Mother Daughter Relationship ~ False Definition of Love

I always tried so hard to earn my mother’s love. I always thought that if I just tried harder, maybe she would finally love me. Even after cutting off contact with her, I still wonder sometimes if I could have done more to earn her love. Your posts have been helping me to work though some of the pain of the past – that it wasn’t my fault, and that even if I did get her to admit what she did, it wouldn’t make me feel any better. I still miss the idea that someday I might have a mother that loves me. I probably always will.

Darlene, I could just say “ditto” to everything you said. I grew up longing for a connection with my mom. I wanted her to love me, to notice me, to delight in me. Finally, as an adult, I became useful to her and we finally had a relationship. I thought we were close because being used was all I knew about love. The sexual abuse by my dad taught me that. Even though we talked almost daily, I still felt hollow. She only paid attention to me as a means to her ends. When I stopped doing the things she approved of, she withdrew.

As I got healthier, I set some boundaries. Up till that point, I had never seen her rage. Wow, I was shocked by her response. I was prepared for separation if need, but I didn’t think it would come to that. Once I cut off ties, I felt free in a way I never had. It felt like I could finally breathe in fresh air. It was wonderful.

I think that great feeling lasted for about a year or so and then the pain hit. Really hit! I’m still dealing with the different levels of accepting the truth that I’ll never have a mother any more than I ever did. She doesn’t have it in her, so nothing I do can bribe her to give it to me. I’ve learned that she doesn’t have love to give to me, but I do. I’m in the process of learning to love myself. I feel love for myself, but I’m still improving on the practical ways of showing it.

I can totally relate, I have done several pseudo-separations from my mother trying to assert myself over the years, but typical of abusive family dynamics, cutting her off means cutting off everyone in the family because they all are enmeshed with her and dont see anything she has ever done as abuse, and she doesnt either….and I have known all my life that she didnt accept me and love me unconditionally and that I wouldnt ever meet her conditions for love, even at my best…so I have mourned her for years and mourned the fact that my mother will never love me for who I am…and finally this last time I was hospitalized was the last straw, because not only did she not support me emotionally, she actually called me insane and told me I was a horrible parent and didnt deserve to be a mother and I should give my children up for adoption (and this was about 5 minutes after I signed out of the psychiatric hospital) and then as a last ditch effort to try to get some sympathy or some kind of connection I disclosed a very small portion of my childhood sexual abuse in the hopes that that would bring out the “mother” in her….and I didnt even get an “im sorry that happened to you” or a hug. So that was the last straw for me, and its been extremely hard because I have no one but my husband in my “real” life that is there for me at all….well and my therapist, but she is paid to be there for me, she isnt a friend or a companion and doesnt “love” me. But Im learning to love me and value me and cutting off my mother is the first step in that process….its only been about a month…but I feel so much better already. Its hard as hell and I make sure every single day that my kids know that I love them no matter what and that nothing they can do or say or not do or say will ever change that. I am determined to be the mother I never had.

I sat here and cried as I read your story. I cried for the two little girls that you and I both were who didn’t feel loved by our mothers. I lied to myself as a child and would keep saying that I knew my mother loved me. I said the words over and over trying to convince myself that she did. In her own way, she probably did love me but it wasn’t the way that I needed her to love me. Our mothers couldn’t love us because they didn’t love themselves.

Christy,
I think one of the reasons that I write this blog is because so many people share that statement that it is nice to know we are not alone. There is so much disaproval in the world about standing up to a parent as though that is the worst thing a person can do. I always rememeber that the only way that any of us have hope for change is to do what is right. My co-author of this blog, Carla stood up for herself and her mother heard her. Her mother valued her enough to take a closer look at the relationship. If Carla had not taken that chance, her mother would not have taken a look at the situation. Her mother chose to change and together they worked on their relationship. I stood up for myself and my mother decided not to try. She decided that I was not worth it. She decided that she would rather live in the old system but she also lost me. However, what did I lose? I lost the opression, I lost the constant disaproval. I gained freedom and a new love and respect for myself. I learned to look at relationships in a whole new way, and to value my children as individuals. In the end, its pretty dang good!
Thanks so much for your comments!
Hugs, Darlene

Patricia,
Have I told you lately how much I appreciate your input!
You make such a huge point ~ “our mothers could not love us because they didn’t love themselves.” I feel so sad for my Mom. She has missed all this, she has lost her only daughter, all because she could not let go of her belief system, she could not let herself be vulnerable enough to love, and she could not let the light in enough to learn to love herself. I wish that she knew what I know about freedom, truth and wholeness.
Thanks for being here, thanks for being you and thanks for the work you do and for your lovely blog.
Darlene

Annie,
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story with us.
If anyone is interested in Annie’s book “Can you hear me now?” about her life as a child living with violence and abuse, I am including the link to the site.
Hugs, Darlene
http://www.ireadiwrite.com/Memoirs/

Darlene’s post was like reading my own story. I am near sixty and have just severed the relationship with my mother. I found that in breaking ties with my mother also involved breaking ties with the family.

My situation is somewhat peculiar and I am not sure what to do. I am a mother of four (in reality, five) children who are intelligent, educated, independent, and successful with their lives. When I was 15 a young man (never identified) forced himself on me sexually and the result was a pregnancy. I lived in denial for six months of that pregnancy and my family did not see it either.

My mother and my father who longed for more children and miscarried many times, after my sister and I (the oldest) were born, were determined to adopt my baby boy. They raised my son and have never told him that I am his mother. So, he believes that I am his older sister. It is a family secret that all the extended family (relatives) know about. Everyone knows… accept my son, who is now forty-three. My two youngest know the truth but the two oldest do not.

My parents have a dysfunctional relationshop and come from dysfunctional families. My father was dedicated to the Navy and absent much of the time. He was also an alcoholic but never drank in front of us because my mother would never allow it as her own father was quite abusive with alcohol, as well. Nevertheless, we suffered the consequences of his actions. He became sober when I was twenty-one.

To make this situation worse, I had a brief first marriage which resulted with a divorce when I was 3 months pregnant. I had no where to go accept home to mom and dad. They accepted me in which established tighter control over me and my second baby. When my second child was six, I remarried and have been married 31 years to a highly intelligent electrical engineer. He had never been married and accepted my second child and we have had a productive life together. We have overcome many issues together and have grown together in the midst of it all. We raised our family in the Christian faith which is another story all of its own but has contributed much to the issues we have.

Recently, I have had to sever relations with my son and his wife which began the severing of ties with the rest. They have a daughter (my grandchild) whom I adore. I became very close to them, finally, during the last eight years and was so privileged to be there for the birth of their daughter. I was there alone with them and was the first in the family to hold the infant and to help in the first few days of her life. Needless to say, there was a bonding. I always held them in high esteem and respect. My husband has been very good about this issue and respected the family wishes, although, he feels that my son should know the truth. I think so as well. We have done many things with my son and wife embracing them with love and gifts. I have longed to tell him but my extended family resists. My sister has done all she can to claim him and cause division between us.

Last August there was an altercation between my youngest daughter (who knows the secret)and the son in question. I should note that he also abuses alcohol. We do not. My husband was there as well and the scene took place in a restaurant. My daughter who just “came out” as a Lesbian (as if things are not difficult enough which upsets all the values we had in place) has been picked on by my sister (who always feels free to correct me and my children) and others. The situation was clearly my son’s fault as he had been drinking a lot that day and was being abusive to my daughter. She is only twenty and we are being very careful with her in her newfound life. But he ran with his story to the family. He did not like what my husband said to him about his actions. The situation was difficult for my husband as they were all traveling together to take my daughter to a different city for college. There were many attempts to reconcile the situation, on our part, and it did not help that my parents became involved by telling me that my husband and daughter are both liars and that I need psycological help. I got the impression that I was to choose between them and my own family. I chose my husband and daughter, of course.

My own chidren and husband have told me for years about how controlled I am by my family. To make this long story shorter, the end result of the last eight months, is that I have severed all ties with my extended family. And, they don’t care. But I still have this delimma concernig the “lie” perpetrated by my parents. They have never liked my husband or his children. We have always been treated like we are worthless but we live a good life as upper middle-class citizens.

I have never had professional counsel on this issue but I am considering it because of the grief I have. I want to do what is right. By nature, I am an appeasing, complacent person which has led to my own undoing many times over and leaves me wide open for abuse. I never knew how to properly set boundaries with anyone. I finally realized that I place everyone I know in the positon of authority and of higher over me. It has been a real struggle to realize my own self-worth and to recognize myself as an independent individual with a life of my own to live. My own children have seen this in me and encourage me to develop myself. I am open to any suggestions and insight that anyone might want to give me regarding my story.

Lenora, thank you for your opinions and thoughts regarding my situation for they are very helpful. I am very open and actively seeking resolution for my issues. I am going to pursue guidance because I am a firm believer that the truth sets you free. I will also look for the book.

Thank you.

What an excellent post. You could be describing my mother and I here. Same thing. The only difference is that some wind went out of my mother’s sails after my father passed away. When I finally did start setting boundaries, she did fight it, blame me, etc. But she finally realized she was getting nowhere and stopped. So I did not have to go completely no contact. We just have a very superficial relationship now in which we do not discuss anything of importance. We will never be close. She occasionally will still try to manipulate me in some way but I just ignore it and she doesn’t push it.

I think the need to be love is innate, we’re born with it. Then we get out in the world and see how others relate to their mothers and conjure up this fantasy of what we want. It is so painful to realize we are never going to get it, that we were never loved just because we are here. It is also liberating to accept that truth and let go of the fantasy, even if we do still feel sad sometimes.

Great post, thank you so much for sharing this!

Lenora, welcome and thank you for your compassionate comments to Debbie.

Splinterdones; I totally relate. Thanks for sharing.

Lisa,
You bring up such a huge point. This is exactly what can happen; we start to live out all our relationships the same way, getting involved with people we feel we have to prove our worth to. That is why I am such a big fan of sorting it all out, finding our own worth, taking ownership of our true value and breaking free of that whole system of being defined by our actions, and other peoples opinions of us. At the other end of that process is freedom, wholeness and living a full life. YAHOO LOL
hugs, Darlene

Cyndi,
I agree, I think we are born to love and be loved… and it very healing/liberating to let go of that fantasy!
Thanks for stopping by! (I encourage other readers here to click on Cyndi’s name and visit her excellent blog too. )
Hugs, Darlene

I think we had the same mother!! So much of our experiences are the same it blows my mind! I too came to the conclusion that it is not up to me to change her opinion of me. It is up to her. I learned that love without action to back it, is not love at all. I learned that you cannot make someone love you no matter how perfect you are.

You have no idea how happy I am to meet someone with similar mom experiences – who is willing to share and teach and inspire others. Your writing is a blessing to me.

I longed for years and years to have a connection with my mother, to have her accept me and love me as I was – but something about me repulsed her and her actions toward me always reflected that. I spent hours and hours and hours crying, trying to figure out what it is about me she hates so much! I don’t get it. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I will never know why she abused me the way she did, I will never know why she couldn’t love me or accept me. I have my theories, but they are just that – theories!

I can relate to so many – even the last one, Debbie – my husband and I got caught up in a church like that too many years ago. We came out of it hurt and angry. It was a wonky place too. We spend a year in God’s Word, studying and memorizing – we couldn’t get enough. We got ourselves well-grounded as to not be deceived again. it’s no fun being deceived, but be thankful that you realized it and how healing can take place. Just like my toxic relationship with my mother – so glad I recognized it for what it was when I did – especially when I would witness healthy mother-daughter relationships.

I really thought that when I had children of my own that I would finally understand why she treated me the way she did – but you know, when I had kids of my own, I became so incredibly confused. ‘How can you treat someone so terribly that you supposedly love?’ It baffled me, confused me. And then it made me extremely angry. I’ll tell you, anyone can say they love you, but do they actually show it, display it?? My mother would rarely say it, and yet she would treat me like she hated me. Actions speak louder than words – actions tells you what someone truly thinks or feels about you.

Anyway … enough rambling … I am just so tickled I found this site and meeting others who have endured the same things I have!! So great.

paulette

Wow, No matter how many times I hear stories just like yours, it shocks me. My mother was unable to make me a priority either. It is so sad. I’m glad that you are using your insight for helping ohters. Together, we can and do make a difference.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Patricia, welcome to Emerging from Broken
I learned much from my own mother, and I have a great relationship with my three teenage children. It was not always this good though, and it took much work, but I believe it is possible to repair what is broken; including myself and including my relationships with others when both parties are willing.
My mother tried to control me and our relationship until I said no more and I stuck to it. She believed it was her right to treat me like that, and she never trusted me either, but I believe today that is about her, not about me. It is very hard to have a relationship like this with ones own mother, I do understand.

I am so sorry that you are struggling with your daughter, that must hurt. Don’t lose hope though, I believe that there is always hope. Even with my own mom, but not on the terms that she has decided. Good luck to you and please share whenever you like.

Hugs, Darlene

Hi Missn,
Welcome and thank you for sharing your path with us. In order for me to contribute to the world I had to set boundries with my mother, and with all other people who devalued me. The thing about human relationships is that two people must made individual decisions and that makes it hard when there is tension and disagreement. According to my mother, I am always wrong. This can’t actually be the truth so I made decisions on what was best for me for the first time in my life. I have not been sorry. I have never felt or lived closer to God. It is, as you say, very hard to work it all out and finding that balance.
Thank you for being here,
Hugs, Darlene

MissN
Absolutly, it was critical that I learned to take care of me. I even had to put God aside for a time, because in my case there was spiritual abuse also, and I needed to clear that slate too, and begin again. I never felt that God minded that I put him aside, but felt that He knew my heart and He knew the damage and that this way was the only way that I could ever come back to him. In learning how to take care of me, I learned how to take care of others ~ in a new way ~ for the first time in my life. I learned how to love myself, and then I could love others. I had to understand my own value first. I had to understand what happened to me, and that it was not my fault, and that I was precious and loveable ~ just like every other human being. I had to find that in order to move forward, and I learned to care about much more than I ever expected to. =)
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Missn
The love does have to come from within. I had such a lot of sorting out to do. As a child I knew that my parents were my life source. Without them I could not survive. The job of a HEALTHY parent is to equip a child to survive without the parent. In dysfunctional homes, the parent for whatever reason, does not equip the child for independance. (there are MANY reasons for this, none of them love based) What I discovered is that I carried that childhood belief with me into adulthood. That I still needed my parents in order to survive. Knowing that isn’t true set me free in so many ways. I am also free to love them without any approval now. I do not allow my mother to devalue me anymore however, so if that means no contact, then that is fine with me too. Whatever it takes for me to be whole, happy and free from the opression that kept me so sick in the past. Learning that I can love myself and take care of myself has been a very important part of my healing process.
Thanks for being here!
Hugs, Darlene

Sorry, the computer timed out when I wasn’t quite finished. That last line should read that I didn’t become a particularly nice person which is what I try to work on now. I have real fears about being a codependent which is a type of codependence and I wonder if it stems from that relationship. It is one I try to work on now. I once had a councillor who told me to stay away from my parent because of the information I gave her, but I think the answer is not to stay away, but to have a better relationship with the self. So that we can be proud of who we are. Now, I understand what you are saying about the God thing, there has not been religious or spiritual abuse in my case, but I also know that I struggle with that relationship. I have been to AA and Alan but they don’t apply because I do not have a substance abuse problem but often wonder if it would be better to have an Adult Child group just to learn how to grow into independence. I need to add that I have a father, too, so this focus on one parent baffles me, especially since it was my father who was so good to me when I was young, in that he was the one who cared My mother was too dependent on him and didn’t care, in fact, took much of her wrath out on me. I have no bad feelings about this but there is this wierd switch. In writing all this and seeing it down on paper, I am wondering whether, in fact, anything really changed. Maybe I just thought it did but in actual fact, she still didn’t like me which would be okay if I liked myself. These are the pieces of the puzzle I try to work out in my mind. P.S. I am from southern Alberta too.

I also don’t like the word Adult Child group, maybe growing into healthy independence or healing the past group would be better. Take care.

It is with some trepidation that I write parts of this in that looking at your facebook piece, I noticed you wrote something about staying away from men who are jealous, possessive and controlling. I was one of those and yes, in trying to understand, I now understand that I was not well at the time. It has been one of the frustrations of trying to work this through that many times people will come down on others who were like that, but I did not know I was not well. It was all twisted up in my mind. That is A. B is how does a person get to be that way? No esteem, no esteem at all. No self awareness, no sense of self….no idea of how to be well, which is really getting to know who you are. Anyway, that was a long, long time ago and now I work on getting whole.
In the relationship with my mother, somehow I think I was under the illusion that I had to be “special” in very unhealthy ways which is why I try to work on the spiritual thing….learning a new way to be, about what does count, what does matter, so I spend a lot of time reading about values, and what it takes to be a “healthy,” like a person that others like and that you like too. Not superior, not inferior…but whole and well. I guess it is about learning how to love yourself so that you are truly able to love others. It is absolutely true that if you don’t love yourself, you are unable to love others, but the love does not come from the externals, it comes from loving yourself because you are a good person and you know that by the feed back you get from others.
Somehow, too much emphasis got placed on appearances and accomplishments which is something, I think, that happened in my own mind. It is not something the relationship with my mother caused but was the result of it. Bless her heart, but my Mom can have a few things going on with her, in her own personality but what matters is for me not to have things going on with me (i.e. being malicious, gossipy, unkind, that kind of stuff.) Like learning how to love. So I try to focus on things of the world and what counts, and acts of human kindness and decency that I can learn from.
One of the things that dawned on me after you wrote was that one of he reasons I am in such unhealthy conditions is because I did the geographic thing…..I moved and have stayed a long, long way from my Mom thinking that would help, but it hasn’t because the “break” has to happen on an emotional level…..you know? I am me…who ever that is. In no way does it involve staying away from her because she is my mother, but to have a strong enough sense of self that I am able to see her and not get lost. Somehow I also really try to tie the whole spiritual thing into it because I really do want to know God again and I agree with you, it doesn’t necessarily happen by going to church or religion but you have to go somewhere to figure some of those things out.
I don’t know how old your mother is, mine is 80, so she really is a tiny, little elderly lady and like you, more than anything, I want to get back to that place where I feel good enough about myself and have enough of an understanding about myself and where she came from that I can say, My poor Mom….but that can only happen when we feel good about ourselves and the people we are. Do you know what I mean? Selfishness has been one of the character traits that I have had to work on and continue to work with…the art of learning to be selfish enough to take care of yourself but not so selfish that you hurt someone else.
Anyway, this writing helped me to understand that I had been doing the geographic thing instead of anything practical or realistic with my life because of this desperate attempt to be independent…..but we need to be emotionally independent first. Doesn’t mean we have to have bad feelings about the other person, only that we have some idea of who we are.
Thank you for letting me talk about this issue. It has been pretty messed up. Take care.

Missn
I think something that really helped me (looking back) is that I kept trying to “do” something different and when I changed it wasn’t about doing something different or being someone different, it was an actual becoming who I really am. In order to do that I had to stop concentrating on “being a good person”. That might sound funny, but that is how it really worked. Self love came from the work of looking at how I came to “not love” myself. How did I get to that point? I looked at abusive situations, emotional and psychological, physical and sexually abusive situations ~ the trauma that had taken place in my life, and I looked at how it effected me emotionally and how I adjusted to that in order to cope. I stopped trying to change and looked at the whole root of it, the why of it. THAT is where I found the answers. What I changed was the false belief system that I had accepted about myself and my value.
I do understand what you are talking about here. I think that it will all become more clear in time. You are working it out quite honestly.
and there are lots of other posts in this blog about how I found my truth.
Hugs, Darlene

I should add that one time I asked my Mom, bless her heart, for advice on a job and her answer was “get the best job you can.” I understand it was because she was coming from her own fear base and probably wasn’t relevant to my situation, so I understand that. She was trying to help, but just from her own base. Likewise, I also asked her once about a relationship I was leaving (Big big mistake and not her fault) and again she answered from her own fear based. I feel that growing into personhood is about coming to terms with yourself, that core base is about coming to terms with your own integrity, your own honesty, so while the advice others give may be said to be helpful, it is something we all have to work out ourselves. That is where I am also disappointed in her, that the value of respect for others, getting along with others, human relationships were not emphasized when in fact, they can be the most important thing. It makes me so sad but maybe that is the lesson we need to learn. Take care.

MissN
Yes it is hard but not impossible. I just had to believe that because in a way, that is what kept me going. Now I am here to say that it really worked.
I am really loving what you are sharing Miss N.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi MissN
Yes. For me the bottom line has been about taking my life back and in order to do that I had to find self love and self acceptance. In order to do that I had to go backwards and look at exactly what had happened to me and what it taught me about myself. Then re-parenting, re-teaching concpets that I had all wrong. Today I am free and living a full life. I understand that love is not about giving myself up.
Thanks for your post!
Hugs, Darlene

Beautifully written and expressed. It is what I felt and dealt with my whole life, until I ‘let go’ AND realized it was her, not me. And yes, all this insight came after having children of my own. I kept saying to myself as my children reached different ages….”How could she have done that to me?” while looking at my kids. I wept over the painful memories, then got angry, shared it with a therapist….and calmness would return to me. I no longer cry. It is in the past, and change is not possible because I can not go back in time and make it different. I remind myself to NOT do this to my children and make great efforts to not repeat her behavior. I mildly care about her, but I do not love her. How can I love a person that was not loving to me….that would be the definition of stupidity. I find love and caring in my sisters, and close friends. I accept that this was and is my life and have finally found peace. I wish all of you that same sense of peace. It makes life better. And I know, really know….it was her…not me, the kid…that failed in the relationship. Parents are suppose to love and care for their children, and if they don’t, it is their failure. Children deserve to be loved if an adult brings them into the world. I was not a failure as a child, it was the reverse, she was a failure as a parent. Peace.

Hello Darlene,
Again, well written. I buried the pain when I was a child, then became angry 17 to 24 year old, then distanced myself more and more until I had children at 36 and 40. I would briefly see my mother, while visiting my sisters in the summer. Then one day, at my sisters house, I overheard my mother say to a total stranger in the yard for a yard sale, “What happened, did you get stuck with her?” The stranger grabbed her grandaughter, and told my mother, “I love spending time with my granddaughter.” My four year old daughter overheard the whole thing, as well as the strangers grandaughter. I intervened and said something nice to the woman,about how wonderful little girls were at this age, asked about her grandchild…small talk….and then I left. I never let my mother near my children without my presence. She was not to be trusted with their hearts and minds. She would never get a chance to be “stuck” with her wonderful grandchildren….honestly, I think it is sad that my sister got stuck with my mother! God has a sense of humor.

Darlene, it was a very small pivital point, a ah ha moment after a lifetime of abuse towards me. Two more things, and I will stop. I have an unusal memory. I remember conversations I had in Kindergarden, and times when I was small enough to fit in a stove drawer (2yrs old). I remember very clearly other pivital points throughout my life. Looking back, into my childhood I survived by telling myself that I was loved by my father. I was his favorite, because he told my mother, when I was born, that I was the prettiest baby in the family. It was the tiny thread that allowed me to feel good about myself. That was a bit of information that I used to survive, until the day my father asked my mother in front of me, “Why did you have so many children?” pointing at me and my sister. At the time I felt ashamed. I was not loved, or wanted. My existance was questioned. I tried to forget thoes damning words, bury them, march on. That was a moment that defined me until I really grew up and began to separate myself from them. As an adult, if my dead father did that to me today, I would respond with, “Why did I get you and mom for parents?”….two way street, baby!

Lilith,
Thank you so much for sharing. I would love it if my mother was open to healing from our relationship issues. I wanted to work it out with her, but she refused to talk about it. So many mother do not offer any chance as it sounds like you are doing. There are a few others here that are on both sides of the coin.
This blog is about emotional healing, and the parent difficulty stuff just happens to come up quite a bit. BUT there are mothers and daughters who really get to the bottom of the pain and heal. I do not condem my mother at all. There is no healing until the roots of the issues are brought to light. In the end I understand my mother and wish her emotional healing also, but she won’t speak to me.
My mother says similar things about me, that you have posted here about your daughter. That I have rejected her. The point is not who is at fault here, the point is in valueing her feelings as much as you would like to have your feelings valued. For my own mother, it is too painful for her to listen to me. She has never listened to me and I finally stood up to it. Most daughters do not want to lose a mother but want more then anything to have relationship with their mothers. But it has to be two sided. I know that if my mother faced her own pain, that things might be better between us.
Thank you for sharing, I hope things work out for you.

Hi Candis,
Welcome to EFB,
Thank you for sharing and for being here. The guilt is part of the belief system that was set in place by those that use guilt to control. It goes away as long as we keep realizing that we deserved more then they could or would give. The main thing is that you are healing!
Hugs, Darlene

Thanks to all of you for posting on here. It is a difficult job being a mother and today, I have finally decided to give up on my daughter after 30 years of patience.

It’s one thing to bring a child into the world.

And quite another to have enough.

WELL THIS WEEKEND I TRIED LIKE A FOOL TO AT LEAST SALVAGE SOME SORT OF RELATIONSHIP. WHEN I CALLED I WAS BERATED AND VERBALLY ABUSED. I LET HER SCREAM BUT HONESTLY JUST SPOKE TO HER IN A CONTROLLED MONITONE VOICE AS I HAVE RECENTLY HAD A DIFIBULATOR AND PACE MAKER IMPLANTED IN APRIL AND QUITE HONESTLY DON’T NEED THE DRAMA. I MENTIONED TO HER THAT 2 DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL (I WAS PARYLIZED DUE TO LACK OF POTASIUM MY SUGAR WAS 1837 WHICH THEY SAID BROKE ANY RECORDS THEY KNEW OF ANDSUVIVED) THEY TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT HAD HE LEFT AND WENT TO WORK I WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE WHEN HE CAME HOME (I REALLY AM NOT TRYING TO BE OVERLY DRAMATIC) BUT THE POINT IS MY MOTHER NEVER CAME TO SEE ME ALTHOUGH SEVERAL FAMILY MEMBERS OFFERED TO GO AND GET HER (SHE LIVES 45 MIN AWAY) AND HER REPLY TO ME WAS ‘IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, YOU’RE THE QUEEN LET ME GET MY LITTLE VIOLIN!” I WAS SHOCKED THEN I TOLD HER I THOUGHT IT BEST TO RETURN THE CHECK SHE HAD SENT ME (FOR MY BIIRTHDAY AND BELIEVE ME WE COULD HAVE USED IT AS I HAD MISSSED SEVERAL MONTHS OF WORK) BECAUSE IF I AM SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON I DON’T FEEL AS THOUGH I SSHOULD KEEP IT SHE THEN ACCUSED ME OF BEING CHILDISH AND SAID EVEN WHEN I WAS FIGHTING WITH MY MOTHER (SHE HATED HER MOTHER ) I STILL SENT GIFTS AND CARDS AND PROCEEDED TO TELL ME SHE HAD NOTIFIED ALL OF HER DOCTORS I WAS NOT TO BE INFORMED OF ANY ILLNESS AND IF SHE DIED I WAS TO STAY AWAY AS SHE HATES “FAKENESS” I THEN ASKED HER IF SHE HATES FAKENESS AS SHE PUTS IT AND IF I’M SUCH A ROTTEN DAUGHTER THEN WHY WOULD SHE WANT THE “FAKENESS” OF CARDS AND GIFTS SHE THEN SCREAMED MORE HURTFUL THINGS AT ME AND HUNG UP. THEN SHE CALLED BACK TO ASK IF I HAD HEARD ABOUT A COUSINS ILLNESS WHICH I HAD AND SAID OK I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED . ALTHOUGH WHEN SHE HUNG UP SHE OMITTED THE USUAL OVER KILL OF I LOVE YOU’S. I PUT THE CHECK IN THE MAIL TO HER THIS MORNING WITH A NOTE THANKING HER FOR THE CARD. THIS IS DIFFICULT BUT I THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR THIS BLOG I AM TECHNICALLY CHALLENGED SO I APPOLOGIZE FOR ANY MISTAKES I MAKE IN MY COMMUNICATION. I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS MY HEART BREAKS TO KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY OF YOU OUT THERE GOING THRU WHAT I DO BUT AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE AN OUTLET AND TO KNOW I’M NOT ALONE. CAUSE WWHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE (WHICH I TELL VERY LITTLE) THAT YOU’RE NOT SPEAKING TO YOUR MOM THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU HAVE 2 HEADS AND YOU CAN SEE THE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING IN THEIR FACES BUT IF YOU EXPLAIN FURTHER IT’S ON LY WORSE, SO THANKYOU FOR THE HUGS AND THE GOOD THOUGHTS AND MAY WE ALL FIND PEACE IN THIS MESS!

GOOD MORNING DARLENE , I WAS NAVIGATING THIS SITE FURTHER AND READ HOW YOUR MOTHER REACTED WHEN YOU TOLD HER YOU WERE GOING TO WRITE A BOOK, IT STRUCK A CHORD WITH ME BECAUSE WHEN I TOLD MY MOTHER I WAS GOING TO SEEK THERAPY SHE FREAKED OUT TURNS OUT SHE WAS WORRIED WHAT I WOULD SAY ABOUT HER AND IRONICALLY I NEVER DID IT BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED WHAT THEY WOULD SAY ABOUT HER. I FEARED THEY WOULD TELL ME TO GET RID OF THE POISON AND I KNEW WHAT THAT WOULD MEAN AND NOW HERE I AM. ANYWAY WISHING YOU AND ALL YOUR FELLOW BLOGGERS A BEAUTIFUL DAY. REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELVES SO YOU CAN BE HEALTHY IN YOU LOVE FOR OTHERS! AND THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR SUPPORT TO ALL OF US WHO SO DESPERATELY NEED IT! HUGS TO ALL OF US!

Mother and Daughter relationships are so complex, it is often difficult to put into words what is so troubling..either for you or your mother. You certainly have summed up my relationship with my own mother. It’s all a very long story…and the interaction between love and obligations are critical in my situation. Thank you for taking the time to share. You have done an old heart a world of good.

WOW your insight is profound. IT IS NOT OKAY to let anyone abuse you. AND it is natural and OKAY to grieve the loss of something you do not and never will have. I have been a “victim” of my MIL for 20 years but NO MORE… here’s another article / post that wakes me up and I realize I am ENTITLED to feel happy. I am entitled NOT to be abused nor tolerate it at any and all costs! That I can be a good person and still refuse any communication with my MIL and the extended sick family. THAT my role … that was decided by the MIL upon my marrying my husband is NOT a role I NEED to accept. I am not their victim. I am NOT their ‘thing’ to kick when they’re feeling crappy. I am a woman with children and a husband with needs and desire for happiness and love. Not to be someone’s scapegoat because they refuse to face themselves and their demons and the fact that they are abusive harmful sick humans.

Thank you for this. Thank you Thank you. I walk away feeling more empowered and peace-filled <3

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Don’t allow it…..and it stops.

It is a very simple, but difficult formula to enact. What I did not allow my mother to do to me, later in life….I did allow my MIL to do, for many years. When I stopped ignoring her bad behavior, and took the reins…..it stopped, too. I try not to interact with people that treat me poorly. Life really is too short to be in a constanted place of bother. When my MIL would not stop harassing me, blaming me for her sons decisions….I stopped answering the phone. My husband would answer, and she never confronted him on his decisions. She always blamed me….always. I took myself out of the equation. When she could not get to me….she would attack me at family gatherings, in quiet ways…underhanded, really. So, I looked at my husband, one Christmas day, and said, “I am going to let your mother have it, in two seconds, if we don’t leave.” He grabbed the gifts, called for the kids, told his ‘old’ family we had to leave….NOW….and we left. The men in the family did not know what had happened…just my MIL and SIL who ganged up on me at any chance….always ruining the holidays for me. This was the last crappy holiday I ever had to have with my husbands side of the family. I should have put my foot down sooner. And, my husband should have taken my side, sooner and told my MIL to back off, these decisions he made, were his alone, blame him, have words with him if she did not like his decisions. He hid behind me, avoiding his mother, like a child.

Hi Missn
Have you read any of the other blog posts on this website? There are many that might help you get some insight into this issue you speak of. The process takes time and I try to write in a way that exposes the truth that was hiding under the lies that were living in me. The approval seeking in my case was about survival. The only way that was safe for me. I took at look at what “safe” really was and changed the way that I thougth about it.
Hugs, Darlene

Oh my gosh…your story is my story. Over the years, especially upon reaching adulthood, I have been trying to break away from the painful relationship with my mother. My mother who loves conditionally, and loves best those children of hers that do as she says. Unfortunately, my two surviving siblings have based their lives around gaining her approval, leaving me to be defined as the “troublemaker” because I have been trying to find my own voice. My youngest brother became an alcoholic trying to handle the stress of our family and has since passed. Thankfully, I have the love and support of my husband on this journey of finding myself. But with that there has been trouble for my immediate family over the years. My mother has tried to inject herself into our lives time and time again, becoming homeless (not due to finances, but due to house hunting) and when we brought her into our home to offer assistance, she became angry when she couldn’t run the show at our house. She became dramatic and angry and left screaming, tearing out of our home, telling my son (at age 16) that he was evil and not talking to him since (he is now 23). Over the years I have bought a house for my mother and put her up in my own, each time it not being good enough for her, and each time she moved on. Recently, my sister bought her a home and my mother will soon leave that home due to dissatisfication, moving out West to go live in my sister’s cabin. My mother seems to put herself in positions where she needs to be saved. Where things for her become dire-and what child would turn their head when life is dire for a parent? Only a bad one. So we are guilted into helping her and when we do, she turns the tables and gets ugly, saying it isn’t enough, trying to control our lives. She controls in many, many ways… and these problems of my mother’s tends to extend beyond our family as well because my mother has trouble making and keeping friends, essentially rejecting anyone that crosses her in the slightest way. Just recently I asked her why she cropped my son (who was 2 at the time) out of a family picture she posted on Facebook and she told me I was creating drama. It really hurt me to see that my beautiful baby was cropped out of a picture and I told her it made me sad, hoping she would just say she was sorry, or didn’t mean to hurt me. I mean what grandma crops an innocent baby out of a family picture? Enough! I don’t know. This recent situation over the picture, while small in nature I suppose, is the straw that has broken the camel’s back and is what has told me I am done. I just can’t go on trying to get approval from someone who will never be satisfied. My mother has hated my son for 7 years and I haven’t really called her out on that. But now I am done. The problem I am having is figuring out how to walk away from my mother, and having to accept that she will never be the mother I have always dreamed of. I feel like I am in mourning…grieving for the mother I want but can’t have. I need to leave to preserve myself as well as the lives of my family. I haven’t talked to my mother for 3 weeks but I know she will call soon enough because she can’t go long without needing to control someone again. I don’t want to make this into a fight that takes up lots of energy. I just want to walk away peacefully. Any suggestions?

Thanks for you insights Darlene. I appreciate your words and will take a look around your website some more and see what else pertains to my situation. I think the boundaries part you mentioned in your response is important. I have not done a good job of holding my ground, continually sucked in by my desire to have my mother love me. Funny thing is, up to this point, I have felt that my mother has always loved me but this morning, I realized she really doesn’t FULLY love me, only those parts of me she agrees with. To love someone means you love ALL of them. Thanks again for you help!

Hi Chris,
Yes, this is exactly what goes on some times. I was a victim of such tactics too, and then also a victim of my father. It is very sad.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Missn
I can only suggest that you read the other posts and comments in the mother daughter and family categories for some insight into this. This is a really complicated thing and I can’t answer specific questions like this just here on the blog.
Hugs, Darlene

Chris;
I have no idea if daughter will ever see what is going on. I do not diagnose so I can’t tell you what she might be and I am sorry but I also don’t know what you can do for your husband. This site is about personal healing from abuse and other struggles not so much about what we can do for someone else so I can’t offer any answers to these questions.
Hugs, Darlene

To everyone. My mother is 88 this year. Her memory is spotty at best. I still remember. I am resolved to the history I have had with my mother. I do not dwell on it, like I did in the past. There is no going back in time, only forward, in the limited time I give her. She is kinder with me, so I am with her. I believe in God. I believe that God has given her a long life so I can come to some peace about our relationship. This is what I believe. Peace and healing be with you this holiday season. Forgiveness only helps if you are mindful and carry a watchful eye to your own contentment and safety. Surround yourself with loving people and friends to make the hole in your heart….less. It helps. Really…be kind to yourself, first… strength to deal with your troubled relationship follows taking care of yourself…first. This worked for me.

Hello Cindy…I have been trying to work out the relationship with my mother for many many years and one of the reasons I liked your response was because you did talk about your relationship with God. I figure that things got mixed up with me because I put dependence on my mother ahead of the relationship with God which lead to problems with abandonment, obsession and addiction. I am back seeing her again for the first time in two years and really trying to find a path. Sometimes I think I end up in the “husband” role, caretaking role, worried about everyone except myself, it is very confusing. I pray everyday for direction and amm constantly trying to figure out what I am expected to learn from this situation. I know that God brought us here for a reason and my job is to figure that out. My relationship with my mother, through no fault of her own, has cost alot since I consulted her about all my major decisions in life instead of practing the behaviors that connect us with God. What does God want me to do in this situation. I find that is the one I have to ask

Darlene,

I don’t think I’d read this post before. The last two paragraphs especially gave me a lift. Here’s hoping I (and everyone else here who needs to) can get to the stage of feeling the oppression lifting!!!

Thanks again so much for sharing!

J

Hi Cindy, Darlene…as I try to figure what this dysfunction is in the relationship, I try to remember that we have to put God first. I do not know whether this has been dependent or codependent but because of the nature of approval-seeking, I find I have spent a better part of my life either running from it or too it. But the answer, from different 12-step groups I have participated in is to walk with the Creator, God, all the time. So, for example, this time, I travelled a very long way to visit and the visit is becoming testy again but that is because there is some part of me that feels responsible for all the difficulties the other person is in, so detachment has to come into play. We can empathize, but in the end, we all have the opportunity to be responsible for our own lives and live up to the expectation of some power greater than ourselves, which is not a parent…and if it is, we are in big trouble. I think this has been a huge source of confusion which I have trying to work through. God is God, there is a big difference.

Darlene, like I said…free will is all part of everything. We have choices to make to put our lives on the path of healing. The Bible says honor (not be a doormat) your parents,…..but I could not do that for many years, too, in order to straighten everything out for myself. I came full circle in the end, to some degree. Some call it luck, some call it devine intervention. This year, I finally was given an apology by my 88 year old mother. The year my father was dying, he finally said he was sorry for the destruction he reap on our family. I was happy to hear him say the words, but sad that it took him a whole liftime to utter them. There was no more time to rebuild a relationship. I might have some time with my mother, now. I swore I would NEVER wait that long to apologize to my children if I have wronged them.

Hey again. I believe God has been by my side, my whole life, and answered prayer in all kinds of way. A friend of mine once said God is not answering her prayers. I told her….”God puts people in your path sometimes to help answer your prayers….and God told me to tell you that you are screwing up your life by focusing on….blah blah blad….” She laughed…but saw the light. The people in her path have helped her so much these last two years and she did not see that as an answer! Wake up dear friend. Anyway, my prayer to hear my father utter, “I am sorry.” was long coming, since I had not asked God for the apology until the day before my father, who had had a stroke, so could not dial the phone, made my brother call me and said the words. I was stunned how fast prayer was answered. I had not gone to God before with the request….ever….just a general “help me”. So forming the question is half the battle and knowing what you need is the realization that has to be reached. Hope this makes sense. Be kind to yourself first, the rest will follow. I forget this mantra, often. When I do follow my own advice, life gets better. Unlearning old patterns of operation is difficult, but doable. Kinda like dieting! This is what I know and believe after 56 years.

Dear Laurie;
I cannot believe how many of us have been affected by the female head of the households and the impact that has had on us. I also cannot believe how many of us have tried to turn to something greater than us to find relief from this problem. I feel for all of those who are trying to work this trhough and am glad there is support.

I don’t know about checking out Jesus, but I do know that it is important for me to take control of my life and not let someone else do that. I try to remember that I am here for some kind of higher good. I have been amazed at how I have reverted back to a more child-like state since staying with my elderly parent for the past few weeks and that is not right.

This is an issue that many of us suffer from. I do as well. i tried to love her and my grandmother but they were so mean to me. one day i decided not to be their dumping ground nor obligated to be their dumping ground. so for 2 years i didn’t come around them and they changed the way they treated me but for all purposes i had changed who i was and they no longer are able to make me feel like less than a person. but now their is a double-edge sword to it all, i can t go to them when i feel i need them. my daughter on the otherhand treats me with the same kind of obligation to her but gives me none back. i want to let her leave my life but it is hard because she is my only daughter out of 4 but the reality is she doesn’t appreciate me i’m like a comfortable hat she puts on when she doesn’t want to mess up her hair and throw it on the floor until she needs it again. i wish she cared about our relationship like i do but my desires come from not having a good one with my mother and grandmother. i guess it’s just me that wants one with her and not her with me and i guess i will have to accept that…..it is killing me but i guess all relationships come to an end one day

I actually cried when I read this, not just because I could relate but because it had never occured to me that SO many women have endured the same toxic relationship with their mothers that I have. For SO many years I’ve felt alone with my anguish over my mother and how becoming a parent myself forced me to put distance between my mother and I. When I met my husband he had this expression that made perfect sense to me. “Some people become parents BECAUSE of their parents…bc they want to raise kids just as their parents did…bc they loved their childhoods THAT much…and then some people become parents IN SPITE of their parents”. My husband was one of the first people…I am one of the second kind.
I grew up thinking I had this great relationship with all my extended family; aunts uncle etc…but looking back this last year or so I find myself growing more angry that everyone SAW and KNEW the type of person my mother was and did nothing for me. I’ve tried letting that go, but now that I’ve had enough and have started putting MY children first and have kepy my kids from my mother, those people I used to think I was SO close to have turned their back on me and think I’m full of all this hate.
And I know you ladies know, it’s NOT hate…it has nothing to do with HATE. I love my mother…more than she ever loved me, more love than she could ever understand, but I choose to love ME first…I choose to love my husband and my children next, and that means refusing to let her toxic nature influence my children and poison their minds like mine was for so many years.
Thank you Darlene…you give me hope and I now have a comfort in knowing I’m not alone afterall!

Hi Meghann
Thank you so much for sharing this. There is something certainly strange about the ways family doesn’t do anything about this stuff and even pretends not to see it. I think it is really amazing that you decided to distance your children from letting her “toxic nature” influence them. I love that! I feel that way about my kids when it comes to my mother also.
Hugs, Darlene

I too have a mother who is abusive. I read so much of me in your story. I have have a sister and brother who are both married and living well with their spouses. I have never been married and have no children. My mother told me once I would make a horrible mother and that she never wanted me and wished I have never been born.

When I tried to tell her my dreams of being an author, I actually wrote a book and I am now waiting to get it published because I am out of work and have no income. I am unable to receive anymore unemployment.

My mother could afford to help me publish my book, but she does not want to see me succeed at anything.

I also want to take fencing and she said that was stupid. I no longerer talk to my brother and sister because of her, divide and conquer.

I am usually by myself because I am afraid to get close to people because I know that she has warped my thinking on relationships.

Last week she got upset with me and so to punish me, she has not called me in about 7 days. I am actually feeling better, more calm. I would really like to have friends, I am just not sure how to get started.

My mother also told me if I ever got married it would not last a year because of my personality. I now spend every holiday alone, which I would like to change, but at least she is not putting me down if I am not within hearing distance.

I wish I knew how to change her heart. I know it’s not me, but I would like to have a support group, I just don’t know where to get started.

I will also be glad when my book is published, it will mean that I have some income coming in to support me, and that will give me back some of my self esteem that I have lost over the past few years.

OMG….I just came across this blog! This so for me! I grew up knowing my mother disliked me….I’ve always known.Never could I do anything to please her! Believe me I tried so hard! Luckily I had others in my life who did love me…..including my father! I too have people who tell me now@ darn near 60 they so hurt for mr as a child. But, at that time….you minded your own business….never interfered! I vowed to do better for my children. I find that I overcompensate and I know it. The best thing I did was rid myself of is toxic person about ten years ago! Now she cries to everyone that she does not understand why I hate her…..I don’t hate her…..I just want her to stay out of my life . I have tried repeatedly to reconcile …..it is impossible to reconcile with someone who never has done anything wrong! I have even apologized form being born…..I still am an awful person! Well, guess what..I am not an awful person! Thank god I have a wonderful husband great children and grandchildren! I am comforted when someone tells me how they hated the way she treated me…..it validates me….that she did treat me awful! Recently my cousins told me stories of things my mom would do to me…..none of which I even remembered ! There is no fixing this. I do hurt so bad for the mother I wish I had…..but, it’s never to be! I know there are so many people in the same situation I am…it is so sad isn’t it?