Lost in the Fog and the Journey Back to Me


overcoming depression
Lost in the Fog

This morning I had to give my husband a ride to the tractor in the field a few miles away. He drove there and while we chatted away I paid absolutely no attention to where we were going. After I dropped him off, I proceeded to make my way out of the fields and back to the road. It is really foggy here this morning, and believe it or not, I got lost in the fields. I couldn’t figure out where the gates were to get me the heck out of there.  Did I mention that I have been driving in those 3 felids for over 20 years? I actually had to phone my husband on his cell, so that he could tell me how to find my way out of the fields! Worse than that; I had to call him twice! I was kind of feeling embarrassed, but then I had this thought about my life, my personal growth this journey and the fog.

Those fields were very much like my life; I had lived in my own body and thought I had my own mind for over 40 years when suddenly I realized that I was really lost. I was caught in a fog, the same fog that I had been born into all those years ago and because it was so familiar, I couldn’t find my way out. It was what I was used to. I thought I knew who I was, but when I started to make some progress on my recovery, I realized that I didn’t have a clue. I was in unfamiliar territory in my own life. I didn’t know much about me, because I had never been encouraged to BE me.  I had been defined by everyone else.

From the start I was groomed by other people’s decisions about what would be best for me.  (which had its roots in who and what would be best for THEM, for me to be) I was so used to living this way and so dependent on being who everyone else wanted that I never once thought about who I really was. I was lost in my own life. Deep down each question I asked myself about any decision in front of me had the shadow of another question on top of it; what with they think? What would they want me to do? What will keep me the safest?  I couldn’t find MY sense of direction. 

I had been looking for someone to tell me that I was okay; all my life I had believed everyone else’s definition of who I was, so it makes sense that I thought that I should look for someone to give me permission to be someone different. I had never made a decision that was not influenced by other people and it didn’t occur to me that I could do that now.  I was lost in the fog of my own life.

In my process of coming OUT of the fog, I realized that I didn’t know who I was OR what I was interested in.  The truth is that I was not ME yet. I was who they said I was.

Just like I called my husband to help me find my way out of those fields this morning, I found some help and support to get me out of the fog that surrounded every aspect of my life. It took time. I had a whole lifetime of fog to navigate through in order to find the real me. There were lies piggybacking on other lies. Each area of my life had its own fog storm going on. It was like a maze; it had always been there, but I was not aware of being lost in it.

Realizing that I was the only one that could find my way out was scary. Realizing that this was MY work to do, was unsettling. I had always believed that I was who they defined me to be. But when I began to uncover the truth, and when the fog started to lift, realizing that I was the only one who needed to give myself permission to change was empowering! It was the beginning of freedom and wholeness. It was like standing on top of a mountain with bright gold sunshine and pure mountain air blowing through my spirit and cleansing my soul! It was like starting over with a clean slate.

It was waking up and living; and suddenly the work; my work, didn’t seem impossible and I knew that I could navigate those fields of life and find my way back to me.

Please share your thoughts;

Darlene Ouimet

Categories : Freedom & Wholeness



This really resonates with me, Darlene! (Although I think I’m still in the “fog”) Thanks for posting.

All best,


Hi Susa,
The fog is so much like denial ~ once we know we have been in it, we have already become aware… or like truth, when we think we have it, we don’t realize we don’t. There are MANY layers of that fog.. for me I am still shocked when one lifts… I have stopped expecting to not realize there is more! But I also know that it is all good, each layer of fog had a purpose, each time a layer is discovered and lifted, I am more free and more whole. I look forward to the whole process now!
Thank you for being here!
Hugs, Darlene


Being lost is frightening, and it is funny how all of those years of silence kept me a prisoner, but at least I knew where I was. Now that I’m finding and using my own voice, it is scary. I don’t always know who, what, or where I am. I’ve learned in my recovery that I have to reach out for help. I’m the only one that can do the work, but I don’t need to walk through the fog alone. You called and asked a trusted person for help, and that is exactly what we need to do. This is such an insightful post. Thanks for sharing:)


THIS IS THE TICKET 🙂 This is the golden ticket. Regardless of the issues of our past (talking about abuse), this is what caused me the most trouble and is how the abuse was set up, acted out, and was going to continue until this realization smacked me right in the head. The abuse is a lot to go through and to face and to try and overcome (as if), but if we can find ourselves and accept ourselves and BE (through lots of practice and fear) then we let go of carrying others’ burdens. Once I could see all this it became almost laughable (and still is), except that it is still traumatic and triggering, each time someone comes at me with this kind of stuff – where they blame me for their feelings and try to convince me I’ve done something to them simply by not behaving the way they would like me to.

And I am right there with you Darlene, I have come to find this to be more of an adventure now than a journey, since I now believe there is nothing I can’t handle…not that it will necessarily be pleasant, but just bring it on…let’s do this thing 😉 I never thought it would be possible for me to face some of the things I have faced, or to make some of the decisions I have always wished I could make. I know there will be more to come, and I expect I will make decisions even I don’t like. But I also know by taking responsibility and action and maintaining awareness…I will be in a much better position than trying to pretend something doesn’t exist or that I am okay with something that I am not okay with.


Well said Wendy n Darlene.
In my case, even returning to the fog now n then has it’s moments of truth to delve into deeper.
The fog, the layers of the onion peeling and ripped off in some cases all reveal another aspect of wholeness.
To be seen n accepted or put aside for another tyme. We get what we can handle. If I don’t handle it then,
It’ll come around again forsure. The lessons and teachings always do. Whether I ready( in my mind) or not. My soul is always ready. The spirit always guides me, when I’m connected. When I’m not, it’s more discomfort till iam open.
Ya. The pain of recovery
Is nothing
Compared to the shame n guilt
Of unspoken truth.
Truth does set me free.



Hi Angela,
It took me a long time to sort it all out. (I guess that part of the reason for that is because so much of our though process and belief system was developed in childhood. We are trying to re program the mind of a child ~ and all of our systems were in place so we could ‘get by’ and survive.
I am very grateful today that we don’t have to be alone anymore too!
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Wendi!
I like the way that you put all this; You have highlighted some points that I didn’t highlight too, such as getting blamed for causing ‘feelings’. YAY for not pretending that something is okay with you that you are not okay with ~ me too!! And yay for your “bring it on” attitude. That is a beautiful amazing place to be!
Thanks for posting!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Eric
Oh this is so true! (all of what you have said here is so true)
I am especially fond of your ending though ~ I have to re post it!
You said:
“The pain of recovery
Is nothing
Compared to the shame n guilt
Of unspoken truth.
Truth does set me free. “

Hugs, Darlene


I can so relate – been there, done that, and have the brightly colored t-shirt. 😉

You and I should do a book tour together!




I’m still got that fog swirling around about me, but just occasionally shafts of light burst through and give me hope to keep going and find my way through and out into the sunshine


This is so true. And just like Eric, even after having been free for years, I will again find myself lost in that fog. It is indeed like peeling layers of an onion. My husband at times becomes frustrated with me, or with Father, because he says this healing seems to be an unending process. He doesn’t seem to grasp that there are many stages and layers of healing. I have grown to the point that I no longer fight the fog, but have learned to embrace it as a gift from my Father and know that it means He is working to uncover more woundings and bring me to a deeper freedom and healing. I am learning to rest near to His heart and let Him accomplish His work in me. Allowing it to happen on His timetable and not mine is still a problem at times. 🙂 The other thing that I have found to be instrumental in my growth is having a few friends of the heart that I can share my story with, and trust that they will remind me of who I am when I forget. Friends that point us to Father are such a rare blessing. Thank you for your heart and willingness to share.



I used to think my thots attacked me
That the way I felt was outta my control
That I was “depressed”
And that was outta my control
Then I bcame aware
That if “I” cud think about what “I”
Was thinking ?
Then WhO and wHeRe
Was ” I ” .
Apparently “I” am not my thots
If I can see n think abt my thots
And see how my thots make me feeL.
Then I saw I cud think what I wanted
When I wanted to
And fEEL that way too.
When “I” am aware that is.



I can so relate to this. There were times I didn’t want to come out of my fog. The fear of finding the real me scared me more than the comfort of the old ways. This happened early in my quest to find myself, but once the fear became less and the more I liked the results, the more I fought to get out of the old ways. (the fog)

I like how you used the fog as an example and it sure spoke to me.

Thank you again for a great blog. Patty


Hey Darlene…amazing how your lil adventure this morning led to such a beautifully written story of your life and overcoming…I enjoyed it alot..;)
i can so relate to not not knowing who I am..am questioning every decision I make, wondering if they would approve..or love me now! even though I know nothing I do makes a damn bit of diffence to them….you make me want to dig deeper, in my soul everyday and find who I am! very inspirational…thankyou


Thank you all for sharing your thoughts here. They are like clean clear water to this thirsty heart and mind. Thanks again


This sounds exactly like me…Ive recalled my fog as you put it…a dark cloud, but the way the people in our lives wanted us to be is so true. Wow, I need more help than I thought I did…Awesome, thanks for sharing this love ya Rhea


By becoming the family hero role that was assigned to me as a child in my family, I got completely lost in the role. I was so busy doing and fixing others that I got lost in the process. If I could “fix” you, I didn’t have to look at me. At the age of 38 when I walked into my first 12-Step program, I had no clue who I was or who I wanted to be when I grew up.

I have 4 years of college in the field of special and primary education to be a Special Education teacher. Most of my life I thought that I wanted to be a teacher. A few years into 12-Step programs, I looked at that desire to be a teacher and realized I had never wanted to be a teacher to a classroom full of kids. I do much better on a personal one-on-one level with kids. I love kids. I get along well with them one-on-one. A classroom full of kids terrify me. I realized that the school teacher was my mother’s dream, not mine. All through childhood and college, I was aiming toward fulfilling my mother’s dream, not mine. That is how lost the real me was. Today I teacher through my writing and through sharing my story and experiences one-on-one with others, not in a classroom.

When I first got into 12-Step programs, I couldn’t tell you who I was. I couldn’t tell you what I was feeling. I couldn’t tell you what my needs were or if I even had needs. All of that got lost in people pleasing. What little self-worth I had came from trying to fix your problems. I was a natural born counselor with no training other than life. I could tell you what would work for each situation as long as it wasn’t my life. In my own life, I had no clue. It hurt too much to even look at my own life.

I was so unhappy that at the age of 27, I realized that I hated my life and myself. Instead of acknowledging my hurt and its source – incest – I told my husband that I hated him. I didn’t. He is a wonderful, kind man who is also very loving and patient, otherwise we wouldn’t still be married for the past 38 years. He has many faults, so do I, so do we all and that is okay. It wasn’t my husband’s fault, I was unhappy. It was mine and the denial that I was in.

My unhappiness was from the incest and from not knowing who I was but I wasn’t ready to admit that at age 27. I went another 11 years before I could see the reality of my life. I couldn’t tell you what my needs were because as a child, I wasn’t allowed to have any. I wore so many masks, being what anyone else wanted me to be, that I had no clue who the real me was. I very definitely got lost in the fog and stayed there for too many years.


Hi Jo ~ I need the T shirt! LOL

Hi Fi ~ I remember having the fog swirling around.. and looking back, just the awareness of that was an improvement. Those shafts of light, (I think of it as punching holes in the fog) bursting through are what kept me going forward, striving for more clarity. Those bright spots were my hope, they were my confirmation that I was on the right track!
Thanks for sharing Fi!

Hi Kathy, and welcome!!
I love how you say that you “no longer fight the fog”.. I feel that way too, (although sometimes when I look “back” I realized that I still fight a little bit sometimes. Depends on how big of a layer I am dealing with I guess. =) But it is a gift, I agree.. as you say; to break out of the fog is freedom! And that is always better then bondage!
Thanks for your beautiful words, and I am really glad that you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Patty H.
I totally realte to the fear.. the fog was like a warm blanket in my mind.. it was protection! I think that for me the fear of finding the real me was about the terror that I would find out once and for all that THEY were right, that I was unworthy, unlovable, etc…. and that is dang scary. BUT as you say, the fear gets less intense as we progress and the results we get become the hope and confidence to keep going forward. So thankful to have your input here!

Hi Patty,
Thank you for your beautiful note of encouragement to me. It takes time, this process, and at first I didn’t even know that what I did didn’t make any difference to them, I kept trying harder anyway, and I kept thinking that I had to please them. Therefore even knowing that your decisions don’t make a bit of difference to them is actually a great step in this journey!

Wow, these are great comments!
Hugs, Darlene


Great post!!
I had a thought provoking moment. If it hadn’t have been for me, you would’nt have been in that sistuation of being in this mornings fog. The fog in the field is like an extra fog–more than usual. I am trying to say is “if I was already fogged out and was given more of a heap or layers of fog I would have to deal with the new crap first before I could go back to the original fog” Abusers do that–they try to add more fog to keep us in the spin so we can’t think. Then we are called stupid or repremanded for not being able to think or just being “lost in our own field”
Some of our belief systems are formed around fog. We struggle to think of the truths and where the gates are but we just can’t put our finger on it. We just can’t quite see the gate.
Thanks for giving me fog lights to help me see a little bit better, To help me see the real truths in my life. I feel your blog is like my cell phone for help–helping me to get out of the field and back on the road.


Hi Rhea,
Welcome ~ I used to be disappointed when I realized that I had a ways to go… but now I don’t mind at all, because I have come forward, and I am not as afraid of “forward” today. Forward is always WAY better in the end.
So glad you are here

Hi Patricia,
I can relate to wanting to be what my mother wanted me to be! In my case my mother wanted me to be “attractive to me”.. that was pretty much all I can think of that she pushed me towards. I used to be disappointed that no one even ever mentioned post secondary education to me… now I understand why. (but that is a whole other story) I can also relate to being a people fixer except when it came to my own life, but something really cool about that is that when I DID fix my own life, I have 100 times more positive impact on other people now, then I ever used to, and I don’t try to fix them anymore! I just share my journey. (as I know you do too!)
Thanks for sharing some of your journey in a nutshell here today! It is a process, that is for sure.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Jim!
(for the readers that don’t know, Jimmy is my husband ~ who was also one of the people who had me IN the fog and kept me spinning in the past. )
You add a whole other dimension to this blog topic! The abusers and controllers actually CAUSE the fog, and then give us heck for being in it! This is SO true! I love your gate analogy, that is exactly what happens. I also like your other analogies; the fog lights and the cell phone! Thank you for bringing up these extra points!
I think it is really super cool that you like to read and participate in my blog!! We’ve come a long way!
Hugs and Love, Darlene


as always such great post and replies. this is what it is all about. having your husband here to share in your healing and sharing what it took with you is beautiful. Though all my husbands/relationships/mates could say they were sorry for things they did, none of them are/were able to stay with the relationship to heal with me. I was the one who needed to be as far away from them as I could. I had to much healing to do to put that on any one person. Yet someday I’d love to be able to sit with each one of them and share the journey. Thank you again so much for sharing this with others.


So many posts already – which I hope to read later, but for now, just want to comment on your blogpost. I CAN SO RELATE!! For years I felt very much alone and wondered if there was anyone out there who had mothers like mine?? Who abused like mine did. Except for God leading and guiding me, I had no other human being to bounce things off of. I felt like I too was in a fog. When you share that you were looking for someone to give you permission to be you, I felt just like that. I was waiting for someone, anyone to say, “This is who you REALLY are, now be her.” But like you said, its not up to anyone else. It’s something we have to discover for ourselves and that can be SCARY. It still freaks me out – so much so that the emotional eating has taken a turn for the worst. I am genuinely scared to be who I really am – I feel vulnerable, as like a sheep among wolves. What if I let the real me out and I get devoured …… wait a minute! Sudden epiphany!! I ALREADY was devoured!! At least I almost was until I broke free from my enemy, my abuser. So why am I afraid of those who I think love and care about me, surely they will accept me for who I really am, right?? … So much to think about and process … again. And this is a good thing – a very good thing.

I see my therapist this coming Tuesday – I cant wait. Healing is not always easy – but if we doctor our wounds and watch that no ‘infection’ takes place, we can know that total healing is inevitable. And I so look forward to that.

Thank you so much Darlene … I do so love this community!!


Paulette, “So why am I afraid of those who I think love and care about me. . .” Because those that we let close enough to love us and care about us are also close enough to really hurt us very badly if we allow ourselves to be that vulnerable. Unless we take that chance and be vulnerable, no one will ever get that close to us and we will truly lose out on ever being loved. Being loved is worth the risk. Without love is life really worth living? In order to let others love us, we first have to love ourselves. I sometimes still forget this and push people away or don’t share with others when I am hurting. Thanks for asking this question and reminding me.


I have read and re-read this post and all the comments here.
For me part of the fog I think came about because of the indifference and the detached responses withing my family regarding things that were important to me as a child. When I was scared or angry, the responses in my family were either irritation at me, or poo-pooing of my feelings and my conclusions.I realize now I had to be ‘muzzled’ alot of the time.

If I stayed in a fog I didn’t have to acknowledge the fear and the apparent fact that I didn’t matter very much to my family in some very important ways. The fog let me drift around and only follow someone else’s course because I was ‘always wrong’. I learned helplessness because there was no validation.

Even as late as my 30’s I had this thought process:’If I myself think this or that, or believe this or that, I can be sure I am wrong about it, because the way I think is wrong and the way I feel is wrong.’ I often found a weird sort of safety in that because some of my memories and feelings were very disturbing. I wound up with this mindset:’If I was the one who made these conclusions then they are wrong because I am ME..’ No matter what I was wrong.

I looked to the very people who always invalidated me to give me my reality about almost everything. I learned not to steer my own ship because I had been taught my steering mechanism was faulty.I was told NOT to trust myself.

What would it mean if I was right and my feelings and memories and conclusions were correct?’ It would mean really bad things happened and it would mean I would have to acknowledge them, and that was scary to me.

My fog protected me from frightening knowledge but it also made me almost unable to function as an adult.Even now, things that cause any stress at all, are extremely hard to deal with.

But now I know that I CAN find my way out of the fog.


Hi Jackie,
I am not discounting what you have said, but I want to clarify something for the readers; When I went to therapy, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with my marriage or with my relationship with my husband. As I started to do the work that I had to do in order to heal from all the events of my past, I started to realize that I was willing to take the blame for all problems in a relationship. That was when I realized that my husband was one of my problems; that our relationship was out of balance. That mostly it was about his dreams and goals, and that I was valued as his back up program, the mother of his children, the one who ran the house and did a lot of grunt jobs that he didn’t want to do. As I began to own my self worth, I realized that I carried all the burden of the relationship and that I wanted more then that. I wanted a REAL relationship. I wanted to be equally valuable in ALL my relationships. And so we both had some work to do. I didn’t put my healing on him though. It turned out that he had just as much healing to do as I did, and we both did our own work in order to come back together. And it was hard, and it was scary and it was totally worth it! It was a whole other part of the journey.
Thanks for being here Jackie,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Paulette,
Part of the fear for me was that I was very afraid that I was not worth anyone standing by me if I drew my boundaries. After all, isn’t that part of how we are groomed for abuse? We are afraid to lose the love of the abuser if we don’t accept the treatment they offer? That is a big fear especially for a child. (and we carry that fear with us) SO.. I had the same fear about losing the other people in my life if I started to stand up for myself. My mother chose to walk away. MY MOTHER. She decided that she would rather not have me in her life, then work on a relationship with me. She decided that she didn’t want to be around the real me! I was afraid that other people would make that same choice.
I LOVE your analogy about the wounds and infection! YES !! If we doctor our wounds and watch out for infection… we can rest assured of our healing taking place! LOVE IT.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Elizabeth!
YES you can find your way out of the fog and I dare say that YOU ARE finding your way out of the fog! These comments you have shared are very insightful and show how much you are digging up that old foundation! This statement you wrote “I looked to the very people who always invalidated me to give me my reality about almost everything. I learned not to steer my own ship because I had been taught my steering mechanism was faulty. I was told NOT to trust myself.” This is a huge insight, and so are many others!
Keep sharing! I love it!
Hugs, Darlene


Sometimes I think if I really go on my quest, I’ll end up divorced.
I’m caught in between, and working on making myself be accountable to me..maybe I just have a really skewed perspective.
Dan is not a control freak.. I think the confusion lies with me as in ” What DO I want, anyway”
I am not sure..
I’ve always “been there” for my family..I feel on the verge of change..haven’t got there yet..


Vivian, it is only through the miracle of patience and love that my husband didn’t divorce me several times during this long difficult journey of healing. I was hell to live with for about 4 years when I was getting in touch with my rage before I learned how to control it rather than it controlling me.


Hi Vivian,
This is such a valid fear Vivian, I totally understand. Sometimes I think that the Quest, took me! It was just time for me to “go all the way with my healing” ~ it was just time for me to find out what I wanted, and along that way I found some unexpected surprises. There have been lots of “on the verge” times for me… maybe more to come, and each of them brings change that I still often fear, but the thing that never changes is that what I fear happening is never as bad as I think it will be. And the price that I pay for my wholeness is always way more then worth it!
Thank you for sharing. This is a fear that many of us have to face. I had to face it, more then once. =)
Love Darlene


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[…] in mind that this is not an exercise in negative self talk or in adding shame or guilt to our already sensitive belief systems, and in the spirit of empowering […]


The idea of waking up from the fog is so seductive, it almost gives me hope. Then I realize that I have let it run me for so much of my life that I’ve lost so much time that I will never have back. I know I waste more by staying in it even after I know it exists, but I have isolated myself for so long–apologizing for taking up space in the world–that I don’t have anywhere to turn to find a way out of that fog. It’s terribly frightening.


Lisa, please let us share our hope with you until you can find your own. Healing is possible. You are not alone. Keep reading this blog and others that offer support and encouragement. Start talking here if you don’t have anybody that you can trust with your pain in person. Talking helps you to see new options. It also gives you a small amount of release from the pressure of holding in your secrets. As you can tell from the comments here and on others of Darlene’s posts, your secrets won’t drive any of us away. We have all been where you are, feeling stuck in the pain, the darkness and the fear of our own secrets. Ladies, I am speaking for all of us when I say, “We are here for you, Lisa. Hold on. Don’t give up. You are worth it. We all are.”


You remind me of so many thoughts and fears that I had.. but I remember the day when I realized that I still had the REST of my life to live and that I could live it fully! I think I was 45 years old that day but I felt 26. I think some of those old thoughts just revealed my fears at a deeper level. My real question was more about if I could ever believe that I deserved to really live. I wasn’t sure if I would really OWN that truth for myself. But I did.

I have lots more to say, but Patricia said the rest for me!!! Patricia is so right. (and thank you so much for posting this for Lisa, Patricia!)
Hugs to you both! Darlene


It is never tooooo late to change for the better.
I’m 44. Was clean and sober for 12 yrs and Kikn around relapse and sobriety the last 4. Outta 20 yrs I’ve been sober for abt 15 of em. I was sexually abused by a teacher for 5 yrs and he’s now in jail becus I started a lawsuit 5yrs ago and was in the press and more camee fwd and he was charged again. And pled guilty again. And another lawsuit of the same school board was started, from another abuser, because someone else saw my articles too. So total abt 27 lawsuits now behind me.
You never know Lisa what the outcome of our lives may be !
As far as we’ve gone in one direction, we are capable of going in the other.
Time and age add more experience and wisdom.
Your story will absolutely help another. That’s a forsure.
God does not make garbage and he has a plan for everyone that has gone thru abuse, no matter what god u believe in. This forum is a power greater than myself, and is saving lives daily. Aren’t we Soooo lucky !!
We can chat w and get pointers and focus any time we want. I’m never alone, I’ve a world of people that care, just a click away, in my case, ON my phoNe… It’s better than any one therapist tailin me around all day. I get the op to chat w endless peeps anytime I want.
All I have to do is say,
” I want some help “


Thank you for sharing your hope and inspiration;
It is wonderful to see so much willingness to support each other on this blog! Hugs, Darlene


Thank you all for your encouragement and support. Darlene, I think I am in that place you describe…not knowing if I can ever believe I deserve to really live. I have no husband or children to motivate me out of this mess (nor to add to it…). I have tried so hard for so long to get out of this mess that I’m afraid that no matter how I try, the fog just seems to deepen. And working to pull it apart takes so much energy that I don’t seem to have! Anyway, I will keep reading and posting and hoping to find that motivation to pull myself up. Thanks again.


Hi Lisa,
I personally was not motivated by my husband at all. In fact I would say that he motivated me to fight IN SPITE of him. He liked me depressed. It was easier to control me that way. (he has come a long way too) I was motivated by my children, (because I wanted something better then what I had and I knew the cycle would only repeat) but only for a time, and then I did it for me. I am not sure how I transfered from being motivated by my kids to doing it for me, but it was far better and healthier when I began to want recovery for myself. I guess I began to see it like this; I can’t live this way anymore.. so I have to find a new way. No one is going to do it for me.. so I guess I better bite the bullet and do it myself. That sounds easier then it was. It was really hard.. but the most important thing looking back on it now is that I started!
Hugs, Darlene


Lisa, what motivated me to change was that I was tired of hurting. I was tired of being unhappy and hating myself. My husband liked some aspects of me being unhealthy better than he did me becoming healthier. When I was unhealthy, he could have sex on demand. I never said no. I did my wifely duty. I didn’t know I had the right to say no to sex when I wasn’t interested or didn’t feel well.

To be fair to my husband, he has always gone out of his way to make sure that I enjoyed our sex life and had orgasms. Some people would say that was a blessing and would wonder why I would even think about saying no to that. It isn’t the physical side of sex that I have ever had a problem with as far as my marriage was concerned. My husband is so different than having sex with my dad against my will. [Darlene, I hope I am not getting too personal here. I haven’t shared this before with anyone. If I am, you can delete my whole comment, if you want to.] My husband taught me that there is pleasure in sex and that both partners should benefit from the act, not just one. My husband cares that much about me.

Back to the point I was headed toward. For the first few years after I got into recovery, I said no to sex a lot with my husband because of the feelings of disgust that I felt as the emotions rose from that long buried place that I had stuffed them into as a child who couldn’t deal with the abuse and as the young adult who simply wanted to forget and who thought if I could deny the incest happened then the pain would go away. When I got in touch with my rage for the four years that I couldn’t hold in the rage or ignore it anymore, I said no a lot. Only my husband’s love and patience kept us together during that time.

Even today, my husband doesn’t understand why if it feels good to me why would I say no. I wish the emotional stuff was as easy to change as the physical. It isn’t or it hasn’t been for me. Sometimes today, I will occasionally say yes to sex with my husband when I am not really interested just because I do love him too. It is called compromise.

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