Comments on: Mother Daughter Relationship ~ False Definition of Love

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:49:11 +0000

Hi Laurie
Welcome to EFB I am glad that you can relate! You are not alone here. Please understand that in this site, many have been abused by christians and other spiritual abuses so your comments saying that Jesus is the answer actually offend some. Not saying you are wrong, just saying that many have been abused by bible stuff but what works is just to model that love you have found from him. Thanks
and there are lots of articles in here about the saying “just let it go” ~ hope you enjoy it here!!
Hugs, Darlene

By: Missn

Missn — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:29:00 +0000

I don’t know about checking out Jesus, but I do know that it is important for me to take control of my life and not let someone else do that. I try to remember that I am here for some kind of higher good. I have been amazed at how I have reverted back to a more child-like state since staying with my elderly parent for the past few weeks and that is not right.

By: Laurie

Laurie — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:48:46 +0000

Dear Missn:
Yes it is so encouraging to speak with people who understand and not to get the “you gotta let that go”…. I kept thinking what’s wrong with me…. My family of choice knows that I will not be alone with her anymore and thankfully they understand. She still tries with her “emergency” needs or let me just “pop on over” for a visit with you. My sister is the golden child who lives far away and is just such a busy women. I am sure you all can relate. I am grateful for the ability to share and release the pain in a safe place. I would encourage people to “check out” Jesus as He can heal you.

By: Missn

Missn — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:54:44 +0000

Dear Laurie;
I cannot believe how many of us have been affected by the female head of the households and the impact that has had on us. I also cannot believe how many of us have tried to turn to something greater than us to find relief from this problem. I feel for all of those who are trying to work this trhough and am glad there is support.

By: Laurie

Laurie — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 20:43:50 +0000

Darlene,
I too was raised by a woman who is incapable of love. Your blog blew me away because it describes how I feel to a “t”. My dad struggled with this his whole life never wanting to cross her path. I recognize that the problem in our family is generational sin and it helps me in my quiet moments to ignore the messages of worthlessness. When I was a child and teenager, I spoke with my dad about the way she spoke to me. And he would respond, “she means well, it just comes out wrong”. Ouch…. my dad knew. He traveled for work and whenever he was away, she would vomit all her pain onto me. I could not escape it (I did manage to leave as soon as I graduated from HS). When he came home and she was not hovering, he would discreetly look at me with the eyes that said “I love you”. I have wasted so much energy on trying to be someone that would make her happy. Thankfully, in 2004, I gave myself to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He saved me! I cannot imagine going through life without Him. I still have work to do as my dad has passed away and she is 84 and requiring assistance, but I know that I am loved by the Creator of the heavens and earth and He is coming back just for me!

By: Cindy

Cindy — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:24:02 +0000

Hey again. I believe God has been by my side, my whole life, and answered prayer in all kinds of way. A friend of mine once said God is not answering her prayers. I told her….”God puts people in your path sometimes to help answer your prayers….and God told me to tell you that you are screwing up your life by focusing on….blah blah blad….” She laughed…but saw the light. The people in her path have helped her so much these last two years and she did not see that as an answer! Wake up dear friend. Anyway, my prayer to hear my father utter, “I am sorry.” was long coming, since I had not asked God for the apology until the day before my father, who had had a stroke, so could not dial the phone, made my brother call me and said the words. I was stunned how fast prayer was answered. I had not gone to God before with the request….ever….just a general “help me”. So forming the question is half the battle and knowing what you need is the realization that has to be reached. Hope this makes sense. Be kind to yourself first, the rest will follow. I forget this mantra, often. When I do follow my own advice, life gets better. Unlearning old patterns of operation is difficult, but doable. Kinda like dieting! This is what I know and believe after 56 years.

By: Missn

Missn — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 02:45:23 +0000

I have waited most of the day thinking about what was written above and it has been the key thing I have been trying to understand and get in order to be whole and well. It is different for everyone. Darlene, you said you had to put the God thing aside in order to have a spiritual relationship….me, it is the other way, I believe I have to put the mother thing aside in order to have a spiritual relationship and more than that, I had to put me aside in order to have a spiritual relationship. I know some people will not understand, but when I was young, because of what was going on, I cried out to and got help from God all the time. And throughout my teenage years when I first left home I kept in touch with God at all times, and that is hard work in a very, very complex world. There was a point when I went back to the family of origin and a mother that had been abandoned who told me that I was special for going back to “save” her. I have explained in this thread before that it is that point that made me really sick because then I started working to get her approval instead of God’s and as a result, became quite egotistical and selfish and a few other yucky things and alot of people got hurt. I got sick. It was not her fault, necessarily. And as Cindy said, it was a free will choice. Now I choose to have a relationship with God first and that means doing things for “His” approval instead of my mother’s which essentially kept me in the position of an adult child instead of a healthy, fully functioning, self aware adult. Now, in the role as caretaker for the last couple weeks, the old martyr complex, and being special complex have all comeup again and I don’t want them, can’t do it. It is not my job, my job is to be a spiritual, loving and caring human being. To be in touch with the Creator. I don’t want to be dependent on her and am more than half way through my own life and do not want to lose anymore of it. It can be a confusing relationship, but we must make those choices. This might not make any sense to anyone, but I am starting to get it figured out, just having the courage to do it.
So much more to say on this but so little time.

By: Cindy

Cindy — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 19:04:10 +0000

Darlene, like I said…free will is all part of everything. We have choices to make to put our lives on the path of healing. The Bible says honor (not be a doormat) your parents,…..but I could not do that for many years, too, in order to straighten everything out for myself. I came full circle in the end, to some degree. Some call it luck, some call it devine intervention. This year, I finally was given an apology by my 88 year old mother. The year my father was dying, he finally said he was sorry for the destruction he reap on our family. I was happy to hear him say the words, but sad that it took him a whole liftime to utter them. There was no more time to rebuild a relationship. I might have some time with my mother, now. I swore I would NEVER wait that long to apologize to my children if I have wronged them.

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 16:02:49 +0000

I got really trapped in that whole putting God first thing and used that to avoid the roots of the problems. And also to beat myself up some more because my faith was so faulty. I spent years in bible studies and the whole nine yards and it was only when I set that all aside and got to the foundation of the whole problem, saw the truth for what it was about the abuse in my life, figured out what I beleived about myself because of it and began to heal, that I was even able to apply and understand the message in the bible that I had been studying all those years. It was as though I had to put “god” aside in order to find him.
Hugs, Darlene

By: Missn

Missn — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 03:21:39 +0000

Hi Cindy, Darlene…as I try to figure what this dysfunction is in the relationship, I try to remember that we have to put God first. I do not know whether this has been dependent or codependent but because of the nature of approval-seeking, I find I have spent a better part of my life either running from it or too it. But the answer, from different 12-step groups I have participated in is to walk with the Creator, God, all the time. So, for example, this time, I travelled a very long way to visit and the visit is becoming testy again but that is because there is some part of me that feels responsible for all the difficulties the other person is in, so detachment has to come into play. We can empathize, but in the end, we all have the opportunity to be responsible for our own lives and live up to the expectation of some power greater than ourselves, which is not a parent…and if it is, we are in big trouble. I think this has been a huge source of confusion which I have trying to work through. God is God, there is a big difference.