How Victim Mentality works in Relation to Family Secrets

from about half way down all i thought was i wana ask him before he dies why he did what he did. not to bring closure oas such, because i really am interested in his mindset and how he thought it was ok to be the way he has always been.i havent seen him for a few years now, and have struggled with my need to protect others from him, a role i took over once i was told to watch myself around him when i was 11 i think it was. mmm shame i think that it had happened by then and then it became about not causing anymore problems in the family. i became his protector from being put in a situation where pthers could question him, yet they never told me about my other grandfather. mmm shame about that situation too, but thats another long winded story.
the thing that struck me a few years ago when a therapist asked me not to go alone to see him as she thought he was not good for me to be around, and i wondered why. then after going to see him a few times i noticed that he always gave me a gift when i left, usually an ornemnt of his shelf or a toy for my child( which never went near her) that i saw a pattern, well several patterns that showed me ho whe was still trying to play mind games with me. the lies about his contact with other children, all fanasties, so so the police told me when i went to the local child protection unit. but still he thinks i dont know because i have never broached it with him, maybe i should ask about his past and find out how bad he really was, as i have garnered pieces over the years. the man is a true old fashioned cad, theif bigamist convicted peadofile, and thats only from the bits i know so god knows how much more there would be if i could shift through the lies.
so yeah till my grandfather goes i am afraid that i have hit some kind of wall, as i still have that vision of my father holding a braed knife to his own fathers stomache saying if you have touched her i will use this. that sort of thing kind of sticks with you

Darlene,
I love this! It makes me want to stand up and cheer. Yes, this is so true. I can relate to the telling the family secrets being an indication that all hope is gone for finally getting their acceptance and love. That’s a sure way to burn those bridges, but also such a turning point. In my life, talking about my father’s sexual abuse publicly meant that I accepted that my parents didn’t have anything more to offer me. I accepted that they would never love me, but it also meant I was free from having to play to that system. It was my Declaration of Independence.

This is my favorite part:
“Perhaps the truth hurts, but does that mean that we should stifle the truth? I don’t think so anymore. It was important for me to look at who I was protecting and the truth about why I thought that they were more important than I was.”

That’s what it gets down to. My family doesn’t honor the truth. They’d rather cling to their precious lies as they sink into the abyss of their own misery. Dysfunction depends on lies–lies to each other and lies to themselves. I couldn’t live like that for one more second. Now, they lie about me and that’s okay. The truth really does make me free.

Thank you for standing for the truth. It’s one of my favorite things about you. I love you, my dear friend!
Christina

On the truth note – My elderly father is not in great health. My mother has always stood between us. As a young teen she would tell me my dad wanted to %#^% me. I did not get any creepy vibes like that from him. At one time I was trying to help him with his business but she made so much trouble that I had to quit. My Dad and I have never talked about it and I am NC with them now. I still think about the rift she created and he allowed. It gets easier over time in some ways but I do miss my 4 siblings and the neices and nephews. I don’t know where I am going with this but I am glad to get it out…

Hi Carol
I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to ask him OR with asking him. I would be prepared for no answer though.
As for that sort of thing sticking with you ~ well I guess so! All abuse and trauma that we don’t block out “sticks with you”. I won’t protect anyone anymore. I would let my father do what ever he wanted to do, but chances are that he would do nothing. He didn’t protect me from far less than that. The real shame is what your grandfather got away with at your expense. I am so sorry that happened. It makes sense why you say you have hit a wall, feeling that you have had to protect him all these years. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Christina
Wow, thanks! And yes, I love your comments too. That is why I don’t think my father would do anything (re: Carol’s comments) He would rather cling to the fantasy that life was all fine and dandy and that they did the best they could. And what they didn’t know about (FACE) couldn’t hurt THEM… who cared about what hurt me??
I suspect that my parents lie about me too, and I know my in-laws do, but I could not care less. I am free of that sick system!
Hugs, and I love you too!
Darlene

I reject the rejection.

Hi Tamara
It is good to get it out and it does get easier.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi J.
Sorry you are having such a tough time. Sending you big hugs…
Darlene

Hi Pam
Great comments about the scapegoated child, thanks for sharing. I think that mental and emotional freedom is just as possible as physical freedom but as you say, there are certain “must do’s” and for some the price is just too high or too overwhelming.
Hugs, Darlene

So well said Darlene…and thank you for your bravery. It is an encouragement to me. I can remember blogging this summer and feeling so caught between sharing the truth and not – publicly for the whole world to see. Common sense told me to wait – I was just in the beginning stages of my divorce. My lawyer told me to do it privately. My God told me to trust Him…and so I did. There was definitely an attempt to quiet me, to threaten me…but when I called it out and didn’t give in…it went away, the threat did that is. So it’s gotten easier and easier

In my Learning to Live, Learning to Love class (by Life Skills, Intl) we learn that there are 5 traumas that majorly affect the emotional development of a child. Guess the #1 trauma? Rejection. Yep – rejection…above any type of abuse – rejection is the biggest cause of Arrested Development. Why? Well, because any type of abuse ultimately results in the feeling of being rejected…and eventually the child will learn to reject themselves as well. It is sad that to think this is what happened to us as kids and that we have to get to a point of so much emotional pain as an adult before we are willing to look at the past and do the work. But thank God there is always the ability to heal…that shedding light on the truth, coming out of hiding – while scary and seemingly life threatening – is really so freeing and life giving in the end. It helps us who have been wounded to take responsibility..to move from victim mentality to survivor….and eventually to THRIVER. By taking that step – we take control of our lives back. This one little step has made it possible for me to be around my ex for my children’s sake…in what I feel is record time. I am able to tell myself that he has no power, no control over me except what I give him…and I actually feel good about being there.

I also think our bold step to tell the truth starts to crumble the defenses the perpetrators use…thus breaking down their walls of “enablement”. The more of us that can speak up, that can shed light on this societal epidemic, the more likely we can reverse this horrible killer of relationships and families.

Hi Holli
Exactly! This is exactly what I am talking about in EFB. There is a bottom line, there is a root to all of this and it is in finding and actually validating that root, where I found the beginning of freedom. I love your comments and your “self talk” comment at the end is a bonus!
Thanks for sharing, this is great! This post is empowering and inspiring!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Libby
I thought that victim mentality was about “whining” about how hard life is. I didn’t even know what it really was!
I love your “disappointment” points.
Thank you for sharing your victories! Yay for reclaiming yourself! Your comments are also empowering and inspiring!
Hugs, Darlene

“Whining” is such a dreadful thing to say to a child, isn’t it? I was scared of being told I was “whining” – that classic childhood “it’s not fair” was often in my mind, but I would never say it. How often do children get told “Life isn’t fair”? It may well true – but a child has a black and white perspective on life because we don’t have the knowledge or experience to understand that adults lie. Adults teach children about unfairness by their actions, although their words say otherwise. As children we were told to speak the truth – but…it was OK when adults lied to us, manipulated us and abused us – and THEN told us to keep quiet, not to tell, that we “shouldn’t” feel like that….. Life isn’t “fair” because adults make it so. Children instinctively know this, but we are invalidated each time we point this out. I think that’s what makes life so hard for us when we are struggling to survive the damage that was done – we don’t speak out because we believe we’ll be told we’re whining again – or lying.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. Not only did we deserve better – it was our RIGHT, as children to be treated better. Not to be victimised. We get all upset and indignant about the lives of children in developing countries – conveniently overlooking the children in our own countries for whom childhood is every bit as miserable, dangerous and hard.

.’ Why was I willing to protect the people who never protected me?’

When I finally realized that’s what I was doing, it took more time after that to unravel the way I thought, felt and acted.
I ALWAYS felt so exposed in front of everyone, even complete strangers, like they could take one look at me and see right inside of me. I struggled with this for years and sometimes still do.
(no wonder I’ve had constant depression and anxiety attacks)
I used to ‘confess’ my past and dreadful secrets to pretty much anyone who would listen, (anyone whom I felt was even remotely empathetic, or those I saw in a position of authority, which was pretty much anyone because my self esteem was so low)..
I was screaming out for help and validation and comfort, and thought I had to ‘forgive them’, I just didn’t know how…

All I was doing was protecting them and my siblings from further pain and shame, yet they did NOTHING to protect me. I even felt obliged to let him walk me down the aisle, because as my crazy effed up ‘mother’ would say, ‘he’s the best father you’ve ever had’ (*explosions inside of head).. How did I get through that?? I thought ‘well yeah, u were the first to have me so u have the right to give me away….)
Oh, how sick I have been.
The best thing about my wedding day was I was walking towards my husband, and i was taking his name. (our ‘mother’ made us all use his surname when we started living at his house of horrors, because she didn’t want people to know she had 4 children from 3 different fathers).. So yeah, I had to sign that sickos name on my marriage certificate, all the while ‘the outsiders’ saw and thought, ‘oh isn’t this lovely, a real success story here, what a lovely man to take on those children like that’, blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH!

That’s my rant for the day..

Hi Libby
Good comments Libby, very well said! When we learn from very young not to speak out (because we know the consequences will not be in our favour) we don’t think anything will be different if we speak out when we are adults. In fact looking back, I didn’t ever think about it as an adult… I just didn’t do it. Thanks for sharing!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Patricia
Yes… not knowing that I had a choice was so oppressive! Finding out that I had choices was such a fantastic beginning for me too!
About confronting ~ I think that for some people, confronting the abuser and even asking WHY they did it, (even knowing that they won’t admit it and that the result will be disappointing) is empowering. It is like standing up for yourself, saying “I know what you did, and so do you. I don’t care if you admit it or not, we both know what happened” I don’t think confrontation has to have a positive outcome (dependant on how the abuser responds) in order to be a self-empowering experience.
Hugs, Darlene

I find that abuse is one of the most isolating things you can experience…im at that “breaking dawn” point where my abuse is still in present tense but i realize that there is no big pink bus wriitten Child Abuse-find love inside thats going to save me…i know that im going to hav to do that myself…i still find it hard to say the words out loud to myself…

Thank you so much for this post…I truly needed it today. I’m 10 months out of a horribly abusive 2nd marriage after a moderately abusive 1st marriage. I’m finding out that the severe childhood abuse/neglect I endured at the hands of my mother is the key to it all. I’m struggling. I’m struggling, I can see it and I don’t know what else to do about it. I’m in therapy, on medication, doing as much self-care as possible…its not enough. There is just too much going on in my world and I’m sinking.

It feels like a relief to read your post and know that someday, with God’s help, I will be where you are.

Hi everyone

Daybreak again; Called my ex. (First love mentioned above). She didn’t answer. She told me she wanted no more contact about a year ago. Pretty sure this is the first time I tried since then.

Obviously not proud, but didn’t really give a shit at the time I rang. My body is so heavy (not just weight-wise — just feels like it’s dragging me down to the ground. Feels like that a lot of the time). Realised I don’t really have anyone I enjoy being around anymore. And hardly have anyone to be around, anyway. No idea what to do. The dreams I’ve been hanging on to for years (mainly about creativity, music, art etc & living on my own) are all seeming like I always worried they would — things I might think I want, but I’d still hate if I ever got them.

Just feels like everyone’s against me. I just want to be given a disability pension & then left alone. Don’t think that’s ever gonna happen. (Being left alone, that is). Over last few years I stopped giving a shit about almost everything (money, responding to mail, grooming, friends, family, life basically). But must’ve kept holding on to dreams about music, despite all the evidence of how unlikely it ever was to happen (given how hard I have to try just to keep my head above water, let alone actually move forward). I think the “fog clearing” re parental abuse also cleared the fog from my perception of myself, and opened my eyes to the fact that I’d been checking out from life more and more. It wasn’t an intentional thing, but once the fog cleared I realised that if I had been intending that, it probably would look exactly the same. I think this kinda upset me to realise. Or something. Who knows.

Apologies if this is too blunt or anything. Still appreciate people’s thoughts etc.

And now back to feeling same as usual – like I’m beyond all help & others have to be protected from me & the shit that exists in my skull. Meh.

Darlene, I don’t know what to do. I know I was miserable with my first love a lot of the time (and vice versa), but also feels like the closest I ever got to being happy. And along the line I’ve managed to convince myself I’ll never even come that close again. (Often feels like that’s true). Since seeing parental abuse more clearly, I realised one part of the obsession is probably to do with that being the closest I ever got to being what my parents wanted (ie married, and at least pretending not to be sexually active beforehand) and blah blah blah. But I did love her, even though my idea of love was obviously a f**king shambles (thanks again for that, parental units) and even though it was insular and obsessive and nearly drove me literally out of my mind, I still want her back. Or just that feeling. Or something. After I bailed on my first love when her sibling died and hooked up with my only other long-term relationship, I intentionally tried to stop giving a shit, because I’d seen what happened when I did. (Again, not claiming any of this as something to be proud of). And that maybe worked a bit, or something. Except then new GF ended up feeling like the major stress in my life (apart from my own obsession with my ex, and apart from parents, but at least didn’t live with them at that stage). Stayed in 2nd relationship something like 4 yrs. I think I was just desperate to not be around my parents (but not nearly as consciously of the effect they had on me at that time – still badly fogged/brainwashed), so forced myself to stay with new GF even when it felt wrong (from the start, in many ways).

I guess this might be progress, that in writing all this I felt sorry for myself. (Now feel guilty writing that, worried everyone will think I should feel sorry for my ex’s). But I already did plenty of that. Never really just felt sorry for myself, or gave myself understanding. Sometimes I just wish so bad someone would’ve come to me like I was a little kid again and just hugged me and told me it was ok, and they understood, and that anyone would’ve been a f**king trainwreck if they’d gone through what I did. Still do, in fact. (And now I’m worried saying this will offend you, Darlene). But as much as I value this site, virual hugs will never equal real ones.

Oh well. Thanks everyone for caring & listening (well, reading). Apologies for dumping all my mess. Hope eveyrone’s doing well

Thank you darlene…this is the first time speaking about it…and reading your posts helps a little because u say how i feel but what i cant yet articulate to myself…ive been diagnosed with depression, ptsd and anxiety…ive been trying to read selfhelp book because therapy is too expensive and i cant afford..but when i go back to college, il push for counselling there, even though i tried last year and they continuously didnt honour those appointments because they had others that i guess must hav paid more…self help books confuse me sometimes or it feels too easy…or like i hav so much to say or too much pain to do a simple “visualise a better future”..but somehow..it helps or at least im hoping it will so that i can get out of bed long enough to think of how to leave this environment…i identify so much with ur post in that im thinkin of starting a blog to share my feelings but its like someone or my abuser is editing my words and threatenong me if i say the words abuse in my head

Darlene, I am still in victim mode some of the time, like when I get stressed and feel triggered. But now there are longer periods of clarity and optimism and inner emotional connection so I can continue to explore the pain.

J — I want to let you know that I deeply respect your ability to articulate so well the many levels of cause and effect of trauma and neglect. I have had those feelings of heaviness and lack of interest in interaction. At various times over the last few years, as I worked to new levels of clarity and the beginnings of self-respect, I gradually weaned from self-medications and also found myself wanting to nourish myself better and did so. Just giving up cigarettes was like clearing a permanent black cloud from my head. The process of self-excavation is mending the brokenness, and it seems to then bring out my long-stifled instinct for survival and thriving.

I just started going to regular therapy about a year ago. I just finally got sober (40) after drinking since I was 13 years old. I have now been sober for 15 months. I have more struggles with my mental health then I really do with using all though they do go hand in hand for me and my illnesses. I have finally been diagnosed with major depression, BPD, PTSD, anxiety, and fibromyalgia. My parents divorced when I was around 5 and now that I am starting to learn and remember some of the things of my past I realized that not only was I emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by my step-mom, but my mom abandoned me for a while after the divorce and my father stopped giving me the love I diserved once he remarried and neglected to see what was happening to me and my brother. He also abandoned me emotionally durring this time as well. Then when I went to live with my mom, I never got help from a councelor. Not that I would have trusted one, because when I did speak out about my step-mom it went right back to her and my dad which just made things worse for me. I began drinking and was forced to have sex with the guy that I liked at 13. After that I was a reck and began to drink and have sex even more. Thinking that by giving a man what he wanted (even though they always left, and still do or worse) he would be happy and love me and take care of me and stay. That wasnt the case however and this lead into many attempted suicides that no one ever really new about. I never really got any real help until I had my daughter at 28 of which I was told I was never to have children, and went into a major depression. This is when I was really first ever diagnosed with anything or put on any kind of med. It never did stop after her though, it only actually got worse cause I got into the bad drugs and the real bad guys. I have never been in any legal trouble but maybe I should have. When I was married we did drugs on a pretty regular basis little did anyone know. He started abusing me mentally then emotionally then physically, that is when I knew I needed out, that he began to start emotionally try to hurt my daughter too. He ended up in prision, I ended up getting into drugs and alcohol even worse met a man that had just went through something similar had an affair. Ended up getting torn away from him, or actually went to treatment, and he left, and went back to his ex and treatment as well and drurring this time we somehow kept in contact on facebook, not too common, and are now back together, sober. However, my family dont like him and want to blame him for every thing I went through before treatment. LOL That was all me. He just happened to be there.

‘Fear-based adrenaline rush’….I never knew there were words for what I always felt whenever I told the truth about my family, whenever I questioned and confronted my abusers as to why *I* was targeted and scapegoated, whenever I tried to talk to a teacher or counselor or protective services forced family counseling psychologist….oh how much I held back out of fear and how much I suffered when I did speak or even when the realization came to me that other families were not like mine—that my friends were not terrified of their parents, that their uncles did not molest them, that their grandmother didn’t tell them that their own conception was an embarrassment to the family and brought shame and that my existence ruined my mother’s future…..and then the not telling when I wasn’t dependent on them and out of the house (took me long enough to believe in myself because I was told that I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself without them because they were so controlling and told me what I didn’t want and what I did and punished me for ANY act of independence) and then when I had relationships and there was conflict how that adrenaline rush would paralyze me if I spoke up, and terrify my, my heart pounded, my hands shook, the fear of rejection was overwhelming.
Recently the man I loved stopped speaking to me without a word. It was a long distance relationship and we were making plans for him to come here to spend a month with me and until our last conversation we were looking forward to his visit, a long road trip we’d been planning, talking about his working overtime to save money to buy his ticket, my selling a prized possession to pay for my part and agreeing it was all worth it and then nothing……total cut-off, total silence. I began to send him emails, tried contacting him, I was initially frightened he’d been incapacitated because our contact was very frequent and the break was without any warning, then I thought, oh he’s just busy and would send him emails, every single one fearing rejection, hands shaking, feeling the little girl in me tremble. That same little girl who was unloved and neglected and abused and told never tell, never tell, never defend yourself, you’ve no right to it, no right to any feelings at all and above all never tell, all triggered by his lack of communication, my greatest fear, come to life, again by someone I loved and emotionally depended on, again the self-loathing, you don’t deserve his love….so much fear.
And now, I’m moving on…day by day. I tell my therapist, I don’t want to relate all my life to fear, grief, rejection and sorrow. I want healing. I want to flourish. I want an ocean of pure bliss without a dirty tide of polluted abusive voices telling me I’m undeserving, unworthy and above all, going to be abandoned and rejected because I’m insignificant. I fight that tide every single day, but I see clear clean blue water on the horizon and know that it’s healing and wholeness and I will get there.

Hi Lainey
This is exactly what I am talking about. You describe the dysfunctional family system perfectly, complete with feelings of confusion and the whole bit. It was realizing all that stuff and then realizing how wrong that it was and how it ultimately resulted in the belief system that was false and in my way, that I found freedom. Thank you for sharing in this way.
I am sorry for the heartbreak that you are going through. I am thrilled to read your summary though ~ that you want healing and that you want to flourish! That is half the battle!
Hugs, Darlene

J ~ re your comment #27 ~ I.. can’t think of the words I want to say. Just, I hear you. I get what you are saying. I feel it.

Same with most of the comments here. I feel so much when I am reading these comments. My mind isn’t tracking very well right now, though, so I am unable to articulate what these comments are making me feel.

I feel a bit lost and confused. Feel like I never want to leave my safe little house again, too. Wish I could scream, but I know that wouldn’t do any good. Plus, my throat hurts, screaming would not be a good idea right now.

“ Telling the family secrets was like giving up on the last thread of hope because I knew that if I told the truth about what had gone on in my life, I would burn my last bridge and ruin my only chance that my mother and possibly even my whole family would love me. “Telling” represented the death of that hope.  ”

I hope it’s okay to say that I’m scared sh*tless to start telling. I can relate so much to “publishing” then deleting words. Family for me is already “dead”, there is no REAL hope of rekindling anything. But rest assured the instant I go public and STAY public it truly is all over for me. 

It’s hard to admit that maybe I am stuck in the “victim mentality” but it feels even worse than that. I’m afraid people won’t believe me still. I’m afraid of the public saying things about what my story entails. But I have a overwhelming desire to be public. Now. Not years down the road. Public as I continue to heal. 

It does change things to look at the fact I am protecting them. I will continue my baby steps… 

Hi Sophia,

just wanted to say a quick thanks for your comment. Brought a tear to my eye just now. Almost felt a glimmer of hope I think. Just so much going on; only seems to keep piling up. (Didn’t get disability pension I discovered last night). Anyway thanks again, hope you’re well

J

Elaina, thanks also for your comment. How are you feeling? Hope you’re doing alright. I imagine it’ll take some time (both physical and mental). Thinking of you

Hello Everyone!
Elaina… I think anyone who’s human would be having that same fear going through their minds. From a nursing perspective, it’s a rare person who welcomes their own death. Glad you’re back home and ALIVE!! Hope you feel back to normal very soon!!

J,
Above you wrote “Sometimes I just wish so bad someone would’ve come to me like I was a little kid again and just hugged me and told me it was ok, and they understood”. I cannot, CannoT, CANNOT tell you how many times when I was in distress, I had this EXACT same wish. For whatever reason, I would regress to a child mentally or emotionally, or whatever, and feel so alone, and I would be sobbing and terrified of who knows what, and all I could think of was, would someone just tell me it will be okay and hug me and mean it???? I have never really learned how to hug myself. I have come to believe it’ll have to come from me though. That I will have to come to a place where my own words “everything will be okay”, will have to get me through. I realize it’s impossible to turn back time, to the place in childhood when someone SHOULD have said that, should have protected me, and hugged me. I believe that’s where the deficit lies. That empty place inside that some adult should have filled, but didn’t. Left to flounder and form our own fears and conclusions at a young, impressionable, and very tender age. I hate going to that place. It’s desperation. It’s scary. I completely get it J! I hope you’re feeling better soon.
With love,
Mimi

One really cool thing that happened for me when I was being loaded into the ambulance 2 days ago, hemorrhaging in my throat, thinking I was dying, and giving my husband what I thought might be my final messages of love, messages to him, and messages for him to pass on to my children and grandchildren: I asked myself, at that moment of stark clarity, whether I had any desire to ask my husband to pass on a last message to anyone in my family of origin? My absolute answer to that question was: NOPE.

I am just really, completely DONE, with all of them! I am only in contact with my one fellow-scapegoat, my disabled brother, who respects my desire to hear nothing about the rest of our so-called family. I have already told my brother all of the loving things that I want him to know. As for the momster, and all of her narcissistic clones… forget about it!

Mimi, I hope it works out for you. I couldn’t totally let go of my hope to have some kind of a relationship with my mother, until this past year. I’ve been trying, off and on, to have a relationship with her ever since she threw me away when I was 14. I will be 59 this year! Slow learner, that’s me, about some things. I had hoped that my mother would eventually grow up and grow out of her ignorant ways. She’s 77, and she’s worse than ever, lying, hateful, spiteful. What a waste of a life.

Hello everyone!
I just published a new post that might be of interest to the readers of this one!
It’s called
“I want my Mommy” and Re-parenting MYSELF
I look forward to the conversation there!!!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Mitzi
I totally understand where you are coming from. I went round and round with all these feelings and asked myself a million times if I had done the “right thing” since it resulted in “total rejection” but eventually I had to keep considering what the alternative would have been… and the answer is that it would have been more dysfunction, and by my going along with it, as I came out of the fog, it felt like I was “agreeing” with them that I was not worth being heard. That my life, was not as valuable as keeping the secret? I just could not live with it anymore. Eventually, I no longer questioned if I had made a mistake and the feeling of being rejected completely went away as I realized that it was not really about me but about them. Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Darelene,

Thank you for responding to this. Your words truly give me hope. I do realize that had I not made the decision to ‘expose’ the emotional/physical abuse from my mother and the sexual abuse by uncles that I would be forced to just keep on living in the lies and dysfunction of it all which I know is so very much worse. xoxox

Mimi,

Thank you as well for reading and responding… I totally understand where you are coming from when you talk about your mother having to have allies. I could never understand why my mother was obsessed with always having everyone agree with her, with her feelings, with her anger, with her judgement of others. Finally, it was clear that it was a whole part of her narcissism/control.

PS: What exactly is an accountability letter? I think I probably have an idea, but could you be more descriptive? : ) xoxoxo

Once again I just have to say how very grateful I am for this website. At times, I really believe it probably saved my life.

Much Love to ALL
Mitz

Oh Mimi, thank you so very much!!! EFB is all I have to help me get through this process and try to understand…

I cannot believe how similar our stories are. When you began speaking of an aunt on your dad’s side that you had been estranged from, I could not help but relate it to my own life. I had two aunts on my dad’s side that my mother worked her entire life on making certain that they were not a part of my life. She was so determined to destroy any hope of ever having a relationship with them. She kept me away from my paternal grandmother as well and I dont think I will ever get over the last years I missed spending time with here before she died.

I remembered bits and pieces of my childhood and how wonderful they were to me as a child. Many years of my mother filling my head full of lies about them took its course and we never did have any kind of relationship. They live in KY near my mother’s side of the family. When I would go down to visit my grandmother (her mother) and her sisters and brothers, I was basically forbidden to drive the extra five miles to see my dad’s family. When I would arrive back in MI she would call me and that would be the very first question she asked about my trip. “did you go see your aunts?” It was THIS bad and although this is very hard for me to share, I feel like it is time……It literally makes me ill to even put myself back in that moment.

Back in 2005 I was suffering so deeply from depression. My marriage was falling apart. My husband had been transferred to Indiana through his job. We knew it would be about a year that he would have to be there, so we decided that he would move to Indiana and I would remain in Michigan in an attempt to try to keep normalcy for my children. The distance was too much on our relationship and it began falling apart. He eventually began having an affair and I entered into a deep dark hole and eventually tried to take my own life.

While talking to my mom’s sister on the phone (who lives in KY) I began swallowing every prescription pill I had in the house. Feeling very confident that her being all the way in Ky and my being in MI, there was no way that any one could reach me before it was over. My aunt (who I have spoken of often in my posts, Vickie– She and I grew up together, very close in age and I always considered her MY sister altho she is my mother’s sister.) anyway, she somehow contacted my mother and my father and they ended up at my apartment withing 30 minutes. By this time, I was in and out of consciousness. Although, I don’t remember a whole lot about that night, the one thing I do remember and has and will always haunt me was the conversation my mother was having with me during this time. I look back at it now and I literally feel ill realizing just how evil my mother really is/was.

As I mentioned before, my mother was determined to destroy any kind of relationship I ever had or could have with my dad’s sisters. As I was throwing up and wanting only to fall asleep, my mother lay in the bed with me and kept asking… “I just want to know ONE thing, ‘have you had any contact with your Aunt M.A. or your Aunt B?’ If I passed out she would shake me and wake me up just to ask me again. Although I kept telling her no, she continued this for about an hour. I could hear my dad in the background shouting that they needed to get me to a hospital and my mother telling him…”Just one more minute, I HAVE to know the truth about this while I still can” I remember telling her over and over and over again that I hadn’t and I remember the feeling of it being so important to me that she believe me…believe that I had not ‘betrayed her’.

I look back at that now and because of the shame of trying to take my own life and the nauseating feelings that accompany the memory, I could not ever share that with anyone before. But, Mimi, her ONLY concern was that she had completed HER mission of keeping me away from two very loving women. She honestly did not care that if I lived or died. Her fear was always that I would “expose” her to my dad’s side of the family and she just had to know if there had been any chance of that.

I am happy to say that when I finally severed all ties with my mother, my Aunt M.A. and Aunt B were two of the very first people that I contacted. They are two of the most loving, compassionate women I have ever met and we have promised to never let any amount of time go by without being in touch. My husband and I worked through our problems as well and once again have a very loving and healthy relationship.

And as I wrote this I realized that there is one other person that I have that has been very supportive through this. This is my brother’s ex wife (who of course, my mother despised..no one was good enough for HER son). She witnessed the struggles I had with my mother and although my mother tried everything in her power to keep us from becoming friends, Susan became my biggest ally. After she and my brother divorced she moved to SC but we keep in touch and she is very supportive. I just had to make that clear because I had said in the beginning of this post that I had no one, but I DO and will always have Susan.

Well, that was a huge breakthrough for me, I think. Thank you Mimi for being here for me and helping me with my journey.

Love and hugs,
Mitzi

Mimi,

I, like you, am amazed at how many other women share our story or one’s so very similar. I, too, honestly believed that I was the “only one” who could have possibly had a mother like mine. I believe God/the Universe, whatever one might believe, has brought me to this site. It is def my lifeboat.

So happy to be forming this new friendship with you, my friend.

Love and hugs
Mitzi

Hi Donna
I am sorry, this must be frustrating for you. I had to let go of the people who told me I was wrong and empower myself. I know I am not wrong. My brothers do not want to heal. That can’t be what holds me back though.. I had to just keep going forward with what I needed to do.
I know this is blunt but this is what worked for me. (and it took a lot of time for me to realize that so I am not suggesting that you just cut the ties..) Hugs, Darlene

I read this post earlier, but it didn’t really hit home much until Wednesday morning. I have had a highly charged emotional few days…. It is no secret to you guys that my father abused me, but it was a closely guarded family secret. I didn’t think much about it… however, on Wednesday morning at about 7:30 I woke up to my phone ringing. I wasn’t really awake enough to completely register what was happening, but I saw Kent B.’s number show up on the screen… I did recognize that. I answered and the shock of hearing his voice brought back all the memories, the pain, the hurt, the anger at him, even some to the more awful things that happened with him. He proceeded to tell me that my brother is in the hospital with a fractured shoulder and a broken hip. He had surgery yesterday. Apparently my brother fell off a roof. I said ok. I had gone back into survival mode and now i realize that i had gone into survival mode before i even answered the phone, or I wouldn’t have done it. He said that he loved me and i simply said bye and hung up. I was outraged that he even said those words – I don’t believe that he does and i don’t want him to say it unless his actions back him up… which they do not. I was so angry with him. My next thought was: what the heck! How did he get my number? I didn’t give it to him. He is NOT supposed to have it. Suddenly I don’t feel so safe. I didn’t live with them for 18 years for no reason. I know that they will abuse it. I will get harassed by them. I’m not going to answer, but that won’t keep them from calling. How long will it be till I answer the door to find them on my doorstep? How long till they find that? I’m not ready for any of this. My emotions have ranged from anger to numbness to not caring about anything. I got very depressed and felt really hopeless again. I think i might be settling down from it, but it was a huge blow. I went out to the common area of my room and cried so hard that my roommate and one of my suitemates woke up and came to see what happened. I got nothing accomplished at all Wed and Thurs. I twas awful. Almost like I was on autopilot. I also have been angry that a family member betrayed me and gave them my number. I don’t know for sure who it was, but i’m about 99% certain that it was Aunt Teresa. She promised not to give my number out without permission. And now, they have it. She has been trying so hard to make me go back to my family. Or at the least have contact with them and go visit them….. Yeah, right. I won’t set foot on their territory, not even for my brothers sake. I refuse to go see him. I can’t even bring myself to send him a thinking of you card. I don’t want the contact. I’ve worked hard for the life I have, I can’t have them tearing all my work down. It was NOT a pleasant way to be woke up. I wish this were all a bad dream.

As i looked for the reasons it really bothered me, I felt like part of it was the shock. I was in a total daze. I didn’t mind so much finding out about my brother. But i did mind my father calling me about it. And why him, why not Mother? Kind of weird that it had to be him. And even more weird that it had to happen now and for this incident…. any other time they have had my siblings let us know about something or at the least have them ask us to call them… Furthermore, there are ways they had to get a hold of us. They could have called the Belangers…. or they could have emailed…. but no, they had to call. Why? I had not talked to Kent for 2 and a half years. I have no desire to now. Arg…

As for family secrets…. there were lots of them. I’ve had siblings and extended relatives that have gotten mad at me for sharing the things that happened within the family. I feel like a stranger to my biological family, like I don’t belong. And I really don’t. We are in two worlds. I refuse to hide what happened with the hope that others can somehow avoid churches and situations that I had no control over and did not know about.

I’m still afraid of losing what little connection I have to my family. To my brother, his wife and kids. I’m afraid of hurting my Mom, and I know I already have by starting down this road. I’m afraid of everybody finding out that I’m the black sheep. I’m afraid of rejection, like you said. I want to speak the truth, even though it’s painful. I can take the pain, for myself, but inflicting my pain on them, even the ones who caused it? I don’t know.

Hi everyone!
When I was a little girl, I was terrified of my dad. He is an alcoholic, and still is, and would get violent at times. I didn’t usually see it, but I heard it. That left a lot to my imagination. Then, my mother would play it up as much as possible, playing the victim. 30 years later, I still hear the same stories over and over about how horrible it was. About 10 years ago, I was faced with seeing my dad again. (he had left when I was 11, I’m 43 now). I had incredible fear at first. Fear of being around him alone. Because my mother had told me he would try to steal me when I was little. Because she said he didn’t love me and he would hurt me to get at her. That’s not really my point though. My point is, the fear in me was incredible and lasting. When I was faced with seeing my dad again after so many years, it was like I went straight back to being 5 years old, terrified. I had some time to think things out in “present day”, rather than through the eyes of a 5 year old. It was tough to convince myself, but I waded through the muck to a place where I realized, I was an adult, he is older and probably not as strong as he once was, I have any number of things I can swing at him if I have to. These were my thought processes, no matter how silly they may seem. After I came to a realization that I wasn’t 5 anymore, that only my thoughts were taking me there, I could face him with more courage. It worked out okay. Today we have a slightly deeper relationship, but he still has to drink to keep from getting sick. He’s more feeble than ever. I have forgiven him for leaving and not looking back. We don’t have a whole lot of contact, but, I’m okay, just the way it is.

Kia,
I’m sorry this has happened to you. I wish you the very best as you work through this.

Nicki,
I can so identify. It’s been a couple weeks now that I sent my mother a letter pointing out some lies she told. She has not contacted me. I’m okay with that, in fact, I’m relieved. I’ve been where you are though. I never want to see my mom cry. I saw it so much growing up and it always always hurt me. To this day, it’s very hard to see her cry. I hope I don’t have to see her anytime soon. If she cried, I would have to dig to the depths of my inner strength to stand up to her, and maintain the truth I sent her in the email without crumbling. She’s very manipulative. I wish you strength!!
Love to all,
Mimi

Libby,
That is wonderful that you are reclaiming yourself & talents!..I too worked in the helping profession for most of my adult life and I’m now 43. I finally decided not be working, for my mental health. I was motivated to help others, who were struggling but I lost myself in the process, by taking care of everyone else’s needs and not my own. Since, I left my work, I have been free to pursue my talent, which is painting nature scenes. I’m more at peace and more tuned into my needs. Thanks for sharing!

Hi all!
I think it’s so striking how many people I’ve met here that are also 43 years old. Just an observation. Also, I’m in the healthcare field and have stopped working. My art form and “therapy” is renovations. I have planned to renovate several rooms in our house during this time of hiatus. I have a lot to do. And, I love doing it. I’ve thought of changing careers as well. It’s hard to sell people on female renovators however. And, my only selling point is that I have a lot of experience, but no formal education. It is something I’ve definitely considered however. I know I would miss nursing. It’s been very satisfying work for many years, and I’ve always loved it. I can’t imagine doing anything else, yet, these posts have made me think a little. Perhaps I made my place in nursing, was successful, even praised, so I closed my mind and sealed my fate. I’ve never thought about making a different skill a lucrative career. I’m blessed by these posts…. it’s got me thinking!!

Now, I’m remembering how my mother would discourage any kind of art form as a career. Drama/acting, music, dance, painting…literally any art form was frowned upon. My mother is about money. In her mind, the only way to support yourself is to have the security of a 9-5 job. She would say it’s foolish to try to support yourself in any other way. I have wondered what talents my sisters or I have/had that were squelched. Both my sisters have corporate careers. However, my mother has never had a 9-5 job. She has always done things that would allow her to be her own boss. For years she was a hairdresser in our home. After that, she became a realtor and still is. That was a six week course, and back when she became a hairdresser I think she was able to do it in high school (if I remember right), or at least partly in high school. She really preferred to be supported by a man though. She always told me I would NOT be allowed to be lazy like my dad, yet she did hairdressing 2 days a week in our home for years and years. She would take an afternoon nap every day for about a half hour. But, we weren’t allowed to take naps.

So many weird things come up when I start typing!! Sometimes, it brings so many things to the forefront that I hadn’t associated with my screwed up way of thinking. Therapeutic for sure!! Thanks Darlene for this opportunity for all of us!!
Peace to all,
Mimi

SMD,
Thank you! The mindset surrounding my dad, the mental work I had to do before that first meeting, was really a necessity. It was something I had to do to get through it, otherwise, I might have lost that opportunity. I didn’t want that to happen. My fear of him was so deep. I remember when I was about 9 or 10 years old and he picked me up and swung me around (playfully) and I was so scared of him, even at that age, I peed my pants.

My mother told me early last year that if something happened to her husband, she knew my dad would be the first person at her door. LOL!! I wanted to laugh because she was so serious. Over 30 years have passed since he has contacted her in ANY way. She doesn’t realize how stupid that sounded. She mistakenly thought I was still under her influence about him. Looking back I should have laughed in her face, and laid out the facts, and then asked her what she based that statement on. All while pointing out it must be flattering for her to think that!! She’s been using this abuse/sympathy card for so many years, she thinks people believe she still lives in abject fear of him, despite his lack of contact for almost half her life!!! She doesn’t have a clue that my sisters and I don’t buy into that crap anymore.

Ah, well, I had a lot to say today!! Thanks for listening EFB!!
Blessings to all,
Mimi

Hi Everyone,
Do you think that Trust is a necessary Key in this process? I hear all the time that people think it is.
I just wrote a new post about it,
You can read it here ~ Is trust a necessary key to emotional healing?
Hugs, Darlene

Mimi,
Wow! Another person that was in the healthcare field and is 43 too! That’s wants nice about EFB, we can talk to like minded people! After writing my posts these past few days, i’ve come to realize the abuse I’ve been suffering for so long!….I feel i’m at a place now, that I can finally admit to myself i’ve been abused. For so long, i did not want to believe that, because it was too painful to face. I’ve known it intellectually, since a child, but it feels like death, when I admit I was put down & pushed around by my own family. I’m having many feelings about this- anger & sadness mostly. I guess it’s like coming out of a fog and realizing my reality was based on false beliefs & secrets!…I’m having difficulty concentrating & having thought blocking right now, so i will stop writing for now….Tomorrow is a new day!….Sincerely, SMD

SMD,
It was a tough realization for me too. I was so brainwashed that I wondered if what I was thinking or suspecting, was even legitimate. I remember first coming here, I would ask a question, and the seasoned people (Darlene and a few others) would encourage me to ask myself questions that would ultimately bring me to clarity. I’m so thankful for that. I was angry and sad too when it first became undeniably clear. Like you, I knew intellectually for I’d say 10 years, but I still believed my mom loved me and wouldn’t dream of hurting me. She is 69 years old now, and has become sloppy in her secrets and lies. That helped me realize the truth as well. When there are concrete instances, how could I deny it? She was a bully to me specifically, I was always the scapegoat. It was liberating to write her the email a few weeks ago. I did feel I took back my power. Right now she’s retreated because she has been caught. I carbon copied my email to both my sisters, so she would know that we all three knew the truth about the lies she told. She could always conquer any one of us, as long as we stood alone. United though, she is at a loss of words and manipulations. She hasn’t owned it obviously. If I know her, she will try to let some time pass and hope we forget it, without taking any responsibility. I’m certain she hopes we will brush it under the rug and not hold her accountable. I will not forget it though. There was hell to pay if we lied when we were growing up. I am now holding her to those same standards. She always made the three of us believe she NEVER lied. A ton of effort was put into convincing us of that. The disgusting thing is, we believed it. Looking back, it amazes me how I excused things that were without a doubt inexcusable. I don’t even know how I rationalized it. I just thought it didn’t apply to her or something. An example would be, she represented us in our home purchase and the sale of our former home. She took commission on both transactions, but tells people she forfeits commission with family. She did a lot of crazy fast talk to convince me she wasn’t taking commission. Somehow, she convinced me I just didn’t understand the intricasies of real estate transactions. I pulled those papers out a few months back. It’s right there in black and white. How did she fast talk out of that?? I have no answer. I just excused it because she doesn’t lie, and because she was the professional, and SHE said it wasn’t so. I gave up trying to understand it really, regarding it as not important. But, it is important because she lied and manipulated. She could be the greediest person I know. She also charged commission on her own elderly mother’s home sale. To this day, she says she didn’t and tries to fast talk out of it. She’s crazy!!

Anyhow, I had difficulty concentrating too. I was incredibly sad and I spent days ruminating over whether she ever loved me or not. I sorted through childhood memories trying to decide if one action proved or disproved her love for me. It was an incredible three month process. I cried every day. I journaled sometimes for an entire day. I am out on the other side of acceptance. That doesn’t mean the damage is reversed, just that my eyes are open. That period of eye opening was hell, but I’m thankful to know the truth. All those things in my life that didn’t really add up, now make sense to me. The reason it didnt’ make sense is because it was nonsense. It was BS designed to protect her from accountability and to keep my sisters and I under her thumb, in her control, and loyal to her; and we all were very loyal. She had me convinced she was the only person I ever had, yet she showed over and over she didn’t want me. It was all so twisted. I’m happy to be in the light, no matter what I had to go through to get here. I wish you the best SMD, in this time of discovery and acceptance. I hope you know you’ll feel better in time.
With love,
Mimi

Hi Judy
As far as I can tell, this is the first comment you have posted. If you shared another one, I don’t have any record of it..
Welcome to EFB. sorry your comment got lost!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Karen
I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you had to keep that to yourself all these years. I am glad that you can talk now and that you have joined us on the journey!
Welcome to EFB,
Hugs, Darlene