Comments on: Mother Daughter Relationship ~ False Definition of Love http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/ from surviving to thriving on the journey to wholeness Fri, 18 May 2012 01:25:30 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-79386 Darlene Ouimet Fri, 27 Apr 2012 00:27:18 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-79386 Hi Lynetta Welcome to Emerging from Broken I think you are going to like it here! I and the commenters here share a lot about how all of this effected us and how we overcame the damage it casued. It is sad that there are so many but it is healing to find that there are others too. (way more than I thought when I first started this site about overcoming aubse and depression by looking at the roots... I had no idea that so many had their roots in dysfunctional relationships with parents!) It is amazing that people are even telling you about things that happened to you. Validating I bet! Glad you are here, Hugs, Darlene Hi Lynetta
Welcome to Emerging from Broken
I think you are going to like it here! I and the commenters here share a lot about how all of this effected us and how we overcame the damage it casued. It is sad that there are so many but it is healing to find that there are others too. (way more than I thought when I first started this site about overcoming aubse and depression by looking at the roots… I had no idea that so many had their roots in dysfunctional relationships with parents!)
It is amazing that people are even telling you about things that happened to you. Validating I bet!
Glad you are here,
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Lynetta Ribordy http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-79382 Lynetta Ribordy Fri, 27 Apr 2012 00:12:09 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-79382 OMG....I just came across this blog! This so for me! I grew up knowing my mother disliked me....I've always known.Never could I do anything to please her! Believe me I tried so hard! Luckily I had others in my life who did love me.....including my father! I too have people who tell me now@ darn near 60 they so hurt for mr as a child. But, at that time....you minded your own business....never interfered! I vowed to do better for my children. I find that I overcompensate and I know it. The best thing I did was rid myself of is toxic person about ten years ago! Now she cries to everyone that she does not understand why I hate her.....I don't hate her.....I just want her to stay out of my life . I have tried repeatedly to reconcile .....it is impossible to reconcile with someone who never has done anything wrong! I have even apologized form being born.....I still am an awful person! Well, guess what..I am not an awful person! Thank god I have a wonderful husband great children and grandchildren! I am comforted when someone tells me how they hated the way she treated me.....it validates me....that she did treat me awful! Recently my cousins told me stories of things my mom would do to me.....none of which I even remembered ! There is no fixing this. I do hurt so bad for the mother I wish I had.....but, it's never to be! I know there are so many people in the same situation I am...it is so sad isn't it? OMG….I just came across this blog! This so for me! I grew up knowing my mother disliked me….I’ve always known.Never could I do anything to please her! Believe me I tried so hard! Luckily I had others in my life who did love me…..including my father! I too have people who tell me now@ darn near 60 they so hurt for mr as a child. But, at that time….you minded your own business….never interfered! I vowed to do better for my children. I find that I overcompensate and I know it. The best thing I did was rid myself of is toxic person about ten years ago! Now she cries to everyone that she does not understand why I hate her…..I don’t hate her…..I just want her to stay out of my life . I have tried repeatedly to reconcile …..it is impossible to reconcile with someone who never has done anything wrong! I have even apologized form being born…..I still am an awful person! Well, guess what..I am not an awful person! Thank god I have a wonderful husband great children and grandchildren! I am comforted when someone tells me how they hated the way she treated me…..it validates me….that she did treat me awful! Recently my cousins told me stories of things my mom would do to me…..none of which I even remembered ! There is no fixing this. I do hurt so bad for the mother I wish I had…..but, it’s never to be! I know there are so many people in the same situation I am…it is so sad isn’t it?

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-76088 Darlene Ouimet Mon, 16 Apr 2012 15:06:11 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-76088 Hi Penny Welcome to emerging from broken! This website is about how I got started on just about everything by finding out the root of all the problems and beliefs that were in my way when it came to living! I learned that my mother didn't get to decide what I could do or what I would be good at doing. I learned how to re-parent myself in all the ways that I had been missing a loving parent. I can't change my mothers heart. That is up to her. Knowing that was a huge freedom for me. There is a lot of support here in this website. Thank you for sharing and I hope you will share often. Hugs, Darlene Hi Penny
Welcome to emerging from broken!
This website is about how I got started on just about everything by finding out the root of all the problems and beliefs that were in my way when it came to living! I learned that my mother didn’t get to decide what I could do or what I would be good at doing. I learned how to re-parent myself in all the ways that I had been missing a loving parent. I can’t change my mothers heart. That is up to her. Knowing that was a huge freedom for me.
There is a lot of support here in this website. Thank you for sharing and I hope you will share often.
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Penny http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-75977 Penny Mon, 16 Apr 2012 06:32:30 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-75977 I too have a mother who is abusive. I read so much of me in your story. I have have a sister and brother who are both married and living well with their spouses. I have never been married and have no children. My mother told me once I would make a horrible mother and that she never wanted me and wished I have never been born. When I tried to tell her my dreams of being an author, I actually wrote a book and I am now waiting to get it published because I am out of work and have no income. I am unable to receive anymore unemployment. My mother could afford to help me publish my book, but she does not want to see me succeed at anything. I also want to take fencing and she said that was stupid. I no longerer talk to my brother and sister because of her, divide and conquer. I am usually by myself because I am afraid to get close to people because I know that she has warped my thinking on relationships. Last week she got upset with me and so to punish me, she has not called me in about 7 days. I am actually feeling better, more calm. I would really like to have friends, I am just not sure how to get started. My mother also told me if I ever got married it would not last a year because of my personality. I now spend every holiday alone, which I would like to change, but at least she is not putting me down if I am not within hearing distance. I wish I knew how to change her heart. I know it's not me, but I would like to have a support group, I just don't know where to get started. I will also be glad when my book is published, it will mean that I have some income coming in to support me, and that will give me back some of my self esteem that I have lost over the past few years. I too have a mother who is abusive. I read so much of me in your story. I have have a sister and brother who are both married and living well with their spouses. I have never been married and have no children. My mother told me once I would make a horrible mother and that she never wanted me and wished I have never been born.

When I tried to tell her my dreams of being an author, I actually wrote a book and I am now waiting to get it published because I am out of work and have no income. I am unable to receive anymore unemployment.

My mother could afford to help me publish my book, but she does not want to see me succeed at anything.

I also want to take fencing and she said that was stupid. I no longerer talk to my brother and sister because of her, divide and conquer.

I am usually by myself because I am afraid to get close to people because I know that she has warped my thinking on relationships.

Last week she got upset with me and so to punish me, she has not called me in about 7 days. I am actually feeling better, more calm. I would really like to have friends, I am just not sure how to get started.

My mother also told me if I ever got married it would not last a year because of my personality. I now spend every holiday alone, which I would like to change, but at least she is not putting me down if I am not within hearing distance.

I wish I knew how to change her heart. I know it’s not me, but I would like to have a support group, I just don’t know where to get started.

I will also be glad when my book is published, it will mean that I have some income coming in to support me, and that will give me back some of my self esteem that I have lost over the past few years.

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-72231 Darlene Ouimet Tue, 03 Apr 2012 15:11:00 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-72231 Hi Jeanie I am so sorry for your loss. I think about the event of my own mother dying all the time, wondering how I will feel because we don't have contact and I have thought of the same questions that you express here. I always come back to the same thoughts ~ that I was the child, and that it has been by acknowledging, facing and then healing from the damage that has enabled me to recover and not any kind of understanding from her or about her that helped. I have found peace that way. I hope that you do too. Thank you for sharing. I know this is very hard. Hugs, Darlene Hi Jeanie
I am so sorry for your loss. I think about the event of my own mother dying all the time, wondering how I will feel because we don’t have contact and I have thought of the same questions that you express here. I always come back to the same thoughts ~ that I was the child, and that it has been by acknowledging, facing and then healing from the damage that has enabled me to recover and not any kind of understanding from her or about her that helped. I have found peace that way. I hope that you do too. Thank you for sharing. I know this is very hard.
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-72230 Darlene Ouimet Tue, 03 Apr 2012 15:06:39 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-72230 Hi Meghann Thank you so much for sharing this. There is something certainly strange about the ways family doesn't do anything about this stuff and even pretends not to see it. I think it is really amazing that you decided to distance your children from letting her "toxic nature" influence them. I love that! I feel that way about my kids when it comes to my mother also. Hugs, Darlene Hi Meghann
Thank you so much for sharing this. There is something certainly strange about the ways family doesn’t do anything about this stuff and even pretends not to see it. I think it is really amazing that you decided to distance your children from letting her “toxic nature” influence them. I love that! I feel that way about my kids when it comes to my mother also.
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: Jeanie http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-72139 Jeanie Tue, 03 Apr 2012 01:14:48 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-72139 My first and so far only post on this site was July 16, 2011. On March 25, 2012 my mother died. I would like to tell you some sort of grand understanding between my mother and me occurred prior to her death, but that didn't happen. 2 nights before she died we talked a little. I cried, for soooo many reasons and she did her best to comfort me. But overall my mother died not recognizing the pain she had caused, nor me dealing with it any better than I ever did. Was it her fault or my fault... I don't know. Life is just so short. I hope with the passage of time I will put in perspective all the things that troubled me and I can find some sort of peace about life with my mother. My first and so far only post on this site was July 16, 2011. On March 25, 2012 my mother died. I would like to tell you some sort of grand understanding between my mother and me occurred prior to her death, but that didn’t happen. 2 nights before she died we talked a little. I cried, for soooo many reasons and she did her best to comfort me. But overall my mother died not recognizing the pain she had caused, nor me dealing with it any better than I ever did. Was it her fault or my fault… I don’t know. Life is just so short. I hope with the passage of time I will put in perspective all the things that troubled me and I can find some sort of peace about life with my mother.

]]> By: Meghann http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-72114 Meghann Mon, 02 Apr 2012 21:48:58 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-72114 I actually cried when I read this, not just because I could relate but because it had never occured to me that SO many women have endured the same toxic relationship with their mothers that I have. For SO many years I've felt alone with my anguish over my mother and how becoming a parent myself forced me to put distance between my mother and I. When I met my husband he had this expression that made perfect sense to me. "Some people become parents BECAUSE of their parents...bc they want to raise kids just as their parents did...bc they loved their childhoods THAT much...and then some people become parents IN SPITE of their parents". My husband was one of the first people...I am one of the second kind. I grew up thinking I had this great relationship with all my extended family; aunts uncle etc...but looking back this last year or so I find myself growing more angry that everyone SAW and KNEW the type of person my mother was and did nothing for me. I've tried letting that go, but now that I've had enough and have started putting MY children first and have kepy my kids from my mother, those people I used to think I was SO close to have turned their back on me and think I'm full of all this hate. And I know you ladies know, it's NOT hate...it has nothing to do with HATE. I love my mother...more than she ever loved me, more love than she could ever understand, but I choose to love ME first...I choose to love my husband and my children next, and that means refusing to let her toxic nature influence my children and poison their minds like mine was for so many years. Thank you Darlene...you give me hope and I now have a comfort in knowing I'm not alone afterall! I actually cried when I read this, not just because I could relate but because it had never occured to me that SO many women have endured the same toxic relationship with their mothers that I have. For SO many years I’ve felt alone with my anguish over my mother and how becoming a parent myself forced me to put distance between my mother and I. When I met my husband he had this expression that made perfect sense to me. “Some people become parents BECAUSE of their parents…bc they want to raise kids just as their parents did…bc they loved their childhoods THAT much…and then some people become parents IN SPITE of their parents”. My husband was one of the first people…I am one of the second kind.
I grew up thinking I had this great relationship with all my extended family; aunts uncle etc…but looking back this last year or so I find myself growing more angry that everyone SAW and KNEW the type of person my mother was and did nothing for me. I’ve tried letting that go, but now that I’ve had enough and have started putting MY children first and have kepy my kids from my mother, those people I used to think I was SO close to have turned their back on me and think I’m full of all this hate.
And I know you ladies know, it’s NOT hate…it has nothing to do with HATE. I love my mother…more than she ever loved me, more love than she could ever understand, but I choose to love ME first…I choose to love my husband and my children next, and that means refusing to let her toxic nature influence my children and poison their minds like mine was for so many years.
Thank you Darlene…you give me hope and I now have a comfort in knowing I’m not alone afterall!

]]> By: Darlene Ouimet http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-69255 Darlene Ouimet Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:29:46 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-69255 Hi "broken mother" I understand where you are coming from. This cycle has a tendency to repeat itself. I think you may get some more insights as you read through some of the articles and comments here. When I started to come out of the fog, I realized that because of the way I was regarded "with no value" by my own upbringing, I didn't regard myself with much value, so I was actually communicating that message to my children; and when my son was 12, I realized he was starting to treat me the same disrespectful way that so many others in my life were treating me... What I did was I concentrated on healing me and as I healed, my children began to see a different me. I no longer treated myself with disrespect and I didn't accpet it as "right behaviour".. I was very gentle with them in this process because it was the message that I gave them about my value in the first place (they had seen my mother walk all over me and I didn't do a thing about it) so it was up to me to change that message.. This takes time. I hope you will stick around with us here. Hugs, Darlene Hi “broken mother”
I understand where you are coming from. This cycle has a tendency to repeat itself. I think you may get some more insights as you read through some of the articles and comments here. When I started to come out of the fog, I realized that because of the way I was regarded “with no value” by my own upbringing, I didn’t regard myself with much value, so I was actually communicating that message to my children; and when my son was 12, I realized he was starting to treat me the same disrespectful way that so many others in my life were treating me… What I did was I concentrated on healing me and as I healed, my children began to see a different me. I no longer treated myself with disrespect and I didn’t accpet it as “right behaviour”.. I was very gentle with them in this process because it was the message that I gave them about my value in the first place (they had seen my mother walk all over me and I didn’t do a thing about it) so it was up to me to change that message.. This takes time. I hope you will stick around with us here.
Hugs, Darlene

]]> By: broken mother http://emergingfrombroken.com/mother-daughter-relationship-false-definition-of-love/comment-page-2/#comment-69140 broken mother Wed, 21 Mar 2012 03:49:22 +0000 http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=1114#comment-69140 This is an issue that many of us suffer from. I do as well. i tried to love her and my grandmother but they were so mean to me. one day i decided not to be their dumping ground nor obligated to be their dumping ground. so for 2 years i didn't come around them and they changed the way they treated me but for all purposes i had changed who i was and they no longer are able to make me feel like less than a person. but now their is a double-edge sword to it all, i can t go to them when i feel i need them. my daughter on the otherhand treats me with the same kind of obligation to her but gives me none back. i want to let her leave my life but it is hard because she is my only daughter out of 4 but the reality is she doesn't appreciate me i'm like a comfortable hat she puts on when she doesn't want to mess up her hair and throw it on the floor until she needs it again. i wish she cared about our relationship like i do but my desires come from not having a good one with my mother and grandmother. i guess it's just me that wants one with her and not her with me and i guess i will have to accept that.....it is killing me but i guess all relationships come to an end one day This is an issue that many of us suffer from. I do as well. i tried to love her and my grandmother but they were so mean to me. one day i decided not to be their dumping ground nor obligated to be their dumping ground. so for 2 years i didn’t come around them and they changed the way they treated me but for all purposes i had changed who i was and they no longer are able to make me feel like less than a person. but now their is a double-edge sword to it all, i can t go to them when i feel i need them. my daughter on the otherhand treats me with the same kind of obligation to her but gives me none back. i want to let her leave my life but it is hard because she is my only daughter out of 4 but the reality is she doesn’t appreciate me i’m like a comfortable hat she puts on when she doesn’t want to mess up her hair and throw it on the floor until she needs it again. i wish she cared about our relationship like i do but my desires come from not having a good one with my mother and grandmother. i guess it’s just me that wants one with her and not her with me and i guess i will have to accept that…..it is killing me but i guess all relationships come to an end one day

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