People who try to Silence Victims Interfere with Emotional HealingBy
I want to validate all the readers who comment here in Emerging from Broken. There is nothing wrong with talking about the pain of child abuse and neglect. There is nothing wrong with healing and becoming empowered by exposing how we lost our power and choice in our lives. We have everything to gain by doing this! I took my life back when I finally validated the pain of rejection that I had felt most of my life at the hands of other people. If the truth is what sets us free then it’s time to expose the truth and talk about it.
I think that fear gets in the way most of the time. Although there is a lot of personal fear when we begin to face the truth about what caused the damage to our self-esteem in the first place, there is also fear that comes up in the people around us too. There are people who can’t stand anyone else facing the truth or facing their fears in case they have to face their own truth ~ so rather than listening or simply ignoring, they have to jump in and try to STOP other people from achieving self-love and freedom from oppression by reprimanding them. Abused people use abuse tactics to keep other people in the prison abuse put them in in the first place.
Although it ‘seems’ logical that everyone would want to escape this prison of oppression , it is surprising how many are terrified to look past it. Fear of facing the truth petrifies many. Such is the case when back in Feb of 2012 this woman tried to post the following comment (which I did not publish) on a post I had written in October of 2010. This is a typical example of the lengths people will go to, to shut down the healing process of others in order defend their own choices and deny themselves true freedom and wholeness in their own lives.
Here is what this woman had to say to me and then to the rest of the readers here.
“Why do you not simply move on? your mother’s dysfunction is NOT yours. Refuse to carry it! She feels inadequate and that’s why so many opportunistic men came through the front door. She was lonely and hungry for acceptance and couldn’t find it. When a marriage partner leaves, it makes the one left behind feeling like the most worthless piece of garbage in the world. (in most case people recover from this and move on)This is what drove your mom from male to male. It was easier for her to blame you for her inadequacies so she could feel some minute sense of worth within herself. This was HER problem NOT yours. Why have you not left the past? Do not view yourself as a victim of your mom’s dysfunction, but as a survivor and move on! We all have a way out, simply walk away. You alone have the power of who or what you allow into your life, into your very soul. Do not feed a bad situation by always going back to it. Move on.
I have been battered as a child and sexually abused, but I am a survivor, and I had to forgive so that I could move on to a mentally healthy life. The people who did that to me had their own baggage to carry. I refuse to carry it for them! I chose to walk away. Become involved with giving of your time to those who are less fortunate than you. This brings great personal fulfilment and satisfaction.
All of you on this site, stop now and move on. Refuse to be a victim and move on from the past. By dwelling on it you give it life and energy. Replace it by giving of yourself to those less fortunate than you. Try omitting the constant drama in your life, you can truly live a remarkable life without it. At first it may be hard as old habits die hard, but immediately tell yourself. “Stop it!” No matter how often you have to reprimand yourself, eventually you will realize a day has gone by without you having to monitor your thoughts. It works. Today and since my 20s I am a mother, grand mother, great grandmother. I have been blessed abundantly. I volunteer with children. They have always been a large part of my life. I worked, OB, Nursery, Pediatrics and today as with many years before I am still their servant. I came on your post because I wanted to recheck myself, that my decision was correct. I saw my daughter and her daughter in what appeared to be a very dysfunctional relationship. I refused to be drawn into it. I’ve made the choice to distant myself from it. I will help if needed, but I refuse to enable. Reading some of your posts has shown me I made the right choice. Thank you
You have, all of you, have allowed a bad situation to define your life, who you are. You have the power to remain as you are or move on and away from it, forgetting what is behind and do not look back.”
Does anyone else feel reprimanded by this comment??
This comment came in on the blog post “Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationship Nightmares”. The article is about my mother accusing me of doing things to “attract” her boyfriends when I was a teenager. The comments about sexual abuse got so graphic that I had to go back and add a warning to people. I have no idea what this woman thought she was going to accomplish by making that kind of comment addressed to me and to my readers and other commenters on an article of this nature! She encourages “reprimanding yourself” as a way to stop the process of facing the truth. There is NO recovery in self-reprimanding. She actually tries to explain my mothers behaviour, as though if I ‘understood’ my mothers behaviour, that the damage my mother caused me would magically disappear.
I have come to realize however that this comment was about her, the way SHE parented her own kids and was in defence of her own mistakes and really not meant to help any of us in the least. The truth about that, leaks out in the way she has to include so much about all her own accomplishments.
So many survivors of abuse believe that people who don’t understand or won’t listen to them have never “been there themselves” but in actuality, they don’t want to understand it because they don’t want to face the truth about either the way they were raised and or because they want the same silence and respect from their own children that was demanded of them by their parents. That is the cycle of abuse and how it works.
And her final slam; she writes ~ “I came on your post because I wanted to recheck myself, that my decision was correct. I saw my daughter and her daughter in what appeared to be a very dysfunctional relationship. I refused to be drawn into it. I’ve made the choice to distant myself from it. I will help if needed, but I refuse to enable. Reading some of your posts has shown me I made the right choice. Thank you” At first this last comment sounded okay until I realized that she says that she read this painful accounts of child abuse and neglect to validate that she made the right choice in her own life. I find that really odd.
I don’t have to give a voice to abusive people in my website about abuse and abusive people.
If I was going to respond to a comment like this here is what I would say;
“Don’t tell me how to feel. Don’t tell me that I don’t have a right to my pain. Don’t tell me to get over it and move on. YOU don’t get to do that. I didn’t ALLOW a bad situation to define my life ~ people abused me, neglected me, mistreated and disrespected me and THAT is what defined my life. It wasn’t something I did or deserved. Don’t pretend you understand my mother and defend her! How dare you do that to me in my own website where I am talking about the abuse I suffered. I am not a victim anymore, but only because I place the blame squarely where it belongs and can talk about this openly, with 100% confidence that I was terribly devalued as a person throughout my childhood and because it became so normal for me to be treated this way, I was also devalued and discounted well on into my adulthood. You advise me to “Become involved with giving of your time to those who are less fortunate than you. This brings great personal fulfilment and satisfaction.” I have the most popular emotional healing website on the entire internet! I am stunned at the level of judgement that you have heaped on me and the other readers here.”
But I didn’t have to write that stuff to her because I didn’t validate her voice in the first place. And I don’t have to ‘prove’ that my mother was wrong. I don’t have to defend myself. I don’t have to tell her all the reasons I have a right to write whatever I want. I don’t have to validate everyone’s opinion; that is another thing that I was brainwashed about. My voice and the voice of truth was being squished but how dare I squish someone else’s voice EVEN if that voice was abusive. This woman was on the wrong blog! She needs to find a blog that validates abusers and abusive parents and you know what ~ there are LOTS of those websites; this isn’t one of them.
Please share your thoughts on abusive people who try to stop the healing process in other people and how it makes you feel. How can you empower yourself to override them when they try to shut you down?
Exposing Truth one snapshot at a time,
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Related Posts ~ Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationship nightmares
Darlene Ouimet is a Life Transitions Coach specializing in Emotional Healing .