Psychological and Emotional Abuse ~ How Self Doubt Grows
By
Do you ever wonder how we arrive at a place where we don’t trust ourselves? Why do we doubt ourselves? Why do we think that someone else must know better than we do, what is best for us even when we are grown up? And before we get to that place what happens that causes children to so easily accept that they deserve to be treated badly?
This is a story that I hear every day in the lives of others who struggle for freedom and wholeness. This is just one example of how I learned to doubt myself. I guess you could say that I was encouraged to doubt myself from a very young age by the way that I was raised.
I was a very quiet, compliant and sweet kid. I never caused trouble or got into trouble. But for some reason I was completely ready to believe that I was indeed a problem and I carried this belief with me into adulthood and into every relationship I ever had. When I was in grade 5, which would have been when I was 10 years old, I had a teacher who hated me. I don’t remember thinking that she hated me back then, I was too busy trying to please her.
This teacher humiliated me in front of the whole class. She regularly threatened to cut my long braids off if I so much as touched them. When my homework was correct, she told the class that my father must have done it. She said that she didn’t know why I was so slow. I disgusted her! She said a lot of horrible devaluing things that damaged my self esteem and I was deathly afraid of her. She seemed to just spit her venom out at me.
When I told my parents, I was told that I must be exaggerating; that I should respect my teacher. They accused me of lying! There was no protection OR validation to be found from my parents. I didn’t try very hard to get them to listen to me. They had been telling me for years that I was overly dramatic and that I liked to talk to hear myself talk, so I knew that I was wasting my time. Furthermore, I was willing to accept that it must be my fault. Somehow I had done something to make this teacher hate me. I was causing her stress somehow. I believed it.
I was taught to respect my elders by being told that I was lying, that I was exaggerating, that I was dramatic. Worse yet, these statements were made by my parents in smiling gentle tones so I could be told that I misunderstood those reprimands. Respect came to mean that everyone else is right; I am wrong. I believed that I was less valuable then others because I was not heard. I was dismissed. There was no equality. I didn’t even get a say. These things defined me, they became about who I was; a liar, dramatic, an attention seeker.
I got very sick that year. I suppose the stress affected me physically, but there were some things about my illness that caused the paediatrician to gently pry into my emotional life. He asked my parents to leave the room and I remember that he talked to me; he wanted to know about me and he listened to me and it came out about my teacher. I don’t remember all the details, but it resulted in him ordering them to take me out of the class that I was in. He said that if they didn’t, or if the school would not co-operate he would get a lawyer. The teacher was emotionally and psychologically abusing me.
I felt guilty that he stuck up for me. I felt unworthy. Deep down I was pretty sure that I was the one that was causing the problem and that now I’d caused my parents embarrassment; they would have to go to the school and get me out of that class. This was a horrific time for me and my dissociation took a different turn that year. I can still remember the internal fight, I constantly questioned myself about whether or not I had made the whole thing up and then in the same breath consoled myself with the fact that my parents told me the teacher confessed everything in a meeting.
I learned to doubt myself way before this teacher abuse thing. I had learned to doubt when I was being abused and where the blame lay by the actions, reactions and teachings of the adults in my life.
Darlene Ouimet
29 Comments
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:55 pm
Darlene –
What an astonishing story to share! Thank you for the courage to do so! I am saddened that you had to go through such a horrific experience with that teacher. I am astounded that your parents didn’t believe you or support you, and instead taught to doubt your reality, your intuition, your truth! And taught that you must be a problem, and therefore somehow deserved the treatment. It is really sad that it took a neutral party – the doctor – to get to the root of the problem, name it as abuse, and force your parents to take action!
Marvelous sharing, and you shine a light for others who may have been through similar things! We who have been through abuse are taught to doubt our intuition, and that somehow it was our fault, and you showed us how that happens!
Thanks,
Dan
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:59 pm
What an awesome day we have shared Darlene! I knew this post was coming and I thank you for sharing it.
It has touched so many painful places my inner child experienced. Her tears are being shed now as she relives every humiliating, agonizing moment. Emerging and letting go of those messages!
Thank you!
February 22nd, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Dan how wonderful to see your name in the comments section and what lovely things you have to say to me tonight! Thanks so much for sharing.
For those of you who don’t know, Dan wrote a book called “Freedom’s Just another Word”. His story is about surviving abuse and he knows from personal experience about being taught to doubt and even shut down intuition; even to justify the abusive behavior of adults. Please click on his name and visit his blog.
Hugs Darlene
February 22nd, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Hi Catherine!
It is wonderful to hear from you tonight! Yes we have shared a powerful day working for the good of mankind in the name of truth! Everyone deserves to live a full life in freedom and wholeness!
Thanks so much for sharing your heart tonight by leaving this comment and for all that you do to make a difference in the lives of others who have suffered abuse. Thank you also for all the promotion that you do for this blog in order to get the word out that recovery is possible!
Hugs, Darlene
February 22nd, 2010 at 8:50 pm
What a wonderful doctor you had! This is a heart-wrenching post.. You certainly have come a long way from that little girl.
I too had a similar experience when I was in the 2nd grade. The teacher was verbally abusive and made it her mission to humiliate me in front of the class every day. After crying for 2 weeks straight, my mother finally got the message that something was wrong and she talked to the school. I was transferred to another class and had no problem going forward with the new teacher.
I don’t know what set it off between me and the teacher but she was the adult and should have intervened. Back then, I thought it was something I did wrong and my strong reaction just manifested from there.
Thanks again for an insightful post!
February 22nd, 2010 at 11:20 pm
Hey Darlene!
Thank you for your courage and openness, you touch me deeply!
John
February 23rd, 2010 at 12:18 am
Hi Darlene, It was high time I popped over here from Twitter to see what you’re up to – and am I glad I did!
I appreciate your authenticity and candor. I’m sorry to hear that your teacher tore you down rather than build you up as she should have – and that your parents didn’t believe you.
Your story will no doubt help others who have been wounded by behaviors of the adults around them – who have made up a story in their minds that they were “bad” as a result.
Thank you for sharing.
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:44 am
It took me a long time to figure out the bullying and emotional abuse wasn’t my fault. It was in the course of writing my book, Not of My Making, that I finally realized and accepted it. It was both liberating and terrifying at the same time. Liberating because I no longer carried the guilt and shame. Terrifying because it meant there were some things out of my control and that could hurt me. I have since developed some skills to push back those who would bully me if they could get away with it.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:45 am
Hi Sharon!
You are right, I have come a long way; I am not submissive or quiet anymore! LOL (I am still sweet.. =)
Thanks for sharing your similar story here! I have come to realize that some people require to abuse others because it is the only impact that they have in their sad lives.. I suspect that these teachers were also victims of abuse, (NO EXCUSE) and that they had their own learned behavior issues about how overpowering someone else makes them feel better about their lack of power elsewhere.
I was happy to read that your Mom intervened and took care of YOU.
As for the Dr. who helped me, I think he planted the seeds of truth seeking in me all those years ago. He showed me that standing up for the truth can save lives. Wouldn’t it be cool to find him and thank him after all these years. I might have to look into that!
Have a great day! Darlene
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:52 am
Hi Lisa!
Thanks for coming over from the twitterverse and thank you for your encouragement and support! I have a huge passion to shed light on what causes us to believe we are “bad” and to help others re-wire that belief!
Thanks for your comments!
Darlene
February 23rd, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Margaret!
Liberating and Terrifying is exactly what it is! I find that each step in the process of “emerging from broken” which is largely about taking my own life back, has been just that; Liberating and Terrifying.
Thanks so much for your comments.
Darlene
February 23rd, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Wow just a tremendous story… I am almost left speechless. I was wondering if you would be interested in having a blog or two posted on our website? Please take a look at our pages and let me know what you think?
Brian
http://www.mindyourmind.ca
http://www.mindyourmindpro.ca
February 23rd, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Hi Brian,
Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment and your invite! I looked at the site MindyourMind.ca just now, and WOW! (Now I am nearly speechless) I would love to contribute to such a wonderful effort! Give me a few days and I will email you!
Have a great day!
Darlene
February 23rd, 2010 at 5:29 pm
Darlene, What a powerful story. Thank you for posting your truth. What an amazing doctor, not only to take the action he did, but to listen carefully to a child. Wow!
February 23rd, 2010 at 8:51 pm
Darlene,
I very much identify with your story. This reminds me how we need to listen to our children and validate thier feelings and investigate and not pass them off as ones that do not know what is going on. Our little ones see things we miss and are honest with the cause and effect of what is hurting them. They are not stupid!!
Children are humanbeings it is unfortunate that we as adults discredit their insight which starts the cycle of them not trusting themselves. Totaly setting them up for abusers to flock to them.
Thank you for sharing your this it brought back memories and encouraged me to continue to trust myself…
Angela
February 24th, 2010 at 5:26 am
Darlene, your testimony is a perfect example of why parents should be very involved in their children’s education. Many are at home, but do not make the time to get to know the teachers. Often, problems at school are passed off on the kids due to ‘developmental’ issues considered to be normal challenges, when there may be an underlying issue with the teacher’s abusive behavior.
I’ve had to intervene twice with my daughter’s teachers over the past two school years (8th/9th grade) because of their verbal or emotional abuse toward her. Some teachers clearly do not belong in these positions. Unfortunately, parents end up having to remove their children before the public schools will take any action toward the teacher. Their first response is usually targeted at the students ‘issue with authority’. GOOD! I’m happy my daughter is not going to take their S**T!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It blessed me and equipped me on so many levels, including leading me to http://www.mindyourmind.ca – This is an excellent resource for our youth at Powerhouse Ministries.
Peace, my dear sister ~
February 24th, 2010 at 10:19 am
Thank you for sharing this. My heart aches for the young girl who was you. I am so glad that you had the doctor who advocated for you. I wish more would step up to the plate and advocate for our kids who are getting abused…before so much self-esteem damage is done. You make it very clear in this poignant writing, how those damaging messages get implanted.
February 25th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Thanks to everyone who shared this post with others, and to those of you who commented! You may never know what an impact that you have had towards spreading the message of hope for healing and wholeness. Some amazing things happened as a result of this post being read! I can’t thank everyone enough!
Also a little bit of excitement for Carla and I ~ we broke our comment record and we also reached our goal of having 1000 views on our blog in a 30 day period. As of today in the last 30 days we have had 1047 views and over double that in page views! Of those, over 400 NEW people have visited our blog. These are exiting numbers for us as we approach our 3 month anniversary!
Thank you all for being here as we continue this journey together!
Darlene Ouimet
February 25th, 2010 at 10:11 pm
Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by Hopefortrauma: RT @Thriver: RT @soundsblue If you are an abuse survivor check out http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=518...
May 23rd, 2010 at 12:39 am
Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!
July 26th, 2010 at 3:33 am
Hi
These types of subte abuse are the hardest to see as others do not understand.
I am an adult that is happily married that was emotionally abused by my father in such a subtle way that only my brothers and sisters and husband understand. My mother never saw the abuse as it was clouded in love and adoration and thus she enabled it to go on. From as young as I could remember I wanted my parents to get divorced so that they would be diluted as I found it really hard to protect myself from both of them together but that never happened.
On to the abuse. My whole life my personal thoughts were questioned and analyzed and dimished. Why do you think that? Don’t think that? How can you think that? Promise me you wont think that anymore, which also came with the added unspoken message that if you make a promise god hears it and you will burn in hell if you break your promise. The constant questioning and trying to get into my head was often met with rejection on my part which was then undermined by: I just love you so much and you are my child.
I felt like they tried to own me and I spent my whole life pushing them away that I ended up with a nervous problem. On the few occasions that we have a decent conversation they sense my weakness and the attacks start so subtly at first that I don’t see them coming until it is too late and they are in my head trying to put their opinions there. The biggest tool they used was guilt. Don’t you love me, we just want what is best for you. Isn’t that for me to decide. I never really rebelled as a child and am an adult with my head screwed on straight so there is no reason for them to try and change me (not that anyone has the right to try and change anyone) but that they always do. The worst thing that my father does is question the few answers that I give him to all of his insesant questions. He replies with “are you sure?” This has been going on my whole life and my husband (what would I do without him) thinks that that is the most damaging and even though I am a strong person, that constant battering away at my confidance has made it really difficult for me to trust my opinion. Now that I recognise what the problem is I have managed for the first time (last week) ever to see my parents as two different people and that my dad is a bully and maybe the healing can begin.
July 26th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Privacy,
Hi and welcome. You make some great points and you discribe the subtle abuse tactics so well. It is in these realizations that the healing does begin, at least that is how it worked for me. It is very hard to come out of “the fog” when we are raised in such confusion, mixed messages, guilt, and all the rest, but wow when we do… amazing things happen to our self esteem.
Thanks so much for your comments, and I really hope that you will share with us again.
Hugs, Darlene
July 27th, 2010 at 10:45 am
That is so true the way that you mention the fog. Coming out of the fog gave me the realization that my parents are two different people. Now that my confidance is growing in that I have a right to my feelings I can feel the healing move through my body and as it moves through my body so my legs are able to work a little better each day and soon I will be fully mobile again.
July 27th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Hi Privacy!
I had some amazing body healing stuff take place too. I was stunned at how my physical health was connected to my emotional health. I am so glad you are getting better! Keep striving to live free and emerge from broken!
Hugs, Darlene
August 20th, 2010 at 10:08 am
I’ve recently been told I am way too angry; it’s not that I don’t recognize anger, but one of my son’s in law has chided me for anger, for being over reactive and for too often referring to body parts as symbols of speech..(??!!)
Having happened this last weekend, I am still reeling from his comments. Am I doing that? I feel like a little kid again..the shaming treatment still rules in some places.
I’ve been pondering what to do; I still have no answers..
I used a quote from a deceased friend from whom I received that comment during some prayer time for my eldest daughter delivery of twins. Later I explained the source..
I simply won’t engage in conversation with him…while I ponder what to do.
August 20th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Vivian,
Why does he get to tell you how to be? That is what I am wondering about based on my expierence of being told how to act or not act. I was always told “who I am”. My father in law called me a bully. I was like “what the heck” and I too racked my brain to figure out what I had done to make him feel that way. I was so willing to take the blame, and to adjust to what he wanted, but I realized that HE is the one who is a bully and even by his statement he was trying to get me to shut up, to get back down in the corner where he likes me to be so that I never interfere with HIS control over me. (and the control he used to have over my husband)
I found so much freedom in looking at these situations from a new angle. The angle of equality!
So much love Viv!
Darlene
August 20th, 2010 at 10:27 am
Thank you Darlene,
I am processing that question and am going to come to integrating that new angle of equality. Thanks for the “hand up.” I’m off my face now…
You did not deserve that from that man. What you rcvd from him sounds line for line like the treatment from my father in law.. only the words were “stupid, louse, etc.”
August 20th, 2010 at 10:27 am
My son in law and his family are very sure they are right about everything..I’m not riding that pony any longer!
August 20th, 2010 at 10:38 am
Glad to do it Vivian!
My father in law thought he owned me.. like he owned everyone else. He hated it when I started to fight back and try to have my own thoughts. My whole family (husband and kids) got set free from that cycle because I stood up and said “enough” and “no more”.
I am SO much happier now!