Dysfunctional Relationship; My Parents Treat Me Like a Child
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When someone says that they are sick of being treated like a child, what comes to your mind? One of the commenter’s on my blog post Mother Daughter Relationship Lies said that she was sick of being treated like a child, and caused me to think about the meaning behind that statement. Such a familiar expression. What is being treated like a child like? What do we adults mean when we say that? Is it how a parent wipes your chin when you are eating a soft ice cream cone? Is it holding your hand when you cross the street? Is it being told to brush your teeth and get ready for bed? It would be pretty weird if our parents did that stuff when we were adults. So when an adult says that he is sick of being treated like a child, I get a whole different idea about what this statement means.
I have teen agers. My youngest teen doesn’t like it when I suggest things off the menu to her. She likes to read it for herself and make her own choice. My older teen says that I am treating her like a child when she feels like I am not giving her enough choice or freedom. My oldest teenager (who is legally and adult in Canada) doesn’t use this expression.
In my experience, when adults use this expression it means that a parent is treating an adult in similar ways to the way that both my daughters express this dislike above. Using voice infliction and innuendo, parents can make adult children feel like we are not capable or too stupid to make our own decisions ~ still having the mind of a child.
Consider some of the following statements; these are meant to make you wonder about your thoughts and decisions. They are meant to make you question yourself.
~ You are not really going to do that, are you?
~ You don’t really believe that, do you?
~ You aren’t really thinking that are you?
~ You are not really going to wear that, are you?
~What were you thinking when you bought that?
~What were you thinking when you said that?
What were you thinking when you DID that?
The unspoken message is “are you nuts” or “you must be stupid”.
These questions are not designed to get you to think about what you did or said, they are meant to make you feel stupid. They are meant to make you question yourself. When we were children we depended on our parents to help us decide, to make good choices. This is what I think some of us mean when we say they are sick of being treated like a child.
My mother in law had a different way of trying to get me to do things her way. She would say “Well, you will most likely be ready to buy that next year. Well you will most likely breastfeed (my son) for six months. She seemed to have an issue with how long I was intending to nurse, and finally I told her that I would MOST LIKELY NURSE HIM until he or I was ready to stop. But I was really conflicted about it, and her words echoed in my head for years because I just didn’t understand her motive for trying to make me stop and I didn’t realize that she was constantly insinuating that I couldn’t decide, like I wasn’t capable of deciding what would be best.
Other questions are designed to control but even these still indicate a suggestion that you couldn’t possibly know what is best. Here are a few:
~ You aren’t going to eat that are you?” (I am talking about when someone thinks they are helping you with your diet, or insinuating that you need to lose weight.)
~You aren’t going to go there are you?
~ You aren’t really interested in HIM or HER are you?
~ Why would you want to do that?
~ Why would you want to go there?
If our adult / child relationships were conducted like this when we were children, we become accustomed to this kind of innuendo and control. It becomes part of how we do relationship. It is so familiar that we don’t really think about it. We don’t realize how devaluing it is. It has become part of our belief system, our false definition of relationship, respect and love.
When we fight this without really understanding what we are fighting, is it any wonder why we end up struggling with depression and other mental health issues?
Please feel free to contribute to this post with comments or share how this post impacted you.
Breaking out of familiar;
Darlene Ouimet
8 Comments
July 30th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
So true, Darlene, I don’t think parents realize that when they use questions like this, that they don’t even realize how much they impress the opinion that we are indeed stupid or incapable of making our own decisions. It is almost like they are using a question to manipulate the results they want – and to manipulate someone is to control them. Controlling someone for any reason is unhealthy and damaging.
July 30th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Yes, and so many who can’t see or understand the dynamic, side with the parent and tell you ‘to be nice’ when what they’re really doing is breaking every ounce of You in you, or never let it grow …in the first place. I remember the parish… and priests siding with my mother and telling me to obey and honor her. They couldn’t spot her being abusive to me even right in front of them. She was treating me like she was the devil herself more often than not. She may want to be a good person and I try to let her be in the ways that are ok with me, but I can never, never ever drop my guard. A couple of years ago, I tried to spend some time in my old room, just for a few nights, but no… turned out that I had to call a friend to stand in the door while I got my stuff together ASAP and make sure I could get out ok.
People all the time tell me to keep in touch and just get along with my parent, (dad is dead), but they have no idea what they’re asking. And no forgiveness can ever be forced. Empathy I can feel and logically I can try to understand, but it’s not healthy to ask of anyone, especially not an adult who grew up with abuse, to stand next to their parents and say “we’re family”. The rest of the dynamic in a family is also often so strong, that it supports the abusive behaviour. If I had more strength, a job which meant I could support myself and stuff, I’d be able to be free. I cannot allow this kind of thing anymore and no – you can’t just turn away from it and still sit at the same table or celebrate Xmas or whatever. It’s there, and it’s like repeatedly stab someone with a knife in the heart, amputating their soul bit by bit, until there is nothing but panic and despair of an unloved child left.
The thought of having kids of my own and have to deal with the situation with my family and people ‘forcing’ me to have a relationship with them and wanting me to understand that a possible child would need its grandparents, made me decide as a 7-8 yrs old to get sterilized at 25 (legal age for that in Swe). The thought of handing my child or trying to tell people NO to let them see them while growing up and not being able to protect them, because I know the abusive behaviour would carry on towards them, made me sick and feeling panicked. Still no children, and maybe I never will have… but I will try to do good… How could I ever protect a child, if I couldn’t or can’t protect myself?
(PS. Didn’t get sterilized. The last appointment got set to my birthday and I didn’t want to spend that day doing this on the operating table. So I didn’t. So, even if I’m getting too old, I still can have the hope of “maybe”.
)
July 30th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Yep, dealing with this sort of stuff at the moment.
My personal favourite is “I’ve been praying for you”. In one sudden swoop boundaries are transcended. All of a sudden with God in the picture it’s OK to decide what another person’s life should be like.
I finally twigged that it’s this whole prayer thing that causes my mum to fail to recognize where the boundaries might be. In prayer she’s already crossing them so in real life it’s just a follow through.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“eerrrmmm Yes that’s why I’m doing it.” [I would have said]
I’ve change the ground rules and am seeing them a lot less rather than every week amongst other things. Disconnecting them a little until I can work out what the ground rules will be. Amicable but I’m trying to take control of it rather than going with the underlying assumptions that this is not something I should be doing.
July 30th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Hi Paulette,
I think you may be right that they don’t even realize it… it was done to them too, but that is no excuse, is it? In my case I had to stop letting that be the exuse for why I put up with it. And first I had to even realize it was being done. My mother wasn’t as bad with this tactic (she had other ways) as my father in law. OH MAN. Not all controllers use this trick. Having said that ~ I think they DO use questions to manipulate the results they want.
Thanks for sharing your comments!
Hugs!
Anja,
Wow. This could be a whole blog post on it’s own. You make so many points that I hardly know where to start to reply! The first part that struck me is “breaking every ounce of the YOU in YOU” and then “Or never letting it grow in the first place.” This is exactly what I am talking about. I sometimes wonder if people tell us to just forgive or just get over it and keep in touch, respect your parents is about their own fog. They had to do that, (or chose to do that) so you should too. Sometimes I think people don’t’ hear us because they CAN’T stand to look at it through the grid of truth ~it is too scary and painful for them. As far as priests and clergy, they have no clue what to say, and in my opinion many of them don’t see children as equal human beings. Well that goes for many adults too. Abusers are so often way more protected then victims are. I also made a decision when I was very young that I would NEVER have children, all because of my mother and the abusive world, but when I was 30 I had my first of three. I vowed to do things differently, and I did. (and then I fell apart and had to get help but that story is all over this blog!)
I wanted to share one last thing with you ~ I found the strength; I finally found it and you can too and I no longer feel that stab of the knife in my heart. I had to change my world view; my belief system, but I did it.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey and your hope. There is always hope.
Love Darlene
July 30th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Hi Mike!
Excellent points. I’ve been praying for you is a devastatingly powerful manipulation isn’t it! This one was used by my husbands extended family on us a TON. Don’t you want to say “So??” God spoke to everyone about ME except He didn’t speak to ME about me? Interesting. I think that MANY people do what you are saying here.. and I never thought about it that way, as in ” this whole prayer thing that causes my mum to fail to recognize where the boundaries might be. In prayer she’s already crossing them so in real life it’s just a follow through.” Absolutly!
I changed the ground rules too to give myself some space in order to figure it out too. What I found was that a little distance helped me see my way through the “fog” a little easier.
Thanks for your contribution to this post! I love it,
Darlene
July 30th, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Darlene:
I had a conversation about this stuff with mum. She said something like “I was praying about you and …… because I wanted you to have what wouldn’t harm you”. My response was “Well, given the last x years that’s not working out so well. Are you sure you are praying to the right god?”
The big issue is that it’s a no-win argument. When life is rough (and PTSD counts as rough) then her belief protects her “God has a plan yada yada yada” or “God is working towards something”. When things are going well “God is answering prayers”. It’s a totally closed belief system.
On the plus side we keep having “I thought you were over [this stuff]” conversations with me responding “Yeah, well there’s still lots of things I need to work on” type replies with specifics. So clearly she keeps thinking prayers are being answered and then finding it’s not quite true.
At least it’s all light-hearted now.
It’s only in the last few days I’ve managed to intuit the dynamics of the whole situation and how I’ve been suckered in for so long.
Today I turned it around and threw two conflicting things at her – one is not for here, another was “Will you pray about……. for me” and that’s when the confessions started and everything clicked into place esp. the viewpoint that fails to see other people as other people who are really indepdent and autonomous rather than fitting into God’s plan for me/my-family in some way.
I think it’s subtly corrupting. The situation that started the conversation is that a woman I’d like to continue dating is not really ready for that. It’s simple. There’s no need for God to change the situation; the situation is not faulty. It is what it is. There’s nothing that needs to change. But if you put God into the picture you can start to believe that somehow the situation needs to change to be just-whatever-you-think-is-best and in one stroke God is written out of the picture since “Maybe everything is just as God wishes” doesn’t feature.
Am I rambling?
July 30th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Mike,
I don’t think you are rambling at all, I followed all of it right to the end. You highlight great points! Isn’t it cool when we suddenly realize how this works?
Thanks for posting these new insights. I have seen everyone one of those statements “god has a plan and God is working towards… even God laid this on my heart for me to tell you OH and the list goes on and on.” They are all subtly corrupting and controlling! But it never occurred to me that someone could try to control me through such a means as telling me how they prayed for me.
Thanks again Mike
Hugs, Darlene
August 1st, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Hi Darlene
Found it – what made it harder for me to deal with my depression was that too many Christians blamed me for being depressed, which added to all my self blame and shame. So often I was told that if only I worshipped, read my bible and prayed enough the…n I would not be depressed and have joy. I went round and round in circles and got no better only got worse and felt more and more guilty and ashamed about being depressed. I seems very few Christians have read their bible and read about so many people in the bible who experienced depression.
Oh and the classic one I heard so many times- in Christ you are a new creation so your past as gone including the abuse in your past, so get on with it and stop living in the past, all that stuff is gone, gone and dealt with on the cross.
Another classic one – inner healing is a waste of time, you don’t need inner healing, you don’t need therapists what you need to do is to command those bad thoughts and bad feelings to go away, you are choosing to stay in this place, you are choosing to be a victim, you are choosing not to live in victory, get with it!
The spiritual abuse and lies just made living with depression even harder. All the time I was desperately searching for solutions, desperately crying out for answers. And all the time I was blaming myself when the real core of my depression was in trauma of my childhood that was filled with horror.
I have a pattern of reaching breaking point just before breakthrough happens. I keep going and keep going then break, no sooner do I break than the answer comes.