May
11

My Freedom ROCKS! Emotional Healing and Self Love

By

freedom rocks self love self care
My Freedom ROCKS!!

I have decided to throw my Freedom Rock in the pond in our pasture right here on our farm over 1800 miles away from the child abuse that I suffered but where the emotional abuse of my childhood continued even as an adult and where my depressions increased until I no longer believed there was any hope for me. This is also the place where I did my healing. This is the land that I rode my horse on for hours and days on end, walked for hours meditating and contemplating what had happened to me and the false messages that I believed because of it. This is the land that I raised my kids on and the land where I took my life back.   

My freedom ROCK is going to be based on the following quote by Alice Miller

“The way we were treated as small children is the way we treat ourselves the rest of our lives; with cruelty or with tenderness and protection.” Alice Miller

I made a decision quite a while ago that I was done treating myself the same way that I had been treated by others. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. Enforcing that decision that I was “done discounting me” has been a whole other ball game. In the beginning I came to realize that I had put myself last so much and for so long that I never even considered what I might have wanted and when asked I didn’t have an answer. The learning curve on this one has been huge for me. Even in wholeness I didn’t listen to myself, just like I had not been listened to. I had to learn to listen to myself and validate what myself was trying to tell me. If I was tired, I had to learn to let myself rest. If I was hungry I had to learn to nourish myself with healthy foods. I had to learn to “catch” the con job that I was doing on myself, telling myself that something good, was not so good.  

In the process of emotional healing I constantly had to reassure myself that I was on the right track. I had to validate that I had been mistreated. (I had been blamed for my problems for so long that I believed I deserved everything that happened to me.) I had to convince myself that I deserved better than the ways that I had been regarded and disregarded for most of my life. I had to start the healing process validating that there was damage that I deserved to heal from. I had to learn to treat myself according to the true definition of love.

And that is a process that I also had to learn to apply to the way that I regarded and treated me.  

I love chocolate and potato chips and convinced myself for years that they were a treat and a comfort that I ‘deserved’. After I ate them however, I never felt good. My reward was really a punishment and I could see flashes of the past intertwined with the ways that I had learned to treat myself. Many of the “rewards” that I had received in my childhood were actually punishments too. Rewards that had “obligation” attached to them and rewards that had a price tag caused me to get my definition of “reward” mixed up. Sometimes rewards were a payment to make up for something bad that happened or a pre payment for something bad that was about to happen. Compliments used for the purpose of grooming me to be compliant made me very wary of compliments; even compliments from myself.  All these things went into the grid of my belief system.  I learned to treat myself the dysfunctional and disrespectful way that I had been treated by others.  I broke agreements that I made with myself, I lied to myself and as a result I no longer trusted myself.

This past year I have been getting deeper at the roots of the trouble I’ve had with self care. I have been looking at where it all began and my own history with “self love and self care”.  I’ve spent a lot of time looking at the way I’ve treated myself and the roots of that treatment and my belief system around that self treatment.  I noticed that I broke agreements with myself. I became aware of how often I lied to myself, conned myself or convinced myself that something that wasn’t good for me, was really not bad for me or that there was a “good reason” to justify it. I saw where I had learned to treat myself that way. I realized that just like with everything else in my life, I had learned it very young. I learned to discount me, just like I had been discounted. And I learned to try harder with myself just like I always tried harder for everyone else but in the end I was never good enough for me; in the end by my own actions, I didn’t show myself love.

About seven months ago as a result of paying closer attention to the way that I regard myself, I started to make some changes in the way that I treat myself and I have been learning to listen to myself when it comes to self care. In the first couple of years of recovery and emotional healing I learned to re-parent myself. I am taking that process to a deeper level now because my understanding is at a deeper level.

SO, my freedom rock is going to be about nurturing my relationship with me in a deeper way and letting go of “self abuse” and self disregard. I am going to take my rock and write my vows to me on it. I am done with discounting myself and my needs. I am going to continue to listen to myself and keep working on regaining my own trust.  

I promised myself that I would finish my book and create a companion work book so that I could generate an income from the full time work that I do here in EFB. The first book has been sitting on my desk waiting to be sorted through for almost a year because I put this website, my blog posts and answering the comments BEFORE myself and my needs. I take breaks when I am burned out instead of before I get burned out, and I spend over $200.00 a month out of my own pocket to support this website. I always told myself that it is my passion for wholeness that drives me to do too much and put the bigger projects that I always had in mind on the back burner but in fact it has been my expectations of myself that have gotten in the way of my completing those projects like my books. It is putting others needs before my own needs, just like I was always trained and taught to do in the past. It is a “left over false belief” that my value can be “proven” by my actions.

One of the readers here shared that she was going to draw a “box” on her Freedom ROCK to represent that she was no longer in it, and she was throwing that BOX into the deep. That really resonated with me as I so often talked about “the box” in the first few years of my emotional healing and could really relate to having been in the box that abuse, neglect and unreasonable expectations from others put me in for most of my life.

I am going to draw an empty box on my Freedom ROCK too.  My box is going to represent “the part of the box” that I still had part of myself in even in recovery. It is going to represent the letting go of unreasonable expectations of myself. It is going to represent that not only have I empowered myself to stand up to abuse and refuse to accept not being treated as equally valuable FROM other people, it will also serve to remind myself that I won’t accept it from ME anymore either!

My freedom rock is going to represent MY declaration of freedom and Wholeness when it comes to self care and self love!

Please share your thoughts and your Freedom ROCKS stories here.  If there are freedom ROCKS stories shared on other freedom ROCKS category posts I might add them to the comments in this post so that people can come and read them all in one place.

Inspiring hope, freedom, wholeness and celebration of life!

Darlene Ouimet                                                             

There are some great ideas for freedom rocks shared in the following related posts and their comments; Freedom ROCKS about page

The Motivation behind Freedom Rocks by Mimi 

What freedom rocks means to me by Lauralee

 

 

Categories : Freedom Rocks

124 Comments

1

I once made a ritual cloak and then went into the countryside, found a suitable tree and performed a ceromony – I burned a few pieces of paper representing a past that was at an end that I wanted to leave there.

Sometimes we seem to need to externalise, to create ritual so that our inner world becomes material.

This week I’ve been doing some house repairs that have been put off for a long time. This week it felt like ritual. The various things I’ve done have an analog in my life and existence. It felt like self-care, a declaration – “This is who I am, and that’s fine”

It was reinforced by someone’s attempt to invalidate me. I found myself thinking “No, you on’t understand, you don’t get a vote, your opinion does not matter. I choose how I live my life and who I share it with because that is my right as a human being,”

2

I feel like this was written just for me today. I am very “raw” in my emotions dealing with the deepest core issues I have ever faced from abuse and neglect and I wasnt going to go on this site for a few days to try to calm down, but I decided that I would read something different today and found this new article and it really speaks to my heart. I wanted to comment to Darlene…I was thinking about what you wrote about how you have used your own money and ended up putting your needs last again. It is so easy to do that when you have the desire to help someone! In your case, to help SO many people! It can swallow you up until before you know it, the old patterns resume and you are left burnt out. I love the idea that you begin again to get out of the habits of putting everyone else before yourself! I would pay to go on this site. I also think that a book and workbook would be powerful tools for people that are already on this site, and for even many many more. What you share and what you do and what your testimony are all about is amazing and noone else has this ability like you do that I have EVER seen or known or read anywhere…and I have been in the process of healing and overcoming my entire adult life and have searched for help! I hope I am not out of line in encouraging this, but I say GO FOR IT! It certainly isnt about the money for you, that is so clear, but you cant be going into debt either and putting yourself last. That isnt fair to YOU.

I am going to go to the waterfront close to where I live on Mother’s Day…and throw my rock in …the freedom to NOT celebrate an abusive woman. Also, the freedom IS there for me and I am going to throw it to represent all of the good things that are coming for ME in MY life…and that includes fully learning to validate myself and my wants in a healthy balanced way…and to treat others no better than I would treat myself! FREEDOM ROCKS!

3

I don’t have a rock, but I do have 4 stones that will each have a name on it. I’ll be throwing them in a pond not too far from the house and say goodbye to the pain these 4 names caused me for so many years. Time to take control over the old power they had over me. Whenever I waver, I will think of their hurtful legacy, sitting at the bottom of the pond where they can no longer do any harm.

This might be a good yearly tradition: Mother’s Day weekend, cast a stone as a reaffirmation of the end of the power our Mother (or another toxic influence) had over us.

4

Ceramony is a good thing. I really “felt” the Freedom Rocks ritual in my soul. I am attaching my key to my rock, so the door can never be opened. I am throwing out the lies. I am throwing out the scapegoat. I am throwing away the “not good enough” life. I will be preforming an 11 minute mantra “Adays Tisay Adays” this is a yoga mantra to RELEASE FEAR AND DOUBT. This is a mantra that i practiced for 40 days. It is an amazing experience, and one i credit to opening a flood of releasing and cleansing. I will be on the river bank about 30 miles from my home. This is a beautiful river, and it runs swiftly.
I will be taking pictures and posting them on Facebook. I am so honored to be a part of this liberating action. Blessings all

5

Darlene, I have been thinking simular thoughts about myself. I think I don’t have value for myself or what I do if it isn’t helping or serving someone else. I also, shoot myself in the foot a lot when it comes to personal success. I get to the edge of it and I fall apart, freeze, whatever it takes to keep myself from really succeeding in anything on my own.

If Freedom Rocks had taken place a month ago, I know I would have had all kinds of things to write on it but a lot of new information has surfaced since then and I’m back to mourning, meditating, and seeking the truth. I’m confused about what to write because I feel confused right now but I think that simply, I’ve stopped the abuse that I put up with all my life both from myself and others is probably, honest. I’m not yet free from all the effects of that abuse but I’m much quicker at acknowledging a problem and I immediately get to work on it. I no longer harbor and protect abuse and abusers. That’s major. I’m hurting right now but I’m not immobilized with depression and that is a major accomplishement, also. Thank you for this post that helps me realize that deeper inner work doesn’t mean I’ve slid backward into something that I’ll never escape from. It is freedom through truth that continues to delve deeper into my inner self toward greater healing. That’s a good thing, even when it hurts like hell!

Love,
Pam

6

Love the idea of a freedom rock…when does self loathing turn into self loving? I have thrown this rock over and over. Just when I think I am free, something happens to bring up all that negative stuff. I completely understand Pam. I don’t know if I will ever get free but I will keep learning how to deal with it – the truth – so that it does not dictate my life (which at times it does). I am stubborn and will not give in to it.
I really want to be a whole, complete woman but I don’t know what that is. It always seems to be fractured and I have no referance to use. On the other hand, by whose definition of wholeness am I using. I have realized that no one has had the ideal family or spouse. There are skeltons in everyones closet. It is how you deal with it that shows. It is also the self realization of things that make us sensitive to what makes up our lives and how we deal with it- wallow or fight…move on or dwell. I choose to fight. I choose to move on….but it is a challenge.

7

Pam, I am hurting right now too and dealing with the most painful issues that happened to me….so I send you hugs and comfort! I loved and appreciated what you wrote about realizing that deep inner work doesnt mean that you’ve slid backward into something you will never escape from….that is great statement and reminder! Choosing to keep fighting and moving forward will get us there one day! I felt a measure of comfort myself as I read your words!

8

Darlene,
I found my Rock today! It’s the size of my hand, thick & heavy. It will represent the toxic shame & guilt I’ve been carrying since childhood. One side has the word Guilt & the other has Shame written in black paint marker. The rock has four sides, so I included the False words attached to Toxic Guilt & Shame & the True words attached to Healthy Guilt & Shame. It’s about realizing the definitions. That is eye opening to me! My abusers are the Toxic side & I’m the healthier side, for facing the damage, finding the Truth & Healing myself. Hoping I will let it go far & sink to the bottom of the muddy pond I intend to throw it in! This rock will be a symbolic moment of taking back my freedom! I’ll keep ya posted!!
Sonia

9

Darlene,
Tommorow I will performing a ritual with my rock. I have recently fallen for yet another unavailable man, a pattern which has played out in my life for decades. I had an NPD mother and an enabling father. He put my mothers needs before anything and anybody else. Even when she was behaving like a raving lunatic, he protected and idolised her. When I was 10 years old, I forgot to bring home a loaf of bread that she had asked me to buy. She went absoloutley batshit crazy, slamming doors, screaming and breaking things. My father said what was possibly the most damaging thing anyone has ever said to me. He told me “Your mother is always right. Whatever she says and does is right and you must never forget that, and in future, when someone tells you to do something, no matter how much you dont want to, you MUST DO WHAT THEY ASK”. From that, I internalised 3 false beliefs which would poison my life for decades after. “1.I have no right to refuse to do anything, or say no to anyone. 2. People have a right to behave innapropriately around me and I must accept their bad behaviour. 3. I must not expect to come first with the men in my life”. When I was 14 he died and became physically unavaible as well as emotionally. When I grew up I attracted partners who were mostly NPD and those who were not, were unable for a variety of reasons to make me a priority in their lives or to give me the love I wanted. The men who could give me what I wanted , I wasnt attracted to. So I am going to love and care for myself by finally letting go of yearning for my fathers love. I hope this will free me up to attract healthy love in the future. Happy rock-throwing, everyone! Love from Sylvia

10

Diane, I’m sorry that you’re hurting but it’s nice to have someone who understands. This is the hardest, most painful part for me too. I’ll be glad when it’s over. Have a wonderful weekend.

Pam

11

It has been only 4.5 mo since my abusive mother died & most of my relatives turned their backs on me.

My rock represents the belief that if I take the high road, forgive, and love people despite their lack of love for me, eventually they will love me in return. I will be 40 this year. My dad only lived to age 59. My mother, 70. If I have 20 or 30 years left, I don’t want to waste any more time wondering and worrying and waiting and wishing for people to love me back, who are either incapable, unwilling, or unavailable to love me.

God has blessed me with myriad friends, a loving husband, children, and a few precious relatives who value me in their lives. I just feel like life’s too short to pour energy that I should be giving *them* to people who can take me or leave me. Just because someone is civil, or gives me a few minutes of courtesy once every ten to fifteen years doesn’t mean they love me. I don’t really even care what it means about them, anymore. I have filled my life with loving people, like a garden of favorite flowers, and I will tend my own.

Thanks, Darlene.

Much love to you and all the lovely people here.

12

Hi Mike
I like your “declaration” “This is who I am and that’s fine” Yes. That is awesome!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Diane
There are times in this process that we need to rest and let what we have learned so far “gel and set”.
I am looking forward to your freedom rock story! I was so busy yesterday that I haven’t created my rock yet, but I have the rock and the plan!
Thank you so much for your lovely comments and encouragement.
hugs, Darlene

13

Hi Drained
4 stones is awesome! And it sounds like you are ready to release the pain! Freedom Rocks is going to be a bi yearly event and I love your idea to do a “reaffirmation” for those of us who have thrown a rock already!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Debbie
Love the idea of your rock/key and doing a mantra! I would love to see the pictures. I am thinking about doing a page here for pictures if anyone sends me theirs.
Hugs, Darlene

14

Hi Pam
Thats right! The deeper inner work doesn’t mean that you have slid backwards! I can relate to your feelings here. I was terrified of sliding into depression so much that everytime I got exhausted from the deep work of healing, I was scared, it took several years for me to accept that the exhaustion was not depression and I was still okay!
Thanks for sharing this Pam. By the way, I want to do this event again in the fall so if you are not ready this time, there will be a next time.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Barb
You asked “When does the self loathing turn into self loving?” and for me that happend when I got to the bottom of HOW I came to self loathing in the first place. Where the “broken” happened to me and what happened to my self esteem. That is what this whole site is about. It isn’t about accepting other people faults as much as it is about facing and aknowledging the damage that was caused. I didn’t know what “whole” was either, but I knew it when I got there!
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

15

Darlene,
I am celebrating the attention you have determined to give yourself. I have wondered how you keep up with it all. This website alone… all the responses you write. It’s more than I could do. I appreciate it, but I appreciate your honesty and the example you are in moving toward self care. It’s a REALLY important part of the process for me.

I think EFB is so frequently used and seen, that it’s almost self supporting in terms of sharing and commenting. I certainly don’t expect you to respond to everything I write ~ I want you to know that for sure. I’ve found so much support in the comments from others, and even if no one comments, I’ve still gotten off my chest and there is freedom in that. Also, this is a refuge for me and I suspect for many people. I don’t expect to always see or hear from you here. It’s still my safe place.

I battle self care too. I bet nearly everyone here does. I hope you take steps to free yourself up for writing and “you” time. I’ve often read that before we can take care of others effectively, we must first take immaculate care of ourselves. I believe that.

Here’s to new and fantastic efforts toward self care ~ for you, me, and everyone!
Love to you,
Mimi
ps ~ I love that you’re putting a box on your rock.

16

Hi Sonia
Your rock sounds awesome! I can’t wait to hear the story when you TOSS it!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Sylvia
Welcome to EFB
Oh MY GOSH ` that is brutal~ That is exactly what we are talking about here in EFB. The damage and the beliefs that they result in. And we ARE attracted to what has become familiar and what is comfortable for us. Your rock and your intentions for throwing it sound awesome!
Hugs, Darlene

17

Hi Leslea
Wow… oh my gosh that is a huge belief to let go of. That is awesome! That statement ( the belief that “if I take the high road, forgive, and love people despite their lack of love for me, eventually they will love me in return”) is exactly what I constantly talk about here in EFB as the definition of victim mentality. THAT was one of my biggest false beliefs that I had to let go of too.
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Mimi!
Isn’t this all so exciting! yes.. my new level of self care. It is stunning to me that I learned self care with my family and my “in person life” and then when it came to my professional life, I made the same mistakes from the same “victim mentality” with a few different details. YAY for layers of growth! I am looking forward to the “rock stories”
Hugs, Darlene

18

Leslea,
I so get what you said. My mother managed my life for 43 years. She’s fired now. It’s so freeing to say that.

It is a waste of precious time waiting for people to show love. People who can say it, but can’t show it. People who pop in and out now and then with no consistency. God has also blessed me with great friends and this amazing support network I’ve found in EFB. I was dying when I found EFB. I know God brought me here to save my life. My circle is small, but safe. I don’t have intentions of wasting anymore time either. After 43 years, it’s time to enjoy life and return the love that’s given to me by people who truly love. People who actually put effort into the relationship; who love me for me, flaws and all, without contempt and judgment. 43 years of putting up with that crap is enough for me.

I recently read this, “If your presence can’t add value to my life, your absence will make no difference”. So true. Another one that touched my soul, “sometimes you have to give up on people, not because you don’t care, but because they don’t”. We OWE it to ourselves to be in the presence of people who do care. It’s self defeating to continue to try to squeeze love out of people who couldn’t care less. It’s wasted energy and emotional strength. And, it reaffirms the idea that most of us have bought into as a result of abuse…. we have no value. To seek people who continually walk away just cements that false belief that we have no value. I have finally found enough strength in my process to let them keep walking. It’s my personal reward system of self respect and honor. Thank you for sharing. It was a good reminder for me.
With love and hope,
Mimi

19

Darlene,
I’m really looking forward to rock stories too. REALLY looking forward to it.

I appreciate this post so much. I was slipping in self care from recent revelations. I usually have to process and mourn for a while….. then out comes the determination. I’m feeling that determination today and your post here really helped me reassure myself. Thank you for all you do.
With love,
Mimi

20

Sylvia…you are the first person that I have encountered who expressed my family dynamic…it terms of parents who behaved like this! I always thought “mom’s” episodes were some psychotic thing going on, but i had never thought that she had NPD before. My dad was exactly like yours…always defending her crazy, controlling, abusive behavior and putting her needs and wants before everyone elses…including his own. I cant tell you how many times he would tell all of us kids that “she deserves this, dont you agree?” after he had outrageously lavished her with “things” that she just had to have. I never realized the craziness of the amount of things she had until I got older.My dad had me believing that we were poor so I used to sew up the holes in my socks because I didnt get new ones…and I never thought twice about it! Maybe that was his way of defending his ridiculous passiveness to himself. One year I saved up my money and bought her a 2 pound box of chocolates…I was very excited to give it to her because she used to eat mini candy bars almost every night and I knew how much she loved chocolate. She opened the box and literally threw it into the air and began screaming at me that she was on a diet and how she cant eat these! It was insane and I cried after I left the room! I feel like I can picture that loaf of bread episode that you had to suffer through and I am sorry that it happened to you! My parents are still alive and I cut them off forever last year. I got to the point where the insanity had to stop for me to feel free. I am still working on that! I think maybe a rock to be thrown on Father’s day would be a good thing now that I have been pondering what you have been saying. It is extremely painful to be devalued by your father because he was so obsessed and wouldnt or couldnt see you! Our fathers should have protected us against the mental illness of these women and when that didnt happen..and it was defended and pounded into us that SHE was right…always right…when clearly “she” was throwing temper tantrums and had some major crazy issues…it did create mixed messages about the type of men we would end up choosing. I had a string of very unhappy relationships before I met my husband, and even my husband tends to be emotionally withdrawn and introverted. He has been working on his issues the last year or so, and so have I and increasingly he is opening up and understanding me ….after nearly 19 yrs of marriage. It is amazing to hear of someone who knows exactly what I went through. I am going to research that disorder today and maybe that will help me have more understanding so that I can really throw my rock in the water tomorrow and celebrate NOT having to celebrate HER ever again. Peace and hugs and comfort to you today!

21

I have eight small rocks: one for each parent, one for a cold extended family who bent too much to my father; one for my nursing co-workers/managers who were cruel, cold, exploitative & unfocused on their patients as their highest priority; one for a man who broke my heart after I’d had so much trauma which he knew about; one for my lousy ex-husband long ago, and one for endometriosis. Each rock has the initials or name of the subjects, the date and the letters “FU”. I am debating whether I want to invest energy into going to water. I I feel I have invested too much energy & time in these subjects already … or if I simply want to let them go out in Monday’s trash pick-up, because it does feel like trash. I made one more rock: my initials, the date and the word, “HEAL”. And it now sits at my kitchen sink where I can see it several times during the day and night.

22

Hi Kim
I think it is cool how many people (like you) are making this their own expression of freedom. The trash is a wonderful idea and having a small rock for different people is a great idea too. I LOVE your 9th rock idea!!! That could really catch on! What a great addition to this whole event!
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

23

~ I just finsihed making my freedom rock. I put two boxes on it. A box within another box to represent a deeper layer of understanding. In the bigger box I wrote that it represented a reaffirmation of the letting go the first box in my healing process. I learned self care so well with my in person life, and I was shocked to realize that I had to learn it again with my professional life. The inner box represents what I am letting go of today.
I wrote “good bye” sentences. I used different colours and I think it turned out pretty well!

Now to go and throw it. I have to wait for my husband; he is throwing one too.
Hugs, Darlene

24

Darlene, I like your idea of drawing boxes on the rocks, and “good bye” sentences. I drew boxes around the names on my small rocks to help contain their toxicity and wrote good bye on each one. I’m saying good bye to their power over me and all the toxic input I got from these people. Is there a place to post photos of our Freedom Rocks and where we throw them?

25

@Kim

Trash 🙂 you’ll never know where the rocks end up so there’s no place to go to remember them. It’s final, throwing out the past. It’s rich in symbolism 🙂

26

Darlene,
I’m so thrilled your husband is joining you. I meant to mention that a while back. I love your box ideas.

Kim M,
I love your rock variety. It totally struck some nerves. I too was in a situation for several months where, my nursing co-workers and manager were cruel and cold, to their patients and to me near the end of my career there. Despite bein turned in for harrassing a little old lady patient in the middle of the night, the hospital chose to turn their heads and continue to protect and promote this nurse, A lot of witnesses too. Truly disgusting.

I too had endometriosis before having a total hysterectomy over ten years ago.

So many similarities between people here.

I have a rock a friend gave me as a gift about 20 years ago. It has hope engraved in it. It has been in my armoir for years and years. I believe it’s time to get it out and put it in the kitchen window like you have done. Daily reminders help!!
Peace to all,
Mimi

27

Kim M,
Mommy in a landfill… haha!!
Mimi

28

Ha ha that’s brilliant, I never thought of throwing Mommy in the bin, I think that must be the ultimate ‘up yours’

29

Hi Drained
Love your boxes idea. Some boxes are to keep things IN and other boxes represent no longer ‘being in’.

Anyone who wants to send me a picture, send me an email through the contact form and I will send you an email about where to send the pic.

Throwing the rocks in the trash is a great idea. I was also thinking for people who were not close to water or didn’t want to go too far to do this, writing on a kleenex and flushing it down the toilet would work well too!

Hugs, Darlene

Hugs!

30

LOL: Hi everyone. Yeah the thought of all those rocks and past pain in a landfill makes me laugh too. And it’s not one more thing to ruin the environment either. They could survive there forever and never degrade, lol. I think I will have my ceremony with the dumpster and take it to the curb Sunday night. Thanks for your responses, have a great weekend everybody.

31

Diane, it was lovely to hear from you, it is incredibly validating to know that others have gone through the same stuff, and that, we as children, were not to blame, either for a parents personality disorder or the other parents co-dependancy issues. My theory is that, when a person is defending a partner who is clearly mentally ill and abusing the children in the family home, they are actually defending THEMSELVES. They are defensive about their own poor choice of partner, and are in a massive amount of denial regarding their own issues. And yes, of course, it totally distorts our perception of what is right and wrong. I am so glad that you have decided to love and care for yourself by going no-contact, My parents have both been dead for some years now, but if they were still alive, I would have definitely gone NC, as I have with my siblings who are in complete denial, yet still living out the old patterns of misery and abuse. I just wont have this s**t going on any more. They say it is the most emotionally healthy children who suffer the greatest abuse in a dysfunctional family and I would agree with that, they cannot tolerate our honesty and ability to see things as they really are, it SCARES them. They are terribly afraid of being UNMASKED! I am so sorry to hear that you have had such awful experiences, but isnt it wonderful that we have found Darlenes site and each other. Lots of love from Sylvia x

32

Sylvia, if I could give you a big hug in person right now, I would! Every word that you have written has become a puzzle piece that has been missing in my understanding . I researched NPD and guess what? My “mom” has nearly ALL of the symptoms of this disorder. There are several that she doesnt, but I was blown away. My father was the enabled…the co dependent, and I agree with you that when he allowed the insane reactions and behaviors of her to be JUSTIFIED and EXCUSED, he was indeed doing so for himself as well. Well said! When I read all of the symptoms, it was like the missing puzzle piece showed up to complete the puzzle of my childhood. It makes sense …all of the horrific abuse of both parents…the neglect…the rejection…the control…the lies…the secrets…the shame and guilt I felt were FALSE because I had two parents who never should have had any children, but because they did….I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, so to speak. I realized today as I was understanding this mental/personality disorder, that it wasn’t ME….it would have been ANY child who was perceived to be standing in the way of what she wanted. She wanted my dad…my dads money…her own children…to be perfect and right and everything and everyone to do circles around her and do her every whim. And on and on it goes. I was up most of last nt thinking about the various abuses and things that were extremely painful to remember, and this may sound silly, but I was attempting to envision the grownup ME rescuing the liitle Diane from each of those horrible memories and “scenes” in my mind. In my mind, I pictured and felt when I hid in the closet…so the grown Diane reached into the closet and pulled myself out and then smashed in the closet. I pictured the croquet stick and fraternity paddle that dad used on me…and I broke them and threw them on the ground. You get the point! I went over every single episode where I was abused or neglected or felt shame that I could remember last nt and I killed, smashed, broke, everything in my old houses…put the people in jail where they belonged, rescued my little girl and comforted her …and then I set the houses on fire because they were hell-holes in my emotions. Now I have read your words that ring true and your situation that was so similar, and realized the parenting dynamic. Thank you so much for sharing. Hang in there about finding a guy who will love you and treat you with the concern and love and value that you deserve. The healthier we become internally, the healthier a person we draw to ourselves is what I have heard. If that is truth, then with just a bit more valuing and validation of you and your life…..and a dab more of learning self-care and self-nurturing….you will succeed at last and all of those old family s—-y patterns will be gone and broken! Enjoy tossing your rock! It really is so symbolic. I like the trash idea better than the water for myself, so mine is going into the garbage . I am throwing in two extra stones , painted green….for HER eyes that are green and looked like cold hard rocks every time she looked at me. Hugs and thanks to you!

33

Darlene,
I’m so excited right now about my Freedom Rock ceremony! I just finished writing & decorating my rock. I definitely expressed myself & my feelings! I have the words “Shame, Guilt, Toxic, Broken, Shattered, Healing, Freedom & Whole” on the top & sides of my rock. I decided to put the negative words in black boxes and to stick colorful peace signs on all four corners of the rock. The Peace signs surrounding the Toxic and the Truth words. There is an opening on the top for a tea light candle, which will be lit. I’m going to say a few words out loud, before tossing it. I’m going to be with my feelings & stay focused. I look forward to sharing my experience, so I will end my comment for now. Stay Tuned!
Peace & Positive Affirmations for all the Rock Tossers! For Freedom Rocks!!
Sonia

34

I was going to throw my rocks today, but decided Mother’s Day would be more symbolic. Throwing them tomorrow…

35

Sylvia,
I love what you said about, “they say it’s the most emotionally healthy children that suffer the most abuse in a dysfunctional family…they can’t tolerate our honesty and ability to see things as they really are.” I agree, they are living a lie and it IS phony! It’s twisted how the fingers get pointed at us for speaking the Truth. I’m NC with my brother and LC with my parents & sister. My brother chose to walk away from me because, I spoke the truth & he was insulted?!!…My parents & sister are a different story and involved with my children, when I do the work of contacting or visiting. I’ve been on the fence about going NC with all of them. The main thing for me is I’m not working hard anymore, to get their acceptance or approval!
Sonia

36

Drained,
Hope you come back & write about your Rock Tossing experience. I like your comments and insight! I’ll be throwing my rock tomorrow too.
Peace to You,
Sonia

37

Hi Everyone
I have decided to throw my rock at 2:00 Estern Standard Time tomorrow (Sunday) if anyone wants to throw at the same time, knowing that at least one other person is doing it then. If you want to know what time that is where you live, just check the world time clock here:

http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/
Hugs, Darlene

38

Sylvia,
I had never heard this statement you made ~ “it is the most emotionally healthy children who suffer the greatest abuse in a dysfunctional family”. I am happy to own it though!! 🙂

Kim M,
When I read what you said about your rocks not degrading in the landfill I instantly thought about diapers for some reason… the strange things that come to my mind. I hear it takes like a hundred years or something crazy, for a diaper to decompose. Then came the thought ~ Whoa, I could write a lot of words on the inside of a diaper, especially the adult size!! LOL. I wouldn’t do it, but for whatever reason, my mind drifted there!

SMD,
I just now read what you wrote in reference to Sylvia’s statement. It definitely caught my eye too. It’s a tough process, but I’d rather have it this way, than live the lies anymore and the phony crap. It is what it is and there’s no shame or sin in admitting it and trying to work through it. I view it as not having a choice because by the time I landed here, I was a total basket case. I cannot even describe it. The confusion and murky thoughts and rumination were constant. It was taking over my life. It did take over my life. I no it was no accident that I found EFB.

Diane,
About this time last year I started researching narcissism too. I found some excellent information and I was glued to my computer for days in awe. I too was awake at night going over the different events and tragedies of childhood. I didn’t go through the rituals like you did, but I love the idea of it and I plan to make time to do the same thing. I was so floored by all the stuff I read and how closely my mom fit the description. I remember the first page I read, a huge knot began to form in my stomach. I knew it was my mother. When I got to the part about them being unable to truly love, I was totally sick. Those were the days that set me on a path to a year of pain and discovery.

Now, I don’t say my mother has NPD. I don’t care what she has. The thought that she might have NPD hasn’t ever gotten me further along in healing. I have little mercy for her. When I think about all the stuff she has said to me over the years, particularly in my teens and beyond, I imagine saying those things to her and what her reaction would be ~ how terribly painful it would be to her. It’s then that I realize I don’t give a flip if there’s a name for her issues. She knew it was wrong or she wouldn’t have said the things she did when there was no one around to hear it. She screwed me up, and these days, that’s all I need to know. I am still very much in process as you can tell. I don’t know if the process will ever really end, but by far it’s gotten easier. I mourned the death of my mother last year. The one that I thought I knew, the one I thought really loved me unconditionally, like a mother should. Now, there’s this shell of a person and I don’t know her. I don’t want to either. I feel bad for the people who long for their mother’s love and who still hurt so deeply for their mother’s embrace and loving tender words, etc. I want my mother to run to the other side of the planet. The one I thought I knew is dead to me.

I’m not sure how I got in this place. I don’t know if it’s because I was blessed to have as much time as I needed to sort things out, mourn, cry, journal, etc. I don’t know how other people get through it when they have to face life every day. I was debilitated by it (among other things). I couldn’t work and I knew it. I couldn’t think well enough to know when to do laundry, how could I be a nurse?? Anyhow, my point is, I had a long period of INTENSE emotions and mourning and I had the chance to emerge from that naturally. Perhaps that’s why I don’t long for her. Maybe the people who long so much for their mothers’ love haven’t been able to process it thoroughly. I don’t know, but I truly feel for them.

Forgive me, I had a diet Mountain Dew earlier…. I don’t usually do that much caffeine and I sure can type when I do!!
Love to everyone and I can’t wait to hear some stories tomorrow!!!
Mimi

39

I’ve been thinking the last few days about what I would write on my rock, and also about the actual throwing of it. I found my rock yesterday; it was kind of a jagged one, which I guess was appropriate given my childhood.

I sharpened a pencil and sat down with my rock in my lap on the back porch. The first words I wrote on it were “wrong gender”. My father had wanted me to be a girl, but I was born a boy, the last of 3 children. So I disappointed him straight from the womb. He had a girl’s name picked out, but since I was a boy he told my mother to name me. His disdain was obvious. My mother told me all this many years later, but I could have guessed it even without her having told me. It fits. As I grew through boyhood, I knew he didn’t like me. There are some things you just know. My two older brothers were the “right” kind of sons – they were on the peewee football teams at a young age, and then in junior high and senior high as well. I was always scrawny (“Are you going to blow away?” my aunt used to always say), and preferred to just be by myself and read. So being born with the wrong set of genitals was my first “mistake”.

The next word I wrote was “Shame”. At 12, I went through a period of about a year of being sexually abused by a relative. This included forcible rape which I came to finally understand that if I simply submitted each time that it would be over sooner. Why my mother never questioned my disappearing underwear that I was disposing of is beyond me. The shame was from being used, “like a girl” as the abuser had told me. Shame from thinking that all my friends would say I was gay if they found out (again, the abuser planting lies in my head). I’ve gotten a lot better now about knowing that the shame was never mine to carry, but sometimes I still fall into times of feeling that shame all over in the same degree.

Next, I wrote “Worthless” on my rock. After the sexual abuse from the first abuser stopped, what little self esteem I had in life was now all but anemic. Of course, my father made me feel worthless on a daily basis, but I now knew that I was very, very different from my peers. At 14, I came very close to ending things when I rode my bicycle down to the railroad tracks and waited on a train. The only thing that saved me from going through with things was fear that I might fail and not be killed. I wasn’t afraid of not being killed, I was afraid of my father and what he would do to me.

The next word was “Guilt”. At 15, a man in my neighborhood, Dave, who I had known for several years took an increased interest in me. He was a psychologist by trade and lived with his wife and two young sons up the street from us. I had known him since I was about 10. At 15, he was now asking me some rather pointed sexual questions about what “positions I liked”, what I thought of his wife’s breasts, etc. And he was giving me porn and wine. When he finally turned our relationship sexual, I didn’t care because I simply justified it by thinking “it’s not like I haven’t done this before.” After Dave abruptly moved away, I felt guilty for having betrayed his wife by doing those things with him. But at 15, that guilt also was not mine to carry – it was Dave’s.

“Whore” was the next word. I thought that to have friends, you had to service them. Several of my so-called “friends” expected this and being the friendless loser that I was I was fine with it.

I next wrote “Boy” on my rock. Whenever my father wanted to emphasize my worthless status to me he would address me as “Boy” when yelling at me. I knew full well that he didn’t consider me a man, even at 18 when I moved out of his house to get away from him.

Those are all the words that I wrote on my rock. But I also did something different. I took one my belts and tightened it around the rock. This was something else I wanted to get rid of with the rock, the memories of my father beating me mercilessly with his shiny black belt. I don’t have to fear him any more now, all these decades later.

I took my rock with the belt down to the river today and walked out on the old iron bridge over it. I decided to do it today because I didn’t want it connected to Mother’s Day. Somehow, if I waited until Mother’s Day it would be like it was my mother controlling me. Given all the ways she failed me in the above and other ways not mentioned, I wanted control over the moment.

I looked at each word again and thought about what each one meant to me. I then threw it as hard as I could through the air with the belt trailing behind it like a streamer. The rock hit the water with a large splash and sank instantly, dragging the belt down with it.

I could say that my mind and soul were instantly transformed, but I think it will take time to digest this event and let it work its way through me. But now, when I find myself slipping into old thought patterns that are trying to destroy me, I can think about each of those words and how they are now at the bottom of the river. But more importantly, I can think about how each and every one of those words was a LIE, a lie that was told and enforced to me daily. It’s time to replace the lies with truths about myself.

40

Eddie,
Thank you for coming back to share your very special event. I’m so sorry for your pain and all you’ve endured.

I feel similar to what you describe. I don’t really expect to be instantly transformed. I know it will be an epic part of my process though. I can sit in my living room and look out at the water anytime, and know that rock is lying at the bottom…. not taking a single breath.

I think the belt idea was brilliant. It must have been so liberating to watch that belt fly through the air.

I am moved by your story, and sorry for it too.
Love and hugs,
Mimi

41

Hi I watched my rocks fly through the air wonderful experience.

I got the photos downloaded I so need to share tham any help to do so please chip in

Paul

42

Paul,
Darlene posted somewhere that if you’re interested in posting pics send her a message through the contact link above and she will reply to you with instructions/link.

Congrats on your amazing experience and thanks for sharing it.

Lauralee,
I looked for you again on the facebook EFB page. I didn’t see any of your posts or likes, but I am going to look more.
Hugs,
Mimi

43

Mimi,
Thanks for your encouraging words!…I agree it is better without the lies & phoniness. It’s such a game & pecking order in abusive/controlling families. I value truth & equality, unfortunately society at large is competitive & materialistic. Being different is not Wrong or a Sin…It’s important to be your own person- Right or Wrong, Good or Bad!…It’s hard to go the path less traveled, but I don’t want to be a carbon copy of everyone else. Being True to yourself is important…That’s finally sinking in!
Peace,
Sonia

44

Eddie, the things you suffered ! I am so very sorry that they happened to you….and that you became the target of your fathers anger and disappointment issues that he never dealt with! I am so sorry that your mother did not protect you…it sounds like she turned a blind eye to all the evil that was happening in your life! I was an “honorary aunt” when I was in my 20s to some very close…very messed up…friends. One of the children was the most adorable little boy who was the sweetest, kind hearted and funny and intelligent little guys and I just doted on him. His father got another job and moved away after several years. I had seen problems back then, but I came from an abusive past so I guess it didn’t hit me back then . Flash forward to a few years ago and my little friend was now in his 20s. One day I discovered what had happened to him after they moved. You KNOW what happened to him! His mother…one of my dearest friends…had so many issues herself that WTH was she when all of this was going on? Her husband…another dear friend…WTH was he? And why would you make a little boy be beaten with a belt while laying face down on the bed…and forbid him to cry, move, or make a sound…..or he got more? This boy was in no way to blame for ANY of it. I could no longer be friends with the parents…I couldn’t deal with what they had not protected him from, and what they did and did not do for him. He is now a raging alcoholic and I know why! Eddie…I think you are amazing and very brave to be dealing with your pain…and for participating in the FREEDOM ROCKS ritual! My heart goes out to you! I hope that you will find that place of peace and healing for real…very soon! There truly was nothing wrong with YOU….what I hit upon today was the very true discovery that it isnt at all about the child…you or me..or any one of us here….these horrific bad things would have happened to ANY child that was in these abusers paths! All that happened to YOU because you were not born a girl is actually only a reflection of their miserable dysfunctions as human beings. Projected garbage! Unrealistic and delusional. Hugs to you!

45

Diane,
It sounds like you are doing some intense inner child work and you have inspired me to do the same. It is fantastic that you are finding the pieces to your puzzle, and isnt it amazing that once we show our willingness to heal, we are presented with opportunities to do just that, even though, initially they may look like painful challenges. Keep digging, keep healing, keep seeking the truth. You owe it to yourself, darling. I woke up this morning realising that my parents instilled in me, a false belief that it was wrong to expect to get what I wanted, and that I should just stand back and let others snatch it all from me. Well, I am done with it. In fact I am BORED with it. There are gona be some big old changes round here, and “self-denial” will be going on my rock! I feel as though you have hugged me, Diane, and I am sending a hug right back to you. Love, Sylvia

46

SMD,
It is very sad that we are sometimes forced to go NC with our
siblings, but when they are in denial about the past, it is terribly invalidating to us, and not condusive to our healing. Sometimes, NC is an act of self-love. Standing in our truth is often a lonely place to be, but worth it if it means we attract healthier love into our lives. I wish you lots of luck, Sylvia

47

Mimi,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about the diaper, it has made me laugh so much! You have gotten my day off to a wonderful start! And yes it IS so important to be ourselves. When we are being what someone else wants, we are robbing the world -and ourselves- of all the wonderful things that we really are. This is the sad thing about the kind of parents that all of us here have had, they never really get to know who their children are. Tragic, isnt it? Good luck, Sylvia

48

Eddie,
Thank you so much for sharing your harrowing story. My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you. Parts of your story really resonate with me, Eddie. I was raped repeatedly by someone outside the family, but didnt dare tell my folks, as my mother would have blamed me, then hushed it up. Theres no way she would have involved the police, as she couldnt stand anyone else being the centre of attention, even if it was for the most negative of reasons. My dad would have just gone along with her, as ever. Although he has been dead for many years, I have written him a letter. I have told him exactly how his failure to protect me from my mother has affected my life, how it set me up to attract every nut in a 50 mile radius, how it made me think that I would never come first with any man. In a way, my mum had an excuse, she was crazy. What was his? I finished off by telling him what a useless b*****d he had been and that he could go **** himself. I felt much better after this and even had myself a good laugh! Eddie, I send you so much love and healing prayers, Sylvia.

49

Darlene,
I cant thank you enough for letting me share with the others on this site, it has given me a tremendous boost, and a feeling of togetherness and support. I love all the rock stories and will try to synchronise my rock throwing with yours. Havent decided where its going yet but have a few ideas up my sleeve. A really stinky stagnant pond would be nice, I shall try to find one! Thank you for using your experiences to help us, love from Sylvia.

50

Hello Darlene/Everyone.

Now it’s time to rock my socks off. one you see my photos you will realise why I say this first.

It’s always been important to me to stress that when I talk and write about my own shocking life experiences and of my poor and physical ill health I’m ”NOT” A Me, Me, Me, Person. in the context of a Media persons version of ME.ME.ME. I have care about others much more than I care about myself, Aint that just right Darlene, HUGS.

This has always been my problem in life after enduring my first trauma at the age of ”Three”. then at Seven, again at the Grand old age of Ten years old. What a vetran of ”Surviving but not thriving” from Horrific violent attack’s upon my BODY and MIND, anyone of which I could have died from shock so horrific were they.

These monstrosities were committed outside the home, Yet even before the age of three I knew something was not quite right about ”Inside the home”. You see there was this sibling I will call ”IT” It as it has no right to be called Human Being. It had already displayed it’s intentions of causing severe harm or death upon me and a Sibling. which it duely obliged for many a year to come. Even before I started Nursery School Me and Sibling faught heroicly to figh for our very life on a daily basis I relive so vividly how once I had to climb on to a chare to climb on to a window cill so I could dive at It as It was beating hell out of sibling but not to much affect as it swatted me away in mid flight. but I would be back on that Cill before he could restart his pounding of sibling. This when on for years, ”HIS” Mother Commonly known as (Nice Little Elsie). In reality was far from being nice except to IT. WWhen she came in from work to discover the Battle of the Century on a daily basis I would plead with her IT’S IT, IT’S IT, IT’S IT, He keep’s hitting us. Oh no it would not do that. So the war continued.

I tipping point came the day before my 14th Birthday I was in the house with it and it’s mother It as usual would ”TRY” To grab on to me (A touchy feely thing) I’m sure you know what I mean. Anyway as he could not get his vile way he instead would try to snap my fingers/hand As I faught it off. So this day He littlrally shuffled his feet away in to the Kitche shouting Mammy, Mammy, Mammy, This a 17 year old. Lot’s of not so hushed whispers I heard then The both of themShuffled their way in to the lounge Elsie was only 5′ 2”It towered over her and was around 5 stone heavier than me a mere 4′ something plank. as they came in to view Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next It was behing her with his hands on her shoulders at arms lenghth he was shuffling his feet slowly forward as if Marking time In military drill fashion. while shepulled him forward while in her old military drill marching in one straight line waving her arms up and down as if she was still in the R.A.F. On the Parade Ground. butshe was shouting out ”What’s going on, What’s going on??? but also looking up side to side acting very strange indeed which would have got her sectioned these day’s. Then she came to a stop done an about turn continued her march her arm waving her looking up her What’s going on routine headed straight for ”ME” As I stood there fixed to the spot frozen in time litrally in shock of her behaviour It was still hand’s on shoulder shuffling routine as her arms landed on my tiny forearms still shouting What’s going on looking up so strangely head not looking in my direction but side to side at the ceiling as she kept lifting my arms up in unison with hers but I was having none of this I know I was in big big trouble so I tried to untangle her hands from me but she had a strong grip and I was frantickly trying to break free by which time It sneacked to the back of me got it’s filthy hand’s arm around my neck and duelly tried to snap my head off. I sharp found super human strenght to pull free and sort it out before Mt head became detatched As they retreated back in to the Kitchen I realised my head was pointing down chin in to my throat I could not lift it up I had to use both hand’s to do so as I fled upstairs to barrakade myself in to the bedroom. My neck was in this position for day’s the Muscles so damaged.

I hope you would agree that I was a whisker from sertain death. and that I had the resillience and determination to ”Survive” The same as earlier when fighting it of Hundred’s of time’s.

It’s this resillience and determination to Survive”that has Miraculously kept me alive so far. So yes Resillient even Brave, Alive thus a ”Survivor” but ”NOT” Living a life nor thriving Only wishing for ”Death”.

This is just a brief glimpse in to my trauma’s I endured horrificly in all my schooling inside the home and around the home In pub’s outside pubs In the workplace Seemingly bad/angry people pick up on my seemingly insicurities/vulnarabilities due to the expression on my face as I constantly re live countless trauatic experiences.and trying to silently lonely make sense of them. Which was Impossible as I never had the ability to. Made so much worse by having no one to talk to no organisation to turn to ”NO ONE TO TRUST”.

So having endured so much I knew the meaning of pain and sorrow so just how could I stand by and let others suffer if I could help them, This is why I always put myself ”LAST” Dearest Darlene.

Putting myself last was not enough, at 16 I tried so many time’s to jump off bridges to rub knive’ over my wrist’s to head butt tree’s wall’s etc. if I was on a night out when visiting the Loo asyou do. I would be standing there smashing my head of the tilled wall’s very painfully I assure you. OOne nigh a lad having observed this Why the F… Are you doing that. My reply as it was many time’s to follow. ”I’m just tying to knock some sense in to my head”). In actual fact I was both punishing myself for being such a failure in life ”Not living or thriving”. But also I was ”SAVING COUNTLESS ABUSERS THE BOTHER” In harming me I done it for them. For years I have deliberately starved myself almost to death same for smoking. a slow form of ”Suicide”. Obviously to Society in General there is no logic ore reasoning to all I write of above. One th one hand you have numerous abusers praying on an emotionally vulnerable helpless child and adult. on the other hand a very brave but emotionally detached from reality helpless ”MIND”. Never having the tool’s to properly defend myself work out what had been going on not able to come up with a solution. just a spiralling depression and none self worth just hoping to just ”DIE”. Trapped in the ”Prison’s of my Mind.

Having cheated death and serious injury hundreds of times I have felt so very guilty in doing so. after all so many thought I should suffer and probably wanted me dead as they obviously thought I had no right to live my life out free of pain. But something happened in the year 2000 that would set me on an incredible Journey and self discovery which has led me to be here with you all. and to cast my Demon’s away trapped within my FREEDON ROCKS. Next is my Possitive story of Survival and off my amazing experience preparing to and casting my Rocks in to the Deep cold Blue North Sea. But wherever you are now I’m thinking of you all and hoping you all have a possitive experiencecasting away your own pain so great.

Paul

51

Mimi Hi thanks for info Just posted firt half of my story I need to get photos up A.S.P. To give encouragement.

HUGS All.

53

[…] My Freedom ROCKS! Emotional Healing and Self Love. Rate this: Share this:ShareEmailTwitterFacebookTumblrPrintLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]

54

Hi all I decided that one rock wasn’t going to be enough to do the job so I decided to have two – one to represent the PAST and the other to be the PRESENT/future. I also decided to throw the past one on Saturday and the present/future on Sunday. On the PAST rock I wrote “No more of her lies” – (mother has done me so much damage,)and “No more self hate”. I also drew lines on the rock to represent binding up those lies and hate and also a key to ‘lock them away’. I went to the river in my village, a lovely sunny morning, found a deep still spot in the otherwise shallow river, said a prayer and threw it as hard as I could and it made a very satisfying ‘ploosh’. I then walked a bit further down and listened to the water babbling over a large stone – very peaceful and healing.
Today I returned to almost the same spot with the other rock. I wrote on this one a Darlene quote “Regard yourself with tenderness & love and live in the truth”. I also drew broken lines to represent ‘loosing’ (as opposed to binding) and a key to represent an ‘opening up’. I did not throw this one in the same spot, I decided to throw it as close as possible to the babbling bit as that babbling to me represented ‘life’ and nature’s singing. Again I said a prayer and threw hard but more carefully (if that makes sense!) to get it into the right spot. I listened to the babbling again then walked away.
I felt sad after throwing the ‘past’ stone, finally realising I think that my relationship with my mother was always broken and I am now receding from her. I feel pretty good after throwing the ‘present/future’ one though but I think it will take a few days for it to all sink in. It’s been great to take part in something that others are doing around the world.

55

Hi Sam. I’m deeply moved. and what a great way to do it One for the now and future I’m sure other’s might nw do the same.

Six rocks for me That’s all I could carry. I’m going to write about it shortly I have hung around for hours aiting for you all to return they allseem to be out for the day. I wonder where?

Some nice stepping stones in the garden might help nice decorative one’s surrounded by Life. plant’s bees birds etc and Me.

56

I threw my rocks into the trash! It was very symbolic and meaningful for me, personally….and somehow encouraging! I have read all of the comments in this section, and every single story and comment have meant a great deal to me and all are so helpful!!! I hope all of you have a peaceful and blessing filled day today. For everyone hurting today ….hugs and comfort!!! Sincerely, Diane

57

Hi Eddie
Thank you for sharing your powerful rock throwing story. When I thought of this event, what you shared here is exactly what I hoped would happen for people. Attaching the belt was a brilliant idea; I winced when I read it as I too had been beaten with a belt by my mother. Thank you for sharing each of your words and the meaning behind each one. The letting go of each lie. I will forever have a visual of your rock, belt streaming behind sailing into the river and sinking to the bottom. Again, thank you so much for sharing this with all of us.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Sylvia,
I am so glad you are here too. I smiled at your “stinky stagnant pond” idea.. I am going to have breakfast with my family and get ready to go throw a rock!
Hugs, Darlene

58

Diane,
WOOOHOOOOOO!!! Into the landfill with mama!! On mother’s day! 🙂 It reminds me of that movie, “throw mama from the train”. I might start watching that movie on mother’s day… another new tradition. Congrats on your event and I wish you the Freedom you’ve always deserved!!

Sylvia,
You have fantastic insight and I’m glad you’re here. You’re so right. Healing is a lonely place to be and NC is just painful and tough. I have tried to adjust to only having my small circle and I think I’m doing okay although I still have an occasional bad day. It is a matter of self respect and honor. Thanks to my mother, nearly everyone in my family has learned how to treat me by her example. Even a cousin did it at her mother’s funeral. NOT anymore. “I’m an equal, or you are history.” I think that will be my new motto. And, strangely, it’s getting easier to do all the time. My friend once said to me, “maybe you’re actually the WHITE sheep of the family”. I have never forgotten it and I think since I’m the only one who really is seeking to process and heal, maybe I will emerge the white sheep. I like that idea!!

Paul,
I just keep reading the pain you write about and my heart goes out to you. I wish you peace and comfort and healing. I will be praying for you.

Everyone,
I will be back ~ after my rock sinks!! 🙂
Mimi

59

Sam,
Congrats on your rock throwing event. Thanks for sharing it. People sharing give me and others hope. I hope you will continue to share!! 🙂
love,
Mimi

60

Hi Paul
Thank you for sharing some of your history and how it tied into the freedom rocks event. I am glad that you saw the rock throwing as part of taking back your right to live, to have equal value instead of accepting always being last and least.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Sam
I love the past rock and present/future rock idea. I love how many people are personalizing this event; it is very profound to be able to read these stories and share in this emotional freedom! Thank you for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Diane!
YAY. There is something very powerful in your statement “I threw my rocks in the trash”. There is a finality about the way you state it! Yay.
I like the trash idea. I like ALL these ideas everyone is sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

61

Hi everyone thanks for the comments. That’s the great thing about this event, it can be whatever you want it to be; it lends itself to so many different interpretations. Can’t wait to see how others do it!

62

Hi everyone Darlene.

I have been blogging away all day raising awarness with special people others picked up on my firs part and commented so I got interactive while you were all gone for a trip to the pond and the trash bin wow how diverse and uniquewe have all done it. so special.

Mimi yes such Pain, Paul is an awarness raiser the general public will notice what we do so they need to see why we do it. so they can better understand Myrocks had all the pain in them now the pain is trapped in the depth’s of the North Sea. when you see my photos you will understand better and possitively so. I’m so overwhelmed with emotion reading your stories your amazing support and care for each other even ME WOW You are all amazing.

Got more brillient photos Darlene and can tie them up nicely Poetry and trauma together as in First I dug away the pain. then I wrote away the pain. now I have THROWN AWAY THE PAIN. Forever in the deep blue cold north sea. you need to see the bottom of my poster to fully realise it.

HUGS ALL.

63

Well, I threw my Freedom Rocks at 2 p.m. Eastern time (Darlene, I thought about you :))! I chose to walk to the spot thinking the fresh air and exercise would be added cleansing. Took photos of the water. The rocks didn’t go very far out due to a bad shoulder, grrr, but, at least they made a satisfying PLOP when they hit the water and sank. 4 mini-rocks with names on them. Before throwing each one, I spoke softly and said good-bye to the power these Narcissists had over me and good-bye to the pain they caused.

Interestingly, the spot I chose to throw the rocks had a pile of rocks, bricks and broken cement nearby. I chose a pretty rock to bring back as a souvenir of my ceremony and will write “Freedom Rocks, 2012” on it and keep it at my desk as a reminder of sending their Narcissist power away forever.

Hope everyone has sent their rocks away and taken another step towards healing.

64

Hello Everyone!

I just got back from tossing my rock in the pond. I took a video but a lot of my voice was lost to the wind. I will see if I can get it uploaded to YouTube anyway.

Drained ~ I did it at exactly 2:00 est also. It is a beautiful day here and the ducks were swimming on the other side of the pond. I could hear birds singing and it just seemed a fitting day for this event!

I reviewed the things that I put on my rock ~ my realization that I had put myself in another box, that I was putting my “passion for the healing of others” before my own needs and neglecting some of my own needs ~ just like I had to learn to stop doing in my personal life.

It was a great feeling to throw the rock! My husband and I then sat together on the bank of the pond, and I reflected on what I had just done. I felt strangely odd. After I thought about it for a few minutes I realized that this was a feeling of “doubt”. This is exactly what I felt like when I finally made the decision to take my life and my power back a few years ago. Self doubt and Questions like can I really let this go?? Can I really put myself first. Do I really believe that people can love me NOT for what I can do for them but for me. My family walked away from me so there is some fear in letting go too. It is good to see and feel all this!

I think that I will be ready to put these thoughts all together in a few days. This exp. has given me increased insight into the way my mind works; the healing stages and for that I am excited!

I feel peaceful. I look forward to further insights as this whole releasing the rock and what I put on it sets with me a bit!

Hugs and Love, Darlene

65

I uploaded my video of throwing my freedom rock to You Tube!

It is really windy and hard to hear for the first part but it gets more clear as it goes on.

You can watch the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAGYznr8it8&feature=youtu.be

Hugs, Darlene

66

Darlene,
That was FANTASTIC!!! I love it!! I didn’t think to videotape, but I got a few snapshots. I think I will upload to snapfish or something similar so people can see my pics. I’ll try that and then I’ll put a link to them on my final post later. I haven’t posted about my event yet, I’m absorbing the beautiful day and enjoying my husband and animals and yardwork. It’s all a part of the freedom, right?? 🙂
Love to you,
Mimi

67

Shortly after 12PM here (2PM est) I gave each of my jagged little rocks a short, not so sweet speech for the intended parties and tossed them in the trash to be picked up tomorrow. I will take the dumpster out to the curb shortly and bid farewell. Mimi: you are a scream 🙂 Thanks for everyone sharing their stories and have a good evening.

68

Hi,

I went to throw my rock in the river near my house. It felt heavy not because it was very big, but because of all the things I wanted to get free from like shame and guilt. I drew two yellow stars to symbolize how far I have struggled by myself for years without any real help and how much I have endured all the pain, struggles, inconvenients, the lack of sleep for years, anxiety, depression, etc and economical and relationship loses, the more wounds one receives from other people, professionals and the lack of help of my family. It was hard to promise to myself to recover, anyway I tried. Also, I drew some circles in blue and a rainbow to symbolize hope. At the back of the rock were the names of the persons who have abused me and the name of the attacker. A heart meant the self love and self care that I need to do on myself, to remind me to put myself first and not neglect my needs to please others who are not even aware of what I am going through or don’t even care about me only in themselves. I think I have to throw more rocks with separate thoughts in each of them.

69

Kim M,
🙂
Mimi

70

Wow…I LOVE what everyone is doing…has done with the rocks! It feels even more powerful and meaningful to me since we are doing it together!

Darlene, it was so wonderful to see your ceremony and to hear your voice too! I understood what you meant by the box inside the other box..I also now understand the layers of feelings…and how you can be totally free in most ways, but fall back into the victim mentality when facing or being thrown into a new set of circumstances or the unknown. I personally feel excited for you! It sounds like you are READY and AWARE to tackle your future dreams now. Not that it matters what I think! But I do understand risk taking….my husband has been a risk taker when it comes to his work and career. He has branched out many many times in his field of work to keep growing and to do research and development on various projects. MANY ppl were threatened by that and some attempted to hold him down and back. He never let it stop him and now is GM of the company he works for and there are patents on a few things that are all because he was gifted in this particular way, he was afraid and he was uncertain but he didn’t let that dictate what he did. He followed the path that he knew he needed to ,and it did offend some folks who didn’t understand or felt threatened, but he went with his heart. My point in sharing is that even if you choose to set EFB free. And to set all of us free….it will all be GOOD and even more of a gift to a broader range of people . And you can help support your husband, farm and yourself financially too! I love the risk takers out there…and ones like me who are the cheerleaders on the side!….and so I hope you do get to it so that I can buy your books and workbooks for myself and for others as gifts! You have so much to share and I feel happy for you to move FORWARD. I can’t tell you how much I have learned and grown and caught up with myself during the short time I have been here. Freedom Rocks! I hope it hasn’t been inappropriate to say all this to you…..forgive me if it was!

71

Hi Everyone,
This Mother’s Day was beautiful in the upper 80’s, where I live. I live in new England, USA. The first place I went to today, was my local park where there is a big pond. Many trees, scrubs & a dirt path circle around the pond. I walked down the dirt path, whereupon, I found a clearing to the water’s edge. The sun was shining and the ducks were floating in the water. My spot was secluded with trees & scrubs on either sides, with the water in front of me.

I held onto my rock for a few minutes, while trying to light my tea light candle, which kept burning out from the breeze. While holding my rock & felt some self-doubt about throwing it in. Something was holding me back, but when I thought about it, I realized that I’ve been carrying the pain of my abuse for so long, that it became part of me. I looked at the rock & said out loud, “The Shame & Guilt is no longer mine to carry!” So, I’m going to throw it out! and into the water it went. While in the air, my colorful, sticker peace signs blew off my rock like confetti! At first, I was slightly disappointed, until the realization struck me that it was symbolic.

The ROCK with the TOXIC SHAME & GUILT went down, while the peace signs floated to the top of the water. WOW!…It was pretty to see them sparkle & float, while they moved forward, into the big pond. Maybe I’m getting too deep here lol, but I saw this as PEACE coming out of the PAIN & RISING to the SURFACE! I did feel peaceful as I walked away and went home to my children.

I had an awesome day with my kids & husband. I took pictures of my rock before throwing it, but did not think of pics while I threw it. Anyway, it is a good visual memory to hold onto, especially when I’m feeling down. Certainly did not expect a life changing experience but I walked away with Hope & Peace! That’s more than good enough in my healing journey! I haven’t read the other posts yet, but looking forward to hearing all about others’experiences!
Hope & Peace to all! Freedom Rocks!!
Sonia

72

Hi everyone,

Darlene, if you are able to post my small video up you can do so, I’m not sure how it works. What a great day!!! God bless us all!!

Peace, hugs, love and happiness and most of all FREEDOM

Lauraleexo

73

As I have journeyed through this life I have gather some rocks. Some were given to me; some were thrown at me, and some I have picked up myself. These numerous rocks now seem to be a part of my life. I have attempted before to set them down or to walk away from them but this often results in my returning and picking them up again or in my just picking up another stone to replace the removed stone. I am unsure if it is that I miss the weight of it, the pain of it or if I just feel compelled to fill the hole with something. Either way, the result is my journey being painful and weighed down by these rocks. I have recently realized these rocks (the hurts) don’t have to continue to be carried with me on my journey that I, with the help of God and other people who love me, can remove these rocks.
I recently found some information on-line regarding the “Freedom Rocks” activity to help me with the process of removing these rocks. On the surface, it may sound simplistic and silly but believe me when I tell you much thought and reflection was a part of this activity. It involved throwing the rocks of my life into a waterway of some type releasing them, drowning them and or allowing them to be carried away and no longer encumber my life. Allowing me to no longer be hindered or weighed down or limited by the rocks.
I have been pondering this idea for weeks and become focused on do all I could to participate in the fullest possible way. I gathered the rocks. I identified exactly who what or when each stone represented and even labeled them. Then I began trying to figure out where and how I could get to a waterway to throw them away. I considered a pond but the idea of these rocks, which had so deeply affected me becoming part of stagnant muck, which may have to be cleaned out by someone else made me sad. I finally decided it had to be a river or an ocean since I had no way to get to the ocean the local river became the goal.
I rose early this morning dressed comfortably and prepared for the trek to the river I put the rocks I had identified in my pocket and grabbed my music player and headed off to find the water. I prayed as I walked. The song that began to play spoke to my soul powerfully and I knew I was fully participating in an important life moment. I felt compelled along the way to pick up still more rocks and as I did I was amazed each of these clearly had a name or a feeling or an event associated with it. I put them in my pockets and walked on toward the goal. The weight of them was noticeable and it made me think of how the abuse, words and hurts the rock represented had felt and affected every step I had taken in my life up to this point. I found an entrance to the park and headed toward the river. I arrived to find it was a narrow muddy bank and someone was already using the path. It did not seem right, but I thought to myself just do it and then it will be done and I can go home. As I walked closer to the bank looking for a place to get to the water I began to feel frustrated. Then I looked up in prayer for some peace…above me I saw a bridge over head and I thought it would have been the perfect place from which to throw my rocks. Unfortunately, I also realized there was not easy access from my current location. As I stood there, longing for more I realized how this moment resembled some of the cycles in my life where I get so focused on a singular path and idea of how a task must be accomplished that I often miss there in fact might be another better way for it to be accomplished. So I decided to find a way up onto the bridge.
As I turned and walked back the way I had come, I realized it felt like a less frantic and driven walk. I was much more mindful of my surroundings. I now was truly seeing the beautiful nature around me. I watched a white butterfly fly over the black iron fence toward the bridge and I knew despite my wrong turn that I was now onto the right path to my goal.
I made it back to the road and was delighted to see there was a clearly marked bike path, which I could walk down to the center of the bridge. When I reached a point in the center where the trees above parted and I could see the river water rushing by below I knew I had reached the place. I reached into my pockets and with withdrew all the rocks and lined them up on the rail of the bridge I was surprised to see how many rocks there were….I paused a moment whispered a prayer and began throwing the rocks one by one into the river. At first, it was just a gentle toss but as I continued the action took on more purpose and power until I finally I launch the final rock with all my might as I listened for the loud splash it made as it hit the water. Then I just stood and listened to the sound of the water rushing on below me . I turned and began the walk toward home. The first thing I noticed is how much lighter I felt physically and realized I was also much lighter spiritually. I know this was just an action to help me mark the decision to no longer be burdened by the rocks of hurt and abuse in my life. I also know this does not mean I will no longer be affected or impacted by these things but it means I can recall this event and chose to make different choices today to move forward in my life journey feeling light, free and blessed. I am free and no longer weighed down I am free in Him who made me, free to become whoever and whatever it is I am to become….free to come home be greeted by my happy dog . Free to sit in a chair on my porch with my dog on my lap and fall asleep feeling deep in my soul a renewed sense of freedom.

74

Hi Darlene, this is the first time that I was throwing a rock to symbolize freedom. I have wrote letters and burned it but nothing like this. Yesterday, at Mother’s Day, I got up and went for a drive. Went to my parents cottage to take a rock from there as for me it meant it was a specific rock from where some of the hurt occured in my past. I drew on it there but took it to another place to throw it in the ocean. I drew a black door and a black broken heart and put (=)and then drew a white light and sun. To me that’s what my black door and black broken heart ended up with all the work I’ve been doing come up to a white light and sun. I also wrote (depression, hurt, anger, dad (as he was my first sexual abuser), husband and then I also put others as I have 10 different sexual abusers that hurt me in my whole life. I took a pic of the rock and a pic of when the rock hit the ocean at the peer. I also took a pic of the rock at the bottom of the water as where it dropped it wasn’t that deep but enough for it to not float up again 😉 I took some pics of the ocean where I was also as it was beautiful seeing all this water. NEVER I thought that I would reach this point in my life where I could feel actually some hope. I’m glad that I took the time to do this with so many on this special weekend. I didn’t feel alone.

75

Hi Lauralee
If your video has a link then post the link and others can see it too. I have too much traffic on this site ~ if I post a video it would take up too much bandwidth and crash the site because of the amount of hits I get per day! (I need to get a separate hosting account for video which I might do when I either get some donations or get my book and workbook finsihed and for sale so that not all of this expense comes from my pocket.

Speaking of Donations ~ I got two this week and I would like to say “thank you” to the two ladies who gave me a donation. One quarter of my expenses for this month will be covered by those donations and I am sincerely grateful!! Prior to these two donations it had been over 2 months since the last donation.

I saw your video Larualee and it is wonderful! Thank you for posting it on my facebook page! Hugs, Darlene

76

Hi Drained
I love the idea of taking a rock back as a souvenir!
Before I made my video ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAGYznr8it8&feature=youtu.be )
I thought about all the others who were throwing rocks this weekend. I thought about the energy around doing this with others. It is amazing to me how many different stories there are and the meaning behind each exp. I think it is just wonderful!
Thank you for sharing your story too!
Hugs, Darlene

77

Hi Casey
Welcome to e.f.b.
I love your rock story! I love how you made the decision to heal even if you are not sure you can do it! The decision to try is the very first thing, even just to hope that it MIGHT be possible went such a long way for me!
I am really glad that you are here and thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Kim M.
YAY for throwing the rocks in the trash!
Hugs, Darlene

78

Hi Diane
Wow, thanks for your feedback! The belief system is such a powerful thing and when we are kids it is our survival system too so sometimes our minds are actually whispering to us “don’t go forward, don’t go there, too risky!” and it has been huge for me to overcome the stuff I did and then this past year to find out there is more! But I found out about the box within the box, and threw it in the river too!

I don’t think I am going to set EFB free. It is the foundation that I built for my work, but I do need to go to the next step so that I can reach more people and pay the bills too. I could take more clients again, but I keep feeling that I am working towards a bigger picture here.
Nothing you said was inappropriate! I appreciate your feedback!
Hugs, Darlene

79

Sonia
I love your rock story! What an awesome visual! And wow about the peace signs floating to the top! Thank you for sharing your rock throwing story!
I feel really solid today about what I let go of with my rock!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Lori-Lynn
Wow, this is awesome too! I totally relate to what you are saying. I love the way you express yourself and how you said it was just an action to mark the decision! Absolutly! I am going to use that expression in the next freedom rocks event to help explain what this really is.
Thank you for sharing your rock story!
Hugs, Darlene

80

Hi Carole
Wow, anohter amazing story! This is so powerful. Thank you for the visual on this one too! When I read your post here I thougth about a feeling I had when I did mine. I felt like I was by myself but not at all alone. and that is what healing is like too. We have to go through this process as an individual, that part is very often lonely, but we are not really alone here!
Thanks so much for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

I feel so different today ~ more solid in what I let go of yesterday! I am seeing a difference in myself already.
When I created my rock I thought that I had put more on it than I did. When I went to review it before I threw it, I realized that the whole rock was about another layer of letting go and a deeper understanding of my belief system; a system that still needed some changing. And even though I was a little unsure if I was ready to tell the world that I was ready, in case I really wasn’t ready, today I know that I AM ready!
Hugs, Darlene

81

Eleven years ago my mother gave me a framed photograph for Xmas. The photo was of a bronze statue of a little girl dressed up in women’s clothing (one would presume her mother’s). On the back, my mom had written, “You’ll always be my baby girl!” One might think that’s sweet, but I don’t. It’s been an incredible burden to me. The framing itself was professionally done, obviously expensive and tasteful. The photo was blown-up, though, a bit fuzzy, and quite creepy, if you ask me. When I first got it, I hung it up on my wall (like a good baby girl), but I’ve moved quite a few times since receiving this gift and have been lugging it around, only to keep it in closets. I always knew it was there, though, like something nagging me at the back of my mind.

I found my rock. I took that damn thing out of the closet and cut off the backing. I dismantled the matting and ripped off the photo. I cut the photo up, took a section of it (the strip of the girl’s face—just above the eyes, cut off at the mouth) and taped it onto the backing where my mom had written her “baby girl” message. On the other side of this, I wrote my declaration of freedom. Then I taped that around the rock, ready to throw it in the river. Except, I didn’t want to; it didn’t mean much to me. So, yesterday, instead of throwing a rock, I took the frame apart, smashed the glass, and threw it all in the dumpster. It was very difficult. It’s taken a lot work to get myself to a place where I was capable of doing this.

My existence was almost entirely about my place in my mother’s life. Her feelings, thoughts, opinions, needs, wants, and personal issues dominated me. I had very little room in my life and in my mind for my own identity. I was totally engulfed, totally controlled. (My father encouraged this, my role in the family). To her, this was love. To me, it was sickening and was slowly but surely killing me. I had a breakdown when I was 22 and broke off contact two years ago. It was the best decision of my life—absolutely necessary to take back my life.

And so I have smashed her baby girl. I feel for her because it was her dream. Also, her illusion. She’d always wanted to have children, believing that was what she was put on earth to do. She had been suicidal when pregnant with me, but it was that dream that pulled her through. It seemed always my job to sustain her emotionally, to provide her with her dream relationship, in part–I believe–so that she had proof that all the dysfunction of her own past was over and that she was nothing like her own mother. And of course, as her child, I wanted to be loved, liked, approved of, etc. But it was all a lie, and I learned that being loved meant being used and that giving love meant giving your spirit/soul/self away.

No more will I live that way. I am committed. It’s a hard road, and you do slip back, but you do your best to take care of yourself. No one else can do it for you. Nor should they.

Strength and courage to all.

Darlene, I’ve been reading since last fall and I very much appreciate your work.

82

I cant get enough of these stories…so wonderful! Very empowering! I have decided to throw a rock on Father’s Day…maybe a few of them! My experience was freeing in many ways because it happened at the same time I reached a new breakthrough. I was up all night on Friday..and I had been in such turmoil! I was able to finally sit with my pain and discomfort and anxiety and feel it and allow it to encompass me…at a level that I have never been able to do before. This site and the encouragement and understanding and new revelations I have had this week have been unlike anything I have ever had before into my family dynamic and self. I would never allow myself to think on certain painful reasons for self hate or poor body image etc. But as I did, I was able to gain understanding in such a way and it clicked for me at long last! It was in that understanding that my parents were so sick and unhealthy…and my “mom” was mentally disturbed that caused the choices they made to harm me and my older brother that have given me this breakthrough because I realized all of a sudden that it could have…would have…been any child in the way of what SHE wanted. It truly wasnt about ME at all…and all of those LIES and EVIL words and ABUSES from them made so much sense why they did it all. I was able to FINALLY see that it literally had nothing to do with who I am or what I have said, done or spoken…or didnt do etc etc…that made them behave the ways that they did. I can now understand that they are to blame and not me. I dont feel responsible AT ALL for any of it…and I dont feel guilt or shame either. I threw my rocks into the trash and it was done. THEY were done! I also read something about the way a child is treated as a child is how they will treat themselves as an adult. That struck my heart. I took out a piece of paper and pen on Saturday and made a list of the various habitual abuses/neglect that my parents did. One of them was when I was a child I was not given new underwear or socks. My socks would get holes and I believed that our family was too poor to get me new ones (?) and so I sewed by hand the socks and went for years walking on very hard seams that sometimes hurt my feet. Even to this day I forget to buy myself new undergarments and especially socks. I will throw the old ones away, but I get to where there are hardly any left. I was not listened to…so I never expected or questioned why noone seemed to listen to me…even my own husband would tune me out when I would share something important with him. The list was about 12 specific things that I could think of and they all apply! So I had a long talk and explained all of this to my husband last night and even after that he didnt respond, so I challanged him on it and explained that this isnt going to work for me anymore in our marriage for him to keep doing this and I EXPECT HIM TO VALIDATE what I say. He looked surprised and then quickly did so! WOW! I am here to say that when I threw the rocks into the trash, it was powerfully symbolic of all of this! I can say today that I found a new wholeness that I have never had in my entire life before and when I visualized burning up my old houses and rescuing the little girl version of myself…however silly it may seem…it worked for me personally and I am no longer hoping to be free but I AM free. I have much more to work on , but now the work is something I look forward to…new discoveries of who I am and what I want and how I want to get there! This has been a journey to get to this particular freedom my entire adult life, so it didnt just happen overnight. I have been seeking this level of freedom for nearly 30 years. The healing process has been long and difficult for me…so this sudden change is as if the final pieces to the puzzle were handed to me and I ran to put them into place! I wanted to share this to hopefully be encouraging! Blessings and much much gratitude for everyone here who has shared and for the articles…for the safety to have been able to vomit out my feelings for the first time in my life and not ever be judged! I feel very grateful and appreciative!

83

Alaina,
All I can say is YOU GO GIRL!!! My mom pulls the baby girl stuff with me too. I have learned now that it’s her way of trying to reach into my soul ~ so she can stomp on it. Congrats and thanks for sharing your fantastic story. I took a step not so long ago that is similar to yours. My mother bought me a necklace I would never wear. I sold it on Ebay. It might sound trivial, but it was huge for me. I always held on to anything she bought me… because it came from my special mother. Now, I know just how special she really is. 😉

Diane,
Thank you for sharing. I live for these stories too and when I read ones like yours, how the truth has found its way into your heart, I am thrilled. It’s almost exactly how it happened to me. When I found EFB, I was floored by all the similarities, all the insight and wisdom, and caring people. I was and still am so very grateful. I was so desperate when I landed here. I still am at times. Thanks for sharing your excitement. Although it’s so painful, finding out other people have the same experiences is SUCH a relief!!
Love to you,
Mimi

84

Alaina….That picture was SO symbolic to you and your relationship! Your story reminded me of something I heard Dr.Phil say on one of his shows. It was about children who were born with a job to do. It sounds like you had a job to do from birth, and I cannot imagine the feelings you went through as you smashed that picture you had lugged around for so many years! I felt like applauding you when I read that you threw it away!( I actually laughed out loud because I was so happy for you!) Such dysfunction deserves to be trashed forever!

Mimi…thank YOU…you have written so much here that has also helped me in my journey..and thank you for being so kind on here! The word “relief” is perfect for how I felt in finding this EFB site. 🙂

85

Hi Alaina
Welcome to (the comments part of) Emerging from Broken!
I love your story. I love the visual that you shared and how you made this so perfect for you! That is what it is all about, being an individual in a world where for so many of us, we were never encouraged to be one. Even your smashing ceremony was about smashing the confines of who someone else wanted you to be! I love that!
There are so many ways to do this whole thing!
Last night I was sitting on our deck and we have this garden stone (one of those flat decorative things with a frog on it) that several years ago my kids fought for in a chinese christnmas war, and my brohter in law and his wife fought really hard to make sure they didnt’ get it! They were kids and I wanted to include them in the stupid chinese christmas thing that year. I think that my brother in law took the dang frog stone away from them to prove that they were too young to be included in that stupid game! The following year, he had the nerve to bring it back to the game! One of my kids got it (not that they tried to win it but this time got stuck with it) and I HATE that thing! It is a bitter memory for all. I was looking at it and thinking that it would make a fantasitc freedom rock! We could smash it as a family and sink that sucker! HA… and today you poted about smashing a “thing” that was significant baggage for you too.

I am really glad that you are here! Thanks for the wonderful gift.
Hugs, Darlene

86

Thanks Darlene, I’ve been reading your posts and never commented on anything…I was just a quiet reader I’ve been through hell and back and dealing with so much stuff in the last 2 yrs. I have support from super good people and I finally found what love is. Well not 100% but I’m working hard on it and trusting. I’ve been encouraged by this one person for 2 yrs now that has changed my life around. I was alone before and tried to end my life 2 yrs ago…when I didn’t succeed my whole life changed. I just want to share a little about me… I hit rock bottom 2 yrs ago and since then I have come up so high…but I still have a long ways to go. I went to talk to a group of teens that where sexually abused last Monday and they were so touched that they have insisted that I go back tonight. These teens have been through hell also and I’m there telling them that there’s hope. After having 10 different people sexually abused me in my 44 yrs of life…I’m able to let them know that there’s hope and support out there. I know you don’t know everything about me..you don’t know my past but hitting rock bottom 2 yrs ago and didn’t succeed to end my life…instead I needed to learn to walk, talk and love again. I felt so much alone and no one was understanding what I was going through…One person stuck with me and never lost hope in me… she’s been by my side since then and still is… she’s my earth guardian angel. NO ONE has ever stood by my side like she has. I am bless to have her in my life today. She went through hell with me but she believed that I was going to be ok. I was holding by a thread many times and she never lost hope on me. When I was in the hospital she was miles and miles away but I was allowed to have a laptop so I could communicate with her by chat. That saved me so many times. My dr was awesome to have let me have a laptop to chat with her as my family wasn’t allowed to come see me neither my husband… I was only allowed 1 person to come and see me and the laptop with just certain people that I could chat with as the dr felt the need to protect me from being hurt again and be upset. From June to Dec I was in the hospital…it was hard because after I was ok physically after my accident I was put in the psychoward as they figured out that I didn’t have an accident…it was on purpose. So doing this Freedom Rock this weekend was a good thing for me because I need to let go of the hurt and especially the anger inside. After my accident I started opening up a lot about my abuses and remembered things that was pushed down so far. Remembering more hurt was not something I wanted…but now in the last few months I’m seeing big changes for me and some much needed healing. Going to talk to a group of teen tonight again for the second time as they wanted to know more about me last week and we didn’t have the time. I told them about my gang rape but didn’t go into details but tonight I will be sharing a lot more…yes I’m scared but if I can give them hope and if they can see that I’m getting better and there is support out there and they are willing to give it a try it will be all worth sharing my hurt and anger with them and make them see that I’m surviving this and I will be ok. I’m in deep therapy at the moment…twice a week because I’m working on the feelings now…got the events out of my system but now I have to deal with the feelings and that is super hard. So doing the rock throwing yesterday DID make me feel better and released some hurt that I don’t want to have anymore. I’m glad that I read your post again and decided to participate. Thanks for inviting me to participate. Love to all xoxo

87

Thank you, Darlene, Diane and Mimi. I’m glad to be here and really appreciate your responses.

I have thrown away other things from my parents before but this one was pretty huge because of the “baby girl” stuff and because it was so clearly expensive. Both my parents grew up poor and wanted to give their children what they never had but it becomes an anchor and a guilt trip, all this “stuff.” I was going to give it away to a thrift store—I really dislike waste—but I didn’t want to pass it on, like it had “bad karma” or something. Anyway, when someone gives you a gift, since it has been given to you and is yours now, you should be able to do whatever the heck you want with it, including smashing it.

So, yes, I think you should smash that frog, Darlene! And you are very right about smashing the confines of what others wanted me to be. I actually did have someone who encouraged me to be an individual when I was young—one of my uncles, but he killed himself (or most likely, as the circumstances were complex) when I was just about 8. That loss was immense, though I was numb for years. He was a wonderful person, with whom I identified myself greatly. (I went through a period of time, probably a few years, when I’d have these imaginary conversations with people, talking about him, and I would slip up and say, “He killed myself,” instead of “himself,” if that gives any indication of how identified I was with him.) It took years for me to understand how personally I had taken the death. Because of its nature, I believed that everything he had given me, everything he had made me feel about myself, was not true—as if his death took everything away from me. And instead I started to believe all the messages that my parents’ behaviour and expectations were sending me. A lot of my process has been about trying to shirk off all the junk that my parents put on me to try to access this pain, which I believe is, and certainly feels, much deeper than any other pain I’ve carried around, and ultimately to reclaim into my heart what he did give me when he was alive because I know now that it was the real deal.

Diane, I, too, have gone into my past and interacted with my child self. It was always during the moment I found out my uncle died. The interaction was pretty complicated. There was fear on both the child side and mine. My goal was to hug her. I did eventually get there. Often my child self was like cardboard, paralyzed at just the moment before being told. One time she livened up and started beating on me while I hugged her; I was strong enough to take her punches, though. I remembered more of what happened afterwards as well. But another time I was deep into trying to access my anger. I knew I had a ton of repressed anger. And I went into that memory, just slipped into it, and it was unbelievable the level of self-hatred I experienced. My adult self wanted to break my child self into pieces, all her bones. It was as if I were three selves at that moment—the child, the adult, and another self, observing the scene. This was a couple years ago. Obviously very brutal, but I don’t really regret the moment (I mean accessing and observing the moment) because it was a level of anger and self-hatred that had always been there—something I did need to access, to understand, and to ultimately overturn… though it remains painful to feel how much I had wanted to hurt my child self, and I feel so sad and so sorry because none of what happened was my fault. I know you can hold that pain, though, and make choices to not be crippled by it, to learn, take care, grieve and move forward.

Thanks again, A

88

Hi Everyone!
Thank you for posting your very personal stories of Freedom! It is an inspiration to so many hurting people.

I got my cement rock prepared by writing in red on one side, “mama, I no longer believe”. When I was very young, I called her mama. I had such deep love for her. I couldn’t stand to see her cry. It hurt my whole being. So, I chose to address her as mama, because that person whom I loved so much, is who I wanted to speak to. Beside it in black, I drew a sheep, to represent myself of course. And, a broken heart in red.

On the other side, I wrote “I am healed” with a cross beside it. I wrote those words in blue.

I tied a black ribbon around one end and tied a key to the black ribbon. I knotted it all so it can’t come undone and resurface. On the other end I tied a blue ribbon in a bow. Blue is the color of the sky and sea and is associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven. I tied it in a bow so it can come undone naturally and release in me all the things blue stands for. It’s also why I wrote the healing words in blue. Black signifies death and evil which is why I tied the black ribbon in knots with the key ~ so it can’t come undone. Red is associated with fire and blood. I wrote the words to my mama in red. It’s a symbol of my once bleeding heart and the fire I have inside to heal. The little black sheep?? Drowning!!

I prayed for myself and everyone here. I took some time to appreciate what each of the things on my rock meant. I had trouble throwing it in when the time came. I finally did and it felt like burial. It was good.

Afterward I came back to the house and listened to a podcast from a local church on the wonder of water. It was a nice way to rap it up.

The weather here was stunning. I really enjoyed my day and aside from throwing my rock, I had amazingly few thoughts of my mother ~ on Mother’s day. It was awesome!
Peace, love, gratitude, and FREEDOM to all,
Mimi

89

Thanks for sharing your rock story here as well as on your own post Mimi!

Thanks for sharing in both places Carole. That is a powerful story. I am glad you are here.

Alaina!
Oh I totally realate to passing on things with bad vibes! I have to check with the kids about smashing the frog.. it isn’t actually MINE but I would not be surprised if my kids want to smash it for the same reasons! The whole thing seems to be a big reminder of the kind of dysfunction that we used to hang out with. =)
Love your comments and the stuff you are sharing! It is really awesome, I am so glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

90

Lauralee
May 13th, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Hello Everyone,

Well, I did it!!! As my husband and I were driving to the roaring rapids I passed by my sister along the way, ha, now what are the chances of that?
I found my spot and meditated awhile and thought and said a little prayer for everyone else out there casting their stones and then I threw mine!! It bounced of one rock and then into the roaring rapids. I felt so liberated and strong, with the sound of the rushing water, I imagined the rapids taking my rock and saying “everything is going to be fine, these “problems” are in my hands now. I am very proud of myself. Noone can hurt me anymore, I feel so free. I decided not to have my daughter’s atttend as I was not sure of my reaction. I felt very cleansed afterward, like all the toxic negative energy just went away. Freedom does rock, I have my video and will try and upload it on my Facebook page, my husband didn’t think my skinny little arms would be able to throw that rock but then again, I never knew I could be the little crab that could!
Peace, love, hugs, happiness, liberation and Freedom to all of you,
Lauralee xoxo
P.S. Mimi, I thought about you

91

Darlene,

Ohhhhh I so know this one well. I see where I self sabotage and treat myself with disrespect and a lack of kindness. I have no one left in my life that is abusive, but that’s just fine because I can perpetuate it for myself thank you! UGH!

In running the Path to Peace page, I find myself on burn out a lot. It is instinctive and intuitive to put others needs before my own. I love doing it, but I know that I need to take the time to focus on my own healing. It can also be a huge distraction.

After reading this, I realized I don’t have a support system, like the support I try to be for others. That’s not a good thing!

I have a lot of work to do yet. From all I’ve read of your blogs, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I’m not there yet, calling into question all that I am and do.

Thank you for this post. Good luck with the book and workbook!

92

Hi Kelli
It is very important to take time for you. And it doesn’t matter if you are not “there yet” it is all about being on the journey! I am not where I will be in another year either, but I am loving the path!
Hugs, Darlene!

93

Wow.I am blown away by what you wrote.I can idetify with so much of that.I hate myself, I really do, so I need to work on the self love. I have let truly awful experiences become part of my dna.Part of me. I have let truly dispicable peoples words become how I view myself.What I believe to be the truth about me.I have lost so much weight recently but I also cant take a compliment.Im seeking help at the moment because I am tired of hiding from life, being scared of life.Even now reading what Ive wrote, I thought I used the word “I” too much, will people think Im self absorbed?I really have discounted myself. Darlene, you need to publish that book!Thank you for your wisdom. 🙂

94

Hi Melanie
Welcome to emerging from broken. The self love comes through the process of healing that I write about in this site. This post that you happened to land on is about an event that we did last week. You might find much more helpful articles in the rest of the site (other than what is in the “freedom rocks” category. 🙂 I had to be “self absorbed” for a while in order to heal from being otherwise discounted and invalidated most of my life. I was “told” that I was self absorbed, but in reality the oposite was true.
Hugs, Darlene

95

I am so glad to read the comment that you had to be “self absorbed” for a while…because I am definitely needing that too…and this is one time I just dont care if anyone likes it or not! I HAVE to be in order to discover myself and my needs and my wants for my life. It may break up my marriage or not, and it may shake the boat in some of my other relationships, but this is something that I am willing to take a chance on. This morning I had a “tiff” with my husband who is so conditioned to put himself and his wants first that he completely blew me off! It is a simple story: we had discussed gardening projects for this morning and both agreed that would be fun (we discussed this last night)…but because I slept in an extra half hour over the time I usually do, he took off to play golf because he didnt want to wait for me. When he returned home, I questioned him about gardening and he said , “I have a golf lesson” ( in two hours!), and then as I began to speak, he rushed out of the room to “do his laundry”…leaving me completely ignored and blown off! I never used to make such a big deal out of it…why cause a fuss? But I challanged him about doing this to me and he apologized..BUT..began justifying himself to me about why it was okay for him to blow me off. So…now ,as I write this, I have informed him that I have errands to run and have to go right away. He would prefer me to fix his lunch before I leave, but something doesnt feel right about that , so I think he can fix his own lunch by himself. lol. It is interesting to me how many times this similar scenario or dynamic has taken place in my marriage, and you know what? I dont feel like putting up with it anymore! FREEDOM ROCKS for Diane today!

96

Diane!
Thanks for sharing this kind of stuff. These are the “finer things” that I began to realize as I stepped out of the fog.. all the “double standards” all about someone elses belief system which was actually on the same track as mine; my husband thougth that I should do certian things for him and I agreed no matter the cost to me. I thought “love” was taking care of his needs at the expense of mine. so did he. 🙂
BUT I am still married to this same man and neither one of us thinks this way anymore! We have equal value now and my needs are as important as his and he agrees! Life could not be more sweet in an equality based relationship!
Hugs, Darlene

97

Darlene..thanks for the encouragement! I needed it because I have a wonderful husband who is kind and has such a sweetness about him, and he is also one of the most stubborn men I have ever met! I see humor in our situation even though i am equally irritated/frustrated! I don’t enjoy yelling and screaming to get my own way….and I am convinced there are more effective and less draining ways …..but because he is so stubborn it is going to probably be a very long process with us. I also can sense in myself such a desire to stick up for myself that it would be too easy to throw caution to the wind and really hurt him….and I don’t choose to do that because this double standard (that’s a great way to put it!). Is as much because of me allowing it as it is of him….so he has never had to change , if that makes sense? It really is comforting to hear that you also have been thru similar issues…and it didnt kill off you marriage!

98

Diane
Sounds like your husband is worth the effort!! My husband was all that too. As I healed, we healed. As I grew I saw the ways to explain to him things OR to let him do his work and figure it out. Sometimes I resorted to methods that mirrored how he treated me. He HATED that but it sure got the point accross. He thought he should get points for trying and that I should let things go when he messed up. That was a tough one but I kept telling him that was like a man saying “well I haven’t hit you for 3 months, can’t I just hit you once?” the whole thing is about being equally valuable. He didn’t think that my needs WERE as important than his and when it came right down to it, that was the block he had to remove.
Hugs, Darlene

99

Hi there, i am in awe of all you brave women. My life is in turmoil but i am better off than most,(well, thats what people tell me) My own mother was Alcoholic, my father gambled, the only stable person in my life was my grandfather and he died when i was 11.. so i was pretty much on my own. No self esteem, reading others posts about self loathing and being a pleaser were all too real. I married a control freak thinking he would look after me and he turned out to be a bigger mental abuser than anyone else. I had three sons, tried to over compensate i suppoe for his lack of attachment to them. He worked and provided, thats what he thought his role should be. His sister told me they lived in “controlled hysteria” his mother was an absolute tyrant. After 42 years being married to him and wanting the boys to have the best of things (i must try not to say i stuck it out for them, but i did !!) My eldest son’s marriage broke up and he came home, my middle son got married and left home, my youngest son still living at home. I got really sick and needed a serious operation. My husband chose to ignore me being ill, after the op, left me alone for days with no food, leaving me to make the two sons living at home, not responsible for my care. My eldest son stood up to the plate and best he could looked after me. I realised after 7 months of laying in bed wanting to die that this was not how it was supposed to be and decided to leave and divorce him… My solicitor was shocked at my Affidavit of emotional abuse often quotes my case to others and i made a bit for freedom. I lived in the marital home for 2 years in one room (i still cooked and cleaned for the ex till the day i left, thats how guilty he made me feel ) My youngest and middle son took their fathers part in all this and i am now estranged from them. My eldest son was kicked out of the house as well and we are together in a small house with my grandchildren visiting frequently which keeps me going. I have food issues, like bulimia which is getting worse.
I am at a loss to know what to do about the two sons who want nothing to do with me. It is such a mess. I too have fallen foul of men who treat me like second best i.e. “unobtainable”. I have thought about just giving up and instead of a rock with things written on it i should throw myself in the nearest lake. Reading what others have written about their mothers, i am wondering if thats how my sons see me ? what do i do about it, i write to my other grandaughter who i never see, send her gifts and cards, also send my sons xmas presents and cards, but i get no reply. My ex has done such a good hatchet job on me and is still orchestrating my life with his control. How do i get my sons to talk to me and their brother, it grieves me terribly to see my family fragmented. AND….. ITS ALL MY FAULT. (thats what i believe !) i cannot yet get my head around the years of abuse apart from re-living it and its too painfull.. I am afraid of men, dont trust them. I would not want anyone to have to deal with the consequences of someone else’s abuse. I have so many hang ups. If anyone looks at me i am embarrased, cant take compliments and hate the way i look. Sorry this is getting long and boring. Does it get better ? i left my abuser 9 months ago. So glad i found your web link, its giving me at least some hope that maybe i’m not as bad as they think i am.

100

NEW POST published on the home page!
I was so moved by the comments made by Diane (who also shares on this thread) on an old post that I am sharing them (with her permission) as a blog post today. The first key for me was hope and this post is full of that!
You can read it here; http://emergingfrombroken.com/inspiration-and-hope-for-emotional-healing/
Hugs, Darlene

101

Hi Laura
Welcome to emerging from broken. The most important thing you can do to begin here is read some more of the articles and comments written here and try to do what YOU need to do for yourself first before you try to fix all the other relationships you are writing aobut. There is hope for healing; I write about how I sorted all this stuff out. It is a process but there is hope! It does get better. My life is nothing like it used to be; I have wonderful relationships with my husband and children and I have blance and health now too.
Hugs, Darlene

102

Hi Everyone
I have recieved some freedom rocks photos from a few of the readers. Uploading them all to one page is harder than I thought ~ they don’t always stay where I want them so I decided to do it after my vacation. True to my post I am taking some time off and going on a vacation. I will check on the blog but I won’t be uploading anything new while I am gone. Please continue to share with each other and read old posts; the only thing missing will be me! I will be back in June.
Hugs and love Darlene

p.s. thank you to the three people (in case you didn’t get my thank you notes) who gave me a donation as a result of this post. I am 1/3 of the way towards meeting my expenses for emerging from broken for next month.

103

Darlene,
YAY for you!! You have coached a bajillion people on how to take care of oneself! I am happy you’re taking that message to heart!! I still need you to be an inspiration. So, I need you to take good care of yourself, to enable you to continue. ENJOY your vacation.

Have you ever seen that movie, “what about Bob?” If not, you should watch it someday. So funny!! I thought of you going on vacation and having folks hunting you down, lol!! Please know I won’t do that! I want you to take it easy and take care of YOU!!
Blessings, safety, and FUN for your vacation!!
Love,
Mimi

104

Darlene, thanks for the update on the photos. Enjoy that vacation!!!

Mimi, I LOVE “What About Bob” and have seen it many, many times. It always makes me laugh out loud. Richard Dreyfuss and Bill Murray were hilarious together and I wished they would have made a sequel, or at least another film together. I will have to watch it again now. Great summertime movie.

105

Drained,
I was thinking the same thing as I was typing…. I’m going to have to watch it again now. I’ve seen it a bunch of times too. So funny! I named a goldfish after Bob’s fish once. Gill…. remember him?? In the mason jar around Bob’s neck? What a hoot!!
Mimi

106

Mimi, Yes! Gill. LOL. Definitely watching that movie again soon. I could relate to Murray’s character, but could also relate to Dreyfuss’s frustration.

107

LOL…. me too. I identified with Bob’s neediness, and with Dr. Marvin’s perfectionism and frustration. So funny!!

108

Hi Mimi and Drained
Yes, I have seen that movie! HAA I thought it was really funny too!
Hugs, Darlene
p.s. baby steps you guys…

109

FREEDOM ROCKS!

Greetings, All ~

This is a belated sharing of my experience with the FREEDOM ROCKS. I am so late in posting this because I nearly died in an accident on Maui two days after I threw the rocks in the ocean and have been (and still am) in recovery since then. That’s what I get for procrastinating on sharing my experience with y’all. LOL

The story about the accident is for another time and place; this is about FREEDOM ROCKS.

On Mother’s Day (May 13), I wrote on three rocks and then threw them from a cliff into the ocean water near Lahaina on Maui. We had arrived on the island the day before. My husband was with me and took photos of the rocks and of them sailing through the air and into the water, one at a time.

Rock #1 said: “FREEDOM ROCKS! MOTHER ISSUES GONE!
Rock #2 said: “OCCULT GONE! NO MORE CURSE!
Rock #3 said: “NO MORE FEAR! THANK YOU JESUS!

Although I have been working on my issues for decades, I was only able to finally experience the FREEDOM from my destructive mother, the multi-generational curse on my family, and my irrational, debilitating fears this year (due to God’s supernatural intervention in my life).

Thank you, Darlene and Mimi and all who participated in the meaningful event. Because of you I was able to physically do something to celebrate my FREEDOM. YOU ALL ROCK!

Peace, joy, love and hope to you all.
Gayle

110

Hi Gayle!!
Oh my gosh about your accident, I am so glad you are recovering now! (hope to hear the story when you feel like sharing it)
Thanks for sharing your freedom rocks story! That is awesome! How cool that you could do it there. I was in Mexico a few weeks ago and thinking about you throwing your rock in Hawaii! I was thinking about throwing a rock into the ocean one of these times too!
Thanks for sharing your hope and your victories!
Hugs, Darlene

111

Gayle,
Thank you for sharing your Rock story!! That’s awesome… except for the accident part. I hope you’re recovering well and taking good care of yourself.

Fear has been a big cloud over my life too. Irrational and debilitating fears. I hope to be completely free of them as I learn to better self parent. I think as a young child, there was so much chaos in our house, no one ever thought to say, “everything will be okay.” Not that mother would have said those words even if they did happen to hit her in the head, but, either way, it was never spoken and comfort in the form of affection wasn’t there either. I don’t think it occurred to mother to say those words or offer affection because she couldn’t take the focus off herself long enough to think how her kids might be doing in all of it. I remember if there was a particularly big chaotic event in our house, my sisters, mother and I would go places (say, my maternal grandparents house) and the talk was always about my poor mom and all she’d been through. She told the stories with emphasis on herself and how horrible it was for her. We sat quietly. No one asked if it was horribly terrifying for us. They were too busy absorbing the drama my mother was spewing. I don’t fault anyone for that really. It’s just the way it was. If anyone were at fault though, it would be mother dear! She’s masterful at sucking people in and it’s evident in her life still today. I’m happy to report she’s taken her last suck of my life’s blood. That game is over with me, permanently.

Anyhow, I really just wanted to share that I have similar fear issues. Got off on a little tangent there, as I often do!!
Speedy recovery sent your way Gayle!!
Peace and hugs,
Mimi

112

Thank you for your response to my message, Mimi. Yes, we have a lot in common. Ummm…does your mother have a sister or aunt named Marjorie? LOL.

“Everything will be okay.” I never heard those words, either, but I, too, know they would have helped tremendously with calming my fears and giving me hope (neither of which I experienced).

“Everything will be okay.” I’ve used those words with my kids and my grandkids and many other hurting women.

I didn’t realize how big that is until you mentioned it. Thank for for that. I won’t forget.

And, by the way, Mimi, everything will be okay.

Hugs,
Gayle

113

Awwww, Gayle, you gave me tears!!! You’re right!! Everything will be okay. I have needed to hear those words so often in life, particularly when I was young and hiding out from my dad’s fits of drunken anger. Those words really go a LONG way in helping people feel better. Thank you for that!!

Your kids and grandkids are blessed to have heard those comforting words from you!! 🙂
Love and Hope,
Mimi

114

Gayle,
I almost forgot…. no Marjories in my family. Haha!! Are there any Linda’s in yours?? I sure hope not!! 🙂
Smiling,
Mimi

115

Awww…I am blessed to hear your words, too, Mimi. I am giving you a big virtual hug right now. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

You know, you didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault your parents couldn’t love you. They had nothing to give. In spite of all that, you are doing great. I’m so proud of how far you have come. Never forget, everything is going to be okay, Mimi. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Love and comfort and joy to you,
Gayle

116

P.S. No one named Linda in my family. I guess one Linda and one Marjorie in each family is more than enough. Thank God!

117

Gayle,
Thank you!! Much love sent your way!!! 🙂
Mimi

118

“It wasn’t your fault your parents couldn’t love you. They had nothing to give.”

Holy cow, what a profound statement. That resonates so deeply with me and immediately provoked a tearful response. Thanks, Gayle, so much to think on in that.

119

Eddie, I’m so blessed to know this touched you on a deep level. It took me years and years to finally understand and believe that. I had only my own perspective to work with until then, which was not reality based. I experienced things as a child and made up my world view as a child. I couldn’t think outside my box…until decades later. Until then, it was all about me and my failure to be good enough, or worthy of love. There is a lot of freedom in discovering the truth. It truly is the truth that sets us free.

Peace and joy to you, Eddie.

Gayle

121

Here is the problem with “I’m done discounting me.” I am reading between lines on your blog, and it appears you had the same problem “connecting to your emotions” as I do. Someone can say something and I have no reaction, but 48 hours later I realize I didn’t like what was said. By then it’s too late.

122

JJ
Something that I realized that helped me a lot was that just because I didn’t react ‘at the time’ didn’t mean it was too late to react.
Hugs, Darlene

123

This is what I felt like when I left my mom’s house at the age of 18 and stopped talking to my father (until now) and to her (until the age of 21). FREE……God, I was literally high on that freedom! I did such a progress in self-development during that period, depression went away itself, I even looked differently (my hair, my complexion). I want to feel this again.

I am wondering about one thing…..there are more female than male users posting on EFM. When the case is about a mother- daughter relationship than that is obvious, but in other cases….what is it? Is it because guys usually hide their emotions or, is it that they are not such softies as we are…meaning…. I guess… usually when a guy was abused as a kid, he does not give second chances, he leaves at the age of 18 and never ever looks back. I wish I cut myself off from my entire “family” including my sister, like I was planning, but I was too much of a softie, which led me to where I am now….all these things would not have happened if I was more firm and I guess feared less.

124

Hi Sandra
I think that typically women are more comfortable sharing about this stuff. I have had men share using a name that is non gender specific and lots of men use their real names too, just less of them. It isn’t that less men were abused or that they handled it better, just less men sharing.
hugs, Darlene
p.s. something interesting though; more men make donations than women!

Leave a Comment