Dec
21

Relationships based on Wholeness and Truth

By

along the path

From my last post, “The Decision to Wake up and Live”   Carla asked:

“Darlene, I can relate to a lot of these fears and am also starting to feel gratitude for difficult decisions I made in my past that make for a much more fulfilling present. I’m interested in what you say about being “afraid of how I would have to relate to others if I was to embrace wholeness.” Can you expand on that? What’s it like to relate to others in wholeness now?”

Here is my answer;

Carla, I was specifically referring to not dissociating when I wrote that part of the post. I was so afraid of facing people and facing my fears of them. When I used dissociation, as a way to deal with situations and a way to deal with others, as soon as someone said anything that made me feel unsafe, I just disconnected.  Since I was working on my dissociative identity disorder and working on becoming one, I knew that when I was no longer dissociating I would have to actually be in the moment, face the fear, reassure myself that I was not in danger and actually deal with people.

Once I got through that part, then I moved on to the fear of standing up for myself and I think that is what your question is about.  There were people in my life that disrespected me and disregarded me. There were people that didn’t ever consider my feelings and I began to realize that it was up to me to set the boundary in order for that treatment to stop. I only wanted to be treated as equally valuable, which is not really a lot to ask, but I also knew that this request would be hard for people who had devalued me my whole life. So I was afraid that I would be rejected again and that I would be laughed at and looked down on if I stuck up for myself. I imagined that I was so worthless to them, that they would say that I was not worth the effort for them to care about my feelings.  I thought that rejection would kill me, and although a few people in my life did react this way, it didn’t kill me. It made me stronger. It made me more determined to move forward in my recovery.

The bottom line is that I had let others define me. I had let others decide that I was not worth much, and they treated me that way, and because I believed them, I let them. When I began to live in wholeness, I began to redefine myself, to own the truth about myself and embrace that I am not worthless, I am worthy. I am worthy of life, happiness, respect, love and I am valuable. I have something to offer others in relationships. I am not just a servant. I don’t deserve to be the fall guy for everyone else’s unhappiness.  With that redefining of myself, I learned that in those situations where I was being discounted as a person, I could ask questions such as “why are you talking to me like that? Why do you think you can treat me like that?” and these questions were empowering for me. (they also caused people to pause…as though I had slapped them.. lol)

Just because someone treats me as though I don’t matter, doesn’t mean that I don’t matter.  Just because someone thinks I am stupid or unimportant, doesn’t mean that I am. It is one thing for me to know that, but a whole other thing for me to draw the line against being treated like that.  Living in wholeness and relating in truth has a lot to do with this kind of understanding. 

Oh and one last thing; although most people didn’t like this new me at first, (the one that refused to be treated like dirt) I have flourished in the true definition of myself and have wonderful relationships today, based on truth and equality. 

Darlene Ouimet

Categories : Freedom & Wholeness

5 Comments

1

Wow… I get to see your words in action Darlene, but reading your thoughts as you’ve expressed them here is really powerful too. What I hear you saying is that having that deep inner sense of your own worth and value is what has changed all the dynamics in your relationships with others. You’re no longer a puppet on a string… And instead of working hard to change your behaviours or the “how” part of interacting with others, the key was to believe what was really true about yourself, apart from what anyone else thought. And this rippled outwards in creating healthier relationships. Thank you for this post and answering my question (I can think of others now… but I’ll save them for another time!:))

2

Darlene, This really hit me hard, it is so easy to slip into allowing others to define you that you loose you. The two sentences that stuck out to me were when you said just because someone thinks I am stupid or unimportant doesn’t mean that I am. You are right when you say it is one thing to know this but a whole other thing to draw the line in the sand and not accept being treated like that. This is a huge stick point for me and I am learning once again to not allow others to define me and believing their definition.

3

This was a huge stick point for me too Angie, but at the same time it was a huge key to my progress.

The key here was to find the truth about myself. I had to realize that I believed that I was not important or significant, and then find out why I believed it. I had to realize that I believed that the abuse was my own fault, and then find out why I believed that. THEN I was able to re-write the story in a manner of speaking. I was able to accept that I believed things that simply were not true, and I was able to find and accept the truth about myself, (which sounds easier then it is) but eventually I got stronger and finally I lived each day NOT accepting or believing those lies anymore.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comments!
~ Hugs, Darlene

4

Thank you Darlene for all of your eye opening words, I am gasping for breath (sightly) as I understand completely what you are talking about, and see this in myself. Thank you for opening the door to my mind of understanding me, and why.
Hugs and more hugs Brenns

5

Hi Brenns,
Thank you for your kind comments, and it is great to hear that you can relate! Even though I was very sure that I wanted to write this stuff and share my truth, and even though I knew from speaking in seminars that I could impact others by sharing, it still amazes me when I get comments like this! and I have to admit, I feel relieved too..LOL I guess that comes from all those years of thinking everything was all my fault and that I must be a little crazy.
Hugs, Darlene

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