Archive for perfectionism
Valued Because…
Posted by: | CommentsWe are born valuable but vulnerable. We have this inherent sense of value for ourselves. As babies, when we were in pain, we cried. When we were hungry, we cried. When we were uncomfortable, we cried. We cried because there was no thought or experience that disconnected us from the truth of our value. We knew what we needed and had no reason to fear asking for it. We also laughed when we thought something was funny or stimulating. Pleasure, happiness, didn’t require a labyrinth of justification. Our value wasn’t something we knew in our heads. It was something we just knew.
A wise friend once told me that our home life does not define our value, but models it. God has already defined my value for me (no one on earth can actually do this) but the purpose of a home, a family, is to treat each other as the valuable people that we are. It’s a valuing that respects the value that already exists. It models respect for my unique abilities, passions, dreams, and obstacles.
My home life was very predictable, very “secure”, very normal. My parents tried to do everything the right way. We went to church, did family devotions, did chores, got allowance, were disciplined for misbehaving. But… something was missing. My whole life I have questioned my value, never felt like my own feelings and thoughts were really good enough, have struggled to even know what my own thoughts and feelings were!
I was not taken advantage of sexually or physically, but I was valued for the wrong things. The real Carla was not valued or engaged with, not asked “do you like this? Do you not like this? What do you think about this? How did that make you feel?” She was told to be good and was valued for being good. She was applauded for being right more than she was for being herself. So, I was a very good child and decided to continue being very good throughout my life so that I would continue to be treated as valuable. The church loved a good girl, as did the private school I graduated from. I sweat blood and tears to be good and right in order to be valued.
Today it is my quest to be the real Carla, the Carla not boxed in or confined by the labels of 
“good and right.” Somedays it still feels like a very wobbly path because I get my value mixed up with these old skewed definitions. It sometimes feels foreign and uncertain to know and trust my own real feelings because for so long I have tempered them with what is intellectually “good and right.” But our souls can be nurtured back to life. The seeds that have been dormant for years are still there inside of us. With some loving work and nurturing, they will grow. It is happening day by day, re-bridging the gap between what is really true and what I deeply know to be true about me.
Off the Guilty Path
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(Part Two from my post The Guilty Way)
Imagine that as you journey along, a destination, a place you would like to be, flashes like a picture into your mind. You can see it. You can see it so clearly… You have this strong sense deep down of what this place is like. You naturally have this urge of wanting to be there, wanting to reach it, this desire coming from the uniqueness of you. You picture this place and feel the desire to be there all in one flash, one spontaneous moment. This is an aim of your heart.
You contemplate moving towards your destination but suddenly you also have this doubt… this strong palpable doubt that what you have pictured is really, well, okay. Is really… good enough. You’ve heard other people describe their picture and suddenly yours seems a little dull. Maybe the vision cast in your mind is faulty. You start to feel anxiety and a sad kind of disappointment all at the same time (you really liked your own picture… in that flash of a moment it was really yours, it was a worthy destination…) Or, you start to doubt if you can make real what you see in your head, if you can actually go from here to there. You’ve never bridged that gap before, never spanned the distance. Maybe you should ask everyone else around you how to get there because they definitely would know better than you do. Oh, YIKES- everyone has a different suggestion! Everyone has a different experience to offer you with different advice! You try to take steps towards your picture but you get pulled this way, that way, updside-down, downside up. Maybe without you even asking, the Guilt Guards say, “But your aim isn’t the right one!! It’s not valiant, virtuous, perfect enough!!” They slam their spears into the ground and block your way.
Voices all cry out at once and the more you listen to them the more they cloud your picture, that picture that at one time was so clear and desirable, just a moment away. Eventually you decide that the mine field between you and your destination is just far too treacherous. The Guilty Way has befuddled your desire to live out what is on the true inside of you (this analogy could relate to many other things besides guilt, but it’s all in the same pot).
Feels like something died.
As I continue to work through my recovery, the difference between that scenario and the next all hinges on the work I’m doing at the foundations of what I know to be true about who I am. Living from these new foundations, my interactions with life (big and small) are growing more and more infused with freedom…
Re-imagine your picture… And this time there’s a clear path straight to it. In sorting through the lies and the truth, you have this growing sense within you, this sense that knows “I have what it takes to live my life. I have that good heart. I can trust it!” You still know you’re not perfect but you accept that as part of the journey and not as a means to discount yourself. So, you see your picture and nothing holds you back anymore. You don’t need to give in to the Guilt Guards to protect you because you now know that the freedom beyond your current borders is a place you can thrive in, and a place you are worthy to thrive in! The Guilt Guards and the Guilty Way just disappear. You bridge the gap and make it to your destination. You feel… alive. You have manifested what was inside of you, outside. You didn’t deaden yourself with pretensions and conventions. You acted out of your own unique spontaneity and were relieved from being pulled in all the directions of the other voices and extra-terrestrial rules. You make it to your picture and breathe in the satisfaction of being there… You did it. And you do it again, and again and again, striding forward towards the aims of your true, good heart. You are free to fly, free to learn, free to grow. This transcends the Guilty Way. This is the Freedom Way!
Big encouragement to everyone as we continue on in our journeys.
~Carla
True Love for Valentine’s
Posted by: | CommentsI read a really interesting article in the paper this week. The reporter interviewed a few high end restaurant servers who shared how they actually dreaded Valentine’s weekend at the restaurant. Couples sat awkwardly across from each other, looking unhappy and not really knowing what to talk about. Pressure was high to get all the details right. An evening of high expectations rarely fulfilled, with more tension than enjoyment.
My life used to be like this! High expectations of finding some kind of “finally” love to satisfy my hungry heart. The vacuum in me was constantly asking, “Am I loved? Am I okay? Am I loving?” and I believed the warm fuzzies of romantic love would answer those questions once and for all. They did, for the first few weeks with any guy I dated. But the feelings never lasted, and then I was lost again. This was my labor of un-love, the slippery illusion of salvation-by-warm-fuzzies falling from my hands time after time. Not only was I left empty, I also felt these pangs of despair that my life could have no real purpose if I was single.
How grateful I am to know that’s not true… Throughout my depression, having those warm fuzzy feelings were some of the only times I felt truly alive. I believed this was love. The lie entangled me beyond my romantic relationships; I thought loving someone meant I should always have those warm feelings for them and act accordingly (and vice versa). My family believed this too, and so we rarely aired out conflicts in our home. We learned to keep true feelings inside so that no one’s feathers would get ruffled. Some of us labored to get all the details right so that what looked “perfect” on the outside would be proof that we were okay on the inside.
Finding the roots of real love relieves me from this labor. Being whole in my relationships means I am learning to bring my true self to the table when I interact with others. I can see now that trying to please them at the cost of ignoring who I really am only leads to destruction in one way or another- true relationship doesn’t last on that kind of foundation. Learning to love myself means I’m not depending on other people to fix me or fill my “holes”. I don’t need to take advantage of them, and I don’t need to let them take advantage of me either. Instead, we can exchange our real selves with each other. We share our truth and enrich each other’s lives. Real relationship practices mutual respect and equality. It is honest and knows it doesn’t have to be perfect or get all the details right . It desires to grow, to deepen, to learn, to tell the truth, to discover… All these things are at the root of true love.
Photo by Vera Kratochvil
The warm fluffy feelings are still fun and I have no intentions of banning them from my life! But, I’m not trying to control them anymore. I’m not demanding anything of them in an effort to heal my hungry heart. They come and go based on how real the love I’m practicing is. Kind of like cooking an amazing meal- the aroma is a by-product of the timely combination of good ingredients- it doesn’t happen right away, and it’s free to come and go.
This year I get to spend Valentine’s Day with dear friends; I am so excited to celebrate real love in my growing relationships with them.
~Carla~
For more information on the photographer of the beautiful photo in this post, visit this link!
Freedom in the Foundations
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It all depends on the foundation. For so long I worked high up in the rafters, trying to fix this, trying to fix that. Looking out the windows… obsessed with looking out the windows at expressions, reactions, actions, small gestures. Painfully anguishing about getting the details of living life right. Had to get it right, had to get it right…
I hired an inspector. “What is wrong with my house?” I asked him. “It isn’t working. The top is swaying back and forth it’s so heavy, everything in the middle is creaking and groaning. I’m in a constant state of motion sickness!”
He did some in-depth analyzing and said, “It’s your foundations, friend. They’re built with the wrong kind of stuff. You believe you have to act ‘right’ in order to be right. You believe most everything about you, the real you, is wrong. A foundation like that won’t work for you. It’s no wonder everything from the ground up is trying so desperately to tear away.”
He showed me what a good foundation looks like. “In the context of building material, let’s consider one of the most famous carpenters in history, Jesus. He defined himself by saying, ‘I am.’ Not ‘I do’, but simply ‘I am.’ It was the same ‘I am’ kind of stuff that God looked at on the 6th day and described as ‘GOOD.’ Your identity is made of the same stuff. You are. And the stuff of you is just as good as the stuff of anyone else. Forget about perfect in this lifetime, but know that it’s good.”
So I took my foundations to task. I stopped focusing on upstairs and started digging, started putting this truth into place here, this truth into place here. For quite some time, I looked like a big hole. But that was okay. Tall buildings need deep foundations. When I wanted to despair at my lack of “visible” progress, I just reminded myself of that again and again.
They’re really coming together. They will require maintenance work forever, but I’m fine with that. I have this feeling of peace that comes more and more frequently. My house is settling into these new foundations, like a pair of really great shoes with stellar support. Ahhhhh…. NOW I can move around! Now the motion sickness is passing. Now my windows let light in and my doors open and close in healthier exchange. And now I can work on my “heights” with clarity, excitement and true purpose.
There is freedom in the foundations.
~Carla
Redeemable Ruts
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In brokenness, I was so busy trying to keep myself together that any mistakes I made were monstrous and threatening. Clinging to the ideal of perfection as my ultimate redeemer, I wallowed in my mistakes. I re-lived them over and over in my mind, feeling this deep shame and guilt in knowing that I had messed up. Ultimately, I was linking my mistakes to my identity. I believed that if I made bad mistakes, then I must be bad too.
In rebuilding the foundation of what I believe about myself and working through where the lies came from that I was coping with, I have a new sense of freedom when it comes to my mistakes. I have a new belief about the goodness of my heart, and I can operate from a platform of valuing myself as I am, for who I am. Because of this, my mistakes lose their power to whack me on the head. I realize 2 things: I can take responsibility for the mental ruts I fall into now (as Darlene has said in a previous post, “The more that I repeated this process, the more I realized that I was the one in my own way and that underneath those other voices, was my own voice telling me that I was not really valuable, or loveable or capable etc.”) and secondly, becoming aware of the ruts I find myself in creates the opportunity for me to compassionately decide on a better way. I am free to choose; I’m not in bondage to the old mistakes and coping habits anymore. Though this might feel overwhelming at first, it is a healing freedom. In wholeness, we have the power to redeem our ruts… even if it takes numerous attempts to create new habits.
In this light, here’s a fun little story about the process of change by Portia Nelson: An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters. I doodled some pictures for your enjoyment, though in the future I may have to hire an artist! ~All power to you as you walk down your new streets~
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Happiness on This Side of the Rainbow
Posted by: | CommentsI’ve played the piano since I was six and still enjoy playing for pleasure. My favorite book for the past couple years has been a collection of Eva Cassidy arrangements, and the most turned-to page of this book is the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (words by E Y Harburg):
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, in a land that I heard of once in a lullaby… Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dared to dream really do come true….
Eva ends her arrangement with a longing-filled ending… If happy little blue birds fly above the rainbow why, oh why, can’t I?
Today I spent about 5 hours doing a long-anticipated bedroom cleanup. I still had some gifts to find a place for, garbages to empty, recycling to cart up and down the stairs, laundry to do, clothes to sort. I began with grand illusions of deep cleaning absolutely every corner of my room, sorting through EVERYTHING, recycling or bagging stuff up for the Sally Anne, dusting the baseboards, arranging my cd collection, loading up my new ipod, figuring out my new alarm clock, re-organizing my bathroom cabinet, oh, and sorting through ALL my desk stuff, bills, receipts, notes etc. At the end, every little detail would be in spic and span shape, and I would recline and feel excellent.
About halfway through I felt overwhelmed. The clock seemed to be moving faster than normal. I cleaned out 2 drawers of a dresser that I don’t think I had sorted through since I moved in a year and a half ago! I started to hear those old voices, the guilty ones. “Man you collect a lot of stuff… if you would just keep on top of your organization, you wouldn’t have such a mess to deal with… you should be giving some of this stuff to poor people who really need it… you need to let go… and look at all the books on your shelf that you haven’t read yet!”
And at the same time I was thinking of the other things I still wanted to do today- write, get cleaned up myself, visit my brother at his new place for dinner. I started downsizing my organization. Pile everything on the desk to sort through another day… same with the cds… and the laundry. By the end, even though I had worked hard for 5 hours, this song was going through my head… Somewhere over the rainbow…
A rainbow is a beautiful thing, a sign of hope, of renewal, of new rain. But a somewhere over the rainbow has been one of the biggest hurtles for me. Grand illusions, standards of perfection that are never attainable, a wistful romantic picture of circumstances in which I will finally find unending, supreme happiness…
It’s not life, and it’s not truth. And I’m tired of getting wonked in the forehead by rainbows…
I stop and take the time to look at myself. 5 hours of cleaning is a pretty great accomplishment. And in the bigger picture, what I’m doing with my life right now is great as well. I am flying. I am flying NOW. Wistfully sitting on the ground, envying “happy little bluebirds” or anguishing over not being able to fly over some insurmountable rainbow robs me of my true accomplishments and value, and only serves to keep me on the ground. Accepting and affirming my own wings in action today will fuel a long and fulfilling journey in the best possible way.
I think it’s time for a new favorite song. 
Giving My Best
Posted by: | CommentsBeing in the moment… facing the fear… not letting others define me… standing up for myself. These are doors to freedom on my path of wholeness. It’s Christmas and I’ve been buying gifts, receiving gifts. Giving and receiving… A couple of weeks ago I was playing piano at the ballet studio I accompany at and they were making up a dance to the song “Little Drummer Boy” (performed by Josh Groban). I was brought to tears, which surprised me. But the beauty of the music and the story in the lyrics triggered some deep emotions.
In the middle of the song, the little drummer boy decides to present himself exactly as he is. He plays his drum and gives all that he has to offer in that moment. All he has to offer… Whether or not it was a virtuosic performance or a stumbling attempt at rhythm, it was his best at that point in time. Somehow he wisely knew that giving his best in that moment was a better gift than waiting to give something more refined or perfected in the future…
Having developed some strong perfectionist tendencies, I find great encouragement in realizing that what I have to offer (particularly in my relationships) in this moment is all that I have, and it is the best that I have. And it is enough. One of the biggest lies that I lived in was the lie that what I have to give is not enough. Still at times, fear tempts me to look into the past at my mistakes or to peer into the future for some kind of idealized “me”. But as I go along this journey, I see that it is impossible to move forward with this belief. Taking the next step, and the next and the next, involves a continuous giving of exactly who I am right now. My best right now, IS enough to give. And it is complete in the point of time it is given.
As the moments pass, my best will change. I will try, and succeed or fail, and keep trying, keep learning, keep stepping, keep giving. And as I do this (put “feet” on giving my best), my best will become more seasoned and rich. But this will be because of my own deep growth- not because I’ve decided to TRY harder. This Christmas, as I interact with friends and family, I will give my best. With the knowledge that it is good enough, I will give it joyfully.
