Feb
07

Is Trust a Necessary Key to Emotional Healing?

By

trust and emotional healing

Mutual Trust

I didn’t have to learn how to trust in order to heal.  In fact if trust had been the criteria or even part of the requirement for healing, I may not have ever achieved emotional healing.  I had to take a few chances, I had to reveal a few secrets and take the chance that doing that might have negative results, but honestly, looking back over it, I didn’t actually have to trust.

I didn’t trust anyone when I began this journey. I had learned that trust was a dangerous thing to do. I got by alright without trust.

There are different ways to look at this I suppose. Two of my children were born via cesarean section.  I suppose that it could be assumed that I had to trust that the surgeon would do the job right, but the truth is that I had no choice. It was either let him do the surgery, or die. That was not the same as putting my trust in him. In this same way as a child I had no choice but to “trust” that the adults in my life were doing the best that they could too. Rebelling against them surely meant death.  I accepted their wishes and for the most part complied with what they wished from me. But that is not exactly trust in the way that we think of it as adults. Through my childhood and the way that I was so ill regarded, I learned a false definition of trust.

You don’t have to trust me. I believe that I am trust worthy, but how would you know that for yourself? I have had a few angry people on this website, so you may be able to find people that would suggest that you should NOT trust me.  It doesn’t really matter though because trusting me is not the key. I have very intentionally written the articles in this website to inspire HOPE for healing without trying to convince anyone that they have to “trust me” in order to achieve emotional healing. I write the way that I speak trying to communicate that this process is what worked for me. The things I write about are the processes and insights that have worked for me in my emotional growth and healing processes and that is all I can convey to the reader.  I let my work speak for itself, but you have a choice about how you feel or react towards what I present here.

I had to think about what “trust” meant to me. Trusting meant that I believed this “new person” would not invalidate me like I had been invalidated for most of my life. The problem was; how could I do that when invalidation was so much of what I had been raised on? I was used to it. It was familiar and comfortable.  How was I to believe that the next person (who had an answer for me) was going to be any different in the way they regarded me?

For me, having to “trust” someone else in the healing process produced further anxiety and fear. So I thought about “why do I have to trust??” The truth is that I don’t have to trust.

All that I needed in the beginning was the hope that I could recover and heal from the past. I had a glimmer of hope that I could overcome depressions and dissociative issues.  I had an inkling that I might find healing if I faced the reasons why I had so many trust issues. As always, it was at the roots of the damage where I found the keys to freedom.  

I gave myself permission NOT to trust until I had good reason to trust. I trusted people a little bit at a time when they continued to prove themselves trustworthy. People earned my trust when they treated me with respect and equal value. When people invalidated me or treated me as though I were beneath them, that was when I knew NOT to trust them. Those people are no longer worthy of my trust.  

I learned to trust myself way before I learned to trust anyone else. I learned to trust myself by realizing all the lies that I had come to believe about myself and setting the truth straight. I was convinced by the actions and inactions of others that I was invalid and unworthy of love and that was what I knew as truth. Invalidation was all I knew. Empowerment and validation of my human worth had not been taught to me. I trusted that I could face the truth about how that happened and I faced it one step at a time. Through that process, I began to trust that I could learn to love myself and I trusted that I could learn to take care of my own needs. 

I began to trust myself when I started to change the way that I regarded me. I no longer regard myself the way “they” taught me to regard myself.

It was when I achieved some progress in self love and self trust that I was finally able to trust a few other people in my life because once I trusted myself, it wasn’t such a big risk to trust others. As I grew stronger, I knew that I could protect myself if someone violated my trust. I knew that I could stand up to that kind of invalidation. I knew that I could be there for me. I was no longer a victim of the world and its people.

Today I know that “trust” was not a key in the healing process.  I didn’t trust most of the people who helped me. I gave myself permission NOT to trust which gave me the freedom to move forward without the usual fears I had when I was with other people.  I had to go through the process of trial and error. I had to take those little steps forward, testing the foundation, testing the waters, checking my feelings and asking myself if I was safe and if I didn’t feel safe was that a real feeling or a belief system leftover feeling? 

This has been a big part of the process of “Emerging from Broken”.

Please feel welcome to share your thoughts in the comments here. Please remember that the name you use in the comment form will be the name the other readers will see therefore you are welcome to use any name you wish here. (first name only, or even a fake name) Your email address (which is only asked for to validate that you are a real person) will remain private.

There is freedom on the other side of broken,

Darlene Ouimet

Please visit “Emerging from Broken” on Facebook ~ although EFB has an active facebook page, your comments here will not be published there.

Categories : Freedom & Wholeness

47 Comments

1

Darlene, The part of seeking therapy that always bothered me the most was the kind of trust psychologists and psychiatrists ask for. The only one I give that kind of trust is God. They would probably say that the reason they couldn’t help me very much was that I didn’t give them that trust but I think I gave them too much trust and I’m glad I didn’t give them the trust I give to God. I think of trust as a savings account and a person who wants to have a relationship with me must make deposits in that account over a period of time and those regular deposits represent the amount of trust I give them. If they break that trust, them some or all of those deposits are withdrawn. At that point, I may choose to close the account or allow them to start over by making regular deposits.

What I share or don’t share about my life and the abuse I’ve suffered is up to me to decided. The only thing I don’t want to continue doing is to protect my abusers and continue to carry their shame and guilt, by remaining silent. I don’t think most people want to hear about the sexual abuse that happened to me, it’s repugnant and I’m sure some people don’t want that picture in their head but if they are going to be a close friend, they need to accept and understand what happened to me. What happened to me happened during the time in my life when my personality was still developing and it is a part of who I am. I rejected that little girl (that was shattered into many little girls) for a long time but now I’ve embraced her and I love her. Anyone who says they love me, must love and accept her too. I want to get to the point where I can talk about my sexual abuse in front of a whole room full of strangers, if I choose to do so. I also, want to retain the right to remain sient if I choose to. I had little power to prevent the things that happened to me back then and part of taking that power now means choosing when, where, and to whom I reveal my past. There aren’t many people that I trust and all the trust I give to other human beings has limits. I do trust God and when I choose to reveal the things that happened to me, I am trusting Him and the power He’s given me to govern my life, not the people I reveal my past to. It’s the best way I know of to not be made a victim again. I can’t control what others do and I can’t tell just by looking if they are trust-worthy but I can put my trust in God and me, while I tally the deposits they make in the trust account that is a prerequisit for relationship.

Pam

2

Thanks for the hope Darlene and putting it so understandably-permission NOT to trust.

3

Trust was not one of my first issues to be looked at either. Trust for me comes slowly. There are some people who have earned my trust and some who will never get it and that is as it should be. I was slower to learn to trust women because all of the important women in my childhood were judgmental. I also had to learn to trust myself before I could trust anyone. It was a very slow process.

4

I would have to say that trust has been – and continues to be – a big deal for me. I have not been put in the position of therapists expecting me to trust them on first meeting them – I would not be able to do that anyway. Trust – like respect – has to be earned. Lets face it, too many people who SHOULD have been trustworthy in our lives have proved to be completely false.
I have been let down – not just by family, but others who really had a duty of care towards me, as a child and adolescent. It continued as a young adult. Even as recently as 3 yrs ago I had people I counted as friends let me down when I needed them the most. SO I have had to learn who I can trust – what that looks/feels like – what ARE my gut feelings – and why I have over-ridden them in the past. Recognising the root of this has been tough – and tougher still learning HOW to do things differently now that I know this. Self trust is the base-line – Trust that I AM worthy, that I DESERVE to be treated with respect, kindness and consideration. That I DO have rights. And now I know that therapists and others are required to behave decently and not abuse my fragile trust…. If they do, there will be consequences – I will remove myself from their circle.
I agree trust is not a key requirement to start healing – but I think it does help. I had to develop trust in my therapists – got a meeting with a new one on Thursday this week and who I have a lot of anxiety about. This comes about because someone I had been seeing for some time has retired and recommended this new person as her successor – but…..the new therapist is male, and that raises huge concerns for me. So – do I believe my old (faulty) thinking, – or my previous therapist that I am ready to do this? OR do I just chicken out and run for the hills??? OR give the guy and chance and see how I feel in a few weeks???
By now I am familiar with my ambivalence in this situation, and its roots – I have come this far by suspending my trust/suspicion and going with the flow when I am in a safe environment to do so. I would go so far to say that by doing this I have developed MORE trust in myself and my ability to heal, to cope.

5

Thanks for the article about trust. After 10 years of marriage, my husband and I went to counseling with the chief complaint that I could not trust. I said, “I trust you as much as I can trust anybody.” I will admit that I don’t trust anyone at all. My measure of trust for my husband has not increased. Oh, and what Pam says, it is so true that those in the psych profession ask clients to trust them. I don’t trust myself in many ways but I respect my own instinct, intuition, insight more than ever. Glad to hear that learning to trust is not a condition of healing.

6

Hi Pam
Yes. I think that we have the wrong definition of trust in the first place. There is a lot of manipulation around that word through out the whole world. And lots of baggage too.
Just from reading these first 5 comments I have ideas for more articles about this topic!
Hugs and thanks for sharing!
Darlene

Hi Fai
I had a lot of “permission” things to get through! Thanks for your support!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Patricia
Great comments. Reminds me of all the inconsistency that we grew up with too. (judgement is moody)
Hugs, Darlene

7

Hi Libby
I have been abused by therapists so that would not have worked for me either. I think a huge problem with trust is that we are brainwashed into thinking trust has something to do with acceptance or love (for the other person). That is part of any grooming process.
About your question, here is what I do now when I feel unsure about a situation; I ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen. Then I ask myself what I am willing to do about it ~ for instance call the police and press charges or tell the person that they are not working out for me, or whatever. I make a few “plans” for the “just in case scenarios”. You could as for an interview time and prepare questions about this person’s opinions and reactions to certain issues before you agree to go to that person as a therapist. Trusting myself is about knowing that I can take care of me and that I am willing to stand up FOR me.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Lynn
I didn’t trust my husband either but it was suddenly when I came out “of the fog” and realized that he put himself (or his business) before me in many circumstances. He was really upset to realize that I had some trust issues, in fact it drove him nuts and we fought over it. But he had trust confused with love, and his actions (putting the biz before me) did not show love either… we had to get both words sorted out. It was not only because of the abuse of my past in my case. In the end, He realized WHY I didn’t totally trust him and it was okay and he knew he has stuff to work on too~
Trust was never part of the requirement for us to get our marriage sorted out. (today I do trust him! We did a lot of healing work to get here!)
great to hear from you!
Hugs, Darlene

8

I found this article to be very helpful and informative. As I have said on Facebook, I am beginning my healing process over again. I started once before, but the trust I put in to a therapist/psychiatrist turned to be very misplaced. I ended up getting hurt further rather than healing. I have tried to avoid the psychiatrists/therapist setting because I find it to be difficult to place myself into that position again.
This article on trust has put some of my issues into a different perspective. Thank you for broadening my perspective.

9

Hi Razz
Welcome to EFB
Professionals are just people. Many of them are not trustworthy!
Glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

10

Hi Darlene,

I agree with you completely. I’ve adopt a medium ground like you. I don’t trust or mistrust. Trusting a little at a time is a truly balanced approach, that is based on reality.

Thank you!
Diane

11

Hi Diane
Welcome to EFB! Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

12

wow, again darlene. you hit the nail on the head with this thing called trust. the thing that takes so long to build but is so easily destroyed.
as a child and into young adulthood, i had the idea that there was nothing a stranger could do to hurt me as my family had already hurt me so much. i was wrong about that, but that was because i held onto the ones that abused me mentally and verbally yet then did the same to the mext person. my personal relationships where all over the shot. i drank so i didnt have to make choices that others expected of me. i drank to sleep so i didnt have to face a world where those who said they loved me hurt me so bad. even now i havent been able to overcome this issue, but is a work in progress.
when i found this site, years ago now, i was in so much turmoil as to what and how i was meant to behave in relation to my mother and other people who thought they could manlipulate me to take the blame for things i knew to be the fault of others, and that discount my life experinces, because they didnt match what they wanted from me. the validation i found here gave the strength to stick to my guns and if i knew i was wrong to say i was wrong, to admit if i was unsure and yet to be able to fight for my version of what happened to me. to be able to state me opinions and be able to let others have theirs has been hard, especially when it involves discounting somebodies experinces, usually mine. but i have ben able to grow and know i am letting things in without being aware now. my awareness stick that used to beat me is now help to block the blows the past still tries to send my way.
my old motto of ‘ that offence is the best form of defence’ stood me in good stead, when it was needed as a sheild. now im older and hopefully a little wiser and am moving towards better times. well once i crack those last few issues anyways

13

In all truth, looking at the experiences that I had with psychologists and counselors, I can pretty much say with clarity, that I could NOT trust them to know what was best for me. I wanted them to know, and I expected them to know, but they never did. I am not blaming them for being insincere or faulty. I am saying that I had to learn to trust myself to know what I needed to do. I was/am the only one who can make the best decisions for me. Darlene, you have been such a strong advocate for individual freedom and trusting in our individual voice and insight as being worthy. Thank you for being here.

14

Darlene,

Thank you for this. It was just what I needed to read. For me at this exact moment, the most important thing I took from this was learning to trust myself. To trust my instincts. It has just come to my attention that I have been the victim of RA (cultish) in addition the rest of the abuses and certainly making sure I never trusted my own perception or instincts was par for the course. Funny thing is, I didn’t lose those instincts, I just ignored them with the thought that I must have been wrong. My healing journey today is a matter of going back to my childhood and reclaiming them so that I can put them to good use today.

Like you, I don’t trust people easily or quickly either. I think I am one of those people who keep a scorecard. Burn me once, cover it with lies, and I’m done with you. I think part of the issue with trust is that it is also confused with the false teachings surrounding Christian forgiveness today. By false teaching I mean, forgive offenses from other Christians even though they are unrepentant. Just let it slide. If you don’t then you are judging. Of course, this tactic is part of Spiritual Abuse implemented into my life early on. If only more people would read their Bible, they would not fall into this. I gave a lot of my life away to it, that’s for sure. But no more.

Hope everyone is well.
Jen

15

Hi Carol
Thanks for sharing, glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Robert
Thank you! It was really important for me to learn that degrees and titles don’t make someone a great person and they don’t give someone all the answers either. Some people go after certain jobs because they want that positional power more than the want to help someone else.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Jen
I think I lost a lot of my instincts because I ignored them for so long! But I got them back through healing.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

16

Jen, I so agree with you about false teachings regarding forgiveness and I think it fits here so well as the way I’ve had it used against me actually confuses forgiveness with trust. It is possible to forgive and withhold trust. I forgive my parents but they won’t take responsibility for their actions. I can’t give them trust and there can be no healthy parent/child relationship without trust. They don’t trust me either because they know I’m not like my sister and brother and that I remember a lot about my childhood. They’ve done a good job of deflecting and much of what I remember has never been talked about. However, they are afraid of what I remember. It’s horrible to be together. There’s absolutely nothing to say after, “hi, how are you?”. I haven’t been able to look my dad in the eye for decades. I forgive them because I think they are very sick but they can’t get well unless they take responsibility for their behavior. I believe that holding them accountable is the loving thing to do. There are plenty who disagree with me on this but I apply the same boundaries to relationship that God does. I think my point of view is the Biblical one and the other form of cheap, easy forgiveness is very unbiblical.

Pam

17

Darlene, until this post, I thought there was a defect in my healing process because I do not learn to trust. Your perspective sure gave me something to think about. I do concentrate on the ways that my husband shows me he is trustworthy. My family of origin did not exactly teach me to trust. In fact, it’s like they deliberately taught me that you can’t trust anyone. Oh, the phrases I heard from my parents regarding relatives: “She will rob you blind.” “He will stab you in the back.” “She is two-faced.” “He is a conniving SOB.” “She is a cunning B.” “Can’t trust him as far as you can throw a rope, a snake, a…” “Watch your back, she’ll turn on you like a dime.” [What child can understand THAT phrase.} And the confusion over what was safe to say to whom when. IE My mother would say, “Don’t say anything to Aunt Susie about ______. She’s really sensitive…” The family and their phrases controlled who I spoke to than to announce everyone else’s’ untrustworthiness. I have a rough draft of an essay re: trust waiting for my blog. I think the post remained unfinished because I had never considered the perspective you provide. Now I have a missing piece. Cheers! Lynn

18

Hi Lynn
Oh yes… great points and great reminders about all those sayings! Total mixed messages that get STUCK in our young minds! They colour our whole lives. We are taught not to trust in SO many ways! and then reprimanded for it and then trust is demanded often by the very people who taught us not to trust in the first place.
I was thinking this morning about being told by a therapist that I had to trust him or “it” wasn’t going to work. (I didn’t trust him but I didn’t tell him that”) I was wondering WHY I had to trust him in order for it to work?? Really I just needed a little faith in the process ~ but trust him??? doesn’t make sense to me anymore! It is the false definition of trust!
Hugs, Darlene

19

Hi All!
I just published a new post ~ this one is a little different ~ I wrote it to myself in 2007 when I was only part way out of the fog of dysfunction! I was trying to convince myself that going forward with healing was worth it and I disguised that fear in a little pep talk about gardening. Hope you like it!
Hugs, Darlene

20

After reading the post and most of the comments I see that trust is a choice. There are as many definitions of trust as there are experiences leading to those definitions. By necessity survivors of abuse run relationships new and old through our trust algorithm. Therapists, spouses, bosses, new neighbors, old friends, family, clergy, and church leaders. Like some of the others I had to withdraw trust from a psychiatrist because I confirmed what I suspected. He did not believe I had RA abuse. He thought my memories were delusions. No more psychiatrist, meds cut back to a low dose anti-depressant in the winter prescribed by my family doctor. Since I have no insurance I won’t even see him again until June. Because of no insurance I am limited on obtaining therapy.
I quit trusting my therapist for a while because I wasn’t sure what I wanted and needed was going to match up with her skills and her opinion. I asked questions about her of a former client of hers that I know and spent time in prayer asking for guidance. I have DID as a result of the RA and a part of the “job” of the system is keep everyone safe and to keep the system going. My system has constantly sabotaged me. In a sense I can’t even completely trust “myselves” in this healing process. I can barely keep a job and work low level jobs because of the stress of keeping it due to interference from my alters. I had to choose to go back to see this therapist even though I barely had any trust. I found a way to open up by writing things down and reading them to her in spite of the “no, no, no” going on inside. I am glad I did this…we have uncovered some things about my system that we can work on. Unfortunately she has decided to take a thing called a vacation and go see her grandchildren clear across the country…so I have to wait. But its ok because I know she needs the break…after all she is human!

21

Hi Sojourner!
Thanks for sharing. I find that trust is way more a choice today than it used to be. I think I said I trusted way more then I ever really did in the past.
Hugs, Darlene

22

Hey Darlene,I read your new post and commented but I think comment 19 spoke to me the most. I think that is where I am right now. I’ve been feeling a lot of grief this week. I thought I was past it but I guess not. I’ve also, been feeling so weary of it but now I see that is just one stage in the process. Thanks.

Love,
Pam

23

Hi Pam
I have times like that too. And I always feel “disapointed” that what I thought was past isn’t. That certain things have to be faced “again” sometimes. And sometimes I feel exhausted! I think that is normal in this healing process.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

24

[…] doesn’t matter anymore if other people hear me or not since I started to learn to hear myself. I don’t need those dysfunctional manipulative people to hear me or agree with me anymore.  I […]

25

Hi Darlene,

I ran across an excellent article recently on the subject of self-trust which is really helping me a lot!

Here is the link for anyone that is interested:

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:tTO0RRG35A4J:www.frumi.com/images/uploads/TrustYourself.pdf+how+to+trust+yourself&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESgUWuNXQ5fJnXBEWL-_Lt6qrlYgoOJr9c9YFzCWICTkk6yG_KOK5SGgl9VqJYSOyvUn9FlCtIsGhHUGcI_YU8eHc5_vUkF-LwVWYtReAY28l6cDlXOhcSr07TidKSum0jBZAIVn&sig=AHIEtbSFH1Sh9x8PuiOUv23ffOclMUgHfw

I am in a state of a major transition right now in my life, and rather than just plow forward and push my feelings aside (which is what I did in the past), I am making the conscious decision to remain *present* with myself and my feelings during this process.

The benefits of self-trust is helping me to remain (somewhat) calm through this and not get all freaked-out and make any more major, unhealthy decisions in my life!

I am learning that I already have exactly what I need to get through this and it has been there all along. I just have to trust and rely on my own judgement about my own reality and not be swayed by any and all external forces and influences – past, present and future.

I guess, in a way, it is actually a new identity I am in the process of fostering and adopting for myself. I’m feeling that the PRIMARY label of victim/survivor (though 100% legitimate) isn’t serving me anymore and of course this begs the question…Who Am I Going To Me…NOW?

I haven’t quite figured that one out yet, but I have no doubt that I will…and I don’t think that would be possible if I didn’t just recently realize that self-trust beats at the very heart of it.

Thanks for letting me share ~ 🙂

26

Hi Brenda,
Excellent comments! I had that fear… or anxiety about “who was I going to be now”. (I have written about it in this site) but like other things that answer came as a result of going forward and doing this work!
Thank you so much for these inspiring comments!
Hugs, Darlene
(I can’t get the link to work )

27

Hi Darlene,

Do you know off-hand the particular blog you mentioned when you were going through “who was I going to be now”? If so, would you mind providing me with that link?

As far as the link I provided above, Sorry it didn’t work. It is in .pdf format, so maybe that is the snag? Anyway, it was an excellent and lengthy review for the book:
“Trusting Yourself: How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed and Live More Happily with Less Effort” by M. J. Ryan

Here is the amazon link, FYI: http://www.amazon.com/Trusting-Yourself-Feeling-Overwhelmed-Happily/dp/0767914902

I noticed that it does have the option to “Click to LOOK INSIDE”, so that maybe helpful.

Ryan talks about how self-trust has become a lost art/virtue. How it seems that we are always looking for the answers outside of ourselves etc. I find it a rare and refreshing topic and am glad that she has addressed it!

Some of the reviews are less than 5 stars, but I think for people who have had a very difficult/abusive/traumatic upbringing, it could indeed be very useful information.

28

Hi Brenda,
Here is the link to my post “who am I ~ will I like me?
http://emergingfrombroken.com/who-am-i-will-i-like-me/

If you are looking for anything in particluar, click on the “tags” words in the “tag cloud” on the bottom right sidebar. Sometimes that helps!

Hugs, Darlene

29

The Tag Cloud! DOH – Thanks Darlene! 🙂

30

Wow thanks i always wondered why I had such a hard time trusting….and self trust seemed impossible, being told that I was wrong or something wrong with me for feeling, thinking as I did…I found that my gut instinct was right but it was almost like I went in the opposite direction…. I still dont fully understand what that was about..when I met my ex partner I had a gut instinct that he would not get me or see me but because of that I was compulsive in needing to win his love….which was impossible in the end…and ended in so much pain.. Im finally free of a lot of the pain but I still have self doubt as he is with someone and inside my head a voice says “hes with her because she is a more together person” despite this before we separated he said ..”I love you cause you are you and not like anyone else” within two weeks it had turned around and he was calling me names…thanks for reminding me that trust needs to be earned.. and thanks Pam for your bank deposit analogy.. its makes so much sense.

31

Wow, this post really hit home for me. I have always given trust too easily. In reality, it was just my lack of self esteem pushing me to “trust” those I knew I really shouldn’t. So in my healing, I have had to allow myself to NOT trust, because to me, requiring someone to really earn trust is equivalent to trusting myself.

But one of my biggest fears has been that I don’t know if I will ever be able to really trust people again. And that’s what hit home about this article. I am hearing you say that I don’t have to worry about that. Which is a very freeing thing to hear.

Thank you!

32

Hi Laurie!
It takes the pressure off doesn’t it?? I can’t tell you how many times I thougth I would have to trust someone in order to heal and my heart would just sink. Those words “trust me” had been used against me so many times… they had been the set up for many types of abuse. What a relief that I didn’t have to! (and today I actually can trust, because I trust me! )
Hugs, Darlene

33

Yes it really does. 🙂 And learning to trust myself is an ongoing process. It has meant facing the reality of what others are, learning to hold my own in the face of pressure, not worrying about what others think of me, self-forgiveness (rather than self-blame) for deluding myself in the past, and accepting current failures as ‘doing my best’.

34

Darlene, after reading this post, you got me to thinking about self-trust and trusting others and some of the things that I have learned. I sat down and sorted out my thoughts in a post of my own which you will find at the following link:

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/03/trust-is-earned-not-freely-given.html

35

I am finding more and more relief when I come to this site and read the postings of both the article plus the comments. Today I found myself relating a lot to Pam, who posted about her parents. My situation was similar in that my father knew I knew what had happened to my mother while growing up in their household. Plus the fact that he was able to get one of moms’ sister to side with him along with having his sister cover a few things up. I’ve had my trust broken by a couple therapists and am thankful for finding this site. It now looks like I am able to start letting go and forgive in ways that I was not able to do before either subconsciously or consciously. It is such a relief to be able to let go of the mistreatments. Now, I must do my best to re-train myself with help of the people from this website and hopefully with the new therapist that I will be seeing in a couple of weeks. My perspective is changing for the better and I have Darlene and others here who comment for that new perspective.

Thanks for sharing and allowing me to share back.

36

Hi Faith!
YAY for a changing perspective! That is great! Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

37

Wow – It has been very interesting to re-read this post a month later…So much has been going on.
I have been really thinking about trust – since my first session with the new therapist. Interesting.
After that session I was off the wall – for days – completely de-stabilised all over again, very freaked out.And then I got mad. REALLY mad!
I had trusted the previous therapist – I had had to work through some boundary issues with her and then we had gotten down to work. She urged me to try working with this man – she had trained him and was his supervisor – she rated him highly. She threw down the gauntlet ad challenged me to work with a man. On paper he has strings of qualifications, lots of published work… and I am really uncomfortable. I am aware of my habitual ambivalence towards the change (actually ANY change), but everything in me is screaming NOoooooo!
So the trust thing: Do I listen to myself – listen to my guts? Bearing in mind that when I have ignored my gut instincts I have gotten into serious difficulty on many occasions in the past. Do I TRUST myself to look after me apporpriately?
Do I listen to my guts but also think through what I am reacting to, and continue to work with this man – afterall, we have only met once so far…. DO I accept my ambivalence as evidence that I am aware of myself and accept that I may need to be challenged in therapy? Do I, therefore, TRUST that I can negotiate an effective therapuetic relationship with this guy??
OR do I look at what happened in that first session as being a true indicator of how things are going to progress? Do I TRUST that what transpired in that session is an accurate indicator of (a) how the man works (b) that I feel that his response to me was appropriate, beneficial (c) that my discomfort will ease.
I really don’t know what to do – our next session is not due for another 10 days. I have spent all thsi time between sessions on a roller coaster of emotions – he has stirred up more emotional stuff than anything in the last two years! Some of that I can see as positive – I have, for example, been angry – enraged even.
I was angry that I felt the therapist didn’t listen to me, had not read my case notes (actually the previous therapist also let me down by not keeping detailed notes), and was apparently trying to fit me into a box – to make me conform to a stereotype of PTSD without understanding how I had got to this place.
I am angry that I am going to be limited to a fixed way of working.. which I think negates all that I have been doing already; papering over the cracks rather than helping me to tear down the wall and rebuild it more healthily.
I am writing a list of things I now need to check out with him in an effort to understand just where he is coming from and where he thinks I am coming from. If it then seems that we are not going to be able to reach some accommodation, well, then I am walking out and not going back. For which there are likely to be consequences, but I am not going to sit in a room with a therapist who is not listening, not validating my efforts/experience, who thinks I should TRUST him just because he is so well qualified!
Trust may not be essential for healing EXCEPT I need to be able to trust that I will heal; I need to be able to have some hope that the things that I am doing are in MY best interests, and that the people I am working with have my best interests in mind too – and not just the best interests of the institution for whom they work.
Brenda – thanks for the reference – I looked it up, and fond it really helpful:))

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Libby
Why did you have to switch therapists in the first place?
Hugs, Darlene

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Trust may be the least well communicated value in our society. we here so much about peace, love, unity, value, acceptance but so little about trust. I dont think most people really know what trust is. I was never taught about it growing up. i just blindly gave my trust away like it was not even an option not to trust. I got hurt and abused over and over again by trusting people i didnt even know. I trusted my parents and they abused me worse than anyone else. I dont ever remember anyone questioning – why do you trust them or why do you give your trust away so easily. I never even thought of it as a choice. I just thought it was something you naturally did – you just trusted people until they proved untrustworthy. I trusted my cousin to let him sleep with me on a pull out sofa bed when i was 8 and he molested me 3 or 4 nights in a row. I never questioned it. I just blindly trusted people throughout my life. My trust was betrayed over and over but i still trusted people. No one ever said that i had a choice. i didnt understand that it was a choice. I always gave my power away. NO more. If you dont earn my trust you dont get it, simple as that. If you dont show that you are trustworthy then forget it. Took a long time to learn a very hard lesson that so many young people need to be taught about early on in life. So much abuse and bad situations could be avoided if trust was talked about early on in life and how to know whether someone is trustworthy or not rather than just blindly trusting them for no reason.

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Hi Dave
I think we are taught to blindly trust as part of the grooming process that makes us so compliant and easy to control and manipulate. That is why we are taugh that we MUST trust. It is a lie that enables others who are more powerful to get us to do what they want.
Hugs, Darlene

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I must say. In the beginning. They day you were born. You TRUSTED everything. Soon you learned DO NOT TRUST!! And the list grew Yes some were valid, others were not. When the one you most trusted gave you Abuse and mistrust. It did not figure.

My children learned but Mom was not right. She said things that were wrong, did things that didn’t make scene. Etc.

They learned simple things. Like “do not trust the dog to hold your cookie.” So I invented some sayings.

“no secrets no lies”. Was good ment you do not have time to make excuses for a lie and on and on.” My daughter took that to heart. and when she made a mistake she would say “I did that, sorry”. Now issue was over punishment not required etc.
On with life.
The other was.
DO NOT argue with! “clocks, calenders or thermometers”. FOR they are always right.

There was the day in the war with “X’s control and abuse tactics.”. Mom had bribed her with a new spring jacket. I said NO wear the winter one!! She started “It’s because Mom bought it and she said you would be angry!! I said NO “mr thermometer said winter jacket, look at the dog her fur is all blown to one side of her back”. Was just OK Dad I need the winter one.

And well it goes on. How do you trust a counselor to advice you on fixing what they know not of. Was the negative counseling of the abuser who caused this!! So some “paid so-called professional is gonna tell you it’s all OK. NO it’s the learned DO NOT TRUST. etc.

So again we are lost.

I will end with a quote from my daughter. “? Dad ? Why do animals know people? They all come to You and me, but they hate Mom”. Yes Dad “Animals know people”. she said

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My mother in all of her insecurities, told my siblings and I when we were little that she’d never go out to dinner or whatever with my father because she didn’t trust anyone to watch after us. She used to say it a lot as if it was an excuse for her not to go out because she simply couldn’t and didn’t want to. On the other hand, I was to trust doctors, teachers, etc. just for the fact that they were SMART. Turned out that most of my abusers were, well you guessed it. Doctors and teachers. What a confusing message for a kid. To this day, trust is such an issue for me, it literally paralyzes me with fear when someone asks me if I trust them. I don’t know what trust really means! It’s pretty subjective.

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Darlene…you have totally inspired me to continue writing my story and one day I hope I”m brave enough to publish it. For now I continue to write and share my healing process. Writing has saved my life and has become my life line to the Universe. You create such loving, nurturing energy in your words and I am soaking them all in. You have no idea how much value I think you have and it’s an honor to be on the receiving end of it. Namaste!

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Hi Gordon
Welcome to EFB
Thank you for sharing, Hugs, Darlene

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Hi Celine
Thats awful! This story reminds me of my life too. My mother always bragged about how protective she was, but yet I was abused by the babysitter, my grandmother, we were taken to visit her pedophile step father, the doctor had to threaten to call a lawyer because of a teacher who was abusing me and my parents ‘didn’t want to make waves’. I didn’t know what trust was till closer to the end of the healing process. For me it comes down to learning to trust myself to take care of myself when someone shows signs of taking advantage of me or misusing my trust in them. I know that I won’t accept abuse anymore!
Hugs, Darlene

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Hi Lora
Thank you! I appreciate your lovely words!
Hugs, Darlene

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I have a comment ON the love in the picture, REAL life.

On my farm I had cows, and we were doing “Artificial Insemination” This big white Pet. (Also that was her name Big White). Was her day. In the bottom of the tank was some OLD semen, from a bull with great qualities only one defect, he had horns. 5$ bought her a vial. She gave birth to a son. Peter (after his father). 10 days after his birth, he showed odd traits he followed my Dad was a pet. At fixing time for little calves I said. I think I will spare him, take my chances. Peter grew up as a Bull. Yes a pet, 10 year old son could take an ear or a horn and he followed. Many times he was a daddy. It was time for him to be shipped! Buyer told me “Do not worry about that bull, we have seen his calves. And I am under orders to buy him for the community pasture. With his horns and temperament. THEY want him as “Peace Keeper”.

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