give your life to Christ, but you are still in emotional pain, people want to infer that you must have “done it wrong” and that you really didn’t in fact give your life to Christ. BUT really in my view it is that they themselves don’t want to consider that just “giving your life to christ” is not the whole answer.. and that the “message they preach” is not as easy as they think it is. And even worse then that, they might have to face that it didn’t work for them either, that the whole “lay it at the cross” thing is somehow just not that easy and they might have to face that reality too!

The way that I see it (from my own experience) is that I could only understand the bible from the frame of reference that I had been raised with. WHICH WAS ABUSIVE! So my grid of understanding of everything was through abuse and the misuse of power. And most of the Christians/ spiritual people in my life were abusive too, so they were teaching something the way they wanted it to work. FOR them. Not the way it really works.
I should write a whole post about this.. =)
Hugs, Darlene

OH and Fi, God has not forgotten about your abuse! OH MY GOSH… that makes me so angry! What they are twisting around is that “god forgets thing” is supposed to mean that he forgets the sins of people that have repented. NOT the hurts that were inflicted. When I look at the life of Jesus, I see only love for the hurting people. NOT all this other crap people tell us is what we are supposed to accept!
100,000,000 hugs!
Darlene

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All,

There is a big difference between churchianity and having God in your life. I hate that people use God to abuse but they do. I am a new creature in Christ. When I believed in Jesus I became spiritual as well as flesh and blood. That doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for things I did wrong before -or after. It also doesn’t mean that the things people have done to me don’t matter. The magical brand new creature is for people who can’t face their own shame and spend all of their time building and projecting a false image of themselves. Truth is a big threat to that way of life because it is based on a lie. Believe me I get it. My upbringing of never being seen as myself but as a reflection of others primed me for a church that didn’t allow me to be me either. Jesus loves me and wants me to be myself, fully myself. I still go to church but it is a very different kind of church where I can be me. Besides, I’m at the point where I’m going to be me whether anyone else approves or not.

Darlene,

I also hear you about the psychological and emotional abuse and neglect. I went through a stage as a child of making up stories about how my parents had beat me. I know now it was because I felt abused but I didn’t know how to say it.

Fi,

I don’t mean to draw degrees either. I just hurt for you and for all you’ve been through and it makes me angry at people who want to minimize that in order to maintain their fantasy.

94

Pam
YAY ~

Pam wrote: “Besides, I’m at the point where I’m going to be me whether anyone else approves or not”.

That is what I am talking about Pam! YAY
Hugs, Darlene

95

Hi Pam, no probs, I knew you weren’t trying to draw degrees!! I too get angry at those who minimise, makes my blood boil!!

Hi Darlene, after over 3 years of no church I’m beginning to see through the fog of all that spiritual abuse. The more honest I am about that spiritual abuse, the more I’m able to recognise the patterns and the lies, the more I have opportunities to hear from others that don’t believe that rubbish and the more I have hope I’ll be able to mend from it. It’s hard having all that spiritual abuse on top of all the other abuse, it reinforces much of the religious abuse of my childhood and puts me off church.

96

[…] thrown out to a child by an adult also serve as the glue that supports all the self blame. Statements such as “you asked for it” “if you were more like “someone else”, “if you were not so […]

97

Hi Everyone,
I just published a new post about “permission” It goes along with this post because it highlights more statements, and conflicting messages and really highlights how the belief system gets set in place when there are so many ways that people add to the pot of lies we accept. There is a lot of brainwashing going on that we don’t realize as children, AND we have to comply and conform or our survival is at stake. Because we are children after all. Realizing the way that some of that stuff got cemented into my brain helped me to see the lies and reveal the truth, and the truth helped me to realize that those survival systems are no longer necessary for me. 🙂 YAY
You can read it here: Permission to Live; Busting through Beliefs and Survival Systems.
Hugs, Darlene

98

While all your posts really reasonate with me, this one really hits home. I was assaulted at my son’s birth after almost dying. The Dr wanted to ‘teach the midwife a lesson’. I remember the few days after (when I should have been bonding with my baby) thinking, didn’t something bad happen to me? Isn’t someone going to say something? When the flashbacks started a few months later I tried to talk about it and received the stonewall of guilt: ‘you should be happy you have a healthy baby’. I pushed. I knew I was in trouble. I really needed someone to talk to. Then I got ‘you’re lucky you lived, sorry it didn’t go to plan. You have unrealistic, perfectionalist ideals that no one can acheive’. I was laughed at. My husband joined in and shared stories about how I like things to be ‘Martha Stewart perfect’. I stopped talking. My suffering didn’t seem to matter because of some flaw in my personality. Three years on I’m just starting to see how dangerous it is to let others define events for me.

No one really cares about what happened to me. Words like ‘terrible’ ‘horrific’ and ‘shame’ are used, but there is still that undertone that 1) I should be happy for what I have and 2) that I have unrealistic expectations. Both which point to the idea that it was my fault.

This is a difficult thing to break free of. No wonder I ended up with PTSD, no wonder I ended up depressed, no wonder my marriage fell apart. I guess the only thing I can offer back is not to judge them the way they judged me. But it’s a tough pill to swallow.

99

Hello Bapesaurus

I am so sorry that all this went on! My goodness, you have brought up even more statements and have highlighted even more how these saying are designed to make US feel wrong. No matter what happened, we are told to skip over it, not to mention it, and to be grateful??? Your comments are a great summary of what I talk about in these blog posts.

When you wrote “No one really cares about what happened to me. Words like ‘terrible’ ‘horrific’ and ‘shame’ are used, but there is still that undertone that 1) I should be happy for what I have and 2) that I have unrealistic expectations. Both which point to the idea that it was my fault.

This is a difficult thing to break free of. No wonder I ended up with PTSD, no wonder I ended up depressed, no wonder my marriage fell apart. I guess the only thing I can offer back is not to judge them the way they judged me. But it’s a tough pill to swallow.”

YES… That is exactly what I am saying ~ in light of all this ~ NO WONDER we end up with PTSD and all other sorts of depressions. (and we get blamed for that too!)
Thank you so much for sharing your story today!
Hugs, Darlene

100

Bapesaurus….I’m with Darlene and yes; these are the kinds of statements that can leave us holding the bag while we try to make sense our of senseless acts against us but are told they weren’t so senseless by others standards. What you survived was terrible and the reactions very normal; the only thing disordered about the post trauma response is how it is handled by those who deny the effect of this stuff on those who are affected. I’m glad to see you! Thank you for sharing and adding so much to this conversation. Susan:)

101
Renee?A Resurrected Spirit
May 23rd, 2011 at 10:02 am

Darlene, And the rest of my blogging family I have a question I need to ask. My family is in lala land and “only want to focus on the happy times” There NEVER were happy times. Why do they delute the facts? My poor nephew has the middle name of a pediphile uncle. My brother turned his back on his little sister and refused to tell the truth and sided with his ex-girlfriend and my sister that never stoled anything in her life was found guilty of stealing $20.00 from her work place and lost her unemployment. Yet raved over his daughter for sticking up for a former worker so She could get unemployment (different work place) I lost any placement with my family because I wanted to discuss what ACTUALLY happened in our childhood. My question tomarrow one of my brothers is coming through and will stop to visit. We recently had a falling out because he told me how much he hated my daughter. He said I breached confidentiality. I told him what confidentiality because other members in my family told me how HE felt about my daughter and I told him that. Well I want to bring up a beating he gave me when my sister lied, she did everthing she could to keep me isolated and beaten down. It was before school and the bus came shortly after the beating. The blood on my legs dried on the seat and the bus driver had to peal me off the seat and walked me down to the nurses station to get cleaned up. Should I talk to him about it or am I going to cause a deeper seperation or even severing the little tie we have? I need anybody’s in put to take into concideration. Thanks

102

Hi Renee,
I know you are seeking assistance for this situation, but only you can decide which course is the best course to take. You know the situation. You know the people in it. I try not to ever advise or give directives ~ I don’t know enough about your situation. But you can make this decision!

Also there is NO WAY for anyone to know the outcome. Not even you. One of the things that I had to decide was that I was going to take my life back no matter what the consequences were and no matter what the reaction from others would be.
Hugs, Darlene

103
Renee/A Resurrected Spirit
May 23rd, 2011 at 10:28 am

Thank you Darlene I will take your words to heart and think it through. I guess for 50 years (im 54 but only remember things from age 4) I played their (11 brothers and sisters) game of not speaking about the horror we lived. It is ingrained in me to cower down to their way. I want my family and I want the truth out in the open and I guess I have to decide which is more important to MY life and healing and take the fall out as it comes.

104

Hi Renee

I know you are seeking direction and help in making your decision but I cannot tell you what to do, that would not be right, I do not know the people involved but I do care about YOU and that is why I want to share my thoughts on this.

They dilute the facts because they, like all abusers, do not want to face the truth.

It may be they want to pretend ‘happy times’ happened as if to counteract the effects of the abuse upon you and say in effect ‘you didn’t have it that bad because you had happy times too!’

Part of being in an abusive family includes subscribing to their perception of things, even if it is all lies. It maintains the ‘norm’ of that family. Speaking out the truth threatens everything the family is built on.

As you say you want the truth out in the open and I think that is really important for your healing too.

Part of healing is finding our voices again. But the price of speaking the truth and bringing it out into the open may mean having to accept that severance from your family or those family members is inevitable.

It sounds like your family does not and will not ever want to face the truth. You may have to make a choice. It’s an unpalatable one and a painful one. But there is life beyond an abusive family.

Those family members who do not want to face the truth will continue to abuse, manipulate, deny and do what is necessary, including keeping you cowering, disempowered and silenced to prevent the truth from coming out. You may have a set some very tough boundaries with those family members if you want to continue having a relationship with them.

You deserve far better than all this rubbish. You deserve to tell the truth, to be heard and to be validated. It does not sound like that is going to happen from those family members.

I cannot tell you what to do only you know. It is your decision. As you say you have to decide which matters to you the most. But I want to say again you deserve better!

105

Renee,

You have a very resiliant love. When I read the things you write, I can’t believe you have the courage to talk to your family again let alone want to work things out with them. That kind of love is so powerful and should never be wasted. I know it has the power to heal you. I have no advice but your need is on my heart and I’ll pray for you.

106
Renee/A Resurrected Spirit
May 23rd, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Thank you Pam it brings tears, what you said is a false hope. I needed you or someone caring to say it clarifies the reason of why I want to do it. I just want them to validate me as a person. It is my hope and my intentions are pure and I do love my brother. In reality it is another way to reinforce how they really feel about me. It hurts so much Pam but the real truth clouds the fact that I was never loved by my siblings. The love you mention is more of a poison. I didn’t see that until you wrote it. Thank you. Pray for me though because I know I won’t breakdown and cower any more.

107

Renee,

Sweetie, your love is never poison. It is when an abuser twists it with the intent of hurting you that it becomes poison. Your love though, is very powerful. So powerful that all you have suffered could not kill it. That is divine love. It is validation enough that you have loved and continue to love. It is sad that your brother can’t enjoy the love that you offer but the problem is in him not you.

I am praying for you. I have been since I read your post. Be well.

108

Hi Renee

I agree with Pam your love is amazing and certainly not poison. You do show amazing resilience. It is love misused for power, control and abuse that makes it poison.

It is sad that your family cannot receive that love or even recognise it. It’s so hard when the people closest to us don’t validate us. I hope your wish to be validated by them is fulfilled. I fully understand your need to be validated by your brother. I understand you wanting to work it out with them. The thing is you may want to work it out with them but if they are not willing to work it out with you then it is not going to happen and it will result in more hurt, invalidation and broken dreams.

One of the hardest things is to accept that those closest to us will never validate us. The sad thing is that seeking validation from those who abuse or deny the abuse we suffered is most likely to end in being further let down and invalidated. Sometimes we have to cut our losses and walk away rather than take more hurt and abuse.

And like Pam said the problem is with your brother who refuses to acknowledge the truth and so invalidates you.

109

Hi Everyone,
This is excellent feedback for Renee! I really appreciate the way that everyone supports each other and in such a healthy way too.
Hugs, Darlene

110
Renee/A Resurrected Spirit
May 23rd, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Darlene,
Thats why we love your blog it’s healthy like eating your peas and carrots!

111

Wow! Talk about a hot button topic! When I saw the title, I had to read it. Even when others haven’t said these words to me, they’ve given me the impression that I needed to “just get over it.” The thing is, they never tell me how. Believe me, I’d give anything to be able to erase the abuse from my life, to not have it affect every aspect of my thinking and being, to be “normal.” But, the truth is, that’s impossible. I realised a while ago that the abuse will always be a part of who I am and it’s up to me how I deal with that. The thing about those who want me to get over it, leave it in the past, etc. is that the whole subject of abuse and the ugliness of what happened to me is uncomfortable for them. It makes them feel better to give me some kind of pat answer and then move on with their lives. The thing is, they would never think of saying that to someone that had a disease, had lost a loved one, just returned from the war or had been through any other kind of trauma. My abuse and the way it’s affected me, has similarities to each of those situations, so why do they think it’s okay to tell me to “get over it?” All that statement does is make me feel like I’m lacking in some way, shows me their desire to wash their hands of the whole situation and a complete lack of compassion and understanding. To those people I say, “I am allowed to be angry over what happened to me. I am allowed to feel pain. I am allowed to take as much time as I need on each step of my healing. I am allowed to feel the way I feel, whether you think it’s right or wrong and if you don’t like any of that…you can just get over it!”

112

Hi Penny!
Yes, exactly. These are great comments. I esp. love this:

Penny wrote: “To those people I say, “I am allowed to be angry over what happened to me. I am allowed to feel pain. I am allowed to take as much time as I need on each step of my healing. I am allowed to feel the way I feel, whether you think it’s right or wrong and if you don’t like any of that…you can just get over it!”

YES YES!!!!
hugs, Darlene

113

That guy left me alone the minute he saw my friend Robb. Robb came from New York City to be with me while I was sick, plus I was being bothered by that guy without a working phone. It took 5 damn business days to send the thing, I just bought it today. I lost every address that was in the old phone b/c none will show up on it and I didn’t have the addresses anywhere but the phone.

I don’t know why but it makes me angry that the guy stopped right away when he saw-and heard-my friend. He heard him talk. My friend has a New York City accent and the intense personality to go with it. I don’t know why that always scares the type of guy who’s into bothering single women whom they think ‘has nobody to protect her.’
I’m HAPPY he stopped, and I’m not sure I’m even allowed to feel angry about it. Every time I feel angry about anything, somebody tells me I’m being negative. But I think he should have listened to ME, especially after the fourth damn time he knocked on my door. I stopped answering the third time he appeared. He didn’t listen until AFTER he saw Robb.
It just annoys me that he showed all this respect for somebody else but not me.
I think he’s still a terrible person. Someone else needing to MAKE him do it is proof that he has no respect for me at all. Just fear of a consequence and that’s all.
It makes me sick to know people like him even get to exist.

114

Hi Vicki
I understand why it upset you that it took a third party to get rid of the guy! The guy didn’t value YOUR request. I get that!
Glad it worked out though.
Hugs, Darlene

115

Vicki,
I know that angry feeling. Your word should have been enough. Not somebody elses. It is like not getting the respect of who you are…a person, a human being that has boundaries, that deserves respect. And you want to just scream and yell LOOK AT ME, when your talking, HEAR ME when im talking. I feel you have every right to be mad.
One day I took my car into a garage to get the muffler replaced I went to the same mechanic for years. Then one day my brother came a long with me The mechanic asked what was needed, he wouldn’t look at me but spoke only to my brother. I was so pissed! We left there and went home, and it ate me a live, why didn’t he listen to me why didn’t he talk to me it WAS MY CAR!!!. So I walked back to the garage, asked the lady for my keys she said it wasn’t going to be ready yet until almost closing time. I told her nope it was done now, and to give my mechanic a message for me, she said she would and got a piece of paper out, I wrote YOUR FIRED AND YOU WILL NEVER WORK ON MY CAR AGAIN!! He called me up and I told him I lost respect for him because he didn’t show me respect. He said he was sorry and I told him I was too because he was a good mechanic.
I feel it is such a offence that when people don’t value YOU and think they can walk all over you, as if your not even there. It makes my toes curl!!!

116

That happened to me with my car too, but I caved in. He was going to “go to his grave” on charging me $200 MORE than he charged me after my spouse talked to him about it. And then he took our business to another person, to whom he gave the money.
This other person charged $200 less than what the former guy claimed, to me anyway, “was the going price and you wouldn’t find cheaper no matter WHERE else you go.”

I still like the joke where one woman says to another: ‘You can tell a lot about a man by the way he drives.’
The other says, ‘You know, that’s true. Sometimes my ex-husband couldn’t even get the key in the ignition.’

Some men think they know EVERYTHING when it comes to cars-and they’re usually the ones who can’t get the key in the ignition half the time.

117

I can handle a wrench, but I am not an auto mechanic, even in my dreams.

“I’m an artist and a sculptor, not a mechanic, Jim”

@Renee: you had every right to your feelings. and certainly deserve to be respected.

118

Vicki,
To funny,
my point that I was trying to make was, when everything was said and done I HAD the last word. The guy didn’t respect me, I never saw it until he ignored me and would only look at my brother. He lost a valued customer because HE didn’t value me.

119

I know how hard it is when people, specially people in your own family ask you to “get over it”
So I told them yes “I did it” but ins’t true, some times like now I feel devastated for what had happened to me and my kids, Is something that I am being avoiding, when I feel like this I say to myself, is OK I will think about this tomorrow and tomorrow never comes.
Maybe some day they will learn to love and respect my feelings but first I might need to learn to love myself enough to finally over come this situation.
This article is very good, thank you for give me the opportunity to open up and share my feelings.

120

Thank you for clarifying the words”get over it” I also am now aware that I feel shame when someone says that to me. Yes maybe I am incomplete but am working towards wholeness. I will get over an issue in my time not someone elses. Areal eye opener for me…

121

Hi Cal,
Great to hear from you. Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

122

Hello Katty
Welcome to EFB!
I think I learned to love myself by realizing how badly I had actually been treated. It was learning to really validate my feelings, that I was able to sort this stuff out and look at the truth. And then one day I began to love myself. And I kept going forward.
Glad you are here,
Hugs,Darlene

123

Lynda,
You haven’t spoken in a while I was going to mention it yesturday and forgot. Are you ok? I haven’t read anything from you so I wanted to check in with you. I know it is your choice to speak I miss your comments.

124

“get over it” this is what i have a hard time with too. Ex-friends ask me if I have gone this long without therapy why now.. they tried to tell me that my mom beat me .. helped my bro. s/a me and nearly killed me 3 times is not my mom’s fault but the devil.. The devil is responsible for all that stuff of that past.. Therefore if I love God I should let the past go. and keep going as I was .. only thing ..my trying to live by the rule “get over it” landed me into another abusive situation. My ex-boss took over my life. and locked me under his control verbally mentally torturing me threatening me with death.. and other things. I didn’t really get over the childhood traumas. i never developed tools to make me ready for the world or mean people and so I found myself a victim again. and unable to escape ..it took someone else to get me out fo the second trauma.. ..Get over it would be nice but how can one get over it if one has never been able to look at it for what it is. ?? I never was given permission to cry if i did i got it harder. .. i was the worst mistake my mom ever made. forever and ever told .maybe i was her mistake but am not a mistake.. joy

125

Joy,
The other day I was reading James 1:13-14 this helped me understand that the “nuts” that say “get over it” missed that scripture. 1. It is your mothers “sin” not yours the only thing you can do is understand you are an innocent victim NOT the one responcible. 2. Your mother made a choice, God gave us a choice RIGHT OR WRONG it is our choice to make. You to have that choice the same choice your mom had when she was abusing you PERIOD. Everyone uses the devil as an excuse but for me he is the second villian, your mother has to hand over the choice God gave her. I had all that crap heaped on my head for years and frankly I lump all those self righteous bimbos along with the devil they were actually doing the devils work than Gods. This is my opinion and which is surprising to me I think im just now starting to realize the real truth!
YOU are not a mistake, if you were you wouldn’t have been born. You were made perfect it it was the twisted lies that damaged you, and not your doing. You Joy are strong, gracious, and loving, that is your original blueprint, it is your choice now and you can find all that in you and more, youv’e already started YOUR HERE with us.

126

Darlene,
I wokeup at 4:00 yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwn…lol After my brother and I had our heart to heart memories flooded my brain. I also found out that the thing that used me (with my mothers blessings) that when he was 2yrs old my dad back handed him so hard the was knocked out for a few hours. He did it because he “back talked” my mom. I told my brother that I never beleived that sick B—–d was never born that way but was created by my parents. My memory this morning was when the youngest brother was 4-5 my mother sent him to get my dad out of the bar. She made him walk the 7-9 blocks to that bar at night. Then he had to wait till someone came a long to open the door because he was to weak to open the bar door. Then my dad took off him belt and whippede him all the way home. Once he got in the house picked up that hurt little boy and threw him as hard as he could against the wall, where he fell on the heater vent I remember flesh burning and his devestating gut wrenching cries. I always thought my mom was a victim but something my brother said, he said my dad was nice and then he had his dark side which was very mean. I think that is why those two were so attracked to one another they had the same sick personality.

127

Hi Joy,
Well isn’t that a convenient excuse? The devil made her do it, so just forgiver her and get over it??? This is one of the craziest brainwashing b.s. things! That IF you love God ~ as though if you don’t let it go you DON”T LOVE GOD… says who???? good grief! And the thing is that what they did, what they want “forgotten” is illegal and the church is NOT above the law. The bible is clear about that.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Renee
Oh my gosh, this is a horrible thing that happened. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

128

Dear Darlene. …yes my friends humiliated me one day when they posted a long lecture on my facebook wall that spelled out what happened to me and told me that if I was going to find peace with God I must see that it was the devil not my mother who did the mean things. .I was so upset. as I think the devil gets too much credit and that means that if the devil did it i should unblock my phone and let all the bad stuff come through as its not really my mom but the devil using my mom. I find that type of religious sermonizing way too much for me.. thank you for your support, Darlene: joy

@Renee .Dear Renee..thank you for your kind words and your explanations that make sense..I know now I am not a mistake and there is a reason for all that has happened..I don’t even have to try to understand it as my mind is too full of stuff anyway but i just try each day to be loving and kind and also try to learn to see me as someone that didnt deserve any of the stuff happened. Ihave a lot to catch up on ..but I know I am heading the right direction..thank you Reee..for your kind words: joy

129

Joy,
I would have loved to be part of that conversation! That is CRAZY! I wonder what kind of abuse and brainwashing is in your friends life for her to try and believe that? So you got abused, and then you got REPRIMANDED for it by your “friend” ! HAAAAAa so typical. That is not love. Taking abuse and calling it the work of the devil is not love nor is it true nor is that what GOD wants! This is a typical example of the fog storm that I am always talking about!
Hugs, Darlene

130

Darlene,

They are of the faith I use to be in .. and I know they tell you the devil is responsible. as they told me that too.. in my younger days..I did try to tell them the devil can not be blamed for every crime but they got mad. They use to take me to breakfast on sundays.. and were going to give me a small room in their trailer to assist them. After I said I could not accept that type of thinking they never more took me to breakfast and withdrew the room they offered me for help gardening etc.. its ok. as I think it would have been to much for me to be in someone elses space in a little room would be a little triggering.. .

I love your reference to the fogstorm.

Hugs, joy

131

[…] “The Problem with statements like “get over it” ~ D. Ouimet EFB […]

132

Hi everyone
I just wrote a post related to this rant. It is called “when leave well enough alone involves Crimes against Children”
All of these kinds of statements like “leave well enough alone” and GET over it, contribute to the fog that we have lived in.
Hugs, Darlene

133

[…] that the low self esteem that I experienced was my own fault! And this expectation that I should “snap out of it”, “grow up,” “get over it” and take charge of my life, was often communicated by the very same people who abused and […]

134

The ones who tell me to “get over it” are the people who are not true friends. I maybe mention my abuse issues once a year to someone who recently said, “get over it, do you need to go into therapy again?” I always thought being able to articulate the pain, and getting it out of the ‘hidden secret’ category, was part of the healing process. Am I wrong?

135

Hi Robin,
Welcome; You are not wrong! Until I validated myself I remained invalidated. I had to come out of the “hidden secret category” too and it is a huge part of the healing process!
Thanks for your comment!
hugs, Darlene

136

Hey Robin

No, you’re not wrong. Coming out of the “hidden secret category” was absolutely vital for me. There are many people who will want you to stay there for many reasons, but there is no real healing there. It is so validating to be heard.

137

I thank you so much for responding. I may be pushing 50 but I’m definitely still in recovery. I actually found this page when I typed: Do people ever get over sexual abuse?” in the Google box. I’m in the process now of trying to be ‘heard’ by parents who looked the other way while the abuse was going on–in order to maintain their own status quo and remain in their comfort zone of pretending everything was okay. I imagine a number of you have been made to feel invisible when you were not ‘worth’ being rescued from one horror or another. My love and empathy is with you.
I just hit ‘send’ on an email telling my dad, very gently, on how PTSD has factored into my life for the last 30 years. Even as gently as I put things, I actually was shaking as I clicked the button and sent the note on it’s way. I’m glad I found you all. Thank you Darlene for your blog–it has proven to give me some strength today!

138

Hi Robin,
There is a lot of writing about this kind of thing in this site and lots of sharing from others who have survived every kind of abuse. The truth is what set me free, so I write little snap shots of HOW I found the truth. Finding the lies first seemed to be the way it worked for me so a lot of my blog posts come from that angle. I am glad you are here, and hope you share often.
Hugs, Darlene

139

[…] Related Posts ~ The Problem with Statements like “Get Over It”  […]

140

Just published a follow up post to this post for those of you who might be interested.

Inspirational posts that Cause Harm saying “how you got screwed up”

http://emergingfrombroken.com/inspirational-quotes-that-cause-harm-saying-how-you-got-screwed-up/#more-3569

Hugs, Darlene

141

[…] Just get over it  (HOW?)  Just put it behind you. (HOW?) ~ “give it to God”. (HOW?) To which the answer was “Have faith” (HOW?) well you get the picture. […]

142

Thanks so much for this blog! YOU ROCK!!

143

Hi Zincky,
I am glad you like it! thanks for your comment!
Darlene

144

Oh my God. I totally know how this feels and I really feel helpless when someone says this to me. Like, “get over it” is something easy to accomplish. I really thank you for posting this.
Basically, my sister used to mentally and sometimes physically abuse me when I was younger. I used to fear going home because of this and I’d have to hide behind a locked door or else she’d come at me. Whenever she’d throw fits like this (usually over stuff I wouldn’t let her have), she’d call my mother/grandmother and accuse me of being at fault and that I was the wrong one. My mother always took my sister’s side so when I’d talk about stuff like this in private with her, she’d go “it’s the past, get over it.” But the thing is, it wasn’t just in the past. She’d do this right up until I hit my 20s. They never believed me when I told them that she came at my door and started banging at it with a hammer, they never believed me when she took pictures of me in the shower, they never believed me when she’d slap, hit, or threaten me, etc.
Now that my sister is in jail, my father (who is all about family) forces me to reconnect with her. It’s something I DO NOT want to do and I’ve explained this to him with hysterical crying. But he doesn’t get it either. He goes, “There are worse situations than that, get over it. She’s your sister.” Thing is, I know people go through worse but he can’t tell me that what I went through isn’t bad because he was never in my shoes. My God, it’s like I’ll never get away from this or her. :/ I feel so helpless.

145

Hi Cass
Welcome to emerging from broken.
I felt helpless over so much of this kind of thing too. But I realized through looking more closely that I did have a choice. Once I became a certain age, I didn’t have to do things the way my parents said that they had to be done, I just didn’t know it yet. Recovery for me has been about taking my choice back. Then the helpless feeling went away.
I have written a ton of stuff about this in this site.
Hope you share again,
Hugs, Darlene

146

[…] with her exasperated “OH DARLENE” and her impatience with my difficulty at not being able to put the past behind me. But the truth is that it wasn’t OVER yet. I had not gotten over it yet and that was mostly due […]
~ New post published on e.f.b.

147

Hello everyone,

That’s so much interesting to read you all.
I am in a difficult situation and I have any closer friends to talk about it.
I spend my post in the section spiritual abuse but maybe it’s more approppriate here.

I met a spiritually high guy with who I laugh, do crazy things and that’s contribute to free me. He also admires me and say I have a great potential and that I am strong, clever.
But some of his behaviour makes me doubt.

We had a relationship a month ago, but I had to litterally threw him out of my house because I felt in danger because he totally lost his control one day and broke things in my home in front of my eyes.
And one another day he took a kinfe and cut his arm with it because I refused to listen to him.

I decided to give him an another chance because he seemed to have changed. I recognized that he overeacted a lot.
He knows my story about my abusive father and he listens to me.
He believes in reincanations, in prior lives, and explain problematics situations with people by the fact that these situations have already occured in prior lives. Which for me seems totally crazy but why not, it’s his beliefs after all and it’s his buisness.
He once said that we choose to born in our family. Yesterday, I said to him that I don’t believe that and that’s makes me angry because that put the blame on the childs.
He answered me that I was born to endure all this to become later a powerful spiritual person able to do reiki, to heal people with energy, to eat prana and no more food.
But his sentence “we choose parents” was painful for me and he didn’t understand and he spoke out on me and I was alfraid that he loose again his control like one month ago, so I didn’t answered.
I feel a huge anger not being heard by him on this issue that matters a lot for me.
I felt guilty to be on my nerves and I told him. He said to me very angry : “fuck the guilty” !
And I was so afraid of him again.
He told to give him in my arms and he came in my bed.
I told to him to leave because I didn’t feel secure and aganin I felt terror. And he answered me : “we don’t care about your wishes, your needs only matters” !
Finally he was ok to leave.

This night I made the nightmare which is the same since 12 years, I am again in my house and my dad is here and I don’t how to escape.
That’s the feeling I have with him.
We again talked on the phone and it was horrible and we were angry at each other and couldn’t speak cool.
He didn’t accept my reaction and said that I have hate towards him due to my father.
He says that other people don’t answer when he gives them advice. And says “when someone give a piece of advice, you have to listen”.
(not like me who doesn’t accept his advices”.
He pretends to know what is good for me because he is spiritually high and a god’s child and to know “general truths” about the meaning of life that I didn’t know.
He also said to me that my father isn’t all evil and that he bought me some good things. (really ? If it’s true, why have I run away from my house ?)
I also told me it’s because I totally think bad things about my father, and ex-boyfriend who was abusive, I couldn’t see anything positive in him.
I think this idea reveals that I’m the problem.
I think he is not right. It’s because I was traumatized and abandonned that I have difficulties.

He often say to me that he will move to an other town because he was sick of us too. And that breaks my heart.

Is it me who overeacts a lot with him like he said because of my childhood or my anger was justified ?

I am so lost and I don’t know if I can trust him or not.
He said he wants to liberate myself and sometimes I believe him.

Thank you for reading. I would be very happy to know what is your thinking about this.

148

I have made a lapsus in the begining of the 4th paragraph :
I would like to say HE recognized he overeacted and not I recognized he overeacted.

149

Hi Aurele
It was hard for me to learn to stick to the facts when deciding if it was me or the other person who was the problem. I had to look at the truth I knew and the details that I also knew were “off”. He cuts himself? (huge red flag) He loses control and breaks things? (huge red flag) He says that he is “spiritually high” and therefore knows the meaning of life which “you don’t know”. (that is a huge red flag) I picked out many other red flags in what you have posted here about him. He is telling you that you are bitter about the past and judging him because of it, but you say he has said and done these actual things that are very dangerous and manipulative.
There are some articles here about trust that might interest you. It seems to me that this guy has given you lots of information by his actions.
Hugs, Darlene

150

Thank you so much Darlene for your answer.
He also reproached to me that I didn’t trust him.

Can I ask you if you could you tell me what other red flags do you see ?

Thank you a lot.

151

Hi Aurele
It is so much better if you find them by reading about what others have discovered so that you see them for yourself. That is a huge part of the process. Keep reading the articles and the discussions. The “fog” takes some time to lift, and that is half the process of recovery.
Hugs, Darlene

152

Ok, thank you again for your answer.
Hugs too.

153

[…] kick yourself in the butt and get over it! You’ve made your bed now, lay in it!” Judgmental people are miserable comforters. They […]

154

[…] Just get over it  (HOW?)  Just put it behind you. (HOW?) ~ “give it to God”. (HOW?) To which the answer was “Have faith” (HOW?) well you get the picture. […]

155

This article hit so many valid points for me. I can so very much relate to being told that my feelings and pain were/are invalid and that I’m “an adult and need to get over it”.
How the hell can I ever get over something if it’s never allowed to be discussed?
I hate my life. I have no family to rely on, since they never allow me to speak of anything that they may be guilty of and, as a result of the put-downs and attitude in my house growing up, I’ve never developed any solid friends.
I am alone.

156

[…] Being told to “just get over it” is devaluing. It implies that I am making a mistake in processing an event. It indicates that something is wrong with ME because I am in still confused about something that has not been resolved. The statement is emotionally abusive. – See more at: http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-problem-with-statements-like-%e2%80%9cget-over-it%e2%80%9d/#sthash… […]

157

Another comment I can’t stand after I shared my feelings is “You need to forgive” UGH

158

Even if they know that I don’t have any intention of talking to her anymore, which they don’t question. But coming from Christians who feel that everything is forgivable. I tell the, well if God forgives everything then why is there a Hell?

159

I just heard the “get over it” type of statement last week. The funny thing is the woman said it to me because I confided that I had a rough counseling session dealing with a set a memories I have not shared with anyone before. I was being urged to get over it–right after I first admitted and looked at some horrible abuse.

I am convinced the hurry-up-and-stop-thinking-about-it people are trying to relieve their own discomfort. They don’t like to feel their own feelings about the reality of abuse. They don’t want to think about it. They don’t want to imagine it. They don’t want to suffer and they don’t want you to suffer.

But, abuse does cause damage and it takes lots of time and patience to recover from the harm. Remembering the memories and finally feeling the feelings is the only path to freedom from dysfunctional coping behaviors we learned in abuse. It is essential to face and deal with the pain if we want to be our most healthy selves. Additionally, it is uncomfortable for society, but essential, that former victims tell the truth about the abuse and its pain–secrecy gives abusers way too much power.

When the person told me last week that she just got over it and seemed to be pushing me to hurry up and get over it, I reminded myself of several things:
1. My history has much more abuse in it than hers and I am younger than she is.
2. My healing is happening at the right pace. I have had lots to face and I am successfully doing it, one day at a time.
3. I have no intention of forever wallowing in abuse history. But I am determined to become as healthy as I can and to do so I must face the realities of my experience. My progress always follows facing, with courage and patience, the truth and the pain of past abuse.
4. It isn’t my job to make other’s more comfortable by denying my own life. It is my job to figure out how to live my life in a way that leads to me being my most loving and real self.

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Dad on my reaction to his mother-in-law’s “loving and caring” response to my degree and future ambitions: “Get over it, you’re so sensitive!”

Me: “Of course I am sensitive! I love this person and she will only hurt me!?” (Again?)

Dad: “You failed to see the “grandmotherly love” in her response when she said “Why would he even study at Uni if he is just going to end up working in a kitchen?”

I honestly don’t even know why I decided to confine my problems to someone who has the same mindset as his barbaric monster-in-law, I obviously wasn’t going to get any words that would help to uplift my spirit (*sigh*) Funny thing is though, if they are the ones who “got hurt” you’re expected to play the role of the cheerleader as well as offer a shoulder to cry on. Pathetic.

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I am a misanthrope. I can’t stand people in general, and statements like “get over it” just makes me hate mankind even more. People are rude, arrogant, and selfish. Which is why I NEVER tell anyone about my problems. I deal with them on my own and I like it that way.

Of course, like most misanthropes, I do have friends, but am very selective about who I encounter. You do something shortly after that I don’t approve of, then you are out of my life forever. And if you tell me to get over it, ADIOS. I don’t know you anymore. You muttering that phrase just proves that you are what is wrong with the world. Simple as that.

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Just “get over it” was something I heard for years after my ex stopped taking his medication for bipolar. I was hurt more by “get over it” because it implies I had the problem instead of HIS medications refused. I was told that I cried to mask my behavior!!! I cried because I was hurt that 1) I could not fix him, 2) no amount of me begging him to take his medications for his diagnosed illness would change that he would probably do so again and 3) our kids has to witness it and simply accept that as “tolerated behavior!” So on top of the hurt, I was devastated by his blame and shame of me! What I realized after his blatant statement that he could not appreciate or respect anything I did for him, I decided to chose myself and the kids. Our mental health was more important than anything else. He even complained to one of his doctors who also told me “ok it’s time to get over it” since it was a few years after the last medication miss. I was shocked once again for somehow being blamed again that it was MY fault! I stopped believing the lies and started to wake up to choosing myself!

163

My mother and one of my sisters (who was not abused) will often make comments in my presence like this (while gossiping about another person they deem not able to get over things that happened in childhood) to cover up the fact that they’re really warning me not to say anything.

“People who are adults should stop blaming others for their failures in life. Get over it already, you are responsible for what your life turned into as an adult!”

“It’s pathetic when someone who is 50 years old still whines about things that happened in childhood. Grow up already!”

“No parent is perfect! I did the best I can! Blaming me for how your life turned out decades later is unfair! You were free to do anything with your life you wanted to as an adult!”

Of course, they make me feel ashamed that here I am, a person over the age of 50, who is still “complaining” about their childhood.

I really never got to address anything anyway because they always head me off at the pass with comments like this so I feel too inferior to say anything and I have mostly given up even trying.”

The few times I have attempted to address issues with my parents and brothers and sisters, the results were:

Father: I don’t remember any of that. No apology because he “doesn’t remember.”

Siblings: So what? We had nicknames we didn’t like either! We don’t dwell on it as adults! You shouldn’t either! There’s something wrong with you!

Mother:

1. Will NEVER admit anything. Ever. Has never apologized ever, except insincerely when trapped in the company of other people outside the nuclear family who know the truth.

2. Turns the subject to bad things that have happened to her in a one-upmanship manner. Ignores what I said and quickly goes into a long litany of her problems, implying that I didn’t have it so bad.

3. Becomes enraged and has a vicious tantrum claiming it’s not her fault I have problems now and I need to get over it and grow up already.

*****

Does anyone have any good answers or counter-statements? Quick ones would be best because they shout me down fast.

All I do is take their crap because they make me ashamed that I am over 50 years old and still won’t get over it.

I don’t know what to say and it makes me feel even more powerless, just like back when I was a child who was a group scapegoat.

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I have full-blown C-PTSD and all the features that accompany it including very poor sleep despite taking a prescription antipsychotic nightly. Hoping to find help, I joined a “secret group” that’s being run on top of Facebook whose non-professional members purport to help people recover from this type of abuse (you might have run into them). Several of the members suggested that I could find the answers myself if I would consider pursuing some form of meditation, and if I were sincere about it I could recover that way. Others said I could only find help through God and reading the Bible. NOBODY suggested I should seek help by consulting a professional therapist (and specifically a trauma therapist like I am currently seeing)! Like your article says these are all equivalent to the message “just get over it”, if I don’t recover I’m either incompetent at meditation or I’m a failed Christian! And the truly shocking part to me is these people actually purport to be there for the purpose of helping me recover, ouch! If THESE folks are clueless then how much better can we expect of the general public, or even the social agencies who are supposed to be helping us recover from our mental health issues? I would like to offer the observation that the primary crisis that’s in a worse epidemic than narcissistic abuse is the general incompetence in recognizing and dealing with it. And I want to sincerely thank Darlene for this wonderful site, I showed my therapist one of her blog entries the other day (the one about “grooming”) as one of the very limited number of websites who absolutely “get it”.

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