Giving and Receiving in a Healthy RelationshipBy
“It is only when we feel deprived that we resent giving to others. Self-care does not mean you stop caring about others; it just means you start caring more about you. Start thinking about yourself more and others less. Since you have a choice between taking care of someone else, or giving to yourself, try choosing yourself sometimes.” The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel
In a dysfunctional relationship, there is an imbalance in the way that each person is considered. In a relationship based on equal value, everyone’s needs are considered. In a healthy relationship based on the true definition of love, everyone matters. I have tried very hard to teach and model healthy relationship in this website with the readers here.
Once in a while I post a request for donations at the end of a new article. This is the first time that I have ever posted a blog post about it on a main page about it. I hate asking for donations because sometimes I get nasty emails from people accusing me of doing this blog for money; I have been compared to ‘abusers’ because I asked for donations. This is very upsetting because for six years now, (three with this website) I have done everything to contribute to the healing of others without any thought to my own gain. And I have become aware that I discount myself in doing so. In order to ensure that ‘other people’ are comfortable, I have discounted myself, which is exactly what I did in the past with my relationships with my family and what I write about here in Emerging from Broken.
I have heard some bizarre things from people when I have requested donations at the bottom of a blog post. More than once people have said to me “well I WAS going to donate until you asked”. (I have no idea what that means! When I don’t ask no one donates!) Sometimes people stop commenting when I ask for donations. I posted a request for donations on facebook once and no one clicked the like button or commented, which is really odd because normally I get at least 80 likes per status update in the facebook page for EFB. The message that I get from this is that nobody ‘liked’ me asking for my needs to be met… and that also reminds me of the dysfunctional family system that I write about here in Emerging from Broken.
Very often people send me advice about how to change the website to a membership site that people have to pay for. But the thing is that I don’t want to change the site; It works this way. It is free to ALL. It is helping people; whoever wants to access the information on it. I know that not everyone can afford to hire me to do one on one work, just like I know that not everyone who reads my work can afford to give a donation to it, but I want you to understand that free content is not free. I pay a webmaster monthly to do the security and back-ups and updates on this site. I pay for the auto responder and the hosting fees. The way that I developed this community was and still is intentional. I don’t do it for me; I already know all this stuff. This is my gift to a hurting world. I am working on a book and on some work books but meanwhile while I find the time to finish them in-between clients, all the email and comments, I am asking to have help with my expenses for publishing and maintaining this website.
In a relationship based on equal value, everyone’s needs are considered. My needs are important too. I give my heart and soul to this work because I have such a passion for the message of truth, which I believe is the only path to healing from childhood trauma. And I am asking for my needs to be considered. IF you can; If you are able, please consider helping with the costs of running this website.
Since posting my request for help 4 days ago in the previous blog post, I have gratefully received 5 donations totalling $85.00. 3 of them were from people who donate every month. I was a little disappointed that my request was not ‘heard’ or validated in any way by so many. It costs me $200.00 a month to maintain this site. That is $2400.00 a year. When I don’t get enough donations, I have to pay them out of own pocket. And for the first year and a half, I did.
I spend a minimum of 6 hours a day on this website, answering comments, email and writing new articles. I paid thousands of dollars for the therapy and courses that I took in order to qualify me to do this work that I freely share with all of you. All I am asking in return is please, please, consider contributing to the maintenance of this site. It isn’t fair that I contribute so freely to this community and have to pay for the expenses of it too.
If I were your waitress, would you tip me? Not because it is the ‘right’ thing to do but because I am worth it; because I go that extra mile. If I were in your city, would you buy me a cup of coffee? If I had a self-help book, would you buy it? There are 370 articles all with discussions on this site. There are 22,500 comments in the discussions and tons of feedback from me in those discussions. I read every comment and respond to most. That is one heck of a self-help book!
If I had $20.00 for every time someone told me that my website has helped them more than any therapy they have ever had, therapy that they paid for, my expenses would be paid in advance for years.
I understand if you are unable to donate, my intention with this request is not make anyone feel ‘bad’. I am not trying to inspire any feelings of “obligation”; that is against my entire message of the real definition of love. If this post makes you uncomfortable, think about why. In all likelihood whatever feelings come up over this have nothing to do with me. I had to do a lot of work on where my money beliefs came from and I know many of us here have been taken advantage of when it comes to money but my work in this site speaks for itself about my intentions and about my character.
I don’t want people to stop commenting if they are unable to contribute to the costs of this work. I am just stating MY needs. Again, this is not a guilt trip.
Please help if you can. There is a donate button in the upper right side bar.
If you are not comfortable using pay pal to donate, please email me through the contact form and I will send you my snail mail address.
Here is the way that I would love to see this turn out. If you can donate, GREAT, I will do the happy dance; if you can’t, let’s just keep going the way we are; lets keep talking and sharing and I will still be happy that you are here reading this gift that I’ve always intended to give no matter what.
Thank you so much for being part of this site. As well as financial assistance, I appreciate each of you and all your contributions in the form of comments and support of my work and for each other.
Thank you for reading this post. Please feel free to comment, share your feelings about this request for my needs to be met or your feelings about money in general.