Mental Health Recovery ~ Ten Necessary Changes
By
I had to get it sorted out. I had to separate the real from the imagined; the true from the false; the facts from the fiction and it all had to be looked at from a new perspective; the true perspective. The way things really had been. These are a few of the necessary things that I did in order to give myself some space to come out of the fog enough to see clearly and begin to heal. This is part two; continued from “The Recovery Journey ~ Common Bonds“
~ I decided that my version of the truth was not really mine and that I didn’t know the truth at all. I gave myself permission to examine the truth and to realize that my survivor mode was a leftover from childhood. I was strong enough to know the REAL TRUTH now.
~ I decided to spend some time with myself, to invest in myself and my health and to pay attention to me and give myself some of the value that I had shown to others.
~ I decided that I was not going to be responsible or accountable for other people’s feelings during this process.
~ I put aside my constant obsession with guilt and shame over not having enough faith (because if I had enough faith, I would be healed) and over not being grateful for my wonderful life (because I thought that I didn’t even deserve the good things I had) and put aside my obsession with doing things “the right way” (the right way according to who??)
~ I stopped trying to look at things as a mature adult who was responsible for the results of my own life and just looked at what my own life had somehow become.
~ I stopped feeling sorry for my parents and making excuses for their behavior and decided that I was going to just open my eyes and LOOK at the truth.
~ I gave myself permission to feel however I really felt. If that meant feeling angry; fine. If resentment came up, then that was fine too. I had to allow those feelings long enough to really feel them, so that I could let them go and become able to get over them.
~ I decided to put aside the whole forgiveness issue. I did not think about forgiveness, I made a decision NOT to think about it until I had time to sort a bunch of things out because by then it had gotten really complicated. I was beating myself up for not forgiving and hiding the fact that I had not forgiven.
~I decided to put the time and effort into the process no matter what, because life the way that it was ~ was not worth living. I decided that I was going to at least find out what my “worth” was even if that meant that I was going to be disappointed. (I was so afraid that “they” were right about me, that really I wasn’t worth it. There is NO SUCH TRUTH!
~ Somehow I knew that doing all these things~ including putting my faith aside~ to examine the truth about faith itself and my faith, would not get me thrown into hell. I decided that I had to clear all that clutter, so that I could start fresh, with a clean slate, without all the garbage that was on my old slate.
Most of these decisions were not conscious. I made many of them along the way. My therapist had to tell me many times that I didn’t deserve to be so disregarded. He had to tell me many times that I had a right to have been protected and that the abuse was not my fault. It was in believing him that I was able to start to look at the truth. It was in seeing how my belief system formed, that I was motivated to change it. It was in taking everything apart that I was able to be put back together. When I was able to make a beginning on even the first few of these decisions I began to see the road ahead. Eventually, I walked into a world of freedom that I never thought possible. I was able to own my value; I not only felt my worth, but I knew it, and I found my purpose.
How does this post make you feel?
To Your Freedom on the Journey to Wholeness,
Darlene Ouimet
17 Comments
May 17th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
This post let me know that you’ve been through what I am currently trying to do. Clean slate is the perfect phrase for what I seek and feel that I deserve.I repressed everything so well,mentally I felt exhausted and knew I needed a change. Your words have shown me that it can be done. God Bless
May 17th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
.
K. Welcome and thank you for your comment. I was so exhausted that all I thought about was when my kids were grown up I would lay on a beach and do nothing for the rest of my life. I had no hope anymore before I understood a few keys things. ~I believed the lies about me and that my memories were false. I thought I was just an attention seeker. I blieved that I did not deserve happiness becasue of the first lie. I didn’t think that I could overcome that much muck and confusion! But you are right!! It can be done! Thank you for being here!
Hugs, Darlene
May 17th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
I admire all the hard work you’ve done in your recovery. Thank you for sharing many of the things you’ve found to be key for you.
I find the list kind of emotionally overwhelming and difficult to imgine achieving. But at least it’s something to work towards.
May 17th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Hi Stacy,
You know, I might have included too many points on this list; I certainly didn’t do them all at once, but I am glad that you feel like it is something you can work towards.
Hugs, Darlene
May 17th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
How does this post make me feel? I’m crying so hard I can’t see
my phone’s keys. You have once again spoken straight to my heart. The process. How it began with tiny shreds of belief, including your therapist (who sounds like a great guy). When you say you were not to blame, when you say that you’re not toxic, false beliefs are that–false…you get me right where I’m living these days. I know that I will read this many many times. Thank you
May 17th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
What a great list and no it isn’t too long. It is just right because that is what you wrote. We are still good at second guessing ourselves. You give others hope that they can accomplish the same thing. I just posted my own list of things that I did as tiny steps toward learning to love myself in recovery.
May 18th, 2010 at 8:31 am
Splinterdones,
Its kind of a funny thing when someone has such a strong reaction. I want to say “yeah! I’m happy that it hit you so hard” but yet I feel the pain in all of it too. But as I always like to remind myself and others, My FAV Quote by Kahlil Gibran “The pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding”. So pain and tears are good. I am so happy that you are sharing your process with us.
Hugs, Darlene
Patricia,
I will have to check out your list! Thanks for your encouragement, I do second guess myself, but I have learned that it is only because I so deeply want what is best for others.. and I know that I am powerless over that, but I still want it!
Hugs, Darlene
May 19th, 2010 at 8:20 am
Excellent points, every single one is dead on. *hugs*
May 19th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Your comment about setting aside the whole forgiveness issue struck a HUGE nerve in me…people have been telling me – over and over – that I need to forgive. All sorts of people, on all sorts of levels. I’m so totally confused about forgiveness, what it means, how do I do it, what it should feel like, what happens if I can’t, don’t! Frustrated with myself because I don’t even know what the word means! I thought I had it all figured out when I started using the words “acceptance” and “letting go” but those don’t feel right either. Nothing seems to “fit” me. I still have a lot of anger inside me (as I was reminded today by my therapist) and still have a lot of work to do. Is forgiveness part of that work? I don’t know. I’m going to give a lot of thought to your words. Thank you!
May 19th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Ligeia!
How lovely to see your name here and thank you for your comment.
Hugs, Darlene
May 19th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Becky,
This is such a huge topic; one that I intend to write a few posts about soon, and I can assure you that they are not going to be “typical” lecture type posts. Forgiveness for me was not part of the work, I had to set it aside, it was just too frustrating and too OLD of a wound. I had to separate things in order to look at them through the truth lens. I had to take events apart and look at things in a new way and I decided that I was going to FEEL anger this time, and I was going to be mad at the ones that hurt me. When I was honest about my feelings, and looked at things the way they really were, I knew that I had not brought on certain events in my life, and I also knew that I had been very devalued and unprotected. Out of the events of my childhood developed a false belief about myself. I could not understand forgiveness until I righted that false belief system. When I began to really feel my recovery and live my life as who I believe I was always meant to be, I suddenly realized the anger and resentment was gone. Forgiveness happened naturally, not because I DID something but because I understood the truth. I feel sorry for many of the people that I used to be so angry at.. some of the ways that they live and the things they did to me to keep me “down” are really pathetic. I appreciate your honesty in your comment. I look forward to hearing from you again as we journey together.
Hugs, Darlene
May 19th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
Darlene, once again you have spoken to me. Until 3 weeks ago I really didnt even imagine living past the time my kids left home, even if I made it that long it would be a miracle in my mind. No hope doesnt even begin to describe it, I had nothing. One day in art therapy I had to draw an abstract picture of what I saw as my inner worth and I drew an “X” because I dont believe I have any worth whatsoever, and even though logically I “know” its not true, it doesnt seem to stick in my head, so I need to see the REAL truth. So I am here forcing myself to do whatever I can to make me realize my value, and you are helping me to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I thank you for that
May 20th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Rebekah,
I can completly relate to everything you say, I felt all the same ways too. I am so gald that this blog is helping, and yes.. yes there is always light at the end of the tunnel!
Hugs, Darlene
May 22nd, 2010 at 1:17 am
.
May 29th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Darlene, I also resontated with putting aside forgiveness and the 12 step process that seemed as if it peirced my precious self. That was back in the 1980s. I’m interested in your journey, because you have found such wonderment . I am floundering after severing ties with an abusive family, moving, and being unwell and isolated. It takes only one of these things to create a vacuum. I think dealing with them all takes all of my energy + courage. The world isn’t a kind place without fellowship + sharing. I’m finding it’s easier to speak of, or imagine feeling better, but life’s harsh reality doesn’t support me to heal. It feels sad and lonely.
May 30th, 2010 at 6:42 am
Dear Sharon,
It is very hard and draining to sort all this stuff out; I often wonder if the reason that I was unwell so much of the time was because of my emotional struggles. I am so rarely ill now. It is so important that you keep seeking your truth, and empower yourself with it, as you move forward with your journey. I felt so sad and lonely too, and I think that is a season in the whole process. It did take some time though.. I wish I could tell you that it passed quickly. I was also exhausted and thought I would never feel energy again, but I did! I have a full life now, in fact I am writing this comment from Puerto Vallarta Mexico where I am vacationing with my youngest daughter ~ and the other night this older man came up to us at dinner and said that he had been watching us play in the ocean, and from the screams and laughter he could not tell mother from child; he said it brought tears to his eyes. It brought tears to my eyes too, that I am able to be this way today. There is hope! There is life after broken!
Thanks for being here,
Hugs, Darlene
August 9th, 2010 at 8:16 am
I love that. There IS life after broken. Wow
PS. Is there a way to be notified of follow-up comments?