Dec
05

Memoirs of a Mad Survivor by Patty Hite

By

Patty Hite ~ Overcoming Sexual Abuse
Patty Hite

I am pleased to have guest blogger Patty Hite from the website Overcoming Sexual Abuse writing  for Emerging  from Broken today.  We are continuing with a series of posts on the subject of anger in relation to abuse.  As always on this blog, please feel welcome to post your comments, thoughts and contributions. 

~ Darlene Ouimet, founder of Emerging from Broken

Memoirs of a Mad Survivor by Patty Hite

I am a Mad Survivor. Not crazy mad, just angry. And not insanely angry to where I view life and everyday thru gray colored lenses, with bitterness and uncontrollable rage.  For the most part, I am fulfilled and overflowing with love for myself and life. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. I am free from nightmares and flashbacks that used to be so painful that I thought having a knife in my heart would feel better. 

 I am proud to confess that I am angry about abuse. All abuse.  I was sexually abused as a child and sexually, physically and emotionally abused when I married Satan (that’s what I call my ex).  Most of what I know about abuse was shown to me by him. In fact, when I read or hear the word abuser, I picture him as the perfect example of what an abuser is.  This is why I have devoted my life to healing and it is why I do everything I can to tell others about the dangers and damage abuse causes, as well as help those who want to heal.  It is why I am angry. But it is a healthy and justifiable anger that is constantly on my heart and in my mind.

 I am angry at every adult who harms a child. I am angry because they chose to do it. And no, I don’t care if they were drunk, drugged or a child of abuse themselves. They chose it.  They thought about how and they knew when.  They watched that child’s every move. They knew the weakness in that child and they knew what tactic to use in order to abuse them.  Should they use force or should they manipulate the child with love and affection? Should they threaten the child or should they blame the child?  Yes, I am angry. I didn’t deserve it and neither did you. 

 I get angry when those who should be supportive and comforting, tell us to forgive, forget and put it behind us. I also get angry when these same family and friends tell us to not get angry. Why can’t I be  angry? I was abused!  I was beaten and forced to have sex. It was so traumatic for me that I had to leave my body in order to survive. I spent most of my life in fear and learning how to love myself. Yet, I should not be angry about it and at the ones who did it?  

 The same people who don’t want to hear about my abuse are the same ones who try to stop me from being angry. It’s because of THEIR fear, that they try to stop us from being angry. Fear of exposure, fear of losing control over us, fear of rocking their boat. They feel safe as long as they can keep us in a child frame of mind, under their control. What about how I feel? Why can’t I feel safe? What I don’t understand is why our loved ones aren’t angry. Why aren’t they angry that I was abused?   

 I’m sure some of you who are reading this are wondering why I am still angry after all the years I’ve spent in healing from abuse. (30 years to be exact) And some of you are wondering if I am really healthy, since I talk about anger and the importance of being angry at our abusers.  How can I say I have forgiven my abusers but still be angry at them? 

 It is because of healing, that I am able to be angry. I spent most of my life obeying the same false beliefs that you listened to. “Put anger aside and move on.”   Healing from abuse  doesn’t mean forgetting and it doesn’t mean excusing the abuse and it doesn’t mean that we stop being angry. Trying to stop my anger about abuse is like trying to stop a moving train with my body. It can’t happen and it will never happen. I choose to remain angry about every man, woman and child who has, is or will be abused. It’s the nature of the beast, the nature of a Mad Survivor. 

 I know, I am stepping on some toes, because we were taught that anger should not be expressed, it  is not lady- like and anger will eat us up.   Yet, anger  is an emotion that we need to express.  We need to get angry about our abuse, about our abusers, about those who didn’t protect us and at those who tell us to stuff our anger.  It’s the only way that internal boundaries will surround us to protect and guard us from future abuse. It’s like a fence that has signs posted “ Do Not Touch or You Will Be Prosecuted”  “Warning: No Abuse Allowed” “Warning: I Hit Back.” 

 This is a list of things I USED to get angry about before healing: The cashier for talking too much and taking too long. (She isn’t being paid to talk!)  The little boy who let his dog pee in my yard. (I don’t let my dog pee in your yard, why are you letting your dog pee in mine?)  The guy in the mustang who has his music up loud. (Where’s the cops when you need them?)  The butcher who took another customer before me ( I was here first!) The couple in church who didn’t tithe (God’s gonna get them). 

 Silly things. I mean, come on! If I wasn’t such a nice girl, I could have slapped these people without thinking twice. If I would have told my friends about them, they would have encouraged me and told me that I had every right to be angry and upset. Yet, when it comes to something as devastating as abuse, we are told to not be angry because it will eat us up inside. And we listen to these people. Why? Most of the time we don’t even question it, we just obey because it has been so ingrained in us that anger is a bad thing. 

 My question to every Survivor is this: Is love a bad thing? What about compassion, sadness, or joy? They are all emotions. Are we supposed to pick and choose certain ones and discard the others?  Should we toss love aside and not cry or jump around with joy? It makes no sense to me to use some and squash another. Because of this, I will continue to express my anger. It is my emotion, it is my right and I am giving myself permission to do so. It is said that anger is the backbone of healing. I say, anger is my backbone.

 Patty Hite

 Patty Hite is one of four facilitators of Overcoming Sexual Abuse. A survivor of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, Patty has been tenaciously pursuing her healing for over thirty years.  She’s a passionate advocate for all survivors and dedicates her life to inspiring emotional wholeness in others. As a former victim of spousal abuse, she’s delighted to find true love with her husband of ­­­­five years.  She’s blessed with four children and five grandchildren.

Categories : Freedom & Wholeness

33 Comments

1

Bravo, bravo, bravo…it takes courage to face the demons of the past, present and future, when it comes to abuse of any kind. Speaking, truth, heals…Bravo. ~?~

2

Patty! Yes! Yes! Yes!

You said: Fear of exposure, fear of losing control over us, fear of rocking their boat. They feel safe as long as they can keep us in a child frame of mind, under their control. What about how I feel? Why can’t I feel safe? What I don’t understand is why our loved ones aren’t angry. Why aren’t they angry that I was abused?

I still don’t understand how it was my fault that bad things happened, I still don’t understand how my feelings and needs counted so little when put up against public perception or their own needs to not feel out of control or to not be embarrassed.

I really and truly was saying, “yes” or “exactly that’s how I feel too” and “where can I sign up for my badge that says MAD SURVIVOR”…so well written and straight to the heart.

I’ve felt that random anger at people in general and I know it is an unhealthy anger. Driving too slow past my house isn’t THAT much of a crime, being a chatty cashier isn’t hurting anyone. I’ve tried to smile at those and direct my anger towards those who CHOOSE abuse, those who choose to hurt and plan to blame the victim and those who remained silent when they could have spoken up.

Thank you for this Patty, your words touched me today in a way I really needed. Now I understand why I’ve been in this funk the past few days, and I think I can work past my blocks and move ahead a few steps…bless you!

3

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Darlene Ouimet, Splinteredones. Splinteredones said: RT @DarleneOuimet: New blog post: Memoirs of a Mad Survivor by Patty Hite http://emergingfrombroken.com/memoirs-of-a-mad-survivor-by-pat … […]

4

Thank you Shanyn,

I am so glad that this has spoken to you. I think it is so important to understand that it’s ok to be angry and just plumb mad about the whole thing. I made a list, I mean a long list of things I have been angry about and what others have been angry about, and when I read them again and again, it floored me how silly all those things were. Yet, these same people, including myself, didn’t get angry about MY abuse. This needs to change. I believe that once we as Survivors start showing our anger toward abuse, that others will feel it’s ok for them to get angry. Isn’t that how laws and rules change? Because someone got fed up and did something. I would like to believe that it was anger that gave them the backbone to run the race and to continue on until things changed.

Thanks again for your encouragement and keep stepping and hanging on. ((hug))) Patty

5

Way to go Patty! Absolutely….we have been taught to tolerate the intolerable and when we show the least bit of negative emotion WE become the focal point as everyone around us insists that something is wrong with us for expressing any emotion and especially anger is viewed as a defect rather than a part of us that we have been taught to ignore…but is in reality is that inner voice that we have been conditioned to ignore. The good news is that we can practice listening to this voice – this part of our ‘self’ and begin to recognize when we or someone we love is being violated. We can learn to use our anger instead of others using our anger against us!

6

Patty,
Thank you so much for writing about this. It makes me so mad that it’s not just the abuse that attacks our value, but the way people try to tell us in so many ways they we are being petty by getting angry about the horrible things that were done to us. So we are worth nothing? Someone mutilating my soul is less serious than an inconsiderate clerk keeping them waiting? Those people who want us to take the ‘high road’ and forget what happened are the same people who think it’s such a BIG deal when someone interrupts them or slights them in some way. The ‘high road’ only seems important when it serves them.

By the way, the link to this blog is posted on the Overcoming Sexual Abuse fan page and the EXACT thing that this blog is about occurred in a comment by someone who claimed the ‘high road’ should have been taken. It’s a GREAT conversation because we had the chance to challenge those lies!!!! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Overcoming-Sexual-Abuse/163042156575#!/permalink.php?story_fbid=181861418491123&id=163042156575

7

Didn’t they publish an article on this site, written by someone else, that said you have to forgive them to really heal?
I read one like that and ended up commenting that I’m not at forgiveness yet-b/c I thought forgiveness (or what my friend, who was burned over 80% of his upper body when he was trapped in Tower 1 of the World Trade Center, calls the F-word) was necessary to healing.
That’s why I think I’ll never be truly healed. I’ll never understand why I have to stop being angry about certain things people have done. By angry I mean just that; a feeling, not an action. I don’t believe feelings have to turn into actions, but that’s all I’ll say about that.

The fact that people are so cavalier about whether the perpetrators EVER receive “justice” for the terrible things they’ve done is what makes me most upset.
Examples of it abound in every part of the “Justice System,” from individual abuse like being raped by two people at the same time to the group of people on GITMO, who apparently are going to wait forever to be tried for their alleged crimes, leaving a result that’s unacceptable to the people the committed their crimes against.
They either never have to be tried and serve time for what they did, or they’re considered “innocent b/c there’s not enough evidence to prove to a court of law they did what the woman said they did.”
They can play stupid games w/ words and be completely pardoned for what they do. So they not only abuse people but extend it to the entire English language (thanks to their legal advisors, who care more about making money than they do about their defendants.)

That’s how I feel about the current justice system.

8

Susan,

Hooray!!! I agree. The false beliefs we have been told and lived with are surely the opposite of what we need to feel and should feel. I love it when I listen to my inner voice. I have to admit that I miss it sometimes, but boy when I do and it turns out to be a good thing, I get all warm inside. Any help we can get, even from ourselves, is a great thing. Thanks for your encouragement and I am so glad the blog “spoke” to you.

((hug)) Patty

9

Christina,

My birth family used to thrive on gossip and drama. The simplest things would cause an uproar in our home and of course everyone heard it. The neighbors, our extended family, even strangers on the bus. Silly things that didn’t mean a hill of beans was talked about for weeks. But the barn doors were shut and the animals were quiet when it came to talking about abuse. It’s crazy. My sister being given liquor and then raped was not worth talking about? My abusive ex (Satan) smacking the crap out of me, raping me and making me eat food off the floor, wasn’t worth talking about? Something wrong with that mentality and I am not afraid to stand up against it and shout it out.

Take the high road? What kind of garbage is that? Does that mean that by telling the truth is setting a bad example to others? Am I missing something? Isn’t it truth that helps us when we hear it? Isn’t it a good feeling to know that other Survivors can relate to how I am feeling? To hear someone say “I understand because I have been there” is a wonderful thing to me especially when we believe we are the only ones. Grrrrrrrrr. Yep, I am a mad Survivor. As angry as I am about abuse, I am just as angry at people who mock our healing.

thanks kiddo. I always appreciate your honest input on my writings. ((( hug))) Patty

10

Thank you Patty for sharing your heart and helping us understand your anger. I understand it perfectly, and you may be right. By speaking out, especially when we are actually healed, (since I have gone through some similar situations, but not the physically abusive situations) we can actually expose what is going on and maybe help prevent or stop some of the abusers by teaching others how to stop the abuse. Say no, get away from the abuser, talk about it until someone listens to expose the abuser. I kept quiet about it for years so a not to get hurt or hurt anyone, especially if it was dealing with relatives. However, an abuser needs to be exposed then locked up with a life sentence to stop them from hurting more people.
Keep up the good work Patty. It may help more women to heal and no longer be ‘victims’. And let’s quit protecting the abusers. They need to be stopped. Blessings to you always. One other comment; the one person who will never abuse us, who will always love us is Jesus Christ/Yeshua, HIMSELF. He suffered abuse as well for doing what is right, always. HE will be with us always too so we never have to walk alone again.

11

Vicki,
I’m not sure where you were reading a blog that stated you have to forgive to heal, but it wasn’t here. It may have been in a comment by a reader, but that’s not Darlene’s opinion at all. (Darlene is Emerging From Broken’s founder). Her position is stated in her blog about forgiveness here: http://emergingfrombroken.com/forgive-the-abusers-a-bit-of-a-rant/

I agree with you that the way perps are treated needs to change. It’s disgusting that victims are treated worse than the criminals in MANY cases. That’s why it’s so important to voice the truth.

12

Vicki,

I have forgiven some of my abusers but not all. My reasons for that is because I am not ready to. I used to forgive because I was told I needed to and it was biblical. The problem with doing that was that I still had bitterness in my heart and I wasn’t ready to let got of my hatred for them. When I forgive, it’s because I am ready and I am able to walk away, not excusing them, but with myself having a feeling of releasing myself from them. They have already been released as far as distance, but this is an emotional distance that I need. They are no longer controlling my thoughts or emotions. I am able to release myself from them, free and clear. This last one I want to hold on to for a while. I’m not done cursing him yet.

We don’t have to forgive our abusers in order to heal. There is a saying that I use ” My abuse is between me and my abuser. My healing is between me, myself, and I.” We don’t have to have anything at all to do with our abuser in order to heal. Healing is rediscovering ourselves. Putting back the pieces that ran away during our abuse. Becoming whole again.

Hope this helps and I appreciate our input so much. ((( hug))) Patty

13

Sharon,

I am so glad my blog helped you understand the importance of anger. It is actually a helper in speaking the truth. Kind of like a power booster, a shot of caffeine, giving us the energy to speak up and continue on with our fight for justice.

I too believe in Jesus and know of His love for me and others. He never swayed from the truth nor sugar coated it. He wasn’t worried about hurting peoples feelings and wasn’t afraid to throw others out of a room.

Thanks for sharing (((hug))) patty

14

This is a great article. It’s wonderful to be able to speak openly about what is often see as a taboo subject. I believe that deep anger is a totally valid and appropriate response to child abuse and abuse of any kind.

As a Christian I too had been taught anger was a ‘bad’ thing and it was ‘sinful’ to express anger. A good Christian woman is submissive. But hang on my bible tells me that anger in itself is an emotion like any other. Misdirected anger is what causes problems. My bible also tells me of the man Jesus who saved HIS strongest language for those who abused, manipulated and controlled people in the society HE lived in. HE was full of love + compassion for those in need, and towards those who came to HIM for help. But HE wasn’t backwards about coming forwards when it came to confronting those who tried to prevent people coming to HIM and those who made life unbearable for other people, especially the religious leaders at that time.

I am very angry about what my abusers did to me. I am very angry at the damage done to my life. I am very angry that thanks to my abusers I’ve had no life up until now. I am very angry when I hear of other people’s experiences of abuse and domestic violence. I get very angry towards those who abuse.

I am very angry at the way God and Christianity were misrepresented to me by my abusers and other Christians, including the issues of anger, grief, forgiveness, forgetting about it + putting it behind you as if it never happened etc.

And I’m not even tapping into the rage which resides deep within me. This is surface anger, surface rage. What I feel deep inside goes beyond words.

Anger is a totally different issue to forgiveness but too many people misrepresent forgiveness as being a magic thing which stops you being angry and solves all your problems. But this is a total load of rubbish. Forgiveness is many things but it doesn’t magically get rid of the anger and grief about what happened. Those emotions need to be acknowledged and processed.

Anger is what drives me for justice. Anger at the devastation I see in my own life is what drives me in my quest to heal. Anger at the lies that have kept me in prison all these years is what drives me to speak out the truth and keep speaking it out. I’m angry at the false beliefs I was brainwashed with by my abusers and Christians down the years. I’m angry at the way my abusers threats kept me silent, afraid and isolated for nearly a quarter of a century.

I’m angry that my abusers choose to continue to live their lives in lies, denials and delusion while my shattered life can only be lived in the truth of the horrors they subjected me to. I’m angry that my abusers created this mess but I’m the one who has to do the work to heal and clean it all up.

I’m angry about all I lost and the childhood I never had. I’m angry that I cannot have any kind of relationship, sexual or non sexual, because of the effects of the abuse. I’m angry about all my abusers robbed from me that I can never ever get back. I’m angry about the wrong choices of my abusers which have so screwed up my life.

Anger is an essential part of being human, and gosh, I didn’t realise how angry I was before I began typing. And yes, as I already said, I haven’t begun to connect with the deep rage inside. But one day I will and well that’s going to be interesting!!

15

Wow, Patty. You said so much here its huge. I feel like going out in my front yard and yelling ‘YES!!!!’ as loud as I can.

One thing you mention that has always deeply bothered me. WHY don’t the ‘loved ones’ and the people who say they care get angry on your behalf, or my behalf ar anyone they say they care about- after abuse?

Its been a touchstone issue for me. I have seen it over and over. Its a puzzle to me- a big one.

I love this post-YEAH!!!!!!!

16

I’ve shared the article in a note on the facebook page ‘Woman with Wings’ as i cannot get sharing to work on my page today but wanted everyone I know to read this.

I did say that I got the link from your page and linked back to the original article.

I think you’ve got it right in every way. I still have to get angry at my abusers. Even after going through therapy and working through more than 10 years of Post Traumatic Stress I have not yet gotten angry. I can get angry on behalf of the rest of the world, just not for myself. Sad isn’t it?

Thank you for sharing your article, the more people talk, the more we get away from the horrible stigma of silence. Even thought I am very vocal about being raped and molested I sometimes still struggle to find words to express how I feel. I’ve used my photography and writing as a tool for healing but sometimes just reading about someone else putting into words what you did not even know you felt is like a huge weight being lifted from your heart.

Thank you, Patty.

17

I too experience inappropriate anger every single day. I know that there is deeply buried anger there that I never knew I had. I knew I was abused, or mistreated might be a more appropriate word, because I never thought that what happened to me rose to the level of abuse. Abuse implies intent and I never thought that any one of my abusers “meant” to hurt me. They didn’t know what they were doing. They did the best they could. Etc. I could go on and on and on for several pages in my unlimited supply of excuses for them. Meanwhile, I destroy myself by burying my anger and letting it come out at the innocent store clerk (or whoever), stuffing it (and gaining 70 pounds) or denying it and continuing to hold myself down so it should never ever come out.

A few years ago, I went away on a week-long “inner child” retreat. On the very first night, during the very first “guided meditation,” I had the urge to get up and put my fist through a wall. Up until that point, I never knew I was angry AT ALL. I thought I was “over it” – over all the bad stuff that had happened to me. I believed that I had worked it all out in therapy. Never once in therapy had I ever acknowledged issues with my mother. My brother, yes. My absent father, yes. My grandmother (who was another parent to me), yes. But never my mother. I couldn’t bear to feel anger toward her because I loved her too much, and because I was partially raised by her mother who was a royal bitch and I couldn’t add to the abuse she got from her. I could see why she was the way she was, so I couldn’t BLAME her for it. That was just too much.

So I buried my anger. Again. And gained more weight. And stopped writing. And still get angry at the store clerk or the Christmas music on the radio or whatever.

And even though I feel triumphant on your behalf, Patty, for being able to feel your anger and express it appropriately, I still don’t feel any hope that I’ll ever be able to do it. That I’ll ever be able to see it as so cut and dried and see myself as not complicit in my own abuse (especially that abuse I’ve continued to receive from her as an adult – which is verbal and emotional). If it is okay for me to blame her, even though the cycle of abuse led her to it, after she went down the only path she knew because of her own abuse, etc., then why is it okay to for me let myself off the hook for continuing to be a victim? After all, I’m CHOOSING that, am I not? Except, it doesn’t always feel like a choice.

Obviously, I have a lot of “stuff” about this issue. I want to stop blaming myself, but I don’t know how. I want to live a full and happy life, but I keep making bad choices, all of which, if traced back to their source, would show my attempts to cover up, deny, or stuff my anger. It has never felt righteous. It doesn’t even now. And I’ve been trying to get there for years…that it’s okay to be angry, etc. I can be angry for YOU and Darlene, and Fi and Christina and all the other people who post here. But MY MOM didn’t mean it. So I can’t allow myself to be angry at her. Your abuser really was an abuser. Mine didn’t mean it.

Please understand, I’m fully aware of how crazy that sounds. But that’s where I am (where I have been for years) and I’m supposed to be honest, right?

Thanks for letting me be who I am here.

18

Go Fi,

It empowers my being when I hear of others who understand the importance of anger. And I am glad that you have been able to see beyond what you were taught as a Christian and able to see Truth. It is the Truth that sets us free. Not Man’s truth, but Gods.

I am so glad that you typed out what you are angry about. It releases us and builds us. It also squashes the lies that we were told and the more we say it, type it, shout it, the more denial and untruth has no place in us.

Keep it up….. I’m rooting for you. (((Hug))) Patty

19

Elizabeth,

Shout it out, girl!!! It’s your right and you are allowed. 🙂

I always made excuses for my family concerning my dad’s sexual abuse on my sister. I was very young when it happened, but the memories of it flashed back when I was in my twenties. I started talking about it with my siblings to validate what I saw. Even then, I took my siblings knowledge of it out of the picture and thought that since I was the one who saw it, that it was my battle.

It wasn’t until these last few years, that I questioned my siblings about why they aren’t fighting for my sister. It floored them as much as it floored me when I spoke those words. Their response is because it is in the past and my sister asked for it. She never healed and all they saw was the after effects of her abuse. She drank and slept around with many men. I then asked them why, they won’t take up the offense of her as a child. She was a child when she was raped by our dad. They still can’t comprehend why they should fight her battle. She has since past away, but I will continue to fight for her.

But getting back to your question. I don’t know how anyone can NOT fight for the helpless when they are harmed in any way. When I exposed my abusive ex to my family, they again, didn’t take up my offense. I have learned, that since i have seen the uncaring, that I will always care. I will care and take up for myself as well as others. It’s ingrained in me now and I am not afraid. I would rather be cussed out, pushed around and locked up, then to try and sleep at night, knowing I could have done something and didn’t.

(((hugs))) Patty

20

Mariet,

Thank you for sharing the article and for your encouraging words.

I’m am so glad that you are aware of the need for anger. It will happen. The same as finding and expressing your emotions. It will all happen. The knowledge of what is needed is a tremendous step and I am so glad that you are aware of these things.

I started talking about my abuse a long time before I started nurturing myself. I again, was last on the list, but that’s ok. I’ve had a lifetime of caring about others and a lifetime of not caring about myself. It was easy to care about others……. harder to care for me. But it does happen and it will happen. You are not alone. Hang in there and hold on, you are doing great things for yourself, and you deserve it!!

((hug)) Patty

21

Lisa,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt letter. My mother is my heart and soul. She has passed away, but I was able to talk to her about the things she allowed in our home. When my dad molested my sister, my sister was sent out of the home so my dad could remain. Her reasoning was that my dad provided financially for all of us 9 kids. It was wrong. The innocence in which she explained it to me was enough for me to know, that she felt she had no other resources. My mother was a product of the great depression and she and her sister lived on the streets and ate from garbage cans. They survived on apple cores for days and begged for scraps. Her greatest fear was not being able to provide food and a roof for her children and if it meant that my dad remained in the home in order for that to happen, then that is how it is.

But, I was still angry at her. I spent a week cleansing myself of my anger. I cried, kicked, shouted and punched anything I could to get it out. I wrote letters to her, (never sent them) and spit in the wind. I had to get it out. My heart was not to hurt her, but it was to heal me. Even tho I knew the circumstances of the reasons why, it didn’t excuse the effects of those decisions she made, so long ago.

Releasing our Anger removes bitterness and helplessness and depression. In order to release it, we don’t have to confront them, nor even tell them. We just need to push it out. I always look at anger as a force to be reckoned with. It’s going to be active, either in us, or out of us. The best thing is to get it out. Stuffing it only causes it to build up, which is why we explode at the smallest things. It’s like a volcano ready to erupt.

I hope this helps you to understand that getting angry at someone’s actions doesn’t mean we have to hate them or want to wound them. It isn’t even for them. It’s for us. You are angry and you know you are angry. You know who and the whys. Now all you need to do is justify being angry at your mom’s actions. I started saying….. “I am angry at you mom because you sent my sister away. I am angry at you mom because you let him stay. I am angry at you mom because of this and that……… it started out slow with a lot of tears, but eventually it started to erupt. Once I got it out, I was able to honestly forgive her and we had a wonderful and close relationship for 30 years before she died. Actually, it was closer and continued to get closer as time went on.

You can do it. There is no punishment when you do, and she doesn’t even need to know it. This is for you. You deserve the freedom and the right to be angry, even at those who didn’t mean to hurt us.

(((hug))) Patty

22

Hi Lisa,
I can really relate to what you have written here today and I suspect that many others will relate as well. This was a biggie for me ~ coming to terms with the truth about my mother. And it took a while, and you are right about honesty too ~ being real is the only way that I finally grew. So stating it the way you believe it; that your mother didn’t mean it is tremedously valuable for your and your growth. This is an excellent example of some of my own foundational breakthroughs;
I believed that my mother would have done things differently if SHE had a different mother herself. That is likely still a true belief. Where I got stuck is that I let it be the excuse for her. Even writing that, I still feel the pull of wanting to excuse her from what she did to me, but the difference today is the way that I separate the two. My mother was absued and devalued. She passed it on to me. I don’t have to ACCEPT that anymore. I don’t have to let that be her excuse anymore because she still wants to act that way. She still wants to treat me like nothing, to define me as less then I am. I have decided that I AM worth all that I am and that she doesn’t get to decide my worth anymore. I miss the thought of having a mother who loves me for who I am, but the truth is that it was only ever a wish, a thought and a dream. I didn’t actually have that mother and I have come to terms with that too.
I am so glad that you are here Lisa, and that you are being who you are here.
Hugs from Mexico, Darlene

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Oh I forgot to mention this anger – how could I omit it?

I’m absolutely furious with the justice system in this country. A justice system that cares more about the perpetrators than their victims and isn’t about bringing perpetrators to justice.

A justice system which paid more attention and gave greater weight to the lies, defiance and denials of my abusers than it did to MY evidence, MY witness impact statements, and other witnesses is no justice system in my book.

The guilty walk free because they lied and I cannot prove they abused me “beyond all reasonable doubt” to Crown Prosecution Lawyers. The police were in no doubt, the professionals are in no doubt about the seriousness of what happened – my police file is thick with evidence – but smart ****** lawyers said “there is no evidence”. I’ve been seriously let down by the UK justice system.

And I am ******************* furious about it. There are no words for the fury I feel and for how betrayed I feel by our so called justice system.

It’s no wonder people take the law into their own hands.

I just had to add that to my earlier post, it was incomplete without that!!

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Hooray for you Fi. I am a firm believer in getting it out……. and I am so glad that you are!!!!

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Patty, thanks for letting me – I knew I was allowed.

By the way, you’ve inspired me to write a post on my blog about my anger expanding a bit on what I’ve said here and I’m putting a link to this post in it.

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Good for you Fi. That is how operate too. I get inspired and I have to let it out!!!!!!

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SORRY.. please be careful.. THIS MATERIAL MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS

i am angry that my stepfather sexually abused me
” ” that my mother knew and sent me away but kept him there (with my other 3 siblings
” ” that they both denied it????
” ” that they also tried to blame me for it WTF???
” ” that my mother made my 15yo sister leave her baby with them so they ‘could take care of her’
” ” that he groomed her then
” ” that i was encouraged to reconcile with them
” ” that he also tried to groom my two eldest daughters, and that i was unaware, too manipulated to fully comprehend what was happening at the time.(he didnt get a chance with my third and youngest)

” ” that my brother killed himself because he never had a chance (he was beaten, made to wear girls underwear, allowed to smoke pot with mum when he was 9, became a drug addict and alcoholic all before his 16th birthday etc etc etc)
” ” that my other little brother was hit by a car while crossing a road to get to the pub looking for his ‘mummy and daddy’ he was 4 years old.
” ” that that same little brother has to live with the fact that his ‘father’ and ‘mother’ are both child sex offenders
” ” he also has to live with the fact that he treated me like shit for years because of the lies told to him by him and her
” ” that my niece now has serious struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts
” ” my sister has held it together for so long that now she too has crashed and will take HARD WORK to recover
” ” that my children has to witness any of this
” ” that my husband has had a shell of a wife for TOO long
” ” that my husband and I cant have the fulfilling sex life we both deserve
” ” that stepfather escaped jail because he is ‘carer’ for my stupid suicidal mother (how ironic?)
” ” that a LOT of people think he is aTOP BLOKE.
” ” that he portrays himself as a victim, and he is VERY good at that
” ” that i have breathe the same putrid air as him
” ” that i continue to have dreams, and he is in them
” ” that i have these poisonous emotions within myself
” ” that i have endued YEARS of depression anxiety panic attacks and ptsd
” ” that i have had to further poison my body with drugs to cope with what they have done to me and my family (THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THESE DRUGS ARE DREADFUL)
” ” that i struggled with alcohol abuse, and my children and husband had to suffer the consequences of that SO UNFAIR
” ” that at times i am consumed with feelings of extreme rage and hate and violent thoughts
” ” that my mind has conjured many different ways of killing him. these thought are most unwelcome.

” ” that my mum once told me she was praying so god would help her make me ‘dead to her’
” ” that she applauded after i read my victim impact statement in court. i had apparently put on an ‘oscar winning performance’
” ” that he WOULD NOT LOOK AT ME whilst i read it.
” ” that he is alive and my brother isnt.

sorry people i hope i havent upset anyone.

i have to go now, off to the dr to sort out the latest dramas i have had with medication.
if anyone out there has had any problems with cymbalta i would love to hear from you.. i am going through hell right now because of this drug.

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Michelle, ((( hug)))

I am so glad that you expressed your anger, but I am so sorry that you and your siblings and husband and children have had to endure such unnecessary hurt and pain. There is no excuse for the behavior of your parents and I hope that in time, you will be able to have a cope free life, full of life and fulfilling love.

You list looked like mine when I poured out my anger and it brings back many memories of getting it out.

Thanks for sharing. I have hope for your healing.

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Michelle ~ I am so sorry that you and your siblings have had to deal with these life experiences…and that you lost your brother because of it. I feel such anger, not only at the abuse and neglect you and your siblings suffered but that in seeking justice there was more of the same and the perpetrators get to still live free. You are a courageous being, Michelle; thank you for sharing your story and your journey here.

On the cymbalta ~ yes; I was on it for a very long time until I was taken off all of the psychotropic drugs in 2007 and there has been quite a bit of research on the side effects of it. Feel free to contact me if you are looking for something specific, I’ve got access to some resources that you may find helpful.

30

patty and susan, thank you for your kind words. i have been trying to come to terms with the anger i have for years now, it has taken time, and loving support to help me progress this far in accepting the anger first of all, then overcoming my fear of it (i was honestly afraid at one point i would commit murder, or that i would involuntarily take my own life ) i am at the point now that i understand that it is a righteous anger.

the key is not to let the anger destroy ME, i have been hurt enough. i truly wish for everyone who has ever been hurt to be able to heal, and if i could wave a magic wand i would!!

even though i have never met anyone from this board i feel so much for them, and from personal experience feel very strongly that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. (what a gift this blog has been to me!!) love, concern and true empathy is what has got me through and i hope for the same for all of you here. (and the entire human race for that matter.) xoxo

susan; if you could email any info you have on cymbalta withdrawal, i would very much appreciate it. i have visited some forums so far and they have been somewhat helpful (at least now i know i am not going crazy!) cymbalta.hell@gmail.com

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Michelle, I agree. Having others who understand as a support system is so awesome. When I began my healing I had no one and I often think of how wonderful that would have been. Just to have someone say, “I understand.” would have been like a cup of hot chocolate in front of the fire place. Just warm and snuggly.

Thank you for your input on how important it is to get angry, yet understand it and make it a part of us instead of an enemy.

(((hug))) Patty

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Thanks for your note Michelle. I think its common for us to be afraid of our anger…after all, we live in a world that declares anger as wrong in so many ways. So for us who have survived violations like this then to be told we shouldn’t feel angery and god forbid…the rage that comes often with being denied our anger and pain…to finally begin to tap into it is frightening. Congratulations on finding your way and your path to freedom:)

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Patti…You sound Healthy!

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