Yes, my mom has an “ODD” way of showing her love. I’m going to continue looking at the details of my mom/family memories & current behavior, until I see the truth more clearly….like you say, “Fog Busting”. My process seems to be very detailed & it’s overwhelming at times. I do realize that I need to do this for healing to occur….I’m going to continue repeating things to myself, so it sinks in…..
Thanks,
SMD

Well, it sounds funny now, but then I was shocked & very upset. I’ve heard of parents threatening that, when kids are mouthy or swearing. I made a stupid mistake, but I didn’t deserve to be shamed & humiliated! To add insult to injury, my brother & sister were outside the door laughing. I don’t remember my sister getting the soap for picking gum off the parking lot and eating it. Yuck!….Talk about germy!..My memory is sketchy about my siblings being disciplined. I do remember my dad yelling & spanking and if he wasn’t doing that, he was sullen and emotionally unavailable. His temper was scary and I avoided the spankings, but I was threatened. My dad goated us & he knew I would get worked up. I was emotionally put down & pushed around. I withdrew to protect myself.

Of course, I was the problem & I was wrong!…I knew they were wrong at a young age, but I was brainwashed and intimidated into compliance and obedience. I was a sweet & gifted child who became broken. I’m rediscovering my gifts in my forties and it is a great feeling…I actually believe in myself & don’t need validation anymore of my art work! It does rub me the wrong way, if I’m showing a family member one of my paintings, and there is no response & they look away…In the past, I would take this as rejection & then doubt my work. I know I’m not a bad artist, whatever that means….So what is their problem? ….could it be jealousy?!
Thanks for listening
SMD

This bit: “ I can still remember the internal fight, I constantly questioned myself about whether or not I had made the whole thing up and then in the same breath consoled myself with the fact that my parents told me the teacher confessed everything in a meeting.” It’s so great that you had that piece of evidence that it was not your fault; without it, it would have been easy to take on the abuse and add it to the rest. That piece of evidence is really important. What happened in me as I read that was a huge surge of recognition at the part about the internal conflict. Some things are just too overwhelming at the time to recognise without really solid evidence. Your words have inspired me to question the cause of my low self esteem. I’ve been doing that a lot lately and I’m really seeing how accommodating I am with certain people, even to the point where I can sense what they want and provide it. I learnt this very early. I realise as well that there is this huge desire in me to please someone I consider to be powerful so that they will like me and protect me. And it’s not true. They won’t. I need to like me and protect me. I notice that I keep fooling myself when I’m with someone dysfunctional – I think I need to be more like them. It’s like a veil drops over my eyes. I wonder what I get by doing this. Even “bad” habits have a grain of something desired in them otherwise they’d be obsolete. I think I get a sentimental familiarity; perhaps it’s a way of lodging myself back in denial for a while. And I get to re-enact and change the script.

You highlighted the mechanism of submerging the truth and that for me is huge, helping me towards unlocking the past I’ve hidden in order to maintain unhealthy relationships. Thank you, Darlene.

Reading this makes me cry .. because I have become so use to taking blames and being the cause.. in my own mind that as soon as something doesn’t work out . i am punishing myself endlessly searching for what I did wrong again.. Everything was always my fault and now that I am not in their lives they say they have no troubles. as i was the source of trouble.. when the big disappointment happened . not too long ago with the former .. T . already I was blaming me. .it had to be my fault everything is. that is how I am always thinking. nothing Good that happens .. though is me. nope ..coudnt be. .since I was told nothing good will ever come from me.. so I am constantly in turmoil upset when good things happen. and upset when bad things happen. but i know things will iron out. you give me courage. as you had a lot of the stuff in your life that i am going through and you made it to be really quite wonderful

hugs

Joy