Jun
24

The Power of the Lie is Fear by Pam Witzemann

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human objectification

Last week, Pam shared a piece of her story with us in her guest post “To be Objectified is to be Dehumanized” This week Pam shares the next stage of her recovery on the subject of human Objectification. As always, please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. ~ Darlene Ouimet

When the Bubble Popped: My Recovery from Abuse by Pam Witzemann

My sister says that it wasn’t rape. She says that statutory rape laws are “controversial” and for that reason, she doesn’t believe that what happened to me at 16 was statutory rape or any kind of sexual abuse. She believes this because many young men become involved with teenage girls. In her opinion, the man who victimized me was merely a victim of the sexual revolution and I was rebellious. I said that since she doesn’t acknowledge the law, that leaves only opinion and my opinion is as good as hers. Actually, I said, I believe the laws were written for a good reason. I told her that when a young girl (me) was given lots of alcohol and drugs by a grown man who then proceeded to have sex with her in front of other grown men without her knowing, it was criminal. Of course, she didn’t know this because just like the rest of my family of origin, she never asked. However, it never stopped her from using this humiliating and painful time in my life as a means to move me this way and that.

Recently I received a letter from my sister written with the purpose of manipulation. I really have no idea of her true opinion. You see, I set a boundary for my parents. I told them that if they wanted to have a relationship with me then they had to treat me with respect and acknowledge that as a teen, I was a victim of statutory rape.  They also were legally negligent when they knew and did nothing to stop it. My love is unconditional but relationship with me is not. My sister was seeking to remove this new boundary so that things could go back to the way they have always been.

My sister’s letter hurt but she has lost her magic ability to control and direct me. She has lost that power because now, I know the tricks. I’m aware of the tactics. First comes the “I love you” which really means, “are you still tied to me by your heart?” (She knows that I am, for I am a loving person) The next step is to confuse the facts. The more personal, painful facts are the best. Pain causes much useful confusion. Then her judgment comes, her proclamation from God with the warning of the dangerous path I’ve chosen, and then the instructions for how I ought to better lead my life. She grew up inside the same bubble of distortion created my father’s manipulation, lies, neglect, and psychological and emotional abuse that I grew up in. Inside that bubble, we were both taught that we were a part of our father. When we pleased him, we were told that we were like him. When we displeased him, we were like our mother. My sister, brother, and I all naturally wanted to be like our dad and never, ever like our mom. My sister pleased my parents more often, so she was most like my dad. Even though I was much like my mom, I was to try and be more like my sister. My sister grew up to be queen of this world. She became very good at my father’s magic craft of manipulation, even better than he. However, this magic no longer has any power over me. The truth has broken the spell that kept me bound inside the bubble of distortion and under its deadly influence.

The power of the lie is fear. Fear immobilizes and confuses. When a lie is believed, it has the power to kill. I was taught many lies and, as a child, I believed them all. My mind and heart were twisted with them. My spiritual eyes and ears, blinded and stopped by them. Living according to those lies brought me a life of abuse and self abuse. I knew no truth and those lies, compounded by the lies of other abusers in my life, brought me very near to death. By the age of 19, I was shattered, sick of mind, spirit, and my body was emaciated and broken. I found myself at the bottom of a metaphorical deep well with no hope and nothing to grasp hold of to pull myself out. I did have the strength to look up and that is when I saw Jesus and understood who He was. I believed and came alive spiritually to God. I was changed in that I had become a spiritual being as well as one made of flesh and blood. I was not magically transformed into a new person who had no problems. I was still, Pam. I was not instantaneously made perfect but I had a new tool. I had received the will to overcome and I began my climb to the top.

My climb has been long and slow. Many times, I have fallen back into that dark hole and had to start all over again. However, in Jesus (not in Christianity or in church but in the person of Jesus) I found truth, a new way to live, and life.

The first part of my transformation from a life lived by lies to a life lived by truth was mostly outward. I had many deadly habits of self destruction that had to go. At that point in time, I couldn’t say no to others to protect myself but I could say no for God.  Even though I still suffered from the objectification that colored my childhood, I could serve God and find my value in serving Him. I found the strength to give up my drugs. Not in one fell swoop but as a process through which I learned many things about myself and the way that I related to others.

My husband also came into my life and through him; I learned about unconditional love.  I learned what it looks like, feels like, and experienced its power to heal. I, still thinking that in order to be loved that there must be something that I must do to earn it, would ask him why he loved me. He would say, “Just because” or “Because you’re mine” and for a long time, I would be frustrated but then I grew to understand that true love exists with no precondition. He was patient with me through the symptoms of PTSD that we had no name for or the money with which to find out. I would fly into rages and he would patiently say, “I don’t know who you’re so angry with. I didn’t do that to you” and I would have to stop and think of whom it was truly, that I was raging at. He moved me far out into the country because I was too terrified by life in the city. While we still lived in the city, he put up with me borrowing his clothes to wear out alone as I sought protection in being disguised as a boy. He came home every night and never took trips alone because he knew I was too terrified to be alone at night. He did extra errands in town when I was overwhelmed with depression or just too terrified to go out among all those people, not knowing what one of them might do to me next. He put up with my hyper-vigilance as I sought to take control of the uncontrollable. He loved me even though I was sick with what was then an unnamed illness (diagnosed 20 years later as Hepatitis C) that left me fatigued, weak, and not able to do all that other women my age were capable of. He continued to love me when I was misdiagnosed as bi-polar; as I became a fat, psychotropic drug consuming, crazed zombie for eight years. He has loved me through the confrontation of my past and my family that has lasted for the last five years. Through all of it, my husband’s love has never failed. In his face, I see love; in his face, I see God. He does not rule over me but he has given himself unconditionally for me. In this, I am very blessed.

Five years ago, I realized that I had been sexually abused as a teenager. I realized that I was not a whore, as the lie I had been taught said, but that I was a child used by a series of pedophiles. Everything inside of me flipped as my view of myself and the people in my life completely changed. When I quit taking responsibility for those abuses that were not mine, I was also able to quit thinking of myself as responsible to fix all the problems of the people that I loved. I quit trying to control the uncontrollable. This was my first boundary. It led me to confront my family with the truth of what happened to me and that confrontation has helped me to see the areas in which I still needed to set boundaries. That process continues and with each new discovery and each new boundary, I become stronger. I understand my life now, my own behavior, and the behavior of my original family. Everything makes sense. I still serve God, but with the new understanding of my own individuation and with the knowledge that God has created me with my own inherent value. My service to Him is now a choice made out of love and not out of the need for value or for protection from the manipulators/abusers who threatened me as a valueless person.

Though I am not young, this is a new beginning for me. This is the beginning of living my life fully in truth. The bubble of lies, fear, and deception no longer exists for me. It has popped and what remains are the true facts of who I am, what I have been, and the possibilities of what I can become. The Truth has made me free.

Pam Witzemann

Pam Witzemann was born in Santa Fe, NM and is now 54 years old. She has been married for 33 years, raised two boys and has two grandsons. Pam and her husband have had their own business for about twenty years. Pam is a painter and a writer and hopes to make these pursuits more than a hobby in her later years.

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

Related post ~ Missing Self Esteem begins in Childhood

 

Categories : Family

83 Comments

1

I would like to add to this what Darlene and Emerging From Broken has meant to me in my struggle. Confronting my past and my family was a decision I made with virtually no suport except from my husband. I was often told that what I was doing was wrong. Darlene and all of the stories that I’ve read here gave me added confidence that what I was doing was right because it was the pursuit of truth. I am very happy to have continued this journey of truth and will continue it to its very end. I have confidence now and that is a new experience for me. Thank you, Darlene and all of you who have the courage to also pursue truth.

2

Hi Pam
Once again, thank you for guest posting on EFB! I hadn’t thought about this when I asked you but it is high school graduation weekend here in my house and we have a lot of plans this nest two day, so I feel really blessed to have a bit of a break from the blog!
Stuff like this really bugs me. Why does your sister, or anyone else get to decide if what happened to you was wrong or not? How do people grow up thinking that they get to decide and make those judgments… oh wait, she is in the same family that YOU are in… that answers the question. This cycle goes round and round till someone see’s through it as you have done here Pam.

In cases like this, I want to ask “what does I love you even mean?” because the other person is saying that as a preface to telling you off! in addition to what you said Pam, it also means, “you are obligated to believe that I am telling you this for your own good” And what else? are they saying ” You should do as I say because I love you”? Our definition of love got so wrong and so warped in the old system. Where is the support and the acceptance? My heart knows that if something like this happened to my daughter, or my sister, I would be so horrified for her. HOW can people who are supposed to love us have a issue with blaming the abusive event on us? and saying that it wasn’t actually ABUSE? Good grief. Talk about a rabbit trail and those kinds of statements are RE-abuse.
Thanks for sharing this Pam.
Hugs, Darlene

3

“Darlene,

I know how manipulators define love. “I love you” is merely a statement checking to see if you e still tethered to them and thereby under their control. “I love you”(checking the tether) was something said often in my home but real love was missing because it had to be earned.Earned by doing what pleased my dad, i.e. being like him, like the way he pretended to himself that he was.

Even though my sister learned to handle life through manipulation and become the queen of that world she is still lost in those lies. I still hope that someday the truth will penetrate and she will be free also. I do know that it isn’t something I can do for her. The best I can do for both of us is stand my ground and remain truthful.

4

I am so proud of you Pam and it rings true how families use their evil powers over us. By saying to the victim that something did not happen or it wasn’t that bad is their way of forced silence and denial of truth. If you can shame and rewrite my truth, my story to where you look innocent and I look more like the evil, than you have done your job. When I was 8, my mother who I never knew as mentally ill before,revealed her true complicated and dangerous self to me that night; she tried to kill herself and me. That is my truth and it was an ugly one. I remember having to go to school the next day. I remember everyone.around me pretending things were normal because God knows we can’t afford to confront reality on its own terms. No one asked me to talk about what happened. I was explained by my now late grandmother the uselessness of emotions and that I had to be ‘strong’. Even now I struggle with allowing myself the right to my truth,my tragedy. Knowing I was there I have the knowledge to own pain.

5

Hi Celeste,
By doing that they make us the keeper of the evil, we are their scape goat, their sin-eater. In OT times, people were allowed to use an actual scape-goat. When they placed thei r sins upon it, they were then required to send it inot the wilderness. That is a good thing. People ought not be able to use their scape-goat and keep it too. If that is the way my family insists upon useing me, then I’ll remain content here in the wilderness. In the wilderness I am free.

Pam

6

This is a great post. I also identified that “I love you”. When a family member senses me moving away and getting focused on my life, that’s when the “I love you” happens. A check to see if I am still tethered. And my sister also being the queen of that world. Her behavior is so obviously sick to me. I have let go and trying to move away still. The only thing that is tying me is my mother and the issues around taking care of her. The only contact has to do with my mother, who is herself a manipulator and pushed everyone away by her behavior.

7

Also, it has been almost 10 years since I have spoken to my family and 3 since I spoke to my mother. I tried to give my mother another chance and found myself being sucked in by her darkness and dispair. I had hopes but realized this was as far as I could go.

Sometimes I wonder what hurts more : to have continuing flashbacks or to forget. For myself I struggle so deeply with this and yet there is so much hidden in my subconscious that I am afraid to pull out

8

Pam,
Thank you for sharing. I am heartened to hear your understandings and perspectives.. Very, very close to mine.
Yes.. I get the religious and spiritual abuse issues.. been there.. suffered that too. I appreciate your definition of “love” or ” I love you.” statements..I have pondered that statement and come to know it also means, ” I can’t really stand you,you are a real pain in the arse.. but I *have* to say that because I am being obedient to God..” LOL!

Anyway…. I am heartily glad for your loving and insightful hubby; my husband Dan is much like him. I am grateful you can share hard things and help us all…

9

Bonnie,

We all decide what responsibility we owe our parents. It is a highly personal decision. I cared for my parents for 11 years and that was before they really needed care. My dad retired at 40. I and my husband aquieced to their request because they are our parents. The experience was eye opening. I could say it was all a wash but I know if I hadn’t had that experience, I would not have such a true understandng of my life.

Manipulators truly live a life alone with all of their secrets. I think they end up completely alone in the end.

Pam

10

Celeste,

I think those secrets we don’t want to face are boogey men placed inside of our minds through our upbringing. I’ve learned that when I dig those skeletons out of the closet, where they are stinking up the place, and get them out in the sunshine it is much better for me and those around me. That is my journey. We each have to find our own way but to know that there are others helps a lot.

Love,
Pam

11

Vivean,
Manipulators have to see us as objects before they can do what they do. They may be fond of a familian object but that isn’t love. They have little to no empathy.

It helps me also to share.

Love,
Pam

12

I know I have been the scapegoat and sacrifial Lamb. I was the cross bearer for my mother’s sins. The one most responsible for not knowing what to do. To them schizophrenia was fixable, just a little common sense in reprogramming her diseased mind and heart. I believe mental illness kills the mind,heart,and spirit and I somehow had failed to fix all three. Adding to the tragedy of being blamed was not being believed anything was wrong! !

I refuse to be there for them. They thought I couldn’t make it without them. I’m in school and manage quite well in the land of enchantment. I put myself first. I feel no obligation to give more than I have,knowing it would never be returned to me. I will always miss my mother. I long for her and dispise her. But I want to be a living,loving and worthwhile being
So I will be gentle with myself, as best as I can

13

Thanks Pam. I tried to help take care of my mother and then various accusations started. She has the money to take care of herself and refuses to. It wouldn’t be fun to not be able to manipulate people and so that’s what she still does. My sister has joined her in that now and likes to try to pull me back into it. I have a job in another town and they keep telling me to change jobs and live in their small town. She could live with my sister and won’t and won’t pay for a housekeeper. Makes it difficult on everyone, including my brother who also lives there.

14

Celeste,
My parents are mentall ill also. I don’t have a diagnosis but I’m pretty sure my dad is a malignant narcissist and my mom is also narcissitic. I think what you and I may have in common is being made a part of our parent’s mental illness because we were subject to it. I feel sorry for my parents, my sister, but I can’t fix them. I know the same truth that has healed me could also heal them but I can’t force feed it. I also can’t allow myself to be made a part of their illness any more.

We all have to make our own decisions and we all heal in our own time.

My husband calls it the “Land of Entrapment”. He’s an Easterner…I know you have the strength to do well. You have been caring for others all of your life. Caring for yourself should be a piece of cake!

Pam

15

Bonnie,
I think my parents have always wanted the love of a daughter but they missed out on knowing that to have that then they needed to take responsibility as parents and respond to me as a parent. They are more like children who have control of the house. Most of what they do is irritating and it wears you down. An incideous (sp?)evil.They made me responsible for them from the day I was born. Emotionally, anyway. As a child, I was too sick to fill any other need. If your mom has money, then really, all of you are free. The rest is deception. What kind of parent wants to be dependent upon their children? No parent at all…

16

Pam,

I am learning to care for myself and not others, too. I don’t plan on going back to that town for good now and they know it. That’s why they planned a visit up here I think. The only way to get to me is to come where I live and I’m living with other relatives. So, they can start more drama that way or that’s the plan. They haven’t bothered to visit these relatives for some time, but now I have a job I like and focusing on my own life. That’s no fun for them. Narcissists! Yes and they are like children because there’s no reasoning with them.

17

A great post Pam; I can so related to everything you describe. I’m so glad to hear that you have found that unconditional love in your new life:) Thank you for painting part of the picture of these lies by sharing your story.

18

brings to mind the idea of doing a “love” inventory on all of our relationships. think of each relationships you have in which the other person says, “I love you” and then ask yourself WHAT exactly that means in that particular relationship. then ask yourself, eventually, if the relationship is worth keeping and improving as a “love” relationship, or not?

19

Pam,
And thanks for sharing the details about your husband and your struggles and how he has supported you!

20

Bonnie,
I’m glad that you are free and doing well. Keep up the good work. Like you said, there is no pleasing them anyway.

Pam

21

Susan,
Thanks for the encouragement. My husband’s love has a lot to do with showing me what was wrong in my home. Once you’ve had the real thing, the counterfeit is pretty evident!

22

Kate,

That would be a good way to figure out where one stands with people. It’s also a good way to check on the genuine intent of our own heart.

My husband is just a goofy guy but a really sweet, truthful one. My first prayer was asking God to send someone to love me. I met my husband about a month later. He was nothing like the guys I chose, that was the good thing. He is the love of my life and the miracle of my life, as well. I’m getting really mushy now…

Pam

23

Pam . . . how I appreciate your sharing . . . and your mushiness. . . you’ve perhaps returned to me a lost hope . . . that God would send someone to love me. It’s been my prayer that I don’t die without hearing someone say that to me . . .

24

Ultralite,
You are God’s child and my sister in suffering and pursuit of the truth. I love you. I know that is not the same as having someone in your life to love you daily, in the flesh. I will pray with you.

Love,
Pam

25

Ultralite,
YES!! GREAT prayer!!! Keep that going. I never thought that I would, and was ok with that. Then it became priority that I get out of a bad situation. Then God used my parents to open my eyes to more lies, so I ended up in a better situation than ever. I only had one-two friend/s that would say that they would pray that I would find a good mate. And the one friend repeated that “better days are coming.” That was her theme. And it really happened. We will pray for you, too!!

26

Thank you Kate. Thank you Pam. I’d about given up praying. . . God has seemed so absent from my life. Yet somehow I found my way back here — and with Darlene’s (and everyone’s) help, He’s leading me to the truth that will truly set me free.

I am in such a bad spot. . . but today it finally dawned on me — that no other spot is better to get out from, or to leave the dregs of the past . . . to reclaim the truth. It may be a grey day outside, but there’s a wee little light shining inside . . . and like a moth — I’m following it.

Can’t imagine what a “better day would look like,” but if you’ll pray I’ll have one . . . I’ll keep my eyes open. So encouraged to hear that loving, encouraging partners have blessed your lives despite all the traumas. . .

You all are such treasure. My heart is so overcome . . .

27

Ultralite,

I’m crying and I will pray that your day will be brighter and that God’s presense would be very tangible today. I pray that you would be aware of His loving arms around you and that you would find comfort there. God is always right where we left Him.

Love heals. My heart too is overcome.

Pam

28

Pam, I am dismayed by your sister’s ignorance and lack of support. Last year I took a look at the PA “bench book” for sexual assault crimes, and discovered that had the law been applied, my brother had committed 5 felonies against me when he was 16 and I was 12. Bottom line: he was old enough to make choices; I was young enough to not consent. You can go to the http://www.ndvrc.org and find comprehensive info on laws. But does it take a law to know you were betrayed, violated, invaded, manipulated? I know too many women who were sexually abused who were MIS diagnosed and treated for bi-polar. And yes, the meds made me fat and stupid. “It is the darkness that makes the light visible.”

29

Pam,
I hope you don’t mind, but I reworked and posted the “four-point sister letter” as we now call it:

“My sister’s letter hurt but she has lost her magic ability to control and direct me. She has lost that power because now, I know the tricks. I’m aware of the tactics. First comes the “I love you” which really means, “are you still tied to me by your heart?” (She knows that I am, for I am a loving person) The next step is to confuse the facts. The more personal, painful facts are the best. Pain causes much useful confusion. Then her judgment comes, her proclamation from God with the warning of the dangerous path I’ve chosen, and then the instructions for how I ought to better lead my life. She grew up inside the same bubble of distortion created my father’s manipulation, lies, neglect, and psychological and emotional abuse that I grew up in. Inside that bubble, we were both taught that we were a part of our father. When we pleased him, we were told that we were like him. When we displeased him, we were like our mother. My sister, brother, and I all naturally wanted to be like our dad and never, ever like our mom. My sister pleased my parents more often, so she was most like my dad. Even though I was much like my mom, I was to try and be more like my sister. My sister grew up to be queen of this world. She became very good at my father’s magic craft of manipulation, even better than he. However, this magic no longer has any power over me. The truth has broken the spell that kept me bound inside the bubble of distortion and under its deadly influence.”

along with a photo of my family’s oldest tombstone from our family cemetary on facebook and it is getting lots of likes! Stay tuned for more thoughts on this!!

30

it is better than the three-point sermon, the five points of Calvinism, the road to damascus or eternal life, the book of colors from AWANA!!! The four-point sister letter!! Never to be forgotten.

I would say that those four points characterized way too many of my “friendshits” for most of my life!!

31

OOOPs

Here is what I actually posted:

My sister’s letter hurt but she has lost her magic ability to control me, because I now know the tricks. First: “I love you” which really means, “do I still have control over you?” Second: confuse the facts. The more personal, painful facts are the best. Pain causes much useful confusion. Third: her judgment, her proclamation from God with the warning of the dangerous path I’ve chosen, and fourth: instructions for how I ought to better lead my life. I didn’t recognize the tactics for a long time because we both grew up inside the same bubble of distortion created my father’s manipulation, lies, neglect, and psychological and emotional abuse. We were taught that we were a part of our father. When we pleased him, we were “like” him. When we displeased him, we were “like” our mother. My sister, brother, and I all naturally wanted to be like our dad and never, ever like our mom. My sister pleased my parents more often, so she was most like my dad. Even though I was much like my mom, I was to try and be more like my sister. My sister grew up to be queen of this world and became very good at my father’s magic craft of manipulation, even better than he. However, this magic no longer has any power over me. The truth has broken the spell that kept me bound inside the bubble of distortion and under its deadly influence.
from emergingfrombroken

32

Lynn,
Ignorance hurts but willful ignorance is another animal. Some of it, I think, is left over from a kind of hill billy view of when girls should marry. My sister married into a family that marries their children off very young. My sister also married at 16. She married a man who operates much like our dad. She is still immersed in that world that exists inside the bubble of manipulation, denial, lies, and pretense. The same truth that has freed me also has the power to free her if she will embrace it. I’m hoping that my refusing relationship could be the beginning of that bubble tearing. I know I can’t help her by continuing to subject myself to it. None of us are able to embrace the truth for anyone but ourselves.

Pam

33

Kate,
If what you have posted helps people learn not to be manipulated then I am glad because that is why I shared it. However, I am still tethered to my baby sister through my love for her. I know that manipulators work to use that against their target but I will always love my sister. My love for her is unconditional but relationship isn’t. There are many prayers in my life that have yet to be answered, just like Ultralite. One of them is that my sister would be able to come out from inside the false self she has created and experience true love. I pray that she would be able to recognize it. She mistakenly defines love as admiration and she does have that. She does not really recognize the kind of love that has the power to heal her. She is as lost inside the coping mechanism that she chose in order to survive as I am in mine. I don’t want to punish her. I want her to be well and my hope is that my standing for truth could be the beginning of the tearing of the bubble of lies and pretense that have distorted her very being. I too was once that distorted by my own coping mechanisms. I too have been hurtful not knowing any other way to live.

If truth spoken here could begin to heal the victims then maybe it could spread even to the perpetrators. Really, we are all one and the same. I know it is probably just a dream but I dream it anyway.

I am so touched by all of the support and love that I am receiving in response to this post. It is powerful.

Love,
Pam

34

Pam,
Your sister’s observation of YOU getting stronger/living truth instead of previous lies is the best help for setting her own self free.

35

Pam — what a vision! Thank you so much for sharing. . . (you, too, Kate) — powerful, powerful words and thoughts being spoken. So much hope and love. . . Even my dreams are different as this information is being processed. . .

36

Long, deep, satisfied siggggghhhhh…;0) All things aren’t good but God really does work all things together for our good.

I’ll talk to you sisters later.

Love,
Pam

37

Words have always been terribly important to me. A belief that caused me to seek college credits in writing creative stories and writing to communicate effectively.
There are certain words I hate so much I absolutely refuse to use them.
The first thing we were taught about words is that when people communicate they do it through images, beliefs, and experiences they’ve had in their childhood and young adulthood. That’s why one word may not affect one person but may really upset another. And that’s where the main issue with communicating becomes difficult.
Well, I hate the word trigger, b/c it reminds me of having a gun held at my head for hours. Not only did the person HOLD the gun to my head, but he amused himself by torturing me with thoughts of my own death; phrases like ‘Tell me where you think you’re going to go after I shoot you with this here gun,’ fell out of his mouth as easily as the phrase ‘How are you doing today’ might have done.
I also hate the words objectified and pedophile. First of all, pedophile is a misleading word and doesn’t even apply itself to the meaning of the prefix and suffix that make up the word; pedo, meaning child and phile, meaning an extreme love for. I refuse to believe pedophiles have ANY love for kids and prefer to use the word pedophobe, which means an extreme hate of children stimulated by an irrational fear of them.
They don’t call homophobes homoPHILES, why do they have to call it that when they’re talking about pedophiles. Well, that’s my opinion, I don’t expect to change how other people use the word. But I refuse to EVER use a suffix that means ‘intense or excessive love’ when referring to a person who sexually assaults children. It has nothing whatsoever to do with ANY type of love.
And, as for objectified, well it might be obvious to some people why the word makes me cringe. But, for those who have no idea, all I can say is every memory I have from my childhood is one of being treated like an object.
I actually think they treated objects better than me, especially if said object was a 24-pack of Coors beer. He treated an alcoholic beverage with a reverence that was sick even by an alcoholic’s standards. I’m constantly surprised that he never built a shrine in homage to alcohol.
And my mom treated an egg in a frying pan with more respect than she did me. Especially on the day that I was bleeding profusely (I know you bleed a lot from your face even when the wounds aren’t that serious-we learned it in Paramedic training-but SHE didn’t know that for God’s sake), and all she could do was get out a frying pan, extract an egg from the refrigerator, crack it in the skillet and watch while it cooked. And, as for my perspective, I never would have guessed she even knew I was there, with blood running down my face, b/c she never acknowledged that she even saw me.
As an EMT, I haven’t seen a parent yet who hasn’t become hysterical when they see their young children bleeding out any amount of the fluid, but my mom was able to fry an egg while I was bleeding profusely and even give the impression that she never saw me standing there.
Sometimes, I wish I’d never become an EMT to find all this out in the first place. Before I saw people who DID care what happens to their kids, I never knew there was a difference.
My brothers and sisters hate that I became a paramedic, b/c it’s what sparked my anger into a flame of action.
You can’t see what we see and ignore what’s going on. There’s no possible way to do it without destroying yourself, and I refused to let THAT happen either.

38

That information about Jesus is exactly why I was kicked out of my church. I had no understanding of-and still don’t comprehend-what ‘good’ he’s going to work out of watching my daughter’s dad be murdered on September 11, 2001.
They got frustrated that I was taking so long and being so obstinate about this that they just made it clear in ways other than using their mouths that they want nothing to do with me.
And I still have no idea what ‘good’ he’s going to bring from that situation.

39

Vicki,
I’m sorry this has upset you so. I never meant it to upset anyone. There is a lot that I don’t understand and their is more evil in the world than I could ever comprehend. I’ve barely been able to comprehend the evil in my own life and keep my sanity. I used the phrase ‘work to our good’ in the specific sense that I was talking to Ultralite and Kate and how the events in our lives had brought us together for this one special moment. I buried the sexual abuse that I suffered as a teenager for thrity years. I never would have dreamed that when I finally did start to talk about it that it could be used to bring people comfort. That is what I was happy about.

I would never kick anyone out of anywhere because of what they believed, didn’t believe, or struggled with. We all have questions about God and why such horrible things happen. I don’t have those answers. I do believe that God cares about everyone not just me. He also allows us our own free will to do good and evil. I just don’t blame God for the things human beings choose to do to one another. That is because my faith is a refuge for me. It isn’t something that I have a desire to force on any other. My faith is why I lived to talk about some of the things that happened to me. I can’t be honest about my life and leave my faith in Jesus out of it. It was never meant to offend or to trigger anything. I have triggers too but the people that they come by seldom mean to do anything to cause me any harm. I don’t mean you or anyone else any harm. I only wish you well.

I don’t always use words as exactly as I probably should but to be honest, I didn’t even know all those things about the word pedophile. I only used it in the common way that I hear it used every day.

I am sad about all that you have seen and had to go through. I hope you find the answers that you need. I know that I don’t have the answers for anyone else but myself. I only shared my story with the intent of others finding in my experience something that spoke to them and perhaps would encourage them along their own way.

Pam

40

Pam ~ I just read your post and so many things jumped out at me! As a teen I wasn’t raped but came awfully close. I was fed by a guy an incredible amount of alcohol and I was also likely drugged. I was at a party at age 19 – and this guy got me in a room with him with me having no idea what was really happening until he started trying to take my clothes off. This is when I started fighting and telling him to stop. What saved me was my younger sister (who was the ‘golden child’ in our family) who started banging on the door, yelling repeatedly until this guy relented and let me out from under him. My mother labeled me a whore long before I was sexually active – but the label became moreso after this incident. The guy who tried to have sex with me was someone I had a crush on at the time – and just because I had a crush on him did NOT make this incident my fault – but my mother and my sister made it my fault!! BIG TIME! My virginity was almost taken against my will – I was (I’m sure) drugged as well … and yet my mother was more concerned about her favourite daughter’s humiliation than she was about my safety and the injustice almost done to me.

Undoing the lies (of which this was only a few months ago) helped me see the truth with greater clarity than I ever had before. My mother punished me greatly for ‘allowing’ someone to get me drunk on an alcoholic drink I had never had before … and after talking to a nurse about the effects I experienced, she figured I was also likely drugged. I was sick for three days. My mother had no compassion or concern for me at all – ever. She took a sick joy in my misfortunes ALWAYS.

I became a born again believer at the age of 26 when I was at my ‘bottom.’ I met my husband (also born again) and he was the first person to ever show me real, true, authentic love – no conditions attached. It amazes me still how he loves me. I was always taught I didn’t deserve love, that love was earned (trouble was I could never earn it) … so even when I found out that God’s love was unconditional I was overwhelmed with emotion, overwhelmed by His mercy and grace, that He could ever love someone like me. He changed me and my life in ways I know I couldn’t have. I’ve been married 17 1/2 years to the most wonderful and patient man EVER. God knew I needed this one … which was even more proof of God’s love for me.

And so true how real healing begins with the truth … He whom the Son sets free, is free indeed!!

41

Rise,
Thank you so much for sharing that. I never spoke aloud of the incident above until the response to my sister’s letter last week. It is still amazing to me that I could keep it secret so long and then when I finally let it out, it has become a blessing.I think it really is true that if we bring those dark things into the light, they become light. So many people get the idea that their testimony is about how perfect they are or appear. It’s really about how imperfect we are and how God loves us anyway.

I was always taught that if I lost my virginity I would be used merchandise. What value I had would be lost. At fourteen, I spent the night with a girlfriend. We were playing with makeup and her dad and brother (18)came in. Here dad kept commenting on how beautiful I was, telling his son to look at me. He had me stand up and turn my face from side to side so that they could ‘admire’ my looks. I can’t describe how creepy and intimidating that felt. They put me to sleep in their sons bed and he was supposed to sleep with his little brother,my friend with another sister. I was alone in my friend’s brother’s bed. He came in and I was so mortified that I couldn’t speak. I’m not even sure that the act was completed but to my child’s mind it was. I was ruined. I was terrified that I was pregnant. I thought it was my fault because I’d also been taught that it was impossible to really rape a woman. When I was nearly fifty, I realized what had really happened. I tried to tell my family of origen about it and my mom and sister acted like they would get dirty hearing about it. Their attitude shut me up before I could really give them any details. The same with this later incident. I ended up being led away from home by this man. It ruined my life. My parents have never asked what happened to me. It was all about them. How ‘wild’ I was and how I had hurt them. They care more about the man who hurt me and whether he has been forgiven than what I have suffered. I was branded before I even had a start in life. It took a lot to prove to me that I really was valuable. I think it was something that only God could do. He did that through my dear husband.

Pam

42

Pam ~ I so feel for you there … God did the same for me through my husband … we are truly blessed having such loving, godly men to call our own. Sounds like your family of origin is a lot like mine. My mother hasn’t been in my life for 11 years and she never will be now. (I’m 45 years old) Last summer I finally got so (righteously) angry that I confronted my father (divorced from my mother for many years) and my siblings … I got the impression that they all had a family meeting, because after I sent them all the letter that FULLY disclosed my mother’s abuse – they all replied, “We don’t want to hear about it and we don’t want to talk about it.” Thank God that my in-laws are more family to me than my own. They know how to love! 🙂

43

Pam ~ I forgot to include … just like with you and your family, mine is also the same when it comes to everything being about them. I refuse to fit the idea they have of me – which to me is negative and unrealistic.

44

Rise,
I can never go back to living under that cloud. Now that I’m free of their manipulation, understand it,and am no longer fooled by it, I feel as if some evil force that has watched my every move all my life is gone. I am like a puppet freed from its puppeteer and the strings that governed it movement.

This is a big step for me. I’m so happy to be who I am to have my husband and my life. The family we’ve built is not a perfect family. I know my struggles have hurt my kids but I love them as they are and we all stick together through all of our trials. It is love that makes the difference and my hope is that someday this crap will no longer be passed down from generation to generation because love will have finally cured the problem. When we quit loving and decide to become like the enemy, we have lost the battle. I know that is why my family always defends those who abuse me. Abusers stick together.

I’m glad for both of us that God has given us our freedom and new and loving families to boot. My inlaws are gone now but I loved them dearly and I know they loved me too. They actually saw me and took the time to know me rather than reshape and remold me. They too were an important influence in showing me my way out of the darkness. Here’s to living in the light!

Pam

45

So true Pam – when I confronted my family and risked the rejection (thus being rejected) I never expected total freedom. It really is like coming out of a cloud or fog and seeing things in the sunlight with full clarity. It is very much being a puppet freed from the puppeteer’s strings (manipulations and guilt trips, etc.) … finally being allowed to be ‘real.’

My little family isn’t perfect either – and I don’t care … I care that there is love for my husband and kids that is unconditional – that our family is their safe place to not only be who they are but also their safe place to fall and their safe place to start again. Children are not meant to be lived through, but lived for.

Here IS to living in the light! 🙂

~ Risé

46

I hope nobody thinks I was fishing for an apology, or something. I wasn’t.
I’m only upset at those particular people, especially since they found out information and withheld it from me, only to go around telling everyone they saw that I was lying about everything I’ve ever said. That’s too long a story to get into since it isn’t strictly about me, but they believe that about everything.
I mean the pastor’s wife was abused, and she told us that “It was supposed to happen to [her]. That, for whatever reason, she was chosen for it to happen.
Half the congregation thought she was using a “cop out, to explain away a painful situation.”
That’s what one of my friends called it, or former friends. Everyone, except one person, stopped being my friend after I stopped going to church. But I honestly believe going would make me not just a hypocrite but a KNOWN hypocrite. I mean I already know I don’t believe what they say-or I can’t understand it-and I would have to act like I do get the picture in order to stay there. If I did that, I think I’d be a phony person. I have enough issues without adding phoniness to the batch.

47

Dear Pam

My story is quite different then yours so i don’t know exactly how you feel but I can feel for you.. and weep at all the suffering you had to go through.. .

I know the feeling of hearing abusers denying any guilt. My abusers reason for not be guilty was because I should never had been born.. i was at fault for coming out some how and everything that happened to me I deserved and I was supose to be grateful to even be allowed to stay in the family where everyone else was wanted..

I still cry thinking that people of God excused and took the part of my abusers making me feel shame for even bringing family secrets to God’s House..

I am only beginning..just starting to realize.. how many lies I believed and how much these lies kept me from a happy healthy life.. I am grateful to have a place like this and my “T” to work with me as I try to sort through the many lies that are etched in my soul.

I am so truly sorry Pam for the terrible injustice and suffering you went through and glad you found your way to healing . .Thank you for sharing your victory over all the lies that held you hostage for so long. .am looking forward to my own freedom..

warm hugs and much love (if ok)

Joy

48

‘When I quit taking responsibility for those abuses that were not mine, I was also able to quit thinking of myself as responsible to fix all the problems of the people that I loved. I quit trying to control the uncontrollable. This was my first boundary’
That’s really good to read. I’m only just figuring this out I think. Where you wrote that you ‘quit trying to control the uncontrollable’ is really why I feel such a failure. I have these impossible challenges I set myself that I simply cannot solve or do. I try and ‘figure them out’ and yet it’s impossible. No human can. It’s like taking on responsibility for all the mistakes of the world. And recently I’ve been getting very angry and it’s been coming out not very skillfully too, I guess if you keep it in for so long that’s what happens. But I’m angry for all the times I ‘took it’, out of love… Thinking that was the ‘right’ thing to do… When in actuality I accepted all these misnomers, that I was bad, that it was something I had done, that I deserved it (to be treated badly), that I wanted it ( to be abused). And also I was in such a fog I couldn’t even see it was abuse so often. If I felt bad or it hurt I thought it was because there was something wrong with me. Because surely everyone who was normal weren’t like me. So many lies. Whenever I see a little bit of truth for the first time, I seem to get this angry reaction after, really hard to be skillful with it

49

Vicky,
Thanks for clarifying. I don’t think any of us should force ourselves to be a part of something that we’re not. I agree. I prefer a place or a fellowship where everyone is allowed to be what they are, where all views have validity and are allowed to be expressed. If I can’t find a group like that, I try to live my life that way. I’m not on a mission to make clones of myself. I know that often, people who are use religeon as a tool.

I guess we all have our own view of suffering and even though I do believe that good often does come out of our suffering,eventually,I don’t accept suffering that I can avoid. I don’t think that suffering is something to be sought out or that I was made to suffer.I want to be happy, I don’t want to suffer. There was a time that I accepted it as who I was but that time is past. I may have to suffer at times, but I don’t believe that I was created for the purpose of suffering.

There was a lot of pain in your previous comment and I was unclear as to what you were saying to me but I never thought you were fishing for an apology. It is fine with me that you say what you need to say. I didn’t take anything as a personal attack and that is the line, I believe, when it comes to expressing out point of view. Thanks for bravely doing just that.

Pam

50

Joy,
I’m glad you were born, sweetie. Your family is deaf and blind and they missed out on the greatest blessing of their lives. I have read parts of your story and it breaks my heart for you.You definately bring out the mother in me.

I am much farther down the road to healing than I was. I am free of the puppeteers in my life. I still hurt sometimes and I still probably have a lot to deal with concerning the sexual abuse. There is still so much of that I haven’t even spoken outloud about. I’m still growing too. Life seems to be a process of wounding and healing. I’m glad to be in a healing stage. I’m glad to be here healing with you.

Thank you for your love and hugs and also for respecting my personal boundaries enough to ask if that is okay. That kind of consideration is rare and precious to me. Just as you too are precious.

Love Always,
Pam

51

Louise,
It’s hell carrying the weight of the world and to feel that you are responsible to prevent every bad thing that might occur from happening. Its horrible to feel that it is your fault for not preventing them when they do occur. One thing that my husband has repeated to me most all of our married lives it, “Quit beating up on yourself, Pamela!”. I really didn’t know where I ended and others began. The family I grew up in is so emeshed and the men who abused me at the end of my formative years, trampled any personal boundary that I might have been able to develop on my own. It reached a crisis point where I was sick and facing my own mortality, caring for my very difficult to care for parents, trying to help my out-of-control nephew, deal with my own son who was the one I was truly responsible for (many of his problems had much to do with my lack of personal boundaries)and I finally cracked under the weight. A friend gave me a book on boundaries and it was a reveleation, a life changing epiphony to realize I had the power to stop all of this. It was hard. It went against everything I’d been taught about myself and it took some anger to accomplish setting that first boundary. It didn’t always express itself in a constructive way but anger is a main component of our self defense mechinism. It is a great pain killer and can help us to do the painful things that will help us to get better. It can be a very useful tool for good when we can keep it under our control and direct it. There are those times though when something just hurts and we naturally respond in anger. I still get mad too when I realize all the hard work that has been given to me just because some people refuse to treat me with respect. We all deserve to be respected as fellow human beings and not used for the sick purposes of others. I’m mad with you! I haven’t heard my husband tell me to quit beating up on myself for a few years now. That is a miracle in my life that never would have occurred if I hadn’t gotten mad.

52

Vicky,
I was thinking abaut your comment and I have another take on it if you are interested. When people accept suffering as God’s will it is a spiritual act of creating a positive from the negative. We don’t overcome evil with evil but with good. Focusing on the good strengthens us to overcome the evil.

Pam

53

Joy,

your comment:

“I still cry thinking that people of God excused and took the part of my abusers making me feel shame for even bringing family secrets to God’s House..”

That isn’t God and those aren’t God’s people…

54

Hi Kate

I know now its not but all my life I believed it was .. up till 2010.. that I lost so much believing so many lies. and keeping in so much because it was what one should do to become “more pleasing to God” ..

Right now .. I talk to the Divine.. within my heart and feel there I am safe.

Joy

55

Pam, what a wonderful story of healing. Thank you for sharing it.

Being an incest survivor, I had no idea what boundaries were. I used walls that kept you out but they also kept me trapped inside. When I got into 12-Step meetings back in 1989, John Bradshaw was widely known and quoted. He is still one of my favorites when I need information about dysfunctional families. I think I have read all of his books.

Healing The Shame That Binds You helped me to see that shame wasn’t mine. It belonged to my abusers. Shame wasn’t who I was. It said everything about the secrets and the actions of my abusers and nothing about the child or adult that I was. I was able to let go of the shame and stop blaming myself for the incest. I did nothing to cause it or to bring it on myself as a child or teenager.

I learned about dysfunctional family systems in Bradshaw’s book called On The Family(not sure if that is the correct name). Being the family hero, I was the caretaker of everyone in my family as a child and as an adult I continued to think that I could fix everyone in my world. I was my father’s favorite child.

My brother was the lost child with no real value or place in the family because of his borderline mental retardation. He was my mother’s favorite child.

My sister was the family scapegoat which means she could never do anything right no matter how hard she tried. I am not sure that I could say she was anybody’s favorite child – mother or father except when they needed someone to blame. My father and brother abused my sister when she was a teenager and even adult by calling her whore and other names.

Leaving behind the dysfunctional family system is never an easy thing to do. I, too, have been blessed with my faith in God and with a good, loving, supportive husband who still loves me despite all of the Hell that my healing from incest has put both of us through over the years (38 years).

Despite the pain of digging deeper into the incest issues recently and finding another garbage pile smelly and festering from the feelings and memories of the past, I am still in a better place than I have ever been before. Today, I have the tools to do the work that I still need to do. In the beginning, I had no tools.

I appreciate every blog article, guest blogger, everyone who leaves a comment here and especially Darlene for the healing and the caring that you all offer here each time I visit. We are each others’ support system. I thank you all for that.

56

Patricia,
Thank you. Especially thank you for sharing the roles assigned to you in your family. They are so much like mine. My sister is the golden child, my mohter’s favorite,and your story gives me hope that someday her eyes might be opened. For now, shes stuck trying to fix me and patch up the problems that everyone wants to deny.

Incest must be so hard to grapple with.I know that what makes the sexual abuse so difficult is the very personal nature of sex and being violated on that intimate level. I have an idea of what your struggle is but I know I don’t know it in full. I do support you in your quest for truth and healing.

I’m thankful for Darlene and everyone who comments here too. It is a wonderful thing to give victims their voice. There is a power in it that I am unable as yet to describe.

Pam

57

Pam,
I can relate to this that you said:

“One thing that my husband has repeated to me most all of our married lives it, “Quit beating up on yourself, Pamela!”.”

Do you have any specific stories/examples of this that you can share?

And also, was there a breakthrough moment when you realized that his advice was good?

58

Kate,
Most of it related to my children. I was always trying so hard to be a good parent. I didn’t have good programming in that area and I had to really think about everything I did with them. When things would go wrong, it would send me into a tailspin, backtracking, trying to see what I did wrong. The worst was when my youngest became depressed and was later diagnosed as bipolar. This sounds so stupid but I ended up being misdiagnosed as bipolar in part because I was so sure it was somehow my fault. (That was a horrible time in our life. The meds made my son much worse and of course that really is a lot my fault.)I think I always knew it was good advice but I didn’t know how to stop myself. My foundations told me that when things went wrong, it was my fault. That went the other way too in that I was always trying to prevent things going wrong for my children and husband. From my side, it appeared that I was giving everything I had to love and protect my loved ones. From their point of view, I was controlling. It took a major crisis in my ability to carry it all to make me begin to see that there was an end to myself and a place where others began. My family of origen was so heavily emeshed,( as one person really, my dad)with me bearing the weight of emotional responsibility that I had little concept of myself as an individual. I couldn’t apply what my husband said because it went against my most basic program. I had to start by applying personal boundaries to my life and as I’ve done so my thinking has changed. I’m now responsible for me. You don’t hear me saying “I’m sorry” for everything that goes wrong.

I hope that made sense, Kate.

Pam

59

Pam,
Yes, it makes sense and I can relate to your examples of how you tried so hard to be a good parent. I didn’t have the same continuity in my situaion since we divorced when they were 15,12,11,9. So things really changed, but not quite the way they would have if we had stayed in the same family arrangement. So, thanks for sharing these!

60

Pam, my younger sister and I have a relationship today better than anything we have ever had. I attribute most of it to the fact that I quit being a caretaker and quit trying to fix her like you said your sister does to you. When I quit trying to fix her, then we became equals and friends as well as sisters. It would start when she would ask my opinion about something in her life. I would give her advise and tell her what to do. She would listen and then not do whatever I told her. She would resent me just because she had to ask and I would resent her because after asking she didn’t do what I told her was best. There was anger and resentment on both sides. When I learned my lesson and quit giving advice, we got along better. At first my sister was puzzled when I would tell her that she had all of her own answers. She didn’t know how to react. After awhile she got used to it and very slowly our relationship began to change. Now we like each other as friends as well as sisters. I don’t cry every time that we get off of the phone. I haven’t done that in years. There is always hope for you and your sister but only when she is willing to change. It isn’t something that you can do for her.

61

kate,
I’ve been thinking about this some more and it was more than ending the emeshment of my identity in my own thinking. It was when I realized that I had been sexually abused and that those horrible things were not what I had done to myself. That went immediately to understanding how my being told, beginning at six, that I was responsible for my parent’s drinking. I don’t know how to describe it other than to say that my whole understanding of myself and the way I relate to others flipped. I was changed.

Pam

62

Patricia,
You just described my relationship with my sister. The only difference is that I’m the one getting well first. How do you think you would have reacted had your sister been the first one to change the function of your relationship? I also think that my sister has it in her head that dysfunction is normal that we should fill in the gaps for one another in a family. I know that she has seen herself as my mother because that role is such a complete vacuum in my life. She is close to her mother-in-law and has her need for mom met in her.

I know I can’t make her understand. She is a very stubborn woman. She’s had to be. Even when we fight, I tell her that I love her and pray for her and I do. I’ve told my parents also that I continue to love them in prayer and hope that God changes their hearts towards me but they must treat me with respect and quit blaming me for the sexual abuse. I’m trying very hard to draw these tough boundaries, that they don’t understand, in love.

Thanks for sharing this with me, Patricia.

Love,
Pam

63

Pam, when I was still in the dysfunction of incest and finding my value through helping others, I probably would have been very much like you sister and would have resisted any change. It was only when I had been in 12-Step programs for a few years that this change happened. It happens because I was unhappy enough and hurting enough to make the change in myself. My sister still sometimes asks me for advice. I tell her if she doesn’t want me to tell her the truth don’t ask. My sister still lives in the dysfunction.

64

61-
YES! I had the same kind of experience when I realized that my ex was abusing me, not acting in a way that I caused him to act because I was so hard to get along with, as my mother had led me to believe from childhood.

65

Patricia,
Thank you. I am assured that what I’m doing is the right thing, stand my ground and pray.

Love,
Pam

66

Kate,
For me it was like everything that confused me about my life was suddenly right side up and a missing part of myself reclaimed.

Pam

67

Pam,
YES, all of life started to make sense, and it was just as I was getting a divorce and moving my kids across country, so lots of things took a while to fall into focus. But it was so great to get that rush of reality, that making sense out of everything.

68

Pam,

I wonder at this comment:

“If truth spoken here could begin to heal the victims then maybe it could spread even to the perpetrators. Really, we are all one and the same.”

Really, we are all one and the same? I am confused. What do you mean?

69

Hi Everyone!
Wow, there is lots of great conversation going on in this post! Thanks again Pam for taking care of things SO WELL ~ I took most of the weekend off to be with my daughter for her graduations and celebrations and it was a wonderful time!

I have not caught up on all the comments yet; I have another busy week and another graduation next weekend, this time for my son!

I want to answer so much, but yikes… I am short on time.

I want to address the comment that Kate just made:

#68 ~ My hope and dream is to reach the victims before they become perpetrators. All abuse has its roots in victim mentality. The perpetrators have to find the truth as well in order to stop their abusive behaviour. I don’t think that the comment meant to imply that victims are that same as abusers but rather that abuse begins in somewhere, and abusers were once born innocent children too. This is a cycle that will only be stopped through healing the victims/survivors so that they are able raise the new generations in the right definition of love, empowering children to be who they really are.

Hugs, Darlene

70

Darlene,
thanks for addressing the question that I raised in #68.

71

Kate,
I never meant to imply that abusers shouldn’t be held accountable but only that their problems began by themselves being somehow abused. We all choose between good and evil and abused children who become abusers have chosen the evil. I still believe that if they embraced truth they too could be healed.

Thanks, Darlene for catching the ball I dropped. That’s what the pros are for.

Pam

72

Hi Pam,
I got your email through the contact form, and I am NOT getting your emails. I don’t think you are getting mine either. I just sent you another email. Have you checked your blocked mail list or your spam or junk mail folder?
Darlene

73

I want to add to this something that I probably should have included in my original post. The Statutory Rape Law in NM reads as consent at sixteen but if under 18 the adult must be less than four years older. In my case, the man was nearly twice that. If my parents had chosen to try and help me, I don’t think there would have been any doubt that he had broken the law. My sister doesn’t have a leg to stand on but still insists on painting the picture the way my parents painted it to her decades ago.

74

Pam,
And good for you doing your homework. I would guess that your sister knew this as well. It seems that when what they say is a lie, the louder they say it, the more insintent they become, compounding the lies, adding to the lies, that THEY are your source of information!

75

I had a really tough time with having to “prove” everything because other people told me that I was wrong. Part of my healing has been to validate myself and my feelings becasue I KNOW that what happened was wrong. So much abuse is NOT legally liable, (such as verbal abuse, or psychological abuse) and yet causes the same damage. The fact that your family Pam, did not do anything and still insist that it was not legally liable, is about them and they know that you know it now. (I get this vision of the wicked witch in the wizzard of oz screaming “I’m melting I’m melting” when abusers realize they have been found out.) They want to live in this perfect bubble of denial, but you won’t live there anymore, and it kills them to have to be accountable for any of this. Ha… but we can finally be free and not worry about what “they” are feeling anymore.
Hugs, Darlene

76

kate,
I have no idea what she knows but I do know now that there is no true ignorance that can be corrected with facts. The ignorance is willful. Ignorance is always hurtful but willful ignorance is evil.

77

they so enjoy watching you squirm while trying to prove your point of view

78

Darlene,
Thanks for that and I know you are right. What happened to me would be abuse even if it weren’t illegal. My family is siding with the abuser because they are like minded. I nearly had a heart attack last night when I saw a link back to here on my Facebook page as many aquaintances that are in common between my sister and I visit my page. Then I stopped and really thought about what I was doing. I was protecting the abusers in my life it isn’t wrong for me to speak outloud and in public about what was done to me. What they did to me is wrong. I also tried for five years to get through to them and I never gained even an inch. If they would have functioned as a true family and validated my abuse, I never would have needed to come here. If they suffer because of what I’ve said then they are suffering from their own wrong doing and not mine.

I’m getting there…

Love,
Pam

79

kate,
I hate to acknowledge that but I’m afraid it might be true. I’m done squirming…I’m feeling kind of sad today, please pray for me.

Love,
Pam

80

Pam,
It is ok to feel sad. You aren’t losing anything (good) by telling it like it is. The really strong point about EFB is that these are the underlying causes of depression. SO it is a win-win to do this work.

81

Hi Eveyrone!
Pam and Kate,
I just published a new post about what you just said Kate ~ that we aren’t losing anything by telling it like it is/was and how it was the true foundation of my depressions.. (funny how that works! )

You can read the post here: Take the good with the bad, or the bad with the good?
Hugs, Darlene

82

kate,
I think the sadness comes from finding out that I’m not even losing what I thought I had. I never had it in the first place. It was all illusion.I know I’m getting better though because I’m only a little sad, I’m not in a full blown depression, overwhelmed by what I can’t figure out. I understand now and that gives me the courage to continue rather than withdraw and hide out in my cave.

I’m thankful that I do have EFB.

83

Dear Ultralite, in comment #23, you wrote:

“you’ve perhaps returned to me a lost hope . . . that God would send someone to love me. It’s been my prayer that I don’t die without hearing someone say that to me . . .”

Don’t give up praying! When I was finally healed enough, and my husband was finally healed enough, we met… I was 50, he was 54. We married the following year, when I was 51 and Stan was 55. That was 7 years ago, this month… the best years of my life, by far!

It happened, as I say, when we were finally healed enough, of our respective PTSD, that we could get along well and not blow it. But we were both still a long ways from being totally healed, and we still aren’t either one of us totally healed, far from it. But together we grow and heal a little more every day.

My aunt, widowed after almost 45 years of marriage, fell in love and was remarried at age 70. She and her 69-year-old husband are so in love and so perfect together.

Falling in love can happen at any age, and there’s nothing like falling in love to make you feel young again. I had given up on men, and Stan had given up on women, and then we met, when we weren’t even trying to find someone anymore. The time was right, we were finally right.

I believe that just as God gives us water to satisfy our thirst, and he gives us food to satisfy our hunger, he gives us someone to love, who will love us back in a healthy way, to satisfy that longing as well. Seek, and when the time is right, you will find.

Lynda

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