Dec
08

My Hungry Heart ~ Part 1 of 3

By

Nature abhors a vacuum. I believe the same is true for our souls, our hearts. We’re created with roots that go deep, roots always seeking for nourishment to grow, to stay alive, with the potential to thrive.

When people learn about my struggle with depression, they are usually surprised. When I started seeing a counselor a 3 years ago, I didn’t understand it myself. I just knew that I was in great angst. I was doing a job that I wasn’t enjoying, but I felt so conflicted about whether or not to continue. I felt guilty about most everything. I was highly anxious in social situations. I was angry, but couldn’t figure out a reason to be (and therefore felt guilty about being angry). I had this tightness inside me all the time. For so long I had sought the counsel of other people, family, teachers, friends, relatives, and mentors. I couldn’t make my own decisions. I bounced back and forth between flying high (because of some outside circumstance that boosted my self esteem momentarily) or scrounging in the pits of despair, or muddling somewhere in between.

I was so afraid of giving up. I had this deep down feeling of wanting to be who I was really made to be, of fulfilling some kind of purpose, and was so sad at the thought of wasting my life. But I couldn’t figure out how to live differently. I would think, “Why is this so hard for me? What’s my problem?” The struggle was so tiresome.

I am fortunate and grateful that I didn’t experience verbal, sexual, or physical abuse in my childhood. That was not my experience. But nature abhors a vacuum, and it was what didn’t happen to me as a child that set me up for years of searching, thirsting and hungering.

~Carla~

Categories : Depression

2 Comments

1

This may as well be the story of my life…. Rings so true….

2

I spent my whole life looking for outside validation. My self esteem would fluctuate wildly depending upon things that OTHERS did and said to me. It is only the last few months since I started coming to EFB that I made the connection. My validation is coming more and more from within me. I am recognizing the false beliefs one by one. A big one was that my worth depended on what others thought of me. That was one of the biggest lies of all. I am only now beginning to see what was missing all along and why nothing worked for all these years. It’s not easy, but my answer is in facing the truth one thing at a time, and starting to trust myself, my feelings, my choices.

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