Controlling Parents and the Questions Abusers Ask
By
The post “Psychological, Physical and Sexual Abuse Why Questions” generated a lot of interest, so I decided to do a follow up post asking the questions that controlling and abusive people ask us. The response on the Emerging from Broken facebook page was huge.
These types of statements that controllers and abusers use are designed to keep us in a fog of confusion. Remember that this type of grooming begins when we are very young and becomes part of our definition of love. We are taught “if you love me you would not fight, argue or even disagree with me”. We may also be taught that compliance is respect and respect is a demand not a choice. The problem is that so often we end up respecting abusive behaviour and we are not sure what abusive behaviour is because it starts when we are so young.
The following ‘why questions’ abusers ask can be used to control and to cover up any type of abuse. They are used to guilt and shame us into looking back at ourselves and to question ourselves, instead of them. They are used to keep the victim in a spin ~ trying to figure out the truth and never quite putting a finger on exactly what the truth is. These questions are used to control. These types of questions are abusive. They don’t make sense but we so often don’t realize that because we have been groomed to accept these false definitions of love and respect since we were very young.
Here are some of the comments that came in on EFB Facebook, about typical questions and statements that are used to control, guilt and shame, force compliance, or cause to shut down.
~ “why don’t you just get on with your life and get over that? Why do you insist on destroying our family? Why can’t you let me forget that happened?
~ “Why don’t you spend time with me anymore? Why do you look so serious all the time?”
~ “Why can’t you forgive and forget? And I am told I SHOULD love them.”
~”After all I’ve done for you why are you treating me this way? Why can’t YOU just move on?”
~ Why don’t you like me? Don’t you remember all the fun we had when you were a kid? (along with an answer ~ “no, I don’t remember all the fun and even if there was some fun does that make up for all the other abuse?.. NO”)
~”Why don’t you respect him? He was a good provider. (Is that what a father is?) You are going to have to live with the way YOU are treating your Dad.”
~ “If you loved me you would… or If you loved me you would not….”
~”You SHOULD be grateful”
~” Why can’t you think of somebody other than yourself for a change?”
~ “Why can’t you grow up and start acting like your Mothers daughter?”
~ “You MAKE me do this to you. If you would do things right the first time I wouldn’t have to….”
~ “Why can’t you see this from my point of view?”
~ “Stop acting like a spoilt brat”
~ “What is WRONG with you?”
~ “Why do you keep talking about this? Why do you blame me; your father did it. What the hell are you thinking, writing a book about it? Why are you so selfish? Do you think you are the only one that matters? What about ME?”
These questions are full of the twisted communications and insinuations hurled at people for the purpose of control. Love is not disempowering and it does not support lies. This system is very backwards and extremely devaluing. Most of these questions are what controlling PARENTS said to their own adult children. We are called selfish, because we want to expose the abuse? Because we want our lives back? We are reprimanded for wanting to have a voice, for wanting to have a chance, for telling the truth? It is more important for them to keep up appearances and to protect the abuser or the secret than it is to validate a child or adult child? Therefore we are the ones with the problem because we want to be heard? In this system there is no hope. When we do as they ask everyone stays sick. And the most difficult part to comprehend is that they would rather us comply, cover up and obey, then become the flourishing healthy adults that we were born to be. We are told we SHOULD love them but we are not taught love by them. Love has not been modeled for us. They do not love by their own definition of love; the same definition of love that we are expected to love them by.
When I went back into my past to examine the events that originally caused my depressions and dissociative identity disorder, it became apparent that there were a lot of lies involved. There was justification by the abusers, there was blame towards me, when I was an innocent victim, there was covering up, ignoring, and “that didn’t happen” and “shush let’s just forget all about it”. This is where the mental illness accelerated for me ~ with the twisting of the truth; the not being protected and the misplaced blame. The illness accelerated because one lie breeds another lie. And when this type of control works, the controllers keep upping the ante. They want more control, more compliance.
We grow up and we are often attracted to controllers and abusers… it’s familiar; it’s what we know. By the time I was in my late thirties the confusion and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t see the truth at all anymore; I easily bought the lies, I conformed to the requests, I complied and I tried harder. My mental health grew increasingly worse. I had no idea what love was. This is how my belief system got so messed up. And it was in sorting it out; realizing the false from the truth that I recovered.
Please feel free to contribute any of your own stories or the questions used on you.
Busting through the fog,
Darlene Ouimet
20 Comments
July 25th, 2010 at 10:01 am
Very well written a lot of what you said here I could very well identify with in so many ways. I was never truly allowed to vent my own grief when I think back I remember several times in my life that I really needed someone to believe me instead I was made to feel as though I was a fool that was just seeking attention. For instance I kept telling my parents for years that I couldn’t see out of my left eye (When I was around five I was diagnosed with a “lazy eye” in my left eye and I had to wear really thick bottle cap glasses) my parents didn’t believe me until they took me and my sister for an eye appointment when I was around 14 years old. They new my sister needed glasses but when the eye doctor started examining me he looked at my parents and said “You know she is legally blind in that eye”
I was never really taken seriously .. I remember in my tenth grade year of high school I wrote a suicide note and one of my friends found it and she and another one of our friends turned it into the school counselor … the school counselor had me pulled out of my algebra class (I was taking a test at the time) and she told me that she had not called my parents yet (which I found out later was a lie because my dad told me she had called him and he laughed about it because he thought I was just writing one of my many creative writing stories that I like to write) I pretty much went with the joke .. because I was made to feel like a joke not just by my dad but by the school as well.
And when I tried to open up and talk to my mom she would always say you need to talk to your dad simply because she didn’t know how to deal with me … but what she didn’t realize was my dad was the problem to a certain extent..
Just this with this year (I am now in my 30′s) my mom has started realizing or should I say allowing herself to admit the truth and facing it for what it is. But until now I was always to blame.
July 25th, 2010 at 11:35 am
Nikki
This is what I am talking about. Those kinds of things that make us feel unimportant and even invalid. The kinds of things that are said to us that sting, but deep down they also make us wonder if we ARE worth it or not? The child wonders “why”? Why wasn’t I believed? The child looks for reasons that are the child’s fault and the child grows up with the same thoughts, doubts and questions.
Its great that your Mom is realizing some of this stuff now and allowing herself to admit and face the truth. it is really hard for someone to realize that stuff ~ it is much easier to keep attributing the problems of the child to the child, grown up or not. The excuses that my mother has to declare that it isn’t her fault, are hurtful. When she says things like “I am sorry about such and such, every singe time she adds “but YOU” and places the blame right back on me. It does take two to mend a relationship and there are two sides to healing. In my case I noticed that I had to really take a look at the truth. My mother claims that she did the best she could, and I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is the “but” at the end, and that she won’t give me equal value to herself. It always comes down to “my fault”.
I am encouraged to hear of your Mom actually looking at this stuff with you. That is what my husband did in order to heal our marriage. That is what we do with our kids in order to heal with them. Nobody does this relationship thing perfectly, but when we participate in relationship in this way, it is bound to get better.
Thanks so much Nikki for sharing this today and for being a part of this blog!
Hugs, Darlene
July 25th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
Wow, this really spoke to me, and I never realized just how sick it is.
They abuse, then deny they abused, they make you feel like you lost your mind, you get angry because you feel like you lost your mind, and then that gives them justification, to say you have lost your mind.
Sick, sick, sick. It is a conspiracy. Plain and simple, and the more people they have on their side against you, the more games they use to put it back on you. Whewwwww. Time for Chocolate.
July 25th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
I recently had a huge trigger like this hanging with my family. They denied me my memories, saying I remember wrong (says who? If I could be wrong, so can THEY but apparently it’s so obvious that I’m the wrong one, the problem and the issue, cause, splinter etc… I got up right there and then, put on my shoes and left. This twisting of truth, that they can’t take in, is what makes the reality hell for us as we grew up. I remember the panic of feeling I had to record or write everything down that was said because afterwards, whatever had happened or been said, would be denied. Marks or not.
What is interesting is how these questions and controlling mechanisms are all over society, work, social circles, not to mention church which has been active in making me feel guilty about not loving my parents enough. A child’s ‘personality’/self gets so twisted and torn, that I doubt anyone could ever imagine it. It makes me incredibly angry. And because I’ve been through abuse, and talk about it openly, others all over use it as a means to blame me for things that I’ve got nothing to do with, or push me to say I should be and look happier (after maybe just puked my guts out and not been able to keep anything down, after getting a trigger at work while I’m trying to do my job etc) or the group won’t accept me in the work place. It’s SICK. There has to be a stop to this, so no way I’m going to shut up. I can do my job, but you don’t ask a person in a wheel chair to get up and walk. To me it is the same, just that it doesn’t show on the outside. But I have a right to my own boundaries, to ask not to be touched at work, home or anywhere else, even if someone ‘means well’ and comes with disguised threats that I from now on will be treated differently, all covered up as well meaning, twisted concern. F**k that.
We just have to say no, and I’m so glad to read the stuff you guys share on here. I don’t feel alone anymore, and it provides strength and resolve for me to pull through. I may not be married and have the perfect life on the outside, but I’m taking responsibility for myself and being well adjusted to societal (or family) norms, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re healthier or innocent, or right.
July 25th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Anja,
Thank you so much for sharing your deep insight ~ you make so many absolutely true points! The problem IS everywhere.. I have often thought I should write everything down and I was convinced that it was ME because I was told so many times that my memories were wrong!
SO good for you for your determination to stand up for yourself! That is how the world will change, when those of us who can talk, do, and we can empower others to do the same. Little by little others will realize they too can stand up for themselves and in this way we can all make a big difference.
Thanks so much for posting these comments and for being willing to contribute in this way!
Hugs, Darlene
July 25th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Patty,
You just summed it up perfectly. YES EXACTLY that is the cycle of abuse in a nutshell. And this is the cycle of ANY kind of abuse even subtle manipulation!
Thanks so much for coming over from OSA and posting this very insightful comment. Such a great summary!
Hugs, Darlene
July 25th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
Controlling Parents and the Questions Abusers Ask…
I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog
…
July 26th, 2010 at 12:41 am
this blog is the story of my life, unfortunately.
both my parents had shit upbringings, both granfathers were paedo’s (1 convictd n 1 not)n the whole family dynamics were screwed before i was born but that still somehow made it my fault. i didnt ask to b born their actions caused that but i have been paying for it every day since. i have been trying to recover from my childhood since i was 17, n i am getting there, slowly but i will get there.
i think the hardest thing as a survivor of all this abuse is the total lack of understanding from not only family but the wider society. when i went to uni i was told i didnt look like a person who had suffered all 5 catorgories of abuse yet that i should leave my past at the uni door so as not to upset the others on my course, i went nutz. how dare they belittle my past like that and i was very vocal about how they were not being fair to me and placing even more stress n negativity on my shoulders, nope they expected me to behave in a set way, a way i had no hope of achieving cos i had to keep silent about wot had happened to me. not now n not ever again will i be silent about how the treatment of me as a child has damaged me as an adult. how dare they say in all their literature that it is ok to speak out, unless it about family abusive situations apparently, as it might upset someone, hells bells they only had to hear not live it like i did, but no/ anyway ending of the story is that i have completed my 1st yr of a foundation degree in children, family n community health. and i passed it so far, so who is laughing now.
telling ya it aint my parents cos i still pull them for what thye did n i suppose thats why i dont see them as much as id like. daft or wot yet i can take them for the people they are now n if they nice to me i can treat them like normal people it when they start with the judgements n making me feel like crap that i go off on one. i have learnt, n am learning loads more by using ur wisdom darlene, that i only have too watch wot i do n say as i am responsible for those but everyone else can swing cos i aint there puppet anymore
July 26th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Hi Carol,
It is strange how people react to stories of abuse and I often wonder if they react this way due to their own denial. Very often when I speak about psychological abuse, people will react with shock, and tell me that they are so glad that never happened to them. They will often say later (often days later) and tell me that the same thing DID happen to them, like they suddenly remember. I think it is that they suddenly face it. The initial reaction (denial) is the way that we have survived ~ eg: “my parents love me, I am so glad that they didn’t devalue me that way” but then when they get thinking about it they can’t lie to themselves anymore. I think that there is a large part of the world that just can’t look at this stuff because there is such a lack of hope for change. It is easier to just deny it happens. When I recovered I knew that one of the biggest keys was how I had lost hope for healing over the years. Once I knew there WAS hope, I wanted to inspire others.
Thanks for your comments, and keep striving! I love your determination!
Hugs, Darlene
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:13 am
I was just reading your blog – on questions abusers ask and I’m speachless!! Bit background – there were incest in my marriage with our eldest daughter (husband and eldest daughter). I was not at all aware of this and the moment she came to me and told me I had him locked up. Then she started lying about a lot of details – seemed she just loved all the attention from the police etc. When I caught her out on the lies I asked her to please just tell me the truth because I was shattered and don’t know what to believe. My first impulse as a mother was to protect my child – no questions ask and here I was in this situation where I did not know who was telling the truth. In the end I could not figure it out, he was lying, she was lying and I was not there so I did not KNOW exactly what happened. This was 10 years ago – she still wants to talk about it – I don’t. When I wanted to talk and wanted to protect and wanted to be there she was not interested in just telling the truth (she was 14) I don’t want to go there – because I don’t know if I ever will know the truth and I feel its time to move on – its not going to change anything now anymore. BUT is this now abuse towards my daughter? She has a lot of emotional and pshycological problems and I am there for almost everything else, but not that chapter
March 23rd, 2011 at 11:24 am
Toorsie,
I am not sure how to answer your question. Do you think you are abusive to your daughter? I don’t have enough information to answer that. I am not surprised that she has emotional and psychological problems, she has been sexually abused by her father. The exact details don’t matter if she was abused. That causes a lifetime of problems. When I wasn’t heard as a child, I constantly sought being heard as an adult. (Today it is resolved for me, becasuse I found a way to validate myself, but I understand what your daughter is going through still)
I think that if you read more of this site, you may get a clearer understanding of your own questions. There is a lot of information about healing, abuse, dysfunction and relationships. I hope that my comments help a bit. =)
Thanks for posting.
Darlene
April 11th, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I read the article and can relate. I am only at the beginning of this process. I am only now looking back at my childhood and recognizing that it was so abusive. There is so much that I took for granted and thought it was normal. I am suffering from depression, low self esteem, anxiety now. My question to everyone is “does it get better”? Is there really a way to heal so that I don’t feel so broken? Is there a way to be happy? I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy in my life.
SC
April 11th, 2011 at 1:42 pm
Welcome SC
It really does get better. If you read more of this blog and my story, you will realize that I was a mess struggling with multiple depressions and all sorts of other stuff and today I live a full life. I am happier then I ever dreamed possible and my family is happy and functional as well. My marriage is 100 times better and I have not had a depression for years now. In this blog I write about the healing process, how I came to live again, how I mended from a life time of broken. I don’t know that I had ever been really happy in my life prior either.
Hang in here, keep reading and you will discover there are MANY here, (this blog gets hundreds of views a day and hundreds of comments a month) are also finding hope and healing.
Hugs, Darlene
May 8th, 2011 at 1:18 pm
My Mother told me that I had a faulty memory then she did the very same manipulative and abusive things to me as an adult!!!
i hsve ptsd with psychosis, even though I’ve been diagnosed as schizophrenic, because they won’t listen to my past!. I have a counsellor who tells me that it is more likely to be ptsd with psychosis.
Anyway, i prayed to god tonight. I kept on saying ‘will you ALLOW me to’ and now I realise that I am wanting to be autonomous and in charge of my life but unsure of how to go about it. Y’see I was in america with my wife, and she was emotionally abused due to the flashacks I was having, and I was so triggered by the mistakes I made, that I didn’t think clearly enough to see that she was different and her crying wasn’t like my Mother’s manipulative crying…
When i said that i didn’t want any more contact with my Mother, she responded to the nurses at the hospital that she ‘would like to come and bring my things’ – how innocuous sounding, but in fact it was very subtle manipulation and a need to control…
my dad asked me if I ‘had any problems son’? I hate this it really irks me!.Ihate the way he speaksa nd everthing about him….
My point for writing ithis is to ask if there is any help out there? Medication, therapy, hypnotism anything! I heard you healed and that’s great pleaes share what you did to get your life back
please?
and btw my parents are now as good as dead to me, but I hear tham in my mind and am metahorically ‘mentally handicapped’ due to their control!
May 8th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Nick, welcome!
From what you have written, you have found the right blog and community! If you press the home page button, you will see the current posts. All my writing is about exactly what you are talking about AND I have fully recovered, so yes, lots of hope! What set me free was facing the truth about my life and what really happened to me in my childhood. There is freedom and wholeness! Hope to hear from you soon!
Darlene
May 8th, 2011 at 1:51 pm
EXACTLY. I have the “symptoms” but mother was the problem all along !!!!
cannot ask politely, always has contrived, fake smile, full of sarcasm and thinks
she is being cute when she complains that the cat purrs too loudly.
HAS NO BUSINESS with cats if she is like that !!!!! Is not my mother anymore.
I am so sick of pretending…. made depression worse. will not do it anymore.
she had a saying “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing.”
not allowed to complain, express anger, expected to put on good front all the time.
nauseating. small wonder I had such difficulty with emotions of any kind.
and why I developed an addiction. to escape overwhelming and uncomfortable emotions.
thank heavens for treatment programs, therapists, my current girlfriend, and this community.
WE ARE NOT ALONE. such a gift to find safe place with people who GET IT.
January 30th, 2012 at 7:36 pm
I can really identify with this. I am 35 with a child of my own and my parents are still very controlling to me. I used to try to bring up the abuse they did to me and my brothers and my dad just said he thought it wasn’t anything compared to what he went through growing up. I’m still in therapy because on top of all I went through as a child they were instrumental in diagnosing me with bipolar disorder when I tried to leave the house at 19. My dad is a narcissist who is also a preacher and even though I’ve moved away from them they hate my fiance and always tell me I need to be in church and refuse to approve of my independence from them. I still keep in touch just to be nice but they still try to act like I’m 16 even though I’m pregnant with my second child. I’m in therapy still. I feel like they got away with murder, and I never confront them anymore about the past.
January 31st, 2012 at 10:19 am
Hi Sarah,
The abuse or childhood problems that our parents had has nothing to do with what we have gone through. It is so damaging to be told that your abuse is less than someone elses. I am so sorry that this was the response from your father.
Glad you are here, thanks for sharing
Hugs, Darlene
May 9th, 2012 at 12:49 am
Hello, my name is Ariel, and i was raised a Jehovah’s witness. My parents constantly made me feel like a disapointment to them in many ways. They would get upset over my grades, my clothes, my friends. They wouldn’t let me out of the house after dinner time while i was in high school. I was not allowed on the computer at all, but my little sister was. I am now 18, and they kicked me out for standing up for myself. I live with them again now, and they still take things from me that i buy with my own money. They try to pressure me into going to church, saying it will improve my life and i need it. I wanted to kill myself in grade 10, honestly. My mom would tell me i need to lose weight, and that i needed to wear make up. She would tell me i looked like a guy.. i was a size 9 then. I just hope my sister dosnt go through the same thing as me.
May 9th, 2012 at 5:34 am
Hi Ariel
Welcome to EFB
Thank you for sharing your story. It isn’t easy to be in a situation like that. It sounds like a lot of the stiuations that we share about here so I think you will find community and understanding in these pages.
Hugs, Darlene