Mother Daughter Relationship ~ False Definition of Love
By
“Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, “you own me.” Look at what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.” Hafiz
Reading all the posts from Carla and her Mom, Debbie, got me to thinking about my own Mother and all that has come and gone in our relationship. Sometimes I wish that she and I could mend this broken fence. Sometimes I miss my mother.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have this longing that I have labelled as “missing my mother” but it is a longing for something that has always been missing. It is a longing for love, a longing to have value in my mother’s life and a longing to feel like I mattered to her. That longing is a longing for something that has never really been there.
Sometimes I wonder where this longing came from if I never had it in the first place. Maybe my mother was an amazing mother when I was an infant; when I was a baby who was completely dependent on her. Maybe she was filled with love when she looked down at me, when I was so little, so fragile and perfect in my helplessness. I needed her then. Maybe she thought that my dependency on her was love. How was she loved and what did she think that love was? Did she think that this little baby would fill the void that was in her soul? And maybe when I was a little baby, with no verbal ability, no opinion separate from her, no will of my own, that was exactly how she wanted it and that was love. Well whatever it was then, somewhere along the line everything went terribly wrong.
My mom used to get mad at me and tell me that no matter how nasty her own mother was that they (her and her siblings) always loved her anyway. I realized that my mother was actually telling me that I did not love her “the right way”. I was expected to love her, because she was my mother. I remember even in my own brokenness, wondering why we feel that we have to love our parents just because they are our parents. My mother says that she did the best she could and after my parents split up when I was 12, she constantly stated that she never asked to be a single parent as though that was why she wasn’t a caring or loving parent.
And this isn’t just about my mother because I was expected to love other people who had no regard for me. Why “should” I love people who cause me pain, people who humiliate me and tell me by their actions that I am worthless? Why did I have to love people who only contributed to the pain in my life, people that never cared about me, never wanted to see me for who I was but only for what I could do for them? There was this deep down niggling doubt about the words “should” and why obligation was somehow connected to the word love, but I could not quite grasp the whole picture.
My mother taught me the wrong definition of the word love. I learned by her actions. I learned by her expectations. I learned that I was obligated ~ I was supposed to love her and that loving her meant doing what she wanted and never upsetting her. Love was about ME carrying the entire burden of the relationship. Love was keeping dirty little secrets. Love was accepting that I was not worthy of protection and not putting up a fuss about it because that would upset her. I could fight, I could express the unfairness of it all, but there was a price to pay for the fight and I was ignored. It was painfully clear to me that my feelings didn’t matter; only her feelings did. The problem was that by her definition of love, I was not loved and that is how I knew that I was not loved. My mother did not love me by HER own definition of the word.
I had a fantasy about having a certain type of mother. I worked very hard to earn her love and acceptance of me, believing that one day I would find the magic key. I finally accepted that it wasn’t going to happen because SHE can’t do it. It isn’t because I can’t be what she wants. The lack is not in me.
I feel sorry for my mother. She doesn’t know what love is. She never saw me as an individual. She doesn’t know that love is more fulfilling when it is mutual. She doesn’t know that obligation isn’t part of love. My mother is so sure that she is right about how it should be that when I finally said enough and that I was not going to accept her system anymore, she could not consider my feelings. She could not stop blaming me, she did not want to bother with trying to work it out with me because it had to be her way and I had the nerve and disrespect to ask for something more.
I miss and even sometimes mourn the idea of (one day) having a loving mother. When I told my mother that I had had enough and she closed the door, at first I felt this horrible fear. I felt like I could not function without a mother, that I HAD to have one. I think that abusive people teach us this lie ~ that without them we will die, so that we are afraid to stand up to them. It is all part of the control they have over us. Within about 3 months, I started to realize that the oppression that I lived under was lifting. I realized that I was not getting wound up all the time about proving myself. I began to see how toxic the relationship really was and I began to realize a new freedom. In my wholeness I have realized that I do not have to have a toxic relationship EVEN if that means that I don’t have any relationship with my mother.
The bottom line with all of this is that I had to determine and own my own value. I had to stop living under my mother’s definition of love, and find the real definition. I drew my boundaries with my mother as I was learning to love and value myself. I grew in my emotional health to the exact extent that I was willing to stand up for myself and to stand up for the truth. Today I know my value and that I am equally valuable to every other human being. If people treat me as though I am not equally valuable, (even if those people are part of my family) I no longer accept that. I am in charge of my self esteem and in the past I just told myself not to feel bad when someone devalued me but today I choose not to be around people who hurt me.
Because I am worth it,
Darlene Ouimet
30 Comments
June 12th, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Thanks so much for sharing this. Yes, you are worth it! So many things in this post ring true regarding the relationship with me and my mother. Many people have a difficult time understanding why a daughter would sever ties with her mother. It has been almost 6 years for me and my life has changed so much…I have grown so much as a person, wife, and sibling. My heart is with you and other daughters out there who are “missing their mothers.”
June 12th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
I always tried so hard to earn my mother’s love. I always thought that if I just tried harder, maybe she would finally love me. Even after cutting off contact with her, I still wonder sometimes if I could have done more to earn her love. Your posts have been helping me to work though some of the pain of the past – that it wasn’t my fault, and that even if I did get her to admit what she did, it wouldn’t make me feel any better. I still miss the idea that someday I might have a mother that loves me. I probably always will.
June 12th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
SYM and Tracy,
Thanks for your comments! It is difficult for others to understand the ‘why’ part. I was telling someone the other day about a few of the things that my mother did to me to show me how she really felt about me.. and I realized ~ OH MY GOSH… why would I think that it was ME? why would I think that I might have not tried hard enough or that my expectations were just too high. I was always so willing to blame myself..(becasue she taught me to)
I had to become my own mother ~ I had to re parent myself, and still I have to sometimes do this. The more that I nurture myself, the less I miss the mother that I didn’t have.
This is a very hard process, but we are worth it and it does get better and easier. It was hard for me to believe that truth, but I do believe it today!
Hugs, Darlene
June 12th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Darlene, I could just say “ditto” to everything you said. I grew up longing for a connection with my mom. I wanted her to love me, to notice me, to delight in me. Finally, as an adult, I became useful to her and we finally had a relationship. I thought we were close because being used was all I knew about love. The sexual abuse by my dad taught me that. Even though we talked almost daily, I still felt hollow. She only paid attention to me as a means to her ends. When I stopped doing the things she approved of, she withdrew.
As I got healthier, I set some boundaries. Up till that point, I had never seen her rage. Wow, I was shocked by her response. I was prepared for separation if need, but I didn’t think it would come to that. Once I cut off ties, I felt free in a way I never had. It felt like I could finally breathe in fresh air. It was wonderful.
I think that great feeling lasted for about a year or so and then the pain hit. Really hit! I’m still dealing with the different levels of accepting the truth that I’ll never have a mother any more than I ever did. She doesn’t have it in her, so nothing I do can bribe her to give it to me. I’ve learned that she doesn’t have love to give to me, but I do. I’m in the process of learning to love myself. I feel love for myself, but I’m still improving on the practical ways of showing it.
June 12th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
I share your story….What can I say? I walked away because I learned to actually love myself, to validate myself, to respect myself…she didn’t like it one bit. There is so much I didn’t receive from her; but on the other hand, there is so much I learned from her…
Thank you for posting. Although the tears welled b/c I understood completely, sometimes its nice to know I’m not alone; that others have experienced the same obstacles & journey within their own lives.
*Hugs…*
June 12th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
I can totally relate, I have done several pseudo-separations from my mother trying to assert myself over the years, but typical of abusive family dynamics, cutting her off means cutting off everyone in the family because they all are enmeshed with her and dont see anything she has ever done as abuse, and she doesnt either….and I have known all my life that she didnt accept me and love me unconditionally and that I wouldnt ever meet her conditions for love, even at my best…so I have mourned her for years and mourned the fact that my mother will never love me for who I am…and finally this last time I was hospitalized was the last straw, because not only did she not support me emotionally, she actually called me insane and told me I was a horrible parent and didnt deserve to be a mother and I should give my children up for adoption (and this was about 5 minutes after I signed out of the psychiatric hospital) and then as a last ditch effort to try to get some sympathy or some kind of connection I disclosed a very small portion of my childhood sexual abuse in the hopes that that would bring out the “mother” in her….and I didnt even get an “im sorry that happened to you” or a hug. So that was the last straw for me, and its been extremely hard because I have no one but my husband in my “real” life that is there for me at all….well and my therapist, but she is paid to be there for me, she isnt a friend or a companion and doesnt “love” me. But Im learning to love me and value me and cutting off my mother is the first step in that process….its only been about a month…but I feel so much better already. Its hard as hell and I make sure every single day that my kids know that I love them no matter what and that nothing they can do or say or not do or say will ever change that. I am determined to be the mother I never had.
June 12th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Having a good relationship with your own children and realizing the void between you (anybody) and your(anybody) own mother does cause pain. In many cases it can’t be repaired. But people wish that their relationship with their children could be full filled the same as with their own mom
June 12th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
I sat here and cried as I read your story. I cried for the two little girls that you and I both were who didn’t feel loved by our mothers. I lied to myself as a child and would keep saying that I knew my mother loved me. I said the words over and over trying to convince myself that she did. In her own way, she probably did love me but it wasn’t the way that I needed her to love me. Our mothers couldn’t love us because they didn’t love themselves.
June 13th, 2010 at 7:55 am
Christina,
The part in your comment that really struck me was when you said “She only paid attention to me as a means to her end”. WOW… that is such a bottom line truth with abusers and controllers of any kind. It’s like people believe that children are born to serve the purpose of the parents… and where is the “love” in that?
The pain hits me on and off too but it is better than the bondage that I lived in for so long before. And the fresh air part is wonderful!
Thanks for sharing with us, you bring so much hope for healing to our table!
Love Darlene
June 13th, 2010 at 8:04 am
Christy,
I think one of the reasons that I write this blog is because so many people share that statement that it is nice to know we are not alone. There is so much disaproval in the world about standing up to a parent as though that is the worst thing a person can do. I always rememeber that the only way that any of us have hope for change is to do what is right. My co-author of this blog, Carla stood up for herself and her mother heard her. Her mother valued her enough to take a closer look at the relationship. If Carla had not taken that chance, her mother would not have taken a look at the situation. Her mother chose to change and together they worked on their relationship. I stood up for myself and my mother decided not to try. She decided that I was not worth it. She decided that she would rather live in the old system but she also lost me. However, what did I lose? I lost the opression, I lost the constant disaproval. I gained freedom and a new love and respect for myself. I learned to look at relationships in a whole new way, and to value my children as individuals. In the end, its pretty dang good!
Thanks so much for your comments!
Hugs, Darlene
June 13th, 2010 at 8:11 am
Rebekah, YES ~ I am determined to be the mother that I never had too!
Thank you for sharing your story, with such depth and honesty. I can totally relate. It is very hard to learn self love and self value when we allow someone in our lives to treat us like nothing. I grew much more quickly when I stood up to the abuse in my life. I am not saying that everyone has to cut ties, as Carla and her Mother have shown us in the posts about the healing that they did, but I am suggesting that we all need to stand up for ourselves somehow, to take that first step towards self love.
Thanks for your presence on our blog!
Hugs, Darlene
June 13th, 2010 at 8:16 am
Patricia,
Have I told you lately how much I appreciate your input!
You make such a huge point ~ “our mothers could not love us because they didn’t love themselves.” I feel so sad for my Mom. She has missed all this, she has lost her only daughter, all because she could not let go of her belief system, she could not let herself be vulnerable enough to love, and she could not let the light in enough to learn to love herself. I wish that she knew what I know about freedom, truth and wholeness.
Thanks for being here, thanks for being you and thanks for the work you do and for your lovely blog.
Darlene
June 13th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Our relationships with our mothers…. What a huge topic this is. My father told me for as long as I can remember that “I” ruined my mothers life the day she became pregnant. She verified it by screaming at me “I wish you were never born.” and “I hate you.” My stepfather is a wonderful guy with no children of his own. He married my mother when I was still in my twenties. (I’m in my 50′s now) On the very few occassions I have visited, he intoduces me as he beautiful daughter and non of his friends know that I am not his daugher. He is always very proud of my accomplishments. the downside? I get to feel bad when my mother announces that he is her husband. I actually felt a little guilt when she said that even though I KNEW it was dysfunctional talk! I call once a month so that I am not a bad daughter. We talk about her garden, her meetings and her life. I might get a word in about a grandbaby on the way. She will say how nice and move on. She has never met my children, or my grandchildren. I discovered a couple of years ago that when I email pictures, Stepdad will show her, but she really isn’t interested. I too long for a relationship that there never was and never will be. My mother will always on some level see me as “the other woman.” I made a decision to settle for what little she has to offer, because for some reason, I think its better than nothing. I didn’t speak to her for years. This works for me, though I know it doesn’t for everyone. And like many here I strive to be a good mother and grandmother. My book is dedicated to my children, I wrote, “thank you for teaching me to be the child I never was and the mother I wanted to be.” As Always Darlene. Excellent Piece!!! Thanks for listening, Annie
June 13th, 2010 at 11:31 am
Annie,
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story with us.
If anyone is interested in Annie’s book “Can you hear me now?” about her life as a child living with violence and abuse, I am including the link to the site.
Hugs, Darlene
http://www.ireadiwrite.com/Memoirs/
June 13th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
Same here. I was valuable to my nutjob mother only for the things I could accomplish that would tell the world what a great mother I was. I kept thinking well if I succeed in this or that, maybe that will be “enough”. Maybe then I will deserve her love. I didn’t realize I was to never come because she was I capable of feelingany emoion that was no her own.
I can’t really say much more on this one as my stuff with my mother is far from being sorted out. But thank you once again for a brilliant courage and sparkling insight
June 13th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Darlene’s post was like reading my own story. I am near sixty and have just severed the relationship with my mother. I found that in breaking ties with my mother also involved breaking ties with the family.
My situation is somewhat peculiar and I am not sure what to do. I am a mother of four (in reality, five) children who are intelligent, educated, independent, and successful with their lives. When I was 15 a young man (never identified) forced himself on me sexually and the result was a pregnancy. I lived in denial for six months of that pregnancy and my family did not see it either.
My mother and my father who longed for more children and miscarried many times, after my sister and I (the oldest) were born, were determined to adopt my baby boy. They raised my son and have never told him that I am his mother. So, he believes that I am his older sister. It is a family secret that all the extended family (relatives) know about. Everyone knows… accept my son, who is now forty-three. My two youngest know the truth but the two oldest do not.
My parents have a dysfunctional relationshop and come from dysfunctional families. My father was dedicated to the Navy and absent much of the time. He was also an alcoholic but never drank in front of us because my mother would never allow it as her own father was quite abusive with alcohol, as well. Nevertheless, we suffered the consequences of his actions. He became sober when I was twenty-one.
To make this situation worse, I had a brief first marriage which resulted with a divorce when I was 3 months pregnant. I had no where to go accept home to mom and dad. They accepted me in which established tighter control over me and my second baby. When my second child was six, I remarried and have been married 31 years to a highly intelligent electrical engineer. He had never been married and accepted my second child and we have had a productive life together. We have overcome many issues together and have grown together in the midst of it all. We raised our family in the Christian faith which is another story all of its own but has contributed much to the issues we have.
Recently, I have had to sever relations with my son and his wife which began the severing of ties with the rest. They have a daughter (my grandchild) whom I adore. I became very close to them, finally, during the last eight years and was so privileged to be there for the birth of their daughter. I was there alone with them and was the first in the family to hold the infant and to help in the first few days of her life. Needless to say, there was a bonding. I always held them in high esteem and respect. My husband has been very good about this issue and respected the family wishes, although, he feels that my son should know the truth. I think so as well. We have done many things with my son and wife embracing them with love and gifts. I have longed to tell him but my extended family resists. My sister has done all she can to claim him and cause division between us.
Last August there was an altercation between my youngest daughter (who knows the secret)and the son in question. I should note that he also abuses alcohol. We do not. My husband was there as well and the scene took place in a restaurant. My daughter who just “came out” as a Lesbian (as if things are not difficult enough which upsets all the values we had in place) has been picked on by my sister (who always feels free to correct me and my children) and others. The situation was clearly my son’s fault as he had been drinking a lot that day and was being abusive to my daughter. She is only twenty and we are being very careful with her in her newfound life. But he ran with his story to the family. He did not like what my husband said to him about his actions. The situation was difficult for my husband as they were all traveling together to take my daughter to a different city for college. There were many attempts to reconcile the situation, on our part, and it did not help that my parents became involved by telling me that my husband and daughter are both liars and that I need psycological help. I got the impression that I was to choose between them and my own family. I chose my husband and daughter, of course.
My own chidren and husband have told me for years about how controlled I am by my family. To make this long story shorter, the end result of the last eight months, is that I have severed all ties with my extended family. And, they don’t care. But I still have this delimma concernig the “lie” perpetrated by my parents. They have never liked my husband or his children. We have always been treated like we are worthless but we live a good life as upper middle-class citizens.
I have never had professional counsel on this issue but I am considering it because of the grief I have. I want to do what is right. By nature, I am an appeasing, complacent person which has led to my own undoing many times over and leaves me wide open for abuse. I never knew how to properly set boundaries with anyone. I finally realized that I place everyone I know in the positon of authority and of higher over me. It has been a real struggle to realize my own self-worth and to recognize myself as an independent individual with a life of my own to live. My own children have seen this in me and encourage me to develop myself. I am open to any suggestions and insight that anyone might want to give me regarding my story.
June 13th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Debbie, My heart goes out to you. I do not feel qualified to make specific recommendations about such a complex situation (and I’m sure it is even more complex than you were able to go into), but I would absolutely encourage you to seek some professional counsel, not only to support you in your grief but to help you consider how best to move forward, under the circumstances. My personal opinion isn’t necessarily relevant, but it does seem to me that the truth ultimately needs to come out, although care will need to be taken in how that is accomplished. A therapist or counselor will be able to offer some guidance about that.
Also, there may be others who can recommend more recent resources, but if you are not already familiar with John Bradshaw’s book “Family Secrets,” I think you might find it helpful. I haven’t read it in years, but it’s a classic that might even be available in your local library and is definitely worth a look.
I offer my prayers for you and your family, Debbie, and I believe that sharing your story here–as well as your openness to help–is an act of courage and an important step in the direction of healing.
Grace and peace to you.
June 13th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Lenora, thank you for your opinions and thoughts regarding my situation for they are very helpful. I am very open and actively seeking resolution for my issues. I am going to pursue guidance because I am a firm believer that the truth sets you free. I will also look for the book.
Thank you.
June 14th, 2010 at 4:44 am
I had to take a few days to read this because every time I started, I was overwhelmed with emotion. What you describe, Darlene, is very similar to what I encounter with my mother all the time. I too feel sorry for her because she is so unhappy. But I still feel that obligation to try to make her happy. I know it is toxic, but I still do it. I don’t know how to close the door on her. What’s worse is that I keep recreating that disapproving relationship, relationships in which I have to continually prove myself and in which I am continually falling short: my boss, friends, etc.
I admire your honesty, as usual. I guess I need to get clear about what I want from the relationship and not keep playing the game. I tell myself I keep playing because I don’t want to hurt her, but maybe it is just out of habit. It needs to end, or I will. Thank you, Darlene for this post and this blog.
June 14th, 2010 at 5:14 am
What an excellent post. You could be describing my mother and I here. Same thing. The only difference is that some wind went out of my mother’s sails after my father passed away. When I finally did start setting boundaries, she did fight it, blame me, etc. But she finally realized she was getting nowhere and stopped. So I did not have to go completely no contact. We just have a very superficial relationship now in which we do not discuss anything of importance. We will never be close. She occasionally will still try to manipulate me in some way but I just ignore it and she doesn’t push it.
I think the need to be love is innate, we’re born with it. Then we get out in the world and see how others relate to their mothers and conjure up this fantasy of what we want. It is so painful to realize we are never going to get it, that we were never loved just because we are here. It is also liberating to accept that truth and let go of the fantasy, even if we do still feel sad sometimes.
Great post, thank you so much for sharing this!
June 14th, 2010 at 6:57 am
Debbie, Welcome!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am a big fan of therapy; for me it helped me to move forward more quickly. My therapist helped me to cut through all the fog so that I could sort all this stuff out. I had to realize that the lies were keeping me sick and part of the problem was that I was covering up for other people. It is hard to sort out lies that began when we were young, it a way it is like having been ‘brainwashed’. Once we are used to accepting someone elses twisted truth, it is easy for them to continue to control us even when we are adults. This gets complicated (as you have discribed here in your comment) and a good therpaist can help with that sorting out process so much.
Hugs, Darlene
June 14th, 2010 at 7:05 am
Lenora, welcome and thank you for your compassionate comments to Debbie.
Splinterdones; I totally relate. Thanks for sharing.
Lisa,
You bring up such a huge point. This is exactly what can happen; we start to live out all our relationships the same way, getting involved with people we feel we have to prove our worth to. That is why I am such a big fan of sorting it all out, finding our own worth, taking ownership of our true value and breaking free of that whole system of being defined by our actions, and other peoples opinions of us. At the other end of that process is freedom, wholeness and living a full life. YAHOO LOL
hugs, Darlene
June 14th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Darlene,
Thank you! I am so glad that I found Emerging From Broken. I have read a lot of the posts from you and others and find this tremendously helpful and encouraging. As one that was very involved with counseling others and understand thouroughly what is being said, I find that I need validation from others about a decision I know that I need to make.
Your comment about the “twisted truth” of others made an impact on me. It is like being brainwashed. Six years ago I left a church that I had been involved with for quite sometime. The leader was twisted unbeknowst to me. He gradually and subtly led the church into a cult-like situation. He was very controling and manipulative. I would say that he is a classic case of narcissistic personaltiy disorder and very good with thought reform. This man whose wife had left him, began to committ indecretions that were becoming exposed as well as some other very sick situations of others that were part of the small group of people left. By default I had assumed a position of leadership. I was very devoted and worked hard at this volunteer position as though it were a paying job. I realize now that I was trying to prove my worth in so many ways. Because of my postion and the sick combination of people I was somehow made the scapegoat for all of the “evil” in the church. I was stunned that I had fallen for such a sham and immediately left. My husband was gone a lot on business so therefore he was not aware of how deep the issues were. He started becoming a little more involved and that raised a lot of questions for him. It was hard for me to hear from him what I needed to hear but eventually I realized he was right. I leaned more into my husband and we left together to his delight.
I spent the last six years unraveling the “twisted truth” or “lie” that I had devoted ten years to. Painful!! It is hard to undo your belief system. Somehow the whole sordid issue with the church has prepared me for a much deeper issue in my life of “twisted truth” but I have finally hit the place where I know I need a therapist to help me through this next phase for it so critical and involves so many people. I hold the weight of how this will affect everyone and find that I need validation on what to do next.
Thank you so much for this site!
June 14th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Cyndi,
I agree, I think we are born to love and be loved… and it very healing/liberating to let go of that fantasy!
Thanks for stopping by! (I encourage other readers here to click on Cyndi’s name and visit her excellent blog too. )
Hugs, Darlene
June 14th, 2010 at 9:40 pm
Debbie,
It is amazing to me how abuse crosses over into so many other areas. I have been in funky church settings also and my kids were in a Christian school where guilt and shame was used as a tool to make them conform. My daughter told me (when she was 9 or 10) that she was afraid to pray and afraid of Jesus ~ what if he was like her mean teacher? It broke my heart. I had to find the truth there too. I spent 8 years doing precept study, which means that I studied the bible using greek and hebrew word origins. I was pretty shocked to find out how our teachers and church leaders can twist thing in the bible to the degree that they do in order to control people. I think the bible is a great book IF you understand what it is saying… I hate the way most people twist it up and make it say things it isn’t saying for manipulative purposes.
Thanks for sharing Debbie, I am so glad that you are enjoying the blog.
Hugs, Darlene
June 20th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
I think we had the same mother!! So much of our experiences are the same it blows my mind! I too came to the conclusion that it is not up to me to change her opinion of me. It is up to her. I learned that love without action to back it, is not love at all. I learned that you cannot make someone love you no matter how perfect you are.
You have no idea how happy I am to meet someone with similar mom experiences – who is willing to share and teach and inspire others. Your writing is a blessing to me.
I longed for years and years to have a connection with my mother, to have her accept me and love me as I was – but something about me repulsed her and her actions toward me always reflected that. I spent hours and hours and hours crying, trying to figure out what it is about me she hates so much! I don’t get it. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I will never know why she abused me the way she did, I will never know why she couldn’t love me or accept me. I have my theories, but they are just that – theories!
I can relate to so many – even the last one, Debbie – my husband and I got caught up in a church like that too many years ago. We came out of it hurt and angry. It was a wonky place too. We spend a year in God’s Word, studying and memorizing – we couldn’t get enough. We got ourselves well-grounded as to not be deceived again. it’s no fun being deceived, but be thankful that you realized it and how healing can take place. Just like my toxic relationship with my mother – so glad I recognized it for what it was when I did – especially when I would witness healthy mother-daughter relationships.
I really thought that when I had children of my own that I would finally understand why she treated me the way she did – but you know, when I had kids of my own, I became so incredibly confused. ‘How can you treat someone so terribly that you supposedly love?’ It baffled me, confused me. And then it made me extremely angry. I’ll tell you, anyone can say they love you, but do they actually show it, display it?? My mother would rarely say it, and yet she would treat me like she hated me. Actions speak louder than words – actions tells you what someone truly thinks or feels about you.
Anyway … enough rambling … I am just so tickled I found this site and meeting others who have endured the same things I have!! So great.
paulette
July 29th, 2010 at 10:30 am
My mother was best friends with the pastor (monsignor) who groomed and abused me many years ago. When those memories surfaced in my adult life and I shared them with her, she maintained her contact with her friend. She passed away before we could reconcile, and that experience has given me insight about the role of others in allowing or perpetuating child sexual abuse.
Now, I use that insight as a parent, teacher, and consultant. There is so much healing work to do as a result of our experiences as children for us to be different as parents. Congratulations to all who are doing this important work. It is time to break the cycles of abuse. Peace.
July 29th, 2010 at 11:01 am
Wow, No matter how many times I hear stories just like yours, it shocks me. My mother was unable to make me a priority either. It is so sad. I’m glad that you are using your insight for helping ohters. Together, we can and do make a difference.
Hugs, Darlene
September 7th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Thanks for sharing your life. I had a cobtrolling mother that until this date i feel she does not trust me. I have a daughter that tell me that a problem i make it mine when the issue is not about me. My daughter has stop talking to me and i am allow to see my granddaughter. I believe i am not even half of what my mother did. I am hurting for not having a relationshio with her but i will not force her like a previous comment love is verb action and sometimes we have to let go to understand, learnd, and appreciate other. I hope you young mother leard from our mistakes and have a great relationship with your children.
September 7th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Hi Patricia, welcome to Emerging from Broken
I learned much from my own mother, and I have a great relationship with my three teenage children. It was not always this good though, and it took much work, but I believe it is possible to repair what is broken; including myself and including my relationships with others when both parties are willing.
My mother tried to control me and our relationship until I said no more and I stuck to it. She believed it was her right to treat me like that, and she never trusted me either, but I believe today that is about her, not about me. It is very hard to have a relationship like this with ones own mother, I do understand.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with your daughter, that must hurt. Don’t lose hope though, I believe that there is always hope. Even with my own mom, but not on the terms that she has decided. Good luck to you and please share whenever you like.
Hugs, Darlene