Getting Unstuck on the Journey to Emotional Healing~ The Discussion



Getting Unstuck on the Healing Journey

Getting Unstuck on the Healing Journey

If you have not already downloaded my complimentary Guide to Getting Unstuck on the Journey to Emotional Healing, please grab a copy of it now! There is a box in the right hand side bar here>>> just fill in your first name (or any name you wish to use) and your primary email address and you will be sent the download link. In this 9 page mini booklet I answer some of the most popular questions that I get here on the Emerging from Broken blog, privately through the contact form and on the Emerging from Broken Facebook Page.


Welcome to the discussion page for the Guide to Getting Unstuck on the Journey to Emotional Healing.

As you may notice when you read the guide, there is a common thread expressed through the most popular questions that I get asked. Behind the questions is the belief that the people who have been authority in our lives are ‘right’. That if the people that have authority in our lives say in words or with actions such as disregard or disrespect, that we don’t deserve better or that we are not worthy, then for some reason their opinion is not questioned as much as it is ‘accepted’.

This is because for most of us it was communicated to us from a very young age that ‘they’ know best and that ‘they’ are right and that ‘they’ are not to be questioned. This belief is linked to the belief that ‘without them’ we may not survive. As an adult I had to work very hard at realizing that I COULD survive; through facing the origins of my belief system and how it was formed I was able to see my own strength; I was able to take my life back and learn to love myself and take care of myself. I learned this by seeing the truth about why I believed that I was ‘less important’ and why I ‘accepted’ that my needs were less valid than the needs of others. Seeing the roots of why I believed this about myself enabled me to see that it was a lie and that I was just as worthy and valid as everyone else on this planet!

People in authority are not always right just because they are in authority. I had not considered that truth when I was a child and growing up because of my dependence on those people. Going against the adults and caregivers in my life threatened my survival and therefore my life. That was true then. Seeing that it was no longer true was a huge part of how I was able to take my life back and overcome the manifestations of trauma, abuse and neglect. (When I refer to the manifestations I am referring to the resulting struggles such as depressions, post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociative identity disorder, anxiety, eating disorders, low self-esteem and a few other common issues.)

There is another common belief expressed behind these questions; it leaks out through the questions how many of us had never been taught that we have the right to have boundaries and how habitual it is to accept that our feelings are not valid. I was taught that I ‘had’ to accept things the way they were. The funky part of that teaching is that many of the things I learned to accept were truly unacceptable but they were so normalized that I didn’t know they were wrong; in some cases the treatment was even illegal. I had to learn right from wrong when it came to the ways I was being treated and I had to learn about having healthy boundaries.

These basic rights issues come up over and over again and part of healing and taking my life back was about realizing that I had a right to be happy, I could actually think for myself with my own brain, I could say no and although it took a while for me to stop feeling like a horrible person for saying no, once I really validated that I have rights and choices and found out why I thought I didn’t have that right, it got much easier. I don’t live under obligation anymore. I live in truth.

I finally realized that I did not need to be validated by the very people who invalidated me in order to be okay.  I learned how to move past those old stick points and validate myself by seeing the truth about what happened to me and how I LEARNED to see myself.

I am creating this page for the purpose of discussion about the Guide to Getting Unstuck on the Healing Journey. Please feel free to add your comments, express your feelings and discuss the questions that are covered in the Guide here. Remember that you may use any name you wish to use on this site and that only the name you post in the comment form will appear and be seen by others. Your email address is private. The URL box is optional for people who have a website of their own and would like to be identified with their own site. If you don’t have a website please leave the box blank. I look forward to reading the comments in this discussion!

Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet                                                    

The e-book mentioned in this guide has been published! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Categories : Freedom Rocks



Hi Darlene:
Again spot on as usual. This statement stuck out to me:

“The funky part of that teaching is that many of the things I learned to accept were truly unacceptable but they were so normalized that I didn’t know they were wrong; in some cases the treatment was even illegal.”

In our house, (I would never call it a home) my emotions, good or bad, feelings, opinions, needs, wants and dreams were not allowed. Only my father (the abusive narcissist) could have any of these things. They were forbidden me and if I strayed and expressed myself I was punished. I learned to stuff all of it inside and not let it out. Stuffing all of it (by age 10) caused terrible emotional damage to me. I self harmed and took it out on myself and was punished for that.

There was no accountability on the part of my parents for this self harm, all the accountability fell to me (remember age 10). I was bad because I was bad. Once that was decided, it became an accepted fact and all interactions for the rest of my life (!) were governed by that fact.
No matter what was done to me, I had to put up, shut up and deal with it. There were no exceptions. Emotional response to anything was “craziness”.
I tried for years to “prove my worth” to my family. I was stuck in that trap. It is a trap and keeps you in the position of the family slave always trying to show them that you have value. Of course they will never admit it.
Because of this blog, I finally saw what had been happening to me all my life. What kept a smart, out going, friendly, talented person as everyone’s doormat and her family’s belittled servant.
I hold them accountable now for childhood abuse. I see it as a duty to myself to be the person that I want to be. I am changing my coping, learning to stand up for myself, and trying to adjust how I interact with others, for everything I was taught about myself was wrong.
Its definately a new beginning for me and they will not be allowed another chance to be part of my life.


Hi Karen
Excellent comments, thanks for sharing here. That is the bottom line isn’t it: that everything I / we were taught about ourselves/myself was ‘wrong’ and I had to undo all that false teaching about the way I was defined and about the way relationship works. It was exhausting at times but wow, with the clarity of the truth came freedom and energy!
Hugs, Darlene


I am so glad you are taking care of yourself with the comments. <3


Hi, Karen.

I relate to the idea that any emotional response is “craziness.” I always questioned my sanity, especially near the end of my relationship with my parents, when my reactions became explosive. The term “abuse” had just started floating around in my head, and I was scared. I was eerily reminded how my mentally ill sister threw the term “child abuse” around a lot during her episodes and during her stay at the hospital. During that earlier time, I didn’t understand what my sister was referring to. I felt bad for my mother that my sister’s paranoia affected my mom that way. Many years after my sister’s suicide, here I was having fits of anger and crying with the term “child abuse” floating in my head. …and I thought, “Is it true? Am I crazy after all?”

I was blessed to have met my future husband during this turning point for my healing. I don’t remember the details. It involved cake and my parents speaking nonsense. Something hit a nerve, and I went off. To that my father pointed at me, looking at my future husband and said, “See? See how she is?” My beau immediately retorted, “Everything was fine until you came into the room.” That was the shift in my universe.

Years later… I haven’t spoken to my parents for five years. Turns out, I’m not hot-headed after all.



Darlene! Wonderful pamphlet!
I took so many notes I basically copied the whole thing. I’ll be sharing more thoughts on it soon.
Thank you!!


Yes the finger was pointed at me many times with similar words when I was distraught
and unable to cope with some valid hurt. Once I was labeled as the problem,
all my family stopped taking my opinions and feelings seriously as though I had
been diagnosed crazy. Not only feelings but clothing, hobbies, occupation,
everything about me was distained. They were entitled and I was not.
They are still that way. But I am no contact. With my husband and I out of
the picture I am actually curious who is their new scapegoat.
Hugs Karen


Hello. Haven’t been here in a few weeks, but as always when I do come there is always something that compels me to write…which is great therapy on my road to emotional healing.

I first came to these boards on December 29, 2012. My world was shattering around me as I began to learn for the first time in my life, that not only was I severely emotionally neglected and abused as a child, but it continued and was even magnified in my adult years.

At 52 years old I found myself divorced, without a job and without any healthy, normal relationships. I spent months of hard physical labor to remodel my mother’s basement so I had a place to live and she had someone to help her in her declining years.

After only a couple weeks at my mother’s home I began to realize that my mother not only neglected her 13 children when they were minors, but she has been manipulating, lying and taking advantage of them all through their adult years as well. The very moment I confronted my mother on what I was seeing….she made it her one goal to put me in the street. She did what she has always done….she lied, dramatized and manipulated my siblings to get most of them against me and had them so whipped up into a frenzy that they were even actually trying to have me arrested! (Until they found out that speaking the truth is not against the law).

With the help of this forum, my therapist and a plethora of reading I have done on the effects of childhood trauma, I finally for the first time in my life knew the source of all that had always plagued me. IT WAS MY FAMILY AND THE BELIEF SYSTEM THEY HAD INSTILLED IN ME. The problem with that belief system…..IT IS NOTHING BUT A PACK OF LIES.

I have never wanted to get away from a group of people as much as I wanted to get away from my toxic family members when I came to this realization. Therefore, even though I had just moved into my mother’s house and worked for months remodeling her basement, I looked for, found and moved within 2 weeks.

I moved in my new place on May 1st, 2013. It’s a little cozy apartment for one; in a beautiful neighborhood with flowering trees, a market on the corner and a lovely park only blocks away. But the best thing about it…no one in my family knows where it is or how to contact me. My whole life I thought I would die if I were alone. After the realization I had at my mother’s house, there is nothing I want more.

I AM strong. I AM independent. The only thing my family ever gave me was a complex, shame, addiction, no self-esteem…etc. Thankfully, since I have so many siblings I do have 2 older sisters that left the family years ago. I contacted them and they have been very supportive. When they walked away from the family, I was really puzzled as to why. I didn’t understand why they didn’t want to be around “us” anymore…well, now I know.

For all of you out there who may just be starting out on your journey to wholeness the best advice I can give you is to always seek and face the truth…you will be shocked what you learn. Abuse in my family was actually retold as funny and/or cute stories from the past. After that realization, the flood gates opened and I see new truths every day now. Getting to the truth might be scary at first, but once you get there, living in the truth is a freedom unlike I have ever experienced before. I truly feel like I have been reborn…at 52 years old.

Thanks for all your wonderful writings Darlene. They have been immeasurably helpful to me! Smiles!


Thanks Jodi!

Thanks Malina! I look forward to your additional comments!

Everyone ~ I am having a terrible time with this post! For some reason it is generating thousands and thousands of spam comments and causing some of the real comments to go into the spam folder. I have no way to weed these legit comments out of the spam folder without reading through them!
I am going to leave this post open for a few more days but eventually I will have to close the comments in order to halt the problem I am having.
hugs, Darlene


Hi Connie!
Congrats on your move and esp on your statement: “I AM strong. I AM independent” Wow, your new apartment sounds lovely!
Thank you for sharing and for your compliment!
hugs, Darlene


I love the story if your rebirth. Congratulations!

Regarding Darlene’s wonderful pamphlet… I love the line “I had to learn to stop seeking validation from the same people who caused the harm in the first place.” This is so profound. I definitely had the misguided logic if if only I could explain things clearly enough, be convincing enough, my mom would understand how she was hurting me and would stop. …and I would have proof that I was right to be upset. That’s another gem if Darline’s: the obsession to gather proof! But back to the idea of validation… I was frightened for so long that there’s something that needs to get done before my mother dies. …that if I don’t figure it out and heal before that, that I’d be stuck in an uncurable misery forever. So many people support this idea if reaching a mutual understanding to heal, which is why this truth is so important. I met with a therapist about my trouble getting over my mother after our split. He told me that must mean that no contact doesn’t sit right with me. He encouraged me to figure out a way of having a little contact with the eventual possibility of reconciliation. He was trying very hard not to be pushy, as my face must have given away my total repulsion. I never understood that idea. Did he not understand what a difficult choice it was in the first place? And what I must have gone through to conclude that it was my only choice? And then the confusion and pain of following through? Did he not understand how a daughter, especially a “good daughter,” would feel conflicted no matter what was “right?” Thank goodness I was in close contact with an insightful friend of mine at the time who’s immediate reaction upon me telling her was, “Doesn’t he understand that you’re MOURNING?” and we dismissed him as a quack. My friend was right. I had just lost my father to death, lost my mom for self preservation, and previously lost my sister to death. And here I was encouraged to search my feelings for clues about what I might have done wrong.

I hope this post makes it!


Hi Malina
WOW great comments! Supporting that idea is crazy and it never works; I am so glad that I realized it! That therapist couldn’t be more wrong about his assessment. I have found out time and time again that if I don’t deal with the root belief system that was formed in me and change it back to the truth, I will not ‘get over’ what ever it is that happened even if I go no contact etc. It isn’t about resolving the conflict, it is about validating that there was damage.
you are going to love the article that I just published today. (see the home button)
Thanks for sharing
Hugs, Darlene


My new post is published! ~ “Honor your mother and father; is drawing a boundary a sin” ~ hope you will visit there and perhaps leave a comment!



I loved your comments too. When I first came to this site I remember the phrase you quoted being HUGE for me.

“I had to learn to stop seeking validation from the same people who caused the harm in the first place.”

Some of my siblings who are toxic, with my narcissistic mother pulling their strings, were so horrible to me it was unimaginable. I’ve been in my new place for a few weeks now, and so far I feel no regret, no yearning for them or missing them. I feel nothing but relief. However, this does not change the fact that there is an inexplicable sadness within me around the relationship I had, and now don’t have, with my mother.

I believe the sadness is mostly related to just how badly I was neglected as a child, and even though I was among the best of her 9 daughters…if I did not “protect” her lies and manipulations, she had no use for me. The sadness is from being a human being who was not loved by their mother. It’s a tragic and devastating realization, but it in no way means we are not lovable…it just means one person out of billions on this planet, is incapable of loving us the way we deserve to be loved.

Stay strong Malina. We can do this…together!


If your OUT cause you speak truth
Hold your head high
Don’t let lies tarnish your joy of life
You know you will not budge from the truth that is
See those that cannot face truth as they are
So loose anger as pity it should be
Move forward follow feeling
Live life free

My words of motivation to myself to help move past anger at being disbelieved, invalidated, abused, threatened & manipulated etc…and then cast out cut off from all of the ‘family’ for voicing truth & standing up for myself. I’m not there fully yet still struggle with my undeveloped sense of self worth…but can at least now see why I am lacking and where I need to get to with even a few tools now to help me get there hopefully.


Hi Maria
Welcome! ~ Thank you for sharing some of your story and your words of encouragement.
When I realized that I could fill in the gaps for myself and develop my own self worth where it has never been set in place in the first place, I found hope and hope was the first key!
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Darlene, I am new here. I was taught as a child that girls don’t have the same value as boys. And that an average looking girl had less value than a pretty girl. As the only daughter, with two brothers I was the lowest member of the family. My father was a perfectionist. I feared his criticism. My mother flew off the handle if I asked her for basic things. She also put me down a lot. I became very fearful and thought of myself as inferior. Kids viewed me as a doormat and made fun of me. I couldn’t even respond to them. I just froze up. What an eye opener the Getting Unstuck pamphlet has been. I realized that all along I thought that I had brought this on myself. Even when an adult was clearly wrong (like when a sales lady accused me of trying to take something, falsely of course), I would feel guilt even though I wasn’t wrong! I had been groomed that way. Even though I’m just at the beginning of this process I’m feeling like I have direction now and it makes me feel much stronger. I look forward to continuing on this journey!


I have just discovered this website, and I must say you are writing about me! I never cry. Even when I am frustrated, sad, mad, angry or whatever..I never even mourned my Father properly, because we had to prop up my mother during that time. I feel ashamed and weak for feeling like crying. I ‘buck’ up…and I do feel that if I ever DID start, I would never stop. I, too, watch sad movies…just to cry. I am reading further and hope to discover more of myself!


Hi Amber,
Welcome to EFB ~ I am glad that you enjoyed the guide! Yes, it was so freeing for me to realize that I actually believed that I brought this on myself. I had been groomed exactly that way too. I am glad you are here!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Rose,
Welcome to EFB
Glad you are here! Thank you for sharing. yes this is a common problem!
Hugs, Darlene


I never leave comments on websites – but wanted to thank you for your guide and your courage to set up a site that is so… essential. I had goose bumps as I read through your guide – you are able to articulate clearly so many things that I have been dealing with for a very, very long time. I justed wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart – I could never begin to explain how deeply your guide has helped. MERCI Darlène, bless you.


Hi Lara
welcome to EFB and thank you for leaving a comment and for your validating feedback about the guide!!
Hugs, Darlene


When the belief systems were instilled in me it took over 50 years to finally get a clear idea of what I actually believed myself. I am now working through all the garbage I have suffered through in my young years. I appreciate you having a site like this for people to come to.


Thanks Darlene! I love your website! It’s so refreshing to feel validated. For my entire life I could never explain to anyone why I was bad…I just “was” according to my parents & others around me. Tried to download your guide, but have had no luck so far. Ironic that I am doing my best to become unstuck & cannot access your guide. Don’t you think?

In the meantime I ran across this nugget of information that just really spoke to my soul today about the misuse of power by those who mistreated/abused me over the years. Obviously, there are so many of us who have lived with the emotional pain from abuse. Thought I’d share (the first part sets up who the power figure(s) is/are:

‘Authority figures (AF) can be parents, partners, teachers, principals, supervisors,religious figureheads, cult leaders, etc. Dependents can be children, partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc. What matters is that there is a power imbalance and a dependence of some sort, whether physical, financial, “spiritual,” psychological or emotional.

The AF is only responsible and accountable for good things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the AF’ appears to always be in the right and when things go wrong, the dependent is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.’

I struggled with this aspect all my life. I could kind of see what was going on, but the AFs in my life (there have been many!) would discount my feelings of being used (gaslighting all the way). They’d often say that I was a spoiled brat, that I was “causing the trouble,” that they were “good” to me (my mother often threw that in my face growing up & also as an adult). The last one did a really good job of instilling guilt in me. After all, how can one question a parent when she/he was simply doing things out of the “goodness” of her/his heart? Sickening & twisted behavior….it never ceases to amaze me just how many people my parents employed (or unwittingly bought into their side of the story) to make themselves look like heroes. A true hero doesn’t need to crush a child’s self-esteem or belittle him/her in front of others. My parents & other AFs are not/were never, ever heroes. Even to this day, my dad claims that it is solely me who has the problems. It makes me sad that he will continue to lie about his behavior that has caused me to go NC. He can lie all he wants, but it will change nothing. Too bad that most people are only willing to listen to the side of the abuser(s) without questioning the behavior of the abused when there are clearly always two very distinct sides to every story. They choose to stand with the abuser & even feel sorry for him/her/them. I find it truly unbelievable that people would rather listen to lies than to bother to seek out the truth. Their loss! At least I no longer need to waste my time defending myself.

Thanks for letting me & everyone else here vent, Darlene. It’s so very healing to acknowledge the truth. Hope this comes through. Sorry about all the spam. Seems it comes with trying to do a good deed.



” I finally realized that I did not need to be validated by the very people who invalidated me in order to be okay.”

Indeed ! That stuck out to me, along with all the lessons I am learning on this journey of recovery if you will. It is like going on a date with someone who raped, violated you in the past, anticipating a love connection. Really, that’s insanity, makes no sense, but the real way I was thinking. I was living in this dome called denial,and couldn’t see the truth. I have not spoken to my mom for months now, almost a year. Dealing with a lot of stuff emotionally. My reality was that I was holding on to nothing, griping it tight, and released it only to find nothing in my hand. I do have a belief in God and I know that I have been in His hands this entire time and give Him credit for my sanity.
Thanks for this forum. It helps to know I am not alone.



While reading Karen’s post, it brought up so many memories. Her story is eerily similar to mine. I ended up becoming anorexic/bulimic at 12. In my mind, with all the chaos and abuse going on in my family being able to control something,(anorexia/bulimia) was comforting and brought a sense of peace. (Peace at a terrible price). I remember having thoughts when I was younger, that I would say to myself, “these people are crazy, and they call me the crazy one!!” I totally agree with feeling I needed to have tons of proof. I too thought if I could prove to them that they were wrong, if I could find someone to agree with me, and then tell them that they were wrong. If only, if only. It is psychological torture that the gaslighting and misdirecting causes. I wonder if it does make one a little crazy. My husband many times, has had to tell me to stop, let it go. Say one sentence and let it be. “You don’t need to prove to anyone.” Even today, I know deep in my heart, that if I come from a place of love and SELFLESSNESS, this is not wrong. It kills me how this can be poisoned by my family members. My therapist would always say to me, Raven, these people do not play fair, so why are you trying to fit in or change them. I logically know the truth, it’s just that my heart still carries so much pain. And sometimes this causes me to misstep. I am working on how to be gentle to myself, as this was never done to me of for me.


Yeppers, I can relate to a lot of things in the guide. Authority. My mom did the “my house my rules” thing. Ok, fine. That means I wanted to get out of the house as soon as I could. But she kept making excuses as to why I should not. She even gave me the “we will pay for college as long as you go, but if you quit, you are on your own.”

Ok, I quit after my sophomore year, stayed out for three years. Then I got student loans to pay for the last two years. then I got the “why are you taking out student loans when we can pay?” Um…. cuz YOU SAID……..

To my mom, money = control. She will deny this.

I can remember in freshman year of college, when my college mates wanted to “go somewhere” during spring break. I can remember thinking…. “I can’t go, my mom expects me to go home during spring break.” My college mates were so shocked at me saying that. Well, mom was paying for college, so because she was paying for college, I had to do what “she wanted me to do.” Her house, her rules. Her money, her rules. I finally “asked permission” to go on that spring break trip. Mom had to think about it, but she let me. All I can remember is my college mates feeling “free” to do what they wanted, yet I felt I had to ask my mother for every thing I did. I got so tired of this “asking permission” crap. When I quit college and had to live in the tiny apartment, and could barely pay the bills, I felt SO FREE!

So why am I in my 50’s and still having these struggles? Because of the “expectations.” Mom always told me that when I grew up I could choose to do what I wanted. NOPE! What she “meant” was…. “YOu had better do what your dad and mom would do.” So, I got a job and moved 3,000 miles away. That helped a lot, I only had to “endure” Christmas, which I purposely scheduled for only two days, (sorry mom had to get around blackout periods!) then I would be free for another 363 days. Then I decided to move back closer to Mom since she was getting older. BIG MISTAKE! I should have stayed 3,000 miles away.

Thank you Darlene for the guide. It’s a good supplement for a book I’m reading called HEALING FROM FAMILY RIFTS.


Hi DXSmac
Glad you like the guide!
I totally relate to what you said even though the money thing was not part of the dysfunction in my own situation. (my parents had other ways to control me, but the money way you use examples of here is very very common and you describe it in a clear way)
There are many ways that controlling parents jerk their adult kids around. Once we start to see what they are, we can see the dysfunction (entitlement and ownership is always at the root of this crap) and we can make a decision for ourselves about what is best and begin to embrace healing.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Darlene. Thank you for your wonderful sight. I had a few epiphanies this week about my right to be happy and the obligation thing you mention. I have two mothers (one by birth and one my adoption) and I have major issues with both of them. I decided this week after another argument with one of them to let it go. To stop wasting emotional energy discussing the “drama” again and again, that I have a right to be happy, and for the most part – I am, except in relation to the two of them. Wow what an insight! I don’t have to spend time with people who lie, try to control me or criticize me or my children. Freedom is exactly how I would describe it. I happened upon your sight last night to see if others had also felt these things. And to my surprise is that there is a whole community saying the same things I have felt in my lifetime. The biggest difficulty I find is trying to explain to people who had “normal” mothers that yours is completely wacky when she turns on the charm to everybody else. Thank you.


I think my mom treats me the way she was treated, and doesn’t know any better. I don’t feel she treated my sisters any better or worse. My sisters and I are all so different, that we each reacted to her in different ways. Our separate issues are separate and unique to each of us. I think my mom felt that whatever way she was treated was good enough for her, and so it’s good enough for us. Why are we rebelling? She didn’t rebel. I feel concerned for her welfare, but I feel no love to her, or from her. We aren’t allowed to rebel against how she treats us, but boy, if we hurt her feelings, WAAA WAAAAA WAAAAA…… I know Darlene wrote a blog entry somewhere around here about things being “one sided…..” All this time I thought something was wrong with ME because I felt no love to her. I’ve had plenty of relationships, but felt no real love for any of the relationships, because I “faked it.” “Faking it” is what I learned from Mom. Nothing is “real” in our family.


Hi Lynn G.
Welcome to EFB
Another freedom is realizing that I don’t have to explain to anyone else either. I have also discovered that people that have loving parents actually understand what I am talking about; it is the people still stuck in defending their own abusive /discounting parents that fight harder against what I am saying. It’s actually makes sense that it is that way too. People who KNOW what love really is, don’t think my mother is very loving. 🙂
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene


This was one of the keys in recovery for me; I had to realize that I had never been taught the true definition of love or of respect, etc. So much was fake. So much was a lie. It was in seeing those lies that helped me so much to find the truth. As long as I accepted the lies, I didn’t LOOK for the truth. That was where I had been stuck for SO long. That is how “brainwashing” works. That is why I write the way I write; in a fog-busting way. LOL
Hugs, Darlene


Ditto!!! DXSMac and Darlene!!! I wish there was a like or agree button.
Some people get it and a lot don’t get. I am starting to realize that it doesn’t
Matter! I say to myself that God knows and He is the ultimate judge and all that
Really matters!


After discovering your website, about an hour ago, after googling ‘being rejected by an abusive families’ (both paternal and maternal in my case), I feel like i’ve just emerged from my 44 yr cocoon. Its been such a difficult journey for me to accept the pathetic family I was born into when I see so many loving families around me. Its not fair, I deserved better as a child and I still do but I guess its just not meant to be for me. At least my kids won’t know the pain of rejection of this magnitude.
Thank you for helping to free me,


Hi Dawna-Llyn
Welcome to EFB ~ YES we all deserved better. That is such an important fact/truth.
Glad you are here, thanks for your comments.
Hugs, Darlene


A Getting Unstuck moment for me was realizing that my mother is not unique at all. Not even very original.

As a child I lived in awe of her as the centre of my little universe. She was a force that did not need to obey the laws applying to everything and everyone else. An exception had been granted to her by some divine decree. Yeah, right 🙂


Starting the path to getting unstuck (not there yet) was realizing that I did NOT have my parents on a pedestal. My mom once said to me, “You had your parents on a pedestal, you thought they could do no wrong….”

NO! I never had the pedestal. She is the one who wanted to be on the pedestal.



both my parents needed to be the center of attention, my dad the alcoholic (who’s been arrestedly developed since he started drinking as a teen) and a schizophrenic mother. My whole childhood it was all about them, never me and its still that way. My mom is always judging people for the same crimes that she herself is allowed to commit. Haven’t talked to the ‘old man’ in ten yrs.
I see many loving parents in the world and sometimes it makes me cry and cry and cry … sad for me, sad for my kids but happy for the people who have their love. The pain helps me to be more to my kids than just a coincidence.


For me this process has been about filling that void left in me by the trauma and neglect, for myself. That is the goal and the key that led me to freedom. I validated the pain and the details that resulted in that pain. I heard myself, the small child who longed to be loved. I gave myself what I needed in all the places that ‘they’ failed to give it to me. I saw the truth. That is what this site is about.
Hugs! Darlene


I don’t think I’ve posted before. I grew up with an emotionally abusive and absent mother. My father enabled her behaviors. Although, I do believe he loved me. My mother never showed love. I developed anxiety and other issues. I was determined to leave the house and develop a loving family of my own and I have for the most part. The thing is, since my father has passed away (and he did EVERYTHING for her), she can’t seem to do much on her own. She is 71 and lives 25 miles from me. She has always been rather narcissistic with apparently a dependency disorder. Since Dad has been gone, she wants me to take her places, but it can be so inconvenient for me for various reasons. I will continue my fretting shortly.


Anyhow, it has been a stressful 47 years. She never had much of an interest in me and didn’t care about being at important events. She doesn’t even care much about my children unless she needs them to show off to someone.
She doesn’t really take care of herself nor her house. She has a dog which she has never potty trained. For this reason, I won’t go inside her house, it smells terribly. She can’t bother with even calling a cleaning lady. If things don’t go her way, she is so upset. However, all along, she can never see how it is for someone else (obviously zero empathy). I take her some places since she doesn’t like to drive in the dark or highways. Often, though, she loses her money and I have to cover for her (she has very good retirement left from Dad).
I just saw her 2 days ago from me driving her (a total 70 miles on my part)and now today, she says “if you do anything exciting, make sure to include me!.” I was stunned. I never mattered to her before Dad passed, but now that she needs things………….
when I was in college, I worked hard for tuition and she did give me $1000 a year for a few years to help. Dad gave me a check for spending money ($12 a week) and a little note with it (he was often kind and affectionate). Also, my Dad would call me once a week to chat. Mother never called and never sent me anything. Now, she doesn’t bother sending my one sister anything for Christmas or birthday. For my other sister and myself, she hands us a little cash from her purse for our birthdays.
My youngest sister is disabled and I believe that my Mom trained her to be much like herself. She expects things, shows no gratitude, and doesn’t try to be self-sufficient (more disabled than her have jobs). Because my sister has made some careless decisions and she listens to no one, the county DD people asked me to step in to be guardian. I am now her guardian, and my mother behaves like she needs one too, however, I have enough. My husband does go to her house 2X a month to help her with bills. But, I don’t think we should have to clean her house when she is only 71!! And is it selfish of me to think like this? She has never helped me with anything (outside a couple of thousand for college) and it has been a slap in the face when I struggled and she wouldn’t be there for me. She expects me to drive her to Florida and Michigan every year, that’s another story.
Anyhow, at dinner tonight, my youngest (who doesn’t remember my Mom being mean to her) replied when I said I won’t go to grandma’s because of the dog mess, “Well she is your mom!”


The word I keep hearing a lot from FOO is that I have to “compromise”. When I hear that from any person, I get so angry that I want to slap them on their face and tell them not to poke their heads in my business.


Hi Kris,
Welcome to EFB ~
You are not being selfish. Something that helped me a lot was to keep reminding myself that I had a choice about everything in my life. (just like everyone else including parents have a choice about they way they act, live, etc.) I have a choice about what I have to do and what I don’t have to do. I do not ‘have’ to do things for people who don’t show respect etc. for me just because I am related to them.
hugs, Darlene


Hi Sahitha
I was also told that I had to compromise with people who would not compromise. I was told to love people who did not love. I was told to respect people who did not respect.
hugs, Darlene


I can so relate to every post in here it hurts.
In my mother’s world, only physical abuse counts as an abuse.
God damn it I thought I have moved on, I had a pretty good life and allowed her to ruin it in less than half a year. Thanks to this my entire childhood is now coming back again. When will this nightmare end again? I want to be myself again. Therapy only makes it worse for me, it is like wallowing in your own sorrow and opening old wounds. I look at myself in the mirror and see how stress has almost killed me in less than a year, I get up and think I can’t do this anymore and I’m not even 30. How do you guys do the healing thing?


Choice! Funny how Darlene is mentioning this here. I always forget I DO have a choice and that I do not owe any explanation to my family or to anyone else for that matter…


Hi Sandra
This whole site is about the “How” I did it part. 🙂 Getting stuck in the old pain was part of it for me too, until I went deeper and looked at the beliefs that resulted FROM the events that were traumatic. That was when I was able to see the lies that were attached to those beliefs and finally changed them.
There is hope!
hugs, Darlene


RE:#45, I think I am starting to understand the “how” part. I have gotten stuck too. Last night I was transported back to an incident from 5th grade. I had written a short story about a girl who was the star in an upcoming choral concert who suddenly gets laryngitis a few days before the big show. So I get called on to read it in front of the class. I had liked my story but the teacher proceeded to pick it apart, including telling me it was a stupid topic to write about. The damage was the humiliation I felt as the class snickered while the teacher gave all his negative comments. Further damage was my loss of confidence in my judgement for thinking my story was good up until the teacher said it wasn’t. This reinforced what happens at home when my parents picked on my choices and decisions and judgements. From that day on I never volunteered in class, except in math where I was positive I was a good student beyond a doubt.
My beliefs were that I couldn’t write a good story, and that I couldn’t even tell that mine was bad. I believed that because the teacher said it was bad, then it was bad. I also believed it was not safe to get up in front of the class because I couldn’t even tell whether my work was good or not and I could get ridiculed by the teacher and classmates if it wasn’t.
But last night while rehashing this I saw the lies. Some of the big ones were that the teacher is the ultimate judge and whatever he says is right. He wasn’t right in he way he handled this, or about my story. Because the other big lie was that my story was bad. NO! My ten year old judgement was right that day. My story was good! I liked it, it had a good plot, including a problem and the problem got resolved at the end.
Changing the lies to the truth, the teacher was wrong that day.he was wrong in humiliating me and publicly too. He was wrong about my story. And another truth was that I do have pretty good judgement on whether or not I’ve done a good job on something. And that was a day when I had done a good job on my story. I feel it in my gut, but it had been squashed down by an insensitive teacher. That is the truth!


Interesting comment on the 5th grade. Last night I too was transported back to the 1st grade
And a very mean teacher who screamed at me in front of
Everyone then dragged me to the office to call my mom because I as
A 6 year old failed to bring a paper home to be signed. Last night
I thought about her and wondered if she had known I was being beaten at
Home would she have treated me that way? And I was forever
Impacted by her treatment of me at such a young age.
Amber I so sorry you insured that from a teacher! I know exactly how you feel.
Teachers need to treat children with the care and respect they deserve no matter
How young they are.


I hadn’t thought about this in years! Well, I was a big “why do I have to do it THAT way?” kid. If you said I HAD to do it X way, I would say “WHY?” I got in trouble a lot for “why.”

My second grade teacher (who had a reputation for being MEAN, she tied a student to her chair because she wouldn’t stay in her seat) told us to trace a leaf on paper, make a lot of them. Well, she said start at the top of the page, and keep tracing across then start below and go across. Well, as a 7 year old, I couldn’t see WHY I had to do it THAT way. I asked WHY. I basically got a “Because I said so” answer. What was wrong with telling me WHY? well, I decided to start in the middle to see what would happen. The teacher held my tracing up in the class and HUMILIATED me. Well, now I do understand why I should have done it the way she said (get more tracings on the paper), but why couldn’t she have just SAID that instead of making it a “power trip” about “whether or not I follow directions?” It’s not that I didn’t want to “follow directions.” I just wanted to understand WHY I had to to it the way she said.

Ok, I’m also one of those people who, if you tell me not to touch the stove, I WILL touch the stove unless you can demonstrate to my satisfaction why I should not.

I just don’t see why explaining why is such a big deal to people. It’s like they don’t like being asked “why.”

I’ll admit, I get frustrated when people say, “Why?” But, knowing how *I* feel about “why?” I always try to give them an answer. When I cannot give an answer, then I know that my way might NOT necessarily be the only way, perhaps there is another way.

My mom is big into “because I said so.” Well, just because you SAID I had to do it doesn’t mean I really have to do it. Just give me a “why.” Ok, I’ll admit maybe I was a pain in the butt on “Why.”


The answer to all those why questions is how we learn about
life! Because I said so teaches nothing of any value. Seems it was a generational
mindset as was public humiliation! If I started yelling at my mother in the grocery
store today the way she yelled at us, she would be mortified. And she should be.
Shame on them. 25 years ago my husband scolded our then 4 yr old and she put her hands on her hips
and said “that’s no way to treat a little kid!”
Amen to that ! Wish I had her courage all those years ago (tho I would have gotten the snot
slapped out of me)


Kathleen, and DXS I’m just seeing your comments now as I haven’t been on here in a few days. It’s so hard to be a kid and not have any power when dealing with adults, especially irrational and unfair ones. I had many such incidents as a child and I couldn’t run to my parents when a teacher or other adult treated me unfairly because I feared getting punished even when in my heart I knew I was right. On another thread I posted about being accused by a saleswoman of trying to steal a handkerchief, when in reality I was standing holding the handkerchief trying to decide if this was the one to buy my mother for Mothers Day. Somehow the woman came to the wrong conclusion and started screaming at me. I remember feeling guil even though I did not do anything wrong. But even worse, I knew I couldn’t go home and tell anyone because I might get punished ( even though I did nothing wrong.) I can tell you, had tht been my kid I’d be down at that store in a flash and would give it to that sales monster! But I didn’t have that option so I held it all inside and felt that even though I didn’t think I was wrong, that I must have still done something to deserve that treatment. I took the blame for something that I didn’t even deserve one percent of the blame for. I kept my silence. I coped in the only way I old have as a nine year old overpowered by an irrational, insensitive adult. That was my survival mode.

Kathleen, I love the way your four year old spoke up. As far as you not having the courage to do the same, for many of us it just wasnt a safe option. It wasn’t a level playing field.



Thank you for such a wonderful website! It is so comforting to know that I am really not alone in my thoughts and feelings.

In reading so much on this site, it has made me realize that my story seems to be going in reverse…

You see, I thought I got unstuck when I left home at 17 to get away from my mother and to explore life on MY terms…and I did for a long time. I got to travel the world, teach overseas,explorre yoga and other healing arts. I have tried all along the way to find ways to heal myself because I did not want to be like my mother, and I found a lot of solace, mostly from strangers or people like me on the path to recovery. I really was doing so well. Having some distance was a great motivator, and exploring toher people and clutures has brought so much to my life.
Now, 30 years later, I find myself back “home”, living right down the street where my I grew up and where my mother and brother still live…and I have never felt so stuck in all my life!!!How does one heal in the middle of the yuck? My family does not want to have anything to with me; coming from my mother and given our non-reaqltionship over the years, my brother is now totally against me and is trying to rook me out of my father’s inheritance. My father was my best friend and when he died, so did a lot of things. Being here is so painful, but-I have also found love with someone here…How can one be in love and still feel like they are dying inside??? How do I pick up the broken pieces when my family is right there, constanly ignoring me and trying everything to undermine not only me, but my love relationship! Do I not at least deserve to find love in my life? They can do what they want. I have had to stop contact, even with my brother, in order to try and move on with my life, but they are always there…I do not know what to do…my spirit feels totally squashed…and I want it back, desperately…

Thank you for listening.


….bad day today 🙁

did you know that there is such thing as adult adoption?
google it!
I wish someone adopted me

when will it end?
i dream of having a house with a back yard and a dog and a family
too bad once it happes i will be the care giver and again no one will be taking care of me
but myabe the sense of happiness and love i am hoping to create will be enough


Darlene, in one of your articles you write how you had to learn to love yourself etc
what if that is not enough?


how do you not get stuck in the sorrow for all those “lost”years?
Lost childhood, stolen youth?
Time stoled by depression, time we will never be able to recover and relive??


Hi Sandra
I can’t imagine it not being enough. Something that helped me a lot was looking at love through a new lens. I had the definition of it all wrong so my idea of self love was cloudy. I did a LOT of work on this subject of love and self love.
hugs, Darlene


thank you Darlene

Oh how do you lift yourself uo on days like that?
I feel like I lost the battle
When I was 18 until the last year I was full of hope, optimistic, kept going forward, I still had some bad days, weeks, months, but I always managed to get myself out.
Now I feel like there is no hope anymore, I let “them”win


I am just angry that if I had at least one “normal” person supporting me, maybe I would have avoided a full blown mental break down last year

Dawna-Llyn Marshall
October 16th, 2013 at 6:06 pm

I’ve become a true crime buff over the yrs and the one thing that has always struck me about the families affected by the traumatic loss of a loved one is the insurmountable love they all share for their deceased child (adult child or small child). I often feel guilty that such bad things have happened to people who were loved and cherished because of how many people their death hurt along the way and think to myself that it should have happened to me instead. At least if I was tragically killed, no one would care and so no one would hurt and those who do love their kids wouldn’t have to feel such pain.


Hi Sandra
At the end of the day (and even though I sought help from a professional) my hope was in me. I kept looking at the details of the truth until I knew that they would never win. They couldn’t ‘win’ when their motives were so nasty. They didn’t ‘love’ and it was up to me to learn what love really was so I could overturn all the false teachings that were stuck in my belief system. I was my hope. 🙂 Hang in there.
Hugs, Darlene


it was up to me to learn what love really was

My mom told me that I had no idea what true love was. In the last letter I sent her, I reiterated that, and admitted, yes, I truly don’t know. After all, who was my role model?


And I wonder what she would say if you asked her to tell you what love really is? And if/when she tells you, ask yourself if that is how YOU were loved by her? This is where I found that there was a double definition of love in the abusive system; “love” that they demand and a different “love” that they give.. in most cases, neither of these is actually love.
hugs, Darlene


I only got “love” (or whatever she wants to call it) if I pretended to be what she wanted. The minute I quit pretending, she acted differently toward me. In one of our fights, I mentioned the “pretending” and of course, she flipped it back to me and said it was “my fault” that I was “pretending.” I HAD to pretend. She loved this “other” person that she wanted me to be. And since that is all I knew how to do, I “pretended” in romantic relationships. To me, “love” means “faking it.” It’s what I watched my Mom do.

The only real love that I have ever felt was toward my dog I had as a child, and to my cat I currently have.


thank you for a good word darlene
I feel like until now “someone” was always standing in a way of my success/ happiness (what is your definition of happiness/ success you may ask)
Either her or a bf.
I almost had it, I had it in my hand…ooops gone


Hi Everyone,
I just published a new post about the grooming process in this whole dysfunctional family mess! There are some highlights in it that may assist you in getting unstuck!
Hope you will start the discussion there! Here is the link! “The Grooming Process of Discrediting Children and the Cycle of Abuse”
hugs, Darlene


The point of validation really did keep me stuck in the dynamic. I would attempt a discussion at different times with different family members. Depending on the family member would depend on the result and it would also depend on the topic.

My sis was NEVER wrong and she’d usually throw something in my face to completely invalidate my feelings. My mom would listen and then be understanding. But if I wanted to revisit at another time she’d get annoyed. And the revisit would come from something she’d said during the previous conversation. Like one day, after I’d said, “It’s not ALL me.” She replied, “No, I don’t think it’s all you. I think it STARTED with you, but I don’t think it’s all you now.”

In the original conversation, I let that go. I’d been caught up in emotion and discussing so many things. I even thought maybe she was right when she’d said it. But after hanging up, I found myself ruminating on that statement and was crying BS. So when I attempted to discuss that statement she got annoyed and told me how she’d like to have a conversation with me that didn’t involve resolving things.

She’d also at times do something later to completely cancel out her perceived understanding of what I’d tell her…like tell me she couldn’t understand my behavior, take sis’s side for something I was resisting.

Sorry if that last part in the last paragraph doesn’t make sense. There was this dynamic that really came to light for me at the beginning of the year and I saw how my mother could see me much more clearly than ever.

Mom would say she knew it was hard for me to get involved with my father’s care (while he was dying) but then say things that pretty much let me know I was obligated to do so. Oh, btw: my parents were divorced and my mom was sort of a fill in for his care if you will.

Anyway, in the last conversation I had with my sister when attempting some resolution and in reality wanting to be validated by her, I got the complete opposite. Duh. Shoulda known better at that point.

Something she said, made me realize this would never be a balanced sisterly relationship. It was that moment I felt myself let go in my mind.

And even though I went back into the mix and continued to get abused for a few months after that. There was an acceptance within for me, plus the realization that I was going to “walk” at some point in the future.

I knew I’d no longer be seeking her validation and I could SEE that is what I had been after. I also began to learn that she was not capable and why, from some things I read. I’d been doing a lot of researching on PDs and other psychological stuff as a result of a super unhealthy relationship that had ended only a year before.

I saw how important her validation was as well as everyone else’s. I wanted to be heard and understood. Something that was sorely missing for me in most of my relationships.

In fact I still feel twinges of wanting that understanding from them. However, I also realize it’s a fantasy. So I have days where I feel my own validation…especially when I begin to feel sad about not having contact with my mother. I think about something touching she did and I feel guilty and sorry for not speaking to her.

Then right after that, I remember why I’m keeping No Response.

A book that has helped me immensely see not only the abuse that was present in my family, but also was a catalyst in helping me realize how it was minimized by my family as well as myself.

The abuse for me was mostly emotional, so I think that’s much more covert and difficult to pin-point in the mind let alone explain it to others.

I also go through the “It wasn’t that bad” thought process at times. But apparently it must have been if I’m suffering many symptoms of PTSD.


I catch myself being like her, starting to respond or react in a way that I know she would. I stop take a breath and regroup and respond appropriately. It’s been 4 months no contact but it’s been 55 years of learned behavior. I have a good support group and I am validated by those around me. I raised my family during those turbulent years and now
It’s hard not to reflect on how my parenting would be different if I did it now, now that I am healing. Did I inadvertently
cause my own children hurt while trying to navigate thru an impossible family dynamic? Makes me sick to think about. My kids are married now and happy. I feel like a healthy strong person at the top of my game which is something I have never felt.
I am at my best now, the years of abuse finally behind me. But everyday I am aware of my behavior and actions. It continues
To be a work in progress


@ Dalene #59

I know the concept of love. I know that love is supposed to feel good and not cause you pain, i know that I was raised in a dysfunctional nasty SWAMP. That’s not the problem. Thank God I am so much different, I like people, I know how to love, I know I will never abuse my own children just because “I had it difficult”. That’s not the point…how do you lift yourself up?? when will I start feeling good and confident again… I really feel like I let them win again. I just now see moe clearly how evil, jelous, simply sick my sister and my mother have always been,how they cannot perceive me as their daughter and sister but as I don’t know an “other woman” they have to compete with.I am N/c with both of them, I believe for good this time, my sister makes me sick. I am jsut so ANGRY I want to scream and punch for what they have done to me, and for what theu did last year, with premeditation, it was a set up. I am pissed because it isw because of them I am having this huge set up now, I am broke, I lost my break through, I am starting all over again, I hit hard bottom, I am depressed again. And I worked so hard and I was doing so well ever since I left their house at the age og 18. It was easier back than too, it was a very beginning of my journey without them. Now I just feel hopeless, naive, like a failure. I keep telling myself I will get back on track once my professional life is back on track but because of this huge set back I feel like mentally I will forever get stuck in my past. I got accepted to this exlusive grad program, very hard to get in, they do not know anything yet….but it does nto start until Sept 2014, I missed the deadline for this year and they did not let me start later. So that adds up to the set back. I feel old… everyone there is like 24 which is the age I was when they screwed up everything, I will be like 27!!! I know it might sound ridiculous and funny to you but it does not to me. I just do not knwo what to do anymore


@ Laura:
I can relate to what you said about your sister. As a kid, as a teenager even recently, whenever I tried to explain our mother’s behavior, ask her for some sort of “protection” she would laugh and say “yeah right…top playing Cindarella, will you?”
And not to mentioned, she actually has always been treating me like a Cindarella’s step sister. I know it sounds funny but that is how I have always felt. DO this do that, if you don’t do this you are selfish, making fun of my looks, accomplishments (now I see clearly it was because of jelousy…that NONE of the remarks have ever been true).
She also cannot apologize, I know I will most likely never hear the words “I am sorry” from her.


YOu know what is the worst: I told someone close about all the thins that happened last year. And you knwo what the response was: “I am sorry but I have to say it: YOu do realize that this is actually all your fault. YOu let them do that. Why didn’t you…? Why did you…? I never knew you fromt his side, you are always so strongly willed”.
So apparently circumstances do not matter. That makes me feel much better.


Hi Darlene. I may have written about this before, but presently I am stuck in truly accepting that my parents were abusive to me. About 18 months ago when I had my breakthrough in awareness that wasn’t the case. It was like an emotional elevator suddenly moved up to the “first floor” of intellectual understanding and I consciously knew I had been abused as a child. But right now I am struggling again with that emotional acceptance. I am also struggling again with alcohol use and deeply suspect that my emotional resistance is tied to the substance use.

In the broadest sense, I wonder why I resist the word ABUSE. I can say without hesitation I was mistreated, my feelings were hurt, I was disrespected, I was criticized too much, I was neglected, I was laughed at. All of this behaviour, I can intellectually understand, means abuse. But I don’t want to take that word on. What is it about that WORD? If anybody else described the experiences I had, I’d have NO problem saying they were abused.

I don’t want that word to touch me and my life. Like everyone, I read and know daily of horror stories and know abuse is “out there”. But I am presently pushing that word at arm’s length. If I accept my childhood as abusive that word has to come forward and I have to be in that horribleness, it can’t just be “out there” in society. I am so resisting it right now, it feels it’d be too close, too intimate, it can’t be me, it must be those poor “others”. And I go through what I guess is the protective mechanism of minimization, “I didn’t have it THAT bad, I wasn’t beaten or struck, they didn’t mean it, they were going through their own struggles, it was the times they grew up in, they weren’t like that all the time”, etc.

I suspect that this going back and forth with acceptance is normal for survivors, but for those with substance use issues acceptance is delayed because consciously or not one is using for that reason, amongst others.

There is something so painful and sickening about taking that word on to my history. I believe it’s also tied to the issue of anger and having to accept that none of that HAD to happen, that I didn’t deserve it, that nothing was done about it, and that it so damaged my life and yet it’s never been acknowledged by family. I must stand alone with that word when family treats our childhood like a ghost that’s poofed away, it’s over, it’s done, and I am “the problem”.

To emotionally accept that word ABUSE is to accept the pain and the anger of injustice, forcing me to see that they were so wrong, and my life got so broken and not a word about why, especially not THAT word.


Born in the way

“What’s wrong?” projecting “concern” over “the problem”

Condescending twisted logic’s rationalizing with conscience clearing precision – Psychologically abusive.

Neglect is abuse.


Hi Tim
yes, neglect IS abuse.
Hugs, Darlene


The MNPD in our lives, me, my sister and little brother (golden child), made sure that we didn’t like each other. MNPD was devious & Evil. My Sister and I have never really been that close but in the past 11years we’ve been working at repairing our relationship.
I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my Sister about this… She has been feeding me little bits and pieces, She stumble across these descriptions of a MNPD and kept just feeding me little bits at a time, slowly so that I would understand and believe her. And she didn’t want to break me any further because for the past two years I’ve been grieving the loss of my dad. I’m listening learning soaking everything in and trying not to get overwhelmed by this…
Our father was just as culpable looking the other way or succumbing to MNPD moods and abuse. I have to relate this story to really explain this… When I was just a teen a bunch of us kids were a couple of houses down from our house where my dad was left to ‘watch us’, MNPD meant that he should have been running around after us, teens & pre-teens… we were just playing ball in the backyard and i got a little push from behind and fell onto the corner of a concrete block and split my knee open.. ambulance was called, someone ran for my dad, then to the hospital where I cried and cried I didn’t want them to cut off the first pair of “not hand me down” jeans, my dad was stunned and asked why, that was the first time he even knew that the MNPD wasn’t buying us clothes (they both had Very Good Paying jobs). When we got home I was very tired went to bed and woke up sometime after MNPD came home from bingo and I was crying… in it comes demanding to know what happened then it went straight for my dad and yelled and screamed at him for what seemed hours… And me, well I was still in pain but it didn’t really matter anymore because I got hurt, my dad got yelled at, I wasn’t comforted like I should have been and my dad wasn’t allowed to come and calm me down. Wow, the messed up messages in this pile of abuse & neglect… & for some extra enjoyment for the MNPD it sent me to Junior High In Ugly Green Stretchy Pants and an ugly brown flowered stretchy shirt for two months, I was bullied severely, I completely lost any kind of confidence I had because of wearing the same clothes for two months. Quit Gym. Very Athletic person and just like that no more gym. basketball, track & field, gymnastics, baseball, soccer, etc., I quit everything. More of Me disappeared in the matter of a few months at the hands of that evil MNPD…
But at least now I know what that was all about, it was about evil MNPD trying to make my dad & I look and feel bad because he wasn’t watching us, and it would have never have happened on MNPD’s watch only little did he know that MNPD NEVER EVER watched us. MNPD was sleeping in the morning, we were making our own breakfast, from what little MNPD bought, we’d come home for lunch and feed ourselves, MNPD never looked after us.
Being “MY OWN MOTHER”, i would have comforted me until I fell asleep, kept me at home from school, took me to look for some clothes to go over the cast, and just Loved Me. I can almost feel how that would have felt and know that’s how it should have been. It felt really good in my heart to take care of that girl in the bed crying cause she was hurt and hurting…
I think this is how We need to find our true selves & I really hope I’m getting this right…

marquis (female)
May 26th, 2014 at 9:25 pm

Good blog as always! In my home (not really a home more like a prison), feelings/needs/opinions were certainly not accepted and we were “bad children for having ideas/feelings.” My sister told off my parents daily and any time I did that, I wouldn’t get my allowance from my dad, wouldn’t get a lot of things that I needed and people seem to feel that’s okay. Really?? When is it okay to deprive a child of food and medical help? Nobody had an answer for that!

The things/crap that comes out of people’s mouths is atrocious and scary that they think families can do whatever evil they can do to the kids and still call it good or “straightening the kids out.” I agree how people in authority aren’t always right, my god, I made a lot of people mad when I said that including ex-therapist because she is kinda in authority.

About being unstuck. Reading this had me thinking: my idiot, lousy, dead beat mom has been stuck for years and claims she is “unstuck!” She brags about the money she gets from my dad claiming there’s money out there for her, zero self-esteem, loves money/jewelry, her drama with my dad, believes the crap from her about stay in the marriage regardless, me being a shield for her and keeping “her lack of marriage together with my dad because of me,” etc. She expects her children, especially daughters, to be stuck like her and have a crappy hubby like her.

I was stuck for years (well still am) and never knew how to be unstuck. It’s not easy when you were never shown how to utilize resources and take over your own life as that’s the hardest part to explain to people. They say ‘it’s as simple as leaving,’ for some people they can do that and others are not sure what’s ahead of them if they do leave. People told me in the past to leave when I was in college, I had the idea of getting a job and moving out. However, I was looking for people online to move in with because that’s what my mom did (way before the internet) and found my dad, married within 2 weeks, and just needed someone to take care of her.

My “parents” are 67 and 68, my mom has never lived on her own, never has taken care of herself that’s what my “dad” is for, and feels she isn’t stuck. My “parents” never wanted us to be adults as they feel they can control us with money and stay with them forever which is why I am stuck at almost 30 years old. However, I have a job (not enough hours), and looking for a place of my own hopefully soon. There was a lot of things I wanted to do long ago if I had the chance to leave home, but never was able to. My sister suggested the military which is not my interest and we got into an argument about that. For some people coming from abusive homes, it works out for them. For me, having such severe, I mean severe, emotional abuse wouldn’t help me (the military) at all. I wanted to go somewhere that teaches adults independent living skills and those places I found recently are for those with physical problems or those with Autism/Aspergers.

People say your sister and brother did this and that, left home and you are still at home. I am not my brother or sister, my issues are like our 1st born half sister (whom I never met) very severe whereas my sister and brother had it severe too but they had each other. So, I am wanting to get unstuck and find solutions to problems. My sister is great when it comes to that for her own life, she would find resources to help her unlike my parents, mom especially thinks “white people are trying to tell her what to do.” My ex-therapist beat around the bush on that and told her ‘Jim Crow is what keeping mom stuck. Why not just come out and be honest about it?’ Ex-therapist didn’t grow up in that era at all, but used the well, she needs her inner child to be tapped into – omg!

My brain is so fried over the stress/trauma/drama of all things and I am still in a stuck mind. You should see me online searching for hours/days on finding a secondary income and a lot of them I don’t like and very few of them I do like but is too time consuming. If these things came natural for me, I would’ve left a long time ago.


“I had been taught from a very young age to ‘respect authority.’ I did not realize that authority can be crooked, corrupt or even completely wrong.”

I was taught the same thing. Actually, I think it’s just an intrinsic part of my personality to believe that you should respect authority. However, I think we need a clearer definition of authority. Authority really shouldn’t be considered the people who are in charge of you. It should be the people who have authority over their own spirit. The people who have self control are the authority The ones who abuse are so far away from self control it’s ridiculous.

I remember my mother saying at times, “I’ll show you who is the boss in here.” I remembered thinking at the time, “Well of course you’re the boss…you’re bigger than I am!” Ghee whiz. Doesn’t work as an adult. Especially when you see adults around your spiraling. It causes anxiety and depression, because it’s hard to believe that you’re an adult along with them, but you see things a bit more clearly.

It took me over 25 years of adulthood to realize I have a voice because I’m a person, and it isn’t something that I had to earn. Self respect shouldn’t be earned either. We come here whole. It gets chipped away by warped people who are in an authority position. I guess the truth that comes from us as children threatens them.

marquis (female)
July 9th, 2014 at 9:32 pm

” Authority really shouldn’t be considered the people who are in charge of you. It should be the people who have authority over their own spirit. The people who have self control are the authority The ones who abuse are so far away from self control it’s ridiculous.

I remember my mother saying at times, “I’ll show you who is the boss in here.” I remembered thinking at the time, “Well of course you’re the boss…you’re bigger than I am!” Ghee whiz. Doesn’t work as an adult.”

Agreed. My mom used that all the time ‘we are the parents, I am bigger than you and kill you if I need to!’ No one cared enough to take that seriously as people said ‘she was just angry and didn’t mean it, don’t take it to heart.’ WTF?!? She always used her age to make a point “I am from a generation of savers, nothing like your whorish generation of poor broke young adults!” She is a broke saver from the late 40s and miserable in her marriage how is she doing better than me? lol

She uses authority to make herself sound big and bad like an obedience type of thing, am I a dog or somethin? lol Forget being a human being in my house! She thinks she can use that on adults, ha, I’d be careful because the adults can do some things like beat/kill/etc they don’t have to sit there and care to hear that bullshit from her mouth!

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