Comments on: Controlling Parents and the Questions Abusers Ask

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:19:27 +0000

Hi Sarah,
The abuse or childhood problems that our parents had has nothing to do with what we have gone through. It is so damaging to be told that your abuse is less than someone elses. I am so sorry that this was the response from your father.
Glad you are here, thanks for sharing
Hugs, Darlene

By: Sarah

Sarah — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 02:36:57 +0000

I can really identify with this. I am 35 with a child of my own and my parents are still very controlling to me. I used to try to bring up the abuse they did to me and my brothers and my dad just said he thought it wasn’t anything compared to what he went through growing up. I’m still in therapy because on top of all I went through as a child they were instrumental in diagnosing me with bipolar disorder when I tried to leave the house at 19. My dad is a narcissist who is also a preacher and even though I’ve moved away from them they hate my fiance and always tell me I need to be in church and refuse to approve of my independence from them. I still keep in touch just to be nice but they still try to act like I’m 16 even though I’m pregnant with my second child. I’m in therapy still. I feel like they got away with murder, and I never confront them anymore about the past.

By: Ian

Ian — Sun, 08 May 2011 20:51:33 +0000

EXACTLY. I have the “symptoms” but mother was the problem all along !!!!
cannot ask politely, always has contrived, fake smile, full of sarcasm and thinks
she is being cute when she complains that the cat purrs too loudly.

HAS NO BUSINESS with cats if she is like that !!!!! Is not my mother anymore.
I am so sick of pretending…. made depression worse. will not do it anymore.
she had a saying “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing.”
not allowed to complain, express anger, expected to put on good front all the time.

nauseating. small wonder I had such difficulty with emotions of any kind.
and why I developed an addiction. to escape overwhelming and uncomfortable emotions.
thank heavens for treatment programs, therapists, my current girlfriend, and this community.

WE ARE NOT ALONE. such a gift to find safe place with people who GET IT.

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Sun, 08 May 2011 20:23:52 +0000

Nick, welcome!
From what you have written, you have found the right blog and community! If you press the home page button, you will see the current posts. All my writing is about exactly what you are talking about AND I have fully recovered, so yes, lots of hope! What set me free was facing the truth about my life and what really happened to me in my childhood. There is freedom and wholeness! Hope to hear from you soon!
Darlene

By: nick

nick — Sun, 08 May 2011 20:18:45 +0000

My Mother told me that I had a faulty memory then she did the very same manipulative and abusive things to me as an adult!!!

i hsve ptsd with psychosis, even though I’ve been diagnosed as schizophrenic, because they won’t listen to my past!. I have a counsellor who tells me that it is more likely to be ptsd with psychosis.

Anyway, i prayed to god tonight. I kept on saying ‘will you ALLOW me to’ and now I realise that I am wanting to be autonomous and in charge of my life but unsure of how to go about it. Y’see I was in america with my wife, and she was emotionally abused due to the flashacks I was having, and I was so triggered by the mistakes I made, that I didn’t think clearly enough to see that she was different and her crying wasn’t like my Mother’s manipulative crying…

When i said that i didn’t want any more contact with my Mother, she responded to the nurses at the hospital that she ‘would like to come and bring my things’ – how innocuous sounding, but in fact it was very subtle manipulation and a need to control…

my dad asked me if I ‘had any problems son’? I hate this it really irks me!.Ihate the way he speaksa nd everthing about him….

My point for writing ithis is to ask if there is any help out there? Medication, therapy, hypnotism anything! I heard you healed and that’s great pleaes share what you did to get your life back
please?

and btw my parents are now as good as dead to me, but I hear tham in my mind and am metahorically ‘mentally handicapped’ due to their control!

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 20:42:24 +0000

Welcome SC
It really does get better. If you read more of this blog and my story, you will realize that I was a mess struggling with multiple depressions and all sorts of other stuff and today I live a full life. I am happier then I ever dreamed possible and my family is happy and functional as well. My marriage is 100 times better and I have not had a depression for years now. In this blog I write about the healing process, how I came to live again, how I mended from a life time of broken. I don’t know that I had ever been really happy in my life prior either.
Hang in here, keep reading and you will discover there are MANY here, (this blog gets hundreds of views a day and hundreds of comments a month) are also finding hope and healing.
Hugs, Darlene

By: SECarter

SECarter — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 20:36:28 +0000

I read the article and can relate. I am only at the beginning of this process. I am only now looking back at my childhood and recognizing that it was so abusive. There is so much that I took for granted and thought it was normal. I am suffering from depression, low self esteem, anxiety now. My question to everyone is “does it get better”? Is there really a way to heal so that I don’t feel so broken? Is there a way to be happy? I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy in my life.

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 18:24:01 +0000

Toorsie,
I am not sure how to answer your question. Do you think you are abusive to your daughter? I don’t have enough information to answer that. I am not surprised that she has emotional and psychological problems, she has been sexually abused by her father. The exact details don’t matter if she was abused. That causes a lifetime of problems. When I wasn’t heard as a child, I constantly sought being heard as an adult. (Today it is resolved for me, becasuse I found a way to validate myself, but I understand what your daughter is going through still)
I think that if you read more of this site, you may get a clearer understanding of your own questions. There is a lot of information about healing, abuse, dysfunction and relationships. I hope that my comments help a bit. =)
Thanks for posting.
Darlene

By: Toorsie

Toorsie — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 18:13:11 +0000

I was just reading your blog – on questions abusers ask and I’m speachless!! Bit background – there were incest in my marriage with our eldest daughter (husband and eldest daughter). I was not at all aware of this and the moment she came to me and told me I had him locked up. Then she started lying about a lot of details – seemed she just loved all the attention from the police etc. When I caught her out on the lies I asked her to please just tell me the truth because I was shattered and don’t know what to believe. My first impulse as a mother was to protect my child – no questions ask and here I was in this situation where I did not know who was telling the truth. In the end I could not figure it out, he was lying, she was lying and I was not there so I did not KNOW exactly what happened. This was 10 years ago – she still wants to talk about it – I don’t. When I wanted to talk and wanted to protect and wanted to be there she was not interested in just telling the truth (she was 14) I don’t want to go there – because I don’t know if I ever will know the truth and I feel its time to move on – its not going to change anything now anymore. BUT is this now abuse towards my daughter? She has a lot of emotional and pshycological problems and I am there for almost everything else, but not that chapter

By: Darlene Ouimet

Darlene Ouimet — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:09:26 +0000

Hi Carol,
It is strange how people react to stories of abuse and I often wonder if they react this way due to their own denial. Very often when I speak about psychological abuse, people will react with shock, and tell me that they are so glad that never happened to them. They will often say later (often days later) and tell me that the same thing DID happen to them, like they suddenly remember. I think it is that they suddenly face it. The initial reaction (denial) is the way that we have survived ~ eg: “my parents love me, I am so glad that they didn’t devalue me that way” but then when they get thinking about it they can’t lie to themselves anymore. I think that there is a large part of the world that just can’t look at this stuff because there is such a lack of hope for change. It is easier to just deny it happens. When I recovered I knew that one of the biggest keys was how I had lost hope for healing over the years. Once I knew there WAS hope, I wanted to inspire others.
Thanks for your comments, and keep striving! I love your determination!
Hugs, Darlene