Lonely Holidays and the Lie that “You Reap what You Sow”By
I get nasty emails from upset mothers who think I am a spoiled trouble maker whining about some fictional terrible upbringing and discounting my right to tell my own story. The truth about what I am really doing is all right here in writing. I started Emerging from Broken because I wanted to heal the world. That may have been a lofty goal but I sincerely wanted to make a difference in the lives of other hurting adult children of dysfunctional, controlling and manipulating families. I wanted to bust through the false messages about ourselves that so many of us were struggling to accept instead of to reject.
I remember my mother saying to me that she didn’t know what she did to ‘deserve’ a daughter like me. (She may have used different words like “I don’t know what I did to deserve ‘this’ but the message was the same and it’s the message that does the damage. ) She said it as a judgment; she said it with exhaustion, despair and frustration as though she was at the end of her rope, exasperated by my actions and my attitudes; exasperated with me. And I felt so bad that I was such a disappointment to her. In the past I never questioned that it was me, I just tried harder to be the daughter that she ‘deserved’ and the daughter that would make her proud and maybe the daughter that would be good enough for her to finally love. Really I just wanted her to love and approve of me.
But when I came out of the fog I had been groomed to be in for most of my life, and started to question my beliefs about myself and the blame I placed on myself, I looked at her statement through new eyes. I started looking into just what she/they did to deserve the trouble she had in her relationship with me. I started to look at the details of the message her actions communicated to me about me.
Emerging from Broken (this website) isn’t about blaming blameless parents for the mistakes that they made. It isn’t about being mad because when I was a teenager my mom didn’t let me go to the school dance or because I got grounded for smoking. It isn’t about not getting my own way and not being allowed to use her car when I was learning to drive, it’s about being told in all kinds of verbal and non-verbal ways that I was not good enough. This website is about the fact that I had been given the message that I was a disappointment. It is about the way that I got broken down and the way that my self-esteem was formed (and deformed) and the damage of having lived under false definitions of love and respect.
Emerging from Broken is about self-validation after years of invalidation.
Emerging from Broken is about how I took my life back. It is about finding me and embracing myself and my rights as a human being. It is about embracing the truth about who I am (NOT who I was told I was) through discovering how I was not empowered to be who I am in the first place because it was through looking at all that that I was able to come out of the lies and emerge into the freedom of life in the sunshine of truth.
I emerged into the sunshine of truth by asking myself some key questions;
Did I reap what I had sown? And if so, HOW? What did I do that was so bad? Was it me who had caused the problems in my family? I was a kid when it all began so how could I have been the problem? I started to wonder why no one told my mother that SHE reaped what SHE had sown. I started to wonder about the truth in all of this; WHY was it my fault? Why did everyone want to blame me? Why was I told that I made my bed and now I had to lay in it?? What the hell did I do that was so wrong? My family taught me how to respond to things. My parents communicated to me who I was and how lacking I was. But does that make them right? Who actually made the bed that I was laying in? Was it really ME?
Did I really exasperate my mother? Was her exasperation really my fault and if so HOW and where did it start? Was there any truth to her question “what did I do to deserve this?” and if so, what is the focus of that truth? Perhaps as a parent she reaped what she had sown.
It was the answers ~ THE TRUTHFUL answers to some of those questions that got me started on the road to healing.
I was a quiet, moody and sometimes sullen child (or so I was told, all I remember is that I wasn’t very happy) but there was a reason for it. I wasn’t born that way. It wasn’t my personality. Something happened to me that caused me to be unhappy. And it was the resulting false messages that I got about me that were stuck in my belief system that kept me unhappy.
This was not my fault.
Knowing that being broken wasn’t my fault~ even just a glimpse of that truth was the beginning of my recovery. Then, armed with that tiny glimmer of truth, I was strong enough to move forward just a bit more. I kept looking for those false messages, examining them for the truth or the lies. Looking at the roots, looking at the belief, looking at the truth…. And so on and so on… rinse and repeat.
This wasn’t my fault, but it was up to me to get to the other side of broken and that is what Emerging from Broken is all about. It’s about moving forward.
So now when I get nasty emails from upset mothers who think I am a spoiled trouble maker whining about some fictional terrible upbringing and discounting my right to tell my own story, I remind myself that the truth about what I am really doing is all right here in writing. I started Emerging from Broken because I wanted to heal the world. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of other hurting adult children from dysfunctional, controlling, abusive and manipulating families. I wanted to bust through the false messages that so many of us have about ourselves so that a greater majority of survivors of that dysfunctional family environment could move forward and live!
I didn’t make the bed that I had to lay in as a child, but I certainly have made a wonderful new bed for myself now! Doing this work for myself is the only action that finally set me free to be me!
My heart and my love are here in this site. It is for you. Each of you makes a difference to the success of this website and with each new truth discovered and embraced, there is a ripple effect going out into the world. Together we make a huge difference in healing the broken hearts! Thank you all for sharing my articles through different social media and for clicking the like button. Thank you all for your comments and for the donations that pay for the upkeep and continued publication of this site. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for helping me to achieve my goal of carrying the hope for healing and embracing life to the fullest to a broken and hurting world.
This year think about what you really deserve; I finally have what I deserve; a life full of love, mutual respect and equal value, freedom, wholeness, peace and joy.
To sowing some new seeds and reaping the most awesome rewards ~Happy New Year to each and every one!
The Emerging from Broken BOOK is now available. You can get a copy of the EFB book by clicking the book image in the upper right side bar here or click this book title “Emerging from Broken ~ The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”.