Jan
17

Facebook Hide Features and Belief System Busting

By

finding self , who am I
Going Behind the Walls

In today’s blog post I am taking a look at motives driven by beliefs about ourselves that are not based in the truth.  In order to do that, I am going to post some food for thought questions.  You may answer them in the comments if you wish. You may share them with your friends. You may click the facebook “like button” or not. You have a choice. I want you to have a choice. The point of this post is not to make you feel guilty about yourself. The point is that in answering these questions for yourself, you will see some truths about your belief systems. 

How many of us hide our communication in facebook from our families and close friends? There is nothing wrong with using that option and I am not suggesting that you stop hiding your likes and dislikes or comments in facebook.  This exercise is merely an exercise in fog busting and truth realization. Everyone will have different answers. Some of us never use the hide button.  Some of us really must use the facebook hide buttons, because to neglect to do so would truly be dangerous. 

Having said that, here are the questions. Not all of them will apply to everyone;

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I am going to define my own value from now on?

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I participate in or read discussions about emotional and psychological abuse?

~Why do I use the hide button on some comments and not on others?

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I am reading a self empowerment blog?

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I am finding out that they were wrong about me?

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I do not belong to them? They don’t own me; or do I   still think that they do?

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I have a mind of my own? That I am thinking about forbidden things; that I am going to grow up without permission from them?

~Why do I feel like or believe that I have to hide my actions?

~In thinking that I am protecting their feelings, why do I worry more about their feelings then I do about my own.

~Why do I question myself and my actions, MORE then I question theirs?

When I stood up for myself and took my life and my identity back, I was not using facebook for any kind of self improvement type work. If my family would have been on facebook with me, I would have been terrified they might find out what I was doing. I would have used all the hide features. That is not the point of this blog post.

The point is that It was in answering these kinds of questions that led me to realize my own belief system and all the problems that were rooted in that system. When I asked myself why I questioned my own actions more then I questioned theirs, I was stunned. I felt as though someone had punched me in the gut. These kinds of questions served as a giant spring board into the depths of my mind and greatly advanced my own process of changing the lies I believed, back into the truth.

Please remember that I am in no way encouraging you to stop using hide features or to start standing up to anyone, either family or friends. This is not about judgement. I am not judging you and I do not want you to judge yourself. This is an exercise in exposing your own belief system. This is not easy. This was what worked for me.

Please feel free to share your thoughts with me and with each other.

Finding treasure in the darkest places;

Darlene Ouimet

Emerging from Broken on FaceBook

More on Mother Daughter Dysfunctional Relationship ~ there is a discussion in the comments that relates to this post

For those of you who are worried about privacy settings on Facebook, here are the instructions on how to set privacy settings:

Note: PRIVACY CONCERNS on Face Book

On Facebook, Emerging from broken is an open group. If you are concerned about others outside of this group viewing your posts, you can choose who sees your posts by following these links: Account, Privacy Settings, Personal Information and Posts, Posts By Me, then Customize. Choose who sees your posts from there. Please note that this option applies to all your comments, not just those on facebook pages.

For individual wall posts, below the ‘share’ button, there is a ‘filter’ option. If you click on that, you can choose who sees that particular wall post. This only applies to wall posts and not to the discussions or comments.

Categories : Family, Therapy

49 Comments

1

I haven’t wanted my family seeing and/or reading my posts about my struggles with their blatant abuse of me, because any time I try to do something to improve myself, they taunt me, saying “oh, here we go again, another thing you’re going to fail at”. I guess that’s how I protect myself, but it also shows that I am very afraid of them, of their harsh and brutal crticism of me. No, I’m no angel, I left them for ten months with their father, and went to live with a lover. When that relationship crumbled, I came back here to this house that I had left, and shouldered all the disgust and guilt they had to shovel onto me, until I felt that I was buried under it, not able to breathe. I’ve stood up for myself, on a few occasions, only to be met with horrific force and resistance to it. I have lost my standing, in their eyes, to be their mother, the wife, the woman of this house. I am but a domestic helper who is given shelter for the chores I do, and am not to exert any other expectations or entitlements.

2

I have nothing to hide. What you see or read is who I am and what I am about. I don’t hide anything from my family but I also don’t tell them things because there is some stuff that is just for me. My family consists of my kids. And they all know what happened to me except the 5 year old. The older 3 know different amounts about what happened to me. If they have questions I answer them.

3

Rachel,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I did things that I am not proud of in my life. For me, part of my recovery has been about saying that I paid enough and that I was worth more then the way that I had been defined, and worth more then even the way that I defined myself. My transgressions do not define my value. In this blog I write a lot of things about how I took my life back, how I stopped living as though I was deserving of mistreatment. We are all equally valuable. EACH ONE OF US IS and that includes you.
Please share as often as you wish. I am very glad to have you here with us.
Hugs, Darlene

4

This one is easy, Darlene, since I have no close family (or children), and what few close friends I have, know my history. I begged my only sister to be a FB friend, and she flatly refused. That is okay – her choice… maybe there are posts on her FB page that she doesn’t choose to share with me? Hmmmm… I have nothing to hide. Heck, my history of abuse and my truth are all over YouTube, and I am “out” with my C-PTSD and DID to everyone and anyone. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have boundaries… I have CHOSEN to share what I have shared, and am not ashamed of it. Having said that, I do click on the “hide” button occasionally when there is a post on my newsfeed from someone else that is either offensive to me, or is extremely triggering and/or of a sexual nature.

I truly admire you for sharing the parts of your life and healing with others on your blog. I understand that this took amazing courage on your part for finally being able to do this. I am most likely (chronologically) much, much older than you, and I only wish that I had been able to do what you have done when I was as young as you are. Kudos to you!

Susa

5

What a good thought provoking topic Darlene! This is something I wrestled with for months before I actually decided on what to do that was best for me.

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I am going to define my own value from now on? I did want them to know, and I told them, and being the people that they are, I was talked about and maligned and became even more of a black sheep than I was before they knew “why” I was not putting up with their crap anymore. So the total solution for me, was to not share anything with them at all, that way if they dont know, they cant use it against me in the future. So I have my family set on FB to only allow things like photos, so I can show them pictures of the kids and so they can never say I “kept the kids from them” because they are able to see them grow up, just not impact them in a negative way.

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I participate in or read discussions about emotional and psychological abuse? I dont care if they know, but they dont react positively and thats a bigger issue for me than just them knowing about it.

~Why do I use the hide button on some comments and not on others? I have hidden my entire FB wall from my family because of their reactions to my choosing to heal. Other things are just for general privacy, but I have chosen to stop posting on EFB and other “public” blogs with my given name because of employment related issues.

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I am reading a self empowerment blog? I actually want them to know, so they can hopefully look in the mirror and see their part rather than completely denying any wrongdoing and putting all the blame on me, so far it hasnt happened.

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I am finding out that they were wrong about me? I do want them to know, I actually rejoice in the fact that I know it, and want to share it with the world, because it made me feel worthy andvaluable and that it was “my fault” and that feels fantastic!

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I do not belong to them? They don’t own me; or do I still think that they do? This one has been tricky, I never really “belonged” to my family in the first place, and it was in wanting to feel like I was important to them and mattered and was significant, that I allowed them to treat me like they “owned” me and didnt stand up for my own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and values, in the beginning….kinda like kids do in school with the “popular crowd” except it was with my family. But the further away from them I get and the more I learn about what the truth of my experience actually is, the easier this detaching has become. One book that helped me tremendously with this (and no I dont agree with her personal beliefs in any way other than her approach to moving past the bad and focusing on the good in our lives…so dont think I am endorsing her as a person, but I learned a LOT from this book) was by Dr. laura schlessinger and its called “bad childhood, good life” and it deals a LOT with the family dynamics of abuse in adulthood and how to break out of it.

~Why don’t I want my family to know that I have a mind of my own? That I am thinking about forbidden things; that I am going to grow up without permission from them?
I didnt want this for a long time, because I was afraid to be completely rejected, but then I realized that I had been rejected already, for my entire life, and that it was that rejection that started the whole cycle of abuse to begin with, so I saw that no matter what I said, did, felt, thought, chose to do, I was NEVER going to be good enough, and NEVER going to belong, and NEVER going to be loved and accepted like I wanted to, so I had to find my own love, and own acceptance in my life apart from them, and then I didnt care what they thought anymore.

~Why do I feel like or believe that I have to hide my actions?
I dont, screw them.

~In thinking that I am protecting their feelings, why do I worry more about their feelings then I do about my own.
I struggle with this with my husband, with putting his thoughts and feelings in a higher position than I put my own….and its the same fear of rejection, if I dont agree/accept/give in to what he wants/thinks/feels/believes then he wont love me anymore and will leave (in my head I believed this) and only over a period of several years and really sitting down and actually making a list of what I liked/thoguht/felt/believed/expected/desired etc. in the terms that it would have ZERO impact on any other person in the world no matter what I chose to do, what did I FEEL was right for me???? And when I did that, things changed and I began to do what was good for me AND him AND the kids and make my choices and compromises based on what was best for everyone, including ME.

~Why do I question myself and my actions, MORE then I question theirs?
Because after a lifetime of growing up and being told what you do/think/feel/say/believe is not true, you doubt everything about yourself, and the people who are making that your experience have never wavered in their mistreatment or convictions that you were wrong, because to admit their own faults, would undermine their position of power in your life, and cause you to see the lies, and then you would stand up and not let the abuse continue (or get help or whatever you needed to do to get away from that environment…depending on your age and the situation) and sometimes even after you get away from it all, and the lies are more obvious, you still hear the lifetime of “you are wrong/crazy/bad/stupid etc.” and dont always know if you are accurately seeing what you see, so for me, it was ESSENTIAL to have someone outside of myself look at the situation and give me feedback (I had my husband for this) and then after a while, I needed affirmation from someone who was familiar with the dynamics of my environment on a personal level (a family member did this for me) and validation that what I did/am doing was actually a good idea and what they would do in my shoes….and that helped me to not question myself nearly as much as I used to.

The part where the settings come in to play for me, and this is only because I am going to eventually need to have employment in the “real world” is that I was offered a job, and told that I would be hired, and had gone so far as to fill out the tax forms for new hires, and then was not given the job, and I have no idea what changed their mind, and I thought maybe it was because I was so outspoken about my personal life on blogs like these and if my potential employer “googled me” they would find out maybe things that they werent willing to accept in a potential employee, so in order to continue my healing and be honest and forthcoming with what I “really feel” and not hide things, I decided to use a psedonym for my future blog posts and created a new email address as well….and as far as I am able, I try not to post anything that is public with my real name that could adversely affect me or my husband/children, but maybe I am assuming that because of my privacy settings, people cant see things, when they can…I have never verified this to be true, but its possible I have too lax settings on FB even now. So it has nothing to do with my family for me, but only because I have spent nearly a decade detaching myself from them before I ever even began to try and tackle the abuse issues…and was pretty much fed up with them before any of this ever surfaced. The abuse issues were the “straw that broke the camels back” with my family, their negative response allowed me to cut them out without any more consideration….so it was a blessing in that sense.

6

Rachel,

it was a similar situation with my family and also what Darlene mentioned about decided that I was worth enough to myself to let myself heal. I actually asked my mother, when I had the “oh here we go again” conversation with her the last time, “how long do I have to be abused and mistreated by you to “pay” for my mistakes and my lack of perfection?” and she had nothing to say. The answer is “I DONT HAVE TO TAKE IT, not for ONE MORE SECOND” and I havent, not since that day…but it took me 6 years of babysteps in healing and growing and learning about myself and my life before I had the strength to do it and only after my children’s therapist made me realize that by accepting abuse and mistreatment from my family, I was showing my kids that abuse by a “family member” is ok because they are “family” and that they would grow up to think that its ok and accept that from people who “loved them” and that is EXACTLY what I didnt want them to think in their life, so it caused me to do what needed to be done, to protect them, and in turn it protected me too.

(((hugs to you))) and you will do it when you can, I am sure of it 🙂

7

For me, concerns about what to post publicly have had very little to do with family members. My hesitance to post publicly at times has been two-fold:

1. My FB has been for both business and personal. So when it comes to very personal issues, it’s not the best environment for me to share any and all things publicly.

2. I’ve had concerns because I know that predators know exactly where to go to prey on the weak and vulnerable. I’ve learned the hard way that during the healing process, sharing the most vulnerable parts of our inner selves is the equivalent of giving ammo to others if we do not use discretion in what we share. And with who we share it. We are the most vulnerable in the midst of going through a difficult time. Our healing process can be hindered or blown off the tracks if a less then honorable person only uses the information we provide in order to hone in our weaknesses. They now know where to attack. If we are not at a strong place or feeling empowered enough yet on the inside, this can do a great deal of damage to an already fragile and shattered sense of self.

Unfortunately, it’s a very real threat here on the internet. Discretion is important but only we can know and decide for ourselves when and how much to share. And with who.

Yet, if we already have weak boundaries, and many on the healing journey do. Discretion is not something that is very strong yet in a person in the early stages of the healing process.

So on the one hand, it’s GREAT to have such public and open resources. On the other, such openness can come at a price if not careful. 🙁

8

\I always wondered what EFB is? And i did not know i could hide certain things, but i just share what i am comfortable sharing and on this page i can share whatever i want because they cannot see it. My one sister gets on very seldom and my other sister that i spend summers with gets on everyday but she does not notice it. we have talked about it but not as much as my other sister has bec she remembers everything and has told me what happened in my life that i have the big black hole for. i am getting somewhat comfortable emough to just leave that alone and if it comes out it will in its own time. i have a great therapist who never pushes and never puts words in my mouthe and is so encouraging helping me to empower myself. He is so glad i have found support onf fb and by women. so things are getting better for my psychologically i still have lots of physical chronic pain issues from varying injuries i sustained 8n my past not related to abuse.

9

Well I have no contact with my biological family they don’t deserve it but sometimes I refrain from commenting because I am aware that some comments and stories can re victimize someone. I know that from support groups and I know I can be to put it nicely blunt and direct. Some cant handle that and I know everyone is at a difference place in their journey. I had a one long term friend someone I have known for 29 years take me off of their friends list and I think they thought my comments were about them because they are not dealing with their past. But it wasn’t ever about them at all. I have been nothing but supportive of them but it hurts because I invest so much into my friednships.I do realize it is more about where they are in their life and it isn’t about me but it still hurts.
But I can’t change who I am. Or should I say I won’t. However I also do not want to
I love how you say finding treasure in the darkest places. One of my main life verses is Isaiah 45:3-will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

10

me im much like how teresa says it. i may not have worked on some of the deepest issues but the work i have done has given me the awareness and understanding that i have no shame for what was done to me, i have no guilt about speaking out because everyone has the right to express what has happened to them, whether those around them believe them or not is another matter, that how i react to certain things id because after 25 yrs i still havent managed to deal with that problem fully. it has taken alot of years to get here and im hopin that know i know this i can try and let myself feel this. mmm on my timetable and terms ( control issues i know) but i am getting more and more deterimned to do it

11

Hi Teresa, Thanks for sharing
~ Hugs, Darlene

Hi Susa,
Everyone thinks I am “so young”.. but I been around awhile. I was in my mid forties when I found freedom. I felt like my life was over, but I found out differently! whoo hoo. Thanks for sharing, I feel very much like you do.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Amira
Wow, you really went to work on this exercise! Thanks for sharing, this is great work. I especially appreciate your reply to Rachel. Very nicely said.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Tender Hope,
These are good points also. Thanks for sharing your take on this subject.
hugs, Darlene

12

hi Lorraine,
Thank you for sharing your comments and for sharing that things are getting better. That is great news!
Hugs Darlene

Pinky,
Thanks for sharing your point of view also. I am glad to hear that you won’t change who you are! Yahoo
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Carol;
Thanks for sharing on this post. I really does take time and it is a process. YAY for determination! My desire is to cut time off the process by sharing how it worked for me, which cut YEARS off mine.
Hugs, Darlene

13

Darlene, I am not ashamed for my family and friends to know that I participate in discussions, etc. I do not hide my posts from them. I do use the privacy button to hide stuff from friends of friends. I do not believe that everything I say and do should be the whole world’s business. I also have had a negative contact, which I have blocked from me. This person cannot become a friend of any of my friends and access my info that way. There are some things you have to do to protect your safety on face book.

14

I have just been attempting to answer these questions and while thinking about them it struck me that in a healthy family – your feelings could be shared freely without consequence. So does that mean my family does not and did not know how to handle emotions? They did not… I am so afraid of the ‘consequence’ presumed or otherwise that I have been hiding all this time. I haven’t quite fathomed all the reasons, there’s a lot, and not just the reasons I provided myself with so I wouldn’t have to face the everything I’ve not been facing all this time.
Firstly I think I’m scared my honesty about my feelings will result in them being trashed and severely eroded by people’s judgement, especially family but also wider friends of family. I’m in such a fragile place with just me relating to my feelings for the first time that having them throwing their twopence worth in (whether this is my imagined idea of them doing it or them doing it for real) is terrifying, and I’m very afraid it will send me back into denial and back into my original ‘not-coping’ mechanisms.
Secondly, I have practical reasons, but I know that I have a tendency to seize the first practical/believable explanation for my behaviour so long as it keeps someone off my back in the immediate future. And it can be anything – however usually it bears no relationship to the truth – the truth is difficult to explain to myself so how can I explain it to others?
I couldn’t answer this ‘~Why don’t I want my family to know that I am going to define my own value from now on?’… Am I defining my own value? Is that what I’m doing here? I can’t understand this question. Is value something we have to define for ourselves? And also I have value??? I can’t feel that question very well at all because I guess of having low self esteem, like bottom of mid-atlantic ridge low, or maybe lower.
If my family read what I wrote I am frightened they would say ‘It wasn’t real, or it didn’t happen’ and I would have to believe them because their memory must be better than mine, mine is full of ghosts and nightmares, fog and the indefinite. Except for the fact that I have a urethra vaginal fistula I’ve had since I was 11, which apparently only people who’ve suffered brutal rape get or young girls that get married off too early in India… Even though I have that, I question it and think, oh maybe it’s insignificant, and so is my nine years I can’t remember, and so are the very uncomfortable moments I can remember.

So until my own self doubt is less like the ogre it is I’d prefer them not to be able to read anything. I only feel safe disclosing to survivors it seems, even friends are a no go area for me. I am scared as I am writing this. I am frightened of the perceived them in my head. I get so scared right now that sometimes if I’m in the middle of ‘feeling’ staying present etc and someone walks in on me, their energy feels like a knife, or a bulldozer (cherry picker), I can’t handle it at all, and fairly freak out. Is it that when you experience abuse you get more sensitive to the energies of others and anticipate their next move, so we get in this mode of anticipation???
Why do I feel so controlled by my family? Is it that they do and are controlling or that I perceive that they are because my feelings are miswired, my inner circuitry fused once and since then I have it all topsy turvy?

I have such animosity towards my brother for example, all unspoken. And yet I barely remember him as a child, and what I do remember are good moments, when he saved my life etc. Yet I resent him, and he is present in all my decisions and thoughts about my life and he has been a well meaning but judgemental person who never defended me since I can remember. Like they’re all there hovering over my shoulder, pushing and pulling.

Why can’t I feel anger? Is it because my father couldn’t, or my mother frightened(frightens) me with her explosive anger? Why can’t I have feelings in this situation. I have been hiding my actions as long as I can remember because of my intense shame and it’s buried origins. Why are they so present in my head? All the time. And always in a critical way. These people who have been my life for so long and I constantly squashed myself into their shape, into the shape I perceived they wanted, even if it appeared wrong to me… I have sacrificed my own wisdom to fit others ignorance for so long. Really I shouldn’t have to feel I owe them anything and yet I do, I have this misguided sense of loyalty. Why doesn’t my brother have this? He is living his own life…
When do I get to live my own life? I don’t know why I question my actions more than theirs.

15

I only realised I had the fistula when I was eleven, it’s likely I had it longer

16

And I didn’t know what it was called until like recently

17

And I didn’t know what it was called until it struck me to finally find out what it was

18

And now I am an emotional furball I think

19

Hi Louise

Wow, this is what I was getting at. Yes ~ in a healthy family feelings COULD be shared freely without consequences. You would not believe the freedom in my family. My kids (all teenagers) TEXT me and they tell me stuff that people can’t believe they tell me. My husband reads and comments on my blog. I have shared about when he didn’t treat me with equal value and when he acted like I was just around to make his life easier. And he shares how much happier he is now.
You have really done some deep work in here. I could write a blog post to answer your comment, but I am just going to make a few points for now;
~the truth was very difficult for me too, it takes time but it does come.
~ one of the biggest benefits of this whole process was that I got to define my own value and identity. For the first time in my life, I realized that THEY do not get to say who I AM or what I feel. And my value is EQUAL to everyone else on earth. YES you have value! A great deal of value. My self esteem was in the depths of the ocean too, but it isn’t anymore. I had all those fears you talk about too and this exercise is about realizing that… and realizing that the fears are not based in truth. That they would say we are lying. But we are not. And deep deep down, I knew that I knew. I had to begin to believe in me, and questions like this are what helped me to do that.

As I said before, I am not encouraging anyone to feel more comfortable being transparent on facebook. That is the farthest thing from what I am doing with this post. I am only trying to get others to see thinks through different eyes.
To answer one question ~ survivors of ANY and ALL abuse become very good at anticipating moods of others, looks, actions, all of it in an effort to survive. Believing that if we can be agreeable, be compliant and loving, do things how they want, that we will be safe. This becomes our way of life.
We are taught not to feel emotion. We are taught and trained not to FEEL and so often when we do feel we are told we are wrong.
This is wonderful work Louise! It is inspiring. Keep hanging in here and thank you for sharing!

Hugs, Darlene

20

Hmm. I have not wanted the only other family member who is on FB, besides my dau. to see this blog in particular because I don’t want her to see what I have written about her mother- and her- and my mother-in several posts. These are intense posts. I have thought about this several times and now wish I had had a more private venue to hash out my feelings and experiences with them. That’s about as deep as it goes.Privacy.

21

Louise–you said “If my family read what I wrote I am frightened they would say ‘It wasn’t real, or it didn’t happen’ and I would have to believe them because their memory must be better than mine, mine is full of ghosts and nightmares, fog and the indefinite.”

I can relate to that 100,000% That exact thing is what kept me quiet about my decades of abuse, and questioning every single day if it was “real” or if I was “imagining it”, and only after coming here to EFB and having my almost exact experiences validated in words, by Darlene and Susan from “The Journey” (another great blog) and by my therapist and my kids therapist and then I even needed another family member to validate them after I was strong enough to accept that maybe I was indeed wrong in some of it, to just kind of keep me from ending up “exaggerating the truth” because I was so afraid of being wrong and hurting people and doing anything that would damage anyone, completely unaware that THOSE EXACT thoughts alone, verified the extent of the abuse in my psyche, and then one day, I think it was my husband that said it, he said…”it doesnt matter if you remember it, it doesnt matter if you know all the details or who said what and who did what and why and how and when and where, that doesnt matter, what matters is how you FEEL it affected you, because even if one single remark was all that happened, if you are emotionally devastated from it, then THAT is real and THAT matters” and that was a good enough reason for me….but then I still thought to myself (again its the abuse talking here and not reality) “well I was only abused by strangers, thats not my family’s fault, I cant blame them for mistreating me” but then I start thinking rationally again and my rational mind says, “its their neglect and indifference and lack of interest in you and your life that allowed those strangers to be able to abuse you and for you to not feel safe enough to tell anyone because you knew you wouldnt be believed or heard” and I KNOW that THAT is REAL, and when I did finally disclose just ONE small part of the abuse, I got no sympathy, no encouragement, nothing from the people who were “supposed to love me unconditionally” which made me see the abuse all the more clearly…but it took me 20 years before I was even ready to face any of it at all.

I accepted the labels of “bipolar” and “personality disorders” because they verified my beliefs (that seem like what you are saying, to me) that I was “making it up” and it was “all in my head” but then I realized that I had never told any of those doctors about my abuse history either and when I FINALLY broke it all down on paper (which was about 10 years after my first appointment with a psychiatrist and 6 years of consistently trying medications and keeping track of symptoms) and handed it to a new psychiatrist, I got a diagnosis of PTSD…period. No personality disorders, no chemical imbalances, none of that psychiatrist talk for “we arent sure how to fix you so try this” (not saying that those illnesses are not real and valid diagnoses for some individuals, but for me it wasnt the case…it was just that I didnt think they would believe and accept what I “felt” was real, and I didnt feel I was worth fighting for in the first place, so that step was too much for me, until I had no questions about that all the different treatments I tried (medications etc.) DID NOT WORK and only made things worse for me emotionally, and my therapist who I had been seeing for 9 months (and never mentioned my abuse) finally asked me point blank and I felt safe enough to tell her and have her not laugh in my face, even if I was making it up (I still wasnt sure) and then SHE was the person who said “have you ever told this to a doctor? have they ever talked to you about PTSD?” and since she is a therapist that specializes in PTSD/sexual abuse trauma (totally by chance did she become my therapist, she just happened to be the only one available when I had an appointment, but it has definitely been a Godsend for me) I knew she must know something I dont, and then a couple of days later I was hospitalized AGAIN, and this time I knew it had something to do with my past, because before talking to her that day, I was fine emotionally, but in talking about my abuse to her, my emotions couldnt take anymore, and I snapped….and then was hospitalized for it a couple of days later. So THAT is when I spoke up about the abuse, and told everyone, everything. I had been married for almost five years, and my husband DID NOT KNOW, and even YESTERDAY did he learn that my “promisicuity” was a fearful coping mechanism (only because I just realized it after something I read on one of these blog posts and connected to myself because of a comment by someone else) because I was afraid to say no because I figured I would be raped if I didnt comply with whoever wanted sex from me, so I just never said no, and then I could rationalize away that it was “my choice” to have sex with every man that ever asked me, and blame myself for being a slut, rather than focus on why I had that fear and how to change that part of myself (he had originally thought that I just lacked the self control to say no…which was NOT the case at all)

So sometimes its the messages from the abuse that we internalize that keep us locked in that abuse far longer than the abuse actually occured…and if I understand it correctly, that is Darlene’s main purpose in having this blog and these discussions to begin with. I have been here going on 6 months or so, and have grown tremendously in that time because of the validation of my feelings, thoughts and exeperiences by other abuse survivors and people who have no reason to sugar coat the truth and lie to me, so I trust them, which is not the same for people in my everyday life.

So there is hope, and it will change, but it takes time and its a process and YOU ARE WORTH IT! Just remember that 🙂

((((hugs))))

22

Louise,

I couldn’t have said it better myself. I don’t yet feel strong enough in my “truth” to be firm in my boundaries…particularly with my mother. I don’t want to hurt her, but more importantly, I don’t want her to steal my recovery. If she becomes active on this page, I would have to leave it. I know her own pain would be what motivates her (probably) and her own need for connection, but I’ve been taking care of those needs my whole life. It’s time for me to have something that’s just mine…that I don’t share with her.

Besides, it’s NONE OF HER BUSINESS. It’s not about her…it’s about me. And if given half a chance, she would make it about her. There’s no doubt in my mind.

Until I feel stronger in who I really am, I will keep my cards close to the vest.

23

I also think this is an important topic. When it did happen to me (that my mom saw one of my posts and e-mailed me about it), I had to think about all kinds of things I didn’t think I was ready to think about. And this post made me think some more. No, I’m not ready to share everything with my family. But I think that as I continue to recover, I will become stronger and while I may not “seek out” a confrontation with them any time soon, I may not feel like I need to hide from it.

24

Great post Darlene, and some very thought provoking questions. I’ve decided, after years of living in fear that there is nothing that my family can do to punish me for telling my truth. They have shown a gross indifference to me and the family I have built. I started blogging my healing journey and there were times right before I hit ‘publish’ that I would be shaking and thinking, “nah leave it in drafts” but I haven’t.

I’d like to bring another side to this post, if I may, because it is one reason I don’t post on my Facebook about somethings as openly as others. It is simply this: I’ve built a new life and while I don’t hide that I’m survivor, and would answer questions if they were asked by family or friends here in my new life, I do have a desire for them to see me as I am now. Not as I was then. I don’t want to drag them through things that wouldn’t be fair to expect them to understand. I don’t want their sympathy, and I don’t want them to look at me and see what I was or where I came from more than what I am now, where I am now.

My blog lets them choose to read, or not. My posts and sharing of posts lets them choose to read, or not. I remember clicking ‘like’ to “My Parents Are Dead to Me” by Christina E, and right away a distant cousin messages me in a panic. What could I mean by liking a post like that! To avoid a fight that never came, to avoid questions that never came, I unliked it and felt so badly about that. I let my fear shame me and I hated that feeling – it was like bile in my throat.

I love my family that I have built, this is my life. If someone asks I’ll answer but there are times when I choose to reveal less on a public forum than more. No one can take this journey away from me. But I can decide how much of the previous programs I share while we move forward. 🙂

25

I think we should be careful with putting everything ‘out there’ for the whole world to see; not because of shame but because a lot of people do not understand and there are many predators out there and all depending on where we are on our journey of recovery, we might be more or less susceptible to someone looking for a ‘victim.’ I also think that when it has been difficult setting boundaries, we might think we need to ‘share everything with everyone’ which we certainly don’t – it does not indicate shame, but rather being careful and protecting yourself (which is healthy) – because the world is full of sick people.

For me, personally, I use facebook mostly to discuss political subjects/activism and even though I also have family and ‘real’ friends on here, most of the people are relative strangers, and my personal life is none of their business. Another things is – altogether, when I speak about these things in other discussions (not necessarily fora like this where it is the main subject) I speak in principles and general ways; because again – it’s not necessary for me to turn my insides out and use myself as an example; because the symptoms we all deal with are the same more or less.

This was a bit long – I read what you wrote about not wanting anyone to think that you, Darlene, think everyone should just blurt it all out in public, but I think this discussion is great – because these are things we need to talk about aswell; your discussions are always great!

Peace,
Anne

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Hi Linda P.
I agree with you ~ I do not think that the whole world needs to know what I say on FB either and I also have settings that ensure only my contacts can see my profile page. (the EFB facebook page is public but I don’t put certain things on that page.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Amira
Your husband is SO right and it was that realization that helped me so much too. I don’t remember every detail (and still have huge gaps in my memories) but that doesn’t matter anymore. I had only used three memories of abuse in the process when I began to fly in my recovery. ONLY three. ~ I started seeing how my belief system formed that fast. In the past I was only looking at details of abuse, not about what I believed because of it, so I was always looking for details. When I talked to my mother about those things the same thing happened ~ no support or encouragement.. in fact when I think about it today she reacted in fear. A self centered sort of fear actually. I felt discounted, a feeling that I was used to feeling.
You have understood my intention with Emerging from Broken correctly.
Thank you for your encouragement and for the history you have shared today!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Elizabeth,
I really understand that Elizabeth! This is intense stuff ~ that is for sure and you have shared a lot. I really didn’t intend to make anyone feel insecure when I wrote this post! About a more private venue, I am working on a private membership site for EFB that will be behind a log in. I have not talked about it much because I am not sure when I will be able to launch it ~it is a lot of work to build it, but it is coming. I will keep you posted!
Hugs, Darlene

27

Gotta watch out for sneaky controllers…all we need to do is be aware of what we are doing (or hiding), be confident in what we are doing (or hiding) and know that we don’t need to explain anything to anyone…We need to make the best decisions for ourself realizing what our decision is and that it is not our only option. We do not need to explain anything we do (or don’t do) to ourself or anyone else…we do it because we do because it works for that moment…because we choose to and we can change what we do whenever we want. Sometimes we do, or hide what we do, for a reason…because we are not ready yet. The most important thing I realized is that I have to be comfortable with what I share…if I decide that I should not hide something when I really would prefer to only because someone else thinks (or I think they think) that I am wimpy or hiding…that is not my problem. When we are ready, we might do something differently. That said, I hide very little…but I used to hide everything. One day I was ready not to hide and I stopped. One day I got sick of hearing from certain family members their “concerns” over what I was posting…and I blocked them. Not because I am hiding, but because I am sick and tired of hearing from them about what I have to say…I bet that’s killing them…or more likely I bet they have created other ways to find out…but again, not my problem. If I have to start hearing about it again…I’ll get rid of them again 🙂

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Hi Lisa,
These are very good point. Until I felt strong enough in my truth I could not be firm in my boundaries with anyone, not my kids or my husband or any of my family. I never wanted to hurt my family either and what I realized was that I was discounting myself in order to protect them. It was only after a long time of realizing that, and of course when my family constantly tried to drag me back down that I really drew those boundaries firm. I remember telling my brother and my mother both that this was about ME and that I could talk about my life to whoever I wanted and they were shocked… like how could I think that? It seems crazy to me now.
Thanks Lisa, as always you have great insights to add.
oh and also Lisa ~ I never “sought out” a confrontation. Believe it or not, I am not confrontational in the least! The difference for me was that I finally started standing up for myself when THEY confronted me. Scary stuff, but there is freedom on the other side!
Hugs, Darlene

Everyone ~ If I had been on facebook during my process, I would have gotten a second identity. In no way was I suggesting that any of the readers here should be more confident about sharing private info on facebook and in no way was I trying to encourage anyone to be less private!

Hi Shanyn,
You are so right. My family can’t punish me for me (anymore, because they really got to me before) for telling my truth either. Thanks for sharing your views. All of this is very individual and very important. I remember when I started to realize that I had a choice that was mine. I was always looking for ways to do thing that EVERYONE would approve of. Today I know that there are hundreds of ways to do things and that each of us has our own choice. This isn’t about right and wrong.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Anne,
You make good points too! These are all important things to keep in mind. Very important things. I have a facebook button on this blog that leads to my profile page. (because many people will not join the fan page for fear of being discovered by family or friends ~ which I understand) but sometimes I get a friend request with no note about where this person came from. I don’t add those people. I have had several inappropriate emails in Facebook and a problem with an ex boyfriend from years and years ago. Those things need to be considered!! This is healthy as you say!
Thank you for being here Anne and for your encouragement,
Hugs, Darlene

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What I was meaning to relay about sneaky controllers is when we allow us to feel like our behavior is controlled by someone else by choosing to do what we think (or maybe even what they told us) they would like us to do…or that we think they will think of us or treat us in a certain way that we don’t want if we do or don’t do something the way they want, or the way they think we want.

30

@Amira What your husband said was amazing. I am only just recognising that myself! And thank you for the encouragement
”it doesnt matter if you remember it, it doesnt matter if you know all the details or who said what and who did what and why and how and when and where, that doesnt matter, what matters is how you FEEL it affected you, because even if one single remark was all that happened, if you are emotionally devastated from it, then THAT is real and THAT matters’
@Lisa B Yes the stealing recovery thing, or stealing our thunder is something I am only just recognising too in my relationship with ma, I think it’s unintentional but it disvalues my realisations, or my joyful thing I share, it’s like some kind of crazy one up manship, because her self esteem has also suffered, so then it becomes a battle for me to find and maintain my own sense of self worth. Yes, I have been given support and encouragement but it’s odd in that it makes me and my own sense of self feel less, not more. I have never understood that, it’s something to do with the fact that I get encouragement towards the idea they have of me in their heads, and have no idea what I idea I have of me and I assume they’re right. How do they know? Just because I showed I was good at something does not mean I should do that forever? What about what I enjoy? My dad once did a great thing for me in that he bought me an axe for my birthday lol! It was my best birthday present ever because it wasn’t nail polish or dresses, he’d thought about what I’d like, not his idea of what I’d like but what I’d like! Amazing and a long time in coming. I’m an outdoor wilderness instructor hence the axe!
Why don’t we feel strong in ourselves, and why do we overcompensate by trying to be what others want or we think they want? Why do they know what they want and have no qualms about heading off on their own? Is that a man thing? I notice a lot of guys are more self directed than women because they’ve been allowed to do whatever they want for like ever. So is our weakness compounded by that too?

@darlene Thank you – Thank you for this post!

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WOW! Great questions, Darlene … food for thought! I’m going to really think about these questions and then answer them …

I read a few comments, but not all yet, and have to say …

One of Amira’s comments to Louise I could totally relate to! When she said, ““how long do I have to be abused and mistreated by you to “pay” for my mistakes and my lack of perfection?” and she had nothing to say,” I could totally relate – of course I asked my mother this question in a different way but the message was the same – and like her mother, I got no response, she said nothing. I just got a blank/shocked look. Like Amira – I did NOT want my kid’s witnessing their grandmother abuse their mother – what would that teach my kids. It might teach them that dishing out abuse is okay or that taking abuse is okay – in NO WAY did I want to pass that onto my kids!!!!! I teach them to stick up for themselves and to recognize their self worth!! No one, NO ONE, is worth being a doormat for – NO ONE!

I teach my kids to gauge someone by their characters and not the words they say – their character will reveal who they REALLY are. I teach them to avoid people who are of not only very poor character, but people who manipulate and guilt you into things. I teach them that people who treat them this way ARE NOT FRIENDS – they are USERS and possibly ABUSERS. Living your life with toxic people is a waste of time and energy – they just suck the life out of you.

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I recently shut down my IRL facebook for a time, not because I wasn’t being myself, but because of the emotional exhaustion that came from trying to communicate with “concerned” family members that challenged pretty much everything I ever wrote or posted or linked. I found myself getting depleted from trying to be civil with them, so I quit for now.

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Hi Wendi,
I LOVE your comments. YES we do what is best for ourselves. That is recovery. That is what this whole blog is about; finding out what is best for ourselves, not according to what we believed before, or by what others decide for us, but finding out the truth about all that NOW. I have things that I want to share, that I am ready to share (yes there is a lot more everyone) but I am not willing to do that even in this blog ~ so I am going to do that behind the log in when I get this private membership site launched. There are things that I don’t want totally public yet. There are things that I don’t want my kids to read ~ EVER, no matter how old they are. I also do what is best for me today.
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Louise
I can only answer your questions from my own experience. The fact is that others DON’T know what is right for me and they can’t decide who I am or how I feel. I didn’t know that I could be safe being me. When I was a child and because of the things that happened to me, I concluded that I was not safe to make my own decisions because I was met with such disapproval. I have also learned not to judge my insides by someone else’s outsides. I don’t think that many people actually do go off and do exactly what they want. I have met hugely “successful people” who tell me that they HATE what they do. But they were expected to do it. They didn’t think about choice either. Men too. Lots of people.
This whole thing is not a female problem, as much as it is a system problem.
I might write a blog post about this whole thing!
Hugs, Darlene

34

As always Darlene; a thought provoking and powerful post! This is a really vital set of questions; in the beginning….I was afraid of my family. I was terrified to have a thought, feeling or make a choice without their approval. I was as a small child seeking the approval of my family that would guide me and tell me I was ok, that I was doing it right, that I was on the right track. Only I wasn’t a small child. I was an adult, terrified of being attacked by my family. I felt such deep deep shame for even existing. In that past, I would have never been on facebook because I was criticized for even making that kind of decision. It was as though “I” did not exist.

Since that time I still protect myself online from my family; but not because I’m afraid of them. Because I don’t share my truth with anyone I know cannot validate or support my choices. I now know that I can choose to share what I wish. I also know I can choose what and who to let into my world, I can choose when to let them in. I can choose when I no longer want them in my personal space. Today, my family is not invited into my new world because they still cant accept me in my RT world. They don’t honer me. They don’t value my thoughts, my feelings or my choices. So I have, like you with your mother, simply let them go about their business and I go about mine.

The thing is – this process of learning how to separate myself from my toxic family was scary. It took baby steps of practicing valuing myself in other relationships to be able to decide I no longer had to subject myself to the abuse of my family. So today I protect myself from their abuse because I know I don’t have to share my life with those who will use my disclosure to abuse me where in the past I was protecting myself from their abuse because I still believed it was ok to be abused and I was still ducking and running. Does this make any sense?

PS Amira; thank you for your kind note!

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Hi Paulette,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I realized that too with my kids.. what kind of an example was I being to them? Did I want to teach them that the way things were between myself and other people was the right way to have a relationship?? No way.
Thanks for being here!

Hi Young Mom
It is exhausting to constantly be having to explain and justify oneself. That is for sure and something we often talk about in EFB.
Thank you for sharing!

Hi Susan
Everything you say makes sense! This is a wonderful contribution to my article. You reminded me of one of my sisters; She told my son who had started a FB fan page for his band, that facebook sucked, and that he shouldn’t bother with it …. bla bla bla,, you get the picture. Of course she is on facebook herself. Anyway, I digress…
about YOUR comment ~
I LOVE IT~ I have nothing to add. =)
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene
p.s to the other readers, Susan has the blog ” A Journey” that Amira was mentioning in her comment and Susan also guest posts for Emerging from Broken. Click on Susan’s name in the comment box to visit her blog!

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Hi Darlene,

I think that the most difficult part of setting boundaries with family, is that they are so conditioned to having a family member who is their own personal: “shoulder to cry on”, baby sitter, therapist, medic (boo-boo fixer), protector, empathizer, and all round doormat. They have learned to rely on this person (moi) for years and years, and when I first started setting boundaries with sister, she had a violent reaction… I have DID, and our “empath part” is named Tress. This is the part of me who is 13 years older than sister, and protected her from abuse for the years before we left for college. Sister grew up calling me that, and after she sensed that I, Susa, was starting to set boundaries for all of the parts of me, she expressed her displeasure, and made it crystal clear, that she wanter her Tress back. We are in and out of communication now, (mostly out), but that is her choice. I will stand by my new boundaries, and she can either respect them, and give me the validation that I never got, or she can live her life without me (as painful as that is for me since she is my only bio relative). This is extremely difficult, but it is something that I finally HAVE to do for ME! For once, something for me, and for all of the parts of me!

Susa

37

Well, I have to chime in on this one! First of all – GREAT post and I have to say, it hits home!
I can’t say that I have the problem with anyone of Facebook etc., because I have finally deleted those who aren’t supportive from my life, however, there was one point when I was so unbelievably cautious of my actions, activity and words spoken. This fear was there LONG before Facebook, but its a great example. I used to avoid reading/joining/discussing ANYTHING abuse related in fear someone would see it and question me. Whenever I went to post something, such as a status, I caught myself removing it before anyone had the chance to see it. I would think “OMG – what’s my mom going to think of this?” Or “This person doesn’t like this, so I can’t say it”.. As I said, this was all there before Facebook – I’ve always been cautious of what I say, or my actions. I was robbed the right to be unique, and cast in silence of a murky past.
I was never told “don’t you talk about those things” it was just a given – no words needed to imply those rules.
I have finally “blossomed” into an outspoken, yet caring person. With people in “real life”, if I can’t talk to them without them passing judgment, then I don’t bother. It stings to let some people go, but hurts to much to be forced into the life of a pre-programed robot. For those on Facebook – its my page, my rules.. If they don’t like it – they know where the delete button is, just as well as I do.
Life is too short to walk in the shadows of others, walk in fear of others opinions, beliefs and truths.
Its taken a long while to finally view things this way – but its the only way for me to preserve what’s left of me..
Marg

38

Lol! Boy do I hear that Darlene! The constant criticizing of any thought feeling or choice. It was as though I was literally afraid to breathe! When I started looking at the root cause of this fear in my every day life – it really was all about having permission to exist; to have the power to say yes, no, I like or don’t like this. The power to decide what my life would be like. My first memory is of my father telling me how when I cried they would “throw” me in the back seat of the car and drive around until I stopped crying and went to sleep (out of exhaustion I’m guessing…) From the very beginning I had no value to him other than what he could take from me. I was not allowed to express my feelings or needs from early on and was punished for doing so. I did not exist as an individual. I was raised to be powerless and wait for permission to do anything, to tolerate being treated as “less than”. Like you – I am loving my new life and often find myself literally dancing in joy at my new freedom! Thanks Darlene!

39

Oh dear…. I forgot to add the whole point of my post – I don’t care if my only family member finds this blog, or any blog or FB I’ve posted on, and reads our posts because for once, I am standing strong in my convictions, and finally being ME… the TRUE ME (or a combination of MEs working together). (Okay, these legs are still a bit wobbly… this is new!)

Susa

40

I wanted to add that its not a fair question to ask why we might conceal our thoughts and recovery from other people on FB. That’s like asking ‘why don’t you invite you abuser into your counsellor’s office with you?’ Not quite the same but….similar.

What we reveal, and say about our feelings is OURS; those belong to US. WE have the right to say who we want to read our thoughts and who doesn’t. That is a big boundary issue.

Revealing things to abusive family or people is not a measure of ‘recovery’; it’s a very individual decision based on circumstances and our own knowledge of what is safe for us individually.

Our lives and pain are not a book to be published and viewed by people who either abused us, abetted the abusers, or stood by and did nothing; or for for curious looky loos.

Its just not a relevant question.

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At Amira, WOW! I can so relate to what you have written. (Esp your first post).
I don’t have many family members on FB and some of the ones that are on, well, I just post. I’m not one to write a lot of personal stuff on my page. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that one sister has not been to happy with me because I will do something and let a post or picture be sufficient without having to explain myself to her first. For example when I first started wearing pants I did not call and tell her that. I let a picture of me be posted on FB where I was wearing pants. I decided that I am not accountable to her that I have to tell her every change I make and thing I do. As my foster mom said about her – grow up!
@ Louise, I can so relate. About your question on anger – give it some time. In my situation, to protect myself I worked on hiding my emotion. And in time, I didn’t even feel emotion. After we left, my foster parents worked to get me to show my emotion, but it took time. I was so ashamed of my emotions. I still tend to be a more inward-directed emotional person. I will take emotion out by hurting myself. To this day, Pastor is still working with me to let the tears inside me flow and to express the emotion (anger, hurt, joy, etc) verbally and with expression.
One way to let anger out is when something comes up (for me it was my real mom’s letting my bio dad do what he wanted with me and not standing up for me.) stop and say to yourself “how does this make me feel?” With time you will be able to feel and identify your emotions. I felt hurt, betrayed, angry at my mom. Learning to identify and feel my emotions is a large part of who I am right now. That is where I am in my healing. There is hope and healing! And as I am still learning about myself – YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

42

Elizabeth,
You are right in all things that you have said in this comment. It seems that you think that the purpose of this post was to challenge the readers to be more public about their process. These questions are about how I went inside of my own belief system and realized WHY I was afraid to stand up to certain people in my own life. This is about the realizations ~ NOT about sharing them with the very people who caused me all the pain and who devalued me.
Realizing that some of you have misunderstood this post makes me feel sick to my stomach because I would never want to ADD to the pain of this whole process; I would never suggest that revealing things to abusive family is a measure of recovery.
Elizabeth you have been such a huge part of EFB ~ you have done so much work here. You know the way that I write, the way that I challenge even my own thinking. Asking the question why we might conceal our thoughts and recovery from people on FaceBook was a question designed to make you think ~ not to make you reveal to abusers or let your guard down. I asked myself these questions to get in touch with my beliefs.
like this: Q ~why would I hide the recovery pages that I am commenting on in facebook?
A~ because my family has always said I was crazy and I am not going to give them any more validation about that fact. And that led me to think about all the things my family did and said to keep me thinking that I was crazy. That led me to think about why I believed my family.
AND I could list a whole lot of other answers that helped me to realize what I was feeling deep down. I should have written the post that way but I didn’t think of it at the time. I did not think that these questions would be taken as a challenge to the way that people do facebook.
I hope that this makes things a bit more clear. I am so sorry that I have offended you Elizabeth. It was never my intention.
Hugs, Darlene

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Susa,
You bring up a very important part of this whole topic. Thank you for posting! I thought I was somewhat of a “black sheep” in my family. In recovery, I realized that I was much more then that ~ I was the fall guy, the care taker, and all those other things you mentioned and the worst part was that although I did all those things, I still wasn’t good enough.
YAY about being the real YOU! That is a freedom I have found that I wouldn’t part with for anything!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Marg,
I related to everything you said. I used to hide the books I was reading if my mother was over.
No words were needed in my case either.
As you say, it is the same thing in fact I think that your examples are actually better then the ones I used about facebook.
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Kia
I like your pants example. That reminds me of so many things that happened to me. My grandmother would tell me that she didn’t like a haircut or she didn’t like my lipstick… and it would just devastate me. My sister in law told me once that her and her boyfriend didn’t like my 2 year old son’s haircut. It bothered me deeply. Today I say “that’s your problem” It shocked my family when I started not caring about their opinions about MY choices. I could write a whole blog post about this…
Thanks for being here.
Hugs, Darlene

44

Darlene,
Nope. You have NOT offended me. LOL.

Its a series of questions that are an intrinsic part of the healing process, I think, but the answers might not be what you think;

In the end those answers that can only be decided by each individual. Each individual must decide what those kinds of questions mean to him/her and also what the answers mean, or might mean.

I’m quite clear on what my process is in not posting and making things so accessable and public on FB.Not that there are that many people who have access to it. However, there was a time pre FB, I thought no one was observing me and my family, or my process of recovery, and there WAS a great deal going on behind the scenes involving people violating MANY boundaries.I would take a stand, and the ante would go up regarding my daughter with certain people.It happens.

There are retaliatory people in this world.

There are reasons and choices about who we let in to our lives and recovery. Our reasons don’t have to make sense to anyone else.

Great blog! Thanks for all the work you do, Darlene!

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Elizabeth,
Yes! that is exactly what I think ~ that they are individual and unique to each person. My writing is about asking for that… asking each person to dig for those individual answers. and knowing that those answers don’t have to make sense to anyone else ~ that is empowerment!
I have had many “information mongers” in my life too. People (and lots of family) that only want to know what I am doing in order to use it against me. To gossip, to tear me down. And as you say, there are consequences. I have huge realizations of how losing my children could have been part of the consequences for me too.
I have learned a lot from writing this blog post and from getting all the feedback. I would not write anything quite this way again.. LOL Next time I will answer the questions as I write them and not leave it so open ended.
Thank you so much for being a big part of this discussion.
Hugs, Darlene

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I have myself hid when people do a search they cannot find me unless they are on my friends list. cause of my mom who adopted me threatened my life back in 01 and I moved to another state. I don’t say where I am from on fb.. I don’t think she knows or earned how to use a computer she was not into it before. I know i have my website out but it has been out before she threatened me she never new it was out. She does not know my last name now so I put the rest in Gods hands and just live life as well and joyful as I can. Thanks for having this discussion.. Hugs

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Angela,
It is very important to keep ourselves safe, thank you for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene

48

There’s a reason besides the fact that I don’t want my family to hear that I won’t talk on Facebook.
About a year ago, I discovered that one of my supervisors was looking up personal information about his employees and using the knowledge against them.
I found out by accident and, to this day, he has no idea I even found out.
I think it’s slightly deranged to be looking up information about your employees after hours, especially when it has nothing to do w/ the job.
The man thinks women have no business working in Emergency Medicine, and he’s been getting rid of them all by finding information online and then using it against them.
Talk about an insecure man. He’s the damn epitome of one.

49

Darlene,

These are great questions. You have provided some food for thought.

Thanks!
Kellie

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