Survival
ByI lived in survival mode for 27 years of my life. What was survival for me may not have looked like what most perceive “surviving” to be. I was good at holding it all together, appearing confident and happy. People liked me. I succeeded at the activities I was involved in. But all the while, on the inside, I lived in almost constant anxiety.
I survived by developing hyper-awareness. In any situation with people, I was alert to the dynamics going on so that, if necessary, I could tweak my behaviour in order to be accepted and not rejected. I also became an artist at comparing myself to others, constantly. How am I better? How am I worse? If I could feel better than the other person in at least one way, whew, I was fine. Being a naturally deep feeling person, I was very sensitive to how people treated me and what I thought they thought of me… At the root of it all, I was walking around like a big question mark. A HUGE question mark. My antenae was always peeked, looking for the answer: “Am I okay?”
Survival was necessary because I didn’t know a better way. I was doing the best with what I had, in ways I had learned since I was very young. The old ways are too painful and cumbersome now. They helped me get by, but they didn’t help me fly! I’m welcoming new and better ways.
4 Comments
August 20th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
rejection isa harsh thing to know an deal wit. there’s times when one has to “adjust” themselves to fit anothers perspective of’m is what being treated odd or insane or even evil was constant in our life so we grew up knowing how to “cover to protect”. we found this method best an easy to do an it became easier the more we “did” it b/c in order to protect selves, we hada learn ways to “cover” an we did. we use to always be the bad sheep no matter who/what/when/where/how/or why for according to the step-mother. she always had ways of justifying crap she did to us an even when one of us would “tell” , she’d end up knowing we said something an we’d get the beating of our life with whatever she could grab to do it wit, including a 2X4 once but we learned how to cope an how to survive so…maybe we’re just bad people after all…
August 20th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
It isn’t that you are bad or bad people. It is that what she did was bad and wrong. What we learn as children is that we deserved it; that was drilled into our heads until most of us never questioned it, so as adults now, it is second nature for us to believe and accept that we were the problem. As adults it is so important that we realize that none of it was our fault, SHE did something very wrong. (IN FACT legally wrong) so that we can stop blaming ourselves for the abuse we suffered and still suffer from.
Hugs, Darlene
August 20th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
yeah you can say that again, body was always tole she deserved whatever happened to’er no matter if it was sex wit a brother/father/uncle/kkk/ritual wise or even a female or if it was a slap upside the head for looking at the parent the wrong way or doing a good job on picking up the lint off floors…it was always “her/our” fault. the parents of jackie were always in the right no matter how anyone looked at it an 2 of’m went to their grave still saying it in ways no one will understand. i honestly feel if it weren’t for the stubbornness of entire system, jackie wouldn’t be alive today but i’m not one for taking credit so….we were always guilty no matter what the charge n thta in itself is hard to get out of a system, wit host or not.
August 20th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I understand that too.
What I have found is that although it is never easy, it is possible to live free of the prison that “they” put us in. I no longer struggle with any system. You might be interested to know that I no longer live fragmented either. I am one person now. My alters always wanted that, but I didn’t see it. They existed because I could not cope, so they did it for me. I think they kept me alive too. As an adult I learned to take care of me and I learned how to re-parent myself. Things are so much better today. Keep striving!
Hugs, Darlene