May
29

My Grandfather the Scary Drunken Pedophile

By

 

child sexual abuseWhen I was a fairly young child, my mother told me that my grandfather (her mother’s husband) had been caught molesting my cousin. They told me that I should be careful of him. They told me that he had been caught with is hand up her little dress. And HE SAID that it was HER FAULT because she was sitting with her legs open.

That story makes me sick, as it should, but can you imagine how confusing that story would be for me as little girl? How was I supposed to process that information?

Especially when my parents didn’t stop taking me there.

I remember feeling uncomfortable hearing about it.  I remember the way my mother told me, like it was something really important that I needed to know. I knew that it was serious but I remember being unsure of what I was supposed to DO with that information.  I had the feeling that I should be scared of him but I still had to go to my grandparent’s home, be polite, do as I was told and all that other stuff. It was very confusing.  We are taught not to question such things.

I remember as a little girl as young as 4 or 5, sitting right beside him on the couch, snuggled right up to him in the crook of his arm, close enough to smell the booze on his breath and my mother sitting across the room watching like a Hawke. And I remember feeling GUILTY and not knowing why. I remember feeling scared of getting a spanking for sitting beside him but when he coaxed me over to him, I had no idea how the heck to avoid going to sit beside him. I had been taught that I had to respect and obey my elders. And although I had been told to stay away from him, no one rescued me, no one gave me a way to avoid him! My parents knew he was a drunk and a predator. They knew he had been caught and they believed he did it. Didn’t they think to stop taking me to visit there? Well obviously not.

They didn’t want to “rock the boat.” They didn’t want to “make waves” and stand up for what was RIGHT, not to mention that my Mother was afraid of the wrath of HER mother! I’m certain that they didn’t want to “hurt anyone’s feelings” by saying that it was not safe for their little girl to be in the presence of a pedophile. (I bet they never called him a pedophile; that would be much too accusatory and they couldn’t judge now could they, although I remember my mother calling him a “creepy dirty old man” many times throughout my life.)

So they protected someone else’s feelings, but they were not protecting me. This makes a statement even to a young kid. Their actions defined me as less valuable then my grandmother AND less valuable then my drunken creepy step grandfather the pedophile predator, too. My feelings (which were mostly confusion)  were never even addressed. This is a good illustration of generational dysfunctional mother daughter relationship!

The truth is that they could have found a way to value both ME and my Grandmother. My mother could have visited her mother without children in tow. She could have told her mother that she wasn’t going to allow my step grandfather (who was a drunk and had been caught child molesting) to have ANY access to her children.  She could have taken a stand against him for the sake of her children.  But she didn’t.

Even more confusing to me is that my mother hated her step father. She hated him, she told me about how afraid of him she always was, about his drunken temper; she hated and feared him but not enough to protect me from him in any other way except by watching me and warning me (and placing responsibility on ME to protect myself ).

As I got older my mother continued to tell me this story about my creepy grandfather, the dirty old man and the sexual trauma that my cousin suffered. He molested her! He sexually assaulted her!  I wonder how my cousin felt about all this? He made an excuse for himself and that was it? That was the end of it? Did they just accept his exuse? Did they just let it go? Nobody took any action??

My mother (thinks that she) justified taking me there by telling me that her and my father made a decision that one of them would keep their eye on me at all times when I was at my grandmothers and step grandfathers house.  This was told to me as though I should think her very smart and caring. Perhaps I was expected to be grateful?  She was really proud of herself for making that decision to keep their eyes on me when I was with my grandfather the Pedophile. She warned me and it seemed as though she assured me that she had it under control. But I didn’t feel assured. And I didn’t feel safe.

Why does her declaration of “watching me” make it alright? Didn’t they realize that he had started the child molesting “grooming process” right in front of them anyway?  He was gaining my trust. I was his favourite. I thought he was nice to me. (He was a child molester; a sexual predator, a sex offender!) He gave me salted peanuts and if my parents said no more peanuts, he would sneak them to me with a big wink.  (I guess they weren’t watching that closely after all and the fact that he could sneak me peanuts, communicated to me that he was not being watched and that he was not going to abide by my parents wishes either.)

But I liked the peanuts. We only had them at Christmas time at home. I always got to sit right beside him and I wanted the extra attention. Why did they allow that?  Why did they think that I was safe with that child molester because they were watching?

Did they think that since he has been caught once that he would never do that again? Did my mother think that her watchful eye was all that was necessary? I will never understand what she thought when I know now that he was just waiting for them to make one mistake; to leave me unattended just once, so that he could proceed.

When I was “in the fog” which means when I was not understanding exactly why some of the details about these situations were wrong, but having this “feeling” or suspicion that they were wrong, I could never put all these “facts” together and therefore I was never able to see the real truth.  It was in seeing this truth that I found my freedom from depressions, low self esteem and other struggles and was able to Emerge from Broken and take my life back.

Please share your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

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Categories : Family

118 Comments

1

Seems like they put all the responsibility on you. Making you the adult so they didnt have to be. Like a little girl especially at that age is going to understand whats going on an be able to protect herself…so sick!

2

Hi Nicole,
It is sick! and it is sick that they took me there. If my mother wanted to ignore it, why did she go to the trouble of telling me!? I think so that if something did happen she could put responsibility for that ON ME too. She “pre relieved” herself of the burden of responsibility.
ugg.
Thanks for your comment,
Hugs, Darlene

3

I felt afraid of my Grandpa, too, but was never told anything, I guess it was just “inferred”. My mother was an incest survivor, at the hands of her older brother, and she kept her hawk eye on me, too never leaving me alone with any of those nasty old men. Thinking that would be enough, I guess, and not knowing my cousin, Wally, was a damned pedophile, they let me play dark tag with all the kids including him, and he molested me the night of my Grandma’s 50th wedding anniversary. I ran in and told my Mom, and she told my Uncle, Wally’s dad, and supposedly he took him out and gave him a whipping. My mother was visibly shaken and I just felt numb and in a surreal environment. I’ve hated that creepy troll of a man ever since. God only knows how many other children he’s violated.

4

A person, like the step-grandfather you described, cannot be watched at all times. It is not possible. If it were, the abuser would never have been able to molest in the first place. I relate to your story and the level of confusion that being told this type of information instills in a young child. How can a child carry such a burden and understand its nature? How can you understand that this person that cuddles you is supposed to be someone of which you should be afraid? You do not even understand what it is or why?

5

Hi Rachel,
I totally understand what you are sharing Rachel. It is so hard when we have been raised to accept that we even have to be around them if our own mothers had trouble with them. Why did my mother even put herself in the situation as a grown woman with children. She had her own horrors with people she kept seeing. An uncle that we would visit got in bed with her when she was a kid and tried to force himself on her but for some reason he gave up. (which is still child sexual abuse!) He told her mother that she was a “good girl” (like if she didn’t fight him she would have been a bad girl??) She told me these stories, but even when I grew up I didn’t think to ask her why she kept going to see them once she became an adult. It is the dysfunctional way that she was raised. The wrong definition of love. The fear of standing up to the abusers when they are family is worse then the fear of abuse is.
Thanks for sharing Rachel
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Ronnie
Welcome to Emerging from Broken, the blog!
It is very very confusing and these mixed messages take their toll on a child. They teach trust issues, who is safe, who isn’t?? We don’t learn the right way to feel, our intuition is discounted from the start and sometimes we end up mistrusting the good people because the bad are more familiar. Compliments and gifts become something to be feared and we don’t understand the feelings that come up. The whole thing is a hot mess! and now it is up to us to sort if all out so that we can take our lives back!
Thank you for being here and for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

6

Hi Darlene

I have been in your shoes.
At one point I decided to forgive my mom, realizing that growing up she herself was not given the tools, and I know that she tried to do a better job.
Does it make it right? No, it doesn’t.
Where do we go from here?
We take the information that we have today and use it to make wiser decisions for the future, for ourselves, and for future generations.
Giving grace to those that we know tried their best (even though it fell short) What about the predators? What about those that didn’t care enough to even try to give a warning? I have cut them loose, knowing that each one of us will have to answer one day for our actions.

As an adult I was able to put firm boundaries around my children, and to let the adults in their world know where those boundaries were. I paid the price – but it was worth it – and I would do it again.

The most important thing (for me) in healing from the wounds of the past, is knowing that I can learn from them to make a better world and a better present and better future. That is where my healing has come. In doing so we truly do become more than mere victims, we become survivors and princess warriors (or princes) fighting for what is right.

God Bless!
Hugs
Judy <3

7

Darlene

I can say I “truly understand” how you feel .. Parents are suppose to protect us from harmful things not place us right in the midst of them .
I would have been terrified if I had been told all the bad stuff your grandfather did then brought to his house.. that was so very wrong.. He shouldnt have been allowed to be around any children..let along children of the family.

I have my own monsters that did me very wrong when I was about 6 and I dont quite understand it all but I know it was sexually wrong.. that my mom and bro did to me . .i was so young and didnt have any before instructions or explanations …just had it happened.. i do know some things said was Like “this is what happens to bad girls”…now you can be dirty like mommmy.. I only vaguely remember all the words.. but do remember all the pain and trying to get loose…I am sure it happened a few times.I remember telling the priest and being told to keep quiet e. and tellng the teacher and us being taken away and then returned back.. .. after we were returned back beatings were worse but that bad type of thing stopped..but not the hot baths .

I never knew that loving nourishing protection of a mother rather i feared her terribly.. and i dont understand why some of us are chosen to go through that but i know its not right..that real mothers love and hug and care for their little ones..

Why Mommy

why oh my mommy did you hold me so
and let me be hurt by my older bro
i kicked i screamed you wouldnt let go
pain so much pain enveloped me so

was hatred of me why this had to be
so much pain so much hurt inside of me
too young I was to be broken inside
forced to be quiet and make it all hide

now i’m the bad child you say every call
why do you hate me do you know at all
am I so worthless my mommy dear
your little girl is broken and full of fear

8

Your post brings up memories of my own grandfather. As far as I know he never sexually abused anyone. I was always afraid of him because he was a big man, over 6 feet tall and broad chested. He was really big when I was just a little girl. He was also almost always drunk when I saw him. He was an alcoholic before I was born. He was a mean drunk. He got into raging, loud arguments with anyone who would argue with him.

We spent almost all of our weekends at the house of my paternal grandparents. I spent so much time there on weekends that my younger aunts and uncles seemed more like brothers and sisters to me than uncles and aunts. My youngest aunt was short 3 days of being a year older than me.

When my dad got more into his own alcoholism, he and my grandfather would spend hours arguing about whatever topic suited them. I remember so many weekends when one of my older aunts or uncles would leave home for the weekend because my grandfather was raging at them. They had become his target for the weekend. My grandfather was a weekend drunk. From Friday evening until he passed out Sunday evening, he drank. My dad and my grandfather were the ones that taught me that anger was dangerous and could sometimes even be violent.

Darlene, the more stories that you tell about your childhood, the more intensely I dislike your parents. My parents did not protect me from sexual abuse either. My mom okayed me going fishing one day with her oldest brother who raped me in the back seat of his car instead of the fishing that he told my mother we would be doing. I didn’t want to go with him but I was never asked if I wanted to go fishing or if I wanted to go home with him to my grandmother’s where he lived at the time. Over that weekend he raped me a number of times day and night until my grandmother came home from her weekend trip. My uncle had lied and said that my grandmother would be home when we got there.

9

@Patricia:

Am so sorry what was done to you .what a bad thing..am so sorry ..am so very hurt for you . I don’t understand how come people get away with hurting children ..am so upset your uncle did that to you.

joy

10

Hi Judy,
Yes, we take the information and use it to make wiser decisions and it expose the truth about what we have learned. Healing is the most important thing for me, because before healing I was still confused by all these lies myself!
Thank you so much for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Joy
It was confusing to say the least, and it set me up for other similar situations. The message “be afraid and on guard, but do not disrespect your elders” that alone is a recipe for disaster. And this is just one example. Many children are never warned, they are just disregarded. They get a slightly different message.
Your story about the priest telling you to keep quiet; stories like that particularly bother me. A man representing God told you to keep quiet! the God I know would be furious! And that you were taken and then returned~ and the beatings got worse! That just burns me! Children are people. They are human beings with rights, feelings and memories! GOOD GRIEF… To be treated that way is just so horrible.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

11

Hi Patricia,
Having a raving loud and drunk grandfather is terribly scary! Fear is Fear, and how could you not have been afraid of that. I think taking kids to relatives that act like that are just as dysfunctional. Seeing all that behaviour becomes “their normal!” And it is the farthest thing from a loving functional normal family atmosphere.
Thank you for sharing Patricia, and for your courage in posting the story of your rapist uncle. My goodness what a freaky world we live in! Thank God that there are people like us who are talking about so that more and more people know that they / we are not alone!
Hugs, Darlene
p.s. you know for years I fought with myself about my “disappointment” regarding my parents… I felt SO guilty for not being grateful for the upbringing that I had. I never allowed myself to be angry at them and when I finally did get there, I began to really recover because I allowed room for the truth to grow. The truth really set me free.

12

Darlene

Back then there was not so much knowledge of the abuse by priests .but now i look back I think maybe my pastor told me keep quiet about the sexual things my mom and bro did because that is how the church always handled sexual problems..quieting the victim.

Lately have been thinking on it all maybe too much and i know now my bro has bigger problem but nothing was ever done to either on that regard.. my brother now has to register wherever he goes. and my mom. she is in the closet. no one knows..or can it be proven.

13

now am in my cryzone..its all kind of opening up so have to get me a big box of kleenx.. thanks for this post.

14

Hi Joy,
I should not emphasise the priest/man of god thing ~ it matters not what the adult that does for a living who tells a child to keep silent. Everyone of them is just as sick and wrong and dysfunctional as the other one ~ I just have a thing about people who have positional power and misusing it that way. That is part of the brainwashing that happens to us. Women who are told by fathers who are pastors that if she didn’t submit to a husband who is raping her, she will go to hell. Twisting bible verses… I was sure that I would go straight to hell if I even thought about being disappointed in my own parents. Parents who tell their children that they don’t have any rights, that the parents OWN them… “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of this world” type statements. This is so so damaging. The way that I got over it was by looking at just how damaging it was. To me. The real truth about what happened.

Tears are good. Please be gentle with yourself. Sometimes when things come flying open, we need to be careful take care of the small child that is “trapped” still inside. This is all part of the process.
Love Darlene

15

I was also told to “watch out” for my grandfather and never to be alone with him. I was not told why (and in my family it was not safe to question…anything). I suspect he molested his daughter, my aunt. He did not try anything with me, although I always felt unsafe and unsure and uncomfortable around him.

16

Darlene

I agree . its not so much he was a priest but he was the person of power i spoke too..It could have been any person runnng the church….i find that hardest to come to grips with and also understanding that all those years of silent suffering things really didnt have to be. .

But all my family tells me to be quiet about things too not just immediate but extended so its not just the person with power..friend here too tell me to let it go..

What is done is done though..I agree the little child inside needs tlc and i try to comfort her best i know how. but am still learning.. 😉

Love
Joy

Love
joy

17

Darlene … isn’t it amazing how parents will do this crap in order to make their parents happy – to not rock the boat, even if it means putting the child in danger?? It’s SICK! I’m so sorry you experienced that – no child should ever be in a situation like that. And it gets taught to us like that – to buy into this stupid saying of “blood is thicker than water” business. Since going through therapy, I have developed an inner momma-bear mentality of ‘you mess with my kid and I’ll mess with you!’ I love now that I actually feel that I have the right to defend my kid, and vehemently if necessary. it’s not about keeping peace no matter the cost … its about doing what’s right – I LOVE that truth!!

Even with my own kids with my abusive mother, no way in hell did I want her even remotely close to my kids. No way did I want to expose them to her incredible toxicity!!! Breaking the cycle is never easy and it can be lonely … but oh, what we do for our future generations – and that is why I stood up and told the full truth and refused to be silenced. 🙂

18

Wow, Darlene. This post sure brings up a lot of things for me too. Like the time my mother told her mother that the neigbor guy “molested” a little girl. When I asked what “molested” meant I was hushed, as though I’d done something wrong. I felt ashamed and quietly slid back into blending with the woodwork. We lived out in the country and I had to ride my bike past his farm to go play with a neighbor friend. I felt terrified and would pedal as hard as my little legs would carry me as the fear and panic choked me and left me shaking.

So when my uncle molested me I had no clue what was going on and remember only that I could see my mother and other women in the kitchen talking while they prepared food as I sat on his lap with his hand deep in my panties. And all the times dear ole dad had his hands places they didn’t belong and how I felt guilty for not liking it and when I finally told him to keep his hands of my body I was in my early 30’s. His response to my confrontation? “But it feels so good”. This was how this early grooming from my very first memories groomed me to allow other adult men use me. And into my teen years when my mother caught another pedophile 25 years my senior sleeping with me in her own house and she never said a word to me to ask if I was ok; but I felt such deep deep shame and guilt. My father disowned me when this pedophile lured me into running away with him when I was only 16….and it goes on an on, the grooming and then the blaming for what was done to me.

At no time was it about protecting me and it was always about shaming and blaming me for “letting” all these men use me. Its only been in the past 10-15 years that I realized a 12 year old cannot be a “whore” or a “slut”. No wonder I was confused about things and lived in that fog you describe so well. I’m so grateful for this place that EFB has become where we can openly share our realities and access the truth about ourselves: that it was not our fault and we can break through the lies that kept us in that fog.

19

Dear Susan

All I can say is am crying for you ..its so terribly bad what happened to you . Why parents don’t all protet their children instead of leetting the wrong happen is still puzzling to me 🙁

joy

20

Oh Joy, I am so grateful for your support and validation of my experiences. It really was all I knew so at the time and throughout the years I’d never known anything else. It was in being able to hear others and share here on EFB with others that I realized that my normal was not at all normal. I’m grateful for this place where we can share and learn from others that these experiences are NOT healthy/normal and that its not our fault. I don’t make excuses for those who have done this kind of thing and I didn’t find it helpful to my healing to focus on the why’s that filled my mind and fueled my justified anger and grief. It was in the giving the responsibility for these kinds of experiences back to the perpetrators that I was able to let go of the burden of shame that kept me bound up and in my distress and darkness. I grieve for every little girl and every little boy that experienced and suffered these violations and I share my story so that others can have hope that they too can recognize and let go of the lies that can keep us lost in the fog. Thank you so much for your compassion Joy. I am so grateful for my EFB friends:)

21

Dear Susan

I was only able to be put pieces as am so fragile in my opening yet…still at the point of shaking when I come to grips with what I am seeing as the fog lifts from my little land inside and I see the little girl who is huddled in a corner afraid to speak

I am still waiting to open all the way to my T who is the most excellent person I know in her field. so my slowness is no reflection on her .

I like you am so eternally grateful for finding this group who allows me to voice however I am able what is happening..I am grateful to each an every person who has responded to my little revelations of abuse and hurt.

You are an inspiration to me Susan:

joy

It was a terrible feeling deep inside:

it was a terrible feeling deep inside
wanting to cry but having to hide
not having anyone to stop the pain:
lashes and blows fallng like rain

It was a terrible feeling deep inside
knowing the wrong i had to hide
wanting to speak but having no voice
bearing a secret my only choice

it is a terrible feeling deep inside
knowing this stuff would have to come ouside
all the pain, the grief the shame
everything since i gotten my name

its a terrible feeling deep inside
but now the door is opening wide
all my wounds my cries my tears
are finally exposed despite my fears

joy

22

Thank you Joy…for your words and your poem. Thats pretty much how I started to open up – through my writing, rhyming, poetry….what a magnifient expose on the courage it takes to open up and let that little girl be free. Thank you for sharing and for being a part of this ever expanding community. Much gratitude:)

23

Hi Nicki,
That is exactly what I am talking about, the whole atmosphere that we grow up in is so damaging. Don’t ask why; be afraid; take care of yourself, (without the information you need) and then if you don’t succeed, it is your fault..
Good grief!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Susan Kingsley-Smith
Exactly what I just wrote to Nikki applies here too! The “letting them molest” thing makes me furious! (as it should!) This whole system is funky and it needs to be exposed! But the only way that will ever happen is if a significant number of us come out of the fog and realize that this shame is NOT ours. That we were never equipped with anything we needed to understand any of this stuff. I could write 10 more posts about what I want to say in response to the comments that are coming in on this post. (and private emails!)
Thank you so much for sharing Susan. This stuff is so important, that we understand where we got mixed up / misled/ used/ unprotected etc. in the first place.
Hugs, Darlene

24

Hi Rise
I get what you are saying about knowing that we actually have a right to defend our own kids. And to raise them!!!! Very big deal! Right away when my first child was born, both my mother in law and my mother started directing me in the way that I SHOULD do things! (but you know what, that is a whole other blog post!!! ) Thinking about it makes me angry! but when you are raised to believe you have no rights and no right thoughts, it is really hard to make decisions on your own!
and yes, it is about doing what is right! Not about keeping peace or protecting the way that it LOOKS!
Hugs, Darlene

Everyone ~ Susan Kingsley-Smith and I are going to doing a radio show (live on the internet) together on June 2nd. Details to follow.

25

Darlene:

Its nice getting these posts by email: you said:

“but when you are raised to believe you have no rights and no right thoughts, it is really hard to make decisions on your own!”

I feel this is very much how i am .. I don’t know how to think . I was never given that right ..every where I was in childhood and as an adult ..I really wasnt given the right to think . and now if someone asks me what I think: I freeze. and echo what they say “what do I think” I really don’t know . I don’t know how to think. I never had a right. life made it so I always had someone deciding for me…now am asked what i think. I feel inadequate.. unable . .How do i think??

joy

26

Joy,
I learned to think for myself by going through this process of realizing why I couldn’t think. It is just like everything else I talk about. Realizing the truth about how dysfunctional everything I learned about “relationship” was, is what set me on the right track. Recovery is a progression. and each new discovery leads to a new freedom.
The process takes time, and it is okay to be in the process… no rush.
Hugs, Darlene

27

Joy,

I love your poetry!
I love this last line:

“all my wounds my cries my tears
are finally exposed despite my fears”

so, now that the door is opening wide, is it still a terrible feeling?
Is the feeling changing? If so, how?

28

undoing our brainwashing

29

Dear Kate:

Its no longer a terrible feeling .. not like I am having to keep all this pain to myself but now i feel someone is hearing me ..someone actually cares that I have been hurt..all my life no one cared i was told to be quiet..I always thought I was bad for what happened but now i dont have to wonder if i am bad for what happened.. am not bad but rather am realizing that what was bad is what happened to me and I had no control over it..

its a whole different feeling now .. its the feeling of what’s next. .. its all out there a whole big pile of stuff.. my feelings .in all sincereity is how am i going to get through all this …now that its out in the open….am i ok is that all? just leave it there in the open? so its the feeling what next..i feel awful looking at all that stuff and really dont know what to do with it. the flashbacks are more often. . .. sometimes is all in my mind .

i know my T will help me. ..
i nneed to learn to trust more.

joy

30

ps Kate thank you for the compliment on my poetry: joy

31

Joy and Darlene, thank you for your encouraging words of compassion. Joy, your poetry is a wonderful outlet of healing. My writing is how I have done a lot of my healing. I can say something and I might hear it or I might not but if I write it, I have two senses at work- hearing and sight- which makes what I say more real to me. Joy, do you share your poetry with your therapist? It would be a great avenue of healing if you can. Your tears are healing in their presence.

I remember how in my childhood, I was taught that the word “pregnant” or “pregnancy” were bad words connected with shame. One of my aunts (one of my dad’s middle sisters) was the family scapegoat apparently. She acted out her entire life. She got pregnant out of wedlock in the 1950’s twice. Later in her 30’s or 40’s, she committed suicide. Her first son was born blind and given up for adoption. The second son was given to my grandparents to raise and abuse by our alcoholic grandfather. The shame that she carried caused “pregnant” to be a whispered word in my family. I was pregnant with my first child before I realized there was nothing wrong with the word “pregnant.” More of the secrets of a dysfunctional family. The shame wasn’t hers. It came from the dysfunctional family system that we both grew up in. She eventually paid with her life and I paid with my innocence and virginity.

32

I am sitting here crying thinking about the poisonous murderous tongue of a NARC/abuser, and how when I was in the worst/midst of it and needing someone to confide in, so that I couldfinally be free of it, a woman from my church told ME that I was poisoning everyone that I told about my marriage!!! YES, it is so GOOD to be able to tell about the things that have hurt us, to be heard, and realize the truth of it all. Fantasies and Lies hang together. People who live in a fantasy world do not want to hear about real lies.

33

Dear Kate

Am crying with you: how dare anyone tell you that you were poisoning everyone .. I imagine that if anyone was poisoning anyone was that woman from the church. I cannot stand it when people who should be showing love and compassion are totally the opposite..I wonder what teaching she was following from that church that gave her permission to humiliate and hurt you that way .. where did she learn she has the right to crush one who is already broken and then say such hateful things.

I don’t want to get started on the church thing as am not in a good feelng about church right now but I dont feel anyone had a right to judge you like that Kate.. and to hurt you when you are already hurt..where is all that christian love????

I am so so sorry that happened to you.. Even in my own brokenness I know that is wrong to say such mean things to you.. that just is not nice..

joy

34

So, I was poisoning her fantasy world, the lies. The church that she and her husband started. The pastor they brought to run the church. They knew he had marriage/personal issues before he even got to town. BUT they HAD to have someone run this church. The guy was obviously abusive. He eventually tried to excommunicate numerous families from the church including the founding couple!! He DID harrass and excommunicate our family; he took two years to do it. Anyway, three-four years later, I emailed him and told him that he was wrong to tell me that I couldn’t leave an abusive husband, etc., and six months after that email, I am told that his wife left him and he is no longer a pastor. I hate what has happened to me because of my connection with churches, my hiding in their identity, ignoring myself, my strengths, my abilities, even my own paycheck. This is only one of many bad times that I have had because of them. It has been a lifelong struggle that led to marrying a NARC, one who was like the system! And ow watching my adult kids struggle to become adults and stop defending the NARC, who appears so powerful and important.

35

Dear Darlene

Sometimes I will email a copy of my poems to my Therapist but are you referring to reading a poem to my Therapist …am so lucky to get out the words I do..

I know I have a whole lots of words I don’t feel comforable saying as they were considered off limits .. I still blush to even say the word sex .. and slang words.. I havent been able to start although i think its great everyone else feels such freedom..i am so far behind its laughable but not..

joy

36

Hi Darlene,

Ew. This one touched a nerve. I don’t know if you ever had a chance to read my Living in the Rear View Mirror book, but boy oh boy, do I relate to this one. And,how I wish I didn’t! I had nightmares well into my adult life about my grandfather. Of course, it didn’t help that he followed me around in his car, stalking me.

My grandmother even went so far as to tell me that the heart attack she had was my fault! For making up stories that harmed the family.

I’ve seen this a lot of times in families. Everyone knows who the problem is, but the adults all play the game of ignoring the elephant in the room. It’s so confusing as a child to know who the dangerous person is, but to still be around that person and have all the adults around you acting like everything is fine. I have a word for that…mind_____ (bleep)

Keep up the great work lady.
Peace & Love,
Kim

37

Darlene trust violated at so many levels. I can relate to this only in my family noone spoke about the CSA going from stepgrandfather to stepgrandson then to me even if I knew about CSA back then I was not of the ability to know not to go there. They had a tobbaco farm and I worked there until I was 12 untill the rape happened to me. I was fortunate enough to never go back untill years later to tell his Mom. She replied that never happened so This was my only time going back. My mother and stepfather put us there when they went on vacations My mother did not know But I am sure he knew since he was also a rapist.Since I caught him and my older sister when she was fighting him off and stopped it from happening.Just the tolerating atmoshere that existed make me sick to having known them all. So many boys lured into the trap of making big money 5 bucks a day in 1970 was a big deal to me as a ten year old. Now I don’t see my need to advocate and speak out against CSA ever ending.

38

Kim,
Yes, like my dad told me (when I was down and out with four children, and single and needing help) that it was my fault that my mother was feeling badly, and then two days later, my teenage daughter tells me on the way to school that my mom is on the way to the hospital for a heart operation. She knew more than I did. It was SO obviously NOT my fault that she had 99% blockage and needed a stint!!!!!! And when they operated, they found that she had a major anuerysm that was fixed about 18 months later. I recorded the surgeon’s comments following surgery. He said that my mother had the smallest adult heart that he had even held in his hands. That would be true about her emotionally as well. BUT I was obviously NOT the cause.

39

Edward,
Good for you to be speaking out!

40

Hi Patricia,
Thanks for sharing about the word “pregnant”. That is a great example of what I am talking about “how the brainwashing happens.” It could be any word, it could be “the word silly” that is a nasty frightful word. We learn all the meanings from the actions and attitudes around those words.
Hugs, Darlene

Kate;
I hear you. I have many moments when I realized that when I most needed someone, I was told to shut up and that I was wrong. It is good to be heard!
thank you for sharing!

p.s. Joy,
I think it was Patricia who was talking about reading poems with your therapist.
Hugs, Darlene

41

@Patricia: on occasion I give a poem to my T I will email the to her;)
Don’t know if you meant actually reading them to her? And I have a whole list of words I find hard to say.. that most people don’t . I wonder how I will ever get over that?

joy

@Darlene: you are right .am mixed up today;)am sorry

JOy

42

This is the story that too many women have told, too many have endured, and yet it continues.

Do you think all child molesters should just be killed?

43

Hi Kim
(yes I did read the book and I do remember the story of your grandfather)
Thank you for expanding the thoughts in my post with your own examples. like you said, everyone KNOWS! That is the insanity! Yes… I call it mind bleep too!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Edward
How awful that this happened to you. I am so glad that you are not going to stop speaking out against CSA. (child sexual abuse)
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Kate,
Another example of how we get blamed… but the blame is just another way to keep us in the spin, so that we are more compliant… we get used to believing that it has something to do with us in the first place, and then they just keep adding to it, never letting us breathe long enough to come out of the spin in case we notice that they are the ones that have a problem… pathetic!
Hugs, Darlene

44

Darlene, this has brought so much to the front of my mind today. About him (my grandfather) and her (his wife) and my own parents, especially my Mom. Although I was able to forgive and get to know the sober grandfather, I still bear the emotional scars not only of his drunken abuse but of the atmosphere that brought it to a place where no one would choose to protect a child. The passive aggressive wife, the daughter in denial, the other people who thought a child ‘cocktail’ waitress as ‘cute’. My grandfather the drunk was not a nice man, he sober was a bully and expected fear and respect from everyone.

Him I see clearly, however it is the people around him who knew and did nothing, who saw and turned away that I just am having trouble wrapping my mind around. It is maddening some days to realize that those I held most accountable were only those who were most visible, there were others who by silent assent or by passive aggressive nature caused more long term hurt and rewounding. It is them I am attempting to deal with, to heal past, and your posts are helping me.

Bless you!

45

It does seem that you (Darlene) had to make all the decisions, which are impossible for an adult to make, such as going with your gut (is it safe? is he safe?) His WINK that just confuses a little girl. I’m really sorry your innocent childhood was knowingly sacrificed.

46

I know a whole family my ex husbands who have 4 maybe more who have been molested by bio dad uncle and many children sodomized etc. My step daughter stopped talking to me due to the fact that I talked to my niece on facebook and she had the whole family to make me an exception the niece talked to me however, and I wondered if they all seemed to hold the guy in such high esteem why did I work so hard to get rid of headlice, take care of 7 children of whom one was mine, and later, I had to take my daughter out of the care of his girlfriend due to the fact that he wanted to hurt my daughter as well. The niece said she didnt think much of him however, the family just plays it up like hes a hero. It is sick and I will never understand Im just thankful my daughter didnt get hurt by him. Im sorry for you and his victims. Take care you are a child of the KING.

47

Stepdaughter made sure their facebook walls were blocked from me. I could write emails to any of them. sorry

48

My heart goes out to everyone who has posted their stories here. It’s so outrageous that these things were allowed to happen by the very people who should have been protecting you all. And then to blame and silence and insult you on top of the terrible abuse. Just sickening.

It’s mindboggling that whole families and communities are letting this happen. What chance does an innocent child have against such a sick conspiracy?

49

Hi Deb,
Welcome to EFB
Yes it is the story of all to many women and men, children both girls and boys.
Thank you for sharing
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Shanyn
These were the kinds of truths that really made me think, and the thinking it through with new eyes, with permission to NOT take the blame, made me realize the REAL truth. you said “My grandfather the drunk was not a nice man, he sober was a bully and expected fear and respect from everyone.” and he got what he expected from everyone… by keeping everyone in fear. I totally get it. And everyone thought this was acceptable… because that is all anyone ever knew? Because they really thought this was normal? Well not me! Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Lynn
Thank you for being here!
hugs, Darlene

50

Hi Carolyn,
An innocent child has NO chance against this stuff. Exactly! It is terrible and horrible and high time we were all talking about it. And now it is up to us to bust through the lies and take our lives back.
I am so glad that you are here! your comment is very validating!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Vicki Algiere
Welcome to EFB
And that is the million dollar question; why does everyone seem to hold them in such high esteem?? Is it fear? Fear of the consequences of standing up is what I think it is, and most of those fears are brought with us from childhood, when we really were powerless.
Thank you so much for your comments;
Hugs, Darlene

51

Carolyn, to answer your question, “What chance does an innocent child have against such a sick conspiracy?” Not much. Most of us can work hard to just survive. It is not until we are adults that most of us can fight back against our children becoming the next victims. Many like me, cut off all interaction with our abusers in order to protect our children because we know that just ignoring abuse and hoping it will go away does no good at all as a protection. It didn’t work to protect us and it won’t work to protect our children. I cut off all contact with my dad when my children were toddlers.

Joy, sharing your poems with your T could become a great tool for healing.

52

Darlene,
Not normal for me either, that’s for sure! I can understand why this boat rocking trouble maker would be such a problem for them – after all they want it all ‘hush hush’ and ‘white washed’ for appearances only. It seems to me, looking back with healing sight, that his simple badness was in some ways more honest than their cover up antics and bullying tactics to keep up appearances. Yeah he was a bullying drunk or a sober bully but about the only thing he wasn’t was super sly or sneaky. Just didn’t have it in him but they did. They used their slyness to cover up, coach, ignore, bully and blame in order to maintain the control and image they desired more than anything else. They soothed and smoothed and then stabbed me in the back. Working through the healing and the moving forward I’ve stumbled across so many things I know were never meant to see the light. I’m smacking them with rocks and moving on…love and hugs to you Darlene! Prayers and hugs for those who share here…

53

50
as to the million dollar question, why does everyone hold them in such high esteem? I don’t know, but sometimes I think it is that they perceive power on the part of the abuser.

54

Hi Shanyn,
I literally feel your pain in my heart. You are doing so amazingly well moving through all this!

Everyone, it is painful to face the truth, but wow, it is so worth it. I know a freedom and a happiness that I never thought possible; never imagined that my life could be peaceful and fulfilling. I don’t have depressions, or nightmares anymore. Sometimes I have flashbacks, but they don’t destroy me anymore, they barely even bother me. It takes time but we can take our lives back and begin to really live!
Hugs, Darlene

55

I’m going to say one thing before I read this. I think they should be called pedoPHOBES not pedophiles. A pedophile is supposed to be someone who loves children. Well their love is a sick, unhealthy, twisted and vile emotion. Not really worthy of even being remotely connected with the word love.
Pedophobe is a fear of and, by extension, hatred for children.
Now tell me which one makes more sense: pedophile (someone who loves children) or pedophobe (someone who hates children)?
Words are a big deal to me. They were the only friends I had when I was living w/ the first family, but I also dislike seeing a suffix that means ‘love’ attached to that word and its current meaning.
I cringe every time I see it.

56

Hi Vicki
Words are important to me too. The actual definition of a pedophile is a person who is sexually attracted to children. It is not about love at all. It is sick sick sick.
Hugs, Darlene

57

Kate- That was actually the last time I saw my grandmother. I was eighteen when she told me how I’d ruined the family and caused her heart attack. That day affected me for years and still does, not because I believed that her heart attack was my fault but because when that “talk” was happening I was frozen like a deer in headlights. It would be the first of many times I would short circut when someone was abusing me and just stand there listening to garbage being dumped on me. It’s only been in the last 5 years, 20 years later, that I’ve been able to recognize abuse as it starts and get my head to work with my legs so I can walk out and not take that anymore.

About the surgeons comments. Wow- how symbolic. Of course this has happened to others, but I’m always sorry to hear that it happened. Glad that you’re here on the page. So much recovery and support here.

To all of you contributing here- thank you for your valuable contributions to healing. Thank you, thank you!
Peace & Love,
Kim

58
Charlotte Antee
May 30th, 2011 at 4:30 pm

My mother did the same thing she told my sister that my father was an abuser I mean he had slept with my grandmother and my aunt He had also been having sex with my sister and I since I was two . She told my sister after she found out he molested my sister that if he came over while she wasn’t home to lock the door so my sister who has 5 personalities (one of which is the cutest little girl) would stick my brother and I in the toybox we would stay there for hours she also would put us outside on the third floor window sill just to keep us safe I blocked out all my memories I guess some things are just to traumatic but I always was afraid of small places and the dark As I got older I had dreams I spent years in and out of hospitals because as my mother said I was sick No actually I was abused and didn’t even know till I was 30 and my biological father took me out I was so excited he wanted to see me we were parked at a light and he kissed me thats when I remembered I ran for hours to get home and never told a sole because I had learned early on it was all my fault I just recently decided Its not my fault I am not crazy I will emerge 🙂 Thanks for letting me be here! *hugs* to you all .

59

Darlene, I am struck here, as I always am, at how adults around us justified their lack of action. They expected us to behave as knowledgeable and mature adults with what ever information they gave us! Sadly, my mother decided I was trying to steal her husband. As I got older she actually resented me! Today, she is remarried and still sees me as a threat. And I would like to comment to Vickie : i prefer the term CHILD MOLESTER” It just sounds so very earthly, descriptive and VILE! <3 Annie

60

OH! I nearly forgot… I was recently told by my brother that I am ruining the family name !!! My father is nearly an innocent bystander!

61

Once again, Darlene, I am so overwhelmed by what I have read here. For years I felt nothing. . . and now my broken heart cries for the children here. I remember growing up in the tract homes in So California. . . one in particular required all the houses be painted white and only the trim could be painted an approved color. I once was invited inside one little girl’s house . . . so huge and splendid on the outside, the grass cut, the shrubs neatly tended — to find next to nothing inside. Emptiness. And as I got older, I wondered what other awfulness lurked behind those doors, and if it was as terrifying as what lay behind the door of the house I called home.

Your account of your scary pedophile grandfather opened another closed off doorway in my mind and heart. I grew up with a terror of an uncle. . . abject terror. I would try and find a place to hide whenever he came to visit. Nothing could entice me to give the man a “welcome” hug. I would play outside until long past dark simply to avoid contact — however, I do not recall him ever doing anything.

The night terrors. . . do they never end? I’m almost 60, and I will still sleep with a light on. I still cannot bear to have anything over my face. I’ll wrap up in my fuzzy blanket and stick my nose out, and I almost never sleep on my back. There’s no one here but me — guess I’ll never grow out of it. . .

62

Ultralite

am not same age but i wont sleep in the bed but sleep on the floor ss i have night mares and bad things happened to me in the bed.. and i know a bed would be more comfortable but it was not comfortable for me as a little girl.

I always have to keep the kitchen light on and wrap myself up just like you though its hot like summer….alway sleep on my side as i am afraid i may not see if in anyone comes in..

i have kitties with me but i live alone too.

joy

63

Thanks, Joy. . . it’s helpful not to feel so alone. I’ve slept on the floor. . . mostly slept on the couch . . . but in trying to reclaim my health recently, I have cleared off the bed the last couple of weeks. Took everything to town and laundered it all. Now I’m having trouble putting things back to together again.

There was one night not long ago where I read until very late, did not turn on the TV, wrapped up on my side in my fuzzy blanket (with my nose sticking out). . . and turned off the light. No hot tea, no warm milk, no pills. . . woke up after sleeping about four hours straight like a “normal person.” Probably no big deal for most folks, but major for me.

I haven’t had any pets because I don’t feel I can take care of them. However, after I read your note, I came in here to the computer, and outside the sliding door asleep on the deck there was this poor, discarded, bedraggled cat someone dumped out here in the country. I’ve some old, old cat food left over from another stray from another lifetime. . . This poor old thing. Its muzzle is all scratched up. There are fresh cuts on its neck. It looks like its missing part of its tail. It will never be a pretty kitty, and it makes me so sad…a fuzzy reflection of myself in many ways. . . and of course, I had to give it something to eat. . . and some clean water to drink.

Maybe this heart is not totally stone. . . maybe this is a sign healing has begun.

Thanks for your comments, Joy (and everyone). I am soooo grateful for everyone here.

64

Ultralite

Maybe that kittie is just what you need.. My kittie come up to me when I am crying and my p/t kitty is so smart he gets up and hugs me with his kitty paws and tries his hardest to keep me from crying.

Sometimes i do things on computer if i cannot sleep but lately i have gotten to the sleeping a few hours as i do the practice my T gave me of thnking of a peaceful place..I love oceans lakes. ponds. .anything there may be ducks and fish ..lily pads. I think about that till I feel peaceful.. I picture it in my mind and then go to sleep..but sometimes ..many times, I should say . I fall into a nightmare sleeping and wake and am afraid from it. So i play nice music on youtube with pictures that give me peace..till i can sleep and if I cannot just play them so my mind lets go.. a while of the thoughts..

That little kitty needs you ultralite i think ..he is on a journey to healng. just think together you are healing .. i am sure in his kitty way he is so grateful he ran into you .. I know he may never look pretty outside but he will feel like a million dollars inside if you give him love and care. ..kinda like us .. no? we just need a lot of love and care and healing.

you really do have love in you .. you felt sorry for that poor kitty.

joy

65

thanks Joy and Ultralite, I think I have some insight now into my mother, who never slept much in a bed, my whole life, wow,……….
and funny that whenever we visited her parents’ place when I was a child, we spent our time playing with the barn cats…

66

wow Kate, your mom hardly slept in her bed? Where did she sleep?
my cats really are therapeutic to.. me..

joy

67

She would watch TV (I hated TV my whole life) and fall asleep in her chair, and maybe get up at midnight or later, after my dad was in bed asleep, and then go to bed, I think. She would be up early. There were some nights that I don’t think she ever went to bed. She just never slept well. But when she was depressed when she didn’t have support from my dad when I was a teen, she would hide in her room for a day or more. She kept track of the car mileage if I drove it. I hardly ever used it. She sat up until I came in from every date I had, which was almost exclusively with the same guy, and he was NOT a problem.

After her heart operation recently, my dad and I made up the bed for her to come home and he blurts out, “We haven’t slept together in years, and DON’T ask me why…!” I said that I wasn’t and that I don’t think that she has felt well…well, that was the understatement, and then when I told her how confusing my high school experience was with dating a guy from my church whose family had a business in town and they lost everything and left the state, and I didn’t have anyone “supporting” me in that relationship, anyway, I mentioned that he had been sexually molested at age six and that is why he cried so much when we knew him, (in addition to losing his older brother in a family-business vehicle at age 13) so I was telling my mother about him being molested nad she never batted an eye, and just said that she understood that people just get over that kind of thing and go on…lovely

68

Hi Charlotte
Good grief! I am so sorry that you went through all that. What a fog storm, and I am so glad that you are busting through all that FOG. I am so glad that YOU are here sharing all this! You have highlighted how even as adults it all continues. You are right on target!
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Annie
Readers ~ when Annie refers to her brother accusing her of ruining the family name ~ Annie wrote a couple of books… and I have read then. And I am telling you, her father was no innocent bystander! Her brother must be SOME BRAINWASHED. It is so crazy how all this just get normalized!
If you would like to read Annie’s books, click this title to go to her website. “Can you hear me Now?” Annie writes from the perspective of a child who is being abused, and her writing really reveals the absolute insanity that surrounds abuse and dysfunction and how the child become so confused and filled with guilt and shame.
Hugs, Darlene

Can you hear me now?” Annie O’Sullivan

69

Hi Ultralite!
You reminded me of something important; I also was able to feel the pain of others way before I really connected to my own pain. I could realize how much others were mistreated and abused, but I did not grant myself that same sympathy or understanding.

The night terrors did end for me Ultralite. I have not had one in about 4 years now. They ended when I really understood where they came from. My mind/heart was constantly trying to work out what happened to me in an effort to overcome the depressions and the dreams were representing that “trying to figure it out. Reminders. telling me that the key was in the past. The key to freedom. And it was!
Thank you for sharing!
Darlene

70

Yes yes! A quick comment on what you said Darlene about the dreams and our mind trying to figure this mess out….this was for me also the daytime “busy brain” and the cause of the insomnia and inability to focus on or do just one thing, the triggers, flashbacks, emotional reactions, the acting out/in….(there are many labels that were tagged on me for these “symptoms” none of which were helpful). As you pointed out – it was in understanding this that helped me to make sense out of some really horrible and senseless things in my life. Understanding this was the door that stood before me, being willing to “work through” the anger became the key to open that door and then the grief became the key and door to my freedom where I began to see that I could live beyond it all and enjoy creating my new and “best” life beyond the survival mode that I had lived in for so long as I coped and managed. (sorry for the metaphor – thats just how this all works for me! :)) So yes! My busy brain was trying to figure it all out!

71

This post has triggered a lot of pain and conflict for me. I was molested a few times by my dad and tho I told my mother twice she did not feel able to leave him as she was too frightened. I tried to tell my story to GPS, friends, partners but was told to ‘put it behind me ‘ forgive and forget’. I then broke down in my 20s and was committed, labeled medicated. My memories of the abuse resurfaced when my daughter got to 6 yrs old, the age it started for me. I stopped my parents babysitting though my husband thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I became depressed again and he left me and a year after that I tried to charge my Dad as I thought it would be at least recorded in criminal records, in case he had abused anyone else.So in the end I had to take action on my own with little or no support and at times I was made to feel like I was a trouble maker and I was full of guilt. This was all complicated by the fact that I did love my mum and Dad as they had many good qualities and my Dad had also mellowed a lot and seemed to heal himself as he got older.Even after trying to charge him I was persuaded to have contact with them again as I felt my daughter should be able to see them and I did not want to deprive them of being grandparents. I had many confusing conflicting emotions which I am still trying to resolve now I am in my fifties.My dad died a few years ago and my mother died 6 months ago and I am finding the grief unbearable . I am grieving the abuse and the fact it can never be fully resolved. Neither of my parents are alive now ‘to put it right’ and the fantasy that I could be rescued is over. I feel so sad for them that they recycled trauma. I struggle with guilt as my daughter has to process the facts that the grandparents she loved were also guilty of abuse. I have made it clear to her that I am always open to discussing any conflict or difficulties she has with this or anything else. What I have experienced though is that most victims do not get justice or even support and are mainly encouraged to minimalise abuse and sweep it under the carper as its just to ‘nasty’ and ‘unpleasant’ to even talk about. Many people are too frightened of the consequences to get help or report abuse and healing and recovery is is not valued nearly enough or adequately resourced in society. The more people who open up the more enlightened as a society we will become .

72

” I had many confusing conflicting emotions which I am still trying to resolve now I am in my fifties. My dad died a few years ago and my mother died 6 months ago and I am finding the grief unbearable . I am grieving the abuse and the fact it can never be fully resolved. Neither of my parents are alive now ‘to put it right’ and the fantasy that I could be rescued is over. I feel so sad for them that they recycled trauma. I struggle with guilt as my daughter has to process the facts that the grandparents she loved were also guilty of abuse. I have made it clear to her that I am always open to discussing any conflict or difficulties she has with this or anything else.”

And this is where you are! I can only imagine how stuck in the middle it would feel to me, as I can relate. I hope that in your discussions with your daughter, that your feelings, as articulated above, are able to come out into the discussion as well as hers.

73

Layla,

You bring up many important points in your comments. One of my biggest messages is that we need to get this stuff talked about, we need to bring it out in the open so that others will also bring it out in the open. So many of us felt like the only ones and kept the terrible secrets.

One thing I want to address is that you said that since your parents died there is no hope to resolve the abuse. My parents are both still alive but refuse to engage about it. But that didn’t stop me from fully dealing and overcoming the destructive effects of abuse. Your parents cannot resolve this for you even if they were alive. (I grieve the fact that they will not discuss it or take the blame OR have a relationship with me unless I shut up but they cannot hold me back any longer. So many of us falsely believe that if this could be worked out with the abusers, then we will be okay, but it is another lie we believe. It is when we face the damage, and the truth of what it cost us and how we were not valued enough to be protected, heard etc… that is where the healing is. I thought that if my parents would finally validate me (and the abuse) that I would begin to heal, when in truth, it was when I validated me that everything began in my healing process.
Hugs, Darlene

74

Oh, Layla. . . I hear you. I have a cryptic note from my mother, written to me just before she died . . . and I cannot tell if it is a blessing or a curse.

After spending nearly 10 years taking care of my parents (both my brothers lived thousands of miles away), I am now being subjected to a new form of abuse. When my mom was ill, I drove four hours from where I lived every Friday to their house to take care of things, and then drove back the other direction Sunday nights (or Monday mornings). I took time off work for their doctor and other appointments. I did all the stuff one associates with being the dutiful daughter . . . because they needed help, and I really do think I loved them both. When mom died my dad up and relocated on a whim (30 day escrow!!) My daughter and son-in-law helped him get settled in a new place (about 4 hours closer to my brothers who still pretty much ignored him). When dad’s former sheriff’s office partner contacted me, saying he thought my dad needed some help. . . I ended up packing up my stuff and relocating, finally moving in with him after he was diagnosed with vascular dementia). I helped him out, helped put his affairs in order (with the help of his former partner), tried to keep him as safe and independent as I could.

This was not done for some great reward. I love my dad — however, our screwed up family dynamic has nailed me once again. My father remarried, after long discussions with his doctors, meetings with his wife-to-be, and her son, and having a prenup drawn up — I helped him move to her home (after they decided his home wasn’t going to cut it — too far from her kids and friends). I helped sell his house and put the proceeds in his family trust. After their wedding, it appeared all was well — and I accepted a job offer on the other side of the country. [this was a lady I had known all my life — her husband was my mother’s boss; growing up, I babysat her six kids; I always thought she was amazing].

However, I have now been slapped with a charge of elder abuse and have had a judgment levied against me for three-quarters of a million dollars. With all the abuse I went through as a child, even now I find I can’t lift my hand (or voice) against my dad. I certainly would never raise my voice to his new wife — and I feel absolutely powerless to do anything about this. I’ve never abused my dad. I would never abuse my dad. He raised me not to lie, cheat, or steal
. . . and these are the things I am being accused of. My heart and soul and spirit are so utterly (I can’t even think of a word that fits). . . despairing.

I can’t talk to my dad on the phone — he thinks he’s talking to my mom — Before dad remarried, you would have thought my mom had become a saint. Now, on the rare occasion we have tried to talk — he starts to say things to her that burn me through and through. And if that is what he thinks about my mom — I can’t bear to think what he thinks about me.

Perhaps it’s something to think I’ve got that kind of monetary value to my dad — but who can measure the injury to my heart and soul — I just feel abused all over again. . . and I’m having a hard time trying to keep my head above water.

Sorry if this is off topic — but my head and my heart hurts.

75

Ultralite,
Thank you for sharing this. I needed this one today!

76

Ultralite,
I can imagine this. You help, you think, and they never stop taking advantage of you, at least from what I have observed. WOW. Something to really think about.

77

Darlene,

When you write I feel like you and I are just having a chat about all of this stuff. You are amazing!!!

So similar a situation…I was molested at maybe 2 or 3 by my old, dirty, drunken step granfather….I know the man you speak of. He molested probably hundreds of children…girls and boys….it’s an atrocity that no one ended the horror…they left it up to the powers that be….I remember wondering why I always felt naked in his presence…like he was looking right through my clothes…such a horrific and dirty feeling….I couldn’t stand to be in his presence and yet my stupid mother took me there over and over….I remember sitting across the room from him once and he was giving me that look and I stared right back…cursing him in my mind….I was praying he would die right there in front of us so, I could be free of him. I also remember standing up for myself and at 10 or 11 I declared to my mother that I wouldn’t go to that house anymore, that was it, she could go visit her sick mother, I didn’t want to go and she couldn’t make me. It is so sad when the people around us are so dysfunctional that it takes the child who can see through all of the bullshit to stop the madness….also, sad that the same child really never was a child at all, she had to be an adult when no one else was…so unfair.

Thanks for being here.

78

Hi Ultralite,
I don’t mind anything that goes “off topic”; anything that reminds you of something else IS the topic.
If your father has vascular dementia, you are not really standing up to your dad. You are standing up to his illness. And you saw all those drs. etc then you have some people who can stand up for you as having been a responsible party in dealing with this. Are you sure that your Dad is even behind it? If there is a prenup in place, this may be the only way that his wife see of getting any money.
I encourage you in this. You have rights too!
thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Jenny
Yes, this is all the bull that we deal with as mere children and then we are questioned about our self esteem, etc. It is crazy!
Thank you for sharing. I totally understand how you feel. I think way to much stuff is left up to the “powers that be” and no one wants to be accountable. Crazy!
Thanks for being here and for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene
p.s. I feel like we are just having a chat too… when I write it I feel like I am just chatting to everyone… like saying “have you ever considered it this way??” LOL

79

Wow, Darlene. . . once again I am so grateful for you and this place. I can’t begin to describe the pit of my despair — but your encouragement and the hope I receive from every one here. . . everyone’s thoughts and comments are very precious to me.

I’m reminded of Hansel and Gretel . . . just don’t know if I can handle much more than crumbs. . .but since the path had led me here, I am grateful for each one.

80

Dear Darlene and all who have contributed to this post. I find myself both horrifically saddened and enthusiastically overwhelmed at the same time…saddened by the abuse and the toll it takes yet overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and compassion shown here.

At 47 years of age, having been abused by my natural father for a number of years, and having journeyed thus far and done all the work necessary through therapy and with the support of my closest and dearest friend, I feel so blessed to have found you. I feel so connected, and what a story I now need to write about my own uncle. I always wondered what happened to him and my father to make them do what they did, and I don’t get putting the blame on the alcohol when they were sober while committing the act.

Now, I am getting ready to listen to the show. Good luck and God bless to all! <3

81

Patricia said: “Darlene, the more stories that you tell about your childhood, the more intensely I dislike your parents.”

Me, too.

I just finished reading this post and the 80 comments that followed. I am… overwhelmed. So glad you all are HERE. So sad you all have been through so much hurt.

Lynda

82

Hi Faith,
Welcome to emerging from broken!
I totally understand your statements about being both saddened and happy to have found this community! It is both difficult and empowering at the same time!
There is no excuse for taking advantage of a child, for abusing a child, or for any sort of unfair mistreatment of a defenceless child. Period. Glad to hear that you don’t put the blame on the alcohol!
So glad that you are here. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey and victories!
Hugs, Darlene

Joy,
Thank you for your compliments and encouragement. I am glad that you enjoyed the show. I am doing another one tomorrow with Susan Kingsley-Smith, and it will be a very different show then the one last night! I will send the details out later today!
Hugs, Darlene

83

Hi Darlene,

I look forward to the new one.. always will be so glad to listen ..there is so much one can always learn..thank you both

(warm hugs)

joy

84

Hi Darlene Thanks for youre comments. I am really seeing I can validate myself. I discussed this post with my counsellor today and it led to me having memories and flashbacks to the abuse. I recognised certain feelings in a clearer way – just how worthless dirty and ashamed I had felt- as I child I had felt responsible and to blame for the horrible feelings. In fact I can see the shame was my fathers. I was also let down my my mother as she did not validate the trauma I experienced and I had to suffer throughout my childhood.
In amongst grieving the death of my mother I realise what I am grieving most is my own damaged childhood. I am struggling with fear and the flashbacks right now. However I feel hope from reading youre posts that I can recover and I feel that now that I have exposed those horrible feelings Ive suppressed that I can now learn to give myself the validation love and respect that I always always deserved
Hugs

85

Wow Layla!
What an awesome discovery you have made, that while grieving the death of your mother, you realized that you are are grieving most for your own damaged childhood. That is huge and marvellous too.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

86

Hello Everyone,
In case you were not aware, I have published a new post that highlights more dysfunctional family (parent stuff)

You can read it here; Damaging Labels and Dysfunctional Family History

87

WOW. This was really interesting. I’ve mentioned before that my 24 yr. old son has a developmental disability, and was sexually abused until age 14 by his paternal grandfather. My husband eventually agreed not to allow any communication between my son and his grandfather. TO THIS DAY, my mother in law resents that I will not allow him access to my son. “I have ruined the family.” My brother in law & his wife go over with their 2 young girls to visit, and even allow them to babysit their girls! This makes me crazy, but I am not responsible for their decisions. I finally got my son to understand that ‘he’ is not the one being punished, but that ‘grandpa’ has some screwy thoughts going on in his head. Until he gets some help, and gets his thoughts right, he is not allowed to see my son. I am hoping that this has taken the responsiblilty and guilt about not seeing ‘grandpa’ away from my son. I often wonder if it will ever be over. Even when he is dead, I think probably not, because my feelings about this are still as strong as they once were. Guess I haven’t healed yet.

88

Hi Karen,
I remember your post about your son and the grandfather who abused him. Isn’t the “fog” a scary, baffling and dangerous thing?? That people cannot realize that abuse is wrong and against the law and destroys children and their lives and make the ignorant decision not to protect them. ? That YOU have ruined the family but standing up to it?? Such denial is insane.
Just one thing about your last line; Your feelings about this SHOULD be as strong as they once were, because it was never resolved, and the abuser (and all the people that won’t see the truth) are still not accountable. That has nothing to do with your healing. It might be different if everyone rallied around for the health of your son, and the abuser was actually accountable, but that is not the case. If we forget the strong feelings we minimize the abuse itself. I would not compare my healing to the amount of feelings that I still have about abuse.
Thank you for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

89

Hi Everyone,

I just published a post related to this one ~ no matter how much time goes by we need to talk about this stuff. We need to be heard.

My post is called “Adult Victims of Child Abuse STILL need to be Heard” and you can read it here:

http://emergingfrombroken.com/adult-victims-of-child-abuse-still-need-to-be-heard/

Looking forward to the feedback!
Hugs, Darlene

90

My grand dad (sex)abused me and several people in are family my sister and many other people. I have two aunts is the daughter of the bad granddad. She thinks he was so great! I have told the other thatit happen but she already Knew about the insist. Cuz she caught granddad doing it to her daughter. Im 52 years old . I want to tell my aunt about it. I believe in my heart it happen to her also. Im a cry baby so is my one aunt. My aunt thinks I looked her up for money or some other reason I don’t know?. I did not. I don’t have any other family but my sister. My aunt is 92, I still think I need to tell her about it.

91

Hi Junella,
Welcome to EFB. I am sorry that happened to you. I know women who have been abused by their fathers and they think the father is great… it is a werid psychological thing. We can’t change anyones mind, we can only heal ourselves. In the end, for me, it never mattered what anyone else thought.
Hugs, Darlene

92

Hi Everyone

I have a new post on the home page that you might like. It is called “when children are not regarded as actual people”

93

Hello. I’ve only read a small portion of your story, but I know the majority of the world can relate to your abuse. Your mother was told to bring you to grandpas house she was traumatized from her abuse and a fearful slave to them. They broke her a long time ago, she is fragmented, and she has seen horrible things from both of these ill-guardians, in so much she is programmed by heavy suggestion and possible threats of blackmail, photos, et cetera. These type of species generally do not work alone but we the victims have been shown the predator is a loner. this predator is profiled over and over as if these criminals are all on the same pages of their criminal manuals, conclusion we are dealing with a species that feeds on the fear and control of their victims. This abuse affect the victims brain. PTS treatment like coming out of the shock of war.
I pray your mind will heal. And no you do not forgive those who will not repent nor say they are sorry nor want to make restitution. You must become a warrior now as you can see this deviant is everywhere.

94

Thank you for posting your outrage and healing from this silence that brought low self esteem and broke your depression. It was a setup. I have listened to so many broken hearts of this same conditional family setting. Please realize you can have your innocence back.
Also, I do not like facebook, they want your dateofbirth and phone number and there are too many predators getting this information. I warn people should not abide with these sign on criteria. Be careful.

95

Hi Dia
I don’t think I can ever have my innocence back, but that is okay. I have healed and that is the awesome part!
Thank you for your comments.
Hugs, Darlene

96

Hi, My grandpa when I was about 10, could’ve been earlier, but I was an early bloomer and I spent alot of time with him. he was our neighbor. He had just lost my grandma so I knew he was loney, so I guess that’s how I excussed it in my young mind. He would pull me close and kiss me hard on the mouth while sliding his hand up inbetween us. I tried to tell my older sister but she said he was just missing my grandma so don’t cause a family problem. But i was still expected to go and keep him company because I was his “favororite”

97

Hi Joy F.
Welcome to Emerging from Broken. It is amazing how we justify and excuse this stuff all because as children we have no choice and no other way to comprehend it. I am so sorry that this happened to you. It was wrong and it was illegal.
Thanks for sharing, hugs, Darlene

98

Did you do any shame work? Or did you just realize the truth and that was that?

99

Wow, this website is a kind of relief for me. My parents did the same exact thing and I feel quite angry at them. My stupid drunken uncle was the perpetrator- when it happened to me I told my mom and my sister. My two sisters admitted that it had happened to them too. My stupid parents still went there and invited them to our house for parties. While i stayed away whenever they visited them. Then it happened again when he was “drunk” to my sister. They were too stupid to protect us and didnt want to hurt family ties. My grandpa is also a pedophile- he lived In another country and my parents were told he had a young girl he paid money for- they invited him over to our house with grandmother and aunt- he was old – I was an older teenager- I thought I locked the door to bathroom – he kept twisting the door and barged in while I was yelling to go away. He is “deaf” so he walked in ,went to bathroom, and ripped open the shower curtain and was just staring at me while I I was just bug eyed – why the hell would he open the shower curtain! Anyways my family is a bunch of losers I am furious at. They always failed to protect us! And another uncle did that to a cousin and it’s like everyone just ignores it. Thanks for the website. Btw my family is religious and they didn’t even protect “the innocent” what the heck!

100

Hi Sarah
Welcome to Emerging from Broken
I am sorry this happened to you too, but you have found the right website! There are huge discussions about all this stuff and hundreds of articles here.
Please feel free to share often!
Hugs, Darlene

101

Jenna
I worked on everything as it came up. The shame was something that mostly I had to work on realizing was not my shame. I looked at the feelings of shame and then at the truth about the event. The truth was that the shame was not mine and once I accepted that, that in itself was another layer of healing.
Hugs, Darlene

102

Dear Darlene,

I’m so very sorry to hear about your experience.

I just came across this website looking for some answers in relation to my horrible relationship with my mother. I’m 46 and it’s still causing me pain.

My mother did the exact same thing with me, except it was my uncle, her younger brother, who was a known pedophile, and alcoholic.

He molested my older cousin when she was four-years-old, and when I was around six, my mom told me about it and warned me to be careful around him, not to be alone with him, and not to do anything like gymnastics where he could see my panties or anything.

I was alarmed, but still polite to him since she thought it was okay for me to be around him, and he was a charming guy in ways. At the same time, he really creeped me out, not just because of what my mom told me, but because of the way he stared at me and looked kind of crazy.

Fortunately, I didn’t see this uncle more than two or three times a year when we went to my mom’s hometown to see her parents, but I remember at least once when she took me to his house too, and often had me hang out with him in my grandparent’s back yard with my younger brother. I could almost understand her taking the risk of having me see him at Christmas or whenever just to let me see my grandparents, but I don’t understand her forcing me to see him on the side. And she didn’t always watch me either.

I found out later that my grandmother didn’t believe that her angel son was a molester, so she protected him. My mother also hated her mom, but wouldn’t stand up to her. My mother’s older sister, the mother of my cousin who was molested, never came to family gatherings, and I was told it was because she was a troublemaker and anti-social. I only found out as an adult that my Aunt only refused to come because she refused let my cousin, and her younger daughter near him. That Auntie is my hero now, and I wish my mom could have been more like her.

When I was ten, at Thanksgiving my uncle lured me outside and tried to play a game with me where he succeeded in fondling me a little bit. I ran away and never told my mother because I thought she would blame me since I had been warned. After that, I tried to avoid him completely but still had to see him sometimes.

Years later, when my own daughter was eight, my grandmother died. I went for the funeral and all the family was staying together at a remote mountain house. I also told my daughter about my uncle (whom she had not met before), and warned her to stay away from him too. After only a couple of hours there, I realized how insane it was for me to say the same thing to my daughter, and packed up and drove home late the night before the service. My mother was furious that I would dare to skip the funeral, and so were other family members, but they should have supported me. My uncle was, and likely still is, a creepy, alcoholic pedophile loser and should have never been welcome in our family. I told my mother I was leaving because he was dangerous, and finally told her he had fondled me, and said it was wrong to have expected me to protect myself. She denied then that she had ever warned me about him! That is so wrong, since she had, but if she hadn’t, that would have been even worse.

I also found out even later that my grandfather had done some creepy things with my mother and her sisters, but my mother never even warned me about him, and I used to spend a lot of time alone with him. Fortunately, he never tried anything, but it still upsets me.

I was molested by another uncle by marriage outside of the main family from ages 7-14, and I never told either because I thought my mother would blame me since I knew how she felt about my uncle. There was another guy, my Brownie Camp counselor, who never fondled me, but always hugged me and kissed my cheek and told me he loved me and that we would get married and just really creepy stuff. I begged my mom not to make me go back there, but she said I had to do it. He even showed up at my house with a giant box of craft supplies, and she just thanked him. In this case, I told her everything, and he wasn’t even part of her creepy family, but she still didn’t protect me.

Lots more messed-up things happened after that, but not trying to write a novel here. Sorry for going on so long, but I just read your story, and it was so strikingly similar to mine that all of this flooded out. Thank you for giving me the platform to say all I have so far. Reading what I’ve written above makes me feel less crazy for still hating my mother. She was a good mother in many ways, and well educated with a master’s degree in psychology too, which make all of this more frustrating. At least she taught me how not to screw-up with my own daughter, and we have a close relationship. I would have died rather than make her go through the things I did- no way was any person going to mess with my baby!

thanks for letting me vent.

Many hugs to you too, Darlene 🙂

103

I meant to add that I do have a father, who is still married to my mother. He was not clued-in to a lot of things, but didn’t really pay attention when he was. A good financial provider, but distant, and zero balls when it came to standing up to my mother or protecting me. He was always kind and generous to me, so I never hated him, but perhaps I should hate for not protecting me either. I guess I still can’t give up on the fantasy that at least one parent loved me, even if they did nothing to stop the other’s abuse.

104

Hi Haneul
welcome to emerging from broken
Thank you for sharing your story. Never worry about the length of a post. I am very supportive of “getting out what needs to come out”. It is very painful to face the truth about our own parents. I went to great lengths to deny the truth about it but when I did face that truth (that is what this entire site is about) I overcame the manifestations of the past. (depression, dissociative identity etc) It is crazy to try to understand what our mothers were thinking when they warned us about grown men but still let us be around them! I am so sorry that all this abuse happened to you but you have certainly found the right website! You are not alone and we have great talks here about seeing thing in a new way in order to “emerge from broken”
Hugs, Darlene

105

Thanks again, Darlene.

It has been very helpful to read your story and those of others and to know that I am not alone. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive too- she is still cruel- but I think her not protecting me from those bad men did the worst damage in ways. It taught me that I was not worth protecting, and I still have have serious problems with intimacy and believing that anyone could really love me, and stand up for me. Recognizing and finally accepting that even so much later is the first step toward real healing. I live on a different continent from my mother now, and that helps a little, but I can’t run away from my memories.

My heart breaks for you and all of the other men and women who have had bad parents. No parent is perfect, and there are worse parents who torture and kill their children, but abuse is abuse. Some people say I should just forget about it, and for the most part, I do live my life and am grateful for the many good things, but when the pain comes up again, it’s like walking around on a broken leg, even if no one else can see it.

Hugs to you and all the others emerging from broken, and keep fighting- we are worth it!

106

I was married to a 85 year old man for 16 years when I found out he was a pedophile. He molested his children, his grandchildren and my grandchildren. His daughter tried to warn me but I didn’t believe her. He molested her but she sent her three youngest children to be with us every weekend for 5 years, so how could I believe her. I thought she was trying to make trouble between my self and my husband after I told her we were not sending her any more money . I so regret not believing her. Most of the people in his family knew what he was but only the crazy one who sacrificed her children for money said anything. Then last February she made allegations and gave names. They finally admitted the truth. But it was too late, he had also by then molested my granddaughters. My reason for posting is this. A mother will sacrifice her children for money. Family will protect the predator. If you hear anything you must protect the children at all costs. Well I guess she will get her money as he has filed for divorce and wants $169,000.00. He will not get it but he will get part of my IRA. I pray he dies befor the divorce is final then the children’s mother, his daughter, gets nothing and I have better benefits from his pension. All of his grandchildren are now adults. They hate me because I exposed all of this mess and called the police and CPS. We go to the grand jury next monday and I hope the arrest kills him. Do I sound like I am full of hate and anger. Well I am. But I am healing and my granddaughters are doing good. Nothing like explaining a grand jury to an 8 year old.

107

Hi Kathleen
Welcome to EFB
It really is crazy that this daughter told you he was a child molester and yet sent her kids to visit. It’s different when someone has blocked the abuse out and suddnely remembers it, and realizes they have been sending thier kids there but this woman actually ‘warned you’ but sent her kids there. Why isn’t she being charged since she knew what he would do and placed her children in danger anyway?
What a crazy world we live in.
Hugs, Darlene

108

In New York state you have to report the abuse b4 you are 23. Her son who admitted he was abused was 23 in May and we found all this out the following February. I was really doing good with all this but we go to the Grand jury on Monday and now I am a mess again. I have such mixed emotions. I did love this man who I now hate and that really messes with your mind. He treated me good. I cared for him. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know how I will be able to speak at the grand jury and it isn’t because I am bashful of shy I have spoken in front of 100 people and enjoyed it. But I can’t stop crying. How will I be able to speak. You would think that by now I would be OK but the closer it comes to the grand jury the worse I am. I don’t think this will go to trial. He admitted it to the town investigator and cps and me also a grandson and that boys father. He has mental problems but by no definition is he insane. I do wonder if he will try to kill himself. I am sure if he goes to jail the men there will make his life hell. For what he has put us through I shouldn’t care but I do. As I said my emotions are a mess. Thanks for listening and understanding. I will get back to you and let you know what happens.

109

Hi Kathleen
This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for the turmoil you are in but hang in there and just try to breathe!
Hugs and love, thank you for keeping us posted.
You are not alone and please feel free to share on earlier posts where there is a bit more support from this community. (via the home button) Feel free to write what is going on on any of the current posts there.
Hugs, Darlene

110

Please help me someone they are threatening me with charges I did nothing wrong I need help He molested my granddaughters and now they are threatening me I can’t think I don’t know what to do I can’t cope I want it to end what should I do

111

Hi Kathleen
You need to get some assistance from someone (like a lawyer) who is an expert in this area. People threaten people when they don’t want them to take action but try to remember who is in the wrong in the first place. My mother threatened to sue me if I wrote anything publically that she didn’t like, but the thing is that if none of this stuff happened to me I would not have anything to write about. I am not the one who is in the wrong here.
Hugs, Darlene

112

P.S. Kathleen
You may want to start with calling the police.
Hugs, Darlene

113

The way your grandfather justified why he was “allowed” to molest your cousin is exactly the way my grandfather justified hurting me. I wasn’t allowed to leave my legs open, do my hair, do my makeup, speak well (big words or complex speach = seductive/womanly), dress well, or other wise stand out and look nice. I wasn’t even allowed to leave the group and sit on my own in another room of the house. If I did any of these things, I was saying that I wanted to attract men, namely him. I had to be invisible to stay safe which was hard because he lived with us.

114

Hi Silent One
Welcome to EFB
That is CRAZY! Putting that kind of responsibility on a kid (or on any person for that matter) is so crazy. Who the hell was HE? What was HIS responsibility. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone and I am glad you are here.
Hugs, Darlene

115

Wow Darlene, how nice of your parents to put you in harms way so as not to rock the boat. I was also treated the same way.

Although I was older, between 9 & 12 & my molester was a “friend” of my parents. It seems like they were all in on it. The friend’s wife who would direct dad to put me in harms way, or would distract my parents so her husband had his chance to use me for his sexual pleasure, or when he asked permission to take me off alone & dad granted it. He & his wife also groomed me, using horses, live or in books,or models. They all knew I was horse crazy. At home, my parents often discussed him within earshot of me. I suppose they did that to set me up & make me the responsible party without actually coming right out & telling me that I should stay away from him. How exactly was that even possible since they all conspired to put me in harms’ way? I don’t get it. Unless all of them got some perverse pleasure out of the circumstances…I suppose that it’s possible.

What a bunch of sick sick people. 🙁 I never had a chance.

Thanks for the new perspective on the subject. I realize that this is an old thread. First time I have run across it.

January

116

Hi Darlene! sometimes when I read your articles I am relieved to know I am not alone and saddened that there are so many of us that experienced such cruelty.

These articles trigger things I thought I dealt with until I feel something inside that makes me feel so disturbed. I didn’t realize how confused I was as a child always trying to process the strange things that went on in our family. I always seem to be a witness to things I wish I could forgot. I still find myself peeling back memories of used I was as a child. I was used by adults to hurt other people because I was so afraid of what would happen to me if I didn’t. I was used directly and indirectly but the bottom line is I always felt powerless. I come from a very sick family who thought children had no value, adults seemed to earn there power through having children of their own so they could start the cycle all over again.

The most loving thing I have ever done is to not have children. I was terrified to have children because I learned to be afraid of myself and what I might do if I did have children. I honestly thought I was a monster and didn’t deserve to have a family of my own.

I know understand why I have held my back from socializing with people and getting involved in groups. I felt so inadequate and thought I had nothing to offer except for all my sick secrets and who wants to hear about that. I still find myself sharing things about the past and and then feel uncomfortable afterwards. I’ve hit such a layer of vulnerability in my healing work that I feel raw.

I do find myself asking God why I was born and why I endured what I have because I need to find meaning in my life. I need to believe that God does love me and that there is a purpose for me being here. Even though I have come so far, the damage I feel inside still intimidates me into believing I will never be whole and healthy enough to serve God in a meaningful way. I know I am in all the right supports and this article reminds me that I still have a ways to go in my healing.

I used to feel guilty for cutting my family away from my life and now I am asking myself why I didn’t do it sooner. I guess I just didn’t have the courage to go deep enough to face the truth. I am grateful that I have the courage today and I just have to keep hoping that one day I will feel a solid sense of peace and wholeness within myself. I have moments, but I still struggle to hold it on a regular basis.

I’m just so grateful that more people are talking about this and sharing because it’s through sharing that the shame, fear and guilt no longer have such a strong hold on me. Thank you so much for all your inspirational work and congrats on all your success with books and interviews. Namaste!

117

shame on your mother for doing this to you, darlene. i would not be able to eat peanuts ever again! i am glad you are free of this in your life now.

118

Hi everyone, I read your sad stories and I want to cry for all of you. I to, along with my five sisters walked into a pedophile ring headed by my grandfather. We had just migrated from England and as we had no where to live, so we had to live on the block in a bungalow. My grandparents lived in the house, my aunt lived in the converted garage.

We were five, six, I was seven, my older sisters were nine, ten and twelve. We were also told not to back chat, respect your elders etc.
I particularly remember my grand father as he was the worse offender. He would make us touch him whilst pretending to sit with us watching TV in the dark. No one ever come in to check on us, we would huddle on the floor in a circle and try to ignore him telling us to sit next to him on the couch. He was a hard working pillar of the community according to everyone so nobody suspected a thing.

He raped my ten year old sister, I escaped being raped as a cousin walked in and I ran screaming. My twelve year old sister was molested by his son, our uncle, she ended up pregnant and they made her marry the bastard. The other uncle in the garage would watch us as we played in the yard and would call you over to the open window where he’d sit exposed.
I would try to avoid them but it was exhaustive. Dad and mum had seperated and mum spent a lot of time with her mother shopping etc, so we were unsupervised and at the mercy of this pedophile ring. I to this day wonder how no one suspected anything.

My dear ten year old sister died at 57 yrs old from cancer and my five yr old sister died at eighteen from an unknown cause.

I found out from my niece today that my older sister was also raped by my two older brothers, the eldest brother lived with my grandparents and was probably groomed by my grandfather, he apparently threatened to beat my younger brother if he didn’t do it, who I believe in later years was very remorseful for what he did.

My mothers family were pure evil and our lives were a horror tale, the effects of which still haunt each of us to this day. I told my mother and at first attempt she wouldn’t hear of it, I finally sat her down years later and made her listen. She cried and said she was so sorry and that her father had put his hands up her dress as a girl growing up, and that he’d been raped by farmers as an orphan in Ireland. I can’t forgive him for what he did, I doubt I ever will, he should have been protective of his own instead we paid for what other pedophiles did to him.

Pedophilea is the most disgusting crime one can commit, I would have preferred to have been murdered, at least the pain ends their.

Love and hugs to all.

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