Jan
10

Official Notice to Oppressors, Abusers and Perpetrators

By

psychological abuse

run

Official Notice to the oppressors, abusers and perpetrators of emotional and psychological abuse;   ~ you were wrong about me. You ARE wrong about me.  I don’t need YOU to make me better. I am better than you know. I am stronger than you ever dreamed. I don’t need you to make me anything.  I am better without you. Watch me fly and wave good bye to you from my position of freedom high above the clouds.

“Sometimes our teachers teach us more than they themselves have learned” Darlene Ouimet

You smiled at me, nodding and tilting your head as though you really understood what I was telling you. You made it easy for me to talk about my pain.  I felt heard. I felt like finally someone understood.  No one had ever really understood me. Certainly no one had ever validated my pain. And since validation was what I needed, it was so easy for you to use that knowledge against me. You validated me yes, but in the end it was only so that you could get what YOU wanted. You were a predator but I was so starved for acknowledgement that I didn’t recognize you as one.

All the while you smiled and listened attentively you were thinking about how you could capture me for your own and take me for your own possession. But I didn’t see it.

I kept telling myself that you would never take advantage of me. I must be misunderstanding the tiny red flags coming up for me; I always misunderstood… all my life I had been told that I misunderstood. I thought that I must be misunderstanding again.

And we talked about my “trust issues”.

I was high with the new feelings of being heard, being validated and being seen. I did not consider that I was being groomed again. Everyone in my past had wanted something from me. Everyone took advantage of me. With men it was often something to do with sex or sexuality.  And this time the warning signs about sex were not present, so I missed the other signs. No one ever wanted me for my brain. No one saw my potential before, in fact, I was used to being treated like I was stupid and incapable. I was so excited to be valued for my brain that I didn’t realize that your motive was just different than what I was used to. Your motive was just as selfish however.   

You wanted me for what I could do for you. 

You threw me crumbs off your table as though I was lucky to have them.  I begged for those crumbs and I believed that I was SO LUCKY to have them until I realized that I am capable of providing the entire meal and that I don’t need you or your pathetic crumbs.

I am not interested in the kind of “love” you have in mind. I know this feeling that I have been tricked this way before. The tactics are familiar, only the details and outcomes have changed.   

I thought you were different. I thought you SHOULD have been different. You were a respected “professional”. You were a “Christian.” You were all the things that I thought meant ‘safe’.

You thought I was ‘nothing’ and you regarded me as such. You thought that I was insignificant compared to you. Well look at me now.

You tried to steal my gifts by telling me that I didn’t have them. You tried to convince me that without you I would not survive. How was I to know that you were manipulating me? How would I have known that you were thinking about what I could do for you, while I thought you were thinking about me; planning how you could take my gifts and make them yours while you took the credit and left me in the darkness.

You are like all the others. Just like all the others. 

You regarded me as though I was stupid; as though I would never catch on. Just like all the others. You are just as pathetic as you taught me THEY were. You are a pathetic blur along with all of the other abusers and oppressors in my past now.  

I thought I needed you but I was wrong.

You can’t have my mind. You can’t have my body. You can’t have me. Don’t touch me again with your poison. The truth has destroyed my respect for you. The truth has set me free.

All my life when men were convincing me that they were trying to “love me”, and make me feel good, they were really only trying to suit themselves. They were preparing the ground for their own pleasure and their own harvest. It was never about me or my feelings. It was all a grooming process. Even in some of the work projects that I did, this exact same grooming process took place. I was less than a prostitute since I never got paid. My contribution was dismissed as unimportant and as though I would never expect to be given any credit in the first place. Without acknowledgement, I now realize that your gratitude was glaringly insincere.  

 I thought it was love, to serve in this way. I thought you were love. And in truth, you were the same as every other predator. Misusing your power to empower yourself; using me to glorify you.  Never seeing ME as an individual with as much value as you saw in yourself.

And you believed all along that I wanted to serve you; you believed that I wanted to be your puppet. You acted like you were doing ME a favor because you regard yourself so highly and me so lowly. I am sure you thought ~ who wouldn’t want to have the privilege of sitting at your feet? And I believed it. I thought I was so lucky that you picked me.  You picked me. I was actually grateful.

As though the fact that you picked me defined me as “worthy”.  I have made that same mistake many times and with many other people in the past, but I see the truth more clearly now.

You are not more important than me. You are just like all the rest. I reeled with the shock of that truth.  You are just like the ones that you warned me about. 

You didn’t see ME, you only saw what I could do for you.

You did not value ME but only valued what I could do for you.

You are no different than any other predator.

But you were wrong about me. You ARE wrong about me.  I don’t need YOU to make me better. I am better than you know. I am stronger than you ever dreamed. I don’t need you to make me anything.  I am better without you. Watch me fly and wave good bye from my position of freedom high above the clouds.

Please share your thoughts. Think carefully about the people who fit this post in your own life. Originally this was a letter to one specific person, but as I wrote it, I realized it was to a former pastor, and to a priest, a few therapists, a few “friends” and a doctor that I had once. When I was editing it I realized that it applied to a much greater list of people in my past then I had first intended.

Exposing Truth;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

Related Posts ~ Taught to think or taught Not to think

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Categories : Freedom & Wholeness

106 Comments

1

Hello Darlene. So many in my life fit this using abusing ignoring dismissing taking but not giving. deceit and lies hurting hurting hurting. but none ever fooling me. You see I see them comming sometimes though with a delayed action like im frozen in time.

Today was such a painful day. Two people in Authority came to supposedly help me they came with a rep of my abuser. they soon started to give me silly meaningless long drawn out leactures. they ask a question so when I answer, they cut me short betwen themand give another useless lecture. it’s only you that’s not normal but you have to be just like us ”NORMAL” It’s part of life we all go through. They said ”People would say we have better thing’s to do like attend road traffic incident’s. Opposed to me reporting the theft and vandalism of my Plant’s in my garden so they should not be called as they would be in another part of town. so they give me their contact details to contact them if I have any problem’s. Im sure to let them know if I get knocked down in my rush to escape them. I Was going to mention to them as they left. by the way your collegue last July told me my plant’s dont matter as they are only plant’s so pointless calling them if they alredy refused to bother arresting and prosicuting theft to my property. But no I did not waste my precious breath on them. It’s my fresh air and they wont take it from me no more. With Care.

2

Wow I am speechless thanks I really needed that this week Ill come back later and comment !

3

IF a letter like this were sent to an abuser, would it not reinforce the abusive nature of that person?

4

This is incredibly powerful stuff. This is stuff that no one talks about (except darlene :). This is the kind of stuff that needs to be shouted from the mountaintop but sadly most people will not get it. So many are so used to being second fiddle and settling for crumbs that they never get out of that cycle. We dont need other people to validate us for who we are. People that see themselves as superior are merely self serving predators who look for victims to take advantage of. We are so stuck on looking to others for validation, meaning and purpose in life when in fact we only need to look to God and to look deep inside and everything you need is right there. The wisdom that Darlene imparts is like a long tall glass of water on a hot summer day. It needs to be soaked in like a sponge bath. Take these words to heart and dont let anything hold you back (or anyone) -go take advantage of what life has to offer and dont let anyone tell you that you cant or you wont succeed. they are just stumbling blocks to your happiness and success. There is life beyond abuse and pain. Overcoming the past is so worth the time and effort to get there !

5

take it easy, Dave; we all have equal value

6

Kate
I don’t understand your comment to Dave. Perhaps you could offer some
Clarity by expanding on it?

7

Hi Darlene,

feeling really down tonight. Find myself applying all the things in this to myself again like last post. I think some of it’s probably legitimate, but I even find myself applying the “sexual predator” thing you describe to myself, and I really don’t think that’s true (just my head f**king with me as usual).

Still so damn tired & feels like almost constant headaches last few days. And still the pressure in the background of wondering if I’ll get a call to say I’ve been kicked out of new place for not moving in yet. &#*@% sucks.

Hope everyone’s doing well.

8

OMG! The timing of this is PERFECT Darlene. Seriously. This whole post is my brother to a T! (except the sexual stuff, for that he would die first). My brother is my abusers biological son. But he, and my other siblings and entire family ( except for my ‘mother’ she is now my abusers ultimate victim) have NO CONTACT with him. My brother started to see (and get ripped off) his fathers manipulative ways when he was 20 yrs old or so and was in business with his father. He started to find out about his fathers lies and manipulations in the business and at the same time started to kind of ‘validate’ me.

As I said in a previous post I felt I had to re -establish a relationship with him after his fatherFINALLY admitted to the abuse (but one instance only, and even then he painted the wrong picture, made excuses for himself and continued to minimize it). (I was only able to get him charged with one thing when I took him to court.. Very disappointing but at least I got that, many get NOTHING)
I have been trying to fix the relationship with my brother for 9 or so years now, and of recent have come to the painful realization, that;

He doesn’t like me
He doesn’t love me as much as i feel entitled
He is like his father in many ways, and it triggers me (I never wanted that to affect our relationship because I feel sorry for him that he has that pile of crap for a father)
He ‘bursts my bubbles’ ALL THE TIME
He has spoken to me many times SO DISRESPECTFULLY, (he even called me a manipulative bitch, repeatadly, in the most nastiest tone he could when I defended my neice recently, a WHOLE other story)
I feel ugly, and stupid nearly everytime I see him or speak to him.
I have been trying to seek his approval this whole time, and I know I don’t need it. I just have to re-inforce that ‘truth’ until I no longer lose sleep over him.
I get ‘body memories’ around him when he displays the same mannerisms as his father (genetics at fault here but I’ve tried to live with it to save him pain)

I realize now I’ve probably come across as desperate to him many times, and now that I realize that it makes me feel abused all over again. (very triggering).

But it’s really hard because I can’t articulate as well as I would like to around him..
I want to redefine our relationship but I can’t stand him most of the time.
VERY VERY HARD!!

I will be re-reading this post MANY more times. It has been and will be so helpful to me.
Thankyou Darlene xx
Love to all

9

hi darlene,

the timing of this post is incredible. i am about to confront family members about the exact issues in this post. Your post has given me not only the inspiration to do it, but the validation of me to give myself permission to exist as equal to these awful human beings.

10

Hi Paul
I am sorry that you are having such a tough time Paul. One of the most powerful and healing things that I learned how to do in this process is self care/self love and self validation. There is a boundary that is drawn in the heart in this process of learning self love that seems to change everything.
Hugs, Darlene

Thanks Char,
Looking forward to your comments.
hugs, Darlene

Hi Dave
Thank you, I am glad you like this post.
Hugs, Darlene

11

Hi Michelle
I have a brother who devalues me and for the most part, always has. The thing that I had to finally realize is that I deserve to be respected as much as he does. If I talked to him the way he talked to me, there would be hell to pay. BUT what I realized is that abuse is abuse and the history (feeling sorry for where his attitude comes from) is just not a valid enough reason for me to pay the price anymore. Abusers make everyone else pay for their pain instead of dealing with their pain. It doesn’t matter where that pain comes from if they are going to take it out on me. I don’t sacrifice myself anymore for that false definition of love. (I used to think putting up with nastiness and understanding the abusive one was love)
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Emma
I love it when the timing is great! Let us know what happens if you want to share and I wish you all the best in this difficult task! I will be thinking about you!
Hugs, Darlene

12

Kate,
I am not sure what you are asking about this type of letter reinforcing the abusive nature of an abusive person so I can’t really respond to your comment.
Please expand.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi J
I had to separate things. I had to learn to concentrate on just the root of the damage and where my belief system developed before I could sort out the stuff where I was so convinced that I was wrong. It isn’t that I was never wrong, or never on the misuse power side of things, it was that as long as I only concentrated on how “bad” that I was, I could not look at the roots of the damage and were any abusiveness in me came from in the first place.
Hope that helps
Hugs, Darlene

13

Hello Darlene as ever you are so wise and right.

Im learning to truelly love and respect myself. as evidence I believe by being so open (Im not ashamed of my health and emotional issues). I am who I am and Im a proud survivor of many an abuse.

People say I alway’s write from the Heart as im doing here now. Financially poor but so rich with love care and understanding.

Yet I have to continue my fight against a very abusive opponent before I can Emerge fully. I uess for the moment I will fight tall and proud. It is so healing to relate to everyone here and to be able to express myself. openly. Thank you everyone for sharing. I Care).

Paul.

14

12-
Dalene,
IF you actually sent this or a more specific letter to your former pastor or current abuser, or whatever, would it tend to reinforce his/her abuse toward you, or pleasure in the abuse once executed, or feed his/her abusive nature in general? I am guessing that it would or could, and that is one reason I would never send a letter (as opposed to writing one for my own and other recovering abusers’ benefits) TO an abuser. It has been my observation that former abusers LOVE this and any attention drawn to their behaviors.

15

Kate,
I no longer care about the reactions of abusers or people who have placed me as less important than I am. I don’t hang around people who devalue me any more so I have no fear of the consequences of what I say to those that see me as less than them. The truth about abusers is that deep down they know how pathetic they are, so actually, a letter like this would not make them feel powerful at all. The truth in it would hurt them, although most of them would defend it and put me down for it. I don’t care about that anymore though. I feel sorry for their followers but they too have a choice too, just like I do. I do not place myself in contact with these people when they will not move off their insistence of being above me.
Something that I have realized is that the boundary is drawn in the heart, not in the words or in the head. Having the boundary drawn in my HEART changed everything. It was solid and other people could “feel it or sense it” and once I really valued myself and believed that I was equally valuable to all others, (everything I write in this site) I didn’t get treated the same way anymore.
Hugs, Darlene

16

Darlene,
I think that each of our life’s experiences with our abusers and abuse-supporting communities play a role in how our boundaries are drawn sometimes. When I realized how legal issues were a part of what was happening, I have to look at that reality all the time now.
So even though I confronted a past abuser, I cut it short so that no legal issues came up. I would not confront certain people in the same way because of past legalities, so I count each step and word in some cases more than others.

17

Hi Darlene,

Trying to post from phone again – see what happens! Just remembered an old christian “warning” tale – I think from a book, rather than in church, but anyway was about getting married and having every person you’d ever had sex with/kissed/I think even had any sort of emotional connection with etc show up to denounce you as a lying bastard at the altar. Hadn’t thought of that one in a while, felt like sharing it.

18

Kate,
I think that life experiences do play a role in how our boundaries are drawn and for me that was why I had to dig so deeply into the foundation of HOW my past effected me so I could change my reactions and boundaries. I don’t know what you are talking about re legal issues, so I can’t speak to that. My mother threatened to take legal action, and I called a lawyer and looked into her threat and then decided not to let her or my past fear of her stop me. She can sue if she likes. (I have been writing for 2 years now and she hasn’t sued me yet. )
I am not sure if that applies to your situation, but thought I would mention it.
Hugs, Darlene

19

Darlene, this is so elequently written! I feel like I could have said all of these things about the people in my life. It was so empowering to read. I’m going to post this on my bathroom mirror to help myself remember in the mornings who I really am and who really has control of my life – me.

Thanks for posting!

20

Darlene,

Thanks for another great post in which so many of us can relate. I’m having kind of an off week, feeling annoyed by some things I have little control of currently, and parts of this post certainly fit my mood. However, that said, I just cannot help but wonder, how does one avoid abusive people without being constantly paranoid, evasive, detatched and cold? I am so tired of people who ever so politely “use and abuse” but there are certain times when one just cannot quickly or easily remove themselves from said situation. Thus we are forced to endure it fully knowing what is going on within it. I cannot help but feel angry mainly because I am powerless to change things and saying something such as what you have written above will only make matters worse because in my experience, when you confront an abuser with the truth, they despise you all the more and try to remove you from their existence any way possible. If you have no other options, this does not seem like a good idea. Examples would be a work environment, business arrangements, etc, where the person who is the abuser is the boss, or the one offering a service that you currently need and cannot find a match for elsewhere.

Darlene, I don’t expect you to answer these, just sort of venting the frustrations. My husband is aware of my current annoyance, but he is much less annoyed about it than I. I wonder if I just take further “abuses” much more personally, or if I just recognize them as what they are while he doesn’t. At any rate, I feel like I am over a barrel at the current moment and I hate it.

Jen

21

Darlene, This is hard to confess but I think what held me back for many years in realising that I’d been sexually abused was my own resistance to admiting my weakness in allowing people to abuse and manipulate me. You’re right that drawing that boundary in the heart is what changes everything and it starts with accepting the truth no matter how painful and taking personal responsibility.

Pam

22

YES!!

Today, my dad finally said the words, “I’m gonna ask you to do me a favor.” I said, “Don’t ask, Dad. I love you, but I will never trust her again. She is a lying bitch!” I told him I was hanging up, and I did. It felt good to finally say the words

23

It seems to me the child trying to heal within is so vulnerable.whilst in such a state of distress, which the process of recovery puts you in abusers hone on in repeatedly. The very process of healing renders a person vulnerable to these types of people, you have this problem in which you need human connection as do all humans, especially so when grieving, and at the same time you are open to re-victimisation. Additionally for the first time you are learning ways of recognising perpetrators and therefore how to protect yourself in ways you simply were unable to as a helpless and traumatised child.
thank you for another relevant and truthful post Darlene

24

I got interrupted earlier and wasn’t able to complete my post.

… So I was talking to my dad and he was getting ready to say what he hasn’t had the guts to say yet, he wants me to forgive my mom. He made an allusion to it in a recent “Merry Christmas” email that went out to several people. He said something like, “This year I am embarking on a journey of love and forgiveness. How about if you all join me.” As I mentioned before, that is code for “I don’t want you to be mad at your mom any more.” I didn’t answer him then, but since he was bold enough to bring it up in a one on one conversation, I just told him flatly not to ask his “favor”. He said, “Well, your breaking her heart.”

*steam releases from my ears*

I am breaking her heart?!!! She LIED, flat out lied and made me look terrible and took my one and only friend in this world with it. And, I’m breaking HER heart! Well excuse me if I don’t feel sorry for her! Besides the fact that she has not (and I’m sure will not) acknowledged that what she said was a total lie and she has never tried to take any form of responsibility for this and countless other lies throughout the years. She has never attempted to be honest about herself or others in her life. She has done one thing, and one thing only and that is use lies and half truths to manipulate anyone and everyone in her sights to bend them to her temperamental and narcissistic will at any cost! Why on EARTH would I want to make up with someone like that! Besides the fact that after all she did in our recent interaction, she blamed ME and told me she was “done” with me! Thanks. Now, can I PLEASE get on with my life?!

Hopping MAD!

25

Sad part is they are so shallow and entrenched in their lies they refuse to understand. I wrote family once and they told my daughter they don’t want any more of my crazy letters. One, that was the one and only one I planned to send them, it was my NC letter, two, it is just like them to make my daughter a messenger,too cowardly to confront the truth themselves. Thankfully my daughter gets me more then ever and knows who the mad ones are.

26

Kellie,
This kind of “making up” is not real making up anyway, even if you agreed to go along with it. Nothing would have improved. You are separating yourself from hurtful behavior which is to your benefit and to the benefit of those in your life.

27

Dear Darlene Beverly has just described my whole being everything but I am so tuned in to recodnise my abusers it’s usually a delayed action but my mind knows very quickly you see good people there are many Paul’s each time little paul endured horrific abuse another little paul emerged there areso many of us now due to so many abuses of so many description’s. Im also kind of Bipolar and O.C.D. I get massive high’s and im obsessive at keeping receipt’s and ”EVIDENCE”) IT’S JUST THOSE IN Authority and power and influence who just dont get it I know better than them as they follow each other like sheep ost in a blizzard. when im calm I can put things together make sense of it all like a detective and Barrister all in one im fighting back and it’s a wonderful feeling thank you all for such a connection that is of such amazing benefit. and it works both way’s. im not selfish in seeking help and understanding. Sharing is caring caring is sharing. so im sharing my innermost feelings with you all. Darlene you are amazing.

28

It takes awhile, sometimes years of working on ourselves before we begin to recognize the patterns of abuse. Grooming can take on different forms but they are all designed for one thing – to get you to go along with the abuse and not tell anyone. If the abuser thought you might tell, they would look for another person to abuse. Most abusers can be very charming when it suits their needs.

Darlene, this is a great article, as everyone else has also said. Thanks for writing and sharing it.

29

Darlene, thank you so much for putting this article out there… it’s words i hold inside and can’t get out… reading this article makes it easier for me to face these thoughts. thanks!

30

Hi Robin
I love that you are going to use this as a reminder of “who you really are” and “who is really has control of your life” ( YOU) That is awesome
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Jen
This all worked itself out for me. (your questions) as my grid of understanding changed, I saw solutions that I would have never considered before. Keep going forward with you own self worth recovery; I can honestly say that this has been the key for me.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Pam
I had to get that thought about “allowing people to abuse and manipulate me” out of my belief system. For me it had nothing to do with “weakness” on my part. I had been trained and taught to comply from a very early age and not just with the sexual stuff. With all manipulative stuff. I stopped taking personal responsibility for the things that others did to me, I stopped thinking that “I LET” these things happen (EVEN when I was no longer a minor) and started to take personal responsibility for my recovery. It has been a major key for me to realize that none of this was about my weakness.
Hugs, Darlene

31

Hi Beverly
Yes, these are good points. There were many times when I did get pushed around and victimized in the first 3 years of this process especially, but I kept going forward, kept looking at the truth and kept replacing the old lies with truth and I got stronger. I can honestly say that I had to look for some “different humans” to connect with for a while. Even with my husband, his resistance to the changes in me caused yet another problem and I had to decide that his decision regarding our marriage was his to make and I was going to continue to pursue my freedom and recovery from broken no matter what. (he eventually saw the value in what I was doing and embraced it for his own life and things are so much better now) There is no way to do all this perfectly. It was a real back and forth process! OH and about your last line, perps also change their tactics as soon as they realize you are catching on to the ones that used that have always worked! That is a whole other animal that we have to become aware of!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Kellie
WOW!! Yay for you! And great responses to your father! That is what I call “speaking the truth” … good for you!
Thanks for sharing it. That anger that you express here was very freeing for me later on. (sometimes it took a few weeks for me to see how good it was for me to feel it)
I am so happy for you Kellie!
Hugs, Darlene

32

Hi Mary
Some of our family has tried to go through our kids too ~ I find that so unfair to the kids, and shows just how wimpy those people are! Our kids see the truth about them too. And YES they refuse to understand because that would mean they would have to face the truth. And since they have always had things the way they liked it in the past, they have no motivation to face the truth and change. I am glad that I was motivated and inspired to change… I could have ended up like them!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Patricia
Yes, it certainly can take years. This stuff starts very young. It is our “normal” and it is very hard to come out of that false normal and see those patterns.
Great points! Thank you for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Rachel
Welcome to Emerging from Broken
I am glad that this article resonates with you.
Hugs, Darlene

33

Oh my god, this happened to me.

34

I am not sure if this is where to write a review about Darlene or her site, but I will say that if ever I wished I would have thought of or posted something to explain what I went through, SHE HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD !!!

Darlene, you and I are both teachers, apparently, and the subjects we teach could be entitled “Those People Nobody Warned You About.”

I disagree with one person on here though…Darlene isn’t the only person discussing these topics. I have been exposing narcissism and abuse in general since 2006. I want no accolades for it but I see myself as as someone that is on the same side of the “net” as Darlene. Expose the secrets, don’t keep them. Get help. Don’t stay in the abuse. That’s been my cry since I came through my own situations of it.
Best to all going through! Don’t stop…keep going…you’re almost there…FREEDOM!

35

Here is my latest video about narcissistic abuse by mother/father. This often includes the sexual abuse as well, so I thought it might fit here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeuDcJ3MuxM&feature=share

36

Powerful post Darlene, I always admire not only your courage but your ability to voice for so many of us what seems unspeakable!

37

Hi,

I’m all for exposing abusive behaviour and honest expression of emotion, but… is there a point when forgiveness is acceptable and you should look back on events with compassion?

I’ve never met an adult human that hasn’t to some degree been both an emotional abuser and also a victim of emotional abuse at different times in their life. Usually unknowingly in both cases.

Asher

38

Hi Rain
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Shanyn
Great to see you! Thanks, glad you liked it.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Laura
Thanks.
Hugs, Darlene

39

Hi Asher
Forgiveness was a result of doing this work and facing the truth. If you are suggesting that I should look back on these events with compassion ‘for the abuser’ then that is what kept me stuck in illness and depression for so long. I agree that no one is perfect, but we are talking about facing and healing from the damage that was caused. Figuring out the character or motive of the abusive person is not helpful. For many years I tried to “understand the abusers” and I got no where towards freedom or wholeness. I recovered by looking at the truth about the events instead of trying to excuse them.
I am able to have compassion today,(without excusing or changing the truth about abuse) but not at the expense of me, my mental health or my individuality.
Hugs, Darlene

40

Hi I am a also a survivor of mental and physical and sexual abuse by my father and uncle and other men at a very young age continuing thoughtout my life by “significant others” … I feel apart from the world.. I feel different if u know what i mean..I trust absolutely noone..Those i have placed some trust in hav always made me a victim of some form of abuse or deceivity..I find that i rely on me and find the people of this world to be simple minded egotistical, self-serving individuals.. who judge me because i am “different” well i like being different .. it is who and how I am..I am overprotective of children..almost obsessed with making sure they don’t become victims of abuse.. I speak to them that have been and i tell them there is life beyond the abuse.. I want to send flyers out i want to talk to the children at schools about what options they have even when they seem trapped.. there is a way out now a days.. go to the Police.. tell a teacher.. caseworker.. tell somebody.. They do not hav to stay or be the victim .. people are much more aware of sexual and physical abuse these days..I want to do the same as the fight against DRUGS…To INFORM children..I’d like victims and friends of victims to form a WELL KNOWN GROUP and help children fight by being made aware that they are not alone and steps to take to stop the abuse…and let them KNOW what abuse IS..I was too young to know, didnt have a clue how to escape thought thats the way it is and i messed my head up disassociating each time it happened.. My body sat there numb, stiff, and hurt, my mind traveled out the window or out into the dark of the night soaring high above my body as he told me not to tell anyone and that he would kill me and leave me in a ditch and nobody would even care..i lived very far in the country and he mentally had let each of us children know he would kill us and have no qualms about it..to US there was no other world out there..no other people..nothing…but the horrible dark hole we lived in..We were not allowed to speak unless spoken to ..not to breathe so to speak unless he said so..he kept a gun in the corner of the kitchen when we ate and i could smell the liquor and the spit patoon that sat by his feet..To this day I want to instantly puke when I smell one..We need to speak up .. We couldnt then..but we darned sure can NOW..We have nothing to be afraid of..its already happened.. our lives.. our “normal” childhood lives have been damaged and are simply not there..but WE ARE ALIVE and we DID live through it and we are SURVIVORS.. and WE 2gether can help stop the ABUSERS through showing , telling, speaking, informing the youth of America..Sexual abuse is a CHOICE by the ABUSERS not an unforseen thought or process..They need to Pay for their choices and Children need FREED of their Influences…Games, manipulations,etc..

41

Hi Darlene,

That was a beautiful answer to my question. I have been emotionally abused in that I was made to believe some really nasty things about myself that were not true. I also spent about seven years being very very angry. I suppose that part of my understanding now is that while the people involved deserve the blame that is theirs and there are no excuses, I also believe that no one ever has full control over their actions and that victims are victims of victims. I guess this might be particular to my situation and the point I am upto.

Hugs 🙂
Asher

42

Darlene, your notations I feel are not only about all the abusers..but also reading along I see a normality in your wording tho not all because we have not walked a mile in each others shoes but we have intangled paths as victims ,that are a commerardery to me also.. I am NOT an abuser..and NEVER will be.. what i am trying to say is I too seem to have a bonding with some of your wording and placement of them… Through your words and my association of them through my own survival; I am seeing that we are striving for Intelligence beyond the madness others have placed in our lives.. We are Survivors.. Stong, Intelligent, Loving, Understanding people that can and do lead fulfilling lives..and that we find ourselves SEEKING knowlege through words to understand and to help others understand both ourselves and themselves..As i grow older the “Freedom Of Speech”and our rights as “Sexual Abuse Survivors” has become an enlightenment to the long dark roads of the past… TY..Sue

43

**********************************************************************
SERIOUS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE TRIGGERS
**********************************************************************

Hi everyone,

I was just flicking thru the paper & was graphically reminded why I’ve generally tried to actively avoid all media for much of my life (I apologize for bringing this up but it made me so angry & nowhere else to rant about such things)

Basically, article said a young mother of 2 has been forced to share custody despite the children accusing their father of molesting them, as well as numerous psych’s testifying that their behavior indicates they’ve suffered serious sexual abuse. The mother said she wished she’d never reported to the government family services in the first place, and says that they’re just afraid to admit they’ve f**ked up bigtime and reverse their decision (paraphrased in my language, btw).

And then I thought about my experiences with government departments over the years (welfare mainly, not anything like this) and just wasn’t so surprised anymore. What an absolute f**king disgrace.

Again I apologize for bringing up such a negative topic just to try and make myself feel better. Seems impossible to imagine it changing (or how to make it change), but I guess getting angry could be seen as progress (when compared to blatantly ignoring/numbing out from it as I’ve tended to do in the past).

Hope everyone’s going well.

With love, hugs, and hope for a future where this kind of state-sponsored abuse will NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN!!!

J

44

35,
Laura,
I watched this. Very interesting! Reminds me of my parents for sure!Looking forward to the next one!
I had to laugh at the gray cat walking around behind you in the video. He looks and acts just like our cat!!

45

J,
Well, it is good that we remain “informed”, and so I think it is good that you brought it up.

46

J, I don’t think you should feel bad for being angry. When it comes to abuse and mental health issues, the system usually functions much like the monster it is supposed to destroy. Read about how foster kids are treated. It can curl your hair, turn it grey, and make it fall out. AIDS drugs were used first on foster kids. Foster kids are routinely given high-powered psycho tropic drugs. Foster kids are often abused worse in the system than they were in their home. If you read the history of mental health care, it doesn’t take long to understand that the people in charge of that system have historically been as crazy and more sedistic than most of their ‘patients’.

There are good people mixed in with a system that is very dysfunctional. It’s wise to keep your eyes open and not be overly compliant, no matter how much compliance is urged. I nearly died from copliance and a cousin of mine did die. Any healing I’ve achieved has come from within me when I stopped trusting the system and started listening to only God and me. Facing the truth about why I was depressed and anxious is what ended my struggle with depression and anxiety.

Pam

47

Hi Asher,
It is my belief also that victims are victims of victims. All abuse comes from abuse and all abusers abuse out of their victim mentality. I do not agree that “no one ever has full control over their actions”. I have written many articles in this site which explain how I finally recognized that the controller/abuser knew what they were doing and that it was wrong. If people could not control their actions, half the world would be in prison. They control their actions whenever they want to and don’t bother to when they feel “safe”. However, understanding that did not help me heal at all. The way that I healed was in facing the damage done by the abuse. I had to learn to look through a new grid of understanding.
Thank you for sharing.
hugs, Darlene

Hi Sue
Welcome ~ I love your goals! I have similar goals. (to make a significant difference in the world) I am so sorry that all this happened to you. What a horrible childhood.
Thank you for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

48

Hi J.
I am not concerned with negative topics. Most of these topics are not a day at the beach.. Recovery and facing the truth about the damage is darn hard. I also think that triggers are my friend. I like them. Triggers are my minds way of telling me that I need to take a closer look at something. My mind is trying to tell me something that will help me towards my growth. I hope the world and the system will wake up and change too.
Hugs, Darlene

49

Hi Darlene and all,

I am so sorry to hear of people’s pain and childhoods, I hope we can change the world as knowing how to heal can help us truly evolve as human beings. I myself was mentally/emotionally/sexually exploited and manipulated and I wondered whether any of you had experiences where you confronted your abusers and whether it actually helped you in doing so. I am about to confront family members although I am already hearing thru the family grapevine that they “don’t know what her problem is, we’ve done nothing wrong” and I am wondering whether I should just continue with No contact or actually explain/face them why they are being removed from my life.

I don’t know whether I am setting myself up for more pain. I would be so grateful to hear of your experiences of confronting your abusers.

I am not expecting any apologies but more denials which adds to my anger and confusion.

50

Hi Darlene,

“Triggers are my friend” is going in my list of potential song titles. I’ve had a shocking night (no obvious reason, unless delayed effect of what I wrote about earlier, but I don’t think so) and ended up resorting to alcohol.

Sleep & mood had actually felt a bit better last few days, but bottomed out bigtime tonight. Oh well. Still kicking. Maybe I need to kick a bit more — maybe at people who try to prolong the facade. Or something.

Thankyou to everyone who understands my anger. And depression. Another “dark night of the soul” survived.

51

Hi Emma
I have written about this subject lots. (check the family tab and the mother daughter tabs)
My family rejected my boundaries. I wasn’t ready to tell my mother “all of it” I was still in the fog about some things so I didn’t get the chance to tell my mother very much about what was wrong with our relationship and the only “big thing” I did tell her was that she had to stop publically blaming me for the fact that her boyfriend came in my room and molested me when I was a teenager. (she was still bringing it up!) I too was afriad that results of my telling her anything would just end up being more painful for me. BUT the truth about that set me free. Instead of causing more pain, I realized that it really was all about her and that she really did not want to hear the truth. I realized that it was not up to me to help HER understand what she had done to me and to our relationship. As the months went by after she stopped speaking to me, I realized that I did not miss the way she treated me at all. The relationship was not a “loss” to me because it was obviously one that never was in the first place. By her actions she did not love me. All I did was give up trying to make her love me. and that (along with so many other truths that I faced) led me to freedom and wholeness that I never imagined.
Only you can decide if you are ready to talk to them, OR if you never want to, Emma.
I am with you, whatever you decide!
Hugs, Darlene

52

Hi Darlene,

Thank you so much for your reply. I have set boundaries with my mother and we are no longer in contact as she has cut me out of her life.

My father is not interested in me, his wife (my stepmother) is emotionally abusive and controlling and between them they ripped me off financially. They both implied that he is not my biological father. (which I know they will deny).I am at the point now where I have told family members that I will tell him to his face what my problem is, but to be honest Darlene, I am just so tired of having these people in my life and having to explain to other family members why I am walking away. Its almost like being on trial.

Its not easy telling people that you have no parents or siblings because society seems to imply there must be something wrong with YOU.

Thank you for your kindness in replying to my comments. It has helped me so much. I will re read your other posts too.

53

Emma,
I had to speak out to my parents because I lived with them and my kids after a divorce. I was sort of backed into a corner and HAD to speak up. But i am not in that situation anymore. Looking back, it looks like my parents got everyone in their community to side with them (this is over five years) even thought I never would have believed that going into the situation, or I never would have moved back to that town.

BE glad for your freedom.

My therapist now wants me to write that “letter” to my parents, but she emphatically states every time “Don’t Ever SEND it.” For one thing, I don’t want my parents thinking that I think about them and all the many things that they did wrong. I would rather they think i am living a happy life, something i couldn’t do real well around them.

The last time my husband I saw my parents, my dad says to my husband, “You don’t listen to her, do you???” AND along with other recent statements, he has basically told me to never come back again, in so many words, that is what it means to me.

54

Darlene,

This post reminds me so much of people who I met after fleeing my abusive family. They were supposed to be the helpful, enlightened ones who offered me alternatives to the pain. It took me a LONG time to identify just how they used me, too. How their pose as enlightened and helpful served more to feed their egos than to truly help me become whole. I guess it should have been obvious, but I was so naive. The truth I couldn’t see then was how they had never faced and healed their own brokenness. I do feel sad for them to a degree, but I also feel a lot of anger at how they dared to set themselves up as the wise ones and led other younger people away from truth. There was so much of this in the aftermath of the sixties, self-styled gurus of all sorts who didn’t know squat. I’m glad I finally found the way back to my own spirit.

Hugs, Sophia

55

Emma, I confronted my family and even though it hurt me, it was important for me to do because they proved beyond a shadow of a doubt how they really feel about me. They always tried to make me feel that I was too sensitive, made too big a deal about things, that the fault was in me but when I confronted them, it became very clear that they never valued me the way parents should value their child. They have severe personality disorders and no desire to face that fact or do anything that requires their taking responsibility for their actions. I did lose the physical presence of my family in my life because of my confrontation but what I found was they were never a functioning family, anyway. It’s sad and I wish it could be different because I still love all of them but I’m not sad about not pretending. It is good to live in truth.

Whatever you decide is right for you, I wish you the very best.

Pam

56

Hi Darlene, I haven’t been on lien much lately still suffering with a lot of physical pain. But I have had emotional pain in the past and emotional pain is worse. At least now all I have is physical pain and I am going to a world acclaimed hospital Monday it took a month to get an appointment.
I just saw your news feed and I haven’t been on many blogs lately I post and sign off. But this is good and I just happened to notice that some of my real world friends signed onto your blog. I am very happy about that. I also saw that you posted something that people dont like you posting truth. There is such a resistance to truth in this world. I find that seekers of truth find each other and so do people in denial-abusers!
Right now what struck me about this particular blog is you said see who it fits. It fits one of my doctors. I was so lucky to be chosen as a patient by them mean while they damaged me (physically) I stood up to them! Also it reminded me of a an “friend” who once I cut contact they tried to use all of the same tactics to get me back in their life! No way!
I am doing a lot of self care and haven’t been on much but glad I signed on just now. Good night! Thanks for telling the truth Darlene!

57

Hi Kate and Pam,

Thank you so much for your advice, I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me and I accept that whatever happens they will deny and minimize what I say and deep down I know I am thought of as nothing to any of them.

Pam, I appreciated your words about your family having personality disorders. Its always good for me to remind myself the problem is not with me. It is with them.

Kate, thanks for sharing your therapists advice about not sending the letter, why should the family know and get some satisfaction that you are thinking about them.

Thank you both, and thank you Darlene, this blog is really helping me find strength, as opposed to feeling like the odd one out or the freak!

58

This is how my sperm donor treated me my whole life except he didn’t sexually abuse me. He ignored me most of the time. When he did pay attention to me,it was to make fun of me,bully me,put me down,criticize me. All my life he made me feel worthless,I am nothing but a mistake to him,I should never have been born.Four years ago,I was going to kill myself and my sperm donor could have cared less.He never tried to help me,he just ignored it all.I was diagnosed with depression,he didn’t try to help me deal with that.He caused me to want to kill myself and he caused my depression.When he left me and my mother,I cut him out of my life.That was 3 yrs ago and he has never once tried to call me or write me a letter so I know he has never loved me or cared about me.I don’t need him or want him in my life.I’m better off without him around.I have my mother and my brother,they are always there for me. I am better than he can ever imagine and I will be more successful than him,I will be a better father than him because he taught me what not to do. I’ll never forgive him and always hate him but sometimes I can pity him because he’s nothing at all.

59

Hi Emma
I put everyone through the same grid of my new understanding. Many people have judged me for my decisions to stand up to my parents which is not my problem, but in fact theirs. If I am triggering some fear in them, then they are going to have to deal with it. I don’t own anyone any explanations, and neither do you. If they don’t want to support you, that is up to them. We don’t have to be on trial anymore! It is very hard to go through this process, and sometimes very lonely too, but what I realized is that most of the family connections in my life were not willing to regard me with equal value, and they didn’t like that I took it for myself. Too bad for them. I am free now!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Sophia
I hear you! In some ways I realized that I had to learn to say certain things that I didn’t know how to say before. Like when people start on me about family now, (which has not happened for a very long time because I think people sense that I am not going to submit to that crap anymore) I started asking simple “why” questions. Why does that make sense to you? (no answer) Why do I need to forgive that kind of abuse when the abuser has not even admitted the transgression, and why should I be the one to pursue mending with my mother? Why it it up to me? ~ There are NEVER any answers that make sense because these people are living in a bigger fog then I came from! I have slammed a lot of “wise ones” with my truth speak and it seems to shut them up quickly.
Hugs, Darlene

60

Hi Pinky
My thoughts are with you as you go through the physical pain. Hopefully you will get healing from that. Thank you for sharing your story about the abusive Dr. and YAY for doing self care!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Shane
I am sorry that this has been your experience with your father.
Thank you for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

61

I’m starting college next week and I’m really really scared that people will reject me,laugh at me,ignore me or not see me.Or they might think I’m the biggest loser and I don’t deserve to be there.That’s what my sperm donor thought about me and that’s what it was like for me in high school.My mother said college will be different and most of the people entering college are probably scared and nervous too.She said don’t let anyone tell me I don’t deserve this oppurtunity.I’m going to major in art and I hope some of my sketches can tell how I was made to feel.I wrote some poems about depression years ago and one of my high school teachers used them in a health fair and asked me to talk about depression and how it affected me.My mother said my teacher wouldn’t have asked me to do that if she didn’t believe in me.I’m going to try so hard to do this college thing but it still scares the heck out of me.

62

Shane,
you have already accomplished so much! thank you for sharing it with us!

Save your work. That is so impressive that you were asked to speak to a group on depression after writing your own poetry.

Only pay attention to that which builds you up, and tune out the rest!

I recently listened to a recording of music i composed to express my pain and confusion at age 19. I was amazed at what clear memories and feelings that music brought back to me. I bawled a long time listening to it, not realizing I could ever experience those feelings again, only now with more understanding and perspective.

63

I tried to get my sperm donor to read my poems when he lived with us.I think he read one of them and he didn’t say anything about it.Then he said he didn’t have the time to read the others and I think he went on the computer to gamble or to look at his porn or he went out to play pool. What if everyone at college laughs at me or just doesn’t care about my work? What if nobody notices me or if they notice me and makes fun of me? That’s what really scares me.

64

You will find your niche within a broader community

65

Shane,
You will also find others to whom you naturally relate. Trust your intuition and build your energy around those that work well with you and around activities that enhance who you are. The variety that awaits you is extensive and with time, you will gravitate in the right directions for yourself.

66

Kate – sorry if it came across like i was esteeming Darlene as above or better than us. That was not my intention at all. I have just found very few people who will share the absolute truth in recovery. Maybe its because of the type of therapists i have been to, i dont know. Darlene says the things that i always wanted to say to my parents but never had the courage to say because they would have killed me (not kidding here). I saw my mother beat my sister almost unconscious with the handle of a butcher knife when i was about 7 years old. After that i knew i had to be perfect otherwise i would get the crap beaten out of me or maybe even killed. My mother actually threatened to kill me a couple of years later yelling “if you turn out like your sister i’ll bloody kill you.” I can still hear those words like it was yesterday even tho it was almost 40 years ago.

I know we all have equal value. Darlene just speaks the truth loud and clear and for me is a refreshing voice of reason and confirms things that i need to hear because she and i had very similar childhood experiences and i have not had really anyone else in my life that has gone through what i have gone through and shared their experiences in such a way that it validates me and validates that i deserved much better.

Kate – if you are going to respond to my posts can you please do it in a way that doesnt make me feel like i did something wrong because thats how your comment came across to me ? I had enough of that as a child and certainly dont need it here !!

67

Dave (and Kate)
Dave, you don’t have to be sorry. There was nothing wrong with the way that your comment came across. There is a difference between equal value and equally valuable messages. All people do have equal value but I took your comment to be thanking me for a “better or more valuable message” than other messages that you have heard before and that is perfectly fine. The value of my message is not equal to the value of all messages. My human value is equal to all others value. There is a difference. I asked Kate to explain her comment to you, and she chose not to.
Thank you Dave,
Hugs, Darlene

68

Dave,

I am sorry that my comment to you was unclear and hurtful. Thank you for sharing more of your history.

I agree that Darlene puts into words many things that we share in common and when we find them expressed we experience newness in our lives.

So far, I have not explained more about my comment, since my comment was to Dave, and Dave had not asked, until now, for me to respond in a way that gives him more understanding.

In the future, Dave, I will try to explain more of what I mean in an empowering way to all of us. Thanks for clarifying what is helpful to you, Dave.

It would be good for all of us to be able to express what we need in our interaction with others.

Darlene, I believe that “we” (here on the blog–with a common purpose) all have equal value and that includes our messages as being equally valuable. However, we don’t all happen to need or utilize each message from each person all at one time. That is why it is important that multiple people share their stories, to multiply the effects of the truths being shared. I was trying to say that we can all take part in enriching and empowering each others’ lives. Like a cafeteria, take what you need.

69

Darlene,
Your comment to j #48, has given me a whole new perspective in ‘triggers’
As painful as they are, they can be utilized?? Wow! A new thought for me, definetely going to think about this one..
Xo

70

Wow, I swear you took many of my thoughts and made sense out of them.I am just ending a “relationship” that was just another form of abuse.Never ending games.I don’t need or want it,ever again.That is the last toxic thing to go and for the first time ever ,my inner child is being cared for,respected,valued,listend to by adult me.I am no better than an abuser if I allow myself to be played/used in someone elses dysfunctional games.Thank you.I really needed this today!

71

Hi Marilyn
Welcome to EFB, so glad you are here. Yay for you talking care of YOU now.
Hugs, Darlene

72

Kate
You wrote: “So far, I have not explained more about my comment, since my comment was to Dave, and Dave had not asked, until now, for me to respond in a way that gives him more understanding.”

I find this really disrespectful to me. This is my blog and I am very careful about keeping everyone feeling safe. I found your comment to Dave (“take it easy, Dave; we all have equal value” )
a little bit of a put down both to Dave and to myself, but just in case I misunderstood you, I asked you to clarify it. You admit that you ignored me because you were not talking to me. This reminds me of the exact types of things I write about in this website. If you came into my house and you were making little rude statements, that seemed to be hinting at putting people down, and I asked you to explain yourself and you replied that you were “not speaking to me” I would ask you to leave.

I don’t let that stuff “slide” anymore. This blog is “my house” and the readers and commenters are “my guests”.
Darlene

73

Hello Darlene. Thank you for alway’s making me feel safe. a safe trigger for possitive healing. re 48. wow im thinking of my bad triggers and what they were telling me.

One possitive thought can make a big difference.

Thanks all.

74

Paul.
Thanks for sharing this… I have had a positive response to that comment I wrote about triggers being my friend and I am going to write a blog post about this subject.
Hugs, Darlene

75

Hello Darlene this would be so special. I dare not mention my bad triggers which are very shocking. be wonderful to see the possitive side of triggers. actually I just had one reading the post’s my mind is triggered in to possitivity. just as meeting new person on facebook giving me new hope for an important issue. Possitive collective action. again I respond to an article in a newspaper others responded to me one said a magic few words. (You have been seen to have been telling the truth). this just before new year’s eve what a wonderful feeling it gave me. Is this not a trigger ? I started promoting the articles content. today I got a phone call in response a very possitive one. now they are looking in to it and possitive things will come of it. Possitive actions due to responding to possitivity by others are these not triggers. ? I wonder.

Thank’s yet again.

76

Darlene,

Just wanted to voice my thanks in keeping your blog “homey.” Appreciate it very much. Also, I really was inspired by your comment about triggers being positives. That really clicked with me too and I look forward to reading your post on that subject.

77

Darlene.. thanks for standing up and protecting Dave.. that comment made my insides turn…..you are such a great example of strong boundaries with clear respect and love for self free of manipulative confusion.. thanks so much.

78

Hi Deborah
Thank you! I appreciate your comment on this!
hugs, Darlene

79

Thank you both Deborah and Darlene A possitive trigger to a safe and meaningful way to communicate with everyone here.

Thank’s.

80

[…] that it takes two to have a relationship and I was finally able to communicate that to him. I was no longer willing to carry the burden of relationship all by myself. We repaired the damage that had been done to us […]

81

I’m a mess but better now that I found this site. I’ve reverted back to suicidal thoughts because I cannot cope with the pain right now. So many things are triggering me. That’s what I failed to recognize. OMG I cannot believe I forgot to stand up. I cannot believe I fell back into thinking I am to blame and that merely asking people to not talk certain ways or behave abusively helps a lot. I’m often amazed how many times people will actually change. It’s me.. my behavior is often like an abuser magnet. Only when I put my foot down does things change and it does not always take much. I’m not speaking of family… oh no… that’s different since they think they own us. I’m just writing about the manager at the utilities office. She’s a real piece of work, now. But my Mom. Inwardly I jsut want to fix it. It’s not right. Lately, I’ve been having far too many anger issues and it’s coming out on the kids but not severely. I cannot control it. I’m looking to some therapy but I know it won’t do much good. The last therapist I saw I thought was great until I got a hand-written letter canceling the appointments and any further appointments for no explained reason. About a year later I heard one of the therapists was embezzling money. Yep. Oh well. Truly, it has been a long time since I’ve connected with other voices louder that the old abusers voices in my head. We really need each other. I’ve been through so much someone wrote a book about it and now I’m dealing with this crud with my mother. I broke it off years ago by allowing my anger to come out and I always slip back into “guilt” mode even though I know I’m not at fault. I guess it has been all the connections recently in a local manner from several different directions. Heck, this town I am living in seems entirely dysfunctional on the same level and it’s starting to wear on me. I tried to escape with my family to NC last year but it was worse there. We keep trying to leave.

82

Hi Bonnie,
Welcome to Emerging from Broken
It isn’t that we forget to stand up as much as we have been trained from birth NOT to stand up. All of the things you are talking about can be overcome by really seeing how that grooming process took over and looking at the roots of the dysfunction and what it has caused us to believe lies about our worth. I was not able to draw boundaries that stuck until I did some of the work to restore my beliefe in my own value. Then everything began to change.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

83

[…] down to me, devalue and disrespect me or completely dismiss me as a person ~ those are actions that I don’t have to accept.  We should NOT be encouraged to accept unacceptable […]

84

Darlene, I read this article to my husband the other day (who is not my abuser). He was astonished. He asked me if I had written it! That’s how perfectly it describes my feelings and recent experience with a perpetrator. This is powerful. I would love to learn of any specific experience this may have been drawn from, particularly since you speak of the deception of being valued for your brain, by a professional. I can so relate to that. It describes how I feel as a result of a horrific experience I have just had, which has turned my life upside down and shaken me to the core. This experience has triggered all the childhood issues of abuse that I have never properly dealt with before. While I have been bedridden with depression the last four months, I happened upon this site, EFB. Your words have become my lifeline.

85

Hi Rhonda
Welcome to Emerging from Broken;
Originally I was writing this to a therapist who had helped me to heal and then took advantage of the gift that I have for communicating the depths of fog and how I got out of that fog. He wasn’t too interested in sharing the spotlight with me but rather in keeping me in the shadows while I promoted him. It is kind of a long story but as I said in the article, as I was writing it I realized that it applied to a priest who I confided in and then he made a pass at me, and a boss that I thought was trying to help me advance, but there were strings attached there too and I realized that what I was writing applied to all perpetrators. But originally I was writing to a therapist who tried to take advantage of my “gift” without actually giving me credit for it. This site “emerging from broken” was born out of that failed biz relationship and I learned to empower myself.
Hugs, Darlene

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Hi Darlene, thanks for sharing this. I would be very interested in learning how you were able to experience the depth of recovery you have in a relatively short time. You have previously mentioned the help of a “very good therapist” – how long did you work with the effective one, and are you still in therapy?

P.S. for the purpose of maintaining anonymity, can you share how to substitute my photo as it appears for the generic image others are using? Thanks!

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Hi Rhonda
The photo is a gravitar that is associated with something else that you did with that email address. If you change the email address you use for this site, the picture will not come up.

The therapist that I am refering to who ended up to be another person who didn’t actually have MY best interests at heart IS the same one who was so effective. ( and when I started this website I was still a little in the fog about the whole thing, so it has been complicated! He really helped me a lot and then he did a lot of damage so I have to see the good, and then the bad as two different things) I have completely healed and have not needed therapy for many years now. I went back to school and got my certification in life coaching and then took a specialty training for just under a year in “new life story building” and and now I help others do what I have done. If you are interested in working one on one with me please send me an email throught the contact form.
There are also over 350 articles in this site about healing and exactly how I recovered.
Hugs, Darlene

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This post really moved me. It’s reviving so many raw feelings I’m speachless.

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Just totally awesome and empowering! Just WOW lol is what I felt when I read this as I just broke off a relationship where this is exactly what was happening. This is exactly how I felt – the grooming! But what is even more wonderful is the growth and changes that I have gone through over the years that I didn’t fall back into this trap.

But you were wrong about me. You ARE wrong about me. I don’t need YOU to make me better. I am better than you know. I am stronger than you ever dreamed. I don’t need you to make me anything. I am better without you. Watch me fly and wave good bye from my position of freedom high above the clouds.

These words are exactly what I just did. I am stronger than you realized and it was such freedom to say Good bye!

Reading this article helped me with understanding the red flags that I missed in the beginning – but that I felt and questioned and it didn’t take me long to see the “grooming” and that the kindness wasn’t about me – it was about what he was wanting. I could feel that. It is sad to me because the validation and feeling heard and understood meant so much to me and it was something I really needed and hadn’t had before. It felt good at first but I felt where it wasn’t really about me. It didn’t feel real and that was my warning signal.

What was really good though is the validation I needed and the thingsI felt heard about – I feel my own validation and heard by me – so even though he wasn’t real – I am!

Thank you so much for this article!!!

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Hi Lisa!!
Welcome to EFB
Excellent comments! Yes, it is about validiting ourselves after having been invalidated for SO long. A big part of the grooming process has to do with being brainwashed that ONLY the abusive people themselves can valitdate us! But that is such a lie. We can hear ourselves, we can validate our own pain and the mistreatment that we have endured. We can heal!
Hugs, Darlene

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I am done with mindlessness clobbering me. I’ve been put down for the count (health wise) one too many times. I can’t afford to let people mess with me anymore.
It was my need to trust and desire to see the good and hopes that truth would win out that kept me trapped as long as it did. I thought in the end love would conquer all, that they would see me, really see me someday and have remorse.I wanted to be loved and to love back. I was almost dead wrong. I tried with impossible people for far too long and it almost killed me. I knew when I was near death and they were never more phony or especially more cruel what they were all made of. It was if I was in a pit and they were above taunting. Did they know what they were doing, were they trying to kill me? When I was left off the will they didn’t even pretend they liked me. Mom was gone now, no need to pretend the masks were off. They were mean as snakes in front of my grown children. When I saw my son shake with rage when we were alone that was my bottom line. I can’t let these jokers affect me for my family’s sake. We need to focus on us and repair the damage. Cruelest of all was their Grandma making empty promises, they adored her. She lied about what they were going to be left. They can’t get their head around why she lied to them. They remained close to her when I went nc. I didn’t interfere, they were adults, they loved her. They shared good times and memories how she doted over them when they were young. They are left confused and hurt, she hated me that much that she had to leave the family splintered and floundering. Her final cruel revenge.
My siblings had to be that cold if they wanted to hold on to every thing they were left. They couldn’t afford to let their conscience in, it would’ve meant do the right thing. Including me as one of them. Instead they threw me crumbs and then made it look like I was lucky to get that. When I didn’t respond as they wanted, a grovelling little fool, they got vindictive. They enlist anyone who seems to listen and are very convincing. I’m not there to defend and if people are convinced and have no open mind to me, they aren’t healthy to try and relate to either.
I am done defending something I never should have had to defend on my own, people who knew, family who knew, siblings who always knew should have stepped up and defended me when the truth was revealed when I was 6 yrs. old. But they defend their evil too strong to come down off it.
I don’t have time to waste on them anymore. All I can do is make my kids understand somehow the Grandma that loved them and they were her all on the one side but she was also a sick woman. My siblings knowing she wasn’t shooting from a full deck in her final days took advantage, stick together and are a force. A screwed up, messed up force, but a strong one to be sure. They learned from the best how to cover their deceptions though to normal people their evil is as clear as glass. The only ones they are really fooling are themselves.
I am not a survivor I am a winner. If I can survive what I have I and get free of their strongholds, I can do anything! It’s all in what I put my mind to. I gave all I had to make peace and gain respect, right attitude, wrong family. It is time to totally refocus and put my energy where it belongs and not waste it on evil people and direct it at my husband, children and grandchildren who deserve all of me.

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Hi Mary
I totally understand what you are sharing. I have often thought about how these people, even in death, still cause so much distruction and pain. I am glad that you are a winner! I am one now too.
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

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What is interesting about what you say about self esteem. I had some financial issues 3 years ago which resulted in my selling my property to a cousin and becoming her tenant. The result of this transaction was not that she was helpful to me, but rather the opposite, she began to erode at my self esteem calling me a failure, liar, worthless and telling me everyone would be better off if I were dead. She continued to state that I took an intelligent, sensitive individual and systematically tore him down and ruined him (meaning my husband)
The result: I believed everything she said about me, failed suicide attempt that I told no one about. Even felt like a bigger failure because I could not even succeed at that. I began staying later and later at work as that was where I felt whole, respected and worthwhile. I did not wish to be at home. My very existence was threatened at home as I was threatened with legal eviction for nonsense reasons. This cousin made sure no one in my extended family spoke to me and told me I no longer had family. After three years of going through emotional hell, I am finally beginning to feel good about myself again, that I am a worthwhile person. However, this rebuilding is a process. My self esteem is fragile at this point, I am now beginning to see that I am a worthwhile person and that it is her problem. That she is the one who has the low self esteem, that she is the one who needs to feel powerful, who needs to bully someone in order to feel good about herself.

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Hi Nancy
Welcome to EFB
Wow, sounds like you have been through hell with that whole thing and I agree, that was about her not about you. I think you are going to like this site! I talk about how I overcame all that self esteem stuff by finding the roots of it and changing the false beliefs that I had about me.
Hugs, Darlene

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The meddlers, they show you one face but the real face is quite a different story. They play up to you, you can trust me, I will help you only to pierce you right in the heart. They have made it hard to trust another soul though you long to. Whatever happened to humanity or has it always been this insane? I trusted a cousin whose betrayal set me back for a very long time. I did not think she was like that, she promised she had my back. It was a lie to get me in enemy territory then devastate me. I was numb and in shock for months and my immune disorder went haywire. So not fair! I have learned never ever give anyone that power, in my case to never trust family or go near them. They have wasted enough of my emotions just to try and get along, parents on down. My parents and perpetrator are passed now, I am at peace with them, I don’t speak ill of the dead because it won’t change anything. I try and focus what is now. That is where I want to put my energy. My siblings may look me up when we’re elderly and my response will be “Are you kidding?” lol I don’t hate them, I did, but now I see them as very sorry people who don’t want to be fixed. You would think the way they’ve lived they’d say this isn’t working,but no, they learned well from our parents how to layer lie upon lie covering things up and lying out of their teeth about me and what really happened, why I am no longer around. Move far away if you can and start over. Leave all the hs behind. It is a lot quieter sorting things out without their drama and noise in the background and guilt recruits showing up at your door.

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This is so powerful. I have chills, goosebumps all over me. Thank you for these words.

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Thank you, Darlene, for taking your journey & using it to help others. You are a blessing. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us, also.

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“I am not interested in the kind of “love” you have in mind.”

Oh boy, yeah. Sometimes, although I have come so far, I get pulled back in. Love is not someone who has my best interest “at heart” and is only trying to help me. Love is not someone who wants to drink from me in order to feel good about themselves for “all they do for me.”

Love is not the family member who struts like a peacock in front of everyone else in the family from whence I am always the scapegoat, because *gasp* they gave me a compliment, (wasn’t that so good of them?). The meager scraps they throw always come with such displays of proud righteousness, my skin literally crawls.

It is the new tactic, designed to keep me around since I have distanced myself. But I am learning faster now, I recognize the falseness easily. There is nothing new about my place on the ladder. If I dare climb up a step or two those “loving” members of my immediate family from childhood will crack the whip without hesitation to remind me of my place.

And how dare I call them out after they actually announced in front of their audience of extended flying monkeys that I am actually good at something, (however minute and insignificant and rather inaccurate if I do not say so myself)? How dare I fault them for pointing out what they see as my badness, my deficiencies after they have tried so hard?

Their intent is only to help me. I must just not want a good relationship with my family. I am invested in being angry. They do not want to walk on eggshells around me. My fault, it is always my fault.They are trying so hard, but I am impossible and never see the goodness in them.

But now when they do this crap, I stay on course. I don’t buy into their phony compliments or their digs, those deep, biting digs. I know what they say is about them, not me. I cut the rope they were using to pull me back in and distance myself further. I function more independently.

I am not bad for wishful thinking, for dipping my toes back into the poisoned well. Who doesn’t want a family? I have given them every benefit of the doubt. I would jump at the chance to have a loving family, in a heartbeat, and forgive every horrid, inconceivable, astonishing error they ever made at my expense.

I watch my mother blink, blink, blink when I tell her to her face, “That is not love,” and I turn and walk away. It’s not easy. I am learning to love myself. She is not my mirror and her inability to love me no longer means I am not worthy of love. My family of origin no longer defines my worth.

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Hi Kaycee,

This process is so hard. I wanted the same things as you did too. I think at one point or another we all did to some degree anyway but what you wrote is the truth. Nothing has changed on their end. They still operate out of their same old sick warped belief systems and they would be more then happy for us to go back to them again! You caught them in the act of trying to manipulate you. So glad you had to the tools to be able to see right though them now. This year my mother pulled something on me that showed me her true colors and while it was painful for me to go through this I am thankful for it now. What I saw is a mother who would do anything to have complete control back over her daughter who didn’t care about me and how I felt one bit and then when I looked back further I saw that this behavior wasn’t anything new. It has been this way all along but I never saw this aspect because I always caved into doing what she wanted me to do and this time I didn’t sending her the message that she no longer has that kind of power to control me anymore that sent her off in a tail spin lashing out at me in the end which crushed the last little bit of hope that I had left inside of me that told me that she and I one day would be able to reconcile right to smithereens!!

Now I am done with this whole thing. I tried to help. I am no longer looking to reconcile with any one of my FOO members. I know how painful it is especially when we aren’t the ones who want it this way but their actions make it impossible for us to do anything else but love them from a far if that is what I would even call how I feel about them anymore.

I am sorry for your pain but I wanted you to know that it does get better over time. I toiled over where to put my mother in my life for the last 3 years and now I am finally at peace with my decision. It took her pulling this last thing on me for me to finally see that she has no intentions of ever doing anything that needs to be done in order for us to be able to reconcile and that’s just how it is out of no fault of my own and now I accept this truth and now I am free from the burden of trying to find a place to fit someone in my life who does nothing but abuse me because after all the only thing that has changed between her and I is me and how I handle her which will never fit into her sick warped way of thinking and I know that there is no turning back for me. I know too much now. I got a taste of freedom. I escaped is what I did. I gave her a chance to escape too but she didn’t want to take it and that is on her.

Peace to you on your journey.

Kris

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Wow Kris your whole post is exactly where I “am” right now. You put into words what is in my heart. This year my mother also showed me that she no longer wants to try to reconcile…in fact she didn’t even bother responding to some suggestions I made. Kaycee your post resonated as well, and I can say that, like Kris, I am feeling better as time goes by. I don’t blame myself so much and see my FOO members more clearly now. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried in bed for hours or days after a family get-together and that used to happen pretty regularly.

I’ve been thinking about how much therapy I’ve had to “deal with” family issues. Lots of tx, lots of tears, lots of self-help books — but I didn’t get better because I still engaged with my family!!! Once I reduced that — as awful as it is, and as much as I wanted a family — I started to truly feel better.

I feel “done” and the little bit of a taste of emotional freedom has given me momentum. I need to fly free!! and not be encumbered by feeling angry, guilty, put down, ignored, traumatized, etc. I no longer am willing to try to get anyone to change, pushing people to give me attention, care and love.

One concern I have now is how I will open my heart to others. I can’t tell if I’m really detached from my FOO, or have shut down my heart and kind of steeled myself from feeling anything and have gone numb. Yes I feel things day-to-day, but not as strongly. Maybe this means I’m creating a world around me that is healthier, because there’s less trauma. I want to be free to love and love in many ways: love myself, pets, friends, children, partner, hobbies, activities, nature, spirit.

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Hi Deborah
Thank you and welcome to EFB!
Hugs, Darlene

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Just found this site. Adopted as an infant, I was always told I was not what she wanted or had hoped for, and my mother, possibly bipolar, was horrifically toxic and cruel. One of the things I struggle with is that my mother @ 85 after several strokes has lost all her pith…she seems small, and fragile, and I find myself wondering if I somehow imagined all her venom & abuse. I know my value and worth now, and have managed to break any cycle; I no longer “befriend” toxic, narcissistic people, getting swept into their vortexes, I did over 2 years of weekly therapy, learning I had been trained at as a toddler to “adapt” (expecting nothing, taking blame, trying harder and giving more, practically turning myself inside out trying to be loved), and have broken those patterns for the most part, and thankfully she wasn’t any more interested in being a grandmother than she was being a mother. I have been a wonderful mother to my four grown children, and have wonderful relationships with them. I fear what I will experience when it is truly OVER…I feel this tug to TRY…even though I left home from 13-16, again @18, went years without communication and she seemed fine, didn’t reach out ever, moved on without me…this weird guilt, like I should not give up, which is ridiculous. She has always used faith as her battering ram – “you need Jesus, he will fix you.” Not only SHE didn’t think I was good enough, but GOD didn’t think so, either. I don’t need fixing. God made me the way I am: Strong, outspoken, passionate, creative, loving & demonstrative. She wanted demure & shy, obedient, deferring to everyone. But she did all her damage to me in secret while she posed as the perfect wife and mother, Christian & Godly Proverbs woman. Everyone thought I must’ve been a real bad seed not to be able to get along with her.
But she was killing my soul every second I spent with her. If not the verbal & physical assaults, the lengthy cold, detached silent treatment, or telling me I was so sweet sometimes, and she wished she could love me, but she just couldn’t, I was too awful to love. So…she may live another decade just to spite me, but I feel very torn. She acts bewildered, and so grateful if she hears from me, but it never takes long before she, or my enabling father, say or do something and break my heart again. Sometimes I will myself to call them on Christmas or their birthdays or anniversary, and they act like they’re being called by a telemarketer. I shall keep reading here!

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Hi Lisa
Welcome to Emerging from Broken! Thanks for sharing some of your story here, you have found the right website for sure! What a nightmare you have been through. It’s horrible the kinds of things parents will say (Saying she wishes she could love you but she just couldn’t) in order to put the blame on the child. If she couldn’t love you, that was about her!
Glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

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Hi Light,

You wrote:

…”but I didn’t get better because I still engaged with my family!!! Once I reduced that — as awful as it is, and as much as I wanted a family — I started to truly feel better.”

Sooooo true!!! Worked the same way for me too and I think because we no longer have all of that chaos in our life it takes some getting used to how that feels and it can come across as feeling “ flat” to us but I can say that that feeling didn’t last long for me. Once I surrounded my self with people who respected me I saw how much more at ease my life became and I wouldn’t trade that feeling in for nothing anymore!!

I cherish the peace and joy that I have in my life. It is my new norm and now when someone tries to bring chaos into my life my natural gut instinct is to get them out!!! I like being able to enjoy nature like you wrote about and my pets and my friends. My life is so different now that I no longer have to deal with the chaos that my FOO kept bringing to the table and that’s just how it is when you are dealing with trying to end the sick cycle of generational abuse.

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New blog post today and an upcoming event announcement there too!
Blog post is “Do You Still Wonder if the Problem was You?”
Hugs, Darlene

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Such a good read! For I now know what’s right and what’s wrong about me and the people who supposedly love me that I am now slowly cutting out of my life 😀 Maternal grandma and Dad, this is yet another “award” for your well established tandem of evil 😀
To dear old grandma, I was nothing more than her “personal assistant” Sample: “Carlos can you post this picture on Facebook for me?” “Can you do this can you do that?” But when I try to talk about serious stuff like my future goals and ambitions, it becomes a one million year lecture about broadening my horizons and telling me how useless my dreams are (I am sorry but I think useless is a word far more suited to the one who dished it out in the first place and upon my awakening, I realised that it’s not me but you!).

Daddy dear. He always tried too hard to do everything for me like fixing my shower door, bed frame etc, to the point that when I wanted to take the initiative, he just would not let me do it. Why? To take the credit of course. To make me feel as if I won’t survive if ever I come across these situations, once I move out. The nerve for this guy to call me irresponsible as well as give me lectures about how I should be able to stand on my own feet, when he is the one who wanted to keep me locked up so he could continue getting “Thank you Dad you’re the best” like praises (Yes I am also at fault, but had I not woken up I wouldn’t know that there are resources and other people out there who are willing to teach me and let me make my own mistakes before fully allowing my wings to spread. Not you me old man. Never were, never will, not ever).

This is also veered towards certain family members and friends who feel the need to invalidate my anger and disappointment through the usage of religious paraphernalia. Um since when did God condone being hit on the face for not being able to open packaging? Since when did he allow incriminating a child of intentionally breaking glasses in an apartel after said child “accidentally” spilt a glass of coke, whilst helping out to set up a family lunch? So I am not only expected to do all the adjusting, changing and understanding but I am also expected to accept that the things that happened to me were supposedly good intentions in disguise in the laws of God? If they wanted to do good, there are other ways to do it (Oh oops I am preventing them from being themselves, so I guess that makes me abusive to, sorry my bad). Haha you guys have seriously mixed up good with bad, that if you were to have been abused in any form, you would probably just brush it off with “Everything happens for a reason” or “God is only testing me”

Pathetic! But then again each to their own. All I know is I am never giving back as much love to “those two” only to receive nothing ever again. They did say learn to love yourself right? The love I gave but was not returned, will now only be an exclusive property to me and to those people of whom I feel are worth keeping in my life. The most I can give to the mother-in-law and son-in-law tandem from hell, is Hi, hello a little chitchat here and there and just letting them continue on fooling themselves. That’s life in a nutshell for me at the moment.

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