Comments on: The Fear of Setting Personal Boundaries http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/ from surviving to thriving on the journey to wholeness Mon, 21 May 2012 21:15:58 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Self Worth; Where does it Come From? :: Emerging From Broken http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-5133 Self Worth; Where does it Come From? :: Emerging From Broken Sat, 16 Oct 2010 17:50:26 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-5133 [...] the singles dances she liked to go to. She had money for her, but not for me. My mother had a diamond dinner ring made for herself from the diamonds out of the wedding set my father bought her. I knew that it cost [...] [...] the singles dances she liked to go to. She had money for her, but not for me. My mother had a diamond dinner ring made for herself from the diamonds out of the wedding set my father bought her. I knew that it cost [...]

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3035 Darlene Ouimet Sat, 24 Jul 2010 02:21:35 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3035 Splinterdones, Ah yes.. we get restless in the process of recovery, don't we? Sometimes things don't go fast enough.. and then other times they go TOO FAST.. and that bugs us too. All I can say is keep striving to go forward, or at the very least not to go backward...and the changes will come at all the right times too. Hugs, Darlene Hi Paulette, I could tell a million stories about gifts that were not really gifts, most of them about my husbands father..... and yes, always a tool to control. Thanks for stopping! Hugs, Darlene Splinterdones,
Ah yes.. we get restless in the process of recovery, don’t we? Sometimes things don’t go fast enough.. and then other times they go TOO FAST.. and that bugs us too. All I can say is keep striving to go forward, or at the very least not to go backward…and the changes will come at all the right times too.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Paulette,
I could tell a million stories about gifts that were not really gifts, most of them about my husbands father….. and yes, always a tool to control.
Thanks for stopping!
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Paulette http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3034 Paulette Sat, 24 Jul 2010 01:41:06 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3034 Darlene ... Sounds like our moms are the same. My mother always had things to hang over my head too. Her gifts weren't really gifts - they were always a tool to use to control. Darlene … Sounds like our moms are the same. My mother always had things to hang over my head too. Her gifts weren’t really gifts – they were always a tool to use to control.

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3033 Darlene Ouimet Sat, 24 Jul 2010 00:08:37 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3033 IAmEchad, Well, do I ever hear you! The back and forth is about the power and control. It is the nature of the beast. Scary, confusing and unpredictable enables others to keep us off balance, therefore more easily manipulated. I smiled when you wrote about your parents paying off the rest of your mortgage... ah yes.... and you see what I mean too. Hugs, Darlene IAmEchad,
Well, do I ever hear you! The back and forth is about the power and control. It is the nature of the beast. Scary, confusing and unpredictable enables others to keep us off balance, therefore more easily manipulated. I smiled when you wrote about your parents paying off the rest of your mortgage… ah yes…. and you see what I mean too.
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3032 Darlene Ouimet Sat, 24 Jul 2010 00:02:56 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3032 Hello Christina W. Love and approval are certainly the most commonly withheld, and then given at the will of the parent. Such an untrue definition of love and yes it is so often what causes us to allow our abusers to define any boundaries well into adulthood and beyond. (I think I had given up hope for love or approval and just wanted the freaking ring.. LOL, just kidding.) Actually I wanted acceptance, love and approval more then anything else too and I went through a major grieving process over the mother I longed for but that I would never have. The ring now serves as a reminder of my grief. I tried to make it represent my freedom, but it didn't work so I keep the ring in a box. Thanks for your beautiful compliments on my post. Hugs, Darlene Nikki, So great to hear that you are working things out with your parents. That is so excellent! So many of us are scared that freedom means letting go of parents but it doesn't have to be that way at all. The truth is that everyone can heal, and relationships CAN thrive and recover! Hugs, Darlene Hello Christina W.
Love and approval are certainly the most commonly withheld, and then given at the will of the parent. Such an untrue definition of love and yes it is so often what causes us to allow our abusers to define any boundaries well into adulthood and beyond. (I think I had given up hope for love or approval and just wanted the freaking ring.. LOL, just kidding.) Actually I wanted acceptance, love and approval more then anything else too and I went through a major grieving process over the mother I longed for but that I would never have. The ring now serves as a reminder of my grief. I tried to make it represent my freedom, but it didn’t work so I keep the ring in a box.
Thanks for your beautiful compliments on my post.
Hugs, Darlene

Nikki,
So great to hear that you are working things out with your parents. That is so excellent! So many of us are scared that freedom means letting go of parents but it doesn’t have to be that way at all. The truth is that everyone can heal, and relationships CAN thrive and recover!
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Splintetedones http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3031 Splintetedones Fri, 23 Jul 2010 23:14:07 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3031 There you gonagain, writing about exactly is on my mind! I posted a blog I think yesterday about this very thing--boundaries. I never thought to develop them basically because my life belonged not to me but to my pimary perp. Which happens because he was a gun freak and was very serious in his threats to blow memapart from one orifice or another when I was from I'd say five or six to twelve. So it was just coincidence that I was still alive all this time. Disposable hence valueless. Huh, who knew. I have recently become aware that this thread runs in me. I was talking in therapy about some bullshit thing and it hit me like a lightning bolt. Disposable, I'm disposeable. C says you were. In just another minute i heard myself say valueless. Life threatened, disposable, valueless. It's been a pretty quick trip to finally getting these beliefs outside of mento fake a look and see how totally untrue they are. At this level anyway. So if I have value then I can have things i want and things I don't. I have no idea how to establish boundaries and it would be unwise for me to try until I know what I'm doing. Anyway, that's the process in me. It is frutrating the shit out of me because if sems everywhere I look, especially in my marriage, I just want things changed. But I need to remain patient so I can take it in bits and pieces, see where it goes. Thanks again my dear ;) There you gonagain, writing about exactly is on my mind! I posted a blog I think yesterday about this very thing–boundaries. I never thought to develop them basically because my life belonged not to me but to my pimary perp. Which happens because he was a gun freak and was very serious in his threats to blow memapart from one orifice or another when I was from I’d say five or six to twelve. So it was just coincidence that I was still alive all this time. Disposable hence valueless. Huh, who knew.

I have recently become aware that this thread runs in me. I was talking in therapy about some bullshit thing and it hit me like a lightning bolt. Disposable, I’m disposeable. C says you were. In just another minute i heard myself say valueless. Life threatened, disposable, valueless.

It’s been a pretty quick trip to finally getting these beliefs outside of mento fake a look and see how totally untrue they are. At this level anyway. So if I have value then I can have things i want and things I don’t. I have no idea how to establish boundaries and it would be unwise for me to try until I know what I’m doing.

Anyway, that’s the process in me. It is frutrating the shit out of me because if sems everywhere I look, especially in my marriage, I just want things changed. But I need to remain patient so I can take it in bits and pieces, see where it goes. Thanks again my dear ;)

]]> By: Tweets that mention The Fear of Setting Personal Boundaries :: Emerging From Broken -- Topsy.com http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3030 Tweets that mention The Fear of Setting Personal Boundaries :: Emerging From Broken -- Topsy.com Fri, 23 Jul 2010 23:12:41 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3030 [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Darlene Ouimet and Splinteredones, Sharon Sanquist. Sharon Sanquist said: RT @DarleneOuimet: New blog post: The Fear of Setting Personal Boundaries http://bit.ly/aPXRl5 [...] [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Darlene Ouimet and Splinteredones, Sharon Sanquist. Sharon Sanquist said: RT @DarleneOuimet: New blog post: The Fear of Setting Personal Boundaries http://bit.ly/aPXRl5 [...]

]]> By: Nikki http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3029 Nikki Fri, 23 Jul 2010 21:49:28 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3029 Wow Darlene bless your heart. It amazes me how we humans can treat other and devalue each other honestly your life is way more worth than that diamond ring in other words you are priceless I just wished your mom could have realized that. My parents tried to make up to me by buying me a puppy and a brand new flute and even still today they try to make up for what they think they did that cause me and my siblings to go lacking. I have to reassure them that they don't have to buy me. My mom and I have come a long ways the other day my mom finally admitted to me that she thought that if she ignored the problem that I have (bipolar disorder) that it would go away (which I already knew that she ignored me but didn't know why she ignored me) I told my mom I said yes and when you ignored it you left me to deal with it alone therefore you ignored me not that I am the disorder but that by not helping me to deal with it she ignored me. She went on to say that I was her inspiration because I have had to fight real hard and on my own to get where I am at today.. For my mom to actually share that with me it has been a long hard road there were often times she would refuse to talk at all she would change the subject, deny it, or blame me. But now its not like that and at the same time I have learned to stand up to her and to my dad as well as set my own boundaries and that has been hard for me to do. Money isn't everything and neither is material possessions. We came into this world with nothing and we will leave it without taking any of it with us. The only thing that we can bring with us into this life is love and the only thing we can carry with us when we leave is love. I have had to learn the hard way myself that I don't have to sale myself out to get the approval of others. Don't get me wrong I like having the approval of others but I think we are all that way to a certain extent. What I am learning is there is only two approvals in this life that I have to really focus on and that is God's approval and my own. I think that goes with acceptance too. And that is another thing I am learning is God is not like our earthly parents He understands us more than we understand ourselves so comparing Him to my earthly father or to another human being is not who He is. I am having to really rewrite my own belief system in so many ways because for most all my life I have felt that God was just like my earthly dad. Thank you for sharing this Darlene you give me much to think on! (((HUGS)))) to you for being who you are and being willing to share as you do. Wow Darlene bless your heart. It amazes me how we humans can treat other and devalue each other honestly your life is way more worth than that diamond ring in other words you are priceless I just wished your mom could have realized that.

My parents tried to make up to me by buying me a puppy and a brand new flute and even still today they try to make up for what they think they did that cause me and my siblings to go lacking. I have to reassure them that they don’t have to buy me. My mom and I have come a long ways the other day my mom finally admitted to me that she thought that if she ignored the problem that I have (bipolar disorder) that it would go away (which I already knew that she ignored me but didn’t know why she ignored me) I told my mom I said yes and when you ignored it you left me to deal with it alone therefore you ignored me not that I am the disorder but that by not helping me to deal with it she ignored me. She went on to say that I was her inspiration because I have had to fight real hard and on my own to get where I am at today..

For my mom to actually share that with me it has been a long hard road there were often times she would refuse to talk at all she would change the subject, deny it, or blame me. But now its not like that and at the same time I have learned to stand up to her and to my dad as well as set my own boundaries and that has been hard for me to do.

Money isn’t everything and neither is material possessions. We came into this world with nothing and we will leave it without taking any of it with us. The only thing that we can bring with us into this life is love and the only thing we can carry with us when we leave is love.

I have had to learn the hard way myself that I don’t have to sale myself out to get the approval of others. Don’t get me wrong I like having the approval of others but I think we are all that way to a certain extent. What I am learning is there is only two approvals in this life that I have to really focus on and that is God’s approval and my own. I think that goes with acceptance too. And that is another thing I am learning is God is not like our earthly parents He understands us more than we understand ourselves so comparing Him to my earthly father or to another human being is not who He is. I am having to really rewrite my own belief system in so many ways because for most all my life I have felt that God was just like my earthly dad.

Thank you for sharing this Darlene you give me much to think on! (((HUGS)))) to you for being who you are and being willing to share as you do.

]]> By: IAmEchad Twitter http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3028 IAmEchad Twitter Fri, 23 Jul 2010 21:44:38 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3028 Setting personal boundaries with my parents is one of my biggest issues regarding my relationship with them. So much so that I never heard of the concept of boundaries until I was in college. I hate to admit this, even with the anonymity of a pseudonym, but I kind of wish my parents hated me or loved me. The back in forth is scary, confusing and unpredictable. I have a hard time setting boundaries because they can hold my house over my head. Due to medical illnesses I am no longer employable. So my parents paid off what was left of my mortgage. See what I mean? Setting personal boundaries with my parents is one of my biggest issues regarding my relationship with them. So much so that I never heard of the concept of boundaries until I was in college.

I hate to admit this, even with the anonymity of a pseudonym, but I kind of wish my parents hated me or loved me. The back in forth is scary, confusing and unpredictable. I have a hard time setting boundaries because they can hold my house over my head. Due to medical illnesses I am no longer employable. So my parents paid off what was left of my mortgage.

See what I mean?

]]> By: Christina Wing http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-fear-of-setting-personal-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-3026 Christina Wing Fri, 23 Jul 2010 21:15:32 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1305#comment-3026 I think we all can relate. Love and approval was the "diamond ring" held over my head as a child. I wanted it more then anything and was willing to allow my abuser to define what boundries were respected or not. This is an amazing story with beautiful analogies of how we can taint and be blinded to etching boundries lines with people. You know Jesus drew a boundry when He wrote in the sand..set a good example for us all. Thank you so much for sharing Darlene. I think we all can relate. Love and approval was the “diamond ring” held over my head as a child. I wanted it more then anything and was willing to allow my abuser to define what boundries were respected or not. This is an amazing story with beautiful analogies of how we can taint and be blinded to etching boundries lines with people. You know Jesus drew a boundry when He wrote in the sand..set a good example for us all. Thank you so much for sharing Darlene.

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