Oct
26

Emotional Healing & Will to Go Forward

By
going forward in recovery
the will to go forward on a snow blocked road

I understand wanting to give up. I understand what it feels like to lose hope and I am very familiar with that sinking feeling that there is no way out of the darkness, the depressions, and oppression. I remember feeling hopeless and believing that trying harder or even trying at all anymore, was just pointless. I was too tired of the fight. I didn’t see any way over it or even through it anymore.

And now that I am on the other side of all that, I realize why I felt that way. I know why I almost gave up my life and home, my husband and children and the will to live.

Although there are many factors that contribute to coming to a place of hopelessness, in this blog post I am only going to talk about the loss of my identity and the loss of my choice.

I had already lost my identity when I was still very young. By the time I was in my thirties I was finally convinced that I wasn’t worth saving. It wasn’t hard to convince myself of this because it was more like I just “agreed” with the opinions I had grown up with. I had been told in actions and in the reactions of others that I wasn’t really worth saving. Patty Hite from the website Overcoming Sexual Abuse just wrote a really insightful and excellent blog post about how she learned about her value. This post gives some foundation to the statement I just made.

There are some foundational reasons why I came to this drastic conclusion. It wasn’t that I had given up my identity. It was taken from me. I had slowly and over time been defined by other people. I felt as though I wasn’t worth the air I breathed, because when other people define you, THEY teach you that the real you isn’t worth anything.  That is the message that I got every time I did something I was told I was “wrong” “bad” or when I got that look of disapproval. That is the message I got when I was told that I was exaggerating or lying, and when I was told that what was happening to me WASN’T happening to me. That is the message that I got when I was not taken care of properly. That message is that I wasn’t worth it and that I didn’t matter. My identity was not approved of; I was invalid.

 It wasn’t that I had given up my choice either; it was taken from me. I didn’t DO something to be defined as unworthy; something was done to me FIRST ~ way before I ever added my own crimes to that list. But as soon as I added something that is viewed by the world as a “choice I made” (drug use, alcohol addiction, sleeping with a boy, swearing, stealing, hitting someone even if that was in self defence) I instantly believed every unworthy statement that had ever been assigned to me by someone else. 

No one encouraged me or empowered me to be myself.  I realized as an adult that I had a choice BUT it took me a long time to realize that I had a choice, because nothing was ever about ME growing up. When we grow up with all the decisions being made based on the motives of others, we don’t realize that we have a choice of our own in life. It wasn’t my fault or my defect that when I was an adult I didn’t know I had a choice. I was a product of my environment. A lot of my recovery was about realizing the sequence of events and the foundation that was set for me to arrive in the mess of emotions and confusion that I was in.

Eventually I did realize that I had a choice; I could give up or I could decide to empower myself. I could make a difference in my own life. I could choose to stop believing that I was unworthy. It was just a small decision at first but I got a glimpse of how I could change my own life and I chose yes. I decided that I was worth it. I made that decision on my own. I decided to take my life back. I decided to go on the journey. I picked ME.  That was the first choice I made on this new path that had nothing to do with anyone else’s definition of me, or with someone else’s motives.

(And then the real work started… and there are lots of other blog posts about that!) .

So what do you think? Did your identity get squished along the way? Can you see the value in taking your life back and redefining yourself?  

Darlene Ouimet

Related posts ~ the little girl who cried wolf and belief system development

                               Self worth ~ Where does it come from?

                              Understanding Victim Mentality ~ a key to freedom

Categories : Freedom & Wholeness

38 Comments

1

I definitely grew up believing that I wasn’t worth anything because I wasn’t worth taking care of. I was raped at the age of eleven by two men because I wasn’t properly being taken care of. My voice was never heard, and as long as I didn’t bother anyone or create waves, I was “good.” That message led me to begin wearing a mask to cover up my feelings because I was never allowed to have any. I was never allowed to show anger or sadness without meeting disapproval. I lost myself in the process. After years of numbing my feelings with alcohol abuse and an eating disorder,and two suicide attempts, I’m just now beginning to heal. It is painful, and there are many days that I’m not sure I will make it through to the other side, but I keep trying because I have a wonderful husband and children that make this life worth living.

2

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Darlene Ouimet and Beatriz Atenciano, Splinteredones. Splinteredones said: RT @DarleneOuimet: New blog post: Emotional Healing & Will to Go Forward http://emergingfrombroken.com/emotional-healing-will-to-go-forward/ […]

3

As far back as I can remember I never spoke up or stood up for myself, i had been attacked by a few different men and when I let my mother know she took care of it for me. I was married at a young age and my husband treated me like his slave and his child at the same time and he forced me to do sexual things I didn’t want to do and he also raped me. I have always felt unworthy and just felt I never fit in anywhere and sad to say I still feel like I don’t fit in anywhere or with anyone.I have been blamed for everything that ever went wrong and so I have taken on blame and guilt for everything happy when everyone was happy with me and sad and depressed when or if someone was upset with me. I am now going thru Wanda’s book and it is helping me to repeat the word of God instead of all the lies I have heard in my head. I am also realizing that I am not who I was created to be I am what everyone wants me to be and I am mad as hell.

4

All I can say to this post is “Wow”!!! You nailed it! Every word spoke to my need and described exactly the way I have perceived myself all of my life! I thank the good Lord for this site! In so many ways, I feel as though you have saved my life. Thank you so very much!!!

5

Hi Angela
I am sorry that this horror happened to you at such a tender age. My goodness.. it never get easier to hear this stuff but it is so healing to know that there are others, and that we can get over this stuff! I am so glad that you are beginning to heal. It really does hurt to go forward, because we have to face what we have been trying to avoid all those years. Not being properly taken care of is a form of Re-abuse and invalidation. And as you say, you lost yourself. That is what happens to all of us…
thank you so much for sharing Angela.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Diane,
Realizing that my identity was taken from me was a big turning point for me in the healing process. I was mad as hell too to realize that I was not who I was created to be.. but I got back to the original me in this process, and I feel fantastic now. So glad that you are here.. love your share!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Chris,
Thank you for this beautiful compliment and validation of my work. I really believe that the changes in my thinking and in my understanding of what happened to me, have much truth for others on this journey too. I have met so many others who have had that same “WOW” reaction to what I say. I have a passion to share this message of freedom and wholeness because it saved my life.
Thank you so much for being here Chris and sharing the journey with me.
Hugs, Darlene

6

I know what you mean. For years (really until now) I have avoided my past abuse issues and have lived a life of shame, fear and of relegation. I always saught to seek the approval of those around me, no matter who they were. I accepted abusive speech directed toward me, embraced the lies I internalized about myself and worst of all, I hated myself all of my life and asked the Lord why did he allow me to live as a premature infant. Now, I am starting to see who I am, and my purpose in this life. I have learned, finally, to embrace these changes without fear.

7

wow again darlene, like chris said you nailed it. though we all had differing truamas the lies were the same, the damage might also have been the same and i bet most of the coping skills we use or have used are used by others aswell. yet the brightest thing to come out of all this suffering are blogs and sites like this that give the survivor/victim/thrivers all have a voice and help pass on the bits that helped them progress. thanks for your tme and openess darlene

8

I was taught that I was unworthy and a mistake. I was taught that I would never be loved and was not worthy of love in anyway other then “sex”. The horrible abuse I suffered confused me in so many ways and today in my thirties, I’m just learning to grasp who I AM. My beliefs, my choice’s, my voice! There are so many times I feel like giving up and it feels that this hard work is impossible. But recently I learned that I am valuable and my family needs me as well as I need them. If I can’t do the work 100% for me right now I’m doing it for my husband and 2 small children. I fight it everyday…somedays I just want to stay in bed and other’s I really hold on to some healing. It’s a process…A painful process but MY CHOICE to get past this bulging pain and move on into my future without this black heart I have. I love saying that it’s MY CHOICE! MY CHOICE!

9

Hi Chris,
This is inspirational! We can learn to face the past; to embrace the changes without fear (or with fear.. but still face them) and begin to find our true identity ~ and that is the pathway to freedom! Thanks so much for sharing!!!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Carol,
You have just described something that is very much why I started this blog; because I came to realize that no matter what the trauma in someone’s life, we all believed the same lies. No matter what our diagnosis was… the roots of the problems (the lies we believed about ourselves) were so similar, and we can all relate to the coping methods that we have in common too. (even if we used different ones.. because they grew from the same lies)
Thanks for being here Carol!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Kathy,
Your post made me smile this morning. YES ~ We have a choice. Yes we can decide that we do have a choice. It takes some work to even get to that decision, (as you know) but once we dig down a bit and expose a lie or two that we believed about ourselves, (as you have posted here) then we can also realize that we have a choice. I love your mantra at the end of your comments; ” I love saying that it’s MY CHOICE! MY CHOICE!”
Hugs, Darlene

10

Wheweee. Isn’t this the truth? It amazes me how people can forgive the abusers, yet keep record of the things we did to cover up the pain of abuse. Doesn’t make sense. Look at how many women were discounted as being raped, because they had sex with other men. And children being discounted as molested because they didn’t tell. Brrrrrrrr. A passionate subject for me too Darlene.

Great heartfelt Post, Darlene,

My sister will always be labeled as a slut and drunk and not as the little girl who was molested by her father. And then her abuse was twisted around to where she asked for it…. nuts, crazy talk.

And it doesn’t really matter how much we do change, to some people. I could turn into a nun right now, but I will always be labeled as the girl who went from one man to another.

It really only matters to us. I can forgive myself for the things I did, and I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with who I am. Those that can’t be happy for me, don’t matter anymore. What matters, is me. I refuse to allow their narrow mindedness keep me in their perceptions and my value will no longer be determined because of them.

Patty

11

I have not yet been able to forgive my abuser’s. I assume this may or may not happen. Time will tell, but I have taken some giant steps and written each of them a heartfelt letter. I haven’t built the nerve to send it to them…but I wrote it!

I’m getting to a place in my life where I could care less what other’s think about me. The people who brutally hurt me will NEVER be involved in my life and because of them I have to rebuild my self esteem and like the woman I am today…I don’t have to like who I was in the past an inncont child, a victim, a stripper, anorexic, these are all just labels and one by one and am taking the mask off!

12

Oh absolutely it was – all through my childhood I was told (verbally + in other ways) that I was worthless and useless etc etc and to NEVER think of myself in any other way. I grew up being told I could do or say or be no good. My identity was systematically destroyed. I’ve spent the last 24 years trying to recover but never quite being able to and just going round and round in circles.

Establishing my blog site, disclosing to the police, getting professional help through the police referral, disclosing to my GP, speaking out in every way I have over the last few months have all been about getting my life back. Changing my name is about establishing a new identity for myself.

I’m slowly realising there is a way through this maze, each time I speak out, each time I comment on something like this, each time I establishing ME, I’ve dropped the false smile and the pretending. I am now being real with me and with those around me. It’s a shock for some people who’ve known me for 20-25 years, some friendships have not withstood the shock, others have been greatly enriched.

Getting my life back and saying this is ME, this is the TRUTH, either accept me or walk away, because I aint gonna pretend anymore is of such immense value in establishing my identity, and it’s an identity where the abuse will be part of my history and part of my identity rather than being the sum total of who I am.

I’m not there yet, but I’m on the way. I do not know how anyone can really heal without going through such a process. I know it’s been vital for me.

13

Fi,

Good for you! We’re in this together along with many, many other’s. The process is VITAL for me too, but like you I feel it’s the way to truly heal and become whole again, in love with yourself. It’s extrememly hard to erase all the terrible messages I was taught and the memeories of rape. It’s very HARD, but if Darlene can do it and other’s I know then IT’S POSSIBLE! That’s my HOPE for each and every day!

14

You wrote: when other people define you, THEY teach you that the real you isn’t worth anything.

I read that through tears, because that was me. They taught me I was not worth anything as me, and as what they wanted I was a miserable failure so I was doomed. I was crying at the lie, because it was so much a reality for so long.

Thanks Darlene for the spot on, bullseye, on target, can’t miss post. You nailed it.

The person I am today, the one who won’t be silent, the one who sees value in herself, took a long time to surface. She was there, under a lot of ‘stuff’ that wasn’t mine and some that was. Who I am, right now, is still a work in progress but there has been hard work and there has been progress. That feels so good – especially when I can look back and see where I’ve come from and how different I am and yet how much more true I am to the rediscovered me.

It’s okay to be sad when someone causes hurt – that is proper and right. It is okay to be outraged when someone is violated – that is also proper and right. I’m not ‘too much’ or ‘too little’ by anyone’s measure anymore. This is me – like her, love her, hate her or fear her your choice. Just don’t try to cut, squish or smother her. I’ve survived for the wounds to become scars, and I won’t laydown and let someone cut me up again without a fight.

Everyone who has commented, wow, your words resonated and touched me. I’m honoured to be a part of this blog and this blog’s readers.

15

Patty ~ This share brings up a whole other rant from me.. and part of it has made my way into an upcoming blog post! Wow.. thanks so much for shedding this additional light on the subject. Thank you so much for sharing this here! Such foundational truths!
Hugs, Darlene

Kathy,
Some of what you have posted here is also going into that same future blog post that I just mentioned to Patty. The forgiveness issue is a huge one and it takes time. I didn’t worry about it, I just put it aside. Forgiveness was not the answer for me, and it did not come first. It was a result that came from me doing the work to get to the other side of broken. I love how you are sharing your truth Kathy !
thanks and Hugs, Darlene

Fi,
Thank you for sharing your journey of the past few months in this little nutshell! You are most certainly finding your way through the maze!
I am excited about every empowering point that you have shared with us here today!
Thank you for being here!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Shanyn,
I feel your heart in this comment.. I felt my own eyes filling at some of the depth you share here. I am so proud of you ~ I have seen some of those huge changes, I have been watching you grow into this ‘fighter’ and I think it is so wonderful. Thank you for sharing your progress, it is inspiring. Love your last line… “This is me – like her, love her, hate her or fear her your choice. Just don’t try to cut, squish or smother her. I’ve survived for the wounds to become scars, and I won’t lay down and let someone cut me up again without a fight.” you go girl!!
Hugs, Darlene

16

Thanks Kathy and thanks Darlene! Yes we are in it together, encouraging each other on, inspiring each other on, hearing each other’s pain. Yes it is very hard, very hard indeed and that’s why we need each other, and that’s why it’s so good to share!!

17

thanks for being here to take part, these comments are amazing, from having no one to talk to or moan to about how i feel, to having world wide support is well such a giantic step forward in the healing journey

18

Yes it certainly is Carol!! It’s been one huge gigantic leap for me, I know that for sure!!!

19

[…] These were a few of the false beliefs that I have had to re-examine. They were an open door for my abuse, even into adulthood. Going beyond my sexual abuse and recognizing my upbringing helped me recognize the reasons why I was so easily abused. Smashing these false beliefs and replacing them with healthy beliefs has helped me establish boundaries, listen to my inner voice, trust myself to make healthy decisions and have hope to live an abuse-free life. Related links: Emotional Healing & The Will To Go Forward […]

20

Am still defining self. Want that one more name change. Maybe some unknown reason why I found it so important to legally change my name throughout my adult life. I could just go by a nickname. It’s more like I kept escaping identities that I guess really were established for me when I went into the Air Force. Now Tedi is more of a cast off so the “real me” can finally be announced to the world. Maybe for me all the name changes have led up to the one that signifies MY choice…the choice of birth me who has her life back. This is all so complicated, isn’t it?

It is an identity issue that is created. It has to manifest somehow and we can see just in this group how individual that process is. Am tired of all the names but I finally LOVE Maggie Grace going into the name. When I became Tedi Grace, it took several years to grow into the name but it was chosen by internal consensus. Okay, I’m dizzy now.

21

Patty,

What you wrote pretty much brought tears to my eyes. I read your words through tearful eyes and a believing heart. I know those “lables” well. I lost someone special to me who suffered the pain and horror of being physically and sexually abused by her father. She was labled a whore and a slut and had many, many stories about her life, and despite them all, I loved her (and still love her) inspite of how others choose to define her. I saw her with different eyes. I still do. The sad thing is she pushed me away. These lables we wear don’t define who we are.

22

just need to say thank you…to everyone…for your courage and your perseverance…and your very lives. have been feeling pretty much alone out here. surely by the grace of God, I lit upon this site. A bright spark in the darkness. so much hope… i went back to start reading from blog post 1, and have only gotten to March. I am overwhelmed… so much of my story is written here as well.

my quest for identity and sense of value began in the womb…my mistake was not being the firstborn son. That opportunity was lost when my mother had a miscarriage, losing a son. Along I then came and was handed off to grandma. Later, mom lavished her attention on the two sons to follow. When the abuse came later, she branded me “Sarah Bernhardt,” the family’s drama queen. When puberty arrived and I did not metamorphose into Barbie, I ceased to exist for my mom. Who wants to dress and decorate an ugly duck? There was no guidance, no vision, no expectation for my life while a youngster, or teenager, or young adult. this has dogged my entire life.

mom passed away not long ago. she never said a word about the abuse in her life that had occurred when she was a girl until just before she died. during the depression, with no money, her value was measured differently than if she could have done the work of her brothers… my dad was in as much disbelief about mom’s confession of abuse as he was about mine. our silence warped and wounded so many souls…

this is not the legacy i want to leave my beautiful son and amazing daughter. i also want each of my grandsons and granddaughters to know they are treasured and cared for and valued — i love each one so much. i want them to have memories of their gramma — that’s me — being healthy and healed and whole… i’m a long way from there yet

your blog gives me hope. God bless.

23

Patty,

I have found it to be true as well, that with some people we never escape the labels given to us no matter what.

As you said it realy is only important to us…BUT its also important to our children, to have them away from those who love to tell them what we did in our lives. Relatives, family acquaintances, etc, must be left behind if they are intent on reacting to us as if we were tainted,crazy, or ‘sinners’, or ‘losers’. They contaminate our relationships wiht our children, as I learned the hard way.

If someone in my close enviromnent cannot be somewhat supportive or even neutral then they cannot be in my life. I can’t afford them to be.I don’t want them to be.

And the issue of seeing people who knew what happened to us being friendly with the abusers enrages me.I have a real problem with that.It’s as if they are saying ‘well, maybe Elizabeth got really hurt by this person, but so what, they didn’t do anything to ME’.I have family member like this.Its very invalidating and hurts. It feels like another betrayal.

Maybe my standards for loyalty are too high, but that is how I feel.I would never trust them again. If someone abused my child, or my friend,or my family member, in ANY way, including emotionally,I’m not likely to engage in pleasant chit chat with them if and when I see them.I simply don’t undrstand why some people do this. Sometimes right in front of you!

I will never trust someone who is pals or cozy ith someone who sowed devastation in my life, my child’s life, or anyone else’s life if I know about it.That is a very big issue with me, and I lately have eliminated a couple of people from life because of this.This is important to me, having a safe environment among the people close to me.

24

Hi Elizabeth, it’s so true what you say about labels.

There are people who have labelled me, especially Christians, and even though years may have gone by and change occurred, they cannot or will not see past the label they placed on me and see the person I really am. It doesn’t matter how much I change or heal there are some people who will always see me as a damaged mess, too damaged for help, too damaged for God etc.

And as for the labels given me by my abusers, those are even harder to get past.

I do not think your standards are too high at all. It is important to know who the safe people are in our lives. And it’s vital to have boundaries that we’ve established with the people who are in our lives. I too have had to cut ties with people who will not be supportive of me or try to minimise what happened to me.

It is absolutely vital to ensure that the people who are in our lives, your life, my life, are safe, supportive and validating!!

25

Carol and Fi ~ thank you so much for being here and being willing to share your journey and to everyone who shares ~ together we make this blog what it is!
Hugs, Darlene

Chris,
Every survivor of any kind of abuse needs to know that! That we are not defined by labels assigned to us by other people. This is one of the huge keys in emotional healing.
Thanks for being here!

Welcome ULite
Thank you for sharing part of your pain with us. There is hope, that is the bottom line of why I write this blog. So many of us didn’t know that there was hope, and we tried to just ‘get by’ somehow. There is hope for real healing and wholeness. I am living proof of that. =)
I am so glad that you have joined us here on the healing journey!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Elizabeth,
It became very important to me as I progressed forward on this healing journey, to protect my children from the poison that had been in my life for so long. It is really scary in this world how many grandparents and relatives can persuade a child to go against a parent. And what could possibly be the reason that someone would want to do that? Paint a parent as a “nut case” in the eyes of a child ~ and this happens with mothers and fathers also… that one parent paints the other parent as crazy and unworthy ~ same abuse. ~ it is all about control. (except when the intent is actually to protect the child from an abuser)

Hi Fi ~ just want to add one thing to what you have said about not being accepted no matter how much you change.. I have found this to be about the fear of the other person. I realized that I served a purpose to many people when I was a broken weak mess. I made them feel better about their own pathetic lives. If I could change and get strong and live a full life, they had to look at themselves… and they didn’t want to. And I didn’t care. I did this for me, and it is amazing how when I walked away and made some room in my life for healthier relationships, that I found them! I love your last line.. “It is absolutely vital to ensure that the people who are in our lives, your life, my life, are safe, supportive and validating!!’ That is my bottom line today!
Hugs, Darlene

26

[…] discussions lately on the facebook page for Emerging from Broken; some to do with my last post “Emotional Healing and the Will to go forward” and it is time for me to post just a little bit about this huge topic for forgiveness. Please […]

27

I have so much to say about this post and the numerous comments that followed it. But I’m still “blocked.” It is comforting to know that I’m not alone and that I’m not a bad person for being stuck. Thank you all for your wisdom and honesty.

28

Hi Darlene, what you said about the fear of the other person really helped me, big time!!! Thanks for sharing that

29

Fi,
I am so glad that helped you! That was pretty big for me too. We don’t grow up with all the proper teaching in place when we are raised in dysfunction. We are not prepared to be adults. Neither were our teachers most of the time… we are doing it now!!
Hugs, Darlene

30

I am actually having a really hard time with this subject tonight. I was talking to my boyfriend and I ended up getting really upset like he wasn’t hearing me so, I got louder. I do that if I feel like someone isn’t listening to me because that means I don’t matter, that my feelings don’t matter. My needs and feelings were completely ignored as a child and just at this moment I realize that is where my anger comes from. I get so pissed off when I get the message that someone isn’t listening to me. I had no choices as a child and I get so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of decisions I have to make as an adult. Sometimes, I feel like a little girl all over again and I do nothing and that ends up being the choice. I get so angry because it is my belief that every child deserves to be loved and heard and well cared for and I wonder why I couldn’t have had that life…sometimes the why’s really kill you inside…why couldn’t my mom just have heard me, why couldn’t she have saved me from my living hell….the answer I usually come up with is I must not have mattered that much….and that is an extremely difficult thought pattern to break…it is ingrained…but I want to change that and that’s why I am here….I don’t care how bad it gets, I will chose me every time….somewhere I know I am worth it…

31

[…] related post ~ Emotional Healing and the will to go forward […]

32

[…]                              ~ Emotional healing and the will to go forward […]

33

Wow Darlene. Thank you. Although I am not there yet, and by that I mean that choices absolutely terrify me, I WANT OUT of this mess. I want to live. I want to find myself because I know what’s been laying dormant for so long. Right now I’m holding on to everything you offer in your website. The hope, the validation, the kindness, the fact that I’m not alone in this.
My voice has been silenced up until now or maybe I’m the one that let others silence it. You see, growin up with no self value, making sure my mother was taking care of BEFORE me led me to believe my needs were not important. I was the witness of violence against my brother from my father.
I don’t know what it means to make choices. What if I make the wrong ones?
Anyway, as you can see I have a lot of work to do. It’ll take as long as it takes. One day I will free myself. One day I will reconnect my soul to my heart. With your help Darlene as well as all of you who carry me through by telling your stories here you give me strength to come out and tell mine as well without the fear of being made fun of or be called a cry baby or exaggerating. I’m ready to work in therapy.

34

I have no words. I want the words to flow through me. The words are inside me but they don’t want to come out. They were pushed down inside me a very long time ago. They are in a place that even I can’t find let alone anyone else. When I speak it frightens me,my words frighten me,they are foreign to me,the sound of my voice is but a whisper. I can hear my voice loud and clear inside me. My voice flows it has meaning,it is safe,it is secure,it is beautiful,it has purpose,it has meaning. It is trapped. It won’t or can’t come out. Something is blocking it,something is choking the life out of my voice. I can feel a lump in my throat whenever I tried to speak. The words are there but they won’t come out. Why won’t they come out. I have asked my self this every day of my life. hugs JANE

35

After coming to “EFB” I’ve begun to realize that I’ve been sleeping through my life. I have been so hurt by the very people I call family. Called names and screamed at, told I am difficult. I know that I have been taught that being passive and going alone with everything is what you do, but those same rules don’t seem to apply to my parent’s or sibling’s. So basically I have trained them to treat me badly because I didn’t know any different. Now in my fifties I am beginning to see thing’s so differently, I don’t like what they say or how they are with me. I tried to talk but they usually roll their eyes and look up at the ceiling. What is that? So am I outgrowing all that’s been instilled? Am I finally seeing that I have been abused emotionally and I don’t want this anymore. Am I strong enough to break through this? I am so used to being the nice one, not hurting feeling’s, enabling both through my actions and giving money.

I always felt like I was being “bad” if I didn’t go along with them, they weren’t love me. I am not bad at all. Actually I am a strong, independent woman who was wronged by the very people who should have protected and loved me without judgment.

My mom will go out of her way to one-up me. It’s all about her. She look’s great to the outside world, she get’s the good appearance to the world award. If people really knew the thing’s she has said to me and done to me they would be appalled. At times she is the queen of drama. She actually went to a mutual friend of our’s and told her not to talk to me again. I am fifty! I one time bought myself something nice and she wanted me to buy the same thing for her, I told her it was a treat for me and I could not afford to buy it for her but she persisted. So I decided to buy her something similar and well she had a tantrum and fling the bag all over the room. I told you I wanted what you bought, so with my tail between my legs I marched back to the store and bought the same thing and gave it to her. I learned month’s later she had returned it. All that time, energy and emotion, wasted on her. The item I bought myself I actually threw it away, why, because she wrecked my moment of doing something nice for myself.
I finally stopped buying her thing’s it’s too emotional and she is never happy.

My dad is very controlling. He can be mean and he know’s it. Everything is always a game and he’s out to win. He once bought me something and I was surprised and told him how nice it was and he responded back that if I wasn’t like I am the gift would have been nicer. I did ask what he meant and he just repeated himself.

I limit my time with my mother this is best for me. I do see my dad but only so often. I do holiday’s with them because there are other’s whom I want to see, but it’s hard. They treat the other’s differently than me. It’s very important to them that most of their children are wealthy and successful. They have favorites and some live nearby and other’s don’t. They visit the one’s that don’t every few months and I live within five minutes of them and they never visit.

I have tried and tried to be what they want, but I will never be enough for them. I have bent over backwards and do whatever they ask, but when I ask well it doesn’t go anyway, nothing happens. If I conform to their desires then I am okay at least for them. But inside of me I am miserable and unhappy.

I cannot change them, nor can I change what has happened but I can go forward and pray that I will have the courage I need to begin again.

36

Hi Celine!
This is awesome! I know it is frightening! For me the choice was like dying in order to live again. I was called an exaggerator all my life and I finally had to realize that was not about me as much as it was about the way they controlled me! I had to just press on for me. I had to learn to be my own friend.
Hugs, Darlene

37

Hi Jane
I understand but there is hope because they want to come out. I had to think about what was in the way and who was in the way of my voice. Thinking about that helped me a lot. (one time I said that my voice was shutoff and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest; I did a journal writing on who was sitting on my chest, and that helped me a ton! Another time it was “who is holding me under water.. there was always a what (like what I was afraid of if I did talk) or a who behind those things. )
Hugs, Darlene

38

Hi Cathy
Just a couple of tweaks to what you said: it isn’t that you trained them to treat you badly, it is that they trained you to let them and accept that treatment. I would say YES you are growing out of that by seeing the truth. They roll eyes and disrespect you for trying to speak and that is about them!
Your comments here are excellent and very insightful and show much courage! keep going!
Hugs, Darlene

Leave a Comment