Jul
31

False Love and Relationship Lies that Control

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Relationship lies that Control

“If we repeat a lie over and over we will eventually accept the lie as truth. Furthermore we will believe it to be the truth” Napoleon Hill

Think about this quote from a different angle; if we are told over and over again that we have false memories, that we were or are too needy, that we are wrong, difficult, an instigator or trouble maker or even if we are repeatedly told we are crazy,  what impact does that have on our self image? What about our mental health and self esteem? If we are told that our expectations were or are too high or that we deserved what ever happened to us such as beatings or punishment or public humiliation. I was told that I couldn’t take a joke that I was too sensitive and this was their excuse for their behaviour, which makes it still my fault or weakness ~  oh the list goes on.  Do you think that this could be at the roots of depression, anxiety or stress disorder?

I didn’t think about this before I “emerged from broken” because I was too busy trying harder, trying to be what they wanted and trying to get approval and love, that I didn’t realize that **I** was not really the biggest problem at all.

When I talk about living in the truth, and standing up to abusive behaviour, there was an order to it. First of all I had to realize what the lies were. Was I really crazy? Was what I was upset about really an unreasonable thing to be upset about? Was I needy? Were my expectations really too high? Did I really have false memories; did I make up or even exaggerate the abuse and the way that my feelings were discounted or the way that I was humiliated in front of others? Is respect a two way street? Was it right or fair that the burden of the relationship should have been completely on my shoulders? I didn’t think about the truth this way before.  When I was able to really see that these were all the lies that I believed about myself by acknowledging specific situations and seeing them through a different grid of understanding, I was able to see their origin and begin to change my belief system about them. This is key.

It isn’t so much that I confronted the people who held me back and devalued me, as I just stopped accepting that kind of behaviour in my life. This took some time; the fog didn’t lift over night, it was like one layer at a time. I had to stand up to my husband first, because I lived with him. The first time I said anything to him I simply told him that I was going to continue my therapy for as long as it took (he didn’t approve) and that I was no longer willing to live the way we were living as though only his goals and wishes were important and as if my purpose was to make things easier for him. I was terrified to say it. I had an anxiety attack just saying that much. He ended up having to get his own help with his own belief system and realize his own truth in order for him to change only then could we work together to heal our broken relationship. This took time and the fog began to clear with the rest of my relationships.

A couple of YEARS later I started to set bigger boundaries. I stood up to my older brother once. I never got a second chance. I didn’t get very far in talking to my mother about my abuse or my difficulties with our mother daughter relationship because she slammed the door on it. That is the chance that I took though and I never realized how much healing and freedom was on the other side of even that. The truth in what my mother did by not wanting to continue the talk was that I finally knew that she really didn’t really care enough. It was her, not me. In our last conversation, she told me that she would see a therapist with me, but she never called again. I was finally ready to face the fact that she didn’t really care. In a way this gave me permission to be so public about it.

The truth set me free to be who I am and to live in a way that impacts others for their own truth and freedom.

Darlene Ouimet

Categories : Self Esteem

11 Comments

1

It sounds so organized whn you say the layers of crap lifted in layers of fog. I like the swirling, evanescent wuities in the fog imagery because that is what it’s like for me. Thick insomemspots then the layers thin out then in comes another cloudbank. It feels sometimes that each alter has to learn whatever lesson x using it’s own vocabulary and with it’s own defenses. Two steps forward one step
back. Although I find that now I’m able to take more and
control over the swirling of the fog there ate still some inside who are resistant for their own reasons as a result of their own abuse histories. I’ve decided that forward motion toward Enlightmentnis what matters these days and it sems to be working out fairly well. But it can be so frustrating when somebody throws an unexpected curve. Patience patience patience I suppose.

2

the 1st time can recall saying no to my father was the day i moved out at 16n half. i left n moved in with some mates n slepy on their dofa, anything was better than home. it took me 6 months to go back n see them because i thought that he wouldnt love me and though i thinking it was bad enough to have it confirmed was too much. we have strained relationshp to this day. though unlike my mother he hasnt called me a liar n even drove me to therapy for years, it will never be what i want becaus ehis growth is so stunted n that is his choice.

3

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Darlene Ouimet and Splinteredones, Splinteredones. Splinteredones said: RT @DarleneOuimet: New blog post: False Love and Relationship Lies that Control http://emergingfrombroken.com/false-love-and-relationship-lies-that-control/ [...]

4

Splinty, It wasn’t exactly organized.. but it did happen in layers. I decided that I would not accept certain behaviours and then I saw more unacceptable behaviours. Thats kind of what I mean. I dealt with a layer of stuff and another layer was revealed.
In my recovery from Dissociative Identity, my alters did not have to learn things themselves. Although I often resisted, I was never aware of an alter that was resisting. I seemed to be able to do most of the therapy myself, and they just merged eventually. It is so interesting how each persons journey is unique.
Patience is certainly a conuinual must for me too! LOL
Thanks for your comments, hang in there you are diong great!!
Love Darlene

Hi Carol,
I know what you mean about having the fact that they didn’t love you confirmed was worse then just suspecting it. I felt that way for a very long time too. In fact I felt that way and I feared that until I actually stood up to my mom and told her that I wasn’t going to be treated that way anymore. The rejection wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. Thanks for sharing with us Carol,
Hugs, Darlene

5

for some reason EFB won’t let Susan post on my blog. So I am posting her comment.
Please visit susan over on her blog “A Journey” where you will find more excellent recovery related posts!

Here is the comment from Susan:

Great post Darlene…and thanks for your comments over at my wall:)
True true….my “truth” was that which was defined by others from my parents, siblings, community, abusive spouse, church…I had no “self”. Part of finding my way out of that “faux” truth was learning to recognize the dynamics of the dysfunction that I had spent a lifetime in as well as learning what healthy self and relationships looked like.

I had been told who I was, what I thought, what my intentions were and how I should feel – or rather not feel. I discovered that to find my way out of that dark place I had to see where I was, where I wanted to go and then plot a course to get there. I learned the tools you describe like setting boundaries and my family is so toxic that to protect my newfound sense of self I simply stay away from them. One sister cut herself off when I refused to be her puppet any longer so that relationship is gone. The difference between the past and today is that I now know that I have the choice – and the skills – to believe that I am in control of my life, my world and my destiny and no longer am subject to abuse in order to feel accepted.

Thanks for cheering us on!

6

Fantastic post! I am only just beginning the journey of uncovering all the layers of lies that I was told, lies I believed about myself just because of what happened. Just beginning to find the courage to stand up to people and stand up to crap and call it was it is. Just beginning this new life which is so different from the prison I’ve been locked in for so many years.

7

False Love and Relationship Lies that Control :: Emerging From Broken…

I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…

8

I can so relate to that first paragraph. My abusers told me so many times that I was bad, I was wrong, I was difficult, I was a trouble maker, I was nothing but trouble and so on. So many lies which so stripped away my self esteem.

Now as a survivor beginning to work at healing I am having too deal with internal feelings of being too needy, high maintenance because I need so much support from so many sources and so.

Trying to tell that internal voice that all that stuff is lies is such an uphill battle. No matter how often my support workers tell me that what I am going through is par the course and I’m not high maintenance just very traumatised, I still cannot stop feeling guilty for needing so much help!!

9

Fi,
Welcome to the beginning of the journey.
I really relate to your comment where you say that you feel guilty for needing so much help. That is the belief system that I am always talking about in this blog. We are constantly told that we need too much (high maintenance) and we eventually believe it. SO when we begin the process of recovery, (and for me I have to be careful because the old thinking comes back all the time.. I believed those lies for 40 some years)feeling guilty is actually understandable. We are putting ourselves first. In my case I had been called selfish my whole life, so when I was putting myself first it felt wrong! It’s really confusing when we start to untangle all this stuff but it was really important for me to do it ~ This time I have lasting results.
Thanks so much for your comments. Hang in there, what you are doing is so very worth it!
Hugs, Darlene

10

I went through this EXACTLY, asking myself all those questions as if how my mother treated me was indeed my fault. And I questioned it and questioned it until, when I had children of my own that it all became incredibly, painfully REAL. I thought then when I had kids that I would get this great epiphany, that I would finally understand why she treated me the way she did. But as I had my own kids, I became more confused … “How can someone say they love you and then turn around and degrade and humiliate and tear you down, compare you to people she not only hated, but loathed! She lied to me about big things like telling me that my dad never thought I was his and that if he knew what I was really like that he would disown me … LIE! LIE! LIE! It took a LONG time to go through each lie and each incidence … was it real? was it true? did I deserve it? The answers were, NO! NO! and ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I do love your posts Darlene! It reminds me that my mother’s abusive behaviour is not my fault! Thanks!!

11

Paulette,
Terribly sad isn’t it? These lies are used to keep us down.. for the purpose of control. In the case of my husband it was so easy to see that his father was afraid that his son would realize he was smarter then his dad. (and he is and he did realize that, but wow all the wasted years that went by before that happened)
The lies make no sense but it is up to us to get past it so we can be free and live in wholeness and freedom.
Thanks for your comments!
Hugs, Darlene

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