Comments on: Mental Health Recovery ~ Ten Necessary Changes

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 15:27:50 +0000

Hi “I garden too”.
Something that surprised me is when I looked up the government definitions of child abuse (in the USA and Canada) and it is amazing what the definitions of abuse and neglect are.
Looking at the “motives” was where I finally found the truth about the difference between one relationship and another. I was accused of being the controller a few times, but when looking at my motive vs. the other persons motives, it became very clear who the controller / manipulator was.
Don’t worry about monopolizing this thread. This article is almost 2 years old now so not very active anymore. There are some conversations about this stuff going on in the more recent articles here if you would like to join us there.
Hugs, Darlene

By: I garden too

I garden too — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 05:05:09 +0000

I don’t want to monopolize this thread, but I really appreciate this and think I understand it too. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the word “abuse” in my situation, but I did grow up with “worm theology”, fear of displeasing God, a dysfunctional and critical family system, and hyper-responsibility for everything. I’m sure I had a consequent sense of worthiness of everyone in the world except myself – although I don’t think I even realized that until recently. All of that certainly affected my life direction – a vocation that many would consider to be self-sacrificial etc. Ahhhh, it’s too long to tell here, but it seems to me that one person’s outward life can look much the same as someone else’s … but that the motivations and sense of an alive self at the core can be very, very different. Family systems are the same. They can look so good on the outside yet feel so suffocating from the inside. “Control, guilt and shame” – with the Bible wrapped around it. I guess maybe that IS abuse?? At any rate, it’s confusing. Very confusing in its subtlety and because it CAN look so good on the outside! I can’t believe it has taken me so long to see this, and that I’ve tried for so long to measure up to something, without even knowing I was doing it. And certainly I never considered why. Not sure I’m hearing God’s cheers just yet, but I’m not sensing his displeasure either … and the stirrings of life within me are more God-like than anything I’ve felt in a very long time. Thank you for the nudges to continue in that direction!

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 13:45:06 +0000

“I garden too”
I feel strange telling you this, but I had this feeling that God was cheering me on. I had this “feeling” that God was telling me that it was right, that I was on the right track setting it all aside, like he was affirming that this was something that I needed to do in order to heal from some the abuse, and not just the spiritual abuse, but all abuse. It was all intertwined together. I was scared to set “god” aside but realized the fear came from people ~ people that put that fear in me. Eventually when this all got sorted out, I saw with amzing clarity how people use bible teachings to control, guilt and shame other people and when this begins in childhood, the lies seem to be truth and it is no different than the grooming process of all other types of abuse and mistreatment.
I am glad you are here too!
Hugs, Darlene

By: I garden too

I garden too — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 04:50:15 +0000

Setting aside “confusion and conflict”. Yes. Much of that comes from my version of “faith”, I think. Maybe that’s what I meant – that I’m setting aside what has only seemed to me to be “faith”. Beliefs, practices, what is familiar – things I’ve been invested in – that have perhaps come at the expense of myself? Not sure I can really untangle things to say anything that makes sense here, but it encourages me to know that this was a long process for you. And as to prayer, I understand this, too. I don’t know how to explain or rationalize that coming from a faith perspective, but this is also my experience. And I think that for now, this is part of acknowledging where I’m really at instead of trying to force myself into another unhelpful version of “faith” and trying to make myself conform to it. It just feels like I really need to relax about these things for now in the process of hearing what else is really going on inside. A bit of a ramble here, but thank you. So glad I’ve found this site.

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 19:16:11 +0000

Hi “I garden too”
sounds like you are on the right track! I had beautiful faith filled people in my life too; I didn’t set them aside. I didn’t even set my faith aside ~ I set all the confusion and conflict aside. I didn’t even pray for well over 2 years and I somehow knew that it was okay and necessary for my healing. And it was! The sorting out part of my process was the part that took the longest. (over 2 years) but it all came together and the other parts of the healing processes went so much quicker. I found myself ~ I feel like I finally know who I am now and what I am “doing here” and it is fantastic!
I am really glad that you are here!
hugs, Darlene

By: I garden too

I garden too — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 17:38:58 +0000

I am so glad that your blog doesn’t emphasize so much the particulars of what happened in your life to make you broken but that what you emphasize is the commonalities with broken people and HOW YOU GOT FROM THERE TO HERE. But saying that, I’m glad you do mention faith, and 8 years of Greek and Hebrew and forgiveness – and your decision to lay that stuff aside to just take care of yourself and SEE and LISTEN. To YOURSELF! I can really relate to this. As I read about your journey, right about the time I’m hearing myself say, “What is your problem? You had a much better life than this! This blog is for people who have REAL problems. Get a grip. Pull yourself out of this and stop whining. Get out of yourself”. Right about that time I’ll read something else you’ve written that just resonates so deeply with me about past stuff, beliefs, and the need to face it and find it somehow.

My past has God all through it. As does my present adult life. God and faith and correct beliefs and wonderful, self-giving dedicated people. Whine about that? Set that aside?!? But somehow it’s become like a prison to me. Walls I can’t go past. Defining who I am, what I feel (or should feel). I’m becoming slowly aware of things I DO feel, though. Things that were off-limits before. Feeling like I was set-up from the beginning to not acknowledge who I was or what I felt but to take on somebody else’s script. And it’s gotten me here – to a place of exhaustion and emptiness. I don’t know how to integrate this with God and beliefs I’ve held all my life, but for now I’m trying very hard not to worry about that and instead listen to myself for a change. Realizing I had no idea who “Myself” was is what drove me to therapy in the first place.

Thank you for talking about faith and clearing clutter in the same sentence. That’s exactly where I am right now.

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 15:05:58 +0000

Laura
EFB is all about hope! Thanks for sharing!
hugs, Darlene

By: Laura

Laura — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 13:36:39 +0000

Your post made me feel hopeful for the many people I will one day counsel who have been through abuses similar to yours. I have healed from many of my own past issues, I’m thankful to say, but we can always learn and grow more through anothers’ eyes and experience.

~Laura

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:32:38 +0000

Fai,
This sounds excellent! It takes time, but it is so worth it.
Hugs, Darlene

By: Fai

Fai — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 17:14:56 +0000

I don’t know if it helps to write in the mist of the pain,but here goes. Lots of my beliefs are based on things I don’t remember. Reading your posts Darlene & the comments helps my memories to come back. Then I change them to positive. Right now I’m hating being set in such a horrible family,then living 51 years being blamed & shamed for it. I would never even let anyone love me very long, first I couldn’t even understand it (pretty much learning now) then not wanting to taint their lives. This tainting still seams to be occurring. So I trust your sharing & I’ll just explore the depths of this origins of damage funk.