Oct
09

Breaking Through the Fear of Speaking About Child Abuse by Kylie Devi

By

I am pleased to welcome Kylie Devi back to Emerging from Broken. In January of 2012, Kylie wrote a guest post about having been sexually abused as a child and how much trouble she had getting professional help dealing with it. There were some unforeseen results due to her sharing this information however and this new post is about her abusers confronting her about that blog post and her reaction to that confrontation; how it froze her and how she got through it. It will be helpful for you to get the whole picture by reading her original blog post first. Please help me welcome Kylie back! ~ Darlene

 

stop the silence about child abuse

Kylie Devi

Breaking Through the Fear of Speaking About Child Abuse by Kylie Devi

In January of this year, I wrote a blog post sharing my experience with the “get better industry.” I shared how I felt that traditional psychology and social work failed me when I really needed it. And how I pulled myself out of the trenches of the horrors of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse as well as a ten year battle with drug addiction.

The belief I shared is that any industry designed to help me “get better” is only going to thrive when I don’t get better. An example of this is that the medical industry doesn’t thrive when nobody is sick, seeing doctors, or buying pharmaceuticals. Therefore, they are invested in people being sick. Make sense?

My main purpose for sharing this blog post was to reach out and say, hey, we all have our own unique path to healing… and it’s really awesome when we can share with each other too. For me, both of these are implicit – we have to do the work ourselves, but it is so powerful when we can participate in communities full of people who are also “doing the work.”

I do believe it was received that way by many people who read it, but there were some other people who weren’t too excited about what I had to say.

In February, I got a phone call from my main abuser saying: “I read your little blog post, what are you doing? Trying to get attention? Who abused you, and why am I hearing about it in this way?”

(I would like to say that “your little blog post” was kind of comedic to me, since this is a highly trafficked website that has helped thousands of people.)

And then 3 more phone calls from my other main abuser.

Phone Call 1: “Kylie, we got a phone call today about your blog post. Someone in the family has read it and we really need to know what is happening and what is going on here. It’s really obvious that you are accusing someone in the family of sexually abusing you and since we know that isn’t true we just want to find out what is going on with you.”

Phone Call 2: “Kylie, one of your aunts has read the blog post and she can’t sleep. She hasn’t been able to sleep in 3 nights. She is so upset.”

Phone Call 3: “Kylie, one of your uncles has read the blog post and now he is wanting to beat up the person you accused in your article.”

Kylie: “I am really sorry for all the drama this is causing for you. I genuinely was trying to help people. I do whatever I can to help people heal from what I have overcome and been through. I had no idea it would cause anyone else any stress or pain. I was very conscientious not to point any specific fingers, so I’m not sure why people are making these assumptions about who abused me.”

What?!?!

Yes, I really said this.

And here are the truths that I derived from this series of phone calls that catalyzed a frozen, scared 5 year old girl paralysis within me.

So much that I actually stopped working on a book on overcoming sexual trauma that I have been working on for over 10 years. I stopped commenting on EFB and OSA Facebook pages and sites. I stopped offering the recovery-based courses that women were participating in with life-changing results.

In short, I stopped speaking my truth.

I silenced myself.

Truth #1: A part of me was still terrified of my abusers.

Truth #2: I was disconnecting from my own truth to protect them, STILL.

Truth #3: I felt like I had done something wrong by speaking my truth in a public forum.

And it was another survivor’s writing that woke me up to this.

On July 8th Christina Enevoldson of Overcoming Sexual Abuse published the following post

The Truth About My Abusers Threats

What really moved me about this post was that Christina identified the part of her that was still afraid, the child or voice inside that had been groomed to respond with fear… but that in identifying that voice inside, she also saw the reality of her adulthood, of her responsibility in her own life, about her desire to speak the truth, and how no one can stop that. She was bold and brave in the face of fear and threats. She had taken back her power from these people. Or at least, this is how I interpreted what she wrote.

I literally stopped in my tracks when I read that post. 

Once I realized what I was doing, I decided that it was time to reassess my recovery process and get a little extra support, and so I did that. I started posting much more heavily on all the recovery forums online because I needed that. I started working with Darlene doing some coaching to work on the very specific blocks I was experiencing. This helped me to see EXACTLY where I was at, so I could make recovery and life affirming choices from a space of self-love and self-care rather than from reactivity to the genuine shock I felt when I realized what I was doing to myself.

And in that process I realized I had done so much work, and in doing that work it was really time to confront the abusers and stop pretending like that they have some kind of mystical power over my life. I didn’t want to be in the grips of fear anymore.

So I did.

I do not believe this is a necessary step for everyone’s healing, and I would definitely say if you are going to do something like this have A LOT of support.

What I learned about myself in this process:

  • ·         I do not exist for anyone else’s pleasure, I am not another’s property.
  • ·         I have the right to speak my truth, at any time, in any situation. There is no time or place where it is not okay, or not permissible, for me to speak what is true for me, as I had been groomed to believe.
  • ·         My levels of self-love and self-care are not influenced by what others think of me. I love myself and I will provide care and protection to myself. The child in me needed that from another, but I am capable of providing what I need, even if that need means needing something from somebody else. I am interdependent and dependable.
  • ·         Other people’s emotions are not mine to take care of. I am not responsible for my abusers’ horrible feelings and beliefs about themselves. I did NOT do that to them. It was not my fault.
  • ·         I am not internally flawed. I have shortcomings, and when I become aware of these shortcomings, I can transform them into a higher level of relating with myself and the world. 

I realized that in beginning to speak about my abuse in an even more public way than ever before, I was making major strides in my own recovery. And when the abusers saw that happening, part of their abuser identity began to crumble.

“We can’t control her anymore! Who are we, then?”

I don’t know who they are with or without abusing me, and it doesn’t matter. I know that my identity no longer exists inside of the abuse box that they created, the one I had no other choice but to live in as a child.

Just like the medical industry literally fuels itself with disease, the abusive system also requires a certain fuel. This mostly consists of me giving my power away, of me believing limiting thoughts about who I am…

Things like “I am not loveable,” “I am powerless,” “I have no voice,” “My voice is not important,” “I have no right to speak,” “Nobody believes me anyways,” “I deserved it…” these beliefs fuel the system.

But the worst one for me was the one I discovered in this process, that Christina also shared overcoming….

“I’m going to get in trouble if I tell.”

What does trouble look like now that I am a 33 year-old woman?

It could look like legal battles. It could look like some kind of harm done to me. I realize that someone who would harm a child is not above retaliation.

But I am not a child anymore. I have resources. I have the ability to keep myself safe. And I for one, am not willing to be silenced again. My life story is a powerful stand that anyone can heal from trauma and addiction and live a meaningful, enriching life contributing value to the lives of others.

No one can stop me from being that story. No one can stop me from telling you that story.

I’m not shutting up any time soon.

Kylie Devi

Please share your thoughts, reactions, feelings and comments with Kylie and the EFB community.

Bio: Kylie Devi is a writer, healing artist and internet marketer who is passionate about mental, emotional, political and spiritual freedom. You can connect with her at www.facebook.com/kyliedevi if you care about any of the aforementioned things.

Related Posts ~dysfunctional family law and family belief system

~ sexual harassment and freezing in fear

Categories : Freedom & Wholeness

85 Comments

1

[…] NOTE: Kylie has written a follow up post ~ Breaking through the Fear of Speaking about Child Abuse […]

2

You go, Kylie!!! You are so brave and such an inspiration. Just reading your thoughts has moved me further in my journey. It can be so hard to tell the truth. Currently, I am trying to stand up for myself in the midst of my mother’s belittling comments. Will succeed one day in not be paralyzed when she “zings” me. You, my friend, are a superhero- Kylie, the lioness. Thanks so much.

3

Hi Kylie

I am really excited to have this ‘follow up’ post on; welcome back and thank you for sharing all of this here.

I love how you have highlighted the reactions of the abusers, and then your reactions to them. There is so much revealed about how the cycle of abuse works and the reasons why the silence is kept for so long in the first place. We are groomed to fear, groomed to doubt ourselves and our truth and groomed to doubt or rights as human beings. We have the right to expose crimes against children.

From the first email from one of your abusers there was that old pull and the expectation of ‘respect and control’ was so evident with the phrase “I read your little blog post” ~ I thought this was such a demeaning and devaluing way to address the fact that you were talking about what happened in your childhood. And even more interesting was the fact that your original post was about seeking help and not at all about anything specific pointing any fingers at any one person.

I love these lines in your post~ “Just like the medical industry literally fuels itself with disease, the abusive system also requires a certain fuel. This mostly consists of me giving my power away, of me believing limiting thoughts about who I am…
Things like “I am not loveable,” “I am powerless,” “I have no voice,” “My voice is not important,” “I have no right to speak,” “Nobody believes me anyways,” “I deserved it…” these beliefs fuel the system.”

And this line is my very fav. “ BUT I AM NOT A CHILD ANYMORE”
Yes. I empowered myself for at least a year with that same statement.

This post is PACKED with great information and insight into how the dysfunctional system of abuse and misuse of power and control works to keep vicitms thinking like victims and in the fear of speaking.

Thank you so much for sharing your journey Kylie!
I am looking forward to the conversation on this one!

Hugs, Darlene

4

Thanks Darlene! It’s always an honor to be able to share my process with your incredible readership 🙂

I appreciate your insight and of course you were a part of this process in my life, so thank you so much for everything you have done for me and for every life you touch on a daily basis.

It is true that I was not trying to point fingers in that first post, and yes, a total “truth leak” as you like to say that the reaction was so pointed in that direction, or focused on “blame,” when that wasn’t my point at all…

I would be a total liar if I said I didn’t have anxiety or fear about sharing this today… but what I admire the most in the recovery community is when people don’t pretend. I have come a long way on the healing journey, and I have miles ahead to walk as well. So here I am as a testament to the fact that anyone who has struggled with addiction and abuse can recover and fully, and the fullness of that recovery will be determined by the degree that they are willing to take responsibility for their process. And at the same time, if I pretended that that meant I never experience fear or anxiety about things such as sharing my story in public, knowing it could lead to further attack or aggression (and it probably will)… then I would be lying to you all.

I am experiencing anxiety about this… but today I am a woman of integrity and honesty and my life is about serving and helping others to heal by being transparent. I am not a “healer” but how I choose to help is to put out there as much as possible what I have been through and how I overcame it. Others can take from it what they can. And that’s an awesome thing.

You rock & hugs to you too 🙂

Kylie

5

My first thought after reading this blog was Wow! Thanks so much for sharing. Abusers always fear the truth. I applaud you!

6

Yano a theme that I have been working with in my practice this week is ‘recognizing the past karma for what it is and overcoming it with enlightened awareness’ .. Jesus said “If someone strikes you on the left cheek withhold not from him even the right”.. Meaning that all that we experience is a trial from God, and simultaneously related to our own personal journey and karma.. And this is exactly why it’s so important that you brought this out into the light so that it can be resolved .. Try to maintain your grace and remember to not ‘dive into the river of water, but dive into the river of fire.. because the river of fire is actually water, and the river of water is actually fire’.. Just trying to pacify everything or to go with our same old approach is not enough, these experiences are meant to give us the tools we need to explode through our limitations and fears and barriers.. Good luck and Godspeed!

7

Kylie,
I’m so glad to see this new guest post!

I know I don’t really know you, but you’ve been in my thoughts for some time now. I read your guest post in January and found it insightful and helpful. I could relate in so many ways. Being raped as a child, being a recovered alcoholic, spending too much of my life in and out of therapy that mostly didn’t help and sometimes devastated me further. I “liked” your FB page soon after that and watched as your FB posts faded.

I didn’t know why, but I assumed you were going through something difficult. Again, I can relate. When I started simply sharing articles about child sexual abuse and blog posts from OSA, my family started going bananas. I then wrote a small note telling all of my facebook friends that I had been abused as a child (without saying who my abuser was) and included statistics and links to supportive websites in case anyone I knew had been through something similar and was suffering alone. I wanted them to know that this happens to so many people, we really aren’t alone and we truly don’t have to keep our abusers secrets for them any longer.

My main abuser, my father, essentially said the same thing your main abuser said… “What are you doing? It is foolish to air your dirty laundry out like this. Tell me who abused you so that I can take care of this. Then you can keep this in the past where it belongs and forgive. That’s what is best for you.” DISGUSTING!

Ultimately, I told some people in my family that he was my abuser. I told those who have children, children who spend nights in my parent’s house. And I told my mother and brother, the two people I thought I had the most phenomenal genuine relationships with, the two people in the world I thought would believe and support me. I was wrong. After disclosing chaos ensued.

My aunt called and asked why I was trying to destroy my parents lives. Her daughter messaged me and said her sister was distraught, disturbed, depressed because of my accusations. My abuser father contacted me to inform me that I was terrorizing my mother.

This may change at some point, but I don’t feel a need to confront my abuser. He knows what he did. There is nothing I can ever say to make him know or understand how his actions then and now devastated me. He’ll never know the depth of the pit he left me to climb out of alone. He’s a liar. He’s twisted. There is no point. I wrote him a letter as part of my own healing. I won’t think I will ever send. I’ve cut him and all of his supporters out of my life completely.

I feel strong, but I also feel so much of what you describe in this post. I also silenced myself after hearing what my family had to say about me telling the truth. Your words here are so important and inspirational. Thank you for your courage!

8

Hi! Great read! great to hear there are others fighting the good fight.

My deep sympathies and admiration go to you, for overcoming what you have.

🙂

9

Thank you Judy 🙂 And James…

@Juan… I also appreciate your sentiments… I definitely don’t want to encourage sympathy because I don’t experience myself as a victim today. I don’t want to discourage your positive and encouraging sentiments, I feel it is important to make that distinction though.

10

Nikki – You are a powerful stand for truth in your life and your immediate community and I so appreciate that… Thank you!!!

You sharing with me what you have really affirms that the work I am doing in writing and being honest is definitely what I want to be doing, regardless of others reactions!

We have to do so much work to get to the place where we can even confront our abusers. And then what? It opens up a whole new deeper level of healing. So I am glad we are opening this dialogue and offering support to each other.

🙂 Kylie

11

I am in tears. I was abused – sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally – in my childhood, to the point where I had no self-esteem, even though I am intelligent, smart, and very creative. I have been through 3 marriages where I gravitated towards men who were like my abuser (father) and the marriages ended up in shambles, with me being deeper and deeper in a pit. I have overcome much in my life, from raising three daughters with no financial support, putting myself through college and graduating at age 45, moving out of government housing and off food stamps to become totally self-sufficient…now I am an art teacher and an accomplished musician and I financially profit from both.

I recently moved back into my little hometown in a rural community. No one knows of the abuse my brother and I suffered as children…everyone thought we were a ‘perfect’ family. What they didn’t know was that we were scared to death to be anything other than that. What really touched me about your post is that my family denies any abuse ever happened…my grandmother tells me I am crazy – that my dad put a house over my head, food on the table, etc etc and I should be grateful. But the truth is…that scared little girl is still on the inside of me and in a sense, still rules my decision making. I don’t know if I will EVER be able to confront my father. I have been in counseling too – some of which was very helpful and put me on a road to recovery. I have stalled though; and I don’t know what to do to jumpstart myself. I still have a long way to go – but I know I have to make peace with the little girl inside me.

12

Wow, Kylie,

I am so proud of you and inspired by you. I experience you as courageous, powerful, and willing to help the world heal by telling the truth of your process. I support you completely and I want you to know that you have given me the inspiration to write about my child abuse. I have been “sitting on” a book I have wanted to write for years, but have been afraid to give the whole truth because I have actually made peace with my abuser today. This is the most important part of the story, yet, I feel afraid that I may hurt this person in sharing my journey of recovery from child abuse. Your willingness to share your truth has given me the courage to share mine. Thank you.

I love and support you,
Jai Maa

13

Jai Maa,

I am so honored that you have shared that with me and that my process of opening up and sharing has helped move your creativity through a fear space.

You have been an unbelievable force for healing in my life and in the life of so many that I am truly touched to have been of service to you in any way.

It’s been a helluva journey, right? And I am so grateful to have you as one of my best friend sister types. You are such a powerful testament to healing and you did it in the same way as me – basically, never ever ever giving up and fighting like a manic warrior goddess haha! Love you girl.

I can’t wait to read your book and i will help you in any way that I can to get it out there loud and proud. Thanks for being you!!!

k

14

Debby,

First of all I want to say I am so grateful that you are in tears because the power of being able to feel what we are feeling WHILE we are feeling it is the greatest (or one of the greatest) gifts of doing this work! That’s AWEsome!

I love that you brought up the point of being intelligent, smart and creative and because of abuse tending towards destruction. I can SO RELATE to that. I was always really smart and in highschool I started getting Ds and Fs and being drunk in class. I am so grateful that I managed to pull myself out of that downward spiral and that you have also.

I am really inspired by what you have been able to accomplish! You deserve the life you want.

Most abusers will deny abuse and that’s why I felt I had to write this. We are so not the crazy ones! Its such an abuser story to tell us to be grateful for what they have done for us or given us and completely turn the other cheek when it comes to accepting any responsibility. And for me freedom comes from accepting responsibility. I know that I have hurt a lot of people in my life and I admit that.

That little girl has so much to say and making peace with her will set you free!!!

15

Hi Ann, thanks for sharing where you are at! YOU are the superhero! Much Love, Kylie

16

Good for you.

My mother lost custody of me when I was three and a half, in a Southern state, to my Navy (though remarried) father. Shouldn’t have happened–but did. To this day no one will tell me exactly what she “admitted to” that “cut her own throat” before the judge. I know neglect was involved but not what all else, and I have almost zero memories before age four.

We’ve had an off and on relationship ever since. This culminated in my maternal grandmother’s death in May 2011 of which no one advised me, not even a maternal cousin of mine who was on Facebook and who posted about her new baby after Mawmaw’s death occurred.

I got angry, I posted about my anger on a blog I was keeping at the time, and then I got an angry letter from my mother about all the awful mean things I’d said. (I assume my ex-MIL printed off my blog post and sent it to her, since my mother’s not Net-savvy–but that’s another story that doesn’t go here.)

Oh no she din’t.

I wrote her back and listed book, chapter, and verse on all the messed-up stuff she has done to me my entire life. I mean I really let it fly at her. All the things I’d never had the guts to bring up to her, because I’d rather have a flawed relationship with her than none at all.

I guess she either read it or tore it up unopened, since it was never returned to me. I haven’t heard from her since.

And that’s fine. I regret that my daughter will probably never know her maternal grandmother–but if Mom would rather s?!t on me than face the facts and straighten up, I guess I didn’t need a mom anyway.

And that’s the facts I *know.* Ceiling Cat only knows what else she’s having to live with. I don’t envy her at all.

17

Kylie, Thank you for this wonderful post. I relate to it on so many levels that I know I can’t comment on all of them. I’m grateful for your bravery and determination to not be silenced. People get away with sexual abuse because society works so hard at silencing victims. I agree with you that we should be able to talk about the reality of our childhood and not be made to feel that we must protect people, both those who abused us and those who are embarrased to be related to an abuser or a victim. I hope that more victims find their voice and make people understand the full damage that sexually abusing a child causes. Jerry Sandusky’s sentence is a maximum of thirty years. He should have received a multiple life sentence, one for each child he raped. I know those little boys will be living with the personal damage he inflicted on them for the rest of their lives.

I was silenced for decades and I wonder, at times, if I will face legal reprocussions from speaking out. Because of what you’ve written and the courage it took to write it and keep on writing, I am emboldened to not back down, not sit down, and not shut-up. I know there is great power in the voices of victims. Our voices have the power to change people’s attitudes and make the sexual abuse of children more rare. Right now, I believe it is epidemic. People don’t like to talk about it or hear any details but it’s past time to bring this kind of abuse into the light. Every time I hear a Michael Jackson song on the radio, it makes me so angry. The children he hurt were silenced to protect an idol. His voice is the one that should of been silenced. I’m rambling…stay brave, Kylie. I know from experience that being about to shout from the rooftops the truth of what happened to me has been an important piece of helping me heal but I also, believe it does even more to help other victims and prevent others from being victimized. It’s important work that you are doing and you deserve a purple heart for fighting in what is a silent war against children.
Pam

Pam

18

Kylie, I loved your previous guest post. It’s very telling that these people lashed out at you for merely mentioning that you were abused. It speaks about their guilt, and how I’m sure they were threatened by your challenging the ‘get better’ industry and the idea that therapists are authority figures which the poor, lowly mentally ill population needs to shut up and listen to. I know that my own abusive family members all thought that way and would be horrified if they saw me standing up to that power structure; after all, if we can empower ourselves to go beyond that, then they might be next. While if we spent decades of our lives with therapists that only offered chimeras and false solutions, then the abusers would benefit a great deal.

It’s so great that you’ve posted this in the same space where they originally found your words and attacked you as a result. If they don’t like you talking about your life, your emotions and history, then they don’t have to read it, they don’t have to type your name into google or pursue whatever path that brought them here. Years ago when I had a website that didn’t even talk about abuse, my mother and other relatives wrote me angry letters about it, as if they owned me and I wasn’t allowed to express myself in any way which they disagreed with. It’s so important to cast away the control and intimidation they once used against us and break apart those old patterns.

19

Congratulations Kylie. You have done some major growing and healing to reach this place in your life. You have taken your power back from your abusers and they aren’t going to like that at all. Awareness of all that has happened to you in the past 9 months is the beginning. You have the strength and courage to stand up to anything that your abusers dish out to you.

What I find curious is that you didn’t mention any names in your first post but everyone that contacted you or was upset seemed to have some names in mind for who your abusers were. People aren’t as blind as they want us to believe when abuse of a child is involved. They are the ones who should be ashamed for their inactivity in protecting you as a child. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud and hold on to your voice. Recognise the fear that shut you down after the phone calls and know that with awareness it can lose its power over you. You are strong and you are courageous. Stand firm in your healing. You are worth it.

20

Dana,

I understand feeling conflicted about cutting off family ties and how that will effect other relationships, ie) your daughter. I am happy to know that you are standing up for yourself and doing what you know is right! I love that you brought up anger too, because it is something I was soooo uncomfortable with for so long! And we have that right, to be angry, thank you for the reminder and I wish you the best in your healing journey. It’s so awesome that you are here 🙂

Kylie

21

Pam…

I resonate with so much of what you shared!

“People get away with sexual abuse because society works so hard at silencing victims.”

Yep! Sure do… I wrote a 50 page paper on that in college, and it was SO intense, because the whole time I was researching and writing about “the politics of silence” I didn’t tell ANYONE about my abuse!!! The irony was… well, ironic.

And then you write:

“I was silenced for decades and I wonder, at times, if I will face legal reprocussions from speaking out.”

I had the same concern and I did some legal research as well as spoke to my lawyer friend, and with the information I gathered I realized I was pretty much okay, and even if I wasn’t I decided to not let that stop me. I am not afraid of persecution or prison. I dont believe its in my future but Im not willing to let it stop me from inspiring people such as yourself to believe in yourself even more and go even deeper with your healing process.

Thank you for your courage, honesty and vulnerability!

K

22

Caden,

Thanks! If you are the same Caden that has been writing about the same topics than I also want to say I really appreciate your writing and what you are sharing with the world. You are truly gifted… as we all are 🙂

In regards to…

“I know that my own abusive family members all thought that way and would be horrified if they saw me standing up to that power structure; after all, if we can empower ourselves to go beyond that, then they might be next”

I find this very poignant. I think most power structures, and people in them, are deathly afraid of exposure. At the same time (and I think you said something like this too in your blog post) I don’t do any of this for, or about them.

It’s about me and you and Patricia and Jai Maa and Darlene and everyone who is brave enough to say “Enough is enough of the bs…” I’m not playing the game anymore, I’m not willing to wear masks anymore. This is real, this is raw, its uncensored and its not going to stop until I die.

I think you are awesome.

k

23

Patricia,

I found that same thing curious! Darlene and I had a few good laughs (I think it was laughs, was it?) over that very same thing!

I am strong and courageous! Thanks for pointing that out. We all rock.

kylie

24

I was enthralled until I read up to Christina Enevoldson of Overcoming Sexual Abuse post “The Truth About My Abusers Threats”.
So what happened? Did you respond to the abusers again? Did you turn your back and walk away? I realize that the details were not posted and I’m not looking for lurid details but what is your specific stance as far as dealing with them if they call? Is this just a story that is unfolding? I guess I’m looking for follow-up.

25

Kylie,

I am moved by your journey in life, your wonderful outlook, the way you inspire other people and your most AWESOME personality!! I am inspired on your decision to share your experience in your own healing so that you may also help others with their healing. You are such a wonderful person Kylie you inspire me to be a better person! Love you lots!!

Tricia

26

Hiya Bipolar Bear! Great to hear your perspective, that there is a bit of plot missing for you…

After the blog post reference to Christina’s blog post (which was awesome) I wrote about confronting my abusers. That was the action that was taken after the realization was made. For me that consisted of writing a very detailed 4 page email that I sent. When it was responded to with denial, I decided not to engage in more conversation about it. So that is what happened.

It might not be as exciting as late night tv but it is my story 🙂

Kylie

27

Tricia! I love you too. You rock. You inspire me all the time. I am so glad we have shared our journeys with each other. Keep shining!!

28

I think you are very brave, and it inspires me to be brave too. I’ve long wanted to write a blog about my abuse and experiences, but have wondered (feared) what it would do to my family. Thank you.

29

Kylie – welcome back :). I am not on facebook anymore so you wont find me there again but i am still here ! Props to you for confronting your abusers. I know its not easy because I did it to my mother in person many years ago..she pretty much denied doing anything wrong of course and went right back into the victim role that she has played so well her whole life. She ended up blaming me for all of the problems in her marriage and told a caretaker that. I realized after that i would never get an apology from either of my parents or the cousin who sexually abused me because he “has a disease” according to his parents.

Its good to hear you are working on your book again. we need books from survivors. Former boxing champ Sugar Ray Leonard came out with a book about his experience from surviving sexual abuse by one of his trainers, when he was a teenager. He said he wrote the book for himself to help himself through the healing process.

Healing is an incredibly hard journey. Some days it consumes me. Some days i can barely get out of bed from the immense hurt and pain.

You are so right about the medical community not wanting us to get well. I am off anti-depressants for the first time in 4 1/2 years..I actually found a nurse practitioner who was in favor of me getting off of them. She helped get me off of Effexor over the summer and go on Prozac and then i came off Prozac about a month ago with no side effects ! I still take something to help me sleep at night but now i feel everything that i held frozen for so long. The feeling part is very hard but i know its necessary to heal. I finally found a support group for men who were sexually abused as children that starts next month and i am now working with a counselor who specializes in treating sexual abuse survivors, for the first time ever.

One of the hardest things for me is knowing “how much do i need do share. What do i need to share. ” No one wants to listen to my story. Almost none of my friends and none of my wife’s family want to hear anything i have to say about being abused. No one encourages me to share anything. No one asks “how’s it going” or “how is your healing coming along.” Many people know but no one asks…so i dont share because no one ever wants to know. No one ever seems to care. I learned to be quiet as a little boy because i was terrified all the time. I lived in constant fear of both my parents, who were like atomic bombs that could explode anytime. So i just kept quiet and hid in my room or in the closet hoping no one would find me…there was no one to turn to. There was no one else around. No one ever asked how things were at home…no one ever cared that i was being abused pretty much every day…we live in a very conservative city where its taboo to talk about any of this stuff…none of the churches that we have gone to have offered any support at all. they have all ignored my requests for help…so we just ended up leaving…now we dont go anywhere. Its hard but i persevere.

anyway – thanks again for sharing your story Kylie ! I look forward to reading your book one day !!

hugs !

Dave

30

Kylie, So sorry for all you have been through. Some of my relatives to quote them “don’t believe a word of it”! Others were lied to that we were just out for attention and money and I am crazy. Funny when my sweet aunt and her daughter turned on Sally Jessy Raphael one morning and the Kathi on the show was their Kathi and she was talking about child sexual abuse and INCEST!!!!!!! Guess my old lady forgot to mention it or that dad was in jail and not Florida on vacation!
As for mental health providers the first one I had was a relapsing alcoholic who hated his mother and his wife! He wrote all kinds of stuff in my file that I did not tell him, but he testified against be at a civil trial (guess the pay was better), another therapist billed the crime victims, our insurance and us and our child. When I called her on it she zeroed our balance but made no offer to refund the thousands she got from us and it never occurred to me to ask. Another therapist my child was sent too was the creepiest guy I ever met and said if I didn’t leave her there and leave the building he would report me, her boy friend sat on the floor outside the door as the creep had no leverage with him. A sibling of mine had a th4erapist who said they would grow old together. She was making her mercedes paymants more than likely form how much she charges. When she finally got brave enough to quit after 10 years of therapy, and walked out she knows the large phone book was thrown at the door! Another creep was videoing females using his restroom and then watching the videos and masturbating to them. He caught caught when his office and home were raided and he committed suicide before they could charge him!!! I finally decided that when someone wants to really help me they do not charge $125 an hour! Child sexual abuse in Kitsap County WA as well as INCEST is rampant and not much it done! But we have to speak out about it and get a voice! I will never be as screwed up as any of them, EVER! I did spend 2 /12 weeks with a Clinical Psychologist from the UK and she gave me a clean bill of health and said I was a lovely very well adjusted person! You have inspired me to finish my book and I am 64 years old!!!!! Thanks!

31

Kathi,

Yay on sparking that desire to finish your book! I can’t wait to read it!!!

I hear you on all the rollercoaster rides with therapists and counselors. I have to say, I have had better luck with “coaches” as for some reason I have found people in the coaching world are also doing the work on themselves, though that is my experience…

Denial runs very deep and thick. I am glad you are not willing to be a part of that. Thanks for sharing yourself here!!!

kyliedevi

32

Hey Dave, thanks for writing!

One of my favorite performance pieces is by a spoken word artist is by a man called Saul Williams called “A Penny For Your Thoughts”

he says: “Fuck it. Ima keep speaking til my throat sores…” And I feel like that too.

For me though, its not something I would run around talking about to everyone (even though anyone with a internet connection can read this)… I speak because I have to but I dont bother speaking to people who dont or wont get it. It doesnt appeal to me. I have always sought out community, and healing based community at that. And that helps.

I am glad you are feeling again, and while I probably shoudnt say this because I am not a doctor, congrats on getting off the meds.

(maybe some people should take them, but if you want off and you got off successfully, than to that I say Rock on!)

Thanks for the book referral, I will check it out!

peas,

kylie

33

Tara,

And that is SO what they want you to be afraid of! It’s not our job to protect anyone who abused us. That was SO hard for me to understand. But I finally did. And it led to all of this. I feel so much better now. It may have disrupted their lives and they may hate me, but I AM FREE.

You rock!

Kylie

34

I relate. Oh, my word, I relate. I was abused as a child and wrote a book about it – available on Amazon – (Victory Over Violence). One thing I promised myself is that I will never, ever be silent about abuse. Now I am a pastor’s wife…….and let me tell you, abuse has abounded in this role in my life.

People think they can shun me, withhold their giving, ostracize and harass my children – even in public places – and even assault me in the foyer at church! While I live in victory over the abuse I received at the hands of my dad and brothers, I now deal with this awful abusive reality again, right in church. Their goal is to silence me so they can continue treating their pastor’s wife like she is a nobody. They want to keep using any pastor’s wife as a target and their stance is, she’d better get used to it and keep silent.

They bully. They gossip. They shun. They ostracize. They lie. They use cyber-bullying. The list goes on.

Your essay comforted me and assured me that I am not alone in wanting to be very vocal about my abuse, no matter what form it takes and no matter who is doing this to me.

Thanks for the opp to say something here.

Tricia

35

Hi Tricia,

People can be immensely cruel. I am sorry you continue to experience the result of human ignorance in the form of ignorant action and abuse.

You are strong and powerful and I really look forward to reading your book.

I am so grateful that you have experienced some comfort in my sharing on Darlene’s blog.

K:)

36

Dave, I’m really happy that you found a support group. I think being heard by people who can relate to what you’ve been through will be wonderful for you. You’re brave for sharing what you do with all of us ladies. I think about how hard that must be and I’m really glad you’ve found a group of men to work with. I’m encouraged for you!:0)

Pam

37

Kylie,
I agree (in your comment to Dave)that there are times when it makes more sense not to talk about the abuse we experienced. That was something that I learned in being able to set personal boundaries(that ability was taken from me, as a result the sexual abuse)that I could choose when to talk about my life and when not to. That was really the beginning of my breaking the silence. It’s like I was waiting for permission to talk about it. Waiting for some counselor or psychiatrist to ask me what my life was like as a teenager on the streets, alone. However, no one did. All they wanted to do was give me drugs. Of course, my family of origin never really, asked either. Their response was to do nothing when it was happening and then keep it covered in silence because of their negligent response. It was also, used as a means of controling me because I totally, saw it as all my fault, my deficit, my character flaws. I couldn’t talk about it for decades because I didn’t understand it well enough to talk about it. I had all the wrong labels for everything and it didn’t make sense because of that. I couldn’t understand my own behavior for decades because I buried it with a young girl’s understanding and no one asked or tried to talk to me about it. That kind of silence still brings up pain that I can’t express. It’s like the emotional neglect that I lived with as a small child. Silence, neglect, a big ‘nothing’, a black hole that destroys everything that comes near to it. It’s the worst part of my abuse and the hardest to talk about.

Pam

38

Hey Pam! Thanks for bringing that up. Personal boundaries in the healing process are so important. For me, it’s really about being “at choice” about my healing process and who I share it with. In some relationships it feels better to keep things professional or even surfacy, and in others it feels really empowering to connect on a deep level and be raw and real and engaged and proactive.

This sentence particularly struck me:

“I couldn’t talk about it for decades because I didn’t understand it well enough to talk about it.”

That’s how I felt for a lot of my life too.

And then one day the damn just burst.

Thank God!

Much love,

kylie

39

Kylie,
I’m SO happy for you that you’re confronting those lies and those people who have been so invalidating! I’m thrilled that my blog post was instrumental in that process. I love the EFB and OSA communities where we can share our journeys with each other and be inspired by each other.

The thing that stands out to me in your story and also in mine is that our abuser’s threats actually backfired on them and worked to our advantage. In my case, my mother’s letter led to me reporting my father for the sexual abuse. I don’t know if I EVER would have done that if she hadn’t threatened me. Her threats triggered those old fears, which showed me clearly exactly where the lies were coming from. Once I confronted those lies within myself, I became much more bold in standing up for myself and speaking the truth. That makes me laugh!

I’m excited about your journey and where it’s taking you. Let your voice ring out!

Love,
Christina

40

Kylie,
WOW you strong person. After 50 plus years of living with the abuse I suffered as a child, locked up in my innermost. I wonder if I had read about people like you I would have been able to heal quicker. I have only just started to read stories like yours and feel a common identity. Keep on blogging your honest truth. Living as a victim is so cruel, you have broken free of your evil perpetrators. It took me 5 long painful years to relive and write about my abuse. Then another 12 months before I let Kindle publish it. I could only have done it with the love showered on my by my wife of 6 years, Rachel. Wherever you go on your journey I am shouting for you and right behind you. I also am emerging from broken.
Chris Stewart, Author ‘A bird in a cage and a tin of paint’

41

Christina,

Thanks! I also love the EFB and OSA communities and how much I have personally benefitted not only from reading what you, Darlene, Patty and others have to say, as well as actively contributing. We don’t heal by hanging out in the shadows, right? It’s awesome 🙂

Yes, one day the threats stop working! I am glad you can laugh about it today, and that you are taking a powerful stand for yourself and others.

I also love how when your Mom wrote to you publicly on your birthday, an entire community of people came together to say that they know you are NOT lying. That was really moving for me to see and it helped me to feel more courageous, knowing that we are not alone and that others are wiling to show support.

You rock!

Much Love,

Kylie

42

Kylie, I found this blog via a Facebook link provided the group, Surviving Abuse. What a pleasure to meet you, if only in print. You have done what I am doing and what I’m almost desperate to have members of my own Facebook group and page do ie. COME OUT FROM UNDER. I feel healing can only happen if you face the past full on, and share your story with all who will listen and understand. There are far too many of us being abused. The victims need to know they are not alone. By sharing our stories, in our Facebook groups, our blogs, our books, we are helping who knows how many others heal. Maybe therapy works for some. I didn’t use it but today live a full, productive and happy life after 11 years of sexual abuse by my own biological father. But I never told anyone in my immediate family about it until he was finally off this earth. And even then, I waited another 10 years or so. Fortunately, my daughters, while shocked and saddened by my disclosure .. this was their grandfather I was telling them about … encouraged me to write my book. They are proud of me for coming out from under. So is my dear husband. It’s sad that so many of us don’t get that kind of support, but we have to talk and to hell with the abusers if they’re still around and threatened by what we reveal: did they care about the person or child they abused or raped? Why should we care about them now. We owe it to ourselves to take back the life they stole from us. Kudos to you Kylie for what you have achieved and the work you are now doing. I will be sharing your blog link too. Hope you’ll stop by and visit me at Vigaland: Coming Out From Under.

43

You are one of my new heroines, Kylie!!! Stay strong and know there are so many out here cheering you on!!

44

I like what you said Viga.

Hugs

45

Thanks Chris! That’s so great that you are here, that you have found truth and support and that you are loving yourself. 🙂

Kylie

46

Viga,

Thanks for sharing, I’m really moved by the support you are getting from your family members. That is profound…

I will definitely come and visit your group. Thanks for the info!

I appreciate everything you shared with me. Thank you for your encouragement, for taking the time to read my story and for being real.

Much Love,

Kylie

47

Hey Payne,

Thanks! So glad you are here!
I appreciate the cheers (I’m a Leo, lol)…

Much Love,

Kylie

48

Aurele,

Me too! 🙂

kd

49

Thanks Aurele for liking my comment.

50

Thanks Kylie. I look forward to you visiting my blog and my group at Facebook. Have messaged you from there too. Chat soon!

51

Hi Viga!
I did not receive a message there so if there is anything else you want to say to me, please re-send!

Much Love,
k

52

Kylie,

Not only has your site inspired me to reply to you……………I have today compiled my own web site that I hope can help and heal others.
https://abirdinacage.wordpress.com/

You have taught me how to fish and now I can feed myself and others for life.

Many many thanks

Chris Stewart

53

Chris Stewart:

amazing how such things trigger and inspire us to do the same. That’s how my blog came to life after I’d read about Patricia A. McKnight who wrote “My Justice” blew me away with her sad story of incest and sexual abuse.

Good luck with your blog. I’ll be reading it. I may even send folks over from my Facebook group and page to read some of your posts if I think they would be useful to them. If you ever get into cross-linking with other blogs, keep me in mind. I have a blogroll on my home page where I promote related blogs. Take at look at http://vigaland.blogspot.ca

Viga Boland

54

Chris,

That’s great! I look forward to hearing your healing adventures…

Much Love,

Kylie

55

Thanks Viga, I have visited your site and responded by e mail. Not clued up enough yet to understand what blogroll is!
Thanks Kylie, You have started me on another part of my long journey. Its comforting to know healing people are travelling with me.
Chris Stewart

56

Chris Stewart:

Thanks for visiting my blog site. The blogroll is a widget installed on my blog that allows me to list blogs I follow. It’s good for sending traffic from my blog to another’s blog. Not sure how you do it on WordPress. My blog is hosted by Blogger.

Chris as a victim/survivor of abuse, if you are on Facebook, I hope you’ll check out my page and group too. You’re welcome to join us. links above.

Best

Viga

57

[…] Breaking Through the Fear of Speaking About Child Abuse by Kylie Devi […]

58

Hi Everyone
Thanks again Kylie for your wonderful contribution to Emerging from Broken in this excellent guest post and healing conversation!

I have published a new post today and I answered some really popular questions from readers about “how did I become my own best friend?” I have also answered the questions “why do I look for validation outside of myself”?
You can read the new post here:

“On How to Become Your Own Best Friend”

Looking forward to the discussion on this one
Hugs, Darlene

59

Thanks Darlene! It’s always an enriching and supportive experience to share myself with your readers… Everyone else – thank you so much for taking the time to read and share this! If you connected to this post because you know me personally and didn’t know Emerging From Broken already, I sincerely encourage you to take some time to read the other posts and share your thoughts… the wisdom you will find here is off the charts!!!

60

All i can say is wow, I have been struggling to get some power back in my life for along time and i believe this has helped unravel some lies in my head. I feel stronger since reading ur post thank you for sharing the truth.

61

Thank you Katie for being here. You have what it takes to be a fully empowered woman. 🙂
Much Love,

Kylie

62

Hi Darlene and group,
I wanted to share what worked for me and why, it may help someone else.
If you google transactional analysis it will give you info on the parent, adult and child state we operate from . So, with that in mind, the negative tapes that play in our heads are invariably critical parent, and only our adult state can refute them. There are such things as mirror neurons , like when we hold a baby and mimic back to them their expressions etc … So, basically, we look into a mirror and refute the tape messages by saying the truth about us. Eg ..I am beautiful, I am worthy , whatever is the opposite to the internal tape …it actually, miraculously works and we can move on… It’s a hippothalmus part of the brain being activated ..hope this helps, and it’s amazing how many shiny surfaces are in the supermarket lol
Blessings Terri

63

Hi Terri
Welcome to emerging from broken!
I am really glad that this worked for you. I tried this for years (transactional analysis has been around for a very long time) but it didn’t work for me. My brian just didn’t believe me. I have written a lot in this blog about re-wireing the belief system through looking at the damage and the messages that I believed which casued me to believe that I was not beautiful or worthy in the first place and once I saw where the lies came from and had their roots, I was able to correct them. Then I was able to believe those affirmations and I didn’t have to keep repeating them because finding out why I believed them made it easier to see the lies they were. Prior to that it was as though my mind was laughing at me and calling me a liar.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene
(author of emerging from broken)

64

Hi Everyone
I have published a new post about passive abuse and how my mothers definition of LAZY got stuck in my belief system even though she never called me lazy! In this post I highlight a new way to look at the belief system and how it forms. Seeing this stuff is a big part of how I was set free from those false beliefs!
Here is the link! “Connecting the dots about passive abuse and the truth about lazy”
Hugs, Darlene

65

Thank you all so much for this discussion. I can’t believe it. As I have said before, I was the only one out of eight children to speak out, and I am sure I was not the only one to be abused. But I was the only who would not shut up. I was loud then and I am about to get louder now.

God give me grace and strength. I need you now.

66

Transactional Analysis didn’t work for me either, and added to the feeling ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? ALL THOSE BAD THINGS MUST BE TRUE!” Because just repeating things didn’t change anything, so this failure PROVED it all “must be true.” What a relief to read that I’m not crazy after all.

As Darlene wrote in comment #63, “My brain just didn’t believe me. I have written a lot in this blog about re-wiring the belief system through looking at the damage and the messages that I believed which caused me to believe that I was not beautiful or worthy in the first place and once I saw where the lies came from and had their roots, I was able to correct them.”

Then I was able to believe those affirmations and I didn’t have to keep repeating them because finding out why I believed them made it easier to see the lies they were. Prior to that it was as though my mind was laughing at me and calling me a liar.”

Amen.

I just had to recopy it all here. Amen. Amen. Amen. Can I get an Amen?

67

Hi Catherine,

Great to have you join the discussion!

I love how you said: “I was loud then and I am about to get louder now.
God give me grace and strength. I need you now.”

I appreciate and admire your courage and bravery!

Love,

Kylie

68

And yes, you can totally get an “Amen!!!”

69

Thank you Kylie..- glad you liked the line “I was loud then and I’m about to get louder.” That has stayed with me all day. Thank you for the encouragement too. It´s easy to say this but harder to do, but I am determined. One way or another, we will all find our way home.

And “A lie left unchallenged becomes the truth.” So that is where my battle lies.

My computer is being repaired so I won´t be writing much for awhile, but will keep up reading whenever I can. Gracias amiga!

70

This was inspiring to me. I started a blog a few years ago. Writing has been my “voice,” my way of expressing myself, and may way of working things out. I wrote about the emotional abuse I had suffered not only because I needed to be able to voice it, but also because I had felt alone in struggling with it and I wanted to encourage others that they were not alone.

Some of my family found my blog, and they were so angry! One sister, who recognizes that there was emotional abuse in our family but is so hungry for our Mom’s love that she ends up defending her, told me I wasn’t caring, and I shouldn’t write about my family because, after all, they are family. She “suggested” what I should write about and what I should not write about. She asked “How would you feel if any of us wrote about you on the Internet?” I replied that if they felt a need to write about me they were free to do so, but I wouldn’t be searching out their blogs or reading them.

I tried to keep writing, but I felt a sense of disloyalty to my family and wondered if I was terrible for writing about my experiences. I couldn’t keep writing a blog knowing they were reading so I deleted it. Needing to write, I started a new blog, but my family found that one too, so I deleted it and started a new one. I wrote for awhile, but I was discouraged, and felt vulnerable, and just didn’t have the strength to keep going. I didn’t know if what I did mattered or if I was wrong to write about my experiences so publicly. I also needed to gain a sense of safety in my life.

On a positive note, a couple of years ago, I found myself standing up to the manipulative abusers in life and walking away from them. That was a big step.

I respect you for having the strength to get back into writing, Kylie, and not being silenced.

71

Hi TJ!

Thanks for writing and sharing yourself here.

I think for me it’s really an ongoing process. Recently I was invited to do another guest blog and I was really excited about it, and I wrote it… and then I felt frozen because I got this trigger of “I’m being really disloyal to my family.” I was raised in an Italian NY household, where loyalty and respect are the #1 values. Obedience is #3 and love is #4. And I realize, those aren’t MY values. Definitely not obedience, and well, the other 3, yes, but not in that order.

I struggle between what I know is my true work in the world, to share myself openly to assist myself and others is revealing and healing from the sweeping violence that shames millions, if not billions into silence – and the desire to just have a calm, peaceful life without wondering if people will track down my work and what they will think about it. On different days I feel differently about it.

But what I do know for sure is that I will not be silenced out of fear any more. What’s true for me is what’s true for me, and in the midst of threats, denial and manipulation, that truth can’t be altered in my head anymore. I know what it is. And I will share it when I want to, in the ways that I CHOOSE TO. And that’s a big difference.

Be kind to yourself!

Kylie

72

A little bit of a rambling comment:

In my 20’s & 30’s I thought sharing my story would help others. Incest, physical violence and emotional abuse are abhorrent and difficult topics for most to ‘listen’ to, but if one person was helped because I told my story, I was doing ‘my job’. I learned that overall responses to this type of story range from disgust to rage, with poor reactions coming from relatives who I thought would support me (an my siblings). Over time, I began to believe that nothing good could come of this type of storytelling because all it did was conjure bad emotions with no answers for myself and other people (omitting lots here). I learned to use denial to cloak myself in ‘normal’ so I could be like everyone else and therefore be liked and acceptable to others. Everyone has problems, it’s all relative, right? Wrong. I learned that denial cannot be sustained for long periods of time, there is an eventual breakdown, sometimes small sometimes epic.

FYI: I did ‘my job’ initially in my 20′ by telling my story to a county prosecutor who figured we had a case through my sister’s statute of limitations. I waffle about telling the story as a result of that journey because, although he – my father – was prosecuted, the results weren’t as great as I imagined. Key word: Imagined. I have imagined restoration and forgiveness and wholeness for me and my family. That of course did not happen – not at all. Altruism and Idealism are amazing if you can live in those realms permanently. Unfortunately, I can’t. There are triggers. As much as I want to believe that as time creates distance between me & them and that I shouldn’t be affected, I am still subconsiously responding to tighty whities, feel uncomfortable sleeping in a night gown or wearing a robe, (or… it goes on and on). As I get older, the smallest of them cause me to feel trauma worse than the actual abuse. I know what I need therapy-wise and must take the steps (again -have done this before) to heal. Kylie, I relate to piecing together your own network of help and thank you for sharing because there are many like me who get discouraged by the disconnect with so many therapists – it’s exhausting to find the right one. When I started my journey in the late 80’s there was little out there to really help. Since then, there are so many improvements in therapy for sexual abuse survivors that it seems like we should be able to pick a therapist and go for it. Each survivor’s story is unique and the way one person heals, is different for another, etc.. I just hope for all of our hearts, minds and souls that we find Kylie’s ‘living on purpose’ to be a journey filled with more wholeness than misery.

73

Hi Lilysann
Welcome to Emerging from Broken.
Time is not what created distance from my triggers; it was realizing that lies attached to those triggers and to the events about the abuse in my life, that helped me to realize that none of that stuff was about me. The messages that I got from the trauma were all lies that needed to be overturned. Triggers for me became like clues that could lead me out of the darkness. I have written a lot in this site about all of this.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

74

Thank you, all, for your courage, insight, understanding, compassion, and eloquence.
I was abused by an Irish Christian Brother in the ’60s during high school. It wasn’t until 2008 that I allowed myself to consider it, to speak it aloud. And to do something with it. What that “something” is remains to be seen. It will probably take the form of writing, as that is what I do. I am a writer, and a hospice nurse. But writing it means that I will be fearless, and Lord knows, I am not that –yet.
Again, thank you all.
Thom

75

Hi Thom,

Good for you for making the decision to speak the abuse outloud!
I want to encourage you not to wait until you are “fearless” to write.
I am nowhere near fearless. I experienced fear when I published this writing.
Breaking through the fear is a continual process that has many levels.
You deserve to be heard.

Much Love,

Kylie

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[…] Breaking Through the Fear of Speaking About Child Abuse by Kylie Devi […]

77

[…] when some do finally tell all, like KYLIE DEVI, there is so often more abuse to face: those who ask “How could you tell all that!” […]

78

kylie- i have to tell you—-every time i even see the phone # of my abusers come up on my phone–im 50 years old—i get sick and start shaking–i go back to the feelings i had as a child growing up– it is hard to move on and be strong–without support from people like you and darlene!you give me strenght to do what i need to do to heal–every time you talk about a way you are moving forward you are giving others faith that they can do the same thing—you are never alone!!! i feel like—finally someone qwho understands how i feel -i dont feel alone anymore

thank you

79

I have tried a couple of times to take my abusers thru police system …… it caused me more harm because their power is too extended ….. but for me what speaks volumes is that from such a powerful position they have never attempted to accuse me of slander or libel ….. maybe it’s just me but if someone apparently told a ‘pack of lies’ about me i’d want to see them brought to justice to clear my name?

80

“ BUT I AM NOT A CHILD ANYMORE”

I now know I WILL success in whatever path I pursue

81

I find myself in the freeze box often. I freeze and have trouble responding when someone insults me. I freeze when someone raises their voice or acts irrational. I freeze when someone says something that shocks me. I know where the fear comes from. It’s the scared little girl who is afraid of getting hit, or put down, and worst of all, rejected if she doesn’t do what the other person wants.

I know I am not a child anymore. I know no one is going to hit me. But I still find myself freezing up in certain situations as described above. Why am I still reacting this way and how do I break out of the box? Awareness of why I froze as a child doesn’t seem to be enough. So I wonder, where am I stuck?

82

Amber, I’m stuck in “freeze” too. Trying to deal with that.

83

[…] “get over it” or “forgive and forget” and a whole host of other little sayings designed to make the victim feel bad about talking. And not just to feel bad about ‘talking’ about it, the victim ends up feeling bad […]

84

[…] Breaking Through the Fear of Speaking About Child Abuse by Kylie Devi […]

85

Where is the forum list of topics? Every time I go to post something it says page not found?

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