Sep
19

Finding Myself on the Emotional Healing Journey

By

emotional healing and finding myselfFinding ME was not my original goal in the process of emotional healing.  Looking back, I had always been focused on “changing me” and not so much on “finding me”.

I had all sorts of questions such as “who am I? How do I find myself; what is my purpose; do I have a gift?” But when I think about it today, I did not want to find “me” or “find myself.” The fact is that I had spent a life time avoiding myself. When I was finally desperate enough to seek healing by facing the past, I was way past those questions.  I just wanted to feel okay. I just wanted to want to get up in the morning. Some days I spent hoping that I could finish raising my kids before I completely gave up on my life.

As I started my journey to emotional healing, I began to realize that all my life I was either trying to escape myself or trying to re-invent myself. When I was trying to accept myself, it was through the eyes of others.  Subconsciously, I saw finding the original me as counterproductive, because all my life the truth was that I had been trying to escape me.

And I didn’t want to go back to me. I believed that I had never been good enough in the first place. I believed that if I had been good enough, then I would have been loved, I would have been protected and accepted and I would not have been abused or hurt.  So I was angry at “me”.  I thought that I had failed as a person; I believed that I had let everyone down and I believed that I had let myself down, so why would I want to “be me” now?

I didn’t realize ANY of this back then! It was all hidden in my mind and those deeply hidden thoughts were all part of my survivor mode. Not becoming “me” I believed was best for ME and for everyone else. This knowledge occurred to me much later in my emotional healing process.

And all along I had this “imposter issue.” I felt like an imposter. I felt like a fake copy of myself that didn’t belong anywhere. I had this constant “feeling” that “if you knew me, you wouldn’t like me” and I never knew where it came from.  Today I realize that I felt that way because I had been “disliked” as a child by the people who were supposed to take care of me. They didn’t say that they disliked me but it was communicated in other ways.  Actions speak louder than words and the accumulated actions of others towards me communicated to me that I was unworthy.

As a child I had no other option but to try harder. Children don’t blame their parents or the adults in their lives because if it is up to someone else to change then there is no hope. I can’t make them change. As a child I believe it is ME that needs to change and if it is up to me, I can try harder to be what they expected and to be worthy of their love. If I succeed, then I will have everything I want; love, acceptance and protection. SO I kept trying to succeed. And in my mind, I had failed because I was never good enough. I was never worthy of their acceptance. I always had to try harder. SO, I was mad at me. I believed that I failed and how could I love myself or accept myself when I failed at being worthy?  And since I believed all this stuff deep down, then why on earth would I want to be ME?

It makes sense to me now that under those circumstances and because of those false beliefs, I wouldn’t want to be me. And I didn’t want to be me.

All my life I strived to change me. I tried to become a new me; the one that they or at least the one that SOMEONE wanted instead of who I was because as I said, who I was, was a failure. In recovery seeking to find the original me was a concept that subconsciously, I rejected.

Looking at it this way, it is understandable that my default mode (my habit) was to keep trying to change me and that I longed to be someone else.

As I came along in my recovery, I didn’t “try” to find myself I just tried to stop running from myself. I stopped running from the past, from the memories and the pain.

Finding myself was a result of the work that I did.  And finding myself felt like “coming home” after being away forever.  I wasn’t a failure, I had been failed.  I wasn’t unworthy or unlovable; I had been falsely defined by the actions of others.  I wasn’t the problem! I didn’t need to change in the way that I had been conditioned to believe that I did.  I needed to stop trying to change. I was already good enough. I needed to look at the truth and realize that it wasn’t my fault or my failure.  I needed to sort all that out.

One more very important point before I finish ~ I didn’t need THEM to change either. My longing for them to change was rooted in the same belief that they could validate me as worthy instead of unworthy and the bottom line is that no one can define me as worthy or unworthy. Everyone is worthy. Everyone has equal value!   

Please share your thoughts.

Lighting the Path on the Journey to Emotional Healing

Darlene Ouimet

Emerging from Broken on FaceBook

Categories : Self Esteem

78 Comments

1

Darlene, That is the story of my life also. I spent most of my life playing this role or that while hiding everything that has happened to me so that I wouldn’t bring shame to the ones that I love. It was horrible and made me a haunted woman, or really, a partial woman haunted by the traumas I had locked away and hid from. I’ve scattered pieces of myself everywhere as with each new trauma, I coped by dropping my present role and adopting another. Always hoping to find the one that would be loveable enough to deserve love.This time in my life, even though it is late, is my time of self discovery and acceptance as I gather together in self-acceptance and love all the pieces that I’ve discarded. It is a very different experience than that of an actress portraying and identity with no identity of her own.

2

This was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I’ve been forever trying to make friends and I think I’m onto something and this kind of makes it all make sense! :D

3

This is so resonant with me. For much of my life, at times when I appeared to be succeeding, I always had the thought that if the people who admired and promoted my success knew what I was “really” like, they wouldn’t admire me. Now I know that this isn’t true. But then I didn’t know who I really was, either! I thought the part of me I was hiding at that time, the self-destructive part that I didn’t want revealed, was the “real” me. But it wasn’t! Thank God! The REAL me, is who I am discovering now: wise, strong, and worthy.

4

I can so relate to this and i am just beginning to deal with the trauma of my lost childhood and chaotic adulthood. I look forward to discovering the real me and making peace with my inner child.

5

Such a wonderful post and exactly what I needed to read today. Something occured to me yesterday. I realized that as I grew up and became a teenager and then a young adult, my mother wanted to be me. She didn’t come right out and say it, but she did.

As women, one of the ways that we express who we really are is through clothing and accesories. Well, my mother would rant and rave and pitch a fit everytime I got something new, but then she would wear it. It got to the point where she was the only one wearing my things, the expressions of who *I* am. Eventually I began hiding stuff and it was kept away for 2 years until I was able to move and get her out of my life.

So yesterday I was finally pulling out these things I had had to hide from her just to keep it for myself and I realized that while she pretended I was nothing – less than nothing – and claimed that who I was was beneath her and never good enough for her, really deep down I was exactly what she *wanted* to be. She tried to destroy the real me in so many different ways while trying to become me at the same time. There can only be one queen after all.

As I thought over all of this I realized that I’m an absolutely fantastic person and the real me is not only worthwhile, but apparently worth stealing.

And this all may sound trivial to some of you because of what you’ve endured and suffered. Heck, as I read back over this it sounded trivial to me, too. But this *stuff* was really the *only* connection I’ve ever really had to the real me. It was the only way I ever expressed myself because I never had a voice… no-one ever cared to listen to me. So these items were deeply personal and it felt like a piece of me was being stolen when I saw her prancing around in something of mine that I had not even been able to enjoy, and something she didn’t even want me to have.

6

Hi Jessica,
Welcome to EFB ~ I am so happy that this article resonated with you!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Zuzanna
Welcome to Emerging from Broken and to this journey to wholeness and freedom.
Hugs, Darlene

7

Just wanted to stop by and say that your Blog has touched me in many ways. As a man, I will pass your story on to many women that I have been trying advise, only you, of course say it better. You are stronger than I think even you realize!

I will add your blog to my list my blogs home page. Thank you,

Eagle Mind

8

Hi Sophia
I can relate to the part of me that I thought was the real me was actually NOT the real me. I had so much mixed up! It is really wonderful to finally be the real me!
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Pam
YES. I love the way that you put it! Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

9

Hi Robin
I totally get what you are saying. My mom didn’t want to be me in this way, but she was totally jealous of me. Some days she acted like she loved me, and it was really confusing when she tore me down. I love what you said so much I have to quote you!

Robin Said: ” I realized that I’m an absolutely fantastic person and the real me is not only worthwhile, but apparently worth stealing. ~
Heck, as I read back over this it sounded trivial to me, too. But this *stuff* was really the *only* connection I’ve ever really had to the real me. It was the only way I ever expressed myself because I never had a voice… no-one ever cared to listen to me. So these items were deeply personal and it felt like a piece of me was being stolen when I saw her prancing around in something of mine that I had not even been able to enjoy, and something she didn’t even want me to have.”

This doesn’t sound trivial to me in the least!! This is HUGE and thanks so much for sharing it here!
Love Darlene

10

Hi Eagle Mind,
Welcome to Emerging from Broken;
Thank you for your kind words and for passing my blog along to others. I hope you visit often. I will check out your blog too!
Hugs, Darlene

p.s everyone ~ This site is not exclusive to women at all ~ there are many male readers and subscribers, they don’t don’t share as often.

11

Oh Darlene,

Another powerful post has me crying because you speak such honest truths and make important differentiations regarding our internal language and how this language/realizations shift through the process of healing.

“…As I started my journey to emotional healing, I began to realize that all my life I was either trying to escape myself or trying to re-invent myself.” I never thought about that way, but you are 100% spot-on! I think that is what I have been trying to do all this time.

When I read that: “And finding myself felt like “coming home” after being away forever.” I just broke down and cried.

I don’t know if you or anyone else here is old enough to remember an old cartoon series: “Tooter Turtle” (with Mr. Wizard) from the 1960′s?

“Tooter Turtle” from wikipedia:

This segment was always a simple morality play. A simple-minded, straw boater-hat wearing, anthropomorphic turtle named Tooter (voiced by Allen Swift to sound similar to Mortimer Snerd) calls on his friend Mr. Wizard the Lizard (voiced by Sandy Becker with a Mittel-European accent), an anthropomorphic lizard wearing wizard cone hat, robe, and pince-nez eyeglasses. Mr. Wizard lived in a tiny cardboard box at the base of a tall tree. The introductory segment had Tooter knocking on the cardboard box, having “another favor to ask.” From inside the box, Mr. Wizard (although disturbed from sleep, he was apparently always delighted to see Tooter) would shrink Tooter small enough to enter through the box’s front door, and eagerly invite him in. Mr. Wizard has the magic to change Tooter’s life to some other destiny, usually sending him back in time and to various locales. He usually accompanied his request with the phrase “Please, Mr. Wizard; it’s what I want to be!” Since none of Tooter’s alternate lives ever worked out, the moral of each segment was always the same: “Be just vhat you is, not vhat you is not.”

As Tooter is doing his destiny, Mr. Wizard narrates about it. When Tooter’s trip finally became a catastrophe, he always called out the same thing, the famous, “Help me, Mr. Wizard!” Mr. Wizard would rescue him with the incantation, “Drizzle, drazzle, druzzle, drome; time for zis one to come home.” Then, Mr. Wizard would always give Tooter the same advice: “Be just vhat you is, not vhat you is not. Folks vhat do zis are ze happiest lot.” Tooter never learned, though.

Be just vhat you is, not vhat you is not. Folks vhat do zis are ze happiest lot ~

Drizzle, drazzle, druzzle, drome; time for zis one to come home ~

(Funny what you remember as a child. I never completely forgot those cartoons and your post today reminded me of this).

Here’s a pic of Tooter Turtle….coming home:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_2Z-PFqUnK4Y/TOEOh2WW4jI/AAAAAAAAAEo/mDeT89cZlxk/s1600/Tooter1.jpg

FYI, there are some old episodes on YouTube.

Yes. Indeed. Time for this one…to come home!

Thanks for sharing!

12

Wow- great post! Thank you so much! Will definitely be following your blog!

13

Darlene, what you said about wanting to be someone else because who you were couldn’t possibly have been good enough or you wouldn’t have been abused, is REALLY making me stop and think. To me this kind of insecurity starts with the family, but then we are also bombarded by similar messages from our peers and the media and commercial interests. I even remember feeling these judgements coming to me from so-called spiritual and alternative people. It is a huge culture of insecurity and it can only keep itself going by drawing everyone into it. I still find myself worrying about rejection and judgement at times, but I am also gradually learning to draw strength by choosing to keep company with the people I meet who treat me with respect. I have also often thought, like Robin, that the abuse I suffered was trivial compared to what others have gone through, but I think that is a trap. ANY abuse that leaves us feeling unworthy and unwelcome should not be considered acceptable and our feelings about it are completely valid. If we tell ourselves that it wasn’t really so bad, we deny ourselves the healing we need.

14

HI Darlene,

I too have been on this journey of not trying to “find myself”…but more trying to shed the false layers of identity everyone else in my life wanted or needed of me. It is not so much of a journey of trying to “change myself” …but of “discovering” what gifts, talents, desires and the like are truly mine and holding fast to that identity. I just blogged about this concept in “Identity Theft” athttp://www.realmamareallife.com/2011/09/identity-theft.html.

I think so many times we look at changing the character traits others see as wrong in us, instead of changing our own attitude about who we truly see ourselves to be…and then sticking with that revelation as we love and accept others for who they are or are not…especially after we tell them who we are and they aren’t willing to accept that info about us, there comes a point where one has to “let go” of that other person and your desire to change them to your liking. Does that make sense?

A class that had and continues to have a HUGE impact on me, sharing with me that I am of value to God and this world…and teaching me that to “Let Go is to Love” is Life Skills, Intl. I HIGHLY HIGHLY suggest this class for anyone that is struggling with trying to figure out why they get stuck in ruts, in depression and anxiety and not knowing why. The whole emphasis is to look at your childhood, see what traumatic events have occurred and to start the healing process of that time in your life so that you can finally “emotionally grow up” into adulthood and be able to handle adult life. IT has been so instrumental in me coming out of my own denial of living in an abusive marriage.

Blessings and prayers to all for continued clarity and a healthy mental life!

15

Robin,
I am right there with you!! Our moms were related! LOL!!

16

Once you realise you’re good enough as you are how did you figure out what it is you actually want? I am finding it very hard to answer that question or to know the answer to that question. I know that there are things I don’t want any more because they led to routes that hurt, but it;s quite hard to differentiate what they are and make good choices – or be ABLE To make good choices when life kind of says er ‘This way or this way…’ sometimes :)I think I’m doing better than I was but it feels a bit like teetering on a knife edge as I can feel the old stuff, the old self deprecating voice looming but it doesn’t get big like it used to and lead me down dark alleys. Instead things seem to be working OK. But I have to keep reminding myself where I’m going, and aiming high, where as life used to be about surviving, I don’t want to be like that anymore, but I still haven’t quiet figured out how to be ‘me’ or who that is…

17

It’s hard work is all I know, although in the past there was a lot of suffering and yes hard work too, in some way it’s easy as that stress level dictates the course of life, that inner holding it together tension is what chooses and decides, so in a way you don’t have to, you can just let go and ‘not enjoy’ the ride so to speak. What I feel now that I’m getting better is that ‘I’M’ more here, I don’t know if that’s selfish, it feels selfish, I’m assuming its just new and not selfish at all. I don’t understand why something that’s good should feel like that, like self absorbed, but actually I think its just that I am actually present for the first time in my life instead of reacting… responding according to whats safest

18

Hi Brenda,
So glad that you liked the post!
Thank you for sharing the powerful story of Tooter Turtle. Such deep truth in that story!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Sophia
Yes, these messages come from everywhere; I think thought that if there is a strong family dynamic that it is easier to dismiss those messages from society. When I was able to see the truth about me vs. the lies that i had been taught about me, I too became strong enough to choose new company to hang out with and I was able to walk away from those that continued to keep me “down” where they wanted me to look up to them.
About certain abuse being trivial.. you are SO RIGHT that abuse is abuse. It is interesting to note however that most people think this way no matter what kind of abuse they have suffered; I have met people who were beaten and raped daily by parents and grandparents who also thought that others had been treated worse then they had. That is part of the brainwashing. (there are of course those that think that no one was abused as badly as they were but that is usually expressed as a reason why they can’t recover; I believe that recovery is possible for all)
Thanks for being here!
Hugs, Darlene

19

Hi Louise
What you are describing is “the process”. I had to live that stuff and feel that stuff. I had to take a look at the fact that I was finally “here” and how did that feel? Did I feel safe, did I feel unsafe. Yes I felt unsafe; Why did I feel unsafe ~ because it was in “not being me” that I was safe!
I let this process “take me” rather than try to direct it too much. I decided new things about what I wanted along the way; that was part of the process too. It isn’t all neat and tidy but it is worth it!
Hugs, Darlene

20

Hi Trista,
Thank you! Glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Holli
I had to look at why I saw myself that way before I let go of the false identity. When I looked at where it came from, before I could change my attitude. The truth was so convoluted, (I was convinced that I WAS who they said I was and that my purpose and value was what they said it was) that I had to kind of work backwards and think about the reasons that those things were not true. I did that by looking at the why I thought it was true. Very complicated, that is why there are so many blog posts!
Sounds like the class you are referring to is similar to what I teach here!
Glad you are here,
Hugs, Darlene

21

Wow, Darlene, what you said about people thinking that the ways they were abused were trivial compared to others being part of the brainwashing is so right. I was struggling to find the words for that. We have all been taught to discount our suffering, to make excuses for our torturers.

22

Hi Darlene..sorry am so late.. your article hits home.. so much in me.. I am lost a bit ..but am slowly finding my way .. Sifting through all the names and labels people put on me.. they are awful names, uncaring names: I was called: unwanted..worst mistake..good for nothing.. cause of all trouble .. bad luck .. etc etc.. These are just a few I heard all my childhood. and most recently i was called a total failure.. only I don’t know what I failed at.. except at being the daughter no one ever wanted. ..

I am just beginning this journey so it’s hard to say much . I am struggling to find me.. underneath all the lies and abuse and false ideas that I have been fed all my life.. It’s scary and yet must be done so I can let go of all the negativity that has kept me so locked up that I feared trying to succeed..since I would never succeed according to my mother.. am a total failure and will always be.. so she says..

It’s awful to feel like you are just meeting yourself.. where have I been all my life? Buried and chained to false ideas and lies..and it’s painfully overwhelming to realize I believed all the bad stuff for so long..its so embedded in me.. Yet.. I know .. now.. it’s not me.. I know its all lies ..now I am trying to know the real me ..

From my blog I
brought over this poem:

I don’t know who I am ..

i dont know who I am
am i really me?
or am i that broken person
of my history?
I still cannot believe
that the good that I do
Is coming from the one
who so much sorrow knew

I dont know who I am
am i really me?
Or that person that people said
I would come to be?
How is it that this person
is doing so very well
Am I not that same person
they said was going to hell?

I don’t know who I am,
am I really me
or that broken child’
how can this really be
They said I’d never make it
I won’t be anything
How is that this person
is becoming something?

I don’t know who I am
am I really me
yes I am really me
though doubtful as can be
Despite all the odds
and bad things that they said
I am slowly undoing
all the nonsense in my head.

joy

23

Darlene ~

I could so relate to this – being raised to be someone my mother actually wanted. But the more I tried the more I failed meaning, the more I did to prove my love for her, the higher she made the standard. There was no way to ‘win.’ My mother made sure I was always under her thumb, more like under a rock really and she wouldn’t let me come out from under it. Being defined by someone else sucks.

Finding out who I am is a slow, but wonderful process. I am discovering things about myself that are so cool. I don’t have anger issues like I did anymore (thank GOD!) I’m no longer afraid to stand up for what’s right – and I’m certainly not afraid to stand up for myself anymore. It’s things like this I discover – and I love that I know myself better. It’s like being stuck in a blossom for far too long, and now I’m finally allowed to bloom. :)

I no longer allow myself to be defined by my mother or my family. I am ME and I like ME now … I can actually say that I love ME (in a healthy way) instead of always self-loathing like I used to. My mother no longer dances about in my head rattling off a sneering, “Na-na-na-na-na!” That is finally gone and I can move forward as ME, for ME and for my family. :)

24

Love this post! My mom was also jealous of me and would sabotage all my achievements or successes. I began to feel ‘why try?’ because I knew she’d just destroy everything in the end. She even interfered with my dating relationships.

She would also ignore me at parties both outside and inside our home. Because I was so introverted, I felt abandoned when she wouldn’t talk to me, but she had to be the Social Butterfly and be the center of attention. I didn’t matter.

So much of me got buried growing up. It took years to find myself and like myself. Now I do and I feel free. My mother never deserved a wonderful daughter like myself. Now I am going to give myself the love I never received from her. It’s a whole new beginning and I’m looking forward to the future.

25

Thanks guys for all of your supportive comments and validation. And Kate, I’m glad (and sad) to know that I’m not the only one.

The more I think about this subject the more I realize that I was not abused because something was wrong with me, I was abused because something was really right. I wonder if that’s not true for all of us. Maybe these abusers see in us something better than themselves, hence all of the jealousy, and so they try their best to ruin it with lies and bullying.

Also, I came across a really great quote yesterday that I want to share:

“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” Jean Shinoda Bolen

I know now that I had made so much room for other people in my life that there was not enough room for *me*. Other people were enjoying my life, but I was not. And when I went into a deep depression for a year and could no longer provide whatever service people wanted from me, they cut me out. And that was the extent of their love for me.

I know now that I’ve got to make room for *me* in my life. I have to take all the time and space I need to in order to be the best me I can be.

26

Thanks guys for all of your supportive comments and validation. And Kate, I’m glad (and sad) to know that I’m not the only one.

The more I think about this subject the more I realize that I was not abused because something was wrong with me, I was abused because something was really right. I wonder if that’s not true for all of us. Maybe these abusers see in us something better than themselves, hence all of the jealousy, and so they try their best to ruin it with lies and bullying.

Also, I came across a really great quote yesterday that I want to share:

“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” Jean Shinoda Bolen

I know now that I had made so much room for other people in my life that there was not enough room for *me*. Other people were enjoying my life, but I was not. And when I went into a deep depression for a year and could no longer provide whatever service people wanted from me, they cut me aloose. And that was the extent of their love for me.

I know now that I’ve got to make room for *me* in my life. I have to take all the time and space I need to in order to be the best me I can be.

27

Hi Joy
About the names and labels; YES they are awful. They hurt. They CUT deeply and they cause deep wounds which take so much time to heal. And the only way that I have found to heal them is to “tend to them” to see what caused them and to realize the lies that we believe about ourselves that are attached to them. SO the beginning is such a great place to be!
Thank you for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Rise
I love the enthusiasm and excitement in your comments! I love your expressions of self discovery!
Thank you so much for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

28

Beloved Darlene!! I think that the most devasteting consequence of my story of Incest, it is also now that I have belived to the BELIEVE that I had done something WRONG!!!The second step inside me , as a little girl who did not know anything else, it has been that if I have done something wrong , my mother will not LOVE me anymore!!But because for me was too much painfull to accept that my mom does not love me , I have decided that I don’ t LOVE her , beliveing to suffer less in this way!!!But it is not TRUE that I suffered less….I suffered a lot , but I could not do anything else !!!That means that I began to DEPRIVE myself of LOVE and of a lot of NEEDS , beliveing that I don’t deserve like all the others(food; my sexual energy;extrime training phisycally used to punish myself and to sublimate my sexuality!!).Since when I look for myself , at least I am aware about this, but still I fall in this painfull meccanisme mainly with the persons female closest to me!!!I arrive allways at the point where I feel that the friend does not appreciate me because I have done something wrong!!!Just now I am living all this with a very dear FRIEND….and it is so HURTFULL to me and to her what I have still to do!!!But I am happy that now I can share this with all of you!!! You are very precious forme!!! love!! Roshani

29

Hi Robin
This is the first truth I realized ~ that it was NOT because something was wrong with me. I didn’t even know that deep down I thought that somehow I had either attracted it, or I had deserved it. And realizing those things was where my hope was born. Realizing where it all began and what my beliefs were about it was what triggered the hope for recovering! I totally hear you about not making any room for me. I was so afraid of being rejected, and so many people who noticed that fear really used it against me to keep me doing what they wanted. My definition of love and relationship was totally wrong; because it had been taught to me wrong. I never had a good example of it!
Love your quote! Thanks for sharing
hugs, Darlene

Hi Roshani
Yes, exactly. That was what I thought too. I have written in this website about how I concluded that it was me.. how I figured out that it must have been me. How I put events such as when I was sexually abused as a teenager and TOLD that it was my own fault, and added that accusation to the sexual abuse that (was inflicted on me against my will) when I was a child.
Thank you for being here! Great comments and great insights!
hugs, Darlene

30

Hi Karen
YAY! This is awesome to read! I had to give myself (and still do) everything that I needed and missed growing up. Taking care of myself emotionally is so empowering. It just keeps getting better! Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

31

Karen,
I can so relate to what you wrote, it says so much more than may realize!!even though I would have a hard time saying that my mother was jealous of me, at least from a child’s point ot view, how could she be jealous when I couldn’t do what she did well, like sew and cook and clean, etc., and I was “stupid, didnt have a brain in my head, and couldn’t learn.” ( I had near vision problems undiscovered until I was 42, which my parents still deny) So I never thought of her as jealous. Regardless of her motives, her sabatoging my life, and my dad’s doing the same was so destructive. My friends or abaility to have friends, my place in the community, church, etc., so nauseating. I had to relive it the last 5-6 years after a divorce. Now I am gone, a long way away, and our furniture just arrived on Saturday!!!!!!from the house they were “sitting” for me, while we waited for it to sell. Thank GOD that someone finally bought it, someone who bought it for his 56 year-old daughter who ended up in need.

So much of me got buried growing up. Isn’t that the truth?

32

Karen,

I was just telling my husband last night how my dad tells me long after I broke up with my first boyfriend in high school (because he wasn’t from my dad’s favorite group of churchies) that he always LIKED that guy,

he called my next boyfriend flower-child for giving me flowers in school,

and attended an open house in my high school english class one night and ended up yelling at the top of his voice to an entire room full of students and parents that “It is NEVER right to lie…ARE you LISTENING to ME?” ( I wanted to disappear–talk about being buried)

And many years later my dad gets a phone call from a former college boyfriend of mine, 10-15 years after college (abusive OCD type that I never wanted to see again) and my dad TELLs him about me and WHERE I live!! He doesn’t ask the guy about HIMself and then pass on the contact info to ME so that IF I want to contact him then I CAN CHOOSE!! OH no, it was NEVER about my choice in any situation. He was just proud as could be to be telling me about it.

And also, gets a visit from another former boyfriend, (flower child-16 years later) and tells me about it! They invite the guy into the house for a while and visit, and tell him who knows what all. Guess what? I asked if he brought his wife with him. MMMM, no wife, yeah, ok, got that.

I regret letting my first husband “ask” my dad for my hand in marriage while I was outside getting out of their way. Does anybody else think this is a really sick practice?? WHO knows what got said, the attitudes, the entitlements, and my dad told me to stay with him for many years despite the problems that my dad didn’t care to hear about, and then BLAMED ME for staying with him when things finally came apart.

ENTER new husband, a good man and a good match who really loves me. WHAT does my dad (do i have to call him that?) do now? FIRST chance ALONE with the guy, tells him that he has NO idea what he is getting himself into, etc., !!!!!!! when he sees us working in the kitchen together, tells my husband that I am a slave driver, etc.,

tells my youngest son after 8th grade graduation that he expects MORE out of him next year, (we got more alright, but not the more that we wanted, although he is doing fine now)

talk about sabatoge, yeah, and my parents have a loveless marriage, in case you would be surprised to know that fact

When my oldest was getting awards in his early high school days, my dad had to blurt out in the middle of the program, “come on, let’s get on with it” because it was a woman at the podium sharing histories, and he can’t stand women, etc., AND he had to say that right behind a prominent family that I have known for years who were in the “other” side of the church split from 30 years ago, whose mother (she is my age) was in charge of getting me help with my heat bill that month (I was single and needed help with four children) and this lady NEVER called me back. (I can’t believe i am writing this) but I NEVER invited him again to an award ceremony. When this same son won BIG awards and scholarships, my parents weren’t there. THEY had to hear about it at church the next day.

We just saw my parents and packed up our stuff and drove across the country. My dad was still telling my husband stuff like “I admire all that you do, but I don’t envy you…”

33

Kate: I think some parents just can’t stand to see their children happy! My mom questions my relationship with my husband all because I forgot to add his b-day on a calendar I made for her!! She just can’t stand it that I finally found a healthy and loving man and that I’m happy and content. All my siblings have been divorced twice. I think she feels if she can destroy our marriage, I’ll end up crying on her shoulder and ‘needing’ her again. No way! NEVER.

Whenever I would call to talk to my mom when I was depressed, she would seem happy, but when I called with happy news, she tried to tear me down sometimes. My step dad is also her cohort, so I never trusted him either. Since she wears the pants, he just bows to her like the queen she acts like. Grow some balls, dude!

34

“Whenever I would call to talk to my mom when I was depressed, she would seem happy, but when I called with happy news, she tried to tear me down sometimes”

YES, I get this, and I got this as well. That is a tough one to see and admit when it is happening!! Especially when you are down and they seem happy and YOU think that they are being supportive!! Talk about the frog in the boiling pot!!

35

Ignored and forgotten

Ignored and forgotten
set aside without a voice
Does a beaten little child
ever have a choice
Shivering and shaking,
broken as can be
Imagine the kind of world
this child is going to see

Never knowing kindness
and crying out for love
Pushed away from the mother:
always made fun of
What becomes of the child
who grows up in such hate
Will there be any hope;
what’ll be the child’s fate?

We pretend not to see it;
and even close our eyes
Shut all the windows
so we can’t hear the cries
But there in our memory
some day we’ll recall
The sound of a child,
helpless and so small.

joy

36

Darlene

I am glad I am the beginning: before I wasn’t even close to beginning . Am so grateful for blogs like this and to my very good Therapist.. who is one of a kind smart person .. Little by little, step by step, tear by tear..am going to come out from underneath all the mess. I am sure of this.

Joy

37

Joy,
What words! There in our memory, yes, and in my memory some verse from the Psalms that the sound of their cry never fades from His ear, and that is why it is there in our memory…

38

Kate

The memory I was kind of referring to are those who know what’s happening but pretend not to..Like the church .. with all it’s power.. that told me to be quiet..how many years of abuse I took because I believed it was the good and holy thing to do..I kinda think it’s in those people’s memories ..But, then again.. they may not see any wrong in their ignoring the cries of the little ones.

joy

39

yes, it is there in their memories, to whatever extent, it cannot be erased, hence the abuse continues…futile attempts at drowning out the truth

40

Kate

Sadly many believe that its ok to abuse children and many believe in hiding the truth.. even though its causing someone else immense hurt.

Joy

41

Hi Everyone~
This last two days have been a blur of tech problems on the blog. One thing after another went wrong starting with the my hosting company telling me that the website was over its quota. We found out what was causeing that, and today it dumped every single picture that I had ever posted here! (one for each post!) (thank goodness my weblady had a back up!) SO I have been really busy with all that. i am glad that nothing was wrong with the comments that I know of…

Joy ~ thank you so much for sharing your poems here. They are so sweet!
Hugs, Darlene

42

Once again you post something that seems to directly speak to me and my process. Yesterday I was challenged by the therapist in a joint session with my partner. The challenge? To specifically and postitively say to myself, every day that I am a good person, that I deserve to be me, that I deserve to heal. As I type, this makes me cry. All my life I have done things for others, believing that this was the only way I could justify my place on the planet This healing process is trying to help me to find the real me – and it scares the living bejasus out of me because I have been trying to get away from the “me” that I have believed I am, through other peoples’ lack of care/outright lies. The sense of being an imposter, a fraud, has been such a strong thing for me, and I too couldn’t say why. Your post has given me the gift of clarity. Got to stop now, crying too much – but I AM OK, just reeling from another piece of truth about my life, this too will heal

43

Finding ones self is never easy… wanting to find ones self, is even more difficult a hurdle to jump i think.. As a child, i always wished to be someone else, as the self i was, was so wrong, according to my mother. the self i was, deserved the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, otherwise, it would not be happeneing to me. As a child, we grew up in a very small town, on a lake. i remember on my saddest days, even from a young age.. i would sit on this big rock on the shore looking acroos at the land on the otherside of the lake. i had a whole other life on the other side… in my mind, obviously.. if i were born on the other side of the lake my mother would love me, my father would enjoy spending time with me, over there, nobody hurt me.. over there my heart didn’t hurt all the time.. i sat on that rock often, looking at myself on the other side of the lake.. to the place i would be loved. that vision though, of course had me always being good, always well behaved etc… so that the love i would feel was still wrapped up in me being good enough… I still struggle with finding me.. for years, when i thought i found part of me, found something i liked doing, i was usually told that i didn’t like it.. that it wasn’t me… so i would stop… but now.. in this time of my life, where i am choosing to stay single.. i think now, finally, i have the space and the permission to start allowing myself to shine through… that now, i can finally start introducing myself to myself…

44

Dear Darlene and FRIENDS all!!!I like today to share with all of you a little more about myself!!! I am born in MOdena, a beautifull city in the north of Italy !! I have been a wished child from my parents and i was an happy little girl untill when i was around seven years old , my cousin began to abuse me sexually whenever was possible for him!!He was the son of the sister of my mother ,and we were living in the same building house, so was very difficult for me avoide his Not Wished Attentions!!! SO i became a very difficult little girl , trying to express without speaking the TRUTH,my feeling harm in a very REBELLIOUS WAY against my family , who was not realizing of anything!!!I was waiting to be recognaized harmed,because i knew that my parents loved me !!! but this recognaizment never arrived, also after 6 years when i menaged to break the SILENCE!!!The family of the side of my mother has diacriminated me and my parents they have forbitten me to speak more about it!!! i was a GOOD little girl so I have obeyed to my parents and I have pretended to manage to do a so called normal life trying allways to help the others in order I think now , to have they approval!!! Now i know than i am not what the others asked me to become….but I don’t know neither really who I am!!!This is the Reality!!!Around 8 years ago I wanted really to begin to look at my story , because I organized in Modena a GROUP OF ” TIBETAN PULSING HEALING” with a THERAPIST that I liked were much and she was avaible to guide me in this , but in that precise moment all my life began to break down!! My relation with a man with whom i was living togheter for 15 years wthout having no sexuale relation ( he has accepted my choise!!!) ; my phisical health ; my financial situation ….so I have lived my cou Ntry and I have decided to go in Germany with my therapist and dear FRIEND to take care only of myself!!! We had a lot a difficulties in every level in these hard years but with KAVITA ( this is the name of my friend) I am learning slowly slowly that also in the worst moments in life….in TWO it is allways better than By ourselves, alone like has allways been my experience since my childhood!!!!SO …this a massage of HOPE that it will arrive before or later what we deserve ….because we DESERVE IT ….It will arrive THAT RECOGNITION that we are looking for since so long….the RECOGNITION of our PAIN, of our SUFFERING!!!! But I give you an inside coming from my experience if i can!!! Even if it sounds so beautifull and it so, for it is still so DIFFICULT to take , because I stillbelieve that I am not A GOOD ONE and I have todestroy this LOVE in order to prove to myself and to the others that I don’t deserve it!!! I know that it is TERRIBLE to do like this for my HEART AND FOR THE PERSON who gives to you …but living with a person with CONSCIOUSSNES like KAVITA, I am learning something new , because even if i try hard to fight against her LOVE , she continues to tell me :” Roshani …I love you in any case, because i know that what you act it is not who YOU ARE and it is not what your HEART whises but it is a projection of what you have suffered with your Mother” .And then sometimes I just CRY AND I HUG HER and I thank for her pacience!!!We have to be able to receive UNCONDITIONED LOVE …and it is not easy for me…but I wish that every woman harmed in her childhood can make this experience , with all the TRUST that she will not be harmed again!!!LOVE and LIGHT DEAR FRIENDS!!! Roshani

45

Roshani,
So beautifully put!! I am so happy for you that you now have in your life someone who loves you so completely and unconditionally. this is something you have always deserved to have, but never received, until now..
Thank you for sharing!!

46

HI Libby
I totally relate to what you wrote too. I had a hard time with that kind of worthiness too. I had to change everything about the way I thought about myself. It seems overwhelming when I look at the whole picture all at once, but when I broke it down in my process it was totally doable. It is hard, and it is emotional! And that is okay! Tears are healing and the truth is very healing.
So glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Kelly
I love your comments. Yes.. so true, wanting to find myself WAS a bigger issue. What your mother told you is a hard thing to get over. Those are the things I am talking about in this website. This is the process. I still have to guard against my default mode, which is to believe that it is all up to me to be what “they” want. I still have to watch what I am thinking.
I am excited that you are progressing in this way you describe! yay
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Roshani
Thank you for sharing about your life and struggles and your new plans. This process is very big but the freedom on the other side of it is the most worthwhile thing I have ever worked for.
Please keep sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

47

Ciao !! I am again me!!After having written the other comment about my difficulty to receive LOVE,I have gone to walk between the beautifull mountains here in AUSTRIA and Meditating on what I had just sheared with you, I had another insight about this tema!! It is this: I have difficulty to receive LOVE , because if I receive LOVE i have also to feel that it was not there when I needed as a child ….and it is so PAINFULL to feel this ….unconsciously I don’t want to feel!! But I am sure that it is better to feel this Pain consciously ( knowing that now we are adult and not VICTIME!!) and with this to be able to receive LOVE , rather than to fight against the Pain and deprive ourselves to be LOVED and to LOVE the others and ourselves!!!Now have have really finished for today !! Thanks to be!! Roshani

48

Kate,Karen, My mom also enjoyed popping my baloon. The two things I wanted from my mom the most and never got, was understanding and support. She isn’t capable because I am only a mirror to her that reflects back what she doesn’t want to see in herself. She doesn’t even know who I am and I wonder if she even knows what I look like. I do know that she sees no good in me. That kind of disapproval is tough for any kid to grow up under and it didn’t get any easier as an adult.

49

HI!!Now that I have discovered that all of YOU exsist ….I am not able no more to write my book about my STORY !!!! I am just so happy that all of you exsist and finally I have found a place where I feel I belong!!! My priority now it is to share with you my feelings, my thougts, my believes, my fears ….my self and finally break the long SILENCE!! Do you know why i have changed the picture of me in my profile with the one that there is now , that means with a BUTTERFLY??? Because the BUTTERFLY for me is the simbol of the PROCESS OF TRASFORMATION that all of US we are going trought!!!!We have to DIE and BORN AGAIN !! I have to destroy all my old belives, all my old conditionings of my education , I have to arise all the lies that are not who really
I am …in order to be able to FLY and if we all do this , then …WE CAN FLY ALL TOGHETER!!!LOVE!! Roshani

50

Darlene,
Thank you for your kind and insightful words. Yesterday was the worst day I have had for a while – the coming face to face with the fact that I was disliked by my parents. My father was the eternal child – himself a survivor but unaware and my Mum, desperately unhappy and trapped in a relationship she felt she couldn’t leave – with a child, and she didn’t like children, although she SAID she loved ME. So – how could I, as a child, not absorb the double message – and come to believe I was an imposter? Although at some level I understood this suddenly, yesterday it was brought up into sharp and present focus, and I was overwhelmed. The only thing I could think was “how on earth can I move on from here?” How can I find out who “I” am – and become a real person – the questions of who, what and how were too much to handle.
My husband, doesn’t get it – he so wants to just get me fixed – and his words yesterday were not helpful, and in fact I felt he invalidated me – which provoked the first angry exchange we have had since this journey began. Not his fault, not mine – but it also was helpful, in that I have been unable to get angry until now.
Today, I have re-read the post – and also read a synchronous chapter in another book – and feel that I can (must) take this to my next therapy session. When I can’t see my way, I trust my therapist can. For a control freak this is another big issue – someone else is now my guide – just as well, since my imposter self was pretty much unable to do a good (safe) job, which is why I am here in the first place!
To hear from you – and others here, that this IS doable is so reassuring. I’ve heard it from therapists – but I guess I have the “they would say that” head on when they say it…:)) To get it from one who has lived the journey is so much more trustworthy. Thank you for being here, thank you for your sharing and your ability to articulate so precisely those internal drivers and triggers.:)))

51

Since we’re talking about finding ourselves I wanted to offer a suggestion for a way to start to get to know yourself. It’s simple, but it can’t hurt to start simple, right. What I have begun to do is to list out all of the things that I like and to desribe the reason in great detail. Favorite movie, favorite book, favorite color, favorite store… I write about how it makes me feel or what it reminds me of, etc.

I found that in doing that, I got to know myself and what’s important to me. My focus was on myself and not a picture of myself through someone elses eyes, which is how I had been seeing myself before. I began seeing the real me.

Anytime I go through this process I feel such a warm glow inside. I see myself in a positive light and I find that I like myself.

52

If all of us , Survivers to sexuale Abuse, we take each other by hand in a big circle and we connect with the Pulse Beat of our BROKEN hearts, it will happen a MIRACLE ….slowly….slowly every pulse beat will unifye to the other untill IT will become only ONE HEART BEAT !!!This is what i try to do in my PRACTICE of every day…to HEAL MY HARTFULL wounds of the PAST!!! If you like you can join yo me!!! LOVE!!! Roshani

53

Robin,
Great idea! That process could be helpful in discoverin gall sorts of things about myself, including the belief system I have developed.

54

Roshani
YES, that is true for me as well. I had to wrong definition and understanding of love in the first place. I was taught not to trust love. (but of course what they did was NOT love)
This is great that you are working through this stuff! All of this adds up to figuring out the mysteries. I am enjoying all your comments and I am so glad that you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

Pam,
LOVE your comments (# 48) about your mother. I wanted to point them out because so many of us will relate to that.
Hugs, Darlene

55

Hi Robin,
I too only saw myself through the eyes of others. Thanks for sharing your idea about getting to know oneself! (comment # 51 everyone) I love your suggestions!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Libby
I know that pain of coming face to face with that truth that my parents didn’t really care. They said I love you and their actions prove otherwise. I spent a lifetime fighting that truth, but it never helped me to fight it.
But accepting it was like another growth spurt for me. It set me free a little bit more! My husband also was not helpful at first. But my pain was triggering his pain with his own family situation. I had to just keep doing this for me.
Thank you for sharing so honestly!
Hugs, Darlene

56

Robin, Darlene – great idea – I think I will give it a go…:) And Darlene, you were spot on – I am triggering my husbands own pain at times. I can’t stop now, I have to go on, no matter what. Hugs to you too
Libby

57

I find myself by avoiding garbage like the following link: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2424843337513&set=a.1150356996151.23495.1144385245&type=1&theater

It’s a picture of my biological father, who physically and emotionally abused us, receiving kudos and congratulations for what a WONDERful person he wasn’t.
And, every single solitary time I say how I feel, they create another bullshit photo talking about how fuckin’ SAINTLY every abuser in our family was.

If that’s not sick behavior, I don’t know what the hell will ever define freakin’ abnormal, downright WEIRD actions.

58

Hi Vicki
People will go to any length to make the victim wrong and to normalize the past however, what saved me is that I stopped caring what they thought about what I KNEW was the truth. They were the abusers! Why would THEY tell the truth?
Hang in there. You are right, it is sick behaviour.
Hugs, Darlene

p.s. there must be security on that link ~ I can’t see it.

59

I guess. I don’t understand computers. I guess you have to be a friend or family member, but I just told my OTHER brother I can’t handle seeing him, which I’ve never done before and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he blamed me.
I’m the only one who even gets upset about it, so why does it bother me to tell a person I can’t handle seeing him when his response is “I don’t want people in my life who bother me.”
Then I say “Goodbye” and hang up without waiting for HIM to say goodbye, b/c he’ll talk until he has the last word, which I already know will upset me more.
The whole thing has been twisted around to be MY fault, and I’m already physically sick–which is really the only reason I even got up the nerve to call and tell him I can no longer handle him.
He turned my bacterial infection into being about HIM. That’s beyond disgusting and should make me glad I don’t have to talk to him anymore.
So why do I feel like crap after doing what I need to for myself? That’s not a rhetorical question, I really want to know why I’m punishing mySELF for HIS feelings and thoughts.
And I feel like I’m not a strong person, b/c they’ve all TOLD me that. If I can’t put up with continual abuse, I’m just not strong enough. My former sister-in-law called herself the strong one, b/c she can “understand he’s not perfect.”
He’s WORSE THAN simply not perfect. It’s not like he’s upset b/c he disagrees with me on Republican vs. Democrat. He’s upset b/c I’m coughing and the sound of it irritates him, and he doesn’t give a DAMN what it means for me. I’M the one who’s sick and he thinks his hearing it is way more important than the fact that I have another infection in my lungs.

60

In the past and because of abuse I viewed others as more important then I was, and viewed myself as having no right to make choices for me. I wanted to be heard. I wanted others to understand why I said things or felt things. If they dismissed me I felt so bad. I let their actions define me as unworthy. But today I look at who I was asking to define my worth. People who made me sick? People who showed by their actions that they didn’t care about me or my wellfare. I looked at the roots of this stuff in order to break free of it. I had to do the self care and self love work.
Hugs, Darlene

61

I don’t know exactly why , after my Experiences of INCEST with my cusuin , I have decided not to use no more my sexuality with no one???Now i try to feel in my MEDITATION how i could have felt in that moment as a little girl, to make such a decision, without really knowing what would have ment really and without knowing the consequences of such a choice , for my life!!! I have arrived to this conclusion: I was a child very educated and raspectfull to my parents, so if I understand that i have done something so WRONG and So TERRIBLE,the first thing that i could have told to my mother, in order to be forgiven from her it is :” OK mom …i have done something wrong , but i promise you that i shall not do NOMORE THIS STAFF with no one!!!” This promise I have never spoken out to her …but I have some flashback that a similar tought, somethig like this was going on in my head when I have spoken to my family what was going on ,,,an they were all so busy to scream each other …Forgetting ME THAT I was the VICTIM !!!Was so terrible the situation in that moment …but on the other side a BIG WEGHT had releiseffrom my HEART….did not matter …so all inside myself I have promised inthe reality to myself that I would not have done no more these THINGS and know I begin to bridge that all my DISCIPLINE with the extreme phisycal training I needed to maintein this PROMISE TO MY MOTHER AND TO MY SELF ,BELIVING that was a great decision!!! BUt now i now that it has not been at all a CHOISE but only my STRATEGY TO SURVIVAL THE PAIN!!!THEN my mother died of CANCER INTHE BREAST when she was 49 years old …I was 22 tears old ..just finished the UNIVERSity ….so also after i have tried hard to maintein mine promise to her also stronger…because i could never speak to her no more about my wrong choise!!! SO..for today this is my REALIZATION OF MY PAST and of my PRESENT!!!I. I am with all of you !!! LOVE!! Roshani

62

Vicki,
Your question “why” is a huge question that we all ask ourselves. I encourage you to read some of the other articles in this website because I talk about all this stuff a lot.
Hang in here!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Roshani,
You are doing some very deep work here Roshani! Thank you so much for sharing it here.
Hugs, Darlene

63

AMAZING! I Just started My Healing Journey. THIS absoloutly explains it ALL & I THANK YOU

64

I might as WELL read the other articles, you don’t get any support from people who call themselves “normal.”
Someone I work with just said you have to be there for family no matter HOW terrible they act. I thought ‘Right. That’s exactly what David expects and probably definitely is the reason he acts whatever way he wants to. He thinks he has diplomatic immunity b/c our mom and dad were egg and sperm donors.
Of course, I might be feeling too harsh about it. IDK b/c I’ve haven’t done anything about it until a few days ago. Well, nothing drastic until now.
I agree more with the lady on the sitcom who said ‘Just b/c we’re sisters doesn’t mean we have to be friends.’
Her sister had been using her and her friends throughout the whole episode.

65

Hi Sharon,
Welcome to EFB! I am glad that you liked this post. Please feel free to share often!
Hugs, Darlene

66

I am really struggling at the moment.. struggling with all of this, struggling with me, struggling with who i am and who i am not.. I thought i was ready, you know? thought i was strong enough, to get back on my journey to me… i now think i was wrong, again, as i am always, always wrong… My head is spinning, with all i read, all i think, all i feel and don’t feel… one cannot move forward while they are spinning in one place… I dont know how to stop the spinning and i am growing so so tired.. I think i need to take a break, step back again.. and try again later or never or who knows.. i am just so very tired. I found this site and felt i was ready to start figuring things out, felt i was ready to learn and work and find my path to happiness, contentment and freedom.. I think maybe not now.. Its so hard, so heartwrenching to look at all this again… to take things apart, disect myself, my life.. then put it all back together again.. to finally find me, freedom….. but i just can’t do it… it is too much for me to bare…. it exhausts me… i even fell asleep at work, sitting at my desk, i fell asleep.. I thank you Darlene, i thank you all for sharing you and your journey.. i am learning much, i am not feeling so alone anymore… You are all such a blessing… i wish i was as strong as you all..
I am hoping i am just having a rough moment, hoping i am just overwhelmed and that maybe,just maybe, tomorrow will be a better day… tomorrow will be a stronger day.. and if not tomorrow, the next day the strength will come and i can continue on this path of learning and growing in myself.. i would hate to get stuck again, as i have been these last years of mere existance.. i want to live, truly live a life of joy.. so maybe just a few days of rest is all i need to find the energy to fight on…
I apologize for this ramble..

67

Hi Kelly
I have been where you are. I was not always the way that I am now. It was a process. When I started to write this blog I had been living in my wholeness and cementing my new belief system for a few years! I had many days in the process of healing that sent me back to bed and many times I felt that I could not go forward. This process is huge. It is okay to take breaks. It is okay to be overwhelmed and to acknowledge that you are overwhelmed. There are no rules. I did not get to this place I am now overnight. It was a process and an exhausting one at that. Please be gentle with yourself. Share as often as you like or want to. There are no “rambles” here. :)
Hugs and love, Darlene

68

Darlene
This is great! Thank you so much for sharing! I have come to realize that my abusive parents were also workaholics escaping into their work and defining others by the jobs they held. I have always tried to be the important business hard working type of person they recognized and showered them with respect and attention. I thought if I became ‘that’ person I would be loved and recognized. I always had trouble with finding my passion because I was not able to find me. So the last part of post really rang true that I didn’t need them to change… it is all the same story. Today I am excited because for the first time I feel that I can accept myself in this certain area of my life. Gather up my energy that I had invested into my parents and deposit it in my worth. Thank you!!! Thank you!!!!

69

Stacy,
I love how you put that ~ you said you would “Gather up my energy that I had invested into my parents and deposit it in my worth”.

That is a brilliant way to look at it! Thank you so much for sharing that idea!
Hugs, Darlene

70

Hi Everyone
I just wanted to point out that I published a new post about the whole relationship with self stuff ~ it is about triggers and how my old belief system came back when I was under stress with my son’s motorcylce accident 4 weeks ago.
You can read the post here: Emotional Reactions and Fears triggered in times of Stress
Hugs, Darlene

71

Ciao Darlene!!! Since two days it is a very Strong time for me because i have to change the place where i have lived for the last two months and half , with my Friend Kavita with whom i shear also my Spiritual Path!!! For me every time there is a change in my life, i go so in STRESS …and so like you shreared, i fall again very easy in my OLD BELIVES …and the main BELIVE it is that every time i have some difficulty to overcome , i begin again to feel that I Have done something WRONG to deserve this ….and i belive again that only me I can not have what instedad everyone deserves to have in LIFE!!! And I become very aggressive with the words against Kavita not because my HEART wish to harm her…absolutely no…but because my INNER CHILD it is so terrorized and in FEAR to be let by herself in difficult moments in life , i am so in FEAR to be leaved to do all by myself……..like in my CHILDHOOD!!!Now i know that Kavita is not my MOTHER but i project my mother on her , because in the moment she is the person closest to me!!!!So for me becomes very PAINFULL in situations like this, because I realize , i am aware of all …but still i am not able to stop .To break this BELIVE!!!And I feel so desperade not to be GOOD ENOGHT!! LOVE!! Roshani

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Hi Roshani,
This is really great work! Great insight. Thank you for sharing your processing with us! It is so great to have those understandings shared here! It was in sorting through all that stuff that I was able to overcome those fears, and to lose that desparation that ran my life. Really what we are talking about is overcoming survival mode and taling our lives back, so that we can live!
Hugs, Darlene

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I had a powerful dream last night – I don’t often remeber my dreams – but I was couiscious I was dreaming this one.
I am alone in my room in what seems to be the house we lived in when I was a pre-teen. The room is cold – really quite chilly. When I go to the window, it is covered by a thick sheet of ice, all over. I “know” there are other people in the house, so I go to my bedroom door to go and join them – but when I open the door, the doorway is blocked by a thick wall of ice. I can break through it – but the landing is even colder, so I go back into my room. As I do so, the ice wall in the doorway quickly re-forms.
I feel lonely and afraid, that no-one will come and warm me up; I don’t know how to get help from the other people in the house.
All this time I am walking about in my room I am aware that I am carrying something small and warm – a living being. When I first woke from this dream I thought it was a puppy – now I think it was me, a very much younger me.
When I woke, I was not distressed by this dream – I was just amazed by the symbolism of it. It so clearly reflects the climate, the culture of the “family” in which I grew up. An unhappy and self-absorbed mother, and a child-man of a father. As a child I was definitely the outsider in my family – a feeling that has lasted into my adult life.
Today, I am SOooo tired – the impact of this dream is profound, and gives me yet more evidence of how dysfunctional my parents were in relation to me. On such days, I can barely function – zero concentration – it tells me I have to sit with this and let it settle. My energy clearly fluctuates according to what is going on in my sub-coonscious – fortunately I am able to do this. Tomorrow is another day.

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Libby,
This is very profound, I agree. Interesting that the ice reforms after all your efforts to break through it. (and it is still colder beyond the wall) You say that you don’t know how to get help from the peopole in the house; I am wondering if you CAN get help from them, or if the fact that you realize you have something “in the room” with you, possibly yourself, that means that you don’t NEED help from the people in the house. I love dreams! thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

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Thanks Darlene.
Looking back, its clear that the other people in the house were not “available” to me then – and certainly not now. I was taught at a very young age to be self-sufficient – it was a matter of pride for my mother that I was good at taking care of myself.
I have few conscious cognitive memories of my abuse, only somatic memories, so I don’t know if I was “cut off” by my abusers – preventing me from telling – or whether it was the family culture of neglect. I guess it was probably a mix of the two.
I remember feeling abandoned by my parents, being bewildered by their unconcern when I was hurting or scared, so I had to self-manage in order to simply survive. I’ve been doing it ever since. Till now – it is a matter of some wonder to me that there are people “out there” who say they want to help – and who actually follow up and DO it. Self-management is giving way to self-nurture slowly, oh, so slowly!

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Hi Libby
I totally hear you my friend,
Thank you for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

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This makes so much sense to me. I spent much of my life feeling like a complete fraud, and only now through a lot of healing can accept that I have a place in this world and I belong here as I am. That is such a good feeling. Thanks for sharing this. :-)

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Hi Cate
Welcome to Emerging from Broken
Yes, we all have a place in this world and we all have equal value.
Glad to have you here!
Hugs, Darlene

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