My Mother Finally wanted to BE My Mother


Dysfunctional mothers love


When my second child was born, my mother said that she wanted to “be there for me”. She said that she wanted to really do something FOR ME and she offered to make the seven hour drive over the mountains to our home to help me in the final days before labor, and help me to take care of my 21 month old son.

I was thrilled. Finally my mother wanted to BE MY MOTHER! I felt closer to her in those phone calls planning her visit then I had ever felt before that time.

My excitment was short lived.

I started to have some complication with my hips. My legs were giving out from under me and I needed more bed rest. I was confident that my mother would agree to come a bit earlier then we had planned and I called her up with the news and my request.  She hesitated. Her familiar voice, the one that I had come to hate as it was laced with disappointment, responded with “well….. how much earlier?”  She asked me “what if you go into labor later then your due date?” It became clear to me that she didn’t really want to help me with what I needed help with; she wanted to help me with the NEW baby. She wanted to help me with what SHE had in mind to help with. She didn’t care if I was having a problem with my health.  I was devastated to realize that even having my babies, was all about her.

In the end, she came on the exact date that she originally planned to come.

When the baby was born, I developed an infection in my blood. My Dr. wanted to keep me in the hospital, but I couldn’t sleep there and after the first night, I begged her to let me come home. She asked me if I was sure that my mother would do everything that needed to be done and that all I would do was nurse the baby. I was (even though history proved otherwise) confident that my mother would keep her promise to “be there for me” and the Dr. let me go home.

From the minute I walked in the door at home, I had that sinking feeling that I was going to be disappointed. First of all, (we have a farm) my mother kept going on and on about how her husband had killed all the flies in the house before we got there and how they had done some cleaning.  Although I said thank you, I got the feeling that I wasn’t acting “grateful” enough but I was exhausted from the trip home and couldn’t think about jumping through their hoops.  (My ingratitude was brought up to me for years to come)

We were at the beginning of haying, (and half of our income depended on getting the hay crop in) and my mother in law came over and asked if my mother would mind making the evening meal for the hay crew. Just a double meatloaf and baked potatoes would do it. My mother stared blankly at me. There was an awkward silence. Finally I decided that I could do it myself. I have no idea why no one thought about getting take out from the local restaurant just this once… but no one including me, did. I made the meal. My mother was happy to hold the baby. No one was worried about me doing the meal, no one offered to help.

That night my mother’s sister phoned and she was about an hour and a half away visiting my cousin and wondered if she could come over and see the new baby. I told my mother that the Dr. said I was not to have visitors and that I needed complete bed rest. My mother assured me that her sister would only stay for a couple of hours in the morning and she would take care of them.

Guess what happened? They didn’t leave and it was way past lunch time when my husband finally came home and made them all lunch.  I was exhausted and since I could not sit on a kitchen chair, I took my lunch to the living room and ate by myself. My mother seriously reprimanded me. She said that I had company in the kitchen and what did I think I was doing?? I told her that it was HER company. I was absolutely shocked. I wasn’t supposed to HAVE company. Apparently my mother didn’t think that my Dr. should have more authority then she had. And come to think of it now, she is so self centered that she may have thought that I was lying, trying to ‘get a break’ by saying that the Dr. said I had to have complete rest and that I was USING her to get one.  That is how my mother thinks.

After my Aunt and her husband left, my mother took the opportunity to tell me all the things I had done in my life that caused her to have such grief and disappointment in me.  She just went up one side of me and down the other. She told me in no uncertain terms what a failure I was as a daughter. I sat there, exhausted with my 3 day old daughter in my arms, and I took it. I just sat there shocked, stunned and disappointed while she went on and on about how much trouble I have caused her. I felt like I was sinking into a black bog of pond water.. sinking sinking into the black murky depths, powerless to do anything about it.

She said that she wanted to be there for me, but in reality it was all about her and she was burdening me with more than I could take.  She didn’t help me at all with any of the normal household duties. She yelled at me and berated me and did the complete opposite of “being there for me” and acted the absolute opposite of love.

The next morning, I asked her to leave. I wasn’t actually standing up to her yet; I needed to rest and she was way more work then I would have had without her there. I was too sick to deal with her and I was more hurt then I can even communicate. I felt like I had just been swallowed whole by a tornado and that I was still lost in it, going round and round and not being able to SEE my way through it. I felt SO confused by her actions.  Even though it wasn’t the first time at all, I was still shocked that she would DO that when I just had a baby and just once I needed her.  I wanted so badly to believe that she would really “be there” for me this time.

Once again I was reminded that I was not important but that my mother was. Even with a new born baby and under doctor’s orders, I still came last. I avoided thinking about that reality just yet though.

That event ended up to be somewhat of a new beginning. It was then that I began to face that something was really wrong with the way that my mother treated me. I didn’t quite realize that something was wrong with her, but I knew something was “wrong.” It took about 14 more years before I drew the necessary boundaries but something significant happened that day. I think a little hole got chopped in the lifetime of fog that I had lived in.

Remembering dysfunctional moments and situations like this one has helped me to see the dysfunctional mother daughter relationship that I had with my mother through clear eyes and through the grid of truth. These truth based recollections have helped me to realize that I was not the one that was wrong, that it was not ME that had unreasonable expectations, and that I truly was not valued or regarded with human kindness or respect. Even sick and with a new born baby, I still did not qualify. She still came first. She still got to decide the way things would be. And suddenly, in my mid thirties, I realized that something was “wrong” with this picture.

Exposing the Truth that set me Free;

Darlene Ouimet

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Categories : Mother Daughter



I can’t even imagine what it would be like having your mother go up one side of you and down the other during what is an extremely emotional time. After giving birth and with all the hormonal changes involved as well as the typical fatigue compounded by your blood infection…wow, this was one hard situation to bear. Thanks for sharing.



This was so bad how your mom did and it kind of reminds me of what my mom did on my return from portugal .she said come home and you can stay with me.. We miss you etc etc. I went and soon found out what staying with her met .. she had this list. I had to pay $900 a month to sleep in the cold basement .To do that I had to work two jobs..One that started at 3:00 am and ended at noon and the second started at 5:00 pm and ended at 8pm. I had to do wash floors.. wash dishes at her home and of course attend the services.. I developed pneaumonia while doing that schedule..could be becauss my first job was a prep cook and spent much time in and out of deep freeze cutting meets for and getting vegies ..was a family restaurant.

The second job was in factory putting together motors for referigerators and that was exposing me to bad fumes.

Anyway wasnt bad enough I developed pneaumonia. .I also started coughing up blood.. Because of that I went to the doctor. .I could hardly breathe in air ( i also have copd /emph) and the doctor told me I could not continue on such a schedule..

My leaving portugal was due to lung problems too.. so I told my loving mom .. I had to quit a job. I needed to pay less rent..

Well she told me get my … out of the house.. I was sick had only 150 dollars and an old beat up car. .i put my clothes little i had into a car and looked for the cheapest lodgin can find..

Needless to say i was very sick .

My mom didnt want me to live there. she never said she loved me during that time. she never gave me soup or felt sorry i was ill and very ill coughing blood and pneuonia. she told me if i can’t pay the rent get out.

I felt again my worthlessness and how foolish i was to think she would ever love me. I was easy labor and easy money and my health didnt permit me to keep doing that so i had to go.

I never ever returned back .. to live there.. I couldnt provide the money she wanted .so i was no good. I was sick for some time. after. I lost both jobs at that time due to fact place i found cheap enough was a very bad place to stay.. a rooming house in another city. I had to find another job ..

That was probably in 1995 that that happened. She has never let me forget how I abandoned her in her needs ..quitting that second job..

I feeel to this day so deeply the pain knowing that when i was deathly ill ..really really ill .. she threw me out of the house with only the hundred i had remaining after having paid that months rent. 🙁

I know how it is to finally hope i was going to be loved and to come face to face that it wasnt me she wanted but my money 🙁

and that is all my family ever has asked me for . pay bills buy this. ..now am not able so am nothing



Thank you for this post! I told you a bit about what happened after my daughter was born and my family was arguing in the hallway, but we also had the confusion of them wanting to help but not helping in any of the ways we asked them to. Also, I asked my mother to stay for my first week solo when my husband went back to work. They all left the day before. I wanted to feel grateful because they did give us presents and bring us takeout but I felt my fantasy of bonding while folding laundry together dissolve.

My mother in law ended up coming that week instead … and her first question was, “what do you need?” She cleaned, did laundry and filled our freezer with homemade meals. She helped me go grocery shopping with the baby for the first time (I was so tired I was afraid I’d crash the car in the parking lot!) I will never forget how she was there for me. When she left I felt empowered.

It is not really about how much work my MIL did. It is that she listened to what we needed and supported us where we were. It was easy to feel grateful.


I went through something very similar when I had my second child. It never got better. Now my mother is dying and I struggle with wanting to be there for her, and knowing that she hates me & calls it love. Not fun. I have a newborn daughter right NOW. My mother did not come to my shower because she wanted to show her ass. She fell that day and broke a hip, they discovered cancer, it has been downhill for her the past twelve weeks. I am doing what I feel is right, but trying to not ever get invested in her again, emotionally. She is not a safe person for me. I cry and then I get frustrated about wasting my energy over someone who would only have made my death about her, if the tables were turned. Bleh. Turn the page, write a new story.


This post just makes me mad. It makes me feel like I wish I would have been there so that I could tell her to get the f—out of the house! That never should have happened to you. I’m glad she’s not in your life anymore.

The part about your mother thinking that you were making excuses really hit home. My mom always thinks evil of me no matter what I do for her. It’s always a shock to me. People who are pathologically self-centered are blind and deaf. There is no reality for them except the one they create in their own heads. The disappointing daughter that she ranted about lives in her own head, it was never you. I know you know that but I also know it still hurts.


thanks for posting the story ;My Mother Finally wanted to BE My Mother. it touched me it made me think of my mother and how i wanted her to be time after time she just wasnt the mother she should have been even was the rality reall hurts when your faced with what your mother really is and has been all your life . but myself as a mother i am the mother i always wanted my mother to be but i am a better mother than my mother was . my mother was abusive and disconnected with any kind of feels but rejection,rage ,anger mood swings ,hateful to us always letting me know what a bother i was just to ask to go to the bathroom when i was home in the summer or just asking for something to eat all day was a boiled egg , i loved when school was in
i would get breakfast and lunch . i was so hungery in school i would ask for 2 lunch plates i was so malourisheded as a child . i dont know why she didnt think we needed more food the schools nurse gave us iron pills and vitamans becalse we were so underfeed . i still cant go to her grave . ive even taken her picture down in the living room i cant stand to look at her high school picture is reminds me of the pain she inflected on us as kids .


Wow Darlene- with all the uproar of our eviction, temp move etc I’ve not been reading blogs much this past while but this one caught my attention.

I really appreciate that you wrote it- it helped me remember how my mom was with my first baby- and helps me remember the dysfunction of our relationship…

She came from Kitchener to stay with me – after I went home early from the hospital- we were on a self-help unit and the gal in other bed was giving all the drinks and snacks for the new moms to her european family so I went home so I could have what I needed throughout the day!
Anyway- mom came and I ended up preparing every meal for her and whenever I was busy with the baby she’s go sulk in her room- she kept going on and on about how she wanted a divorce etc- it was ALL about her- I don’t remember a single thing she did to help with the baby.

I got told off by my dad when my second son was born – for not having mom come! I just told him she hadn’t indicated she wanted to come and left it at that…

not nearly as difficult a time as many here- but the pain of witheld parental support is all the same I think.

Anyway- thanx again for both writing your memories and for affirming mine.



Grrrr, it’s so frustrating when they get their hopes up by pretending like they want to help. With my first 2 babies I lived 3 hours away, and my mom came out each time and spent a week telling me how messed up my house was and “fixing” it for me. For my third baby we lived much farther away, and they offered to send my teenage sister up, but then failed to save enough money for the plane ticket, so we ended up paying for her to come up and help. For our 4th, we decided we were doing without help this time. My husbands family never offered to help (in fact they came up to visit 2 weeks after the birth and expected to be entertained) and my family went on and on about how we couldn’t do it without them, but never offered to help. They ripped down my husband saying there was no way he could take care of me, and “graciously” offered to allow my teenage sister to fly up again, but there was no mention of paying for her ticket, they were expecting us to pick up the tab again. I just don’t think they are really that interested in helping out.


Darlene, thanks for sharing such a gut-wrenching story. It is incomprehensible that mothers can behave in such horrendous manners, then turn around and say “I love you” as if none of what they just said or did happened. I, too, have experienced several instances of wanting “my Mom” in times of need. It never happens, though, because she just can’t get past herself. When she says the words “I love you”, to me they are totally empty. Actions speak louder than words and I don’t call her method of ‘mothering’ love by any means!


Hi Dolores,
You know it is funny, your comment reminded me that even though it happened to me, I had this sort of same feeling at the time, for years in fact, that I could not imagine her doing that; EVEN though she did it! That is the fog of abuse. That is the difficulty of this whole thing. I had learned from very young not to question my mother.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Joy
Oh my, this brings up a whole bunch of memories for me too… funny how the abuse stories are just endless and when I first started to take a look at it, I believed those lies preached at me all my life “oh it isn’t that bad and Oh you exaggerate so much” But the more that I looked at the facts, the more I HAD to realize that my mother didn’t treat me with LOVE at all.
Thank you for sharing your story ~ this is such a prime example of what I am talking about. What kind of a “loving” mother does that???
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Chloe!
It was your post about the “arguing in the hall way” that was the inspiration for this post! I started to write it right after I read your story! Bringing presents is sometimes the “buy off” in the case of my family but as you say, that isn’t a relationship.. I am so glad that your mother in law came and actually helped you; supported you and was there for you!
Hugs, Darlene


Hi L,
I am sorry that you are going through all this… it is very hard. I found that I had so much trouble “turning the page” and I write a lot about how I finally did that. But it wasn’t a decision as much as a process. I took a look at the truth exactly the way that you just wrote about. The truth speaks volumes about the relationship and I think in my case the decision was about putting me first finally. However, my mother wasn’t dying while I was making all those changes ~ that is a huge added hurdle. Hang in here and please share often. My heart is with yours,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Pam,
Your post made me smile! I had this image of you just telling my mother off! And yes… realizing that my mother always thought the worst of me was one of the horrible truths that I had to face too, and I had to realize that it wasn’t about me, it was HER. but like you say, it always shocks me too. Like the young people say “WTF”? I can’t fathom where she got those ideas/beliefs about me but they are really NOT about me.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Karla,
Yay that you are the mother that you always wanted to have! That is so awesome. I really related to your comments even though I was fed properly as a child. My mother did that right ~ maybe she thought that was enough? Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Maribeth,
My goodness, lots going on in your life!
Yes, I had to constantly remember the dysfunction so that I could “justify” setting my boundaries. I continually made excuses for my mother to myself. Like I said, it took me another 14 years to really stand up to her with real conviction.
You are right about the pain of withheld parental support. It isn’t the details that make any one event worse then another, ALL of this is devastating to each one that it happens to and it is a huge contributing factor when it comes to low self esteem and all sorts of other manifestations.
Glad you are here, thanks for sharing.

Hi Young Mom
Looking back after I drew boundaries, I saw this kind of pattern with my mother; if she ever did or said anything nice, it was always with a motive. ie; she offered to come and help me but I had to worship her, bow down to her, show endless gratitude to her.. even before she did the nice thing! That was the endless spin of her control over me. So if I didn’t live up to MY end of the deal.. (worship) then she was mad… and the more life went on, the worse this cycle got and the more she wanted from me, (humanly unreasonable demands) the faster I failed in her eyes.
Thanks for sharing
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Ingie
Exactly. That is why I so often mention the false definition of love in this website. This stuff isn’t love at all. And her definition of love is only about what I do for her, not about how she is with me. Totally messed up and one sided. I have no room for that dysfunction in my life anymore.
Thanks for being here.
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Darlene:

What was so difficult. I had the doctors note. I was coughing blood up from my lungs and she saw it and none of that mattered. .all that mattered was that money and .I had pneumonia. I had pleurisy year before..so my lungs and health were fragile . .my well being mattered nothing ..still doesnt..

If I had did nothing around the house I could even reason the high price for rent ..though i used nothing to pay so much. .i bought my own food etc. .But I cleaned..scrubbed etc after my two jobs..

I feel so worthless even thinking of it..that is worthless to them.



I took all this information (like you just shared) and put it into my NEW grid of truth in order to find freedom from low self esteem and chronic mental health struggles. What I finally had to realize was that hoping that I would eventually “find the key and do just the right thing to finally get approval” was never going to happen. I had to start doing for me, (slef love, self value, self care) what they never would. I realized that they had no motivation to change! They had everything (ME) just the way they wanted it. See?? Read your comments over through that grid to see what I am talking about. All the things you did, You paid rent, you did the cleaning, you bought food… and they kept telling you (in actions) to keep trying. (like dangeling the carrot of “you might get love one day”
Hugs, and thanks for sharing.


Darlene I want to start out by saying you amaze me 🙂 I think it is wonderful that you made this place. I feel like I am coming into a sanctuary every-time I visit. I also somehow get very moved by all of you’re posts this one in particular hit a nerve .As I read this I started flashing back to a very similar situation, but it wasn’t just my mother . I was pregnant with my third child and my liver started failing my urine was brown I couldn’t keep any food down so my husband would take the kids upstairs to my mother while he worked I was completely bed ridden I laid there for days and no one offered me anything to eat or drink .My sister came to visit after a few days of not getting me to answer my phone , I had lost at least 10 pounds in those few days . She told my parents and husband that I needed to go to hospital . They were busy and she had no car my husband came home late that night ( went out drinking with friends instead )and my parents finally took me to the ER I remember thinking I was going to die as would my baby on the way there they stopped to get cigarettes instead of taking me right in they let me know I was bothering there schedule but they had to take me as hubby wouldn’t then they left me in the waiting room . I spent the next week in the hospital no one visited . I had totally forgotten about this till I read this post I will spend the next few days thinking about this as it has really opened a lot of feelings for me !I took care of my mother while she had a terminal illness and my husband is now very ill and I also care for him I give good care actually putting myself last . I really need to think about this and figure out WHY do I care for people who almost let me die ??? Thanks for being here and thanks for everyone else that posts here 🙂


This resonates so much with me. When I had my first child I was terrified. I had step-children already, but had never taken care of a baby. My husband had to go back to work after just a day. My mom offered to help and took a week off to do so. I was glad to have the support, but leery of it. When she got there I was relieved…frankly I was terrified of being alone with this little baby…terrified I wouldn’t do something right. Was glad to have someone with experience there. She made it very clear right away though, she WAS NOT there to take care of the baby. What?? Why are you here? Well, she cleaned my house from top to bottom and even wanted to do the laundry…which would have been fine, but I didn’t want any of that…I just needed support. Everytime I felt stressed, she would disappear or even smile as I fought back tears, reminding me that she was not there to take care of the baby. The week was loooonnnggg. Funny thing is at the end of it, I realized the only thing she didn’t clean was my ceiling fans so I called her up and said…hey, you cleaned the walls, the stove, the floors…etc…you forgot my ceiling fans (and I was laughing). She said, quite seriously, no I didn’t…I figured you could do that. When I had my second one she wanted to take some time off to help and I told her I didn’t need her here, but it would be nice if she would take the first one once in a while so he could get a break, and me too. She took the time off, but only came and got him once on the weekend when my husband and step-kids were here and could have helped anyway. AND, she took all three of the kids so she could have help with the youngest. AND, she complained about the behavior of my youngest (he used to get very upset and throw up a lot when he was little – get upset and end up making himself get sick.). This was all very irritating. Learning experiences. I felt more like she wanted to look like she was helping (the good grandma) but only by looking that way.


And I also feel I must admit when I first saw your link to this post, I was almost afraid to read it…thought…oh no! her mom became a good mom! lol! I was surprised, shocked, and jealous…then i read the blog and realized like a lot of seemingly good things about family…they only seem good until you peel off the label…or the great offer that brings you running in with high hopes.


Hi Charlotte,
Oh my gosh, this is a terrible story, what a dangerous situation you were in! And yes, it is exactly what I am talking about in my blog ~ not just this article but the whole thing. All this dysfunctional relationship stuff and the way that we forget, block it out, don’t realize what it means, how we have been disregarded. How (by stopping for smokes on the way) they made sure that you knew that YOU came last! Oh this makes me so angry. This is wrong. Plain and simple it is wrong. Is it any wonder why we struggle with low self esteem? Depression? and all kinds of other stuff???
Thanks for sharing Charlotte, thank you for your lovely compliments about my site and keep me posted about how you process this out from here.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Wendi
Thank you for sharing another piece of the same side of this coin. The point is that she couldn’t do what you wanted / needed. She had to do what SHE wanted. I always had this “feeling” that my mother HAD to withhold anything I wanted, like she believed that if she gave in to anything I wanted, that I would suddenly just walk all over her. SO she withheld. The problem with that “game” is that I tried all the time to figure out what she wanted me to do, be etc. SO often I read her wrong and she would withdraw the things that she used to not withdraw and it got so confusing. All about her control over me, no matter what it took.
Thanks for sharing,
hugs, Darlene
p.s. thanks for sharing your original reaction to this post as well!


I am so grateful for this blog. It reminds me that I’m not crazy! My experience is not as bad as others but the patterns are so familiar.

The really dysfunctional aspect to my experience is how my family still pretends everything is fine and we’re this incredibly great family … until the next fight when we pull out our ‘score sheets’ and make our case for why the other members do not add up. It is incredibly stressful because even when things are good I find myself wondering if what I do will come back and bite me. For example, I spent a long time debating whether or not to let my mother come into the birthing room. I didn’t want her there – I just didn’t feel safe – but I also was afraid that if I didn’t she would get angry at me for not going along with the illusion that Everything Is Great. She kept telling me about how other families had the mother there and I felt guilty. But the good thing about being pregnant was that I had prenatal classes and a nurse told us the value of doing what is best for ourselves and our new family. I am so glad I didn’t relent.

Thank you for helping me get some perspective. I love this site!


Hi Chloe
I totally relate to this! Even knowing what I really wanted, but being more worried about someone else’s reaction! I used to eat food I didn’t want because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I wore my hair a certain way because my grandmother liked it that way. And esp. when it came to my mother I was afraid of her being angry at me. I felt strong because I help my ground when it came to not calling her husband “my step father”. I heard about that one for YEARS. I thought I was so tough! LOL I held my ground when it came to her views of how I should discipline my children, and because I held on those things I thought I was doing GREAT. I am so glad that it didn’t occur to me to have my mother in the delivery room… OMG… I don’t know what the heck I would have done if that came up! I put myself in all kinds of unsafe situations with her even after my kids were born. Good for you for making that healthy decision!
Hugs, Darlene


Darlene, another powerful post my friend. And one that brought to the front of my mind a whole swack of memories. I have friends who are Grandma’s who go weeks before the baby arrives to be with their daughters, and stay afterwards to help. I remember reading, after my baby was born, about a Mom who was so afraid she’d miss the birth she asked the airline to put her on an earlier flight, and she made it in time. My Mom, after years of promising she’d be there to help me, didn’t come for over four months to see her only grandson and my only child.

I was two days into motherhood, incision sore, baby struggling to nurse and crying because I wanted her there and wondering inside why I wanted her there…I felt betrayed and so alone. I have a loving family of inlaws and friends and wonderful husband who was there but that night, alone, I was so terribly alone.

The real kicker was we came behind a modular home delivery. And when I tried to tell her later how much that hurt she said I always too dramatic and emotional. Really? Wow…

Flash forward to last fall, they came for their semi annual visit and I caught my son dumbing himself down around them, and there was this hurt look in his eyes because they didn’t want to know him. He actually told his grandpa to ‘Let me be’ and I was so proud because at his age I would never have thought I could say that, let alone say it. I’m doing something right there, I thought, and later that winter when he cried because he thought his love wasn’t enough we ‘fired them’.

You know about my healing journey and my blogging, and since I stood up for myself the last time I’ve not heard anything from them. Sad that they would give up so much because they only want to protect something that means so little. Sigh…

Thanks for this post, and for your example of courage and helping bust the fog.


As an adult, I had to learn to take care of my own needs and wants because no one taught me how to by caring for me as a child. As a child, I got bronchitis every winter. My parents called it a chest cold. I was never taken to the doctor for my “chest colds”. I didn’t know it was bronchitis until I started working on healing my incest issues. My first year of working on my incest issues, I got a “chest cold”. It was bad enough that I went to the doctor and discovered that my chest colds as a child were really bronchitis and that I should have been taken to the doctor every time that I got it. It could have turned into pneumonia. I could have died but I never mattered enough to be taken to the doctor.

Learning to take care of myself as an adult involved what some experts call re-parenting. I learned to do inner child work as well in learning to love myself and to change that critical inner voice that we all have telling us the same things over and over again that we were told as children.


wow, this is exactly why i had as little to do with my mother during my labour as i possibly could. my husband and her have always had a tug-of-war kinda of relationship with me as their rope, i hate it and was not having it whilst i was in labour, so i chose someone i knew could control my husband, who is a nitemare when he is bored, and was a real good person to boot. their was complications and i eneded up in theatre. when i came round afterwards it was to hear them arguing already. so not what i needed or want but yet agian she had taken over and overstep the boundaries that had been set before hand. i had been honest with her in why she would not be invited to the hospital til after the birth and i didnt change my mind. was just another thing she held against my husband though. it so sad when a birth becomes a powerplay by certain members of the family


I just wanted to say that I really like the way you come back and address each one of our comments. I always come back and check after I leave a comment on all the blogs I read and I’m never disappointed when I check back with you. I can tell that you really want to build a relationship with your readers and I appreciate it. Bright blessings to you!



Thanks for sharing with me about the grid of truth..putting my
info into that same outline shows me that “i might be loved’ but
on my grid the probability is 99.9 percent that i wont be loved from them as much as i would want .. not even a tiny bit loved is showing up .. it hurts me very much.


I must say am pretty much like you when it comes to caring for myself.. if anything i was taught not to care for myself.. Coughs and colds never were treated and so giving myself attention when sick is not something that comes natural at all. I have to learn all that stuff.. what is inner child work?



I’ve been reading every post since my husband told me about your blog, and this is the one that resonated most. So many times I’ve allowed myself to depend on my mother and every time I’ve been anywhere from disappointed to appalled by her behavior. Now I try to remember my childhood before I allow her in. She sent me to my grandparents, who sent me to a babysitter who molested me. When I was 13, she decided to be a mother again, but by 14 I was in a group home run by the state… She was never there for me then, why would I think she would be now? Thank you so much for writing about your experiences, so the rest of us know we are not alone.


Hi Shanyn
My goodness.. everything came before me with my mom too ~ I will have to write the story of my wedding one of these days. So hard to understand… my husband and I agonized many a time over our parents lack of interest before we came out of the fog about this stuff. His parents were very similar too. Lots of stories and lots of examples on this subject.
The part of you comment that struck me the most was when you said that you wanted her there and wondered why. OH THAT sound so Familiar to me too. I knew there was something wrong with the way she regarded me, way before I realized what it was and realized that I did not deserve that!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Patricia,
OH my goodness… by way everyone, withholding medical treatment is abuse and is within the definition of abuse in all of North America. I had to learn to re-parent myself too.. and to take care of myself, and to go to the dr. (my parents did take me to the dr. but they didn’t value me enough to teach me self value, so I still had to learn to take care of myself in all ways)
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Carol
Yes, this is exactly what I am talking about! I know exactly what you mean about “a power play” too.
Thanks for sharing!
hugs, Darlene


Hi Dolores,
I do care about my readers; one of the things that I noticed when I got through all this stuff in my own process is that the first key for me was being heard. SO, when I decided to do this blog and talk about this stuff, I knew that everyone else needed to be heard too. I “try” to answer every comment and i used to be able to do it but the last three months I have averaged 1000 comments ever 4 weeks. SO… my policy is to answer all the ones that I can, and I have to skip the ones that are addressed to other people (like interaction between commenters) and sometimes I can only answer the commenter once per thread. (per post) but I LOVE the interaction on this blog! I did not expect to get this much sharing in happening in only 18 months!
Thanks for your acknowledgements Dolores!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Joy,
You might also want to look at your definition of love based on that same information. It does hurt very much but at the same time it is a new beginning… for me if was like finally I was starting from the truth. In the end it set me free. I never imagined this kind of freedom and love for life.
Hang in here!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Michele
This is such a tough truth to swallow, I know. It took me a long time to really look at it through the eyes of truth. I thought so many times that my mother would finally see me as good enough.. but it didn’t happen. You are not alone! When I first started public speaking I was shocked at how many people came forward to tell me how much they could relate. They were shocked that I knew how the felt… that is why I write. If there were 20 people telling me this in every seminar… I knew there would be thousands/millions of us on the net! And I was right… (sad as that is)
Glad you are here!
hugs, Darlene


Joy, it is the inner child that carries our woundedness from childhood trauma and abuse. I read a lot, especially when I am working on my own issues. There were 3 books that helped me learn to acknowledge and love my inner children rather than hate and blame them for the abuse.
1. Healing The Child Within written by Charles L. Whitfield
2. Recovery of Your Inner Child written by Lucia Capacchione
3. Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child written by John Bradshaw.
A 4th book that I loved reading from daily was Affirmations for the Inner Child written by Rokelle Lerner.

All 4 of those books are still around and available on Amazon.com. I gave away all of my copies to friends who were beginning to work on themselves years ago.


Darlene, this post, and all the comments, are bringing up a lot of memories for me.

My intitial reaction to the title, “My Mother Finally wanted to BE My Mother,” was a lot like Wendi’s. I thought, “NO! Really? Darlene’s mother is back in her life now? But won’t it just lead to another huge disaster, sooner or later? They don’t ever really change, these unloving, self-centered, hateful, abusive mothers!”

When my daughter was born, in a hospital approx. 30 miles from where my mother lived, I called to let her know. The next day one of the nurses, a hateful *B* who talked and acted like a clone of my mother, told me, “Your mother came to see your baby in the nursery, but she told us she did not want to see YOU.” This nurse said it with such glee, relishing the look of deep hurt that I could feel on my face.



That hateful nurse’s attitude was like, “You must really be a terrible person if your own mother doesn’t even want to see you when you’ve just had a baby.” I remember I felt so ASHAMED… deeply ashamed, that my mother didn’t love me any better than that, deeply ashamed, that she would actually go out of her way to tell this nurse, this stranger, that she didn’t want to see me, her own daughter, she only wanted a look at her new grandchild. I felt so ashamed, because I believed it was MY FAULT that my mother was so cruel to me.

I was 21, and still decades away from learning that Lynda Lee Robinson is equally valuable and worthy of love, kindness, courtesy, and respect, to any other human being ever created.


its just verbal abuse
its just crazy
its not us making excuses or being lazy or anything,
we should first suspecxt verbal abuse whenever anyone is called lazy, etc., on a repeated basis, and why would calling someone lazy (and that is just the tip of the iceberg)be productive anyway?
Oh, that’s what they call us from the pulpit, oh yeah, I remember now

I had similar events in my motherhood experience with both my mother and me ex-mil, SO familiar, but Darlene, your mom is especially talented at the details, we just didn’t have so many other members in my family to “trip” with, but WOW, when you have siblings, it is remarkable to watch these Narc moms push everyone around, telling each one a different version, and seeming so good to each one that they all NEVER doubt her!!!

It has to be the sickest thing in the world.


I have heard bronchitis being referred to by those in the natural filed of health as a sadness illness


talk about liars and thieves


Hi Lynda,
That was a hateful thing to do, what that nurse did and what your mother did was equally hateful. It was always as though my mother had to “put me in my place” like she had to remind me that I didn’t really have a right to …… well ….anything.
About the nurse, I think that she also wanted to put you in your place… like she had to have power OVER you. So she hooked on to the abuse that your mother just administered to you. If you think about it, a loving nurse would have felt compassion for you, having such a mean mother, and she would have been kind and gentle… but this nurse was a hateful (b word) and delighted in the surg of power that she got from slapping you when you were down. Those people are PATHETIC. They are the definition of the word pathetic.
Thank you for sharing Lynda. I think you are beautiful and tender hearted and I want to hug that dismissed child that you were at 21.
Hugs, Darlene

oh yes that tactic is called “divide and conquer” and my mother was a master at it… I could have easily thought that I was the one who was picked on and the other two were revered… but i know way better than that. My mom ran a few “shows” in her day!
Hugs, Darlene


You aren’t worthless. They are. I feel so bad for you. I pray for you.


Darlene, thank you with all my heart, for your kind words.




For me love is caring deeply about someone or others without any selfish interest mixed in.giving without counting the cost. being there without expecting reward..Caring when someone hurts..etc.. Love means so much. .If someoneone in my family would show me just a tiny bit. ..they would care an not ask me how much I am willing to pay for that care.

I am a poet so could go on and on about what love is. I know what it should be and know I never got any of it from home..

thank you for your kind words over and over again. you demonstrate what love is in your blog and reaching out..and am going to keep “hanging in here”…

Hugs; JOy


Thank you for explaining that the innner child needs parenting and am sure I will be buying some books .never learned to pay attention to the little girl inside and she has been screaming for attention..

thank you so much : hugs: Joy

@ Pam.

thank you for your kindly words.





When I was in nursing school in about 1986, we talked about mirroring the patient’s mood and NOT bringing your own agenda into the patient’s room, and now you story is a perfecgt example of the opposite of this, and probably WHY they had to come up with a way to focus on the issue in training. I wish they would have explained it in THAT context, because it was confusing to me at the time, but now makes perfect sense. That guideline whould have prevented her from even thinking down that path, i.e., how manipulate you, etc.


My emerging imagination can only IMAGINE how your mother worked INSISTING to your sister that the doctor said that the BEST thing for you right now would be to have visitors, etc., or WHATVEVER it was that your mom actually acheived, she first INSISTED to your sister THAT was the very thing that the doctor wanted, etc., etc., ad nauseum,SO that, And here is the key: however you ended up responding to what your mother orchestrated made YOU look like a TOTAL fool!! YES, i was married to one of these, and his mother, and wow, all I can s say on this end is “what reason in the world is there to ever get together with people of this nature?” When MY pain is their gain, think again!


Hi Joy
Yes, I like your definition of love; what I had to realize is that it was something expected of me, but not something that was given TO me.
Thank you for your lovely compliments about me!!! I can FEEL your love!
Hugs, Darlene

And Kate, there is abuse everywhere. People depend on NOT getting reported because they just hook on to our prior grooming process. (that we have been taught not to stand up to “authority” that anyone in authority can hurt and will hurt us.) It is a version of how I speak about my mother wanting to get her “order” restored by putting me down. You see this with bosses, teachers, nurses and doctors, police, anyone who abuses their positional power, (and the truth is that those people have the power to make things SO much better for others, they are in the helping professions after all! ) in order to be “over” someone else. Pathetic…
Hugs, Darlene

p.s. Kate ~ it was HER sister, my aunt, not my sister.
I like your little saying “when my pain is their gain, think again”.. LOL that is a good one.


Can you believe it? I just found this on my newsfeed. Time to pull some weeds!

I went back to repost it to this site, and she took it down, it is actually not on her wall anymore, and I lost the message here while trying to post it!!

It was a quote from some lady named Cheryl McGrath, some $$ ministry person who gets paid to talk what some group wants to hear, ear tickling, ego tickling, etc., all another way to convince the contibutors, $$,that they don’t have a mind, will, feelings, thoughts of their own, everything we talk about here…

The quote said that rubbing shoulders once/twice a week isn’t enough. So going to church once/twice a week isn’t enough. You must do what WE say in order for you to truly be godly. Otherwise, your godliness cannot be measured. It actually used the word measured. SO, look out, because you are going to be congregating with groups of people in order to be “measured” all week long!


OK, sorry, I must have missed it, here is the quote I was referring to in #42 Keywords in caps–by me

“To say that we are DEMONSTRATING accountability to a person or group of people we may briefly rub shoulders with at a meeting once or twice a week, or perhaps once or twice a year, is ludicrous. True accountability is about how we express Christ in us – our lifestyle, our character and our integrity in families, jobs and church community. This cannot be MEASURED outside Godly relationships, and without a humble willingness to be in SUBJECTION one to another.” —Cheryl McGrath –

Whoa, turn off your brain, before proceeding here! Otherwise, you will NOT be humbly submitting to “one another.”

Dange thing is, part of this is true! We have a dynamic something like this in a loving HOME, in a loving FAMILY, in a loving MARRIAGE.


HI Darlene:

You “deserve” all the lovely compliments…I understand that with my family love is not something they think I deserve or something I will get . They demand their polluted and dystunctional idea of love .. money.. obeying their demand for my silence.. but not true love..

Its quite triggering to realize that love is something I will never get from them.. just puts me into the deep deep depths of sorrow but I will pull myself up on the love being shown me everywhere else..

Thanks Darlene for continuing to reach out to me and to everyone else here.. Hugs to all. and lots more love to give.




you have no idea how this sentence resonates with me!!

” It is a version of how I speak about my mother wanting to get her “order” restored by putting me down.”

Something just shot through my body when I read these words. And it is so horrible growing up like this, thinking that THIS is the RIGHT way for me to FEEL!!!!


I can just hear my mother in that tone, “DO you want me to blister your bottom?” I swear she spanked me everyday for years. I don’t know how many, but it was inevitable. She was always mad at me.

When I recently saw photos of her with me as an infant, she acutally had that mad/crazy look on her face looking at ME, an infant!! I was lying on her lap and she was looking down smirking at me squaling my head off. Why would you photograph that? She was amused when I was unhappy. SO, I did NOT dream this attitude into her; she had it anyway! What could I have possibly have done as an infant to deserve such negativiy? Look at nutrition, look lots of places as a mom, look at the health of yourself and your marriage, and your husband’s cigarette habit, but DON’T look at me like that!!

And then I was forced to take long afternoon naps until I was six. No wonder I had no social life. So lonely. There is a photo of me at age 5-6 still (this is true) sitting for my meal in a high chair, with a tray locking me in. I looked crammed in there, like it is a prison, or something, very unnatural. I am actually not sitting at the table, but in a high chair. Total humiliation. I haven’t seen that photo, (and certainly never wanted anyone to ever see that)in MANY years. I can’t begin to tell the humilitation that I felt seeing that again, or remembering the humiliation that I felt when I was 5-6. Just unbelievable! And seeing that photo brought back the memory of her yelling, everyday,about any crumbs that I got anywhere while eating.


My parents are different from your mom in that their false self is helpless and childlike. This is how they get people to take care of them. When I was a child, my dad was dependent upon his parents. When he ran that into the ground, he became a preacher for a short time. When he ran that into the ground, he lived on a younger friends property. Then they said they had no place to park their mobile home so my husband and I allowed them to move onto our property. We also paid their electricity, hauled their garbage, built a nice car port and red wood deck onto their mobile home and bought them a car. I also hauled them to doctors and tried to help them keep it all straight. Basically, we did whatever our parents asked us to do and then some. When we couldn’t provide a lawyer for my nephew, my mom’s favorite grandson, then my mom’s true colors began to show. Where your mom and my mom do find common ground is in personal, hurtful attacks and accusations meant to restore their order. My mom said that I had moved her onto her property to control her. Which really meant that I wasn’t giving her all that she wanted from me. She had lost control of me and my husband. She had lost control of her means of survival. She even told me later that God takes care of her through other people. Translated: 11 years of my husband and I providing for their needs did not really come from us at all but from God and it is their just deserts.

I know now that I should never have let them move in. They were still young enough to get part time jobs and supliment their fixed incomes. They were still healthy enough to work part time. I think people like my parents and like your mom are the way they are partly, because people who love them let them get away with it. I don’t think my parents were ever really abused unless you call spoiling abuse. I think they were very spoiled children who never had to grow up and be accountable. I think I am the first to draw the line with them. It isn’t just healthy for me but for them as well.



Absolutely about drawing the lines. I used to tell my ex to just tell him mom a simply “no”. I don’t think he ever has, ever. And I concluded the same about her, VERY spoiled.

And if it that they were spoiled, abused, or both, a combo, etc., they STILL have to be told whatever needs to be said in any given situation, as you have suggested, not moving in, or whatever.



I remember my mom taking pictures too. she would take them after she beatus and they would look so pathetic. Trying to smile after you beaten black and blue was no easy. I thnk mom hated herself and took that hate out on us. I Was the only one that stuck around during her angry time. I feel sorry for her some ways.. she never knew how to love. her love always hurt in so many ways.



I am speechless. So sorry!


Actually, I do think spoiling is a form of abuse. Spoiling a child certainly doesn’t prepare them for life in the real world. My dad was an only child and he also has a withered arm. I think he was coddled because of it. My mom was the baby of seven. Her sisters all catered to her. They always called, she never reached out to them. I don’t think it even occurred to her. She seldom reaches out to anyone but expects everyone to come to her and is very hurt when they don’t. When I was young, my dad didn’t put on the helpless routine. Quite the opposite. He was very flamboiant and unabashadedly controling. My mom, I’m afraid, has made it her life’s work to avoid repsonsibility. One can never grow up if responsibility is consistently avoided.


What was her reasoning for taking pictures? I think all abusive people hate themselves. It isn’t possible to abuse another without also damaging yourself. How could they not hate themselves?


@ Kate
I was too


@Pam. we were never allowed to complain or ask questions.. there are lot of question i would like her to answer.

She would also dress us in the most ridiculuous way as well and send us to school that way .. we were ridiculed ..to no end.

Maybe she wanted us to feel ashamed like she did . we were made fun of every day.



There are no boundaries with dysfunctional and toxic parents. Oh but what boundless self-importance Darlene’s mother had, her decisions more important than the doctor’s advice. There’s no way for a mother to make up for ridiculing her daughter like this. Anything would be too little, too late, I think. My mother has Alzheimer’s. I have come to terms to release whatever it is I thought I might have needed from her this late in our lives. I’ve let it go.


Yes, realizing that the N mom does not have the ability to be otherwise can be of value.


She doesn’t deserve you. I feel sorry for my parents too though. If I could help them, I would. I can’t though so I am helping me and my family. I love them through prayer and hope that some day they will decide that treating me with respect is the right thing to do. I’m not holding my breath though.

I’m so sad that all those things have happened to you. I truly believe that this will be a turning point for you and that your life will begin to change.



I don’t know but i keep hoping she would change though she continues to verbally abuse me. Despite all the brainwashing the old belief system did to me it did put in me the desire to always make peace when there is none between me and another i have tried and tried and tried to make peace and am totally frustrated because you would think somehow trying would be rewarded some day with what one is trying for ?:(

I feel somehow I must not be pleasing to God like she says I am not ..why would He keep not hearing me if I was worthy to be heard or if He saw me as HIs child.. If God loved me if He heard me why doesn’t He stop all the nonsense.. since it is totally breaking my heart.. He has stopped bigger things than this

My mom says i am going to spend eternity in Hell but i Have tried with every ounce of my being to be good.. somehow seems like my good enough is not good enough ? 🙁



Ah Joy,
I’ve been reading your posts and empathizing with you but wanted to jump in here if that’s ok?

One thing God cannot/willnot do is go against a person’s will. Your mom has CHOSEN and committed herself to this life she lives and the outcomes you experience are a result of her choices – her WILL!

I believe the scripture best suited to you here is ‘don’t cast your pearls before swine’… not to call her a swine- but that you might want to choose not to expose your treasures to her until she proves worthy and respectful of them.

Your pleasing God is not the issue here at all.

Scripture also says we must not judge who will spend eternity in Hell- that’s His job! So she is already breaking God’s rule right there. So ignore her- get as far from her as you can… take a page out of Risé Brette Brown’s book- (you can find her on facebook and perhaps get on her blog – I’ve lost the url right now) but she walked away from her narcissistic mother and is so much better for it- and loves the Lord with all her heart and has found so much joy in her life.

Many others here have done the same.

My folks are both gone now so I grapple with ghosts- tho have pretty much put them to rest now and am getting on without hearing their old tracks in my head…

YOU are a treasure and putting yourself in the place where she can abuse you is not God’s idea. If He thought abuse was a good idea he wouldn’t have set the Isrealites free of Pharaoh!

My sense is that your longing for peace is really a willingness to do anything to make it stop- it’s not a true or possible peace because for real peace both sides have to come to a truce.

Find the place where you can have peace with God in your heart that your mother may never change and that you are totally worthy of being free from the shame and lies she continually tries to destroy you with. She is NOT an agent of God but of the enemy who comes to ‘steal, kill and destroy’.

Before God, none of us are good enough- it’s Jesus’ blood that covers us and gives us access to all His goodness… He came to set the captives free, to give a spirit of joy for the spirit of heaviness – which is so fogging you in.He loves you just the way you are and wants to set you free!

Am praying for you dear Joy- Take heart. There are plenty of us here willing to offer a hand of support as you walk out of this prison of your mother’s into the freedom of being the YOU God created you to be!

bless you- with big hugs and prayers for you on your path,


I believe that God loves you and that He loves your mom too. He is a gentleman and doesn’t force Himself on anyone. You want the right thing so the problem isn’t you. Your mom has done a lot of evil in her life and it seems that she is transfering all of her fears of what justice would mean over to you. She fears Hell. You can’t make peace alone. You can’t have a relationship alone. It isn’t your fault, honey. Sometimes we just have to accept things that we can’t change and go on. You deserve to have a happy life and I know that God wants that for you too. It sounds as if you’ve done all you can to honor your mother. She needs to quit provoking you. The weight of responsibility is hers not yours.



Hi Kate,
I had to take afternoon naps too, way after the age that I needed them… the truth was that SHE wanted her time alone. I also had to go to be very early, (7:00) and I horrible memories of not being able to get to sleep, because I had an afternoon nap of course! The next afternoon ~ guess what? I was tired! and on and on it went.

Hi Pam
Is spoiling people so much that they can’t function in the real world “abuse”.. I think so. It certainly didn’t prepare them to function in the real world…. I could write volumes about this one too. 🙂
Note, I wrote that just before I read your comment #51 which struck me very funny because I am basically saying exactly what YOU just said! LOL

I love the support going on here! I was in the city all day. Two of my kids are graduating next week, (two different grads) and it is hectic to say the least. I needed to get a new dress and do a few other things. Thank you ALL for taking care of the blog while I was gone. 🙂
Hugs, Darlene


Maribeth ..thank you for your explanation of things .. I have so much there you have written that I can think about it. I so appreciate all the time you have taken to write it and I appreciate you support, your prayers and efforts. I really do.. I have lots of sorting out to do. but will take it one day at a time and will ponder all your have written in my heart..thank you :

Pam..I don’t know what i deserve.. i know what i want .. I don’t see from the all seeing knowing side of the eternal one. i keep trying to do right. thank you for you kindly words.. I just feel if i deserve good than good would be happening to me right? I don’t know am stil in a bunch of fog ..will take quiet moments to ponder why am still in the receiving end of bad. I know am doing all I can but maybe it’s not enough..may be will not be worthy ever of good things?



Dear Joy,
I hope you will read and reread again and again, the things that Maribeth wrote to you in comment #58. I agree with what she wrote.

Joy, I have been reading your sweet and heartbreaking comments for a while now… wanting so much to help, to comfort, to encourage you, and yet not feeling up to the task, because I am still grieving so much for my cousin who drowned recently, the day after I had talked with her for nearly an hour on the phone. It’s so hard for me to understand and accept that Elaine is truly GONE. She was so young.

But, life is for the living, and I know Elaine would be the first to say that. While we are alive, we must LIVE. Joy, I lived for 50 years… that’s right FIFTY YEARS!, being miserable and hurting so badly inside, because my mother never loved me, and she destroyed my self-esteem. I took my misery with me every where I went.

But then, at the age of 50, which was in 2003, I FINALLY began to get the understanding and wisdom that is explained so beautifully by Maribeth in comment #58. Joy, I pray that you will not continue to HURT, the way I HURT, until you are fifty! I pray you will get the truth of Maribeth’s comment to you, NOW! I know it takes time for all of this to soak all the way in, after a lifetime of being put down by your own mother, from the time you are a baby, on… it takes TIME and WORK to UNDO all that damage to your ego!

Joy, my mother was hurting me in the ways you describe your mother hurting you, all my life. I kept trying to please her, trying to make her proud of me, trying to make her love me, trying to just GET ALONG with her, all of my life. I finally gave up, in 2006, when she was RUDE to me when I called to tell her that my baby grandson had died. That was my “final straw.” So, I stopped calling her. Stopped writing her. Stopped sending her Christmas cards. I didn’t stop in to see her when I was coming back through her home town, on my way back from my grandson’s funeral. I just… STOPPED.

A few weeks ago my mother sent me a 60+ page hate letter. She is not on the computer, and did not mention anything about what I’ve been writing online about her, in her letter, so that is not what provoked it. (I haven’t used her name nor have I been using my own full name, UNTIL THIS WEEK when I decided to add my maiden name to my blog and my facebook). So my point is, my mother’s latest LONG hate letter was not provoked by the fact that I have been writing online about her horrible abuse… she doesn’t know that I have been writing online about her, or else she would surely have jumped down my throat in that long letter, for doing it. No, she just wrote this latest hate letter becasue she felt like it… I guess because I have been ignoring her since 2006, and she thought the way to end my ignoring of her, was to shoot me full of wholes by firing a big cannon at me…

My mother not only sent me 60+ pages telling me off for everything in my entire life that she thinks is “wrong” about me, she also sent a copy of her hate letter, to her sister, my aunt. My aunt and I have become close over the past 14 years and apparently my mother thought that she could make my aunt hate me, by sending her the letter that spells out in detail every thing that is “wrong” with me.

But my aunt, who has always loved her own two imperfect children UNCONDITIONALLY, who always focuses on their awesome good qualities, and not on their negative qualities, was appalled that my mother would write such a horrible hateful letter to me. So my aunt wrote my mother back, telling her off in a classy way, and “divorced” her.

I am telling you this, Joy, because I want you to SEE that HATEFUL ABUSIVE SELF-CENTERED SELFISH MOTHERS DO NOT CHANGE. My mother is in her late 70s now, and I am in my late 50s, and she is treating me just as badly as she treated me when I was a little girl, and she was a very young woman. She will not change.

Please take care of YOU, Joy. I hope you will soon be able to just turn your mother over to God, and live your own life, without her. Without her in your life, and without her in your head!

While you are alive… LIVE. Live in peace, live in love, live in beauty, live in JOY. The Bible says, “…though your mother may forget you, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”

JOY ~ YOU ARE LOVED. You were created by God, made in God’s own image. You are no less valuable and worthy, than any other human being ever created. You are engraved on the palms of your heavenly father’s hands. YOU ARE LOVED.



PS~ Joy, I meant to say that my mother’s latest 60+ page hate letter was her way of trying to shoot me full of HOLES, not wholes. Duh. 😉

Here is the scripture that has given me so much comfort. I hope it will also comfort you:

Isaiah 49:15-16 (NIV)
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has born?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”


If this isn’t a set up for abuse, i don’t know what is, and it is taught to the masses! My husband said that even Hitler wouldn’t want these boot lickers!

And whoever says it in the most creative way wins the most followers.

“If you are blessed enough to be aligned with a servant-leader who demonstrates true Biblical authority, honour them, support them, and submit to them. But don’t expect them to cover you – that’s not theirs to give.

False doctrines are mindsets and beliefs that can only be cast down by the Spirit and the Word together. And ultimately, our walk in is the Spirit is not the responsibility of leadership; it is our own responsibility. It is time for each one of us to choose – do we want the rulership of kings, or do we want the rulership of THE King?

(Which is US, not God)

Finally, let me leave you with these thoughts:
(Rhetorical questions–none of this is real thought!)
1) Who covered Philip when He went down to Samaria and started a revival? (The apostles heard about it and sent Peter and John down to check it out!) (Acts 8:4-8)

2) Who covered Philip when the angel of the Lord directed him to the Gaza desert? (Acts 8:26-40) (There’s no record of the Ethiopian eunuch asking him for his “covering” credentials!)

3) Who covered Ananias when he was sent to pray for Saul? (He went to pray for a known enemy of the church and didn’t even get permission!) (Acts 9:10-18)

4) Who covered Apollos when he taught boldly in the synagogue, even though he had not yet received the full gospel? (Acts 18:24-25)

5) And who covered Aquilla and Priscilla when they took Apollos under their wing to instruct him further? (Acts 18:26)

6) Who covered Agabus when he traveled down from Judea to deliver a prophetic word to Paul? (Acts 21:10)

The answer is the same in each instance: The Holy Spirit covered, protected, led, and enabled. He is the only covering we need. The real question is this: is He the only covering we want? —–Cheryl McGrath

I don’t know Cheryl McGrath, but I grew up in this kind of thinking, more and more as I became an adult. Thank GOD I didn’t marry into it. Someone once said that they would rather be with an arrogant man than with a follower. That is what I did. that was its sad story.

But this stuff is sick and needs to be exposed for what it is. It is one reason why it


hit submit accidentally,

it is one thing that made it so hard for me to ever stand up to my parents.

Darlene, oh yeah, thanks for the reminder about early bedtime and the Narc mom! YES! LONG nights not being able to go to sleep and wondering if I would ever have a life. LONELY as I was an only for five years, and then it is like my sister and I didn’t have many experiences in common ever. I would sit on the corner of my bed and bounce and sing for at least an hour every night. Would I be allowed to grow up? Or have to stay in bed my whole life?


Because I was not just standing up to my parents, by the time I finally did, but I was standing up to THEIR whole support system! THE CHURCH!!! and in a small town, that is huge!


The rain falls on the good and the evil. You are not undeserving, Joy. I don’t know if you will ever have all that you want but I do believe that,someday, it will be better. Life will never be perfect but we can learn to weather the storms and we can recover from the storms in life that have been devastating.

You are worthy. You are loved.




That’s a beautiful scripture.


Oh precious Darlene, this reminds me of my “in-laws” as my own blessed mother and father were quite long dead at the time of the birth of my last two children. I was told the exact same thing, bed rest, no company, and what did my idiot husband do? Had his lazy and selfish sisters come right over the day after I was released from the hospital. My milk wouldn’t let down so my daughter got severely dehydrated, and had to be taken to the doctor. I felt so guilty at that happening, and all they’d do was sit and stare at me as I’d nurse her as though it were some spectator sport, my nipples were raw and my toes would curl and dig into the carpet as I tried so hard to feed her. My heart breaks into pieces reading this. My inner critical parent wants to relive that time, and be there for you, and stand up to that bitch for you, throw her out on her ignorant ass. Our children and their births should be peaceful times, letting us nest and bond, not have to fight for dear life. Hugs you, understandingly.


I agree, I just don’t think they are ignorant; they want to detroy, and enjoy the process. Hope you don’t think i am nit-piccking….


it might be nice if I could spell, though!LOL
I think that they know what they are doing, they know it gets to you, that it is not how they would treat themselves, they intend on destroying you (not with guns, with words and actions, a slow death, etc)


To all about my faith at the moment:

I don’t know that I am ready to subscribe just to one particular faith based system yet.
I know many find all their answers in scriptures; but I feel there are other faiths that are
also equally good and wholesome. I respect all the quotes given me but also acknowledge am trying to come to know what it is I believe inside me about God, The Universe and the DIvine.
All my life only one set of rules and belief was thrust upon me; so I am at the point that I want to think for myself and come to know for myself what it is I believe. I know in my heart I have strong
convictions about faith but am also open to other beliefs. I am at the point that I believe there is good to be gleened from every faith.. truth to be found in every belief system. Which one I am subscribing to, making my own is evolving. I am happy that now I am able to choose.
Think about it there are so many devout hindus, muslims, christians, pagans, atheists. Each faith is convinced that they have their truth. For me, where I am . I say let everyone follow their heart and be open to know that truth is freeing and enlightening. The closer we come to the light and the truth; the more we are able to respect the truth each person embraces as their own.


Hi Rachel!
Wow… typical! Even though my reaction to hearing stuff like this is always “who would do that”.. I have been talking about this long enough to know that it is typical in a dysfunctional system! WOW. thanks for sharing.
The rest of your post made me SMILE !! I can just see you giving my mother a piece of your mind! !!!
Hugs, Darlene

I am so proud of YOU. This is what recovery is ~ to stand up and realize that we have a right to think for ourselves! That we can make some new decisions. That we have some INVESTIGATING to do before we make those decisions. I put my “faith” and all the teachings I had tried so hard to adhere to, aside for at least 2 full years in my process of recovery. I didn’t think about it, I just had to set it all aside. When I recovered from all the brainwashing of abuse, depressions and the rest of it, I looked at what I believed again through the NEW eyes that I now had. One of the things about abuse and dysfunctional systems is that we are never allowed to think for ourselves… and it is so important to take that back! You can make your own decisions and choices and you should!
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Everyone

Our very own PAM, (the Pam who is commenting on this thread! ) is guest posting this weekend on EFB. She wrote a lovely article called

To be Objectified is to be Dehumanized by Pam Witzemann I hope you read it and help Pam feel welcome!
it is a wonderful post!
Hugs, Darlene


Thank you Darlene

For you encouraging words. .I am exactly where you say you were at the beginning of your healing . at the investigative stage. I have always wanted to stand up for people of other faiths as a child but never dared lest I get backhanded across my mouht. NOw I am free and in my freedom I choose to just stand in awe and respect for peoples right to choose what they want to believe and what they do not. I respect that everyone will find their way and ask patience as I try to find mine . It’s a great feeling to know I don’t have to just accept things because I am told to; that I have a right to choose and that I have a right to take as much time as I want in doing so. I believe that respect is something that we can give to one another and that enables each person freedom to be who they want and encourages them to grow at their own pace. … thanks for all your encouragement Darlene. thanks to everyone here for their understandding and thanks to my T who also is in the background working very tirelessly on my healing as well. Everyone working together to create healing is so beauiful..love you all ( if that’s ok to say) joy


Joy, you are very welcome for the list of books about healing the inner child.

Kate, that bronchitis is a sadness illness makes perfect sense to me. When I left home the bronchitis stopped. When I started dealing with the hurt, anger and sadness of my childhood, I got bronchitis. I have had bronchitis once since then. Will have to think back to what what was going on a few years ago to see why I got bronchitis then. Thanks for that information, Kate.


Joy, comment #72, very beautifully said. I, too, had religion FORCED down my throat as a child… my dad was the preacher of our church. My very mentally ill, very abusive dad. My mother to this day thinks that being holy means beating people over the head with the Bible.

As a result, I was stuanchly agnostic for many decades. It has only been in the past 8 years, since I turned 50, that I have called myself a believing Christian. However, after what I went through with my parents, I would never try to force my beliefs on anyone. I also do not personally believe that God wrote the Bible, I believe that MAN wrote the Bible. I also respect everyone’s right to chose their own beliefs, or disbeliefs… I think it is the height of ignorance, rudeness, and arrogance, for anyone to think that their beliefs are the only TRUE beliefs. I believe what I believe… but I have believed differently in the past, and I have had many of my pet beliefs, over the years, to be shattered… so who am I to say that my beliefs cannot possibly be wrong?

I am sorry if my sharing of the verse from Isaiah offended you. I shared it because it is one of the relatively few verses in the Bible that I believe may have been God-inspired, and it gives ME comfort. I was only trying to share my comfort, with you.




I do appreciate the quotes .. please know this.. there is good in all ..I just felt need to share that right now am learning…discovering.. investigating.. I appreciate your support Lynda..please know this..

(hugs) if ok



Dear Joy,
I have been reading your comments for a while now and I think you are awesome and amazing and WONDERFUL. To be so thoughtful, to be so intelligent, to be so kind, and so incredibly resilient, after the HELL you have been through!!! WOW. You are terrific, and your hugs are most definitely OK wth me. Thank You!!




That is the only right thing to do. Someone else’s faith will do you no good. You have to make it your own. I can’t think of a bettr place for you to start.



I am a mother and grand mother of a new born baby. I had an abusive, overpowering mother who kept reminding us what a martyr she was bringing up the 3 of us alone.Through therapy I realised just how verbally and emotionally abusive my mother had been,how nasty she had been to my children(jealousy??) and how she burdened me with guilt and a sense of responsibility for her.
Through my adult years my solution to so much control was to live far away – at once point across the ocean.Once my children grew up I didn’t want them to experience feeling responsible for me as I had felt burdened by my mother so I got on with my life but being somewhat distanced. I didn’t ask much in terms of visits/phone calls etc and even remarried in another country.

Partly because of them settling down to family life I have returned to the UK. But now there is a distance which I am trying to bridge but no matter how hard I try I seem to get it wrong. Offers of help are seen as interference and control. I actually feel a little afraid – I seem to get criticised a lot and attempts to explain myself are not really accepted. My children seem keen enough to use me when they need me but I don’t feel welcome unless I’m being useful. Actually coming around to see me or visit isn’t on their list of things they do.
I’m writing this because all of you are quick to see the mistakes your mothers made – as did – but maybe you also need to look at the patterns of relating so your poor relationships with your mother don’t in some subtle way affect the way you treat your children. In my attempt not to be like my mother I went the other way of being distant and now my children don’t seem to want to have much to do with me.


Hi Jackie,
I am so sorry that you struggle with the relationships that you have with your children and I think that many here are trying to do just as you suggest; to be aware of the ways that we are relating to our children so as NOT to make the same mistakes that were made with us. Many parents, as you say, go the opposite direction as the parent they had, and yet still do the same damage. And I also see (and have written many posts about ) the relational history from my grandmother, to my mother, to myself.

You mention that “all of you are quick to see the mistakes your mothers made” but I don’t think that is true. It took me years to realize all of this stuff. There is not really anything quick about it. I am willing to work things out with my mother but she isn’t. I wonder why she isn’t. It sounds like you are willing to try to have real relationship with your children. Have you tried to explain to them what you have explained to me? It took a few years for my children to trust that things really were different now, when I went through my process of healing and the process of healing that my marriage had to also go through. I (we both) had to “prove” with actions that our intentions really were love based without any motive. My husband went through this much worse then I did, and many times we were frustrated by how our actions were misinterpreted by the kids, but we always had to realize that this was the result of history and we had to let the kids heal in their own time. I have touched on this in my blog posts also. I know that this is hard.

Thanks for sharing here Jackie.
Hugs, Darlene


Sorry – I understand what you mean about how long it takes to recognise the damage – I was 60 before I realised my relationship problems related to my upbringing. I was asking for some recognition that sometimes mothers like me do recognise we were often in the wrong but would like to be met part way in putting things right. I would really appreciate some reading material on how to communicate better.

I have apologised for not being the best parent in the past. However since all three kids are full grown, successfully working with their own careers and have never been in any trouble of any kind I can’t help feeling I did an OK job most of the time.They have seemingly longterm stable relationships so far – 10 and 8 years for the older two. The youngest having split up after 3 years with his girlfriend.

I’ll give an example of a recent interchange. My daughter recounted an incident where she heard the baby crying out but decided to leave her for 5 minutes while she finished a task. (She and her husband have several books where the emphasis seems to be on ‘training’ the baby to prevent bad habits forming. Last week at the clinic baby’s weight is not what it should be and I have carefully NOT even hinted at the fact that they have stuck to feeding schedules and given baby a dummy rather than a feed on occasions).Anyway by the time she picked the baby up baby was seriously upset and dificult to console. I responded by suggesting ‘Perhaps she felt lonely’. I’m trying hard NOT to make too many suggestions around my beliefs that babies are not manipulative and their crying usually means something needs seeing to. My daughter’s reaction was to get angry and tell me ‘Thanks Mum, I don’t need you to make me feel worse’. I responded later in the day with an email explaining I had not meant to make her feel guilty but that I had noticed the books on training baby to fit in, and nothing on baby’s emotional needs so I was trying to suggest what maybe baby was feeling on waking alone in her cot.I got a long angry email back. I replied later in the day with a link I found to an article on mother daughter relationships which highlighted the fact that daughter’s think they are being criticised and mothers feel they are being accused of criticism when they are trying to help and maybe its just misunderstanding but I didn’t mean to offend.

I’ve been ignored since – her brother (my son)is visiting her today and I was expecting to be invited over for a few hours. I phoned this afternoon to be sheepishly told – ‘Oh I won’t make it to see you today’. Its only a half hour drive away and I have dropped what I am doing to go over on several occasions when she has been struggling. I just feel kept at arms length except when she needs physical help of some sort. At middle child’s wedding a few weeks ago she was happy for me to babysit for an evening which meant I didn’t get to mix with everyone else in the hotel even though I was mother of the groom.And I did agonise over whether son would feel I was putting daughter’s needs first and maybe he would have prefered his mother around.
I just feel I am constantly trying to do the right thing and its never good enough. To be honest it often feels like it did when I was a child – whatever I do isn’t good enough – in the same way that I failed to meet my mother’s expectations as a child now I am failing to meet my childrens’ expectations.


Hi Jackie
I actually thought I was recognizing you for your willingness, I really heard that you are, and wish that my own mother had this attitude or even a spark of it. My heart goes out to you, for all the situations that you write about in this comment. I cringed when I read that your daughter believes that babies are manipulative. I was trying to tell you how long it took for my husband and I to gain the trust of our children in this process, as we had made them feel less value then us before we found freedom from our own pasts. There are mothers who want to mend the relationships, but I don’t write from that perspective, (even though I am a mother) because when doing this work for the first three years in person and not in writing, I quickly realized that all healing has to start with the individual and go out from there AND because as I said the children don’t trust the changes for a long time… even years. SO I decided to write about things from the child perspective. I have total empathy for my mother as I know she was devalued the same way growing up and beyond, as I was… but I don’t write from the perspective that you are asking for ~
I hope this clarifies a bit more. Perhaps my writing will help you to look more deeply at your own history and at the same time understand some of the division you are feeling with your own children, and in time those relationships will heal. That is my hope for all.
by the way, I do understand what you mean when you say that it feels the same as when you were a child.
Hugs, Darlene


I had my third baby while living at my Mother’s. I was going to have a home birth because I can’t take the kids to the hospital, my husband was away at basic training in Quebec and couldn’t come home. My Mother wouldn’t watch them during the labor (my sister and her bf and eventually my elderly Grandmother did). My son ended up as a double footling breech. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, had an emergency c-section (didn’t even have time for a spinal tap) and all I remember was trying to calm the midwife down, my Mother complaining at how long it would take, realizing they were listening to her and said she was worried about me.

2 days later I came home, my children still wearing the same clothes as the day I left, imagine that. I wasn’t supposed to vacuum, drive, stand to make supper anything for at least 2 weeks to heal. My Mother decided that the toilet on the main floor (the one I used and had to come up from the basement to use) HAD to be replaced and that took 2 weeks to get the landlord there, etc. I had to clean for that, carrying heavy things, vacuuming. I cooked supper for my kids, everything. The midwives were worried and even tried contacting the family center in the military to see if there was anything they could do to help get us out. I ended moving out a month after. My husband got time off of his training and came home for a week to move us. Then he went back and I was alone except for weekends when he came home. I’m tired of thinking of her.


Hi J.
This is exactly what I am talking about! Good grief! What a fog storm. It is amazing to me just how many of these kinds of stories there are! (millions!)
Thanks for sharing this, I am glad you are here.
Hugs, Darlene


Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. I am so sorry that you did not have the mother you deserved. I identify with this story so much, it saddens my heart. I rarely choke up reading someone’s blog, but this really got to me. My mother is here right now. I live about 2,000 miles away now. My husband had to go away on business and I needed help at home with the kids. My babysitter (and the backup sitter!) both couldn’t accommodate my work schedule this week (I leave for work at around 6am two days per week). So I called my mother. She came, “to see the children,” but made me pay for her ticket (she is very well off, living off of an inheritance and my grandmother, bless her heart, is still alive and pays all of her bills). But yet, I still have to also hire the sitter this week, too. It’s because I can’t trust her with the children. She is irresponsible and selfish. They were only alone with her for 2 hrs both days, and those 2 hrs were nervewracking for me. I don’t have anyone else I can call, though. She is it.
I was abused very badly by my brother growing up. He is 6 years older than me. She would witness the verbal and physical abuse. I believe she knew about the sexual abuse, too, and turned a blind eye. She would warn me to stay away from him, “Or you’re gonna get it.” She facilitated the abuse by leaving me alone with him all the time. Even when she was at home, she would lock herself in the bedroom and leave him in charge. He would often molest me right in the next room. Just this past year, I was invited to attend a therapy session with her psychologist. In that session, she admitted to ignoring the physical abuse. She also rationalized her behavior to her therapist, “Well, Melody was quite a brat growing up, so she had it coming most of the time.” He did not correct her. I was livid. I really let her have it. She still refuses to take any responsibility for her role in the abuse, and still minimizes the impact on me. She also plays the victim: “You don’t know how this has affected me!” Even my aunt sides with her, “It must have hurt her so much, look at how unstable she is now.” I also found out why nothing was ever done, when I told our family counselor (as a teenager) about the abuse. She struck a secret deal with the therapist at the time — if my brother were to move out of the house, perhaps they wouldn’t file a report with child protective services?? The therapist agreed, and nothing was ever done to help me. In fact, it was never mentioned again, as I was accused at that time of lying. Making it up to get attention, because my mother had a new boyfriend moving in and I didn’t like her spending less time with me. I was 14 years old.
I really wonder if she has done more harm to me, than my abusive brother.

Thank you for writing this. I am going to go ruminate on this topic on my blog: soulsnatching.wordpress.com


Hi Melody
I am glad that this resonated with you. This stuff is really hard, I know. I have written a lot about how the “fog” in my relationship with my mother and my family got cracked open so that I could see the damage this type of relationship did to me. I was totally invalidated and devalued. It was in seeing that that I was able to validate ME and heal. I deserved/deserve better ~ every human being does.
Hugs, Darlene


Thank you, Darlene. I wish I had a manual for how to heal. I have been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life, but I’ve never been able to muster up any sort of great change in how I feel. I’m in awe of how you’ve been able to do this. I’m hoping to find some clarity in myself, through witnessing your story. Thank you. -Melody


This blog could be seen as a pre manual! (I am going to work on some more instructional type products soon) I had to really look at the truth about how I was regarded. I had to validate myself through realizing how I was invalidating. I kept making excuses for everyone ~ believing that ‘they’ were right. But they were wrong.
Hugs, Darlene


[…] this big deal about wanting to “be there for me” and how hopeful that I was that she was “finally going to be “My Mother” and then how it turned out to be such a disaster to have her there, I give an example of how my […]


Hi Everyone;
I wrote a follow up post to this one, explaining some insights that I had about this event through a dream. Please read it and comment and if you feel like commenting feel free.

You can read it here: Domestic Violence Dream Triggers a Realization
Hugs, Darlene


Yes yes Darlene, so familiar. My mom would make comments like why hasn’t SO and so called me they know I have a sick daughter, she would take 3 days to do a load of laundry and then leave them wet n stinky moldy. I asked her to make soup n she said you can make it and then told me to make enough for her. my friends and other family members were so helpful thankfully, but she would try to tell them what to bring her to eat etc.
She told me one of my dresses appeared at her house and she was going to wear it to the hospital.
This is one of four jersey material dresses that I always wore during recovering from the fist surgery .
This shed such light in everything. Now my ex boyfriend , I feel lately like I’m going nuts everything is being turned on me. I’m even questioning if I’m the abuser, why is it so hard for me to stop contact . even though he finds me again but I am so confused I respond to him . losing my job yesterday because of my med problems isn’t helping because I’m coping w the wrong things


Hi Joan
I questioned myself constantly. Being told (in words or in actions) for years makes a person think perhaps it it true that “I am the probelm” and that is why doing the work to look at the truth is so important and looking at the details ~ like you are sharing here, is so important too.
Hang in there… Hugs, Darlene


Thanks Darlene, for your response. That is so thoughtful of u to Write to my post. Your blog had been so life changing.
I am working everyday harder on labeling my emotions ( its hard for me to know what emotion I’m really feeling)
Today I noticed even w being let of my job I kept saying poor them , this must have been tough on them..
Like I woke up!!! N said wait I’m worried about their feelings and ignoring mine.. Aha moment
So much abuse ( yikes took me a while to write abuse.. I wanted to call it something else, mayb prettier) lol
Happened to me growing up, my dad was so controlling and I rem beatings with cable tv cords , school was the only place we could go. My mom and the names she use to call me n the kneeling on uncooked rice and broom sticks. I was their slave, I have ADHD n back then “I just wouldn’t listen or she would call me mentally disabled but she used the old word.. I was a wh..re, I was the cause of all problems and she did a good job of making sure I knew that I was stupid bcux I was letting the little but of friends I had use me for money.. Not true !
She taught us well how not to trust anyone n isolation.


Hi Joan,
This is horrible. All of what happened to you is extremely abusive. There is hope for healing! You are on the road! Keep sharing!
Hugs, Darlene


My battle with the emotionally abusive exboyfriend has me a little down
My counselor says just don’t contact back n I exPlain i can’t stop
It’s part fear and if she hasn’t been there she can’t understand that I need more than just don’t do it.
I feel like a fool, then the things he does make my anxiety go way up Flashbacks
I know it takes practice, I just don’t want to get to the low point where he wants me so I can act Out in anger.. Same old same ol. I thought I was gonna get even with him for the past , in turn the joke is on me


How do I stop seeing myself as his victim , sorry if thats a hard question.
I try to remind myself it’s about him not me, he is miserable and not good socially and I’m a social butterfly. I hate the fact that somehow he gets me to devuldge eg things about myself and then agrees w me , only at the beginning did he reveal some BIG issues w himself but now denies them .. Of course.
I’m trying to figure out like you what the root of this is for me


Hi Joan,
The root for me was in childhood and not in my present relationships. It has to do with figuring out why I was comfortable with being treated like crap. Healing has to do with self love and self validation after years of having none. I had to believe that I was worth more before I was able to just “go no contact” ~ It is a big process but it is doable!
Hugs, Darlene


Ok I got it! Before my second traumatic surgeries I was doing good n not bothering w him, I was learning how to love me now it’s like I forgot all of it, I even remember telling someone else the same u told me. I don’t even like him I think .. I have so much anger. Thank u I will keep working 🙂 God Bless You, I’m working on seeing that God doesn’t think I’m bad either. N y does the ex bother contacting me if I supposly cuz so much stress, hmmm they contradict themselves. Lol


Just figured something out 🙂
I had lipgloss on one day when I was 14- wasn’t aloud makeup or big earrings urggg!!!!’
 Slapped in the face and called a whore by the father who had another family while still married to ur mom… Hmmm
Who was the whore.? As my mother sat right next to me andThen told by ur mom that you messed up  
Her so call marriage! 


This is the kind of thing I am talking about! Exactly. WHO was the whore and those kinds of realizations really helped to set me free. They don’t live by the rules they set and their judgements don’t apply to them.
Hugs, Darlene


That was huge for me Darlene, I have to figure out what to do with all this anger boiling up
Lol … I always use being everyone’s clown or laughing at every emotion I have


OMG Darlene, I can empathize with your pain so much!…My mom was not really “There For Me” either, during both my pregnancies. I was also in my thirties too. With the first pregnancy I had an emergency C-section after 17 hrs of labor, which progressed only 1/2 way to the birthing process. By this time, I was exhausted & my baby’s heart rate was stressed. So, the reason for the C-section. Anyway, the C-section was hard to recover from & i was doing my best to take care of the baby & myself. My mom brought me some food & visited twice tops! My husband only stayed home for 2 days, after I came home from the hospital!…I asked him to stay home, but he was so concerned about his job. I was felt so exhausted & alone.

I also asked my mom to come by, in the evenings, but she always had the excuse of working & too tired to do anything. Well, i just felt so alone & sad..i did not know then, that I was suffering from postpartum depression and I was off my meds, because i did not want the baby to any side effects. Well long story short, I was in survival mode & going through the motions…I was able to stay home at the time, which I think helped me to not have any additional stress.

After 6 months or so went by, my husband wanted me to go back to work. I went back part-time, when my son was about 9 months. My mom did agree to watch my son once a week for a few hours. This worked for her, because SHE got to pick the day. Luckily, my boss was flexible in that he just wanted me to work one evening shift, so the day my mom picked worked for me too. Anyway, she quickly complained about the one day. I don’t even remember her excuse/reason at the time, just that I was disappointed again & had that sinking feeling you describe.

About 6 months into the job, I decided to get a full-time job to make more money, and at this point, my mom said the once a week babysitting was not working for HER. So needless to say, I did not understand why she could be so selfish. I did not know then, that she had many Narcissistic traits. I came to this conclusion years later,after my second child was born. I ended up getting daycare and it’s hard to find a good one…I went through two, before I found a good daycare/preschool for my son.

In the mean time, my mom would tell me it’s better to be home with your child, like she did when I was young. Well, this did not sit well with me, because SHE was not offering any support. I did not stand up for myself then, so I took it. Over the years she has questioned, why I never let my son stay over night and that she doesn’t see him enough. Well, I was busy struggling to work full-time & take care of my baby without HER support. Then, when I did see her, she would make rude comments about how i didn’t dress him warmly and nit picked many things I did. I so wanted her to be my mom & grandmother, that I overlooked a lot of her rude/sarcastic behavior!

Well fast forward to 6 1/2 years later, when I had my second child, I also had a C-section but this time, it was scheduled & I was rested. It was like night & day from my first baby. I also knew what to expect, after surgery so I was prepared. Anyway, i was still working full-time and asked my mom to come by for a couple of hours just 2 days, during the week. Well, she said “maybe” & took a few days to say, SHE was “too tired after work” & needs to be “home to cook for my father”. Again, my needs were being discarded. My husband planned to stay home longer this time, since i did not let him forget what i went through the first time, on my own.

So after all my rambling above, I can not count on my mother. I did ask her to make some suppers for me, after coming home from the hospital, and she did. However, that does not erase the fact that she wasn’t there for me when I needed her!..Years later, when my sister had her first baby, my mom was right there waiting at the hospital and saw my nephew right after birth. That is not what bothered me,it was the fact that she made a comment, while I was in my sister’s room, that my sister was “strong” to have a baby the natural way. ( I forgot the exact words but I got the message!)I told my dad & he said…she wasn’t talking about me..My mom says things with no regard to MY feelings!

She also told me later, that “some woman are not suppose to have babies”, after I talked to her about my C-section. I’m not to blame for that or am I less worthy of being a mother, because I had C-sections!…I had no choice, my son’s health was in jeopardy!..There was no encouragement or pat on the back about how STRONG I was!…As I write about this now, I’m teary eyed…It’s so hurtful to acknowledge the emotional harm her words have had on me! Even though, I stand up to her today and call her on things, I’m still there to offer encouraging words & I call to ask about her sickness (Diabetes)!

I could throw it in her face about how She is Less Than, because of her illness, but that’s not how I am. I have a heart!….Sorry for venting again, this post has me triggering everywhere and brings up memories with my dear old mom!
Thanks for listening,
Sincerely, SMD


It is important to get this stuff out. I vented and wrote volumes when I was coming out of the MOM fog. I can relate to much of your story here.
Keep sharing. (as often and as much as you like ~ it is fine with me) I am glad you are here.
hugs, Darlene


Something I guess has been a trigger for me this week, I am only sleeping 3 hours a night. I’ve been hyper with strong emotions and now my sisters are mad at me because I have been “posting too much on fbook and acting to teenageish” . They know I go thru these circles since my appendix was rupture for 3 days in my body and I have had 3 major surgeries since then!!!!!! I would never treat them like that
Do they think that shaming me is realibg helping , I feel worst now I’m getting down n feeling guilt for something I can’t control. They say I’m faking it!!! And the exbiyfriend triggers too, flashbacks urg
I am trying to stop the shame bcux it’s not going to help me
My old boss picked up all my work stuff today that made me sad


My mom came over on Thursday with all her drama and twisted ways


Hi Joan
Something that helped me in the sorting out process was to realize that I did not have to justify myself to anyone. I could say what I wanted ~ I am an adult. Another thing I started doing is saying it. I asked my family why they felt they could speak to me in those ways. I started to speak those thoughts to them. They were stunned. Why do they get to define YOUR behaviour? The shame is not yours.
Hang in there.
Hugs, Darlene


Thanks again Darlene for your support. It means so much to me, that you respond. I can relate to so much of what you & others say on this site!…No doubt, I could write a book on my dysfunctional family, but I’ll take it one post at a time. Like they say in AA, “One day at a time”. I’m just grateful, that I have a place to share!…I look forward to getting to all the individuals on EFB. Thanks everyone!…..Sincerely, SMD


Oops I messed up & meant to say, I look forward to getting to know all the individuals on EFB. Sincerely, SMD


Something that helped me in the sorting out process was to realise that i did not have to justify myself to anyone….I could say what i wanted…

Wow even to believe that seems entirely too much. If I was hurt then stood up to say I was hurt and angry at being hurt then I would have to go back and apologise to the person for hurting them…by having the temerity to voice my mind.. I still find it really hard.. to the point when slammed with projected stuff and feeling in the gut it wasa wrong.. I would then buy it.. it takes a long time to find freedom from this.

Dont they say somewhere that in dealing with a Narcissist they tread on your toe. you say ouch and they end up blaming you for upsetting them.

There is so much to digest here…i do think spoiling is a form of abuse because there can be spoiling neglect.. the child does not learn a sense of competence…growing up Mum would take things from me I didnt do well (for a school sewing project) and then tell me to pass it off as my own work…. this isnt a good recipe for honesty or a feeling of competence.

Anyway I am just so moved by some of the pain and lack of support others have suffered and know my parent did try to be there as much as they could… there was just so much going down in my family that at times there was no where to turn to……and Mum and Dads needs came first when we were young…

I think Mum has tried to make up for it now… but I have an elder sister in a clinic on drugs now cause when her anger over neglect sufered came to a head no one but me would hear it and I am so ashamed to say at the time I did not really realise what was happening…as this sister could also be cruel, demeaning and abrasive…..

I feel sad over my own selfish times and relate to having a bad headspace at times due to not having had my own needs met so difficulty in pulling on others in relationships.. but I have been willing to learn…..

Anyway this is amazing to be able to hear so much of others pain and struggles my heart goes out to everyone.. only seeing this a bit far down the track… but feel so blessed to have found this website.. thanks again Darlene you are a blessing to this earth xo


Thanks for sharing Deborah,
For me the process was huge. It took time and it was complicated but as long as I kept going forward and was willing to look at things, I made progress.
Remember that we are looking at the damage caused without making excuses for the damagers. It doesn’t matter if they meant to or not. If there was damage there needs to be healing.
I am glad you found this website too!!
Hugs, Darlene



I wish I could say I’m surprised at your mother’s behavior. I’m not. My mother completely overshadowed the birth of my daughter with her own drama. I understanding the time it takes to finally stop going back for more before you “get it” and just stop looking for the relationship with and love of your mother. I call it banging my head against the moon. I am so much happier that I have accepted the loss of not having a mother. It’s so much easier to deal with than putting your hands in the fire repeatedly.

I’m so sorry she did that to you. I’m sure she thinks you did something awful to her. Good thing we know better 🙂


Hi Cat
Yes, the truth set me free from the prison of her belief system. The birth of my daughter was the first time I ever stood up to her in anyway like that. Where I did what was best for me. I felt horrible about it at the time. I felt all the things she always accused me of; that I was selfish, that I was a terrible daughter, that I was disrespectful and self centered. Looking back on this event and the truth about it to this day has been HUGE when it comes to the truth about our relationship.
Hugs, Darlene


Yes my mom went on and on about how much trouble I have caused her too. She even said she had to do it alone when she had kids, no one helped her so why should I get any help and didn’t. But later she saw a perfect son, and saw how I must have done something right in my life, she loved my son. later though, in front of my small kids, she went into screaming about things I did as a baby… and I calmly said noting till one day she called me stupid in front of my sons and she even tried to hit me. I pushed her back and told her I would never stay over unless someone else was there with me. She told me to remember that…as though she heard differently or what she wanted to hear, as though what I said was bad. I was careful to not say anything that would mean forever. Mom even went on about how I got spanked as a baby, and the stuff she recalled has me wondering how I survived. I mean really bad verbal and physical abuse growing up. BUT before she died of cancer we became friends, she even said she loved me on the phone. I was suppose to be there for her, but her sister took over and it was all about her sister now. Mom always hated her sister and could hardly wait to get away from her bully mother in her earlier years too. They treated my mom the way mom treated me, except my mother wanted me to have what she never had… and basically controlled everything I did and why I was such a disappointment I guess. Being controlled, and screamed at or beaten for not appreciating her control was horrible. Least we became friends before the end. But mom caught cancer right where I pushed her back(not hard just to get her away)I have felt guilt for her death ever since. And before my mom died my mothers sister never wanted me there, took control, even kept me away from picking out her plot. She bad mouthed me to everyone and spent moms money freely. My aunt said I wasn’t needed so I wasn’t there for mom when she died. People all shunned me, it was so weird as I saw why my mother was the way she was with me. Other terrible things went on with my life at that time too, a sicko creep abused me and my sons the day we got married and he wouldn’t leave… all masked behind religion and bad mouthing me too. I realized why mom was the way she was, having a alcoholic husband who fooled around and never home. When dad came home drunk, she told him to sleep in my bed since he loved me so much… imagine? He never touched me,never… but he at least said he loved me. I wish the bad lies would stop, even today, the lies so others dont look bad from people who control and manipulate. Least I found my mother in the end. At least I knew she loved me from all the times she showed me love the only way she knew how and I didn’t understand before. When my son was born, she came to the hospital with a gift for me, not just the baby and explained that it was important I looked after me too. When my son was a toddler we did mother daughter things, she loved my son sooo much. She hand made everything for my sons, she made sure I wasn’t wearing rags when pregnant, she taught me to look after myself. My son taught her that spanking wasn’t necessary because my son was so well behaved and perfect without it. She really gave me a lot of material things that said she loved me all along and understood… it took so long before we really appreciated each other and became close. It took a death, and I miss her now, especially when my son got married. She loved my son, and it was my son who really taught us both about love by being born. I really wish I had my mom to call automatically when something happened again. I wore her jewelry when I came to my sons wedding. Funny how family dynamics work, as Ive kept distant from family. Now the new family have all heard from my x and who knows what was said because his family always hated me for taking their son away. There was distance, meanwhile my immediate family were always open armed and friendly with him and his family. So weird to still see a man lie to protect his real self… but my sons know the truth. The cycle repeats itself, and my older son is caught in the middle. Another story. I miss my mom, and wish we could have been friends sooner. I’m the same age as her when she died. So many things broken because of peoples egos and past. What does it take, for families to be happy? I morn for my sons, who deserved so much better than to be with a mother that was unable to be stronger for them.

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