Archive for Family
“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE” by Fi Macleod
Posted by: | CommentsI am pleased and excited today to welcome my friend Fi Macleod. Fi is a fellow blogger and an amazing survivor of horrific abuse. Fi has a passion for writing and the subject of spiritual abuse is close to her heart. Please help me welcome Fi and her with her second guest post on Emerging from Broken! As always, please we invite you to post your comments and participate in the discussion. ~ Darlene Ouimet ~ founder of Emerging from Broken
“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE! YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET” by Fi Macleod
This statement was used many times during my childhood. As a result I developed deep self-blame. I bore responsibility for things which were actually nothing to do with me. The self-blame is combined with deep shame and guilt. The self-blame came through a combination of verbal and non-verbal messages from my abusers and messages from the abuse itself.
“You’re nothing but trouble, you deserve everything that happens”
“You deserve it because you’re a girl, we didn’t want a girl”
“You deserve it because you’re evil”
“You deserve it because the bible tells us you deserve it”
“You deserve it because….”
“You deserve it just because we say you deserve it”
I never knew when they’d decide I “deserved” a beating, or I “deserved” to be thrown across the room or I “deserved” to be starved or I “deserved” locked in my room or I “deserved” whatever they chose. It was very oppressive. I asked myself many times “what it is about me that is Read More→
Sexual Abuse at the Hands of a Youth Pastor by Shanyn Silinski
Posted by: | CommentsI am excited to have guest blogger and frequent contributor to Emerging from Broken, Shanyn Silinski from “the Scarred Seeker” blog sharing with my readers today on the topic of Spiritual abuse and Church abuse. Please help me welcome Shanyn and as always, please feel free to contribute your comments and feedback in the comments section of this blog post. ~ Darlene Ouimet, founder of Emerging from Broken
Sexual Abuse at the Hands of a Youth Pastor by Shanyn Silinski
Mark 9:42 “And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.
For years it was me who wore the millstone of being dirty, whorish, asking for it, trash and I wore it silently because my abuse at the hands of a youth pastor was a secret for years. He knew, of course, and because of the shame I didn’t tell. I paid the price for his secret desires, and his willingness to touch a child. I look back on the photos of that weekend. I was just a kid. Not ‘blooming early’.
When I finally did tell someone, I was told, don’t be so dramatic, it wasn’t you he wanted but me (my mother). Take it as a compliment. This was years later, and I realized that she knew he lusted after her, and she thought somehow, in hindsight, that it was okay to have your daughter serve as substitute.
I remember it so clearly, driving in the truck, finally breaking the silence. Hoping and praying for something more than that. I was worried what if he hurt other girls and was ‘assured’ I was Read More→
Saying Sorry I’m not Perfect Deflects from the Point
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Lets have a nice cup of coffee and forget all about "it".
What do people mean when they declare in an exasperated voice “Well sorry! I’m not perfect”
There are different versions of this statement said in different ways, with different voice inflictions so for the purpose of “fog busting”, here are a few of them:
“I’m not perfect” This is stated as though “perfection” is what I am asking for and implying that the problem is not their actions but in fact my expectations.
“Well sorry I’m not perfect”; Stated as a plea to make me sorry that I made this person feel bad. Once again this is turned around on ME indicating that I have done or said the wrong thing and that the problem is actually NOT theirs, but mine.
“I never said I was perfect” Stated a little heavy on the sarcasm indicating that once again I have asked too much and indicating that my expectations are Read More→
Evil Manipulative People and Emotional Damage
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Some days are very difficult for me. I am always filled with sympathy and understanding for the victims and survivors of child abuse but on some days the whole subject just makes me see red. It makes me angry that so many children have suffered at the hands of manipulative, controlling and abusive adults. Every day I hear tragic stories from people who have survived very dysfunctional childhoods at the hands of horribly sick adults. I get really angry at what so many children are enduring even as I write this and at what so many (now adult) children have had to endure.
And these same adult children have been expected to grow up “normally” after having a dysfunctional childhood like that. I was expected to function normally, and have high self esteem to the degree that was manipulated and convinced into believing that the low self esteem that I experienced was my own fault! And this expectation that I should “snap out of it”, “grow up,” “get over it” and take charge of my life, was often communicated by the very same people who abused and controlled me in the first place. First I was mistreated, devalued and manipulated and then I was blamed for having depressions and other difficulties in life!
As Survivors of this manipulation and abuse we learn to accept those expectations and turn them on ourselves, believing that we SHOULD just grow up and be fine and dandy without ever Read More→
Hoarders Illustrating Psychological Abuse and Protecting Abusers
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“This notion, that parents must never be blamed no matter what they have done, has caused untold damage.” Alice Miller ~ Banished Knowledge
The other night I was watching the show “Hoarders” on television. The eldest daughter came home from University and brought her boyfriend along for a visit. Even before they entered the house, she started reminding him not to “say anything.” Inside the house was a shocking mess. Her mother was a hoarder. The “hoard” in some places was up to the ceiling. There were slim pathways everywhere so they could make their way through the house. Before the daughter and her boyfriend arrived, the mother told the camera crew that her daughter was “happy” as long as she could sleep in her bed; that the stuff piled all over her bedroom didn’t bother her. Again, the “stuff” was piled up to the ceiling in her room too.
There were bugs everywhere. There were mice and rodent droppings everywhere. The boyfriend was pretty disturbed about it but she kept warning him not to say anything. She reminded him, pleaded with him and she told him outright not to say anything.
The biggest concern that she had was to protect her mother. Her mother had a problem that was affecting the whole family, but the mothers feelings had to be Read More→
Spiritual Abuse and the Catholic Church by Lynn Tolson
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Lynn Tolson First Holy Communion
This week I am pleased to have Lynn Tolson, Author of “Beyond the Tears: A true Survivor’s Story” guest blogging on Emerging from Broken. The following blog post illustrates how religious institutions demand blind obedience from parishioners trained from childhood to defer to the established patriarchal principles of society. Conforming to the religious standards without being able to think for oneself and form individual opinions is a set up for oppression and submission for the sake of a feeling of belongingness. As always, please share your thoughts in the comments section ~ Darlene
Dysfunctional Family Law and Family Belief Systems
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“All children are born to grow, to develop, to live, to love, and to articulate their needs and feelings for their self-protection” ~ Alice Miller
We all grow up with laws and we learn what the laws of the land are and we learn to abide by the law or face certain consequences. We are taught that if we speed, we will get a speeding ticket which includes a fine. We learn that killing another person is wrong and it will land you to prison. We learn that stealing is also an offence punishable by the law. We are taught that punching someone in the face is assault and that threatening another person with any kind of harm is illegal. We learn these laws and are taught to abide by them from various sources such as our families, media, books, news and school. Laws of the land are for our own good. They are meant to protect us and to sustain an at least somewhat civilized society. The law of the land is set in place to give each human being equal rights as a human being.
But some of the things we learn are NOT for our own good. Sometimes we learn to live by a dysfunctional law. Sometimes we learn that we don’t have a right to what IS best for us, but that others have rights to use us and Read More→
Betrayal and reflections of Betrayal by Shanyn Silinski
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I am excited to have guest blogger and frequent contributor to Emerging from Broken, Shanyn Silinski from “the Scarred Seeker” blog sharing with my readers today on the topic of Betrayal. Please help me welcome Shanyn and as always, please feel free to contribute your comments and feedback in the comments section of this blog post. ~ Darlene Ouimet, founder of Emerging from Broken
Betrayal and Reflections of Betrayal by Shanyn Silinski
I’m floating in a pool. There is a waterfall feeding it and a dark cave with an underground stream that leaves it. The sides are high, slippery and covered in just out of reach hand holds. A face looks down and says, “If you try harder you can get out.” I jump, I try to climb. I try to do it their way. I fall back into the pool. Exhausted. I’m ready to give up. I’m ready to admit I cannot do it. I cannot do what they want, be what they want. I’m a failure. I drift away from the sides and I hear a bird, it is flying closer to the water, and it seems to say to me, ”if you can get through the dark cave you can be free”
I look up, and tell them I’m going to try. I’m told, “do it our way or you’ll fail” Failure is assured because I’m not trying and failing their way. The risk of success without them is Read More→
To Confront or not to Confront; that is the Question
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There have been some interesting discussions here in the comments this week on EFB about whether or not to confront abusers. There are a lot of factors to consider. Confronting an abuser isn’t an easy decision. Many people think that this should be easy but there are dynamics that most people don’t consider. When a family member is the abuser, it may be even harder.
People wonder why survivors of abuse are concerned with “hurting” the abuser. I think that the history of the relationship has to be considered in order to understand that fear. As children we were taught to submit to adults, and to always consider their feelings and never consider our own. We carry this training/grooming with us as we grow up.
My motive for any type of confrontation is for self healing. MINE. But there was a lot of fear. I had to really look at why I was afraid to hurt their feelings and I had to figure out why I was afraid to say anything. Did I feel the need to protect “them”? Why was I so concerned with Read More→
The Purpose of facing the Past and Childhood History
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In my blog post “Take the good with the Bad or the Bad with the Good?” I talked about my feelings regarding not sharing anything positive about my childhood. The post itself was inspired by a reader on facebook who commented that the conversation was too negative and that I/we should be able to say something good, specifically about my father.
It got me to thinking about what emerging from broken is all about. EFB is about emotional healing from the damage caused by people who did not have my best interests at heart. This site is about facing the truth that we have never been allowed to face, such as childhood history; how we were discounted, mistreated, devalued and not heard and the problems that manifested because of those things. Emerging from broken is about the process I went through as an adult. It’s about how I found my voice and Read More→
