Feb
13

Facebook Parenting for the Troubled Teen ~ How Kids are Devalued

By

 

dysfunctional parenting

MY Gun ~ MY power

Have you seen the video that was viral these past few days about the father who decided to teach his daughter a lesson by making a video message to her and posting it to her facebook page? In the video he takes out a gun, explains the power of the gun, they type of bullets and how they react when fired, and shoots her laptop as a response to a letter that she wrote to her parents on her facebook page. She didn’t intend for the letter to be read by her parents (father and step mother) but apparently, when she used facebook hide features to exclude her family and church from reading the note, she forgot to exclude the family dog; the dog has a facebook account. 

You will have to watch the video on YouTube in order to understand what I am highlighting in this blog post.  Please watch it here: “Facebook Parenting for the Troubled Teen”

Notice that the teenager has been defined by the father as a “troubled teen.” (I wonder how she got that way?)

This father tries to do damage control in another post. (Click Here) When you read the follow up post from the father, that I am referring to as “damage control”, don’t lose site of the “truth” of what he did on the video in the first place. The video is not what someone “said he did” but is in fact “what he did”. I am not referring to the punishment. I am referring to the relationship between father and teenager. Watch how he “regards her”.  The video shows a lot of the subtle and not so subtle ways that parents so often regard their children. Try to watch this in relation to yourself.

The father starts off by reading the letter written by his teenage daughter just as she posted it on her facebook page.  And then he goes on a rant about her and to teach her a lesson, he shoots her laptop full of bullet holes at the end of the video. This video is about the power position of the father, and his disregard for the message his daughter is trying to communicate. Remember that the father is the parent and think about what that means to you. Does “the parent” have the right to discount the daughter or force her to comply and “respect him” by publically humiliating her this way? Does the daughter have any “rights”? If the laptop was indeed hers, just because he paid for it, does that give him the right to take it back and if so, what message does that communicate to his child?

The anti bullying community and survivor communities are somewhat divided in their response to this video. Some find this man really harsh and out of line, but the majority are cheering him on as though he is the new poster boy for healthy and fantastic parenting.  The comments on the video are worse than the video itself if you want some insight into how society believes kids, especially teenagers, should be treated. There are the usual comments about “kids these days” and all that stuff that has been said since the dawn of time.  Please try to keep your child self in mind when viewing or reading this stuff, because your parent side may react in favor of the father. Remember that healing comes from relating from the view point of the damaged child within. 

 When I heard the daughters letter, (read by the father on the video) I heard the daughter saying that she felt that her only value in the family was in the chores that she has to do. She said that she has to lock her bedroom door on the weekends because her 6 year old brother would wake her up if she didn’t.  (This communicates to me that she feels the parents don’t care enough about her to keep the little boy out of her room)  She writes that she is tired from chores and school; that she has to get up really early in the morning and has a lot of responsibilities when she gets home. She talks about how she is expected to get coffee and stuff like that. 

The father calls her lazy and scoffs about the fact that she said they should “pay her”.  He goes on a rant against her which in my view shows exactly where she learned relationship and respect.  The way that he talks shows his believe that SHE “should and needs to” respect him and if she does not, he will “make her” and there will be consequences. He shoots her lap top to teach her a lesson. (he bought it, he can do whatever he wants with it) He tells her that she can buy her own laptop and whatever else she wants and that she owes him for the bullets too because they cost about a buck each…

Think about the message a child gets when a parent takes out a gun and shoots something to prove his point and his power. (over her)   

This video shows a perfect example of the dysfunctional relationship between parents and children that I talk about here in Emerging from Broken all the time.  Her father is a bully; listen to his tone and the way he speaks to her and about her. He is so sure that he is right in what he is doing. He is teaching her a lesson in public. This video is another example of how parents give kids LESS value then they place on themselves.  But the interesting thing here is that this Dad “seems” to be doing this out of love. It is however the false definition of love. His actions are not an example of “love” by empowerment, encouragement and understanding.  He won’t listen to her. Their relationship is one sided. He is right. Period.

If his daughter wrote that note, why hasn’t anyone talked to her about how she feels about the home situation? How come she felt the need to write that note? Why is it simply that she is ungrateful and disrespectful?

Kids learn relationship and respect from their parents. If this is the kind of relationship and respect that HE modeled to her, then no wonder she is having issues.  I don’t think that this is about “chores” I think this is about her value.  No one has helped her to see her value.

These kids (are us) grow up and the messages that we received (such as this very public message to this teenage daughter) don’t just “go away” because we are grown up.  I wasn’t treated with respect or value as a child, so I didn’t learn self love; self respect or have self esteem when I became an adult.  I learned to submit. I learned to comply. I learned that my value was in that obedience and compliance. I learned about being owned and about being a possession.

These were the types of things that I remembered from my own childhood that helped me to understand what happened to me and where my self esteem got derailed.  My value was defined as “less than”.  The dysfunctional family system was all about “do it my way or else” and “don’t you DARE step out of line or the consequences will be grave”. 

As I said, the comments in support of the father are worse than the video itself. The daughter is not being considered at all.  It is like this Dad has become the hero for all the bully parents in the world just because the daughter DARED to post her feelings on Facebook.  People say they would have been “a lot harder on her” as though he let her off easy. And I don’t even have to wonder what they meant by “harder” because I have thousands of comments on my blog expressing those stories of “harder”.  I think that “harder” means that the father should have showed LESS love and compassion then they think he has shown in the first place. This whole thing shows that age old attitude that KIDS are “the enemy”. But who the heck is raising these kids and how come they have NO accountability? Kids don’t get “disrespectful and ungrateful” when they have been raised with love and encouragement!

At the time of this writing the video has 230,000 likes and 20,000 dislikes. That reflects the judgement of society.

Again, very few commenters’ on the video are interested in the feelings of this kid and it is obvious that the father is not interested in her feelings or in her as a person. This is such a profound example of a parent misusing his power and control and making it look like love. It is such a great example of a parent who has defined his child.

The father mentions in his follow up, that he dealt with it the way that it would have been dealt with by his father.  (In public.) I mention this because of the aspect of “generational abuse” and how this cycle is passed on from generation to generation.

On one final note, I am not asking anyone to pick sides or to make judgements; I am asking you to look at the truth about what is going on in relationships so that you can take a look at the messages YOU received in your own childhood. I am using this video and the comments as an example of how society views kids and what “acceptable parenting practices” are. 

Please feel free to share. 

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time,

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

Related posts ~ Family Category; family category has a sub category for father daughter

Mother Daughter Category;

Categories : Family

189 Comments

1

Darlene, What I noticed is that the dad’s actions were about retrieving his public dignity and not about disciplining his daughter. Discipline is more than punishment and punishment dished out for any reason other than discipline is abusive. The fact that all of this is being played out in public tells me that there is no hope of private communication. I’m sure there are lots of frustrated, angry parents of teenagers out there that feel validated by this video but it only makes me feel sad.

Pam

2

I appreciate your article, Darlene. My husband and I have been blest with four children whom we love with all our hearts. Although some of them went through a turbulent period in their teens, we enjoy good relationships with all of them; they love and respect us, and we love and respect them. Not that we were perfect parents by any means, but I think that if deep down the children know that you truly love them and respect them as persons of infinite value, there are no difficulties in such relationships that can’t be overcome together.

“Kids don’t get “disrespectful and ungrateful” when they have been raised with love and encouragement!” I agree that the daughter the video was for needed to know she was valued, respected and loved. Not everyone understands that true love must also include respect, but most of us know of kids who have been “loved” to their own destruction. Neglect of spending time together– working together, talking and playing together, getting to know them and developing relationship with them– leaves kids to behave in disrespectful ways, seemingly ungrateful for the material things the parents may give them.

3

Mental n psychological abuse, unbelievable !
He should be put away ! That’s something my father would’ve done!
Like threatening to take me to the country they were from , taking away my US citizen passport ( i was born here in the Us) give me a beatening and leave me there, in a third world country.. Imagine my fear.

4

Darlene,

Once again a fantastic post. Actually I was stunned and speechless, and don’t get me wrong, my own teenager has evoked ‘great passion’ in me at times; however, to publicly humiliate her was uncalled for and for him to whip out revolver and shoot up a laptop…I question his sanity.

She may very well be a spoiled brat most kids are. What scares me is the mob cheering him on as if he’s some kind of hero. It is unfortunate that people do not understand what constitutes abuse and the pathology it creates in it’s victims. Certainly whipping out a pistol and shooting an inanimate object that poses no threat to one’s life is simply in my unprofessional opinion ABnormal. That being said, the propogating of this message is also sending signals to our children, many bragged they were showing it to their kids. It’s a little twisted – is anyone thinking about the message it’s sending?

If he wanted to send a message he simply had to take the laptop back if he felt she needed grounding. For him to even imply she’s punished until she’s eighteen shows he’s off his rocker. Until society becomes fine tuned and educated on abuse, it will continue to fester. Bullies will continue to drive victims to suicide and eventually civilization as we once knew it will decompose. More and more I am convinced we are a nation of psychopaths…this in large part due to our media, dysfunctional parenting styles and a lack of awareness. I do hope that changes but from the looks of it, the messages we subscribe to, the insanity we support, I hold little hope change is in the cards for the immediate future…

5

Seems to me this is about power and control. She has none – and no right to any – and he has it all, and the right to it. Respect has to be earned, it is no-one’s “right”, no matter what role they may hold. The sheer violence of his response worries me. I think he is dangerous, and that his daughter needs to get away from him asap. How does her mother feel about her husband using his gun in that way?? [Of course, I speak as a Brit – we’re not so keen on private ownership of guns anyway]. Poor kid – I hope she can get some appropriate help.

6

Not very many people agree with me (and YOU!) Thanks for making it more clear to me why I did not like the Dad and what he did. For me, it’s more of a gut feeling, but you articulate exactly WHY he was wrong.

7

I was appalled at the outpouring of support for this guy. It was horrible from start to finish. I am a single mother of three with two of them already out of the home. One of my teenagers put me through more things than most people will ever have to experience. I would NEVER and i repeat NEVER do anything like this to dehumanize her or any other child. How anyone could agree with anything this guy did is BEYOND my comprehension. The outpouring of support from people also sadly exposes how easily abuse is perpetuated and accepted in our society

8

Hi Pam
Exactly, I noticed that too and it made me feel sad too. I agree with you; many many parents are cheering him on because they feel validated by his video in treating their OWN kids that same way.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Joan,
Yes, it is all about having “power and control” over another person.
That must have been terrifying for you!
Hugs, Darlene

9

This… is a fricken cop out. I’m not even going to read every comment or the entire article. I’m just going to say that My parents raised me the right way as a kid which is the best way they could. They instilled proper morals and values in me and also gave me an outlet to vent but I still was an ungrateful rotten rebellious teenager. I didn’t get all the things I wanted no but if I did, I’d hope my dad would’ve done the same damn thing this parent did.

10

Hi Betty
Thanks for sharing ~
My hope is that when enough victims heal, the cycle will stop and the survivors who embrace the truth will no longer embrace this “pecking order system” that we live in.
Thanks for sharing your views.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Libby
Great comments! Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Brenda
I am glad this resonated with you. What the Dad in the video did is such a “power over” thing. There is little room for “relationship” in a parenting model like that. How are kids supposed to ‘grow up’ to be functional balanced human beings when they are raised with that kind of model? (most of them become the same type of parent; finally being higher on the totem pole. It it so sad!)
Hugs, Darlene

11

Hi Anonymous
Welcome to E.F.B.
Thanks for your support. I don’t think any parent is perfect. I agree with you that the mutual love and respect thing is most important. Relationship and respect is learned by example. From the parent. I just wish that someone would have considered the feelings of this girl and why she wrote that letter in the first place.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Lori
Welcome to EFB
Thank you for your comments. That was my reaction too. Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

12

Hello Sarisa
Welcome to emerging from broken.
I am interested to know how you found this post and came to read the bit you read and why you didn’t bother to read the whole thing. By your reaction it seems to have bothered you a great deal. These are the kinds of things we talk about in this site ~ that people don’t get damaged or struggle with depressions because they are born that way. So.. the damage starts somewhere. I am saying that this particular video and story show the parental attitudes that cause some of that damage.
Hugs, Darlene

13

One of the girls on my page shared it, as soon as I read the beginning about how wondering how she got that way and such. There’s not always a reason for someone to be the way they are. Like I mentioned my parents did a wonderful job of raising me but I was an ungrateful wench as a teenager and there was no reason for me to be. Yes I’m bipolar, but it wasn’t my parents doing. I think the whole situation has nothing to do with the girl and the father, I think it just have to do with her being self centered and thinking she deserves more freedom. If she feels that way she should do what her father suggested, get a job.
If my child or children were to pull something like what the girl did,on several occasions I as well would take some extreme measures.
It seems from the video that this isn’t the first time she’s pulled a stunt on facebook either. The father spent money fixing and upgrading her laptop too for her to just throw it back in his face disrespectfully? Really kid? Grow up.

14

Darlene,
So glad that you wrote an article on this bullying parent…. I can feel the degradation and humiliation that this child is feeling. I am sure that she lives in constant fear of him of her father threatening her with the gun.
The ignorant man should be sentence for something! I feel the child should be removed from the home also.
Her letter was cry for help,,,we know that it has to be much worse then what she wrote in the letter.
This world has little compassion and new laws should be made so the a-hole doesn’t get glorified for his 15 minutes of fame

15

i think he was trying to teach her a lesson but should have taken some parenting classes first lol…and to shoot a very good laptop to prove a point was in my opinion just as immature as his daughter…i mean who is the parent here? I can understand how hurt and upset he was but to take it to the extreme of humiliating her for his own amusement is not right at all. i do believe if i paid for it or am paying for it then it doesnt belong to my child and i would have told them that from the get go and that i have the right to take it back when they act a certain way…but what is he teaching her? he is only acting out as she has done… ridiculous if you ask me. i do believe she should have been punished for the language she used and maybe her attitude but i would be more concerned as a parent about the way she thinks about me and how she is being treated…family therapy should have been the first action that took place..just my opinion

16

The fact that he destroyed her laptop … talk about over the top! Destroy something that’s precious to her. Yeah, that’s good parenting NOT. Reminded me of my Mum, in the post I wrote last week called “The Destroyer”

17

Darlene,

I hadn’t heard about this until I read it here on your blog. Just reading your description triggered me. My dad was an ass such as the one in this video. So much of an ass that I knew better than to EVER write anything about my parents down on paper. (No facebook then) But I still would have known better because I had no privacy. They snooped through everything so I had to be so so careful if I wanted to live in any semblance of peace. My school alerted my parents about a suicide poem I had written and they ridiculed and beat me for embarrassing THEM. I was a slave to my parents similar to this girl but I did what was asked and disappeared. I have told my mother-in-law that I figured our parents had us kids to be their slaves so I relate to how the girl might feel.

However, I have two teenagers who are SO lazy even though they are loved and valued. They want, want, want and have little concern of the cost of all their desires so I could feel the father’s frustration on this count. However, to do a video and publicly post it to the web is way over the top for me. He loses all credibility when he destroys the laptop with a gun. That controlled rage for the camera I find triggering as well. My dad was such a good actor but just wait til there was no audience. This man’s condescending tone mimicked my father’s to a T, also very disturbing. However, I hated my father and NEVER asked him to do anything for me because then I knew I’d be obligated. I had a job at 13 in order to NOT need his money. I am just SO GLAD I’m out of the house. My parents won’t be calling me to take care of them in their old age either.

There are certainly issues here, on both sides. That is for certain.

18

I could not watch the entire video of the father ranting and raving like HE is the teenager! Everything about him reminds me of every man I encountered as a child: a big bully! Why does he feel the need to rescue himself from his daughter’s Facebook posts? Why can’t she have any privacy when it comes to her Facebook page? His response is childish and shows his insecurity as a father (I use that F word loosely). He wants to be certain that he gets the last word, by posting a staged video. As for the gun, oh my, what can I say? My father brandished guns, shot the ceiling, shot the walls, beat his girlfriend with the butt, then shot himself. I can’t tell you how this behavior with guns escalates to crimes.

19

I got scared as I watched. Next time it won’t be the computer he shoots. No he will not actually do it because it would put him in jail, but that is what he thinks of her. You don’t teach kids respect as teens. They learn it from parents example how they respect others and the child.

20

Sarisa,
Thank you for sharing that. So the issue you have is that I am suggesting that there is a root to bi polar etc. I was also bi polar, and this site is about how I overcame it completely. I overcame it by facing the truth about the past. I am not saying that everyone has to do what I did, just that this is my story of HOW I did it.
One other thing that I want to mention; I was very careful to only write about what the father said in this video. I don;t think it is fair to decide that the daughter is all the things that HE says she is. She has not had a chance to tell her story. And if her letter was what she actually wrote, I saw nothing wrong with it. My take on it is that she is not being heard and that she wrote it out of distress and not out of selfish disrespect. (although if she is afraid of him, she will likely stick up for him…. after all, he has a gun)
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Invisible321
I thought that same thing and I fear that all the accolades and bravos and GO DAD are going to empower him to keep going this way and miss his chance to have a real relationship with his daughter.
Hugs, Darlene

21

Hi Nicole
Very good points! Thanks for sharing!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Jen
Those same thoughts crossed my mind! Yikes, I never put anything in writing. (I know you might be laughing because of my blog and the fact that I use my real name, but I am very careful never to lie or exaggerate anything that I write about so I have nothing to fear)

I was a slave to my parents too, and it was all about appearances for me as well. My post is not really about who is right or wrong here, but more about the truth of the example of parent/child relationship that he models. And I couldn’t help but wonder what else was going on there, by his tone and ill regard for his daughter and her feelings.
Thank you for sharing
Hugs, Darlene

22

Hi Shary
Ya… you know kids are threatened in many ways and not much gets done about it. If a woman goes to a therapist and says that her husband took out a gun and shot her laptop, the therapist would immediately help her to formulate and implement a safety plan. Guns are a threat.
Using weapons and even showing weapons is a long used tactic to threaten and control another person.
Welcome to EFB!
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Lynn
Very good points and I agree. And thank you so much for sharing you exp. with a father who used guns and what that was like!
Hugs, Darlene

23

There is a definable wrong here: the use of the gun! This man could not make his point without shooting the computer? I do take this story very personally, given my history. Yes, my father shot the TV over who was going to watch what on which channel. That’s a really good point about if this girl was an adult she might have the wherewithal to tell somebody who can help her implement a safety plan. What if one of those costly bullets (a dollar each!) ricochet off the screen and into her heart? Her heart must already be broken to bits considering the “father” she has. I wonder why he had to one-up her multiple times, ie. via weapon, destroying computer, making video.

24

Great post Darlene. I feel like making the video was this man’s choice to forgo a relationship with his daughter, probably forever. It made me sick. I was honestly shocked to see the support that was shown to him over her, I really didn’t expect that!

25

Why shouldn’t she have the right to express her opinions? Why do people label her as spoiled or bratty just because she speaks her mind? I feel acutely the double standard applied when someone is under the age of eighteen. People don’t owe a parent respect just because! The parent chooses to have the child, not the other way around, and so many parents seem to do it just to have someone to make them feel powerful. I feel sick thinking about this girl’s life.

26

Hi Darlene, my Husband and I love the Lord with all our hearts. My troubled teenage stepdaughter moved on with us a year and a half ago. She grew up with a mom who did not have any morals or values. A long story short is we are trying everything. She is in counseling at our church and with professionals. She has repeatedly posted horrific things on face book. Her computer that is in our house was bought by her mother as well as her cell phone & I-Pod touch. My husband has taken repeatedly taken all of these devices from her for periods of time. When she gets the devices back she does it again and again. She is able to look anyone right in the face & tell them a bold face lie. I know that She has some very deep seated anger. I can’t even begin to touch the surface with how much hate she has, particularly for myself and my husband her dad. She has said, “when a parent tells me to do something, I will go the opposite just because the parent told me to do it. Anyway, I/We have never prayed for someone so much in our lives. Although we have never done it, nor would publicly, to be honest, we have had visions of running the computer over with the car, or throwing it out the window. Our teen us rebellious to the 9th degree, but we did not get to raise her. Maybe things would be different. We are reaping some serious punishment from her. So I am not running to the rescue of the man who shot her computer, but a strongly rebellious teen, who feels the world owes them, who dies not want to do anything at all to contribute to the family is a grave challenge. We are in the middle of some serious warfare. Thanks for your sharing. I understand both sides. I’m not saying that heceas correct but in my humaness, I do understand his anger & frustration. I was horribly abused as a child so I look at it from both sides. I guess from the glasses that I am looking through right now, with a hateful, angry, lying, rebellious teen, who claims to love evil in our home, I felt his pain, anger & frustration. Obviously he didn’t hNdle it correctly, but we all can do stupid things in our frustration. That is not a justification just an honest human, fleshly reaction. We need to keep praying. God Bless

27

The bottom line for me, as a parent, is that if my kid were to do something like this girl, so publicly and so angrily, I’d point the first finger at myself. Based on the video, it wasn’t her first facebook flub raking them over the coals either. What will she do to retaliate against them next? Perhaps use his gun on him?

28

I once reached out to someone for help understanding my role in my family. I made the mistake of writing a letter, which unbeknownst to me was read by my parents, never sent and then later thrown back in my face. The punishment I won’t mention but suffice to say it backfired in a spectacular way. And things went badly from there…until I was able to speak up and out at 40 years old. Almost 40 before I could not fear a call, not fear judgement, not fear being ‘the failure’. Not be afraid to post on a blog such as this, or a Facebook page.

I couldn’t watch much of the video – the physical reaction to the father’s tone and actions were to terrible for me to go through. Anyone who reaches out deserves someone to reach back to them in love, even if it is to say, “Hey let’s look at this in a different light” or “There are a few ways we can look at this…can we all talk?”.

Nothing is as simple as a note, a video and a ‘damage control’ blog post. Nothing. Never.

I’ve worked with teenage girls, both at risk and from good homes. Being a teenager is hard. Parenting a teen, working with teens, can be equally hard. Respect, love, prayers and boundaries are so necessary and yet so infrequently encouraged or taught.

I know of two young women who were treated with disbelief and shamed. One went back to the abuse, the devil she knows. The other ran into another life with everyone in her family left behind. Neither is a good choice but both girls made them based upon the actions of the adults who had influence on them for positive or negative.

Praying for this family…

29

Just a thought – did their local child services get a look at this video and are they doing anything to help the young lady and her family out?

I tried to read all the posts, watched some of the video. It’s just horrible.

30

I feel sick. Not that I want to get into sides. But didn’t he do EXACTLY the same thing he punished her for…? 🙁 Couldn’t watch it all.

31

Personally what upset me about the video is not that he shot the lapbook. What made me wonder at what was going on was the fact that he didn’t address her face to face with what he found online. I am all for privacy, as far as Facebook, I am not. Children make stupid moves when it comes to giving too much information. So do adults it seems. Children need discipline. In this man’s case discipline did not include communication that was upfront and honest. He’s taught her daughter that she has to be underhanded. She cannot expect him to act like an adult. And where is the Mother? How does she fit into this?
The Father has a reasonable expectation of expecting his child to get a job as a teenager. The fact that he has bought her a laptop, maintained it and upgraded it without expecting her to reasonably reciprocate in some way: money, jobs beyond chores or her own computer maintenance learning and performance shows me a lack of his involvement in his own child’s life. And by the way, I NEVER HAD A LOCK ON MY DOOR. My Father could walk right in and read my diary (which he did whenever he wanted, it was his castle AND HE CRITIQUED IT TO ME,) whenever he wanted and told us frequently that this house was his castle.
The whole incident smacks of drama and not of understanding. I am not sorry for any person in this event. The girl does sound spoiled. What she is complaining about is complaints not abuse. At the same time her Father is acting publicly like an angry child. What is that teaching his daughter? It is easy to say that the parent is all wrong because they are the adults. At the same time as saying they are the problem they have learned typically from other parents with problems. It is obvious that this girl is not being taught basic values. The value of money, gifts, respect, acting mature and taking care of a home as well as the reality of earning a living are escaping her.

I just finished reading the fathers Q & A at the bottom of the Update page. Did you read it too? It sounds like the father and daughter talked. In fact he ended with his lesson on posting things online.
Through out this all it was one sided. We heard nothing from the daughter. Who is to say she is abused or not. The fact that the father isn’t cashing in on this and that both of them talked about what happened (and believe me I wouldn’t be surprised if this family is dysfunctional,) I’d have to say that although I don’t believe this man is a hero of any sort, I don’t believe the girl is an angel either. I still don’t believe that shooting a laptop is a good idea in any disciplining scheme either way.

32

WOW – where to start ?? huge can of worms darlene has opened here. I am a regular reader of her blog and post when i feel led to do so. My dad didnt own a gun but if i had done what the girl did my dad would have probably just taken the computer away and my mother would have smashed it with a hammer. My mother would have been the one ranting and raving and calling me a “selfish bastard” and “good for nothing”.

the cycle of abuse is out of control in our society and no one in a position of power or influence will take it on. No one in politics will touch it. i tried to get michelle bachman to speak up on the issue but she would not touch it. With a lot of guys like this father its “my way or the highway” – thats the way it was with my parents – there was no choice – you either comply or you get out. If you dont like things then tough – go somewhere else.

As is so often the case, the father uses violence to try and “fix the problem” – we are so insensitized to violence in our society that it is becoming more and more the norm to use a form of violence to “solve or fix a problem” – i am scared we are headed towards a lawless society where its every person for themselves kind of like the aftermath of Katrina.

I would suspect that the vast majority of people coming to the defense of the man are other men. the way boys and men are being raised in our society is all wrong. My wife’s best friend has her 5 year old son in martial arts learning how to fight. So his aggressive behavior is now over the top at home and she wonders why ? She is constantly fighting battles with him at home because of his behavior and she is losing. Imagine what it will be like when he is 14 or 15 and much bigger than her ?

As a man that was constantly bullied, abused and victimized throughout childhood i can say that men just will not face this issue by and large and they wont speak up about it. they are too afraid or ashamed to take it on. they wont stand up and demand change. the women are the ones who are crying out for change and for help but until the men wake up and realize that they are the ones who need to change and need help, we are going to continue on this downward spiral with more abuse and more violence and more things like this happening on a regular basis. I have a feeling we are going to see a lot more stuff like this. Most men dont know how to talk about their anger or deal with it without blowing something up or blowing someone away either with words or a gun or something else. Who will take this on and help stop the violence and the out of control abuse that seems to be everywhere in our society. Perhaps its time for me to start a blog for men to read. I know some men read darlene’s blog but rarely do any post or comment. Would welcome comments from you on my post. thanks !

33

Hi Darlene,

First of all, Thanks for your insightful post & link to the video. This was the first time I watched this video. I too regard the father as a BULLY. His disregard for her feelings and then humiliating her publicly so damaging! His motive was to show his CONTROL & POWER over HER, as the so-called AUTHORITY FIGURE!…I felt upset & angry watching this video, with the way he was talking to her, with no value.

I have felt this way with how my dad used to talk to me as a teenager. He would have that same HARSH tone, RANT, YELL & PUT ME DOWN. If I made any mistake, he was there to tell me I had no common sense. If I showed emotion or cried, I was “weak”! I rarely heard compliments & he showed no affection towards me. He was proud of my accomplishments, but did not teach me value in myself. Also like this father, he demanded RESPECT. It made me think, what else is this dad doing behind closed doors???!!!! Shooting a laptop to teach her a lesson is harsh!- it gives the message that he is in POWER.

On the other side, It sounds like his daughter is no angel either. Instead of her posting this on FB, how about writing in a journal or talking to someone she trusts. Anyway, this video is disturbing to me and does not show love. She is going to hate her father even more, for this, and I do feel empathy for her. What a Bad position to be in!…..Sorry if I offend anyone…it’s MY thoughts & feelings. It triggered memories of my DAD. Sincerely, SMD

34

I remember seeing that video a few days ago and I immediately wondered what was going on with the girl. I told my daughter that there was more to this girl’s letter for her to ‘flip out’ over having to pour coffee for one of her parents. It’s not what she has to do … I think Darlene, you nailed it on the head when you said this has to do with her being valued!!

And I felt sick about her public humiliation … and using a gun to get his point across was going too far. That would have put so much fear in me. If I were the daughter I’d be thinking, ‘What if he ever uses that gun on me??’ Scary.

So many parents look at their kids as though they’re their property – they don’t extend to them respect or privacy. I told my daughter that, when the guy read his daughter’s letter, “To me, this is the girl’s cry for help … she’s feeling suffocated I’ll bet.”

I may not be the best mom … but man, how I so desperately strive to not be live my abusive mother!! So far, the relationships I have with my kids is great. My husband never destroy our kids’ things – they might get confiscated when misused (i.e. cell phones, computers, etc.), but never destroyed and we don’t publicly humiliate them either. I remember when my mother would sell or give away things she bought me without my permission … I remember her berating me publicly. I cannot imagine how this girl’s desperate cry turned into her own personal nightmare.

Why can’t the parents, who cheered on this dad, see the abuse behind it. This kind of abuse is so subtle that even the masses cannot see it. And the damage it does tears the soul in secret.

35

This is a very insightful post concerning a very difficult and obviously emotive and divisive issue! Why people can think that bullying and abusing people is ever right is beyond me. There are reasons why people are damaged and dysfunctional. But it is never right to misuse your power to keep someone in fear.

36

When I first saw the video I thought he appeared to be very narcissistic it was almost as if by her making a comment about him on her facebook page his daughter was taking the limelight away from him. He appeared to be acting like a spoilt 5 year old child. By shutting her facebook page down, shooting up her laptop and then going public with the video (knowing how parents feel frustrated by teenagers) and making it so “spectacular” it would get so many hits to go viral. He now has exactly what he wants because judging by the comments, last time I looked there were 1,219 and rising not to mention the 22 million hits on youtube. Having looked at his other videos which don’t appear to have got too many hits hes got exactly what he wants now – lots of attention. If he had wanted to show her a lesson he could have just confiscated the computer and certainly not put that video on youtube. Yep dysfunctional family for sure. Fortunately his daughters old enough to see through his games and didn’t want to go public with her own reponse otherwise they might end up being the next shaytards Ugggghhhhh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExE4hfLyAOI&feature=channel_video_title but then they are a whole other different story

37

Okay, so now I have had time to let the nausea settle and my hands to stop shaking. I think there are so many issues going on here, and I could easily get side tracked into the many levels of concern I have for the relationship between this father and daughter. But why is it important, how can this enlighten others and what does it say? Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to turn this video into an ‘all about me’ situation, but not knowing all the facts about their particular relationship, this video did highlight something important in my own thinking.
I think for me, personally, the scary thing about my own response is *how willing I was to let it slide*. 🙁 The video upset me so much that I couldn’t even watch it all but because the abuse/control/bullying was done in a reasonable tone, because others condoned it, because I have so very often heard and believed the justifications for actions taken against me (and ended up taking the blame for them)- because of all this, I was on the verge of dismissing the way this video upset me as ‘me just being super-sensitive, being a drama queen, making a fuss’… those lines sound familiar? This bothers me because a) would I have walked away from the girl, had I known her? and b) *how often have I been turned from an assertive standing up for myself* just because someone told me I was wrong to feel that way, or insisted that they were right. Ugh.
This video has so many lessons – not just in the way I think about myself, but also in society’s perceptions and more importantly, my own relationship with children, particularly my son and daughter.
Thanks, Darlene, for some really important insights into this.

38

I am thinking about some of the comments on the video made by people who think the only parenting alternatives are this kind of “discipline” or letting kids just run wild. People who think it is just a big mystery how some children become “disturbed” or “lazy.” No thought that parents who are mature, respectful, open to communication, having worked out their own issues, might not have their children acting out in this way.

So many people love to dump on “these kids nowadays,” as Darlene said. So many people really don’t like children, period, and yet go ahead and have children. My stepmother will tell anyone who will listen about how much she has done for me and how disrespectful and ungrateful I am. All I know is how she made me FEEL: unwelcome, unworthy, ugly. None of the material things or education or culture meant much to me when balanced against the desolation of having no genuine loving connection with a true adult.

As a teenager I couldn’t have articulated this and probably just complained like this girl did. It’s about so much more than chores. I don’t think she’s at all consciously aware of what she’s really missing because she has no experience of what that could be.

As well, the parents who think that providing financially and materially, but don’t really know how to love and respect have no basis for understanding why that backfires on them either.

39

Hi Jannelle
Thanks! Yes, it kind of does have that feel, doesn’t it? I was shocked about the support he is getting too, and now he is publically lying that the police came out and applauded his parenting efforts.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Sophia
Well said! That is exactly how I feel too.
And of course, we have not heard from the girl herself. The father “said” that he gave her the opportunity to reply to all this stuff, but we don’t know if that is true.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Shanyn
I totally agree! Thanks for adding your thoughts and exp. here. One of the biggest discoveries that I ever made in my healing journey was in realizing the gap between childhood and adulthood, and how we are “expected” to suddenly grow up and act accordingly without ever having been respected or valued as equal.
Hugs, Darlene

40

Hi Sue,
Welcome to EFB
I am sorry that you are having this problem. I know that each situation is different. I look at things from both sides too and I believe it is a huge part of my gift as well.
I am glad you shared today
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Margie
Welcome to EFB
The local authorities were called by a whole bunch of people. There is a follow up video about that here; http://www.wsoctv.com/news/news/local/youtube-dad-who-shot-daughters-laptop-gets-visit-a/nHbcR/
The Dad claims to have been visited by the local authorities but the police say that then never went to his place. SO now this guy is telling the world that the police endorsed his behaviour!
P.S. the police didn’t visit him because there is no law against what he did.
Hugs, Darlene

41

Hi Bipolar Bear
That was exactly my point about the relationship between them. I really wanted to show the dysfunction and power differential here in relation to what we talk about on this site about problems we have had with our own parents.
About the truth of what happened between Dad and Daughter; I based my whole article on what we KNOW the Dad said. (I don’t know where the real mother is, but the dad mentions her in the video because he shoots the laptop once for her. (again, that is hearsay, because he can “say” anything he wants ~ what bothers me is that most of the world believes everything he says) I gathered that the man’s wife is the step mother) Since we have not heard from the daughter as you say, we don’t know anything about what really went on on that side of things. We don’t know if he actually did have a talk with her. (and yes I read that, I posted the link for that in this post too) The newest news is that he is lying that the police visited him and congratulated him. The Dad is saying that an entire detective unit thanked him. The police deny that anyone from their department visited him.
SOOO… anyone can say anything they want; that does not mean it is true.
Thanks for posting!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Dave
You might be surprised to find out that women are the majority of people who are defending this Dad. Women are the ones attacking me on Facebook for disagreeing with this Dad. But this is not about men and women, it is about people. My point in this post is about how we learn relationship from our parents. I thought this whole thing was a good example of how it is modeled to kids so very often. The support the guy is getting is “society’s judgement” that parents are “right” to treat kids like this.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

42

SMD
Yes, it is all about the misuse of power and control and the absence of “relationship and love”.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Rise
I think that there are a few answers to the “why” question. If we agree that this guy is abusive, we might have to look at our own childhoods in a new way. I hit a huge nerve with a community on FB who were triggered by my saying that “depression comes from somewhere”.. and the second thing that my blog triggers is a reaction from parents. This dad is validating abusive non relational parenting. He is empowering other parents to feel justified in their own power over parenting styles. That is why I asked people to read this post from the view point of the child within them. There seems to be this underlying belief that kids will take any kind of validation and just run all over you with it! In my healing, I had to look at the way I was parented and the way I was parenting!
Thanks for adding your parent insights and victories!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Fi
I was thinking this morning about that same thing… in the video the man says “it is about to get a lot worse”. Direct threat.
Hugs, Darlene

43

Hi Sarah
The whole thing has such a feel of “I am going to show you” and “you really messed up now and you are going to be so sorry”. It bothers me that he is lying that the police gave him Kudos when the police say they never spoke to him. He is telling the world that the LAW is behind him. I don’t know if his daughter is old enough to see through the games! I was in my forties before I saw my families dysfunction and misuse of power. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Zoe
Excellent comments! I love your insights and processing on this post! Thank you so much for sharing Zoe!
Hugs, Darlene

Sophia
YES.. me too! And it even struck a huge nerve with adult kids who are defending their parents… (perhaps because they intend to or are parenting this same way?) (and I struck a nerve with my comments about it with some in the mental health community because I am saying that the damage is done somewhere before we end up with depression etc.)
Great comments Sophia,
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs Darlene

44

Has anyone determined that the young girl is in fact ok? The first thing i thought when i saw the video is someone needs to check on that child immediately. some folks keep saying the young lady needs to get a job, the dad has told her to get a job. Can kids work at age 15 generally? i mean i know there are some places but wow already she is perceived by some as a lazy, spoiled teenager and she is just now approaching the age where it would be legal for her to work. This man makes me sick that he is enjoying his “15 minutes of fame” moment. Probably wont be the last time we hear anything about this family. Hopefully it wont be a tragic situation.

45

The reason it “felt” wrong to me, and I could not even articulate it in the beginning, as I stated in my previous post….A significant trauma in my childhood was my Dad shooting my dog. In years past we didn’t have computers. I was not allowed to talk on the phone to friends I didn’t have, and my dog meant so much to me. Now we have ways to communicate via computer, making friends in cyber space etc. Perhaps this is all some kids have.

I don’t like people who carry guns. They represent a person who is power hungry, like this dad. Don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with guns for hunting or protection (from animals). We even have a few hidden in our home. There’s a line a person with a gun crosses, and this dad crossed that line. I am afraid of people who carry guns, if I notice someone close to me with one on, I leave quickly. I have NO trust at all, except when it’s being brought out and used for a valid reason.

The way I saw to deal with this situation functionally—I would have copied her rant and then sat down and talked to her, reasoning things out, and coming up with solutions that make both of us happy. And if I felt punishment was needed I would have told the girl that she is never allowed to serve me another cup of coffee. There is joy in serving and giving. But, Thankfully, I don’t have kids like this, because I don’t treat my kids like he does. As far as I’m concerned what he did was ABUSE. Destroying someone’s property in front of them is abuse. And I don’t care that he paid for the computer. He GAVE it to her, and it no longer belongs to him. I can’t shoot up a gift I gave to my husband just because I paid for it. That’s crazy-thinking. This Dad needs to lose his big fat ego, and take some parenting classes.

46

I have to say… This was exactly how I was parented by my own father… The deception lies in our belief that this IS how parenting is supose to be. Because it was the example we lived. I have learned to break these false beliefs. But as I heal. I do find myself face to face w ignorance. I have learned to honor and teach my children “how” to be responsible for thier own lives and to honor there own choices good or bad. A poor choice does not equate to a bad person!
I am a much more effective teacher than authoritarian…

47

Hi Lori
In one of the links above there is a follow up. The police have been informed, but they say he has not broken any laws. There has never been anything from the daughter herself ~ the father speaks on her behalf all the time. The police deny ever going to the house, ~meaning that the father is lying about the fact that he says the police thanked him for doing this and if he would lie about that what else is he lying about? Everyone seems so quick to believe that this 15 year old is the problem!
It is a very sad situation and very revealing about the way society views parent child relationships.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Brokenchild
Welcome to emerging from broken
Yes, exactly. That is what this whole site is about; breaking the false beliefs!
Thank you for sharing; glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

48

Darlene, re: authorities.
I believe the police may have agreed with him, knowing how our local police are.

Almost 2 years ago my bi-polar teen (17) was out of control fighting with his bi-polar brother (23) and the police were called. My son was taunted by the police in our home, my 26 year old daughter witnessed it. They cornered him in the kitchen, one of them hit him in the back of the head and he reflexively returned the punch. They took him to the floor (5 police officers and one skinny teenager in a room with floor space about 4X10). They tazed him several times and he cut his ear rather badly on a pet food container that broke when he went down. There were blood drips all over from the kitchen to the door. He was taken to a holding cell, but no one told me where until I called them. He said on the ride there that the officer driving told him that he was in for it now, he was going to be with the “big boys” now and what was going to happen to him when there (he had never been locked up before, but we had needed assistance due to fighting at the house). Several hours later they took him to the juvenile detention center, who refused to admit him before he was seen in the ER. So the police then took him to the ER to have his bleeding ear wound checked.

So, I don’t particularly consider the Police advocates for our children in general. They are crime fighters, not helpers. Although we do have one or two officers on our local force that are good with the kids.

I was more worried about protective services, ie: child welfare, that may at least investigate the erratic actions and the daughter’s safety. She may have other issues, which may involve some mental health issues/depression.

I’m a single Mom and I’ve raised 5 children mainly on my own (4 boys 31, 25, 19, 17 and one daughter 28). We’ve had lots of support from behavioral health. The issues that the father read did not seem any worse than any I’ve heard a thousand times before and I’ve never shot a laptop!!!!!! In fact, my last husband was abusive toward my kids, and used to hold his coffee cup in the air without saying anything for a refill. By the end of things, which I ended, I wanted all of us to dump the lousy coffee on his head!!!!!!

Well that was a long post.
Thanks for reading!

49

ADD: the 17yo teenager was the one tazed, kicked and hit while being pinned on the floor.

50

Sorry, but I disagree with the entire article. It’s nicely written, but I still disagree. The laptop wasn’t hers, it was his. She willingly chose to hide the post because she had gotten in to trouble for that kind of behavior before. She got caught. She was told the next time would be worse, and it was. Maybe the reason we have a bunch of “troubled” teens is because no one’s willing to come down hard on them anymore. Poor kid! She has to do CHORES!? Awww. How awful for her. She’s so hard done by. For the record, I’m 26, not too far out of my teen years. Was being a teenager hard? I guess. I find being an adult harder and if you’re an adult who never had responsibility as a child because God forbid no one “thought” of your feelings, being adult is going to be WAY harder than being a teen.

Abuse = punishment = out of control emotions.
Discipline = calm rationalization of what happened, what you had been told NOT to do, and what the consequences of it were going to be should you do it again.

I don’t see this dad screaming, ranting, calling his daughter names, etc. I see him calmly explaining WHY what she did was inappropriate and then following through on his warning from the last time she acted out.

51

That guy is a jerk.
Shooting a laptop?
Come on.
He should be charged with child abuse.

52

Darlene:
RE: jobs
And from my boys experience, who are 17 and 19, they have looked for jobs over the years but were told that they could not be hired until they are 18 or older. At this point, the 19 yo is still looking…. Of course the felony for his hitting a police officer (even though he was taunted and hit first) isn’t helping!

53

Hi Margie
Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like quite a nightmare that you and your son went through!
I just want to clarify that my comment was about the father in this article lying about even being visited by the police. He says that they approve of his actions but the police on the video say that they never spoke to him.
Glad you are here,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Michelle
It’s pretty concerning… It reminded me of the grooming process in other types of abuse such as domestic violence and sexual abuse. VERY often a child is threatened this way, by the shooting of a dog or the burning of a favourite doll. (To scare the kid into not telling and to convey the message of who has all the power. )
Thanks for sharing
hugs, Darlene

54

Hello “NotSympathetic”

~I don’t mind that you disagree but it appears that you are disagreeing with something I did not say in the first place.

Are you disagreeing with this: I wrote: “Kids learn relationship and respect from their parents. If this is the kind of relationship and respect that HE modeled to her, then no wonder she is having issues. I don’t think that this is about “chores” I think this is about her value. No one has helped her to see her value.” ???? Because that is what this article is about.
I don’t say anything in my article about if I find the fact that she has to do chores is harsh or not. The point of my article is about how kids learn relationship from the adults in their lives. So please, clarify what you disagree with.

And about the laptop; This dad says when he takes out his gun and moves the video camera to focus on the laptop ” this is YOUR laptop” so why are you saying it was HIS laptop. He calls it hers through the whole video.

Looking forward to your clarification;
Darlene

55

The daughter had a clear need to write the note she wrote and thought it was totally safe. She had the right to both write the note and post it somewhere she thought was safe. That was her right as a human being. Maybe one reason why she tried so hard to make it safe was the fear of what would happen if it was found.

Abuse also = control, keeping someone in fear, threats, disrespect, humiliation, damaging/destroying someone’s possessions, use or threat of weapons, scoffing, calling someone names …

All of those things amongst others the father in this incident did.

His total misuse of power and control is incredibly abusive.

The father is the adult here and is responsible for having a respectful functioning relationship with his daughter regardless of her behaviour.

This is a relationship full of dysfunction. Dysfunction like this begins with the parents. The dysfunction in this case began with the father’s own upbringing in this case. The child learns either function or dysfunction from their parents first and foremost. The father obviously has little regard for his daughter’s thoughts, feelings or needs.

Too many people use “coming down hard on children” as an excuse for appalling abuse.

It sounds like this father favoured the “coming down hard” kind of discipline which he experienced in his childhood. It obviously is at the root of the utterly dysfunctional relationship he has with his daughter.

There is never EVER any excuse for clear abuse such as occurred in this scenario.

56

Hi Fi,

Well said!…I particularly think you hit the nail on the head with what you said, “Abuse also= control, keeping someone in fear, threats, disrespect, humiliation, damaging/destroying someone’s possessions, use or threat of weapons, scoffing, calling someone names”….That’s in fact what the father did!
Abuse is not discipline. The father is clearly a Bully…It’s appalling that so many people condone what he did!…Our society is suppose to be evolving to a higher consciousness not regressing to the dark ages! Just saying…..Sincerely, SMD

57

Fi,
I agree, I guess my internal abuse “radar” went up at the situation, but I didn’t articulate it very well. That is why my concern that the daughter be checked on by social services. Been there, done that, don’t want to do it again or see anyone else go through it! Break the cycle! I’ve sure tried.

Darlene,
I see what you mean about the father “lying” about the police being there in the first place, and agreeing with him. My point was just that it would not surprise me if they did agree with him (hence my long story). Social services could intervene in a more appropriate way. That part of my story regarding one of my son’s is only one facet of a multitude of issues we’ve been through.

G’night all!

58

Thanks DArlene for writing on this. I too only heard about it thru a friend posting it and commending the father for being a man that finally stood up and parented a child I think… I may have that wrong, but nevertheless agreed. I did not state how I felt, likely do to my own issues with self-doubt and degredation from my abusive marriage.
However, I can say it here now that your post put it into words. I couldn’t speak up for what I thought, cuz I’ve kinda lost my voice in what I believe, and my confidence in myself to know?

Anyhow, I too was impacted by this fathers controlled, rage and sense of entitlement to act as a beligerant but controlled violent man. I reacted to the use of a weapon/gun to secure his intimidating power and control.

However, this friend of mine’s statement was it isn’t a big deal in the states where everyone has a gun anyway…. I had to ask if that was sarcasm or if they were being for real?

I don’t know if guns are more regular fare in the states or not… but I do know that power and control sums it up well in my view… no matter how awful the teen could be. I too wondered just how her father is on a day to day basis. He was totally sitting on his throned chair of entitlement and intimidation.

Thanks for putting it into perspective for me DArlene, cuz I hid my thoughts… and instead doubted my gut reaction into thinking gee, I must be wrong and too permissive to allow my kids to express themselves and have no backbone… easier to beat myself down than stand firm for what I think is right and wrong.

59

As someone who probably IS a lazy, spoiled, ungrateful brat, I feel awfully intimidated by this whole affair. It frightens me how much aggressive, obscene pleasure the public seems to take in seeing difficult kids and teenagers being “dealt with”. There are entire TV shows that seem to be based on that. Such things always upset me tremendously, but most people laugh them off or say it serves the kids right. Makes me wonder who´s abnormal: They or I.

I´m really glad that I found your pages, it feels so good to see someone take sides with the victims of poisonous pedagogy.

60

I debated about reading this post because it really hit a nerve or two with me… and then I decided that’s probably reason enough to read it! I can see your point on a few things like how maybe shooting the laptop was a bit much, but I disagree about something important.
This is the part that struck a nerve the most, “Kids don’t get “disrespectful and ungrateful” when they have been raised with love and encouragement!”
Up until a few months ago, I would have nodded as I read that line, but now I know that’s not always true. My husband and I have always worked hard to be the best parents we can be. I’m a CSA survivor and my husband’s father was a cruel emotional abuser. We both know how NOT to parent and have loved and validated our 3 children for 23 years. They are cherished and supported and have not been emotionally, physically or sexually abused or neglected. However, like many parents, we ended up overindulging them in many ways. They had chores and responsibilities and we had expectations of them, but unfortunately, we also spoiled them in other ways.
A few months ago, our youngest who was 13, was grounded and I took her facebook away and I read it- all of it. I needed to know what she was doing in order to guide and protect her. I also took away her iPod touch that she bought herself with her allowance money. She used it to text her friends. I read all of those messages as well. What I discovered devastated me.
She was disrespectful and ungrateful in ways I couldn’t have imagined. The messages about me between her and our oldest daughter who was 22 at the time were the most devastating. As a parent, I do have the right to confiscate anything I need to in order to discipline and in order to see what she doesn’t want me to see. Good kids can do bad things. Good people can do bad things. It’s my job to teach and protect them and I would die for them.
I am a really good mother and what they said about me was untrue and undeserved. She never expected me to read that stuff either, but I did. So did that father and, honestly, while I wouldn’t use the same style, I think he was on the right track.
Kids can become disrespectful and ungrateful by developing an attitude of entitlement which comes as a result of being spoiled. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the parents have been disrespectful towards the children. In my case- far from it.
I didn’t mean to rant and I really debated about replying. I think this is the first time I’ve disagreed with your take on things Darlene, but I needed to put my experience out there.

61

Gabrielle, I have to say I read your comment with shock and incredulity. I have to admit I found it hard to deal with the defensiveness in your comment. When someone starts saying “I’m a good mother” it sets off alarm bells for me.

I have 20 years experience as a youth worker and dealt with many young people over those years, many of whom had challenging behaviour and came across as difficult, ungrateful, disrespectful etc. I had to enact disciplinary measures only in really extreme situations and can count on the fingers of one hand the times I had to do so over 20 years. Even though I had the right in certain circumstances to confiscate property but I still had to respect the child and their right to privacy. It does not matter how bad a child is behaving it is always the adult’s responsibility to give respect even if they’re not getting it in return.

While I understand the need to confiscate her property I cannot countenance reading all your daughter’s private communications. Maybe it was unrealistic of you to expect to read complimentary things in that situation. As you admitted she did not expect you to do that and in so doing she may have felt you invaded her privacy and disrespected her. I can imagine your daughter was feeling very peeved at the time about being grounded and having property confiscated. It is possible that what she said about you at that time she may not have said had the circumstances been different.

I think it may have been a mistake to read her personal information. There is both right and wrong on both sides in this scenario. Your daughter has a right to her own privacy as a human being no matter what she may or may not have done even if you do not agree with her take on things.

It is not my intention to attack you but rather to suggest there may have been very good reasons – from a child’s perspective – for her to react in the way she did that weren’t about being spoilt or having an attitude, I suspect there were a lot of other things going on.

62

Fi, your response is exactly why I hesitated to respond to Darlene’s post. I didn’t lay out all the details in my post. It would have been too long. You’re SHOCKED and INCREDULOUS?! Actually, you’re out of line. I have participated in this blog for a year and this is the first time I have disagreed with any of the posts. I was both respectful and appropriate in my comments. My daughters messages were written way before she was grounded. I only found them afterward. My actions prevented my child from becoming sexually active at a young age and she later thanked me for getting her out of a situation she felt she could not control. I have always shown my children respect, but to imply that my actions were disrespectful is plain wrong. It’s my job to be her mother, not her friend. Anything less than that would be a cop out. Whether you have worked with young people or not seems irrelevant to my comment. I have worked in adolescent psychiatry and chemical dependence as well. I am talking about parenting here.

63

Gabrielle, actually I attempted to be immensely respectful in my reply to your comment.

My youth work experience is of importance because I was placed in the position of being in loco-parentis many times over those years and had having to make very difficult ‘parental’ decisions in the process of that. You know nothing of my youth work experience.

I think the only reason you think I am out of line is because you feel I’m not taking your side. For the record I never take sides.

I can see both sides of this. I may not have all the facts but I was attempting to show how your actions may have been perceived by your daughter.

It is you who is out of line for being defensive and attacking me.

I spent nearly an hour writing and rephrasing my comment because I did not want to come across wrong. It does not seem as though I succeeded.

64

Fi, when you start out a response with “I have to say I read your comment with shock and incredulity. I have to admit I found it hard to deal with the defensiveness in your comment. When someone starts saying “I’m a good mother” it sets off alarm bells for me”, you can’t say that you were immensely respectful and not taking sides. You made several assumptions and value statements in your response to my comment to Darlene. Working with teens and parenting teens are very different indeed.

65

Gabrielle, I have no further comment to make as I am not prepared to enter into an argument or to defend or explain myself in these circumstances.

66

Good. That works for me too. Perhaps you might have considered that prior to commenting…

67

As I want to heal & that dealing with feelings triggered seems to be working. Thanks again Darlene for the push! When I saw a clip of this on the news, I didn’t want to give any support to his outrageous behavior. I figure he wants to get on Dr Phil or somesuch talk show. So my respect for you, Darlene, caused me to give it a go. It will take me awhile to process through the comments to your blog. I’m not yet,if I ever will be, able to read youtube comments. Your address to comments is so enlightening to my healing. So I’m hoping CPS is investigating this monster. I hope she doesn’t “learn her lesson” & shoot him. The triggers; from the father, the child, the public so overwhelming. Do you know when they say why they beat their child to death, they always say ” they wouldn’t do their chores” ? I wonder why that being shown on the news doesn’t make connects in abusers minds. I guess they just tell themselves; well children should do chores, I wouldn’t go that far.
I now have had a flashback from when I was an infant(I could tell by the size of the man’s head in relation to me. I saw his face very clearly & will be able to identify him in pictures my mom has at her home, when I get strong enough to go there! This occured after the father “chopped” & blew up his children. So I now know everything I need to heal is in me. There maybe a reason for suffering abuse,which is a growth from my thoughts of why on earth. I mean I understand choice, but children don’t have choice. If you weren’t raised with love & encouragement it really gets confusing. I learned this summer that making horrible choices leads to humility & commpassion for fellow humans,empathy even. If you deal with it instead of deny. But as you can read right here some won’t even become informed. I do know that I’m not alone in not even giving this jerk my attention. Those numbers are in the millions! So back to the dealin’ & healin’.

68

Fi (in comment #55) your first comment;

I totally agree! Thank you for your comments, they are very well said. As I keep saying in my comments, my article is about HOW kids LEARN relationship in the first place.

Hugs, Darlene

Hi Lisa
I appreicate your comments so much. In my blog I want more than anything for the readers to think about how my thoughts hit them. Because I healed by seeing things from a different point of view than the one I had always been taught, I really want to bust through some of the old ways of thinking. This particular post hit people differently than what I was intending. I honestly wanted people to look at the relationship power differential. And as you mention, we know NOTHING about this 15 year old daughter. (and everyone is so quick to believe everything the Dad says, even though he has now been caught lying about the police and what they said to him.)
As far as not listening to your gut in the first place Lisa, I can totally relate to that! That is a huge part of healing… and it had to start somewhere and for me it began with the awareness that I was NOT listening to my own gut reactions, but rather I would choose the side that was “safest” or the least controversy.
Hugs!! Thanks for being here,
Darlene

69

Gabrielle
re; your first comment #60
It is interesting to me that the people who are the most upset about my article are either coming from protecting their own parents, OR are protecting their own parenting style. I didn’t think that such a nerve would be hit, although the whole parent thing is the biggest stick point in healing; so I should have not been surprised that this is the nerve I would hit in this post. I am going to maintain my original statement that kids don’t get disrespectful and ungrateful when they they have been raised with love and encouragement. I have been doing this work for a long time and I have 3 kids myself. (2 are adults now) I have not been a perfect parent and lots of this parenting is by trial and error, but that was NOT the point of my article. ~ Did you try to find out why your child felt the way she did in her messages? did you allow and accept that she felt that way towards you? My article is really about HOW kids learn relationship by example. This Dad’s example (and I don’t care what the daughter did ~ we already know the dad is a liar because he lied to the news about the police endorsing what he did) of relationship is exactly what he is punishing HER for. My article is about ONLY what he did in the video. His words. His expression of power. the names he calls his daughter. He is doing all the same things that he says she did, but for some reason it is right when he does it…. and in my view a lot of society is endorsing him, because he is the parent. But what is he teaching the daughter by his example??
Each situation is different and I know that… but this article is about this situation and only about the truth that is in that video.
Hugs, Darlene

70

Hi Fai
Thank you for your encouragement. And I love that “back to the dealin and healin” I also want to validate what you said about “children don’t have a choice”. I hope CPS looks into this too.
Hugs, Darlene

71

Darlene, thanks for responding. I have nothing but respect for you and Christina and Jennifer and all the people who write and participate in this blog. It’s yours and you have every right to express your thoughts and opinions and I have enjoyed reading and have gained valuable insights. I’m grateful for that. While I didn’t expect to change any minds with my comment, I did want to convey that it is not always the case that kids don’t get disrespectful and ungrateful when they they have been raised with love and encouragement. To make a statement like that with absolute certainty is not helpful and not accurate. To read that you stand by that statement feels really hurtful to me as a parent and a fellow survivor because it implies to me, that there is an assumption that I have not raised my children with love and encouragement. You asked me this question, “Did you try to find out why your child felt the way she did in her messages? did you allow and accept that she felt that way towards you?” As a matter of fact I did. We have talked about it and have worked through it, but I was surprised that you asked that question. Surely, you can’t be surprised that this topic would elicit strong feelings on all sides of the issue. In my patriarchal family of origin, as in many abusive families, differing opinions were not allowed. As a healing survivor, I welcome all opinions and I am willing to share my own and I can agree to disagree. We all have a right to respectfully express our opinions but with that right, comes the responsibility of knowing that there may be hurt or angry reactions or that not everyone will agree with you. As I said in my initial comment, #60, this is the first time I’ve really disagreed with you and I did hesitate to say so. Fi’s response is a good example of why I hesitated. I would hope that there would be room for more than one opinion here.

72

Darlene,

I’m so glad you wrote about this! All the varying opinions show just how much this needs to be talked about. I understand being surprised by the reaction and then being surprise by your surprise. When I posted the link to this on my page, I was offline for a little bit and came back to a firestorm of comments and even though I knew parenting is THE big “off limits” topic with abuse/healing, I was shocked to see just how emotional the comments were in defending the father.

The things the father did and said show exactly why the daughter would express her anger and frustration to her friends (and even publicly). Her feelings aren’t being heard at home. Parents invalidate their children through failure to create a safe space to share feelings, ALL feelings.

I don’t think it was so bad that the daughter shared her feelings on facebook. The attitude of those who see that as such a terrible sin remind me of those who turned the other way when I started talking about my sexual abuse. I was the bad one for daring to expose the things that happened in my home.

Everything about the father’s words, actions, and attitude said that he had a right to say whatever he wanted about his daughter and he had a right to do whatever he wanted to her property. Whether through rape, physical violence or any other type of abuse, the message is the same, “You are nothing and I can do to you whatever I want.”

That’s a similar attitude in those who justify what he did by pointing out what she did. That reminds of rape victims beings asked what they were wearing. No matter the daughter’s actions, she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. Abuse is NEVER deserved. To say otherwise is victim-blaming.

If change is needed (and we only have the father’s word that the daughter is so awful) abuse isn’t the way to correct it. If kids develop an attitude of entitlement from being “spoiled”, who spoiled them? Did the child “spoil” herself? The dad didn’t take any responsibility for how he claims his daughter is now. If she was given too many privileges, who gave them to her? If she was given too many nice things without being given much responsibility, who did that? The father blamed the daughter for his own neglectful parenting. He taught her those things and then blamed her for learning them so well.

I know you’ll continue to write about the truth and I’m so thankful for that. Sing out the truth!!!!
Love and hugs,
Christina

73

Gabrielle
I am not devaluing you as a parent at all. I stand by my statement because that is what worked for me in my healing. That is what worked for me as an adult child and also what worked for me as a parent with young kids (only one was even a teen when I began this process) and out from there. (2 of my kids are adults now) The healing process with our kids was just as long as our process of healing was. I was trying to make the point that this father in the video did not try to find out why his daughter was so distressed. This article is not about you Gabrielle. My article is not attacking ALL parents. I don’t mind if you disagree with me, (or with other commenters.) I just want to be clear about what we disagree on. So many people are reacting to my blog post from their own personal feelings ~ what this event is triggering in them. And that is fine, but I want to be clear about where I am coming from. This Dad has been caught lying to the news about the police. WHY did he do that if he had nothing to hide? We don’t know anything about the child ~ we only know what HE SAID, and so many judgements in the comments are not about MY article but about the child herself and if the Dad was right or wrong. I thought the video was a great example of the way society views parental rights… that kids are not treated with the same respect that adults expect to be treated with ~ because my blog has a lot of readers who were devalued and disrespected as kids and are trying to heal from that. It was where the damage was caused in the first place. The “roots” were very often in the relationship with the parents.
I was hoping that some of my readers would be validated by realizing that this Dad was using power over tactics instead of love to teach his daughter a lesson because when you grow up in that “fog” that parents are always right, it is so hard to get unstuck from there. I was in my 40’s when I finally realized my mother was abusive and my father was a passive abuser and that the roots of my issues were in being devalued and less than the adults in my life. (AND all the abuse is rooted in that… being unprotected from sexual abuse or domestic violence… etc.) This article was meant to expose what I saw as a great example of acceptable misuse of power by a parent.
I hope that clarifies a bit more…
Hugs, Darlene

p.s. You mentioned Christiana and Jennifer (from OSA) as writers etc. on this site, ~ this blog is not a part of the Overcoming sexual abuse blog. We share a lot, but we are two separate platforms.

74

Hi Christina,
I agree! Creating a safe space to share ALL FEELINGS is key and a great point. Actually I love all the points you made here. Thank you so much for adding your insights here and as always for the work you also do in your site, “Overcoming Sexual Abuse”.
p.s. I will continue to sing out the truth!!
Hugs, Darlene

75

I can not thank you enough for this article. This was exactly the stand I took. But then, I am a sexual abuse survivor and deal with mental illness. So, I understand about the bullying and the (power over) idea. I have read a lot of self-helps book, taken a lot of therapy, and have done research on my own. I also have done reports for a psychiatry class I took in college, while getting a medical degree. I am just so relieved to see and read your article. Bless you and I love your website and have followed you ever since I heard about you. Thanks for standing up for what is right.

76

Thanks Laurie!
I am glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene

77

Darlene – yes i understand that your column is about people however the vast majority of the time, the person perpetrating the abuse is a male. Not to say that women are not abusive but in our society men seem to be very quick to go to anger, rage, abuse, violence etc. I was with 3 men last night, 2 older than me (i am 48) and one younger. the driver, who was one of the older men (i was in the back seat) was almost out of control with anger while trying to pull out of a parking spot in a lot after we left a basketball game. He started yelling and screaming at another driver. He is a former police chief now retired. the other older guy in the front seat started screaming obscenities and profanity at the same time regarding another driver who was passing in front of us. These are 2 men who are well respected in our community and highly thought of yet they both exploded in anger when one small thing happened that was not directed at them at all.

Its scary to me how angry men are in our society. You said “when enough victims heal your hope is that the cycle will stop.” – I see it getting worse darlene – i dont see it getting better. Of all the people i know, the only ones that are getting help for the issues in their lives are all women with one exception. None of the men that i know that have issues are even acknowledging them let alone acutally dealing with them. I just dont see men dealing with their issues or even being willing to acknowledge them. that would make them “weak”. the psychiatrist (male) that i have seen the last 3 years said that still to this day, men are very reluctant to ask for help or even be willing to admit they need it. recovery is not possible without taking personal responsibility. I just dont see it darlene with the men that i know. thats why almost all of my friends are women. I know i went off on a tangent here but i just see this as a huge problem in our country and society and experienced it first hand last night with two men who i had never seen display that much anger or aggression before. I had to tell them to calm down a few times before they did something worse. thanks for your column and feeback as always !

Dave

78

Well society tolerates more aggression in men from the time they are born. I personally find that women can be far more abusive, causing far more damage (psychological) and do it largely undetected. The fact that others don’t see it (sneaky, manipulative) and don’t believe it (not a woman!) magnifies the damage caused by the direct abuse.

79

I stand by my comments #61 and #63. I spent a considered amount of time attempting to ensure my comment did not come across as attacking because in no way did I want to do that. I attempted to make my comment as non confrontational as possible. THAT IS NOT ME. It is very difficult when all you have is words on a page and you have no idea to the tone of voice being used. But I had a horrible feeling my comment would be taken that way. I wrote nothing in haste.

I made it clear I was not attacking Gabrielle nor her parenting. In no way was I attacking her.

I’ve had too many situations in my life with people whose attitudes and actions were abusive although they thought they could do or say no wrong and could not see it and so the fault was with the other person, usually the child.

My concern as an abuse survivor was with the child in the situation and about comments concerning the child which were red flags to me and I couldn’t ignore.

I was not prepared to argue or be involved in a confrontation because that was not the intent behind my comment. Also the purpose of this article and this blog meant I was not prepared to argue or be involved in a confrontation.

All I was doing was highlighting ways of thinking and comments and suggesting there may be other ways of looking at it.

I feel there is too much attention given to parental rights and very little to the rights, feelings and needs of the child. That was what lay behind my comment.

It is obvious Gabrielle felt attacked and not only by me, from what was said in later comments. In that situation there is little that can be said.

Those who know me will know the heart and the integrity that was behind my comments.

I hope that clarifies things.

80

Hi Carol,
Welcome to EFB. I was shocked to realize just how people abuse in order to have control! I agree; society tolerates more of everything from men. I have been abused equally by men and women. I find that women fight to have some sort of “impact” on others more because we are more squished in general. I have gained much insight by looking at this whole thing through the grid of a “pecking order”. The one with the most power wins. In that system there are many abusers who are also victims. ie: my mother was my abuser, but my father was hers.
Glad you are here; thanks for adding your voice.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Fi
I understood all your comments and I believe that I understood where you were coming from and that it was not from any kind of attacking standpoint. I appreciate all your thoughts and comments in this blog. I healed by finally looking at what happened to me when I was a child. I healed by facing the way that I was devalued and the way that I was not really considered as a person. Many people on this website have gotten answers by looking at what happened to themselves as children too. But realizing what those messages communicated to them and how their belief systems developed because of those messages. SO.. I too have realized that there is far too much attention given to parental rights and not enough to the feelings and human rights of children. Just the fact that so many people believed what the dad said on the video that was just “his opinion” even though the police told the news that he was lying about them telling him that he was right, people believe everything he said about his daughter. He called her names, and humiliated her, but people thought that was fine. People said things like “that spoiled brat” as though they knew her. So many people are so willing to blame the kids.
Something that bothered me about some of the reactions is that my mother says that stuff about me and she always did. I spent half my life trying to prove that she was wrong, mostly by trying harder. It didn’t work. I found freedom when I decided that I was equally valuable. The thing is that I realized that I was equally valuable EVEN when I was a kid… most of the world didn’t agree. That is the root of the damage.
Thanks for being here Fi. I have always felt a heart connection with you.
Love Darlene

81

Dave,
Perhaps it is getting worse “out there”, but I still say that when victims heal, when the people living in dysfunction see that dysfunction and stop the cycle, things will get better. You may see it getting worse, but here on my blog and here in my world and in my family, I see it getting better. My husband doesn’t power over me anymore. We have an equality based relationship. We learned the real definition of love. We have made and continue to make huge efforts with our children to model real love to them. There have been thousands of positive changes in our family and they ripple out to the rest of the world. Perhaps only “our world” but that is how it starts. Here in my blog there are many people changing, taking their lives back, standing up to abuse, making a difference in their worlds too. Put your own healing first. It all begins with each individual. Change only has to begin. This is not about men or women, it is about people, all of us, in a sick society driven by the lust for power and control.
Hugs, Darlene

82

Fi, I thought you were done. Apparently not. You have clearly illustrated my original point about hesitating to share a different point of view. It would seem that there is no room here for an experience, idea or opinion that does not line up with yours. Darlene, I’m very disappointed. Now I’m done.

83

It seems to me that you can’t accept an alternative opinion here either. To share or not to share a different point of view should not be determined by the reaction you may or may not get. It seems that you are upset because people are disagreeing with you. There is plenty of room here for other opinions, but like I keep saying, I don’t think this “argument” is about my article. I think it is about what it triggered in you and that you feel your parenting skills have been insulted.

In my view, Fi was responding to what you said, with regards to what my article said. You were sharing about kids getting “too much” and ending up with a sense of entitlement. That can happen yes.. but we don’t know what happened to the daughter of the Dad in the article because she has not spoken for herself.. my article is based only on what we know for sure; what the dad did and said in the video. Based on just that video alone, he did exactly what he is accusing his daughter of doing. (so it is no wonder where she learned it) But some people seem to think that is okay because he is the father. He has “the right” to do it, but she doesn’t. My article is about where kids learn respect in the first place.
I am really sorry that you are disappointed but I understand because I am disappointed to. The only way that I healed was by facing the truth and the truth was that my value was NOT communicated to me in childhood. Period. Most people find value in my work here because I expose how that happens. BUT in this case, many were offended because I questioned parent rights vs. children’s rights. And they didn’t even have to hear from her. They just believed the Dad. People called her names, and the anger towards that 15 year old child was horrible. It triggered parents and their frustrations with their own kids and the children are blamed. I find that disappointing.

Again, I saw Fi reacting to MY article and what you wrote in relation to MY article. Most of the comments that were negative here and on the face book discussions were NOT about my article but about the judgement against this daughter and of this fathers rights to do and say whatever he wanted to and about his daughter simply because HE is the father. We have no idea what is going on in that home. My mother said all that same stuff about me. And I was doing all the chores, and most of the cooking and being accused of being a slut and going after my mothers boyfriends while she took me out to bars (underage) to help her pick up men. No one knew what my mother was doing, but they all believed what she was saying. All that matters to me in this blog is the truth.
Hugs, Darlene

84

I haven’t commented on this article and the video because I just had too much to say about it to leave it in a comment. I went to my blog and wrote an article about it from my past experiences and my opinion. All of our opinions are valid. I linked my post back to this article. I had not heard of this video until I read your post Darlene. Here is my blog post link:

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/02/youtube-video-facebook-parenting-for.html

85

Thanks Patricia
I shared your link with EFB on FB too.
Hugs, Darlene

86

Book Recommendation:
I am currently working on a book recommended to me by my therapist, Mineela Chand. The book is “Growing Up Again” by Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson. I would recommend this to other adults/parents who may have not had the best childhoods as it helps you to see where your thoughts and parenting skills are and why, as well as how to improve them. It is also a good book for a group study for those who may be interested. It uses a “Nurture/Structure Highway” to describe all the types of nurture (abuse, conditional care, assertive care, supportive care, overindulgence and neglect) and structure (rigidity, criticism, non-negotiable rules, negotiable rules, marshmallow and abandonment). I’m still reading and learning about myself and my parenting skills. My kids are 31, 28, 25, 19 & 17.

87

Hi Margie,
Thanks for the book recommendation.
My oldest is 20 but from what I have heard, parenting is a lifetime job! I am still learning too.
Hugs, Darlene

88

Darlene,

I completely understand your points about children learning relational styles from their parents and that the daughter was responding from a feeling of not having value in the family. Even though my mom wasn’t abusive (it was my dad who was verbally & physically), she said a few things that really angered me, and still does when I think about it. One example: when my brother and I would misbehave, one of the things she would say was that we were “guests” in her home and we were to behave that way. BOY DOES THAT TICK ME OFF! I never fully understood why until now. It makes me feel like I was considered a second-rate family member. Considering that my mom was sexually abused by her uncle, which was swept under the rug, I am convinced that this is where comments like that originated.

89

Hi Kim
That ticks me off too. My mother said stuff like that after I moved out of the house. I was visiting her once with my infant son (who was a very difficult baby in the night time). My husband had taken our son out so that I could get some sleep and my mother woke me up. When I complained that I had been up all night she responded that when I was in her house, I would follow her rules. I was 30 !! Needless to say, I got UP!
I agree that a lot of these comments are learned. My mother talked about how devauluing her mother was to her all the time, but yet, she reapeated the cycle!
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

90

Children as labor or objects goes all the way back in history. Cruelty was reintroduced into popular believe during my parents generation with the introduction of “Dr. Spock” he taught to deny infants and children affection that it was bad parenting and would ruin and spoil a child. His teachings has taken a horrible toll for a magnitude of people. Abuse was never spoken by anybody, to anybody and “Dr. Spock” justified abuse through neglect. We really are looking for the world to change long time status quo, these things don’t happen overnight but this is a start. We must be careful to not be over sensitive or we will not be believable. If we are not believable, then we cannot make progress. People need to see the damage particular parenting causes but focus on the most harmful examples and continue with the plight for children as equals. Be careful, children still need protection from responsible adults. Anyways rambling, lol.

91

Carol,
I am enjoying your rambling.. please feel free to keep doing so.
I find your comments encourageing and validating. Thank you, I am glad you are here!
Hugs, Darlene
p.s. My mother was a huge fan of Spock. on another note, did you know that Dr. Spock apologized in his later years as he realized that he had done a lot of damage with his work? It was a little too late though…

92

How is the girl doing? I have a lot of concern for her and what her emotions and feelings might be right now…. I have heard a lot from parents and the parents side, but what about what the girl might be. How about hearing from someone who could have been in the girls place. i could have been her.
Reading this blog, the comments, watching the video, and seeing some of the other comments after the youtube video, has given me many flashbacks and bad memories. This is so sickening. I am not so far removed from my teen years and the abusive home that i grew up in, that I can’t remember. Kent (bio dad) portrayed that kind of controlled anger. He never had a gun, but he would have done stuff like that. he would beat the animals, then I wondered when I was the next one. He did things like this. I have been through the public humiliation like that. I don’t care what the girl did, the dad there is very abusive. Parents who give their children the material things – food, clothing, phone, computer – do not necessarily meet their children’s emotional needs. I dared not write anything down at all. I learned that the hard way. Anything that I wrote was twisted, shared, made into what they wanted it to be/say. I didn’t have any value in their eyes. That is NOT good parenting. I didn’t have a phone, phone privileges, a computer, or anything. I didn’t have anything that was between me and another person. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t do anything that was not analyzed, scrutinized or condemned. Other than the shooting the computer, I was that girl.
I have had major triggers from this. Please look at it from what the girl might have faced. She probably felt totally alone, like i did for many years. I don’t have good to say about my biological family. I don’t believe it is being really disrespectful. They made choices, like I did, and those choices hurt and hindered me. Parents can’t expect to be respected if they treat their children so very disrespectfully.

From a similar situation,
Kia

93

Margie,

Thanks for sharing your Book Recommendation on “Growing up again”…I’m going to look for it on-line, at Amazon or E-Bay. I like the topics you wrote and I think this book would be helpful in my parenting. Sincerely, SMD

94

Carol,

I agree that Dr. Spock has caused so much damage, but I disagree with your statement,”People need to see the damage particular parenting causes but focus on the most harmful examples…”

How do you define the most harmful examples? I work with survivors of sexual abuse (and I’m a survivor of many types of abuse) and in the course of healing and hearing from thousands of other people who are facing the wounds of the past, I’ve seen how much damage all types of abuse cause.

I was sexually abused for most of my childhood by my uncle, father and others that my dad handed me over to, I was physically abused, spiritually abused, financially abused and verbally abused. Some of my abuse seems horrific to people and some of it “minor” to most people, but some of the seemingly insignificant abuse has wreaked the most damage and required the most time and effort to heal. I don’t believe that minimizing any abuse is helpful to anyone.

I don’t believe that the message of equal value is diminished at all by using examples that don’t seem newsworthy or shocking. Rather, I think it’s strengthened by showing all the subtle ways power and control are conveyed.

Christina

95

Christina, I absolutly agree with you. The more I typed, the more I rambled when all I was trying to do is keep it short. Go figure, lol. Let me clarify, what I mean is my concern the the small (size not magnitude) could drive the audience away. I do understand the threats innuendo are the worst part of abuse, I live it. The public need to be shown what abuse is to start with. Most peoples perception is no where near reality, they do not recognize it when they see it. I bet like myself you can see an abused child from across the room. I want more than anything to have people understand abuse. I just think they can only handle small bits of the reality at a time. I hope I’m wrong. I am struggling daily with the incredible urge to go public in a very big way. The most damaging abuse I endured was the “little” things, gas lighting, projecting, neglect, etc, even though I was beaten black & blue, refused food, alienated from all family and friends, belittled & called names for hours after every beating, etc. none of what happened to me was ever noticed by anyone and to top it off, my behavior was blamed on me being crazy. These things happen and until people understand what we mean by abuse being about control and they understand we are not talking about simple corporal punishment (still abuse), then we will not be able to make progress. Notice the baclash from supporters of corporal punishment. There has to be a seperation of corporal punishment as a parenting choice and abuse, there is a difference! Both must change but they a two different animals with similar results. We run the risk of getting the same old accusation that we are wimps blowing things out of proportion which is what this blog is about. I want people to realize we are not crazy! Because we are not!

As for public humiliation, I was covered in bruises and welts two days following a beating. The school called child protective services. When they arrived, they called me into a conference room and asked me to show them the evidence of abuse. I showed them the solid band of black and blue on the front side of my elbow, it was about 8 inches long and 4 – 5 inches wide. SOLID, my shirt brushing against it was excruciating. There were several workers there and only one was female. They said thats it? I told them my back and legs were covered in bruises and welts. They had me pull my pants down AND bend over. I was terrified! I did it. I went home and was told quite slyly that the workers did not care what she had done and that they told her she just couldn’t leave marks. All my beatings after that were directed at my head and skull. I felt raped by the workers and needless to say they helped my abuser by humiliating me.

96

Forgive my typos and writing, I am a better writer than I appear to be. I am typing on an iPad.

97

Realizing I need to be careful about expressions here, I appologize for the “rape” expression and replace with ” molested”.

98

Hi Everyone!!

I’d like to comment on this statement from Gabrielle…”I am a really good mother and what they said about me was untrue and undeserved. She never expected me to read that stuff either, but I did. So did that father and, honestly, while I wouldn’t use the same style, I think he was on the right track.”

Gabrielle, I see that you feel you’ve been attacked in this thread. I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt. I have to tell you though, the statement I quoted from you sounds EXACTLY like something my mother would say. ESPECIALLY the “I’m a really good mother” part. I had red flags the second I read that as well. Actually, my blood is feeling a little warm at this statement if for no other reason than I can hear my mother saying it. My mother is my ABUSER. I’m sure she would agree that it would have been okay to read something I wrote as a child. Luckily, I was smarter than her and when I wrote, I made SURE she wouldn’t find it. I should mention I have no children so my views do not come from a parenting perspective. That said, I do still hold an opinion about reading your childs business. I can’t say if I think it’s right or wrong. I can only say that if a parent DARES to venture into the innermost secrets of their children’s minds, they should do so with ENORMOUS preparedness. To elaborate, in my opinion, prepare to be offended, prepare to keep it to yourself and prepare to NOT use it as leverage or a means for punishment. After all, you invaded privacy, and that is something that should be VERY carefully thought out, before carried out. I also have an opinion about your daughters devastating words. They didn’t come from nowhere. Since coming to this blog, truth has been more important to me than ever before. The truth is, something must have caused your daughter to speak those words that offended you. I see you being bristled up over the mere mention of responsibility on your part. My mother is this way as well. I see you focusing on your own devastation rather than considering what has caused your daughter to feel the way she does. More of my mother’s tactics. I see you had to have the last word here, and two of your posts were rather sarcastic in nature in as much as can be determined by typed correspondence (particularly in post number 66). I didn’t get that sense from Fi.

If you think this man in the video was “on the right track”, that all but confirms you have some responsibility in your daughter’s painful words. Pride is a big deal for this man. Should you be asking yourself if pride is an issue for you too (since you think he’s on the right track)?

Your comments truly triggered me. Maybe because it feels personal because you’re female and my mother is my abuser and you sound a lot like her. These are just my opinions, take it or leave it.

I honestly am sorry your feelings are hurt by the posts above. I hope you will soften up and speak openly with your daughter about why she had those feelings/words toward you, and do so with an open mind. I believe in my heart of hearts, the best and only way to total restoration, is complete honesty with yourself, and your daughter. I hope and doubt simultaneously, that this will encourage you, rather than discourage and offend you.
With hope,
Mimi

99

Do you still disagree with me Christina? Do you feel regular old corporal punishment compares to what happened to me? Shall I share more? Corporal punishment is wrong like I said, is it comparable to what happened to you? You do realize that you, the all knowing “expert” as you implied, accused me, a victim of abuse of minimizing abuse. Really? I came here to share in a casual relaxed way because figuring most people here were victims of abuse as well. I wrote loosely because I think it is reasonable to assume I needn’t explain every detail of where I am coming from since most have been there. I have re-read what I wrote and reading the whole thing provides a context for what I mean. What is your true motive?

100

Darlene,
When I watched this video, it was like watching my mother in action. She never used a gun. Thankfully we didn’t have guns in our home. I’m convinced someone would have used it!!

This man’s indignant and blatant disregard for his daughter and then, THEN… HE LIED about the police condoning or congratulating him for a job well down… (loosely quoted). I could puke. That is soooooo my mother!! Power in numbers is her secret motto. If she didn’t have a number of people agreeing with her and confirming she’s the almighty, she made numbers up. UGH!! This part is particularly disgusting to me. It very much hits home!!

Thanks for sharing this enlightening video. My heart goes out to this poor girl.

Love,
Mimi

101

Hi Kia,
As far as I know, no one knows anything about the girl except what the father says. We all know that means we don’t know anything. I totally understand how this all triggered you and I thank you for sharing. I too have been threatened by seeing animals beaten. Swearing and kicking objects. All of that is very scary for a child and it is an intended communication/warning. I wrote my article from that same perspective. I felt for the girl.
Hang in here,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Carol,
I think that there has been a misunderstanding between you and Christiana. I think that she misunderstood your original comment. I hope she will comment when she is back online. I think that this post, the video and some of the reactions have perhaps caused more defences than usual around here. I know that for me this past few days since I published this blog post have been really huge and stressful with people being triggered; this blog post and topic seems to have gotten to many of us in deeper ways than I expected.
Hugs, Darlene

102

Hi Mimi
Ya, it is pretty typical of all abusers, manipulators, etc.
Thanks for sharing and also, I appreciated your feedback to Gabrielle.
Hugs, Darlene

103

Hi Darlene, I agree there was a disagreement, my intent was to merely point it out. No hard feelings on my part, I sincerely have only good intent and only look for positive interactions with others here. I wish only the very best for Christina.

To get this conversation back on track, I will leave with my thoughts on it;

I really feel the video has brought up important issues here, I merely wanted to contribute. The video has hit an important soft spot for us abuse victims, invalidation of the abuse.

What the father did is absolutely abuse 100%. Corporal punishment does not involve intimidation. Even the law only requires the victim to fear harm to consider assault. I do not believe the child was not intimidated, so much so that she would go along with whatever her father said. Typical.
Take care all
Carol

104

Darlene,
To think, all this time, I thought my mother perfected this “power in numbers” mentality. I honestly had no idea it spans through nearly all abusers. The things I learn here!! Awe inspiring!!

Kia,
I remember your story and I hope you’re doing well.
Peace and love,
Mimi

105

Poor dear. The daughter is being treated as a slave because she is not considered a real person yet. She dares to have resentment. She isn’t allowed any feelings. And this Bully looks like my own father and with the same kind of Have-Gun_Will-Rule mindset. And the comment boards cheering for him. He’s so wrong.

106

Hi Denderah
I agree. I like the expression “not considered a real person yet” I use that one too. Thank you for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

107

Denderah ~ I can so relate to that and it sure resonated with me! That is how I have always felt with the family I was born into … they all treated me as though I was not considered a real person yet – especially with my abusive mother. And I knew that to them, I would never be a real person until I succumbed, which I refused to do!

108

Hi Everyone
This post and some of the comments here and on the web brought me back to how much pain I was in over not being heard when I was a child. I had NO voice until about 7 years ago. SO, I wrote a new post about it and published it today. It is about how my voice was squished when I was a kid. It is about how I learned NOT to tell, and not to fight and how I finally gave in and discounted myself the same way that I was discounted by others most of my life.
I hope that you enjoy the new post! You can read it here: Not being Heard and Finding my Voice
Hugs, Darlene
Founder of Emerging from Broken

109

Rise,
I never succumbed either. I left as soon as I could find a way out. And I never looked back. They were outraged. They hunted me down on several occasions but I got away again. Finally time cleared the muddy waters as my tormenters aged and died. I think I can still hear my mother hollering from the Land of Ghosts…”You deserved it!”

110

Denderah ~ {hugs} I know what you mean … sometimes I think I can still hear their silent whispers accusing me of being the crazy one. :o)

111

Darlene,

According to you, roughly 90% of the population agrees with this father’s actions, and that alone is saying a lot. Even other teenagers made youtube videos agreeing with the father’s actions. In fact, I only saw 2 response videos that disagreed. The one was obviously a “troll” and the other was a guy who went so far as to state that ALL teenagers hate their parents, and when he was a teen, he wished his own parents would DIE!

If you read any of the followups, both the police and Child Protective Services (CPS) visited the home, and they did not determine that any laws were broken or any abuse had occurred. When the daughter read some of the negative comments about her father, her response was “Geez, it’s only a laptop.”

The dad also consulted first with his ex-wife, and the daughter’s own mother asked him to put a bullet in that laptop for her as well. This was a joint parental decision. This wasn’t the first time they caught the daughter doing this, and attempting grounding as well as attempting to reason with her, had already failed. The vid

Now, if the authorities, the parents, the daughter, and roughly 90% of the population don’t see this as abuse or bullying, including other teenagers, then why do you? Does it occur to you that maybe you’re the one with the problem?

Excuse me, but actions DO have consequences. As far as who she learned that behavior from? She learned that from her peers, not her parents. My God! Do you know anything about teenagers? You know, like raging hormones and melodrama of “teenage angst”? How teens”test their limits”? The personal “fables” they believe, that often results in them engaging in risky, and dangerous behavior? All part of their transition into adulthood. During which time, teenagers often rebel against authority and defy their parents. During this time, it is the parents’ job to set the limits, and establish consequences for violations. Which is exactly what he did.

You think if you gave teenagers a say, that they would voluntarily choose to do their chores? Go to school? Stay home at night and do their homework, instead of going out and partying till 3 am? Yeah, like teenagers make good choices for themselves. You want to tell me that she has some kind of right to make up lies to slander her parents with? FYI, freedom of speech has never extended to libel and slander–never!

You imagine that kids who are raised with love and encouragement don’t get “disrespectful and ungrateful”? Sure, and if we all just joined hands and sang “Kum by ya”, there’d be world peace! What kind of overly simplistic nonsense is that anyway?

Parents hold authority (ie., power) over their children because they are the ones who hold the corresponding responsibility. Parents who can not control their children, often end up having them taken away, and put in institutions. In many states, parents not only can be sued for the harm their children cause to others, but under certain circumstances, the parents can be held criminally liable as well! For example, if your child breaks into your liquor cabinet, holds a drunken party, and one of those kids dies on the way home, you can end up in jail! There are parents who have been charged criminally for their kid’s truancy from school!

There’s a group of teens who thought they were just pulling harmless “prank” by taking down a few street signs. As a result, someone died, and those kids are now serving LIFE sentences in prison without the possibility of parole. They’ll be sent home when they are dead, along with several thousand other teens who are in that same perdicament. In many states, juvenile criminal records are no longer sealed or expunged–and will stay with you, effecting your career and ability to get decent jobs, for the rest of your life!

In the town I used to live, they actually voted in a “no knock” law. Giving the police the legal right to enter homes, without knocking, and without a warrant, if they even suspect there are teenagers inside drinking or doing drugs. They also instituted an 11 pm curfew for anyone under the age of 18. Know why they did that? Aside from the crime and vandalism, over 15% of the high school seniors DIED from drugs and alcohol. They weren’t just harming themselves either. A drunken 16 year old driver ran into my best friend. She lost her son, her husband, her mom, and she’s now permanently crippled The drunken teen? Physically, he’s fine, but will have a criminal record hanging over his head, along with the memory of all the people he killed, for the rest of his life! Not that I care about his “feelings”.

As horrific as trauma and abuse is, it is possible to recover. There’s no coming back from DEAD. I applaude the father in that video because hopefully, his daughter will learn that actions do have consequences, and sometimes, those consequences are permanent! I’m not able to appreciate your attitude on this because if that drunken 16 year old’s parents had done the same with his car after the first time they caught him driving home drunk, my friend’s family would be alive today. They actually have the nerve to act like they’re the victims, which doesn’t surprise me either.

I’m sorry you were abused as a child, but I care far more for those who have been victimized by permissive parents who aren’t willing to do what it takes to control their selfish, self-entitled teens. They are a danger both to themselves, as well as others. Attempting to reason with them often does more harm than good. Teenagers will talk each other into false beliefs, firmly convincing themselves that their parents are ignorant, and they know better, and there is nothing you can say or do that will change their mind. If you continue trying to reason anyway, and allow them to argue back, then you really are the idiot they believe you to be.

I feel Mark Twain explained it best, as follows: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

112

mememememe

~ Its interesting that you don’t have the guts to use your real name and instead chose to use this fake name in order to confront me in this way. What are YOU afraid of?

Having said that, I did my research; I watched the video that the news posted, where the police say that they DID not go out to his place. They deny approving of his actions, Only the Dad said that they did. You believe him. And since he lies about that, I question the rest of his information.
We have never heard one thing from the daughter herself but you believe everything the father said.
(The police do say that he didn’t break the law because he lives outside of city limits, so they could not act.)
~ the dad says that the mom agreed with him to put a bullet in the laptop. you believe him
~ the dad says that the daughter said “it’s only a lap top” you believe him.

What does 90% of the population have to do with anything??

According to your comments, teenagers are responsible for most of the problems in the world. I have 3 kids, 2 of them now adult. All of them did their homework and went to school and I didn’t have to treat them like crap so that they would. I didn’t scare them into compliance.
Darlene

113

Hi Darlene,

It is obvious that the arguments over this subject will never end and how could they when everyone is so quick to point the finger at everyone else but themselves. Your anonymous dissenter makes a good point, however, in that most teens learn how to behave (or disobey) from other teens. Why wouldn’t they when 90% of their parents have no real relationship with them as your dissenter so clearly points out. When you treat a child, most especially a teen as a PITA responsibility or an object in which you own and can do whatever you want to with or to until they are 18, it’s not hard to figure out why they choose to learn from their friends, whom they actually have a relationship with. When the friends have parents who treat them similarly – as subhuman – it is not hard to see how bad judgement leads to tragedy. But hey, let’s just keep blaming the kids for the sake of the parent’s egos.

114

Jen
EXACTLY! You make very good points. Thank you so much for adding your voice! What you said here is SO true and very well said. My daughter is home from university this week; we are enjoying some of these comments together! It is really amazing (and validating to me) what she is learning in her neuro science and psych classes in relation to what I talk about here in this site!
Hugs, Darlene

115

Learning to validate me is so strange, without your insights, Darlene I just used to shut down in protection from these stories of abuse. Now I use these triggers to work on becoming whole.
Personally I can’t understand how people are viewed as chattel.
I’m trying to think of a correlation in nature.
Also the “population” 28,366,186 of views is approximately 88% no comment.
My hope is that you continue, Darlene, thank-you.

116

Hi Fai
I can relate to what you just said Fai ~ I too used to react to this stuff with fear. I love what you said about the triggers!
Thank you for pointing out that 88% of people who viewed this, didn’t comment! That is such a great point!
Hugs, Darlene

117

Mememememe,
Wow, your name in itself says a lot. I was astonished at the anger that pours out of your message. I’m certainly sorry for the losses you’ve experienced. Loss is never easy for anyone.

You said that teenagers will get together and essentially bounce ideas off each other blah blah blah. Then you said, “my God, do you know anything about teenagers?” What an incredible INSULT!!!! And, from what I gather of your message, you DO know everything about teenagers. I’m just confirming what you’ve written and how I’ve perceived it, to be clear.

I agree there should be consequences, rules, etc. I’ve never ever heard Darlene say there shouldn’t be. So, WHERE does this idea that she knows nothing about teenagers come from?? Seriously?? Can you answer that question?? I’m not being sarcastic here. I’d truly like to hear your response to this question.

The biggest most overlooked idea from you is….. there are TWELVE years preceding the teenage years. For you to state that EVERY defiant idea a teenager comes up with is from his/her peers is CRAP!!! I can evidence this by saying, if the poor daughter of the man in the video ends up going to prison someday for using a gun, it’s NOT because she learned it from a peer!!! She learned it from her DADDY!!! The BIG KAHUNA!! What a proud moment that will be for HIM!!!

And, look mememememememememememe, the truth is, during those formative twelve years prior to becoming a teenager, parents essentially have a ball of clay in which they can mold a human from birth. Do you disagree that when a baby is born, it’s essentially a clean slate with which the parents can do anything they want?? If you agree that a baby/child/teenager becomes a product of their experiences, then perhaps you can better understand how teenagers become angry, defiant, manipulative, etc.

Maybe you’re asking yourself how I would know. I know because I was one. I was very angry, I was fairly defiant at times, I carried out bad ideas, etc. That anger and defiance was the result of my mother’s neglect and verbal and emotional abuse.

I did not come out of the womb angry!! I wasn’t an angry young child. In fact I was sweet and very affectionate. From age 5-12, preteen years, is when my less desirable traits started to develop. It wasn’t from my friends. It was from my HOME!!!! When I entered teen years, I was FED UP!! I had nowhere to turn, and no one to help. My anger and pain had festered since age 5.

THAT my friend, is what caused my teenaged defiance.

Although your points are shallow and poorly thought out, I do think you sound somewhat learned. However, you misspelled “predicament”.

Most Sincerely,
Mimi ~ the angry teen

118

I just have to agree that failure to have relationships with one’s children from a young age is a great detriment to them. A parent should never assume they know their kids – ask them. A parent should never assume ownership either … this I know from my own past. Because I look so much like an aunt my mother loathed, she assumed I was also just like her when I wasn’t. She liked to assume control as if I didn’t have a brain of my own. Children need to also be shown respect and love over and beyond the ‘call of duty’ …

It doesn’t mean we don’t discipline at all – we do – but respectfully and without degradation. I think that when adults fail to have loving, caring and open relationships with their kids, they have failed their kids.

119

Hi Mimi!
Excellent comments to memememememe ~ Thank you for adding your voice and insights to this. They are really excellent.
Hugs, Darlene

Rise,
You said a huge mouthful of wisdom when you wrote “I think that when adults fail to have loving, caring and open relationships with their kids, they have failed their kids.” Thank you so much.
Hugs, Darlene

120

I suspect memememememe is a one hit wonder. I love people like that who can’t leave others alone. They pop in, stir up stuff, then disappear. Hmf!

I agree too Rise’. You put it so much more eloquently than I could!! 🙂
Peace to all,
Mimi

121

Mimi
Actually “memememememe” has tried to post twice more but her comments are so devaluing and abusive that I can’t publish them… One of her comments is to you….

Memememe ~ Mimi is NOT a teenager.(mimi she thinks you should print out your post and seal it in an envellope till you turn 21 and then read it back to yourself. She is trying to tell you that you are too young to know anything.)
~I believe that Mimi is in her 40’s
I think perhaps Memememe, that you are on the wrong blog.

Darlene

122

Thought I’d share the following which I found on FB, Channel 6 ABC Poll regarding the shooting of the laptop.
Tried to share the link but couldn’t figure out how at the moment.

The dad allegedly comments and I quote:
“But he also takes aim at his critics: “Hey, you raise your children however you want. Mine don’t have criminal records, don’t fail classes, and they’re polite (most of the time)”.”

So I commented:
I’m thinking this was WAY OVERBOARD! Who or what is he gonna shoot next? We don’t know anything about this girl or her family, except what her gun toting father is saying. If she’s a good student, polite most of the time as he says in this article, and doesn’t have a criminal record, then WHY SO EXTREME??? The use of the gun is a threat to the girls safety, even though not necessarily spoken as such.

The results of the poll at the time:
77% said the punishment “fit the crime” (559 votes)
22% he went to far (158 votes)

123

Darlene … you’re so welcome! 🙂

124

Mimi … thanks to you for the compliment! 🙂

125

for the people who think like “mememememe”, my family was my biggest influence-rs. I simply say this to say that if I had been loved and valued at home, I would not have had to do undesirable things. In my foster family, I may do something I shouldn’t, but I never end up repeating it, because i get some consequences and when i realize how they felt about it, then the appeal was no longer there. Family plays a huge part in who children/teenagers become. My experiences have taught me that.
This whole idea of what the father did and all the support he received, has saddened me. Thanks, Darlene for bringing it up. I have been forced to deal with an issue that would otherwise have remained buried for a while.

126

Darlene,
Whoa…. I had to laugh a little at that. (until I’m 21)!! At 43, that’s the best compliment I’ve had in years!!

Thank you for posting my comment; I know it was a bit colorful. But, I was a little offended by what mememememe was saying. Why come here and try to put a thorn in everyone’s side and stir up crap? If people don’t agree, why can’t they keep their mouths shut and move on? Go to a forum of people with whom they DO agree. Makes no sense to me. Looking for an argument I guess.

If the controlling/bullying/abusive type of child rearing is working, why are there so many people coming here writing, reading, and trying to heal?

And, like I said above, if this girl starts waving a gun around eventually, it won’t be because her “peers” coerced her. It will be a DIRECT result of daddy’s ridiculous public rant. PERFECT parenting if you’re aiming to teach your child all about violence and the proper way to use a gun. I wonder why memememe fails to make that connection. Perhaps it’s that nothing can ease a parents’ conscience quite like blaming the peers; as opposed to taking responsibility for damaging their children.

Thanks for letting me have freedom of speech Darlene. As you can likely tell, I felt pretty strongly about this one.
Peace and love,
Mimi

127

Mimi,
You call yourself the angry teen at the age of 43? LOL!

128

Just to add my voice after reading mememememeetc.etc.etc. I “learned” my bad moods and my anger in “home sweet home”. I was taught hate and violence from my parents. Thank goodness I unlearned them along the way after I was an adult or I would be in lock-up now. Mememe does go on and on…and on…

129

When I read comments in support of this father, I wonder what trauma the commentor grew up with that they are still defending. One man I know who praised this father grew up in a home where his dad was having sex with a daughter, and the rest of the family acted like it was no big deal. Just saying.

Regards,
Sophia

130

My mother often said that “kids are sneaky” As if we got together and planned conspiracies. She said that without “discipline” (beating)that we would think we weren’t loved! Can you believe that? I must have been very loved then considering all the bloody noses and belt welts! My mother would opine about “All I’ve done for you-you ungrateful kid!” You get hit-see how grateful you feel. And let’s change the preposition from all you’ve done “for” to all you’ve done “to”…Heh.
I must have been just an absolute monster to require so many years of discipline! My poor poor beleagured Mama!
Mememe believes in authority as the right rule. She applauds the ignorant father. She describes teenagers as selfish and entitled. She berates the permissive parents. Does permissive mean courteous and respectful? Does that get her dander up? Come down hard on those youngins! Beat the little babies too while you’re at it-get im softened up! They will love you for it one day!

131

Hi Kia
It still shocks me that people think kids just get that way on their own! It is sad that the father is getting so much support and it is also a reflection of how messed up society is in relation to what is acceptable. The false definition of love here is huge. Like I said, I wrote this post to highlight an example of what is out there.
Thanks for sharing Kia.
Hugs, Darlene

Mimi
If I posted the stats for the traffic that I get on my blog that memememe would be shocked. My stats are a huge reflection of what people are looking for… but it is the broken adult child that is looking for healing more than the abusive parent looking to be validated for their harsh parenting styles.
Hugs, Darlene

132

Denderah!
EXACTLY ~ oh I heard that kids are sneaky thing too! And the “after all I’ve done for you” stuff… that is a huge one! I want to know what they mean by that one??? I agree with the word exchange you suggest!
There is a difference between authority and love ~ by finding it and talking about it, the next generation may not be a messed up as this one is! Thanks for sharing!
hugs, Darlene

Sophia
That is exactly what I do too. I wonder what they have not faced yet. I think I might have agreed with the father who shot the laptop 20 years ago. That was my normal. I didn’t recognize abuse or the warnings that went with it. I didn’t know that I was equally valuable enough to expect anyone to treat me as though I was worth love or respect.
Thanks for your comments!
Hugs, Darlene

133

Sophia,
(RE: Post 129) I think as you do regarding the comments from the parents that agree with the father – what horrors did they grow up with themselves?

I also thought with the poll I saw and posted above (122) that more of those who agreed with the father made comments (559)than those who didn’t agree (158).

Perhaps this is still a part of that secretive attitude that so many who have been abused grew up with.

It’s up to those of us who recognize the wrong, are willing to make the changes in our own lives, and make others aware with understanding, patience and love to break the cycle.

134

Hi everyone!!
I wondered what memememe must have grown up with to come here and insult people.

To everyone who said they heard, “after all I’ve done for you”!! OMG, do we all have the same mother?? I heard that so many times as well. Now, I want to ask, “if a roof, food and clothing was that big of a sacrifice, you should have thought it out a little more before having THREE of us!!”

Kia,
I’m so happy to hear your voice on this subject.

Yousef,
About my age, it was an inference to that comment I wrote specifically. I suppose it went over some people’s heads??

To everyone ~ PEACE!!
Mimi

135

I couldn’t watch that video in its entirety. And I was shocked at how many of my facebook friends posted it, cheering on the dad. Including the mother of one of my daughter’s best friends (It’s no wonder to me now that her daughter is out of control.)

Clearly there is a broken relationship with his daughter. Possibly she truly IS lazy. But shooting the laptop, after he complains about how unappreciative she was of all of the time and money he spent upgrading it? If that were his true argument, he would have taken the laptop and kept it himself or sold it. He wouldn’t have destroyed it. Shooting it is just proof that he is reacting out of anger, which only breaks communication and relationships further.

I feel so sad for the daughter.

I am a firm believer in making the punishment fit the crime. Fairness is everything, but the biggest part of being fair is having communication.

136

Hi Laurie
Welcome to EFB ~
Thanks for sharing. You have really valid points. I too am shocked and sad at the way the majority of the world acted. There are some amazing comments with fantastic insights here in this thread of comments that really expose the truth about this kind of parenting.
Hugs, Darlene

137

I have been thinking more and more about how the world views things and when abuse is so prevalent – especially of the insidious kind, you have to wonder in our society today if this kind of abuse, insidious and surreptitious as it is, is not the cause for the increased number of people suffering from depression, anxiety, obesity, etc. It really makes me pause and really wonder sometimes. Does anyone else have any thoughts on the subject??

When you have a video like this dad does who gets so many comments ‘for’ the dad – it really makes you wonder about our society. I often wonder too, with so many women in the work force – with both husband and wife being stressed at work, and or being overworked, and not giving their kids the time and attention they need, if this is not also a form of neglect which heightens troubled teens – thus escalating depression, anxiety, etc. in our society. Kids want to be known – when ignored or neglected by parents, its a great disservice to our kids! These are things I have really been wondering about!

I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband and I are glad I made the sacrifice to stay home and raise our kids instead of a daycare raising our kids (or anyone else for that matter). (And I used to be an Insurance Agent.) Granted not all couples can do this, and I know there are parents who both work full time and still strive to make quality time for their kids – I’m talking about neglected kids here. As a stay-at-home mom, I really miss the community that existed when I was a kid where the majority of mothers were stay-at-home moms and there was a real community of ‘it takes a village to raise a child.’ At least where I live, that is gone – it doesn’t exist anymore and I can’t tell you how alone I feel sometimes when there are so few stay-at-home mothers it seems.

But when my husband and I see the benefit of me being at home and available for our kids, living without a lot of wants – its worth it. (My husband also loves the benefits of having a stay-at-home wife and he prefers it.) It showed one day when my 13 year old daughter’s class had to do a project where they had to pick a parent or grandparent to interview and write about. My daughter was able to do most of her project in her class. The next class she had, her teacher commented to her that she must be a great interviewer because she had so much information about me (she chose to interview me.) My daughter looked up at her and said, “I already knew all this about my mother, I didn’t have to ask her much, I really just had to clarify some dates.” Her teacher was AMAZED, and my daughter was surprised that she was amazed. My daughter further explained how there were some kids in her class whose mothers work and the kids had no idea what their mothers even did at their work! Some of them didn’t even know where their mother worked! A lot of kids knew hardly anything of the parent they were interviewing and this shocked my daughter! She couldn’t understand how the kids could know so little about their parents! To her knowledge, she is the only one who has a stay-at-home mom in her class – and she is so happy that she does!

Anyway, those are my thoughts … and they way society basically empowers bullies by encouraging the bullied to not stand up to them, I think is an atrocity!!! And it really makes me wonder if we won’t see an ever increasing uprising of depression, anxiety, obesity, etc. because of it. It really makes me wonder!

138

Please note that even some stay-at-home moms can neglect their kids – this I know. The point I’m trying to make is parents making an effort to KNOW their kids … just saying.

139

Just wanted to add a little more. Don’t want to give the wrong impression of myself as a hateful, violent personality because hate was in my home. I was a very quiet fearful kid. Perhaps that is why I was targeted. My two sisters and one brother were made of sterner stuff. My anger went inward over the years and became depression and I had to work through that.

140

Hi Rise
I was driven to start EFB because of my discovery that my depressions and dissociation was caused by the abuse and neglect (and not being seen) that I experienced in childhood. (and it matters NOT what kind of abuse or neglect ~ it all causes damage!) That is why I constantly say that the key to healing is in discovering where the “broken” happened in the first place. I have believed for years now that there is a root to depression etc. (and this is it) and that is what I have been writing about here since the beginning. So YES… to your first paragraph!
(and my mom was a stay at home mom too so you are right that has nothing to do with it)
Hugs, Darlene

141

Thanks, Darlene … abuse is becoming so much more prevalent in our society. Where do people think its okay to be mean, cruel, neglectful, etc. to people?? Especially kids!? It makes me so angry. And yeah, even though I wrote from my own point of view, I know there are stay-at-home moms who are abusive and working moms who strive to the best of their ability to still have awesome relationships with their kids.

Children are such a precious commodity – more than wealth or wants or selfish desires. There is nothing more precious in all the world than a human soul. Nothing!

142

My mother was a stay-at-home mom too who had no love in her heart for me … she made no effort ever to know ME. Being a mom is a huge responsibility – a huge honour and being there for our kids is their biggest need.

143

No Worries Denderah
I understood. Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

144

Rise’
I agree with everything you said above. My mother stayed at home too, but she was a beautician in our house. She did some older ladies’ hair one and a half days a week. She never worked outside our house.

I think you hit the nail on the head with the depression and anxiety, obesity, etc. Great insight to me, thanks for sharing it.

Love to all,
Mimi

145

Mimi ~ You are so welcome! 🙂

146

Hi Everyone!

I published a new post today about Facing the Damage. Before I faced the damager, I had to find out exactly what it was… and some of what I thought it was was not the most difficult stuff to face.
Hope you read my new post: “To heal from emotional Damage, know what the damage was.”

Hugs, Darlene

147

Darlene,
I just saw a commercial for the “Today” show here in central U.S. Matt Lauer will be interviewing the father and daughter both about the rant he videotaped. They didn’t give a specific time or day, but it’s on sometime this week. I’m going to try to watch. Hope you get a chance to see it too.
Love,
Mimi

148

Thanks for telling me Mimi
I will see if we can get it here! (it is supposed to be on tomorrow ~ wed. mar. 07th )
Hugs! Darlene

149

Oh, awesome…. I’ll be tuned in tomorrow morning!! Thanks for letting me know date/time.
Mimi

150

Awesome – I hope I can catch that too!!

151

… perhaps it will initiate another rant???

🙂

152

Hahahaha!!

153

Hi All
I just published a new post about how dysfunctional family system got passed from generation to generation, at least in my family..
You can read it here: “Victims can become the biggest Abusers ~ The cycle of Abuse”
Not making excuses for abusers ~ just telling it like it is/was…
Hugs! Darlene

154

Mimi,
Thanks for the info…Can’t wait to watch it!…Just need to peel myself from the sheets tomorrow morning lol…
SMD

155

There was really no point in watching this show today where they were supposed to talk with this father and his daughter. They asked a few questions that were emailed in. Nothing was addressed. The daughter did not say more than a few words. No one asked anything about the actual event. The father joked around about warning off potential boyfriends with his gun reputation.. it was lame…
Hugs, Darlene

156

That’s disappointing!…I was hoping to hear from the daughter. Thanks for the follow-up. Glad I missed it and stayed in bed lol!

157

Hi everyone!
I thought the daughter seemed cautious. The father did say he thought he didn’t handle it the best way, but, who wouldn’t on national TV.

SMD,
Good call sleeping through it!! 🙂

xoxo,
Mimi

158

Oh my gosh, Darlene … so the guy just basked in his few minutes of fame. That is lame. I feel so bad for the daughter, she will likely never realize how much his actions were so inappropriate until she either has kids of her own or she hits the age of 35-40-ish – the age when many of us finally figure out what is truly inappropriate and abusive, when they find out that something inside them got broken. I hope she sees it for what it is long before that.

159

Or Worse Rise…
she might raise her kids the same way. Hugs, Darlene

160

Darlene … You are so right – so often the cycle keeps repeating itself, like I fear it will with my siblings who refuse to see the truth … What a tragedy!!

161

I was outraged by this video and felt such contempt for this bully of a father. He obviously has no respect for his daughter. No wonder she was angry and had to vent. What was also sad was the fact so many people I know were cheering his actions and saying he was “awesome.”

Control, power, violence… this is love? What a screwed up society.

162

Hi Drained
That was my reaction too. I just don’t see how parents or people like this one think they are teaching respect or LOVE.
Hugs, Darlene

163

Drained … my reaction as well … and my feelings exactly. It’s a warped world we live in when the worst kind of abuse – the kind that’s so insidious and crafty – that so many don’t see it for what it really is!!

164

and the poor girl looked so stifled, fooding for comfort maybe. At least, and I do mean least, he somewhat defended her against the negative things people said about her, “I didn’t expect” I find it hard to believe he is so clueless. Then again my own father doesn’t understand innocent motives, guess cause he never has them! So to extrapolate, maybe he doesn’t believe she is bad.

165

I find it disturbing, disgusting, and endlessly ugly that anyone would support this abusive father. He has obviously never respected his daughters feelings, and while he feels he is allowed to show aggression, violence, and rage against her, she is supposed to be docile and quiet. She is punished for “daring” to post her true feelings online, just as she was likely beaten as as a young child for slamming doors or raising her voice, activities which her parents likely engaged in all the time.

166

Hi Caden
Ya, I was really surprised about the public response! And some of it even got into the comments here on my website, sticking up for this guy, but it goes to show the reality of whats out there.
thanks for adding your voice.
Hugs, Darlene

167

Hi everyone,

This father is not a father, he doen’t deserve this word.
He is violent and this poor girl needs some help.
To write her feelings on internet was a desperate solution for her to be helped and that’s so disgusting that she is seen as difficult child.
Such bullshit.

I so agree with you Caden and Drained.
Caden,I really like : “He has obviously never respected his daughters feelings, and while he feels he is allowed to show aggression, violence, and rage against her, she is supposed to be docile and quiet. She is punished for “daring” to post her true feelings online, just as she was likely beaten as as a young child for slamming doors or raising her voice, activities which her parents likely engaged in all the time.”
So so unfair for the girl.

This dad uses her poor daughter to take power, to exerce control to make feel his ego better; so crap. He doesn’t mind her daugther suffers so much.

Thats so look like to my own story.
My father invaded me, read my diary, threatened me , terrorized and when I desperately tried to answer, he beaten me, scared me to death the same way this jerk reacted in the video.

Growing with a such bully, we learn to obey, to be obedient. We see that violence is the only way to behave. And when we react to their violence by just protesting, we are considered as criminal and we are beaten and violented.

But who is the real criminal?

I agree with the fact that children who received love and respect never become violent.
Disrespect attitude never learn nothing. Harsh methods only learn violence. There’s never need to show violence to a child.
And if a child needs to be violent, it’s always because he suffers a lot and he is not loved at all by his parents.

If the parent is respectful and shows love to his child, this child will never be violent or criminal.

168

This is the new post on EFB! […] This week I came across the expression “love and you will be loved” several times and it got me thinking about how in theory it can and does work but the problem is what it infers. Depending on what you have already learned about “love” different messages are received through this saying. This phrase is so often said as a solution for everything just like with other sayings such as; Love heals all wounds; Love is the answer; if you are lonely then simply Love someone. It implies that if you “are not loving” then you will not be loved and the message that I “heard” is that I was not loved because I was not loving enough which led to me trying harder in impossible and abusive situations. This directive “love and you will be loved” seems to imply that we are all able to love as though love is something we just “know” how to do.  Are we born knowing how to love or do we learn how to love by first being loved. […]

169

Thanks for this emotional point of view; I knew something was missing from the public discussion.

170

Hi Goocy
Welcome to emerging from broken.
Darlene

171

Hi, Darlene…..my father was such an arrogant, obnoxious, sadistic, controlling bully that I get extremely triggered by videos and stories such as this. It boggles my mind, really, that there are people in the world who actually believe that this father’s behavior is something to applaud. It is deplorable behavior…..simply disgusting and deplorable.

First, children are people. They are PEOPLE. People have rights to possess their own thoughts and their feelings. Period. Children have thoughts and they have feelings. This girl was trying to express her hurt and her exasperation, as well as her feelings of invalidation, and she had a perfect right to express herself in a letter.

Second, what kind of a role model is this father? Not a good one, that’s obvious. A caring parent would have read such a letter and thoughtfully considered what was written. If I had read such a letter written by one of my children, I would sit down with my child and we’d talk about how she felt. Why? Because

172

….oops!……something happened and my previous comment got posted before I was actually through commenting!…..sorry!

…..to continue……Because my children are extremely important to me. What they think is important to me. What they feel is important to me. I want them to know that if they are hurting or if they feel that something isn’t fair, then I am willing to listen and to work out a better schedule or a better plan. Why couldn’t this father have respected his daughter and her privacy, and why couldn’t he have acted rationally and sat down with her to discuss what they could do to allow her to get her sleep without her brother coming into her room? Why did he feel it necessary to humiliate her or shame her in front of the entire world? Is that a loving way to handle any human being….much less, one’s very own child?

I felt utterly disgusted when I first saw this story being reported on the news. I can’t understand how some parents think at all.

I feel terribly sad for this young girl. The whole thing is just so sad, really. I well recall my own father’s constant shaming and humiliating of me. Some things he said and did, I will honestly never forget. They made lasting, and–unfortunately–negative impressions upon me.

Thank you for writing about this topic.

Love,
Marore

173

Hi Marore
Everytime I hear a story like this one I am struck with how many ‘parents’ do not seem to realize that children are PEOPLE! and in my earlier work I wrote a lot about HOW and WHEN do we become people, when we are never regarded as people in childhood!
Thanks for sharing.
And yay that YOU are not that kind of parent! What we are doing here will have a huge ripple effect!
Hugs, Darlene

174

Hi Darlene,

Again, excellent insight, as always. I confess, I have seen the video when it when viral the 1st time around, but have no desire to ever see it again. It made me sick…just the thought of it still does. Obviously kids need boundaries but so do parents. Having grown up in a home where boundaries were one way & I was not entitled to any, I know what that’s like. I have also faced some public humiliation, but what he did was terrible & went above & beyond normal or constructive punishment. I didn’t like the way he handled the situation, & somewhere down the road, he will face consequences for his actions (by his daughter once she’s of age-when remains up to her). I fear that this family has been damaged badly before & after the laptop shooting.

I am reminded of a story I read either in jr. high or early high school, about abusive parents, a girl, & a dog. Things got so out of control that they decided to punish the girl by taking her out to a remote location, & making her dig a grave. Next they handed her a gun & insisted that she shoot the dog. However, at the last moment, she turned the gun on herself. That’s where the story ended…with the death of the girl. There’s no telling what could have transpired after she shot herself instead of the family dog. Did they shoot the dog too? Were they angry at the girl for making them dig an even bigger grave? 🙁 That story has stuck with me for many years…just as vividly if I had just read it yesterday. Maybe because I could use it to relate to this situation.

The above situation with the dad & the laptop hits a bit too close to the story involving the dog. What will he shoot next? An animal, the girl, himself? I was disgusted with his behavior. He is supposed to be the mature adult, & supposed to use discernment & wisdom to guide her properly. As far as I know, guns do not/should never enter that equation.

Just my 2 cents on this subject.

January

175

I saw that video. But I did not see a message the daughter was “trying to communicate.” I saw a daughter who did not want to help out around the house and was posting mean things about her parents behind their back. She even blocked her church group from seeing the things she was saying. Quite a double life she was leading.

If she had gone to her parents and tried to discuss this, I would have understood and thought the parent was wrong. I am not saying that shooting the laptop and posting the video was right. But I am saying that if a teenager who is old enough to know right from wrong wants to say and do things she hides from her parents when she is still living at home, under their roof, and not contributing to the family in any willing way, then why is it once again the parents fault?

What am I missing here? I was horrified when I read the things my son had been posting on his blog about me, when he never once said any of these things to me. That’s just plain wrong, any way I look at it. Teenagers are grown up enough to take some responsibility for themselves. It’s not always the parents fault.

176

Where I live now in Central America with “poor” Mayans, the whole family works together to keep food on the table. This kind of behavior from a family member, especially a child living at home, would be simply unthinkable. Why a teenager living at home thinks they should be “paid” for doing chores, when all their expenses are paid for by their parents, is beyond me. If she doesn’t have to pay for her expenses, she should be willing to contribute.

Especially anyone growing up on a farm, as my husband did, or me, growing up with 8 children in the family: we did chores all the time and we didn’t grumble or complain, or if we did, it didn’t get us anywhere.

I can’t believe that this is somehow an OK attitude for anyone to have. This reeks of the spoiled American kids I see all around me. In Latin America, I see none of that. Until we gringos come down and start giving so much away, and we are creating a whole “beggar culture” there with all the same resentments coming our way, when the day finally comes that we finally say “No.”

No, I can’t agree that this teenager is owed money for doing simple chores around the house, or that she had the right to block her parents and her church from the things she was posting. Her father bought the laptop and it was his to take away. How else do children learn what is acceptable behavior if there are no consequences?

She was using her family and complaining about them the whole time. What makes her right in all this? Lying and sneaking around doesn’t qualify in my book. This is the first time I’ve disagreed with anything on EFB, but really, I’ve been around too many teenagers just like this. People have to contribute to the good of the whole or they end up lazy and selfish. There, I said it! And it’s not always the parents fault.

177

Catherine
Take a couple of deep breaths, and read what I wrote in the post. Read some of my comments. This is all explained in the content here. We don’t know anything about the daughter, we only know what HE, her father said. Try to read this through the eyes of the child that was you instead of the parent that is you.
This website is about healing from the damage caused from being discounted and devalued. This man, this father, was not loving, his actions were not loving, he does not own his daughter. Shooting her computer, a computer that he gave her, (but in his eyes he owns her and her possessions) is a threatening thing to do. I hope this helps you to sort through this.
Hugs, Darlene

178

Hi January
That is a creepy and yet all too believable story!
Hugs, Darlene

179

Thanks for writing this (finally someone who sees thing how I do!) I was horrified when I heard about this guy doing this to his daughter. I watched the beginning of the video but couldn’t stand to watch the whole thing because the guy reminded me so much of my abusive father. To me shooting the computer was a huge threat of violence to this poor girl. What that means to me is that he wants her to know that he has this powerful gun that can destroy her computer, and who knows what else if she dares to cross him. I would be scared he would shoot me if I was he daughter. I think it is so sad that people support him. He is abusive. The girl deserves to express herself, and he violated her by exposing her to the world.

180

Hi Tember
Welcome to EFB
Yes, I agree! Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

181

I think I’m really confused by this. Perhaps it’s because we don’t know what the real backs story was. I am sure that you are not saying that children and teens should have complete and total autonomy over a household and that if they refuse to abide by some rule or do as they’re asked, that it’s okay to walk away and forget it. The legal system even provides for consequences for defined offenses. It creates order and we as citizens are expected to obey. I also agree that part of her note alludes the fact that she isn’t being respected (the part about the brother…where are his defined boundaries and rules?). But what if she really was respectfully asked to comply with house rules and reasonable chores and she simply would not obey? I dont think that only abused kids disobey. I have seen plenty of healthy, happy, well adjusted kids from loving supportive households get into trouble and be defiant from time to time. Where does one turn next when respectful reasoning still doesn’t work? There have to be defined consequences for actions and they have to be fair and resonable. Please don’t misunderstand because I don’t think that this father was being either. However, what is? What do you do when reasoning (which you can’t do with a small child) and asking don’t work? I know that tone is difficult to discern in written text but I am legitimately asking. What if the daughter had been asked several times to contribute as she was reasonably expected to do and she still refused? Does Dad just give up? What is the next rational step?

182

Hi Kelly
Welcome to EFB ~ If you read through my other responses in this particular post you will find more insight and answers to the questions that you have asked here.
hugs, Darlene

183

NEW POST published related to this subject ~ […] has been my experience that sticking up for abusive parents is about parental entitlement; if anything threatens the ‘rights’ of the parents, some people will freak out and defend […]

184

This reminds me of my dad. I remember my brother lied to him once about having finished his homework (he wasn’t allowed to play on the computer unless he did) and when my dad found out and saw my brother playing on the computer, he ripped my brother’s boy scout uniform to shreds and said he couldn’t be in the boy scouts anymore. I’m sure there were similar incidents with me, but I’m blanking on them right now. I think that’s why I feel fear about standing up 100% to my dad. I know he has the capacity to physically destroy things, though it’s not often that he does.

Sort of a side note, I believe the reason my father reacted this way is because my brother was reflecting back to him a part of himself he refused to acknowledge: that he also lies and/or withholds important information. I don’t know exactly what information, but I do know that my dad has had some legal trouble that I only barely found out about years after it started, and even now I hardly know what it’s about. Apparently my dad was also out of work for a year when I was a kid, but I don’t remember that being the case. He never picked me up more often from school because he was out of work, or I just don’t remember because I was checked out emotionally anyway. It’s all very fishy.

185

Hi L
Wow… we lived some crazy things!
hugs, Darlene

186

Comment #174 touches on this, but as a firearm owner myselfI’d like to clarify:

Bring a firearm into the scenario was wrong. It does not matter what the daughter did. Firearms have one purpose: to kill. When one believes that they, their loved ones, or another innocent person is being threatened with physical harm, it is appropriate to display and (if ALL else fails — and only then) use said firearm.

Being embarrassed by your daughter does not even begin to qualify.

I own a firearm because I have a right to defend myself from assault/rape. Displaying one in order to intimidate a child should not EVER enter any parent’s mind.

FTR, I think destroying the laptop in any way was an implicit threat of injury and therefore wrong, but the level of threat signified by using a firearm… yikes. What he did may have been “legal” but it was wrong and grossly inapproriate.

Sorry for commenting on such an old post.

187

I don’t know which is the most disturbing the father’s actions or the support he got from so many people. I agree with disciplining children but that is just OTT. As a Christian it especially disturbs me that so many professing Christians support this sort of “parenting”. They are quick to quote the commandment that says “honour your father and mother” but conveniently forget the Bible also says “parents don’t exasperate your children”. No wonder so many young people are leaving Christianity if this is the way their “Christian” parents raised them.

188

Shooting the laptop brought to mind immediately the intimidation tactics used by abusive spouses (destruction of personal property).

The other part of this story that feels strange to me is the focus on chores. I didn’t have chores as a kid growing up, but I think it would have been easier for me if I did. My mom was always angry that we didn’t help, but she never told us what she wanted us to do. She thought it was obvious and that we were supposed to want to help her. It felt like I was just going to get yelled at no matter what I did or didn’t do. I was never instructed in dish washing, bed making, or vacuuming, and I sure never had lessons in mind reading!

189

This video was beyond bad. I feel for his child. That people think this is a good thing is beyond me when it reeks of sick dysfunctional family dynamics plastered all over it. The self righteous attitude of the father was hard for me to stomach. The closed minded attitude down memory lane of the list of things that he had to do when he was a child never once considering the fact that maybe he was asked to do too much too reeked of generational abuse as he sat there smoking his cigarette killing himself and probably all the rest of his family members right along with him telling them that “if you want to live in my house you have to suck up that second hand smoke and die right along with me because if you want me to love you that is exactly what you are going to have to do!!!” The way that he talked about her is like putting that gun to his own daughter’s head. He is killing her off piece by piece, minute by minute until there won’t be anything left of her still telling himself what a great dad he was just like his old man. Makes me sick!!!

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