Jan
21

Redeemable Ruts

By

IMG_0982In brokenness, I was so busy trying to keep myself together that any mistakes I made were monstrous and threatening. Clinging to the ideal of perfection as my ultimate redeemer, I wallowed in my mistakes. I re-lived them over and over in my mind, feeling this deep shame and guilt in knowing that I had messed up. Ultimately, I was linking my mistakes to my identity.  I believed that if I made bad mistakes, then I must be bad too.

In rebuilding the foundation of what I believe about myself and working through where the lies came from that I was coping with, I have a new sense of freedom when it comes to my mistakes.  I have a new belief about the goodness of my heart, and I can operate from a platform of valuing myself as I am, for who I am. Because of this, my mistakes lose their power to whack me on the head. I realize 2 things: I can take responsibility for the mental ruts I fall into now (as Darlene has said in a previous post,  “The more that I repeated this process, the more I realized that I was the one in my own way and that underneath those other voices, was my own voice telling me that I was not really valuable, or loveable or capable etc.”) and secondly, becoming aware of the ruts I find myself in creates the opportunity for me to compassionately decide on a better way. I am free to choose; I’m not in bondage to the old mistakes and coping habits anymore. Though this might feel overwhelming at first, it is a healing freedom. In wholeness, we have the power to redeem our ruts… even if it takes numerous attempts to create new habits.

In this light, here’s a fun little story about the process of change by Portia Nelson: An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters. I doodled some pictures for your enjoyment, though in the future I may have to hire an artist! ~All power to you as you walk down your new streets~

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS by Portia Nelson

IMG_0976

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.


IMG_0977

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.


IMG_0980

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.


IMG_0981

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Categories : Self Esteem

6 Comments

1

I am loving your “Emerging from Broken”. Identifying with SO much in what you say. I hope to interact more with you, but am again distracted wih a major project. Much love, Vaila

2

Thanks for visiting us Vaila- it is always a pleasure to hear from you. All the best with your new project! I would love to hear more about it.

Much love to you as well,
Carla

3

The doodles were my favorite part! 🙂

5

funny how i never saw the “i walk down another street” coming – it hit me, fur sure! excellent job, carla!

6

Hi Helga! Thanks for your thoughts! I know what you mean. I find it encouraging to know that I can choose a new street- that there are many good ones out there. Hugs to you~ Carla

Leave a Comment