Archive for dysfunctional family
Toxic Mother Daughter Relationship and Oprah Winfrey’s Mother
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Seeing through New Eyes
This article is based on a page from the unauthorized biography “Oprah a biography by Kitty Kelley”
When I grabbed this book of the shelf at Costco, I didn’t realize that it was an unauthorized biography about Oprah Winfrey. I thought that it was the real story. I thought that Oprah had agreed to the publication. I quickly realized that I had picked up something that might be full of lies and conclusions that had no right to be drawn; but since I bought it, I decided to read it anyway.
One of the most popular subjects here on Emerging from Broken is the subject of dysfunctional and toxic relationships between mothers and daughters. I think that as humans we are born craving love, community and acceptance from our mothers and when it appears that our mothers hate us, disapprove of us, judge us or generally never seem to love and accept us… it is a mystery that we are attracted to solving. I want my mother to LOVE me. I want a relationship with my mother. But I got tired of how the entire burden of that desire was left up to me with zero accountability on the part of my mother.
I came across a part in Kitty Kelley’s book about Oprah Winfrey that bugged me a great deal. I realize that this is an unauthorized biography, but the example that I found about dysfunctional and toxic mother daughter relationship was so good, that I just could not resist writing about it for Emerging from Broken. It shows the way that society Read More→
“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE” by Fi Macleod
Posted by: | CommentsI am pleased and excited today to welcome my friend Fi Macleod. Fi is a fellow blogger and an amazing survivor of horrific abuse. Fi has a passion for writing and the subject of spiritual abuse is close to her heart. Please help me welcome Fi and her with her second guest post on Emerging from Broken! As always, please we invite you to post your comments and participate in the discussion. ~ Darlene Ouimet ~ founder of Emerging from Broken
“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE! YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET” by Fi Macleod
This statement was used many times during my childhood. As a result I developed deep self-blame. I bore responsibility for things which were actually nothing to do with me. The self-blame is combined with deep shame and guilt. The self-blame came through a combination of verbal and non-verbal messages from my abusers and messages from the abuse itself.
“You’re nothing but trouble, you deserve everything that happens”
“You deserve it because you’re a girl, we didn’t want a girl”
“You deserve it because you’re evil”
“You deserve it because the bible tells us you deserve it”
“You deserve it because….”
“You deserve it just because we say you deserve it”
I never knew when they’d decide I “deserved” a beating, or I “deserved” to be thrown across the room or I “deserved” to be starved or I “deserved” locked in my room or I “deserved” whatever they chose. It was very oppressive. I asked myself many times “what it is about me that is Read More→
The Healing Power of Righteous Anger by Pam Witzemann
Posted by: | CommentsI am grateful and excited to have another guest post from Pam Witzemann ! This time Pam is writing about Anger. Righteous anger. Justified anger. Pam is a frequent guest blogger here at Emerging from Broken and contributes her voice to the comments in almost every post. As always please add your thoughts and comments. Darlene Ouimet Founder of Emerging from Broken
The Healing Power of Righteous Anger by Pam Witzemann
Righteous anger is the anger that Jesus used to clear the temple. It is the force behind the Civil Rights Movement and can be a powerful force for healing when employed by those who are victims of abuse.
As a child, I was emotionally and medically neglected. I was also emotionally and psychologically abused. This came by the hand of my parents. As a teenager, I was sexually abused and exploited by men. I spent most of my life thinking that I was the one at fault and my anger (which was enormous) was turned inward. I was angry with myself for all of the things that I suffered as a child and it led me into self-destructive habits and even, attempted suicide by age 18. I was angry enough to kill and I attempted to kill the one I viewed as my enemy, Me. At the time, I couldn’t even acknowledge what I felt as anger. I saw all anger as being wrong and I denied my own angry feelings. I, like many people, was taught that all anger was inappropriate and I hid my angry emotional responses by stuffing my anger and being mad at myself for being angry. By the age of 12, I was very depressed and I believe, my stuffed and misdirected anger (which was rage, a mindless and destructive anger) was Read More→
How I learned to Self Abuse by Pam Witzemann
Posted by: | CommentsPlease help me welcome guest blogger Pam Witzemann as she shares about Self Abuse and how she realized that it was in fact, learned behavior. Pam is a frequent guest blogger here at Emerging from Broken and contributes her voice to the comments in almost every post here on Emerging from Broken. Darlene Ouimet
How I learned to Self Abuse by Pam Witzemann
I was a self-abusive person. I wasn’t born as a self-abuser. I was taught to abuse myself by the way I was devalued as a child and the behavior that was modeled for me.
As a child, I was medically, emotionally, and spiritually neglected. I was psychologically and emotionally abused. I was given alcohol as medicine on a regular basis from the age of six months and also allowed sips of beer and other adult drinks. On holidays, I was allowed to drink hard eggnog and wine. As a toddler, I was allowed to eat only candy and drink coffee with the adults. I use the term toddler as an age descriptive term but I was never actually a toddler. I was what is now called a schoocher. Because I was born premature, my brain didn’t know where my arms were and I used my legs instead. I sat on my bottom and scooted. I tried to walk at about one year but fell like an egg, unable to catch myself, and didn’t begin walking until I was three. I never had any medical help with this disability. I don’t know if there was any help available but I do know that my parents never investigated any further than Read More→
The Fear of Not Being Loved Ruled my Life
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Learning self love
I came across this quote the other day and it caused a multitude of flashbacks to rush through my brain all at once. At first glance I thought “yes” this is true, but very quickly my mind was filled with all my old fears; I learned to FEAR losing love and at the same time realizing that this was not the way that I was loved at all. It was communicated to me that it didn’t matter if I was lost or if I was never to be seen again and I lived with the fear that I might find that out to be the truth.
As I got older and sought love from outside my dysfunctional family, I believed that it was how much the object of my desire proved his need for me, his longing for me, his fear of losing me, that PROVED his love for me. This was how I had been taught love. And most of my boyfriends sought to possess me more than to love me.
Hoarders Illustrating Psychological Abuse and Protecting Abusers
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“This notion, that parents must never be blamed no matter what they have done, has caused untold damage.” Alice Miller ~ Banished Knowledge
The other night I was watching the show “Hoarders” on television. The eldest daughter came home from University and brought her boyfriend along for a visit. Even before they entered the house, she started reminding him not to “say anything.” Inside the house was a shocking mess. Her mother was a hoarder. The “hoard” in some places was up to the ceiling. There were slim pathways everywhere so they could make their way through the house. Before the daughter and her boyfriend arrived, the mother told the camera crew that her daughter was “happy” as long as she could sleep in her bed; that the stuff piled all over her bedroom didn’t bother her. Again, the “stuff” was piled up to the ceiling in her room too.
There were bugs everywhere. There were mice and rodent droppings everywhere. The boyfriend was pretty disturbed about it but she kept warning him not to say anything. She reminded him, pleaded with him and she told him outright not to say anything.
The biggest concern that she had was to protect her mother. Her mother had a problem that was affecting the whole family, but the mothers feelings had to be Read More→
Dysfunctional Family Law and Family Belief Systems
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“All children are born to grow, to develop, to live, to love, and to articulate their needs and feelings for their self-protection” ~ Alice Miller
We all grow up with laws and we learn what the laws of the land are and we learn to abide by the law or face certain consequences. We are taught that if we speed, we will get a speeding ticket which includes a fine. We learn that killing another person is wrong and it will land you to prison. We learn that stealing is also an offence punishable by the law. We are taught that punching someone in the face is assault and that threatening another person with any kind of harm is illegal. We learn these laws and are taught to abide by them from various sources such as our families, media, books, news and school. Laws of the land are for our own good. They are meant to protect us and to sustain an at least somewhat civilized society. The law of the land is set in place to give each human being equal rights as a human being.
But some of the things we learn are NOT for our own good. Sometimes we learn to live by a dysfunctional law. Sometimes we learn that we don’t have a right to what IS best for us, but that others have rights to use us and Read More→
TAUGHT to Think or Taught NOT to Think?
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The last few blog posts have covered how our feelings can get shut down, but what about our thoughts? Have you ever thought about how you were taught to think, or taught not to think?
In recovery and emotional healing, I hear people say all the time that when they are asked the question “what do you think?” they just jam up. That they don’t know how to respond to that question in the same way that people freeze when asked how they are feeling.
Just as we learn to shut down our own feelings as a result of being told over time that they are “wrong” or that we don’t actually feel them”, learning to doubt our thoughts and opinions and to shut them down also happens in a very similar way. The details are different, but the damage is very comparable.
I have heard children trying to contribute to the conversation with the statement “well I think …” and the adult (or the bully) in the situation will respond by saying; Read More→
Stop that Crying or I will give you Something to Cry About
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I was told not to cry. I was told “stop that crying or I will give you something to cry about” and I tried to stop. As a child forced to stifle tears, what was communicated to me? As I look back and try to remember some of the feelings, the thoughts that went through my mind at those times, I can’t recall much other then the need to STOP Crying. I do remember thinking that I already HAD something to cry about. And thinking about it today I know that a LOT more than just “stop crying” was communicated to me with those types of statements.
I became afraid to cry. I remember trying to stop… trying to control my breathing and slow it down and trying to stifle that hiccup sound that comes from heavy sobbing. I was so afraid of the consequences of NOT being able to stop the tears. I don’t even remember Read More→
To Confront or not to Confront; that is the Question
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There have been some interesting discussions here in the comments this week on EFB about whether or not to confront abusers. There are a lot of factors to consider. Confronting an abuser isn’t an easy decision. Many people think that this should be easy but there are dynamics that most people don’t consider. When a family member is the abuser, it may be even harder.
People wonder why survivors of abuse are concerned with “hurting” the abuser. I think that the history of the relationship has to be considered in order to understand that fear. As children we were taught to submit to adults, and to always consider their feelings and never consider our own. We carry this training/grooming with us as we grow up.
My motive for any type of confrontation is for self healing. MINE. But there was a lot of fear. I had to really look at why I was afraid to hurt their feelings and I had to figure out why I was afraid to say anything. Did I feel the need to protect “them”? Why was I so concerned with Read More→
