Overcoming Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Darlene…first I want to say how grateful I am at this time in my life to have discovered this website..you are an amazingly brilliant, intelligent, and perceptive woman and all of this helps. Secondly, I wanted to tell you that I personally am so sorry that you suffered so cruelly for too many years to reach this point!
The PTSD is something I think many ppl have and don’t even recognize so I am glad you wrote about it. I think for myself that working through all of the issues alone….despite attempts at therapy and other support systems that were useless for the most part….maybe they were a temporary band-aid on the wounds….it has been tough to reach the place where you are. I am very happy that you have reached a place where you are over all of it! I hope to find that place soon for myself! I feel exhausted…not really pleased or happy or stronger at this point in my life because I am still dealing with sadness at cutting my family members and even ppl I considered to be close friends until the day i ” woke up” and realized that I once again was being treated with less…with another sort of devaluing…and my thoughts and feelings and life were not considered as important as theirs. I do still have some true friends and my husband and child and a very good life….but I still feel the pain of loss. I do feel definitely freer and lighter at the same time, but I want to be OVER it. Do you have any thoughts on this? Thank you!

“No one ever said to me “oh Darlene, I am so sorry that happened to you. It must have been frightening for you. It must have been a nightmare. Is there anything I can do?”
No-one ever said anything like that to me either, no-one could give a damn; no wonder I’m a mess. My pain was never validated and that’s why I can’t ‘put it behind me, move on’. I’m dealing with it now but people don’t ‘get’ what I am trying to do so it’s a lonely business. Thanks that you’re here Darlene.

no one ever said that to me either everyone seems to pretend nothing happened, yet at the same time agreeing it did with statements like it was not spoken about in those days or unbelievably if we tell you what happened to you you will have nightmares for the rest of your life. This was said by a nurse when I first recovered memory and collapsed from sleep deprivation. Violating my rights reading my file which I have been denied even though I have remembered the tortures I suffered remembered and relived night after night(inc at 8 yrs coma head injury and horrors I will not upset people with) for one year solid then gradually less and less as my mind began to heal and work through each shock. Most situations and people re traumatise survivors with inappropriate remarks, denials and invalidation of the acute suffering we endured alone as helpless children and again as we again alone try and muster the courage and energy to heal and make sense of the traumas when we remember as vulnerable adults. Although increasingly I note intelligent therapies and strategies are emerging and about time. Darlene your blogs are so helpful and honest thankyou.

A big part of the problem of overcoming the PTSD is the attitudes from not only the abusers but society itself. We are constantly bombarded with the “Get over it!” “Stop whining!” and “Grow up!” attitudes that adds an extra hurdle to get over.

I get so discouraged by the callousness of people, it’s another reason why I’m still so introverted and prefer solitude. Even when they are being kind, I’m still wary.

Hi Darlene, I wondered if you had an opinion on some recent studies that have talked about post-traumatic growth. If you google the work of the British psychologist Stephen Joseph, you will find some of his thinking. I hope that it doesn’t become another ‘requirement’ like the way that some people expect people to be able to forgive – but I do experience a different outlook on life from those who have experienced and have, perhaps received a personal sense of support from others (including therapists) in overcoming the effects. I think it is just as important to be able to talk about recovery as the trauma itself and I see you doing both with fluidity and compassion.

This has been my life in a nutshell. I deal with the pain of being abused every day. The key is that I DEAL with it. The only people that i allow to speak into my situation now are my wife and Darlene and a couple of other trusted friends. I made the mistake for a long time of sharing w/others who too were broken and had not worked on their issues and thus were not helpful or validating at all. I also shared with friends that could not or would not relate either because they had no clue what i was going through or it brought their own pain to the surface which scared them so they pushed it back down really quick and came up with some pat answer like Darlene has mentioned many do.

One former friend of mine gave me some very good advice last year – she said “We are each in charge of our own healing.” that means I call the shots. I decide how i get help and what type of help. I decide what works for me and what doesn’t. I decide who its safe to share with. I think so many in recovery want to get better quickly so they share with a whole bunch of people and end up getting a bunch of mixed messages (i did this for a long time) or they put expectations on others that just cannot be met. No one else can heal us. No one else has all the answers. Darlene has more answers and more insight than anyone else that i have ever come across. It helps that her situation and mine are very, very similar. When she writes often, its like i am writing. She validates me just with her blog everytime she writes. I have come a long way. I still cry every day because i was in an abusive home for 21 years. I have a lot of loss and grief and pain and i work on it every day. It has become my biggest priority. I deserve to heal. I deserve to get better. I can see God leading and helping me along the way. I deserve way more than i got. Those are the messages i tell myself every day. My past does not define me. Even tho my heart has been broken almost my whole life it does not mean that it will always be broken. Even tho i have lost almost all my close friends it does not mean that i wont have close friends again in the future. I have learned what constitutes a healthy relationship and what good boundaries are. those two things have been huge in my healing process. I dont need validation from others anymore. I have found enough of it here and a couple of other places.

One of the biggest mistakes i made through this whole process, which i really began in 1998, was that i depended way too much on other people for answers. I didnt have enough self esteem and belief that i could find the answers myself and that i didnt need other people in order to heal. I was in too much pain to know where to find good help and was deeply depressed and saw no way out so i just kept going from one person to another to another trying to find answers. Some of them had good advice and were helpful. Most of them were not.

Our society/country (USA) is broken. Most people that i know here never work on their issues and never heal from the past. Everyone has issues. The vast majority of people wont ever take the time to look at them and heal but i will. I am not like them. I have chosen a different and better path. I work on my issues everyday. I take responsibility for my pain. I own it. I dont blame anyone else. My parents were awful and very abusive. I still have a lot of anger i am working through towards them but i deal with it every day and work on it because i want to be free of the past and have a bright future without being defined by what happened to me and by what i have been diagnosed with as a result of the abuse and neglect. You can do it too. It has to be a life priority. It has to be the thing you work hardest at. Many days i am exhausted from crying. I take naps. I work at night if i cant work a full day. I balance my responsibilities with adding very little to my schedule because of the time and energy that it takes to get better but i am getting there and i will one day be free of the pain. I greatly look forward to that day !!

Dave

Hi Jo
I am not familiar with his work. I googled him but couldn’t find much about the working model he uses outside of the books he has.
Thank you for your compliment and your comments,
hugs, Darlene

Hi SMD

I can relate to your stories, only the details are different. My mother was always so careless about the things she told me and about my feelings. I smiled when you called your mom a “closet narc” ~ something that really helped me with that whole thing is that if a person can control their behaviour (closet narc) then it is not a personality disorder. A personality disorder can’t be controlled and shown only to certain people. Although it is very helpful and even shocking (because it describes some of our mothers so very well) to read about narcissistic personality disorder stuff, it is even more helpful to realize that it doesn’t help to diagnosis controlling and dismissive family with that, if it isn’t really the disorder they have. I was really angry when I realized that although my mother fits the narc description, she controls it so well that she can’t possibly have a problem with NPD.

Thank you for sharing!

Hugs, Darlene

Darlene, I really never had a mental health care professional talk to me about my past in any depth. They completely missed PTSD then when I was in some family counseling, the psychologist mentioned my PTSd as if it was something I was aware of but I wasn’t. He did the same about my sexual abuse that I thought was my fault. It was when I investigated what he said later, on my own that I understood that he was right. PTSD fit like a glove. Just knowing there was a reason for why I felt and reacted to thngs the way I did was healing. My family of origin made fun of me and my PTSD symptoms before I had a name for them. I was treated as a defect and when I was diagnosed bipolar it reafirmed their definition of me. My mom loved the bipolar diagnosis because it freed her from any responsibility in raising me. Then when I understood myself has having PTSD, all that shifted back to her and my dad. That’s when I learned how little they love me.

I’m much stronger these days but I know there is still a lot that I don’t remember. I don’t know if I’ll ever remember it all. Since all of this is out in the open, I’m having a lot of tactle flashbacks and sometimes an immobilizing depression comes with them but it passes with the flashback and reinforces the fact that this is where those immobilizing depressions developed in the first place. I think some of it happened before I was old enough to understand what had happened. I don’t know if I’ll ever have concrete memories of it. My body remembers. I’m trying to accept those memories without forcing them or imagining a context for what I remember by feeling only. This is the deep dark hole in the basement of my house dream that I’ve shared with you earlier.It terrifies me and of all things I’ve hidden from myself, quite successfully, these are the ones I buried even more deeply than the others.

Every time I think I’ve reached the bottom of this, faced everything there is to face, another layer seems to emerge. Exhaustion is the right term.

Pam

Hi Pam!
So many survivors who go to therapy have been so groomed NOT to talk about the trauma that therapists often don’t have the chance to diagnosis PTSD. I worked in the therapy world and most people thought that the problem was what was going on in the present day and most therapists didn’t dig and deeper than that. I totally resisted when a therapist I had wanted to talk about my childhood in detail. Having said that, not one therapist I ever saw said a word about PTSD. I don’t put much stock in diagnosis but I like this one because there is a component of it in ALL diagnosis.

Layers… ah yes.. everything happens in layers and there were more layers than I ever dreamed! The good news is that they are not all shed at once!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Lela
Thank you for sharing this VICTORY post! That is awesome!
Hugs, Darlene

Darlene,
Thanks for clarifying the difference between Narc PD & Bully/Controlling Behavior. Yes, my mom is controlling for putting me down & pushing me around! PTSD is a good diagnosis for me-it fits my flashbacks & depressions. I was “under stress from the traumas” and I had to “deal with the damage the trauma caused”. I’ve been digging & going deeper over the last 4 years to face the damage. There are so many layers to uncover & it’s exhausting work! I’m worth it though & my healing will make me a better/healthier mom to my children.
Thanks,
Sonia

my husband is a disabled vetarin. he has been getting treatments at the va for combat ptsd for 4 years now. as his wife, and closest person to him i get extremly defensive and protective over him. he is a wanderful man that was in dessert storm, and lost three children in a fire here in arkansas while he was serving his country, fighting for our freedom. i hear of all these people “over-coming ptsd”. all of his dr.’s and i strongly disagree with the idea of over-coming it. it is a mental disease, that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life. also, no parent should ever have to bury their children, and all together in one casket cause they are chard together. i am sorry is what i am saying hurts anyone, or offends anyone, not my intention, but a person in my husbands condition, never gets over ptsd. and if anyone thinks it is possible, come to the va center and talk to all these dr.’s and vetarins about how to do it. and just maybe eyes will be opened.

Welcome to Jennifer, Amanda and Strong Little Frog

Jennifer ~ the pain and anger went away for me. In this site I talk about how I overcame the past and all the manifestations of unresolved truama. I hope you will stick around, there is a lot of support and healing here.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Strong Little Frog
You are certainly not alone! Gald that you are here too.
Hugs, Darlene

Kim ~ PTSD is now a popular diagnosis for many kinds of trauma today. I think it might be because facing the trauma is what works the best. My kids have reaped the rewards of my healing and healing certianly made me a better mom!
I am glad that you are here.
Hugs, Darlene

My daughter and son both have PTSD resulting from abuse from their father. Both in their mid thirties. My daughter is mentally disabled and started recovering memories of her abuse over ten years ago. It’s been a long, slow and heartbreaking journey watching her struggle with the truth of what she lived through and because she is disabled and processes things differently, her therapist has had to be creative in treating her. I could write much here but just want to say I get very discouraged that she will ever “emerge from broken”. My son is bipolar, has been homeless on and off, can’t hold a job for long and the list goes on. He has not even started toward healing but I pray someday he will want to “emerge from broken”. I am appreciative to have found your site here and next weekend my daughter and I will be tossing a rock for freedom in a local pond. Thank you, and God bless.

I wrote in yesterday when I found this site I was excited to know that I’m not the only one with this disorder. Last night when I came home from work I found out a friend of mine passed away, after battling cancer, I was upset and sad but I just kept feeling that it should have been me. She was a couple of years younger than me and this is the time for her too live.It just brings up memories of not being wanted, when I left my moms house at 16 I was told by her that she wished I was dead so she could collect my life insurance money at that time. It makes me angry and hurt because I always helped her, when my dad got cancer i took care of him, and then i had to do the same when she got sick, unlike my father my mother treated me horrid no food in the house snide remarks that i wasn’t doing my hardest to support the family. Before my dad died he told me to be strong and he would always be there, That hope he gave me made me stand up to her when I said I couldn’t do this anymore I couldn’t watch more people die, I loved her until she told me i wasn’t her daughter any longer and pointed a gun in my face. I left the house and went into foster care for the rest of my teenage years. I’m grateful for the family who saved me and gave me the love that i so craved for and the appreciation. I was adopted into their family and I’ve been there for them no matter what. I feel a loss all over again, And i do know that my life ending wouldn’t make much sense I do truly believe that life as something special for me planned I just don’t know what yet. I guess i feel i have survivors guilt. any thoughts or suggestions on coping with this?

Hi Jennifer
I am really sorry that this has happened to your friend and sorry for your loss. Sometimes these feelings are triggered because our minds are indicating that we are ready to face and deal with them. I hope that this is what is going on with you. I have written lots in this site about realizing things and changing the lies that I believed about myself back to the truth so that I was free to move forward with really living.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Caden
I love the work of Alice Miller. Believe it or not I only found her work a little over a year ago! Facing the truth in the way we are talking about IS what set me free. Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Caden, I am very interested in the writing therapy techniques you mentioned and the online Alice Miller group. Is it possible for you to share any more information about these?

Thanks,
Sophia

Jennifer – i too am very sorry for your loss. I can certainly relate. I have lost 3 friends in 5 months, including two of them to cancer. Life is hard and there are no easy answers but as you heal little by little, things will become a little lighter and a little brighter.

I have been in therapy for 15 years. I have learned far more from this one blog in the 7 or 8 months that i have been coming here than i learned the whole 15 years in therapy. I share everything on here and no one judges me or tells me what i am doing wrong. They accept me and they hear me and they support me. This is your place to connect and be heard jennifer. We are all survivors who are here to support each other. Darlene is not big on us giving advice here to others. its not because she wants to be the only one to give advice, its that she doesnt want us giving advice that may end up being harmful or end up leading people in a wrong direction. You are far from the only one with this disorder. there are hundreds of us on here who post fairly reguarly. I dont know anything about survivors guilt. I would ask my therapist about it if it were something that i was struggling with. I ask my therapist about things i dont understand or things i struggle with and that is usually what helps me the best. Often people dont comment because they dont want to provide unhelpful advice. Dont take it as a sign that people dont care because we care very much for each other we mostly just leave it up to Darlene to answer the posts because she has an abundance of wisdom and has dealt with just about anything that anyone could have an issue or question about. there was a tv show on when i was growing up called Fathers Knows Best. Well when it comes to this site, trust me that Darlene knows best. She speaks from her heart, she is honest and trustworthy and she is reliable and dependable. Everything you want from a true friend and she is someone who will walk beside you every step of the way on your journey. You will make it ! We will make it together ! You can do the work to heal. It just takes time and a willingness to want to get better which it sounds like you have. there is definitely somehthing better for you in store. Thats why you are still here. I truly believe that !

blessings,

Dave

Hi Retha
I think that the depressions etc are a result of the shock ~ they are a result of the trauma and that is where so much of this gets all mixed up. For me when the trauma (shock) was validated it was then that I was on my way to sorting through it.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Dave,
Thank you for such a loving endorsement! I appreciate your confidence in me! (and thank you for your lovely response to Jennifer too)
Hugs, Darlene

Jennifer,
I think Dave was just trying to tell you why people might not answer your request for suggestions so that you didn’t feel “rejected” or ignored. I worry about that too sometimes. There was nothing wrong with the way you posted so don’t worry about it. You will get heard here and you will find understanding. It is okay if you ask questions; when I say “no advice”, I mean advice like “you should leave your family” or “you should go to therapy” I would rather people have the freedom to make up thier own minds about things ~ but I welcome people sharing their exp. such as “I left my family” or “I went to therapy or I quit therapy” ~ there is a difference between sharing what you did, and telling someone else what to do. Agian, I am pretty sure Dave was worried that no one answered your “suggestions question”
glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

WOW!!! Another great resource It always makes me so sad to know that others suffer or have suffered from PTSD, regardless of the form of it, but is absolutely helps to know “we” are not alone. From the little I read my story is somewhat similar. I was diagnosed with Complex Chronic Delayed PTSD quite a few years ago … my world was turned upside down overnight. My diagnosis stems from living with a Schizophrenic Mother for over 16 years; she was diagnosed when I was like two. I’ve been working hard in recovery and I am doing so much better. The nighttime stuff though is debilitating though, to the point where I hate to go to sleep. I’ve been told that because my trauma started at such a young age that the trauma is stored in a part of the brain that cannot be “purged” . For me I knew my life was really really different and I can talk openly with anyone about what went on as child but the “triggers” OMG there are just too many. I feel know bitterness or anger towards anyone, especially not my family. My Father did the best he could, given the era, I was there I live it and I know it. My Mother succeeded in taking her own life in 2004, I wrote a poem that was buried with her and believe she finally found some peace. Other than them I have a brother who is 5 years younger than me so I’m sure you know what my role was. I do hate the ignorance … the mindset of “let go of the past” when “the past has a hold on me”. I hate the stereotyping, labeling, and fear of this BEAST… PTSD. It is my hope, no it is MY goal that I will someday be able to help others, especially children!!! When it comes to the mentally ill the focus is ALWAYS on them; when I was little I just didn’t understand all the horrible words and the blood but as I became older I understood and forgave her BUT I see know difference between Mental Illness and Addiction..it is yours to own and manage. If I can prevent or help even one child not suffer as I have … I would at least feel as though my torment has served some purpose. Can’t wait to explore your page and offerings in more depth. Thank YOU SO MUCH!!!

Hi Deb
Welcome to EFB
It is the damage that has to be faced. All the rest is the smoke that keeps us trapped.

As far as the “truama being stored in a part of the brain that cannot be purged”, those kinds of statements (which I had also been told) indicate that “you might not be able to recover” and I would hesitate to accept that because there is no hope in that. I spent years trying to accept the hopelessness. (and then I found hope!) I am not saying that I needed to have all my memories, but I had enough of them to figure out the impact that the truama had on my belief system and it was there that I found the key. The first abuse that I had fragments of memory on I was about 26 or 28 months old and I had enough recall to put together what I still believed about that event. Things like “I could have stopped it” and “It was my fault” which were deeply cemented in my belief system, and I had to dispell those lies. (had to find them first though)
There is a lot in this site about this stuff. Looking forward to your feedback on some of the other articles!
Hugs, Darlene

Oh I’m sorry I have one more thing, I often hear the phrase “well all the end of the day that is still your mom so” “you only get one mother” I feel they are saying well its your mom so I must accept the behavior or try to deal with her the best I can, continue dealing with her, I mean its all very confusing the feelings I have about her. I don’t get why I must accept these things because she is my mother. Do you have any thing to say about that? Have you ever heard people say that to you.

This is so good. People are so dense when it comes to knowing how to support. Listening and caring is all that is needed. It’s the pat answers that invalidate and cause more damage. This happened with my last therapist (I have had two fantastic therapist in the past that helped me a lot, but a move forced me to search for someone new). He said to set a “start over date” and when I told him that made me feel sick to my stomach and that it felt like a set up (my mom sets me up all of the time in no win situations), he said, “you’re strong enough.” I never went back. No, I am not strong enough! Why else would I be spending precious money and time to get support? These people traumatize me. Once when they called to say they were around the corner for a visit my back went out and I couldn’t stand up straight for three days. When I won’t admit the stress they cause my body does it for me. Currently mom and I are writing letters to attempt to resolve things but with mothers day coming up I have been very stressed. It’s just not that easy. Sometimes the best think is just a listening ear and a hug. No pat answers please!

Hi Darlene Just read over about P.T.S.D. I’m sitting here bracing myself. shoulder’s haunched ready for the impending next traumatic event. There have been countless in my 54 years of non living. Yet here I A’M a fully almost fledged ”SURVIVOR”.Almost as it’s not yet ”Freedom Rock’s Day” Where Upon this fine day I will cast a once very special pebble entrusted to me by someone I did so protect and care for. who later betrayed my trust and respect in them.

I will cast it far in the the cold dept’s of icy water my message will be in my thought process and when I turn around this bit of my past wont even be a distant memory As Freedom will have rock’ed for me.

I best gather many more rock’s One trauma one rock One more piece of the Jigsaw that is my shattered mund. eventually putting the pieces together in the deep icy cold sea And then I will have ”Emerged from Broken”. with a warm glow to finally brighten my day.

Hi Ella and Kim
I really like what you said Kim. Some of the guilt was “taught” to me. All I am asking for is a real relationship with mutual respect. Why is that so unreasonable? Keep reading Ella, (read the mother daughter category ~ there is a button for it at the top under the header graphic). Many of your questions will be addressed by me and by many others. I don’t really care what anyone else says anymore; when people say “well she is your mother (no one says that to me anymore though) I say “SO? So what does that mean?” I don’t think the fact that she gave birth to me doesn’t give her the right to treat me like I am less than she is or to expect me to carry the relationship or to jump through her hoops… I could go on but you get the picuture.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Gretchen!
YES that is so true about listening and caring! (and NOT telling us we are wrong!)
A start over date???? Sounds like a crappy therapist! WHAT on earth does that resolve?? Its that same old “suck it up because the parents are always right and they are the only ones that HAVE rights!!??? YUCK
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Paul
I am really looking forward to hearing about your exp. that day. I hope you will share it.
Hugs, Darlene

Everyone ~ the newest post is published for the Freedom ROCKS event this weekend! (read the freedom rocks “about page” here. See the button under the header graphic up top) There is also a category button for freedom rocks where you can check for the latest posts and comments! This is going to be a very different part of Emerging from Broken! A very celebratory part!

You can read Mimi’s new post here: http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-motivation-behind-freedom-rocks-by-mimi/ Please share with Mimi there!
Hugs, Darlene

Caden
Thank you for your comments ~ I have found being listened to and validated one of the most powerful parts of the process too; it seeems to aid in the strength to keep going further.
Hugs, Darlene

@Caden you are right Thanks for writing back.

Hi Jennifer
Whatever it takes to get to the next step (re meds)! It is OKAY to be in the process!
Hugs, Darlene

Mimi: You hit the nail on the head with post #59. Until we understand the wounds caused by our parents, we can’t get perspective on our adult lives. I am now gaining perspective and see things much clearer, and I too was too intense, and could not let things roll off my back. I firmly believe that letting all that small stuff bother us, will put us in an early grave. Yes, it makes sense about having a bit of guilt over having no guilt, but guilt needs to be reserved for when we actually have wronged someone. Fixing your perspective is nothing to be guilty over. I don’t buy gifts for my mother anymore. She gets a check because I am not spending time trying to pick her out something nice. Mother’s Day 2011, she brought up something I did 35 years ago and spent Mother’s Day telling me how proud she was because she held that grudge for 35 years and is still mad. I sent her a beautiful silk Versace scarf that took me a long time to find and pick out; this type of luxury we do not have in our lives every day. But she ruined it by re-hashing my crime from long ago, for which I had been punished back then. What was my crime? I found a pair of jeans she had hidden away for Christmas and I tried them on, but the receipt fell out on the floor and when she came home she saw the receipt and she knew I had been scrounging in her closet. In my dumb kid’s mind, I wanted to try the jeans on to make sure they fit for Christmas LOL. But I grossly defied her and she wields these crimes against her as weapons today to cause me pain. This is thoughtless behavior to keep punishing your child this way and be proud of it no less. For opposing this, I should feel guilt? I’m not sure my mom doesn’t suffer from mental illness … at the very least it is growing narcissism, imo. Good Luck to everyone and my thought is to really ask yourself if your guilt is really warranted or is it a knee-jerk emotional reaction?

Hi Paul I have that craving to be held tight, I grew up with it and it never seems to be satisfied, I seemed to spend much of my childhood and adulthood daydreaming about being hugged instead. Like you I never wanted my mother to hold me, in fact I find the idea quite repulsive. I’d be interested to know what Darlene thinks of this.

That’s very sad Paul; I’ll get back to you tomorrow as it’s way past my bedtime now.

Hey Jennifer – i hope your appointment with your therapist went well. I am seeing a new one tomorrow and another new one on Monday. I am glad you chose to go back on medication. I started back on them a few years ago. I wish i had never stopped. I think if i had stayed on them i would not have had as much depression and would not have been so hard on myself and on other people. I feel like a child a lot. Much of what i am processing is related directly to my early childhood years. I view it as a good thing because i am in touch with my inner child and i am taking care of him now the way he was not taken care of before. I am making sure he knows that he is safe now and that no one is going to hurt him. Please keep sharing here and reading Darlene’s blog. It has made a big difference in my recovery the past six months. I have a lot of trauma that i have carried with me for over 40 years that i am working thru and this has been a great place to share what i am going thru and dealing with and to get support and encouragement from others who are going through similar experiences.

blessings,

Dave

Kim M.,
My mom has also bragged to people about things she’s said or done, even coached other mothers on how to administer tough love.

Once when I was in high school, I’d say sophomore or junior, she smacked my face 4 times in a row before school one morning. I said what she regarded as a bad word, she smacked me once, I said another, she smacked me again, etc etc. She LOVES to tell that story. When I was four years old, I was taking a bath with my sister and I got mad at my mom for something, no idea what it was. Anyhow, I told my sister that our mom was a dummy. She heard it and yanked me out of the tub and whipped my bare wet butt as hard as she could. She loves to tell that story too. I only used the word dummy because it’s what I heard at home, from the adults! DUH!

My mother also likes to relive all the hell I put her through. I was a pain to raise and kept her awake at night with worry. I’ve never seen that woman lose sleep over anyone, ever!! If she had asked even once, why I had eventually started acting out, with a desire to face the truth in my answer, things could have been so different. People say I was a sweet child. I wonder why it never occurred to her to find out what was wrong when I started to act out in my teens.
Peace,
Mimi

“guilt their alienated adult children into a fake relationship” Yup, thats my Mom.
I have stopped contact. I still talk and ruminate to my husband but each day I don’t have to
deal with the stress of her devaluing remarks. My rock is for her. I need to work on ME. I need to stop
trying to work on HER.

Its much easier for parents to blame children – that way they dont have to taka any responsibility for their own actions. Its a way of saying “well i had a bad child or my child caused trouble or whatever”…its because they dont want to face the truth because they cant handle it. The truth is that they were the ones that caused all the problems and they blamed us because that was the easy way out. My mother did it my whole childhood and well into my adult years. Everything was everyone else’s fault. That way she didnt have to change or look at herself. Its the classic cop out – its denial in its highest form. When the truth is painful people tend to ignore it and find someone else to blame. Thats how they justify their behavior. They lie to themselves and everyone else in order to keep their charade going. They lie as much as they have to in order to keep people from discovering the truth. Eventually it catches up with them. One day they will be held accoun table for all their lies and abuse. One day they will have no more excuses and no way to justify their abuse and it wont be pretty. God is very clear on what happens to people that abuse children. He said it would be better for them if they had a millstone with a rope attached to it and be thrown into the sea than have to explain why they abused children. Their day is coming. They may go unscathed in this life but not in the next one.

Dave,
You’re exactly right. It is easier to blame the kids. There’s no responsibility in that.

Karen,
I love what you said to your mom about when you were 5, 15, etc. A few years ago, I mentioned to some distant family members in front of my mother that we weren’t a “huggy” family because we weren’t raised that way. Of course my mother was trying to impress these family members at the time so that really made her squirm. She piped up and said, “well, I wasn’t raised that way either, that’s why.” It was quite funny looking back. I so blew her image to my distant family. Now, I’m so glad I said that!!
Hugs and peace,
Mimi

Hi Paul,
You know what’s so funny about the incident with my distant family? It was actually MY family, not hers. She divorced them 30 years ago. The entire paternal side of my family pulled out of my life when I was 11 and my parents divorced. I was reunited with two aunts two years ago from my dad’s side. My mom was so desperate to impress them and put herself in the middle of our budding new relationship that she generously offered a trip to her vacation home for my sisters and I, my two aunts, and herself. What a showdown for attention that was. She made every conversation about her. If we strayed from focusing on how bad her life was with my dad 30 years ago, she would say something left field to bring it back to that. It was so crazy looking back. Also, I didn’t want to go. I used the excuse I didn’t have the money. Since she owns the place, there was no fee to stay there. She offered to pay for anything else, meals out, gas, etc. I never saw a dime. As a matter of fact, we went shopping there and I had a $7 item in her cart. She somehow went through checkout and paid for it. I told her I’d pay her back after I realized it had happened. When we got back to the condo, I made sure to hand her $8 and she took it!! I am a person who says, “don’t worry about it, it’s only $7″ And, if it was my daughter (I don’t have kids), I would hope I would OFFER to buy it!! She would never say that ~ she wanted her money back and ASAP!! She’s crazy, that’s all I can think!
Peace,
Mimi

Hi Everyone
I published my mothers day post! I did it early because of the freedom ROCKS event this weekend!
This post is about how my relationship with my daughter made me sink into a deeper understanding of my non relationship with my mother…
You can read it here:
http://emergingfrombroken.com/the-pain-of-not-having-a-mother-vs-being-a-mother-on-mothers-day/
Hugs, Darlene

Paul,
Thank you for your kindness.

Kim M.,
That’s so funny to me. I might buy myself a gift this year too since I’m not buying my mother one. A nice versace scarf… haha!! And, you should get yourself one too!! I’m thrilled you’re going to throw a rock and make it a mother’s day tradition. I think I’ll join you. I’ve been pondering what to write on my rock. It’s exactly why I’ll need to do this every mother’s day ~ to cover it all!! A single stone surely won’t hold all the words I have inside. I thought about drawing a nice big heart on it…. to represent my mother’s heart of stone!
Peace and love to everyone,
Mimi

Hello Kim M.

Great ide about Mothers day. and as for Fathers day. what painful word’s for me. the throwing away of the pebble I will be doing this saturday is strongly connected to some of my children but not my actual children.

Who knows one of them might in just a few year’s be here telling you all why dady threw away the pebble. and might well help dady throw a sack full of Freedom Rock’s. Perhap’s one day we could all send rock’s to darlene to have them on display in an exhabition such as on World Mental Health Day celebration’s 10th October. we could highlight how family specific traumas cause severe emotional distress and illness. but by creating ”Freedon Rock’s”. We can make possitive changes in our life”. Thank you everyone for such amazing mutual care and support.

Paul.

Hi Paul talking about hugs again, with me it was weird, one the one hand I would crave physical contact but on the other hand, if, for arguments sake, I fell over in the school playground and hurt myself I didn’t want anyone to know and anyone who tried to help me I would want to push away. I think I associated physical contact with being smacked. I’ve only just remembered that mother had a violent temper; when I was older and started to argue with her she would smack me across my face. One time she slapped me so hard one of her nails drew blood and I had a scar for a long time. I have nothing to do with her now because she never told me my father was dying and she didn’t tell me he had died or when the funeral was. I think she showed herself in her true colours then.

Hi Sam we have very similer issues. Talking about how youwere not told your Father was dyinghas really hit home to me. I really feel for you and while I cant feel your pain I sure can share similer experiences. saying that I have a profoundly shocking revelation to reveal. around how and when my baby son was goin to ”DIE” Due to a RARE Disease. O.M.G. It’s to shocking to share with you all.

Anyway although my Mind cries out every second of my life to be held. In the real physical world I avoid all physical contact. I cringe at the thought. The way your mather scratched you must have been very traumatic for you. and triggered a feeling within your mind. A reaction to an adverse event). My langing to be held and the opposite in reality I’m convinced was caused by my first three traumas as described on my website. each 2nd and 3rd making thefirst more traumatic. my brain somehow rejected people comming near me. as when at 10 for instance a firework rocket was fired in to my throat deliberately. this the third major trauma outside the home. I exploded in to a ball of glowing white flme’s. something terrible happened to my mind that night which cant be properly explained I already had strange feelings at nursery school I felt different I now a’m sure it’s O.C.D. And some Bi Polar. I had one very adverse reaction to several shocking action’s. somehow my mind cries out in my thought process to be urgently held. this even when out travelling on a bus/ tram. then I hear a gentle voice saying It’s O.K. Paul I understand. I’m sure it’s to do with not knowing anyone helped me immediately after these traumas while my body and mind were in extreme trauma. ”ALL ALONEIN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCES”. Then back to earth in fear of litrally living and of every human being. Fear of being touched Huge’ed. etc could be said to be ”Fight or flight”. They will hurt me. I’m permanently braced for next attack. when I was with partners any sudden grabbing of me had me in terror sudden moves I had no control over. my mind not knowing if there outstretched arms were friend or foe. an ex grabbed me and bit on to my nose while showing off to her daughters sisters and mother. ”Lokk at me I can inflict pain on paul and he wont fight back/hurt me. the Same Paul who protected mother and not my daughters from a manster of a very violent man. I will sure cast a Black Widow type pebble in to the deepest of cold blue North Sea. But who will Hold Me when I turn around in to a brighter life? I have a Poem called ”Rainman”. on my website. Please read it and match it with what I say here. it’ssignificant to ”FREEDOM Rock’s. and all here. Thank You Sam for sharing so much. ”I Care”.

I used to loss every thing and body that comforts me , the most fear in my mind now is to loss you, your site ,your words that save my soul and my sun,will you stay there?for us?for our broked hearts and souls ? save us. You are our redeemer do not leave us please.

I am struggling to hold on mired in pain and anguish. the trauma is centered right in my head. Its there every day. I cant fight it. I just can only deal with so much at once. its agonizing. I am seeing two different therapists. If i dont go to therapy i wont talk about what happened. I am way too good at focusing on others and their needs and not talking about my own. I am on the verge of tears all the time from the pain. Its like the abuse is slowly just ripping me apart from the inside out. I am in constant pain with almost no one to talk to about it. I was abused by my parents for 40 years until i finally realized what was going on and told my mother to go to hell about 6 months before my father finally died. He hated me and threatened to kill me and my wife different times before he finally died. I have never known a life without pain and trauma from abuse. Every morning when i wake up i know i am going to cry. I have been crying for many years. the depression and sadness are my constant companions. even tho i am on meds it does not take away the sadness and the pain. My life is: cry, eat, work, nap, eat, work, journal, sleep and then start over the next day – same routine. If i dont deal with the pain every single day it just gets worse and i get headaches and then cant manage anything. I have no choice. I have to deal with the pain every day. Its been this way for years. I have no community other than here and no family other than my wife. Its very hard. I never knew life could be so hard. I never knew anyone could experience so much pain, loss, betrayal and heartache. If i dont die from a broken heart it will be a miracle. Keep me in your prayers please. I need them !

Dave

Dave,
I’m sorry you’re going through such pain. You will be in my prayers. It’s horrible what people can do to us. Our parents makes it even more brutal. Dave, I know several people here care about your healing. EFB is really my only support network too. I don’t tell my friends about the deep stuff. I have one friend that is estranged from her abusive mother. She knows all my “stuff”. Other than that, this is where I come to talk. I think it’s okay to have EFB as a refuge. I don’t know where I’d be without EFB and the friends I’ve met here. Years of tears is a LOT of tears. I am hopeful that you will have brighter days. I will be praying.

SMD,
I journal the really deep stuff too. It helps me a lot. For about the last 4 months, I too have been on anxiety medicine. Very light dose compared to what I had to take in my 20s just to function. I take it before bed, and it helps. I’m not at that place of freedom yet. In fact, I keep getting a variety of painful revelations over the last month. I feel like if I have to take the edge off during that time, it’s okay.

I feel a little sense of doom lately. Like, UGH, I have to do this the rest of my life… battle my mom. I remember thinking 6 months ago, which I’ve never mentioned until now ~ I wonder how my life would be if my mom died. Is that when it will stop? Will I only be out from under it when she’s dead? I have the letter I’m drafting that I’ve mentioned recently and planning to send after Memorial day. I have imagined how she will take what I say (holding her accountable) and twist it and cry to everyone she knows. I woke up just now wondering, how is pointing out factual events that were painful, a directly painful jab?? It was ME who had to hear it. It was ME that was a child!! I am stumbling with this and feeling weak. That training I went through still hangs on like chains around my ankles. Was it abuse?? Am I correct in my thinking?? I don’t know why I suddenly have these questions. Maybe because I’m completely alone in it now. It has caused me to question my feelings. I know it happened. That brainwashing runs so deep, I am STILL questioning it.

Yesterday, my grandma (mom’s mother) turned 90. You might have seen this on another post. Anyhow, I took her for dinner. She badmouthed her son horribly. It stinks to swallow that new knowledge. That she’s a part of the problem and has passed it on. She’s been so good to me. But, I know she’s badmouthed me too. She’s done it to other grandkids TO me. She now takes what my mother says as the gospel, and it’s lies. I want to move across the country so bad. We just can’t until my husband retires. UGH…. I hate the thought of waiting through life until I can be across the country from my mother. I remember you saying you weren’t sure if you love your mom anymore. I think my love has been exhausted. The stigma that goes with not loving or honoring your mother is so incredible. I feel weak against that lately too.

I’m still planning to send the letter. I’m just in a place of confusion right now, and questioning myself again. UGH… it stinks!!
Love to you,
Mimi

Once I thought my anger was bad. Then I realized it was my defense, my self protective side, my warrior self. If I wouldn’t hear it, it might come forth at times that were unexpected to me. In time I learned to become the wise guider of my warrior, but I had to hear what my anger was saying for me and to me before my warrior would accept guidance from my good-head-on-my-shoulders becoming-wise over-self. Now I feel that my warrior is what kept me going for quite a long time, I know my warrior was my brave me as well as my angry me, and I honor and respect that life long bravery.

Once I thought tears were a way to show that I needed help and comfort, but they only got me criticism and more abuse. Now I never can cry in front of any other, not even at a funeral, a few blinked back tears is all. My warrior is close by when tears might come in the presence of others, ready to defend my tender side with quick anger against any perceived threat or cruel-intentioned thoughtless criticism. Last time I cried was when my dad’s body was being taken away by a hearse from the house I grew up in. “Never again will I see his kind blue eyes,” I cried aloud. “He was my last link to this family,” my grief said to me in sobs, presaging what was to come. I thought myself alone.
My brother, coming from behind me, unbeknownst to me he was outdoors at all, the GB, said gruffly, “This is entirely unnecessary, you should be thinking of mother, she is the widow, not you..” My tears stopped so my warrior could defend me once again.

I said, “My father has died. You may not feel a loss, but I will always feel it. My grief was neither for your benefit nor for her detriment, and was entirely appropriate. I am outside, away from her, and you came outside from behind me to speak your cruel words. Because you do not feel enough to cry for your father does not make my tears unnecessary. It will be best if you do not speak to me of this anymore, ever.” My voice was not loud, I did not yell. But the warrior was clearly there in my own blue eyes. He turned tail, lost his haughty demeanor, and left me be.

About my warrior analogy:
This might ring true for you, or others as well, although we each see things in different ways, or with different analogies.

i am reading this and feel like i am reading my life story. i was abused as a child an put in a home in which my protective parents did the opposite . the man tried to rape me . my real parents did not believe me . i had a child at 17 yrs old and married at 18 an after trying for 13 yrs. that marriage failed because i wasn’t happy and then had two more children also. i remarried and after 10 yrs. my husband past away an left me from cancer and at this point i was 42 yrs old . my mind at that point did something to where i had blocked things out but hearing from my kids the things i did were very scary. I really do not remember it all . i am on medications now and though i am dealing a lot better i still often wonder where DID I GO ? WHO AM I NOW ?

Hi Dave W I’m in the same boat as you, I have started to remember stuff I’d completely forgotten about and the pain is terrible; just when I think it’s settling down I remember something else and it starts again. I feel like I’ve been fatally stabbed and I’m taking a long time to die. I wonder at times if I’ll ever get as far as re-building.

Karenina:
I too have the warrior side that faces emotional obstacles with anger. I like very much the way you expressed it. My warrior side. I always felt I was very strong. Then was always told by my family that
I was damaged, not good enough. There was always a conflict in me over what seemed to be “the real me”
and what I was Forced to believe. I am so no contact now. What I saw as my being a helpful daughter was
just a continuation of years and years of abuse. I have received validation in my jobs and from good friends
but because of my continuing emotional issues I really didn’t believe that I was any good. The constant
inner turmoil and inability to deal with my reactions to stress confirmed to me that I was indeed broken.
I never realized that the abuse caused the broken. My family told me it was genetic (from my abusive father’s side) and also learned behavior. So according to them I was born damaged (no chance of fixing that) and then by choice chose to be “bad”.
We are talking all A’s in school, never got into trouble, that sort of bad. So you can see where it never added up. But I was TAUGHT to obey and NEVER question. EFB is very eye opening for me.
up and copied his terrible anger.

Mimi..thank you for that great suggestion. I want to get to the bottom of it. Its better than it use to be but I still do it occasionally when I am most triggered. Yes, I did the pictures in the albums many years ago. I don’t keep any family photos now except my grandchildren. I want to learn to be nice to me.
Thanks again!

Agreed. A diagnosis I would’ve never given myself. There are so many incidents that I’ve tried to address with my mother and stepfather through the years and they’ve never accepted them, validated, apologised nor confirmed them. They have strenuously challenged my verse of events and made excuses galore.

At the age of 34, any issues that arise in the here and now are treated the same. I just feel like screaming from somewhere deep down for them, anyone to listen to me.

It seems it has taken me years to acknowledge that my mother abandoned me such a very long time ago and that all these years later, the woman who hid behind all that she “couldn’t” do stands upright and rigid headlong into things she “won’t” do. That is where I’ve grown……the point where I realise that she isn’t a victim of circumstance but rather organiser and executioner.

I have this memory of sleeping outside my moms bedroom door. I’d drug my bedding into the hall after hours of knocking with no answer. I’d shared a bed with her for so many years (through an attempted robbery) and now her boyfriend (my evil stepfather) had decided there was no room for me now. She let him choose. I was young, maybe seven or six. I really feel like that’s the day my mother really left me (even if I’d been left with anyone who would have me for years).

Ive been suffering for so many years. My mom says I am bipolar or have a chemical imbalance. I do not. What I have is the ability to not be spoon fed by her anymore and she’s so narcissistic/co-dependant/manipulative that she know I must be inherently flawed if I’m not owning her version of reality.

The fact that a parent who hasnt had a good model of parenting, is excused from being a horrible parent themselves feels like a free pass to me. I’m that same parent, without a good model, who would rather burn in hell than hand my children the same legacy! It is on this basis that I don’t buy the afore mentioned theory.

Sorry to have gone off on a tangent, but you’re posts really do get my mind working.

Hi ButtaFli
yay for No More! I know it is very hard and very painful. I know what it is like to have been in deep depression for years too and I hope to give and inspire hope! I have not been in a depression for over 7 years not had to take medication for well over 10 years. I wake up each day excited to get out of bed! These were things that I NEVER thought would happen for me. I am alive and I love my life!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi KLM
Welcome to emerging from broken.
This is a very high traffic and positive site! I think you will like it here should you decide to stick around. I totally agree that we need to take care of ourselves emotionally and my site is about learning how to do just that.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

I spent a very long time trying to get my mother to validated how she had treated me, all met with denial. A total waste of my time, why?
Because Its about their sense of self. Like each of us they have a picture of themselves that has to be kept intact and to validate us would cause to big a threat to that sense of self.

I believe we need to look within, we know what experience hurt and we are mistaken seeking others to validate us. It disconnects us from our self belief, our inner knowing, increases the power others have over us and weakens the self.

Well Darlene’s post has hit on the key to healing, imo. You have to recognize yourself because no one did. I have just recently learned that I have monitor my feelings with interactions and interchanges with people and situations — I mean we a do that on a superficial level. But it was the deeper continuously flowing gut feelings in us that got destroyed, isn’t it?, along with the independent thought process because we weren’t allowed to be our own persons. So I’m learning to slow down –solitude helps, so that you have time to process and reduce the incoming action. Make time to slow down and tune into yourself and remind yourself every day, maybe more than once a day, that these feelings matter and are indicators of your safety & security, your wants and needs, are they being met? — yes, you are allowed to have feelings, thoughts & needs!

Hi Again all.

Darlene. when you said ‘No one held you when you cried’.

And here is paul 55 years old crying out to be held as my only so called ‘CURE’ This incredibly desperate feeling is my biggest challenge by far. i have always known this but never payed it to much attention in terms of getting rid of thus feeling.

I was only diognosed with P.T.S.D. In 2006 My first none family related trauma was as a three year old having been cast in to a smouldering ‘FIRE’ I wont go in to grapics out o care respect but it will give an Idea of the emotional pain I enure. and there were two more attack’s at 7 and 10 year old much worse by far. and this was just the beginning of a life time of shocking event’s co incidences that have profoundly effected my life. Including the worst thing that can happen in my life Losing a baby son to RARE Disease. My son’s pain I Felt for not my own.

I really did cry silently someone Help Please Help. But I did not even know what was wrong with my mind I did not know what to ask ore who to but I did know the causes. and My there are very many to keep my Broken/damaged mind company day/night.

I was born in to a dysfunctional family as I priest told me a few years back after talking about the abuses. and I endured shocking abuses in my entire schooling so having endured so many other shocking traumas I sue had no family friend’s to ever talk to I was sillently in permanent shock with no ability to comprehend the magnitude of what was unfolding a serious of shocking event’s on a daily basi for so many years daily as the abuse was daily.

It took the loss off my child to finally realise I had to get help while in extreme trauma.

By chance I tuned in to a Radio Talk Show Who directed me to a Mental Health Drop in Centre. I talked Live on air the next week but did not wait to jump in a taxi to the Centre the next day. As oon as I walked in the door my trs were flooding I was incoherant as I was led in to a quiet room, and I just let it all out so many years of bottled up emotiond drained on to the floor in via my tears.

I could not say long that day due to my distress but I was back in a few day’s and spent a few wonderful years there metting some incredible people who all openly shared their feeling’s hope’s and problems. It’s then I knew I had to speak openly about mutual issues to try and get better services this was in 2000 12 years on I’m blogging away fighting for services I still cant get. some thing’s never change.

Previously I had never had any information about any illness let alone my health issues. I had no concept of the term Mental Health. so detatched from reality and the world around me was.

But that all changed when I started picking up Leaphlet’s in the Drop in Centre. Depression Me. Anxiety. Me Bi Polar ME ME ME ME ME. Obsessive compulsive Disorder HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME.

I’m still fighting to get a diognosis for the last two. but dont actually need it now as I said earlier I’m the expert. but it did take information to know what was keeping me ill. the causes obviously I
m sure were the combined traumatic event’s that never ever got talked about. Talk about Hidden Illnesses. I should mention I have a life time physical illness that attract’s a huge amount of stigma/extreme ridicule. The Humiliation I have endured around this illness would have caused P.T.S.D. On it’s own. There is no cure. and have no choice but to adjust my life around it’s management. having a full rewarding life as most people think of it is just impossible. I have came to terms with this so can concentrate on what I can do something about. ‘Emotionally Heal). And as Darlene so eliquently put’s it ‘Emerge from Broken’. Thank You Darlene.

Sinse my child passed In 1998 I started litrally begging for help from my doctors letting all out about all my illnesses. sadly I picked the wrong doctor as he refused to listen time and time again I’m so very hurt. I fough years for diognoses even them for tretment/management and I’m still fighting for more diognosis to help draw a line from sufferer to healed. and to get rcodnition that I was right all along and should have been helped not shunned and disbelieved when it was always so very obvious to so many people who have for many years mocked/ridiculed and stigmatised me due to my illnesses. but for health professional to go in to denial and he ensuring battle of mind’s with them has coused untolled distress and hurt. and I have no idea how to get over this massive rejection.

Overall there being so many trumas and physical illness and the rejection it’s I feel impossible to get over it all. I’m not really saying it’s ‘IMPOSSIBLE. I just have not worked out how yet Rejection and lonelyness are two mighty adversary’s. to overcome. as is the nightmare’s and obsessive thought’s/Compulsions and Manic episodes and the physical pain due to injuries while I’m sure in Manic Mode. Dont people say Life is struggle. I’m sertain that’s correct. but if you struggle that means you have not overcame? a thought to ponder.

realising and learning about what has happened to me and how it’s been effecting me is my way forward. Knowledge is such a valuable healing tool. acting on it is the tricky one nervous bit at a time with lot’s of step’s backward and frozen to the spot times. yet again people here I a’m chatting away to you all feeling very comfortable with it. if only I could walk out the door every day and replicate it. But I will never give up Hope of the better life I so need and deserve. from Survivor To Survived. Survived. Survived as in Emerged.

Good night All.

Hi Paloma
I totally understand that fear. That event is extreemly frightening. When my mom let her boyfriend back in the house I never felt safe again (until I went through the healing process) because she communicated to me that I WASN’T safe! Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Pinky!
Wow that sounds awful. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with that! Bugs would freak me out too!
Hugs, Darlene

I too am having the worst time of my life. I have a family of 2 sisters and 3 brothers. I believe not one of them know what I go through.Some don’t want to know. My Mom’s Father molested me from the age of 7-16. I always ask myself why did I let him continue in my older ages? Family is very difficult. I have a very bad habit of handling my feeling of not being the same as the rest of the family by lashing out at everyone but especially my Sisters. I feel they should be there for me now 15 years later when I am having flashback. Nothing worse just like it’s happening again in the now. I have one sister who does not care to hear about anything all she wants is to protect her family. She has already told me she does not have the time to sit on the phone and talk to me. She has a family. All of her children are married? I am in a lot of pain and very depressed. I do see a phyc. and hope some day I too can learn to live a happy life. I am 52 years old. Why now?

Hi Jane
Welcome to EFB
You didn’t let him continue, you didn’t know that you even had a choice in the matter. That is the way they get away with it.. none of it was your fault. You will find a lot of info in this site about all your questions.
Glad you are here,
Hugs, Darlene

Paul, I think I have it bad you have to continue to try like I am going to do. I feel unloved unwanted a reject of the family not only being the only one in my family molested by my grandfather for 14 years, I am the only one divorced. I am now remarried and most of my brothers barely speak to him. or his sons. My Niece just christed her daughter and did not invite my husband of 12 years sons and their families, and none of my family think it was mean and wrong. you are strong. we all are we just have to find our way is what I think.

Fear will always be with us we have to continue to fight it and admit it is at least over. Better said than done I no.

I think you have misunderstood me Jane. I didn’t say don’t blame the nasty people who abused you, of course it is their fault. What I said is don’t blame yourself.

Paloma,

tomorrow I am having a appt with my Mom and my Phyc. I am truly terrified. I am afraid of what i will say I do not want to hurt my Mom yet there are things I need her to know. Just because it was her father does not mean I blame her. However she sent me there almost 1 to 2 times a month for the weekend. Just to get me out of the way so she would not have to deal with me and could concentrate on the twins and my older brother playing football. they volunteered at the local sports field and where there every weekend. I was too young to go alone because they had to work at the food stand and my Dad was a coach. How do I explain all this and yet let her no I don’t blame her for what her father did to me?

Jane

Thanks Darlene,

It will be so very hard my Mom is going to be 80 and well the things you think of.??? She is somehwat supportive . But thinks yu take a pil and all is fine.
Double hugs to you
thanks

Thank you so much I am so glad I found this blog site you are all so wonderful and yet with all we all have been through. God Bless You

Many hugs
Jane

Pinkey I am so sorry I thought that this just happened I feel your pain I had Bed bugs in my family room Yes family room threw out every single bit of furniture including rugs etc. I know how you feel it is terrible
just to try and relax must be impossible. Do you own? can you move may be the best for your health even though a nightmare to move.

So must have read wrong.
I hope things get better soon.

hello darlene, i can relate to everything u told in yr article. i still have difficulty in validating my pain, my right to be angry and as u added…to “change those lies to the truth to begin to live again”. So, Id like, just as u managed to do, “to see where and how my worth and self esteem got so damaged” so that I become “able to repair the damage and reclaim my worth and my value.” This is what i aimed at in order to start sleeping normally again without having any pills and so on.
All that will help me realise my dreams.
thanx for y help.
emanuela ricci

Darlene,

The meeting was an emotional mess. Mom is not talking to me. My Sister heard from me what happened and she was in tears and I broke her heart too. What am I to do Just want to give up trying it just does not seem to worth all the pain I am causing my family. We are going to try again this Sat. But my Mom won’t talk to me now either will my sisters. Just what am I to do? My Mom says maybe I should just stay away from everyone for a while. Maybe she is right. She said for a few weeks. that will go through the holidays and ruin them for me and everyone else and I will be the one to blame………SO very sad,angry and all alone.

Hi Emanuela,
This is a blog I just started and all of these people do know exactly how we all feel and what we are feeling as far as self worth and self esteem. I love this blog. Welcome and I hope you stick with us and you will get a lot out of it. It is at a min. keeping me together to function with daily activities.Hang in there, and Welcome.
Hope and hugs,Jane

another meeting with psych and mom this weekend so scared about this one

I have decided to take control of my own life. I don’t care what everyone thinks about me anymore. I have worried about this my whole life and it never turned out very good. PTSD is going to be something I learn to deal with and live with not it living for me. I am so tired, ANGRY, SAD, of what everyone thinks of me and says about me. It is always one sided. If they just spent one day of my life They would understand, yet they choose not to even care. Ignoring me and keeping me out of things makes life easier in the end because after the fighting and yelling I am still all alone. WHy am I even here anyway?

Thanks Darlene for validating my anger as no-one else seems to think I have any right to get angry. If only they new Hugh? I will go it alone I really don’t think I will be missed much they (my sisters) don’t talk to me anyway.Now My Niece who got just the bits and pieces her Mother wanted her to no does not speak to me and all I did for this child now an adult when she was growing up how quickly they forget. I was treating them the way I wanted to be treated special. Never happened for me me But I was going to make sure my sisters daughters new how special they where.

Hooray Pinkey no more bugs so very very happy for you as for the theft those things are expensive too. How creepy. Good luck with the safe. and leave out empty boxes with set mouse traps that will teach them……..again congrats on the bugs just seems to me that the condo people should have taken care of that situation but oh well finally fixed. And I believe you………..

SO Happy to hear you laugh…………………:)

Not to bring things down but……My sister and niece are not talking to me and prob. is the end of our relationship. Family sucks they take sides, they gang up on you. They try harder and harder to push you away. everyone else is important but since you have a serious illness you are a disgrace to the family and you are told to just shut up. I am at the point that I really don’t even think I belong here anymore. The only people keeping me going are my Husband and daughter. I have a few friends that I talk to and they help. but imagine friends not family. I am so very tired of trying to make myself better but everything just backfires. Just because I was at Thanksgiving all think everything is OK . They have no idea what i went through mentally that day they just assumed. My future is very iffy for me right now. I can not deal with this anymore I just can’t.

they don’t even think I have any rights it is there way only I have no rights anymore never did.I am having a break down again and am trying to get to see my psych. tom. waiting on a response.I am not about to lose it I lost it.

@Darlene I am afraid to try the mouse trap idea as I think I would get trapped too but it may work on other things that I dont use every day! I still think its a great idea! hehe! And you can delete this if you dont think it is appropriate.
Jane you are such a nice person thinking of others. If you are sensitive and even if you are not people like that can wreck your emotions. This is just my own experience so I am not saying it will work for everyone and I don’t know your living situation but for me what has worked is seeing these people as emotional clutter and getting rid if them! I just cut them out of my life! It gives me so much peace! I know it is not always possible due to living situations but if possible I cut them off Every year at New Years I take an inventory of how much clutter I am going to cut out of my life! I hope this helps!

How do you throw away family? It has broke my heart that my family does not care about me or what I am going through now, they have no idea how hard it is and they don’t want to no either. I am all alone I have no family anymore one of 6 children and no one is calling me or talking to me. Only support is my Husband and daughter

Pinky, I will get that book and read it. NOW! Losing a family of 5 brothers and sisters is very very hard and devastating.Not to mention all my nieces and nephews. We were at one point pretty close. But with my lack of self worth it has ruined this family situation. I talk to no one . no one calls, I call no-one answers they screen there calls I am all alone when it comes to my family. and it hurts so much. I know why the hair business I work in oncology. Hope all is well now. Temp. Amputation right…..remember that. I have been to a support group and it was ridiculous people talking about drivers in the city and stupid stuff like that not the real issues. Thank you so very much for taking the time to talk with me you will never no how much you help talking to me:)

I need my sisters that is my problem . My nieces and nephews mean the world to me. and my one sister (the oldest) is the one causing all the problems of not letting her kids know and not sharing with them what I am going through right now. They are to perfect of a family to hear this kind of things. Because I told my 31 year old niece that I suffer from PTSD she will not talk to me. Her family is so perfect they can’t know something like this can happen in “our” family.

Hi Jane
I am going to send you a private email ~ please look for it.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Annie
I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time right now. I know that the healing process can be long and it isn’t easy! Hang in there and share as often as you wish.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Annie
Are you asking me if it can be done or are you asking me if other people besides me can do it? Because in my view, if I can do it, so can everybody else! There is hope Annie!
Hang in here!
Hugs, Darlene

Thats awesome Annie!
I hope it all goes great!
Hugs, Darlene

Annie
I am glad that it turned out okay
Hugs, Darlene

So I will stay away for a long while

Well I am going to take the advice and just stay away for a long while, Not that i think anything will change. I have done a lot of mean things but so have they. But they are just remembering the mean things I have done so I am going to stay away.

Staying away is actually making me much calmer and less stressed. Maybe the best thing I could do is just stay away.

I haven’t really developed many of the symptoms often associated with PTSD until the last couple of years. I just used to be constantly depressed and had a lot of rage. Recently I have been experiencing anxiety and panic attacks over some of the littlest things. It helps to know that others DO understand. I have faced the abuse of the past as this article discussed. I even wrote and published a book about it. Yet still the aftershocks haunt me.

Hi David I would love to read your book what is the name of it? You are amazing that you could actually write the book. I always say I can but don’t. Way to go David. The aftershocks for me have been over 35 years. this site helps so much Darlene is an Angel straight from heaven

[...] time, the love of my husband and my faith, my PTSD became more manageable but I didn’t learn that I suffered from clinical depression until I [...]

Hi Louanne
I am not sure what you are asking me; My one on one work is not covered by any insurance and I am not a therapist, I am a life transitions coach. I don’t work specifically with depression due to the guidlines that I am under as a coach.
Please contact me through the contact form here if you have any further questions and I will see what I can do. Meanwhile there is some very good information here in this website about how I dealt with and overcame my own depressions. You may find some comfort in them.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi TJ
I am going to be publishing a new post soon about how damaging it is when people stick up for the abuser and discount the abused. It’s like being re-abused! As I emerged out of the serious fog that I lived in in order to survive, I saw all kinds of the truth about the way it really was. Just the fact that people walked away from relationship with you when you stuck up for yourself is a truth leak about THEM. My mother did that to me; it was not long before I realized that her message to me was “no Darlene, i can’t do what you are asking” and the painful message beneath that was “you are not worth the effort” (I told her that I would only have a relationship with her based on MUTUAL respect) and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was not a new message.

About the exhausting, it IS exhausting coming out of that fog and seeing the truth. I think I was exhausted for 2 years, but the energy I have today is like nothing I had ever imagined!
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Thank you!

Mimi, it does feel like two steps forward and one step back! I have constantly fought against the lies of my emotional abusers, and have made much progress over the years. But a couple years ago, I ended up closing the door on every abuser in my life. As I said, I hadn’t planned to do so, but one by one I confronted lies:

I called my Mom to tell her that I loved her, and was met with an terrible verbal attack. I hung up. A few months later, my Mom sent me a “sweet letter.” I answered, telling her that we all say and do things that are hurtful and let’s let it go and forgive. When she responded with “What have I ever done that hurt you,” I told her. She sent back the next letter I wrote her unopened. Relationship over.

My sister often put me down and insulted me, which I let go because she was wounded. However, she started not answering my calls when I didn’t even know that I had upset her. She got angry with stuff that I didn’t imagine anyone ever getting upset about, such as the fact that I had more FB friends then her. I actually think she grew angry that I wrote about our family’s abuse and then everything else upset her too? When she stopped answer my phone calls, I eventually stopped calling. I can have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want it. Relationship over.

For 3-4 years, my friend kept telling me every single time that we talked that because of her mother’s stroke, she “had no time for reading, studying, praying, thinking…or for friends.” I understand that being a caregiver is exhausting, so I accepted it. However, it got tiresome hearing it EVERY SINGLE ENCOUNTER, and I began to think it was her shield. She is someone who wants to be seen as wise, and she wants to be the one who is strong and fixes other people. She does not want to be the one who is weak and needs to be helped, so she withdraws whenever she struggles until she can come back as strong. I also think she needs people to be weak around her. I saw attempts to force me into the role of needy after I was the strong one and she was the weaker. When I finally told her in concern that she needed to let her friends help her when she was struggling–that’s what friends are for–and that she needed to take a break to care for herself as well as her Mom or she’d get sick, she said, “What are you talking about? I have time for friends! I have time to read, study, think, and pray!” I then caught her in many lies and manipulations. She had occasionally told me that people must be protected from the truth because they can’t handle it. I saw control others, but figured it was not up to me to fight their battles, and if they were willing to accept it, there wasn’t anything I could do. However, when my friend began telling me that she was protecting ME from the truth, I told her NO, do not protect me from the truth, it’s the truth that sets us free, not comforting lies. I’d rather struggle to accept difficult truths than have her protect me from it, and I refused to let her set herself up as god in my life, determining what I could handle or not handle. Our relationship died then, but she tried to restart it a year or so later. When she said that her daughter (one of those she controled) now wanted nothing to do with her, and I had also abandoned her, and that she wasn’t able to think and she didn’t think we had anything in common anymore…I couldn’t endure more. I agreed that our lives were in different places and we no longer had anything in common. Then she immediately changed, writing me “Did I say we had nothing in common? I was thinking, as I sat in my chair enjoying the quiet morning, looking through the window at my flowers, and listening to the beautiful birds while I drank my steaming cup of hot coffee, that OF COURSE we have many things in common…” No more. I wrote that we were in different places and had grow apart and I didn’t think we could be friends. End of relationship.

All these things, the death of my husband’s father, and his niece’s husband getting killed in Afghanistan, and MORE, happened within one year. I think I’ve gotten emotionally exhausted from all these battles and sorrows. I feel exhausted, battered, and sad. I feel filled with self doubt, not sure who I am anymore. I feel as if I’ve taken backward steps. I don’t really think I have. I can see myself taking forward steps:

For example, several scouts in my son’s Boy Scout Troop have been working toward becoming Eagle Scouts. One boy asked to borrow my son’s slider, which holds their uniform kerchief in place, for an important Eagle Scout meeting in which candidates needed to be in full uniform. My son chose to lend it, telling the boy that he needed to return it right away so he’d have it for his own meeting. Three, four weeks went by and I remembered that we hadn’t gotten it back. My son could lose out on his Eagle Scout badge if he wasn’t in full uniform. In the past, it would have been difficult for me to ask for something back. It wasn’t nice, you see. We’ve had people not return things and we’ve bought replacements. We’ve had people return things broken, and we’ve replaced it. THIS time I thought, why should my son be penalized because this kid didn’t return his slider? Why should we have to make the effort to drive 60 miles round trip to get to the Boy Scout store to buy another slider for my son? So I wrote several nice emails to the kid’s mother, asking that he please return it. She answered the first one quickly, saying that her son would return it after school on Friday. It didn’t happen so I wrote another, and another. Finally the kid returned it, and apologized for not getting it back sooner. Yay! A victory for me! But immediately I felt hit with waves of guilt and self-doubt that I had acted like a spoiled brat, nagging and demanding the return of the slider. I knew I hadn’t, and my husband encouraged me that I WAS NOT WRONG. I know that if I hadn’t spoken up, the slider would not have been returned. Sometimes I think it is completely idiotic that I struggle with such minor things. But I know I have been manipulated and abused to accept that everything is my fault, and that if I stand up for myself I am being mean, not nice, rocking the boat…So I am ignoring the guilt and self-doubt and telling myself that I wasn’t wrong to ask for the slider back…

I take steps forward despite the guilt and self-doubt, and then congratulate myself on my victory, despite the guilt and self-doubt. But, oh, it is exhausting to have these constant battles against emotional abusers who have crushed me with anger, blame, manipulation, twisted truth, and rejection.

Mimi,

I so appreciate (and relate) to your comments! And congrats on your own victories! Yay for you!

I find I have to fight constantly against being “nice.” I do not mean that I am trying to be nasty or unloving but I’m trying to overcome a sort of nice that makes me unable to disagree, set healthy limits, or ask for a Boy Scout slider back. Sometimes when I have failed to set a healthy boundary, I think it through and then tell myself that I how I will set a boundary next time. For example, maybe 3 years ago, I was struggling with a health problem and my friend dropped off some medicine for me. Then she asked me if I’d walk her through my garden, which surrounds my house. I took her through the garden because it wouldn’t have been “nice” not to, even though I was not feeling well, hadn’t sleep well in days, and the last thing I wanted was to walk through my garden that day. Later I thought “My goodness, what would have been so bad about simply saying that I would take her through my garden on another day when I felt better?” But I had been so deeply taught that it was “not nice” to speak up, to express my wishes, to defend myself, and to set healthy boundaries. That incident is my reminder that I CAN set boundaries!

You are right that there are so many manipulative bullies around. Sometimes what they do makes me feel like everyone is crazy. Like the last time we visited our one friends, the first thing the man said as we drove up was “Why did you drive this car and not your the other car?” I wanted to say “What sort of question is that? We drove this one because we chose to…like you chose to wear THAT shirt and not another one today.” He acted as if we were wrong to drive the car we did and should have drove the other one. Later, as we sat on their porch, these friends asked what was going on in my life, so ((I)) told them what was going on in ((MY)) life. Then they commented that I was using ((I)) and ((ME)) a lot, as if I was selfish for using those words to answer their questions about what was happening ((MY)) life. How else was I was supposed to answer? How can a person answer such questions without referring to themselves in the first person? For goodness sakes, people are crazy. But I was unable to speak up, feeling myself somehow in the wrong, or that it wouldn’t be “nice” to say what I wanted to say. I keep telling myself it is ok to speak up, to not let people make me feel in the wrong, to not be the wrong kind of nice.

Oh, Mimi,

I completely understand the times of strength and weakness, of two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes I look at myself and think, “Why did I find it so hard to speak up? Why did I give them power over me? I am so PATHETIC.” But other times I look at myself and know that despite what it sounds, I resisted, and I refused to be totally assimilated, and I have made progress. (I’m now thinking of the Borg in Star Trek saying “Prepare to be assimilated, resistance is futile…” and me saying NO!) When I couldn’t go forward, I just tried not to go backward. Sometimes holding ground is a great victory! So if you come crying next week, it’s ok.

With my Mom, I have let her know that I want nothing to do with her. And I told my sister who is completely loyal to her, and who only contacts me to guilt me whenever I try to withdraw from my Mom, that I don’t want contact with her. I also agreed with my friends that “we have nothing in common anymore” and told them I didn’t want to re-establish a friendship. I also had another a friend who was a “victim” always struggling, always crying that no one helped her, no one cared, no one gave her a break. I was always there for her, listened to her cry for hours, let her and her two kids spend weekends with us, babysat her son for free, rearranged our schedule for her…I cared very much about her and we all felt sorry for her and wanted to help her. When we went through the awful year, with the two deaths (husband’s father and niece’s husband) and relationships falling apart, and we couldn’t give to her as much as she wanted, she quickly ditched us. She stopped answering the phone when I called (like my sister did) and quickly found someone else to help and comfort her. I realized then that she was using us…an emotional vampire who suck our energy and joy. I actually confronted all these people. I probably wouldn’t have done it if the year had been less hard, but I had had it with all the tortuous drama. This friend ending up moving in with the other friends I’ve described after she left her abusive husband. The couple needed to be the wise fixers (playing the Servant’s Role), and the other friend needed to be taken care of (Victim), but it ended up being a really dysfunctional situation in which they all resented each other for not being what they wanted the other to be. It was this situation that helped me see them all as abusively manipulative.

My two sisters who are outcasts…I just stop calling them. They never initiated contact with me, and the one sister stopped answering my calls because she kept getting mad at me. I think she initially got angry because I wrote about our family abuse. This sister would get mad at me, yell at me, and insult me, calling herself “brutally honest.” I think she was merely brutal. She constantly told me I wasn’t funny and said loudly in the middle of her large 50th birthday party, “See TJ? This is what it feels like to have fun.” I would never have embarrassed her like this (and she would have been furious with me for much, much less.) This sister would say things like “I think Mom shouldn’t have had so many kids (6). She should have had only four kids. Maybe then she would have been a better Mom.” My sister is the fourth child, and I am the fifth, so if felt as if she was saying that SHE should have been born, that SHE deserved life, but not me. This sister also constantly took credit for anything she thought was good about me. When I got my hair cut 10 years after she told me she thought I should, it was because of HER suggestion; when I was funny, it was because SHE was influencing me; if I had a thought she agreed with, it was because of HER. I finally told her that while I thought she had good qualities that I valued, she was NOT responsible for everything she liked about me. In fact, we didn’t do all that much together so she influenced me very little. She got mad at me. I had had enough. Even though I never told her I didn’t want contact, and I never was mean to her, she and her daughters refuse to acknowledge me when we encounter each other at the store. They quickly leave the store when I enter.

There were things that I grew to understand. It seemed as if the manipulative people all felt they had a right to give their opinion about what my husband and I should and should not do. We were able to set some boundaries–like not letting my Mom control our home. Other boundaries we struggled with. Learning to set boundaries is a work in progress. When our one friends (the husband/wife who play the Servant’s role) expressed dismay that we adopted another cat, I felt embarrassed that we had cats. When we mentioned thinking about buying an RV, those friends told us that it was cheaper to get a motel. “Yeah, you are right,” we said, and didn’t buy one for a couple years. When we finally did buy an RV, my sister was jealous, saying she and her husband don’t spend the money to go on vacations because they are wise with their money. One day I “woke up” and realized that none of these people ever ask OUR opinion about what THEY should do. We felt they had freedom to make their own decisions whether we “approved” or not…why didn’t they give us the same freedom? Why did we think we had to get approval or permission from them? Why is having no cats better than having several cats when we LOVE cats? I don’t care if they don’t have cats, why should they care if we do have them? We bought the RV when we realized that what we LIKED about RVing was sitting outside around a campfire, and enjoying being in a beautiful setting, and taking walks…which can’t be done in a motel. We thought wow, we can make our own choices and THEY DON’T GET A VOTE! Duh.

Like you, Mimi, I have good strong days when I know these things. But I also have weak times where I battle to believe it. I give myself self-talk encouragements all the time: It doesn’t matter what THEY don’t like about our choices–they are OUR choices. We don’t have to live our life according to THEIR standards. It is ok to DEFEND myself and not accept insults and disrespect. It’s ok to separate from abusive people. Believe it or not, it’s even ok to not accept abusive friends on Facebook. It’s not throwing a tantrum to expect that if someone borrows something, they should return it. It is NOT selfish or mean to set healthy boundaries. Duh.

It has been a while since I have been here. Things go up and down as you all know. Lately things have been going down for me I just can not get what happened out of my head. Including with my brothers and sisters. Some care and some just don’t want to here about it. Wonder how they would feel if it was one of them?????????????

I would love to chat with many of you suffering or surviving PTSD and/or conversion disorder and the best ways to get startd on my recovery!!
Thanks so much for being honest & willing to help others!
Hope

Hi Hope
Welcome to EFB
This whole site is about how I got started and what I did to overcome all of this. Glad you are here.
(there are more current discussions going on in the current part of the blog.)
hugs, Darlene

Dear Darlene,
I like Sarah had to Divorce my whole family. My PTSD real kicked in when I had my third child my daughter after two sons. I was molested by older brother so the trigger was her birth. I too got NO support from former Mother & Father the day I made them face my abuse May 24,2010 My Father yelling and mocking got down on his hands and knees and said : do you want me to beg for your forgiveness. I went a life time of sadness and that was there support. Today Like Sarah I reward Myself with love and Freedom.