Betrayal and reflections of Betrayal by Shanyn Silinski


Emotional BetrayalI am excited to have guest blogger and frequent contributor to Emerging from Broken, Shanyn Silinski from “the Scarred Seeker” blog sharing with my readers today on the topic of Betrayal.  Please help me welcome Shanyn and as always, please feel free to contribute your comments and feedback in the comments section of this blog post.  ~ Darlene Ouimet, founder of Emerging from Broken

Betrayal and Reflections of Betrayal by Shanyn Silinski

I’m floating in a pool.  There is a waterfall feeding it and a dark cave with an underground stream that leaves it.  The sides are high, slippery and covered in just out of reach hand holds.  A face looks down and says, “If you try harder you can get out.”  I jump, I try to climb.  I try to do it their way.  I fall back into the pool. Exhausted.  I’m ready to give up.  I’m ready to admit I cannot do it. I cannot do what they want, be what they want. I’m a failure.  I drift away from the sides and I hear a bird, it is flying closer to the water, and it seems to say to me, ”if you can get through the dark cave you can be free”

I look up, and tell them I’m going to try.  I’m told, “do it our way or you’ll fail”  Failure is assured because I’m not trying and failing their way.  The risk of success without them is terrifying.  Death in this pool, with them not reaching further to get me, them not trying to pull me out, seems to be the only option.  I look at the cave and determine that it can’t be worse than death here.

I take a deep breath, and I let the water carry me.  The rocks bang and bruise me.  I think I’m going to burst from holding my breath.  Then as the water gets stronger and faster and I’m about to quit I feel myself drop into another pool.  One with sandy beaches, shady trees and many hands, reaching out to pull me from the water.  Reaching out to me.  Helping me.

If I had to make my healing journey so far into a mini movie it would be like this.  There are many levels of betrayal that we go through.  The two that have been the hardest for me were an old betrayal and a newer one.

There is a feeling I get when someone has stabbed me in the back.  It is a cold chill knowing that my trust has been ripped apart.  Trusting isn’t easy, opening up isn’t easy.  When someone teaches you to expect betrayal and then blames you for not trusting them life can be a confusing place.

Passive aggressive betrayers are the hardest to handle because they lure you in with their need and then they shank you with their need.  It’s like being thrown a life vest covered in steak while swimming in a shark pool.  It’s a supposed help and yet it is meant to destroy you.

Girls who stay out late get raped. They always ask for it.  I’d be so embarrassed if that happened to you.  It would destroy our reputation and you would be labeled forever.”

“If you stay out late and something bad happens don’t tell me because you asked for it. You had it coming.”

The lecture I got, coming back late not from being at a party but from looking for my younger sibling, slammed my mouth shut.  For years. I never told them that that night, looking to protect someone else, I was raped. People saw, people laughed at me for months.  High school can be hell. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, my word against his, theirs and I would have had it coming. I asked for it.  REALLY?  How in the world could I have asked for THAT?

Betrayal…knowing they want you to trust them so they can use what you trusted them with to hurt you. The lie: You can tell me anything.  The truth: anything you tell me can be used against you. Forever.

Looking back, with the clarity of healing hindsight, I see an enormous competition for attention, for control.  They didn’t hate each other because one was good and one was evil. They hated each other because they were in competition to see who could control the longest, the deepest, the slyest.

The times when I was told, I’ll help you were really times when ammunition was being gathered and the wonders of passive aggressive betrayal were being finely tuned.  I did not realize the manipulations between relationships that was going on.  None of those three women wanted any of their possessions talking to their other possessions.  We might find out things we weren’t supposed to know.  Keep us in conflict and apart. Always have someone to blame and always be ready to start a fight.

I know this because when I dove down into the healing waters, pushed through the dark I burst through to something unheard of and wonderful – PEACE.  Trust!  Breathing. I was able to see so much when I looked back, and understood more.

When it feels like someone is stabbing you in the back – trust that instinct! They may be stabbing you, and using the sweetest words and excuses you can find.  It’s all dipped in poison.  When you are healing even those who think they want to help may actually really need to control you and your healing. They aren’t happy when you can swim, walk or fly on your own.

The freedom of not having that in my life is amazing! Melissa Etheridge said it best, “Freedom is lonely but it is sweet.”  I don’t have their close knit family anymore.  But I am free! And free to heal, free to fly and free to be is the best place for me!

Shanyn Silinski

Shanyn Silinski is an outspoken survivor who writes, creates and lives life as fully as she can with her husband, son and the animals on their small ranch in Manitoba.  The author of a number of blogs, a book of poetry with two more in the works, Shanyn also sculpts, scrapbooks and loves having fun with photography. Please visit her recovery blog “The Scarred Seeker”

Related posts by Shanyn “want me need me and relationship dysfunction”

“Fuel on the fire: Anger”

Categories : Family



Trust is such a big issue for most if not all survivors of abuse especially when our abusers were our parents, the very people who were supposed to love and protect us. Trust and abandonment issues usually go hand in hand. Thanks Shanyn for writing this.


You are so right Patricia, trust is huge, and when we learn that our trust was misplaced or betrayed it makes it hard to trust ourselves and others. Thanks for coming and for your comment.



So much good stuff here. I like what you said about the lifejacket. I imagined a lifejacket that was really weighted down with lead. That’s how it was for me.

I also relate with what you said about “helpers” who really need to control your healing process. Wow. How terribly true that has been in my life and others that I have known. Even I was like that for a time. I learned to stop trying to direct everyone else’s lives (I’m sure I have room to grow here). I also learned that, with advice come expectations that you will take that advice and do it, or you can’t be friends any more. It’s a sad reality, but really important for the wounded to understand to avoid more wounding from well meaning, but misguided friends.

Thanks for the post. 🙂


Hi Shanyn

I can identify with the pain that you express in this post. Being told that if you stayed out late you would be accountable for bad things that would happen. Being told that all the evil in the world would be your own fault and being told not to bother telling about it if it happened because “if you did the wrong thing you will bring this “bad thing” on yourself, therefore deserving it” Being told that if you stay out late, don’t bother trying to find comfort in “them”. All those messages are so destructive. They all build a belief system that is filled with lies.

I love the imagery that you use in your writing style. Thank you again for guest posting here on Emerging from Broken and for sharing your healing journey with us!

Hugs, Darlene


Me experience. People stab you in the back, and when you confront them. They try to make you feel guilty for not trusting them. Putting the fault with you.

Most people are manipulative bastards. Don’t buy it.

I love your story. How you described your individuality and way of building confidence to do it your way.

For everyone counts: your way is the best way. Because you are you, and only you know what’s best for you.

Great post, Shanin.

When are you coming to guest post at my blog? 😛 I’m still waiting for that e-mail, you know. 🙂




I am smack dab in the middle of facing this reality about my own mother and family. I am finally learning to swim on my own for the first time. I’m tired of drowning and being weighed down by someone else’s false perceptions of me. I spent my entire life trying to please someone I can never please. It’s my life now and I’m going to LIVE it. Thanks for sharing!


Hi Shanyn,

I can relate to your post. I hate betrayal. There’s the sting of the betrayal, and then there’s that empty feeling of deserving it and being stupid to trust in the first place. What did I expect? I never feel like it’s the other persons fault, but rather that I am responsible for being treated that way. If only I was a better (perfect?) person then they wouldn’t treat me this way. Like you say, I’m playing by their rules so I can never win.

I live a very secretive life, and I am terrified of being vulnerable around people because of this fear that what they learn about me will be used against me – not once or twice, but I will be forever labelled by my mistakes or imperfections. That’s what I was taught as a child – there is no forgiveness, no redemption.

Shanyn, thank you for sharing this post, your writing is very powerful. I take strength from your words, and courage to start thinking about making my own rules, rather than living by the rules of others. (I don’t feel like I’m “allowed” to make my own rules or be my own person!) Reading about what happened to you and the way others treated you makes me want to reach out and hug you.


Thank you so much, Shanyn! I love your imagery & metaphors too. My mother constantly betrayed me – even as an adult & after I was divorced, she happily offered to my ex-husband her services for accompanying my 3 daughters to Greece, where he was living & working at the time. She never mentioned it to me or asked me about it – except in a very vague way – so much so that I didn’t GET IT. DECADES later a letter is found in my ex’s garage by my oldest daughter & SHE mentions to me that Nana would have taken them (she & her sisters) to Greece to visit DADDY. I was the bad guy. Yet Greece – in those days & years he was living there – was a very dangerous place & he “bragged” to our kids that he was on a “Communist Hit List”. My kids told me that when it was told to them. They were brimming w/PRIDE – DADDY-The-Undercover-Warrier”. He wasn’t a soldier, sailor – he wasn’t even in the service. He worked WITH the CIA but I didn’t know that then. I figured his “Hit list pride” came from creating electronic warfare “things”. But what mother would allow her children to leave the USA & travel to a place that was dangerous & the “DADDY” was on a HIT LIST? And my mother fuel the fire against me for her usual betrayal MODUS OPERANDI! That lasted for decades – I was to blame for not allowing them to have this priceless experience. But my mother betrayed me all the time for along as I can remember, as far back as I can remember.

My father did a twist on that: “If you stay out too late – you’ll get in trouble & I won’t help ypu. You have yourself to blame.”. He used to accuse ME of wanting to stay out later than 8:30 – 9:00, to do “BAD” things/Hanky-panky, he called it (this was at the beach where we lived for a month each summer)I didn’t even know what hanky-panky meant. I knew nothing about sex I was really a “GOOD GIRL” – I never did anything because I didn’t anything to do – but he accused me of so many things – most of which I didn’t have a clue. When at home, (not at the beach) I was not let out of the house to go to spots events or much of anything else – most of my pre-teen years & then when I was a full fledged teenager.

My mother always found a way to GROUND me/punish me for probably a fresh mouth, which was my only ly defense because SHE’D say awful things to me. I wasn’t “fresh” to my dad because he’d smack me off the side of the head or hit with his Japanese Stick, which was a medium size board. He got it in Japan during the war & he had it in his top bureau draw in his bedroom. That thing was painful. The head whacks were too.

Do you have any insights into WHY he’d blame me for never doing what he said I wanted to do? As I mentioned, I didn’t even know 3what he was talking about but it still made me feel ashamed – like I was some kind of a wanton bad seed kid. He sometimes said it when I worse something & I never was allowed to pick out my own clothes – my mother picked them all & they were DORKEY, at best. Not the least bit sexy. Plus I was so shy – part of that was fear of dissociation & Part of it was I was kept IN so much, I didn’t know how to act – I was afraid of everything. But I felt betrayed by my father for accusing me of things I never even thought about – mostly because I didn’t KNOW about them. It wasn’t until college – about junior year that I found out what “sex” really was.


I look at family betrayal and in some ways it still goes on. However my parents don’t press me when I seem in a bad mood….however my mom gets upset with me when I am upset about something else and it shows in my attitude and voice. I can tell her it has nothing to do with her and she will say to call back when I can treat her better. It makes me wonder what is going through her mind, knowing it was her father that sexually abused me on at least one occasion.
As far as others I have trusted with my parts of my life story, some have avoided me yet smile to my face. I also believe some have told others to keep me at arm’s length…enforcing my lonely existence. I believe in honesty and yet that is not always what I see. I would rather someone be honest with me even if it hurts than to find out they are lying to me. Of course if I confront then I am making it up “magical thinking” delusional…etc.
Some that I have been close to challenge me in good ways, yet have not heard me. I am just finding this out about the therapist I have seen for 16 years or so. Never mind we have agreed we have frustrated each other to no end. I am confused and without insurance I don’t have alot of options.


This one really hit home for me in a major way. For a myriad of reasons.

It brought up memories from high school. At a time not long after I told about my sexual abuse. I did not have any help for it yet, and the struggles I went through with friends when I had no comprehension of emotional boundaries or how to protect myself. When it came to friends who were ignorant about the abuses I suffered and had no idea of the genuine damage the passive aggressive tactics described in this post does to people. Especially those in survival mode and not yet in recovery.

It also hit home because of something more current. I started my healing journey for abuse 20 years ago. And just when I believe that I have dealt with an issue for the last time, it comes up again. Fortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve had to tackle this latest betrayal from my own mother, so although it knocked me down for a bit, my recovery time was far swifter. Thankful for all the recovery tools I’ve learned over the years and continue to learn.

And lastly, I found myself reading this and feeling ANGRY. Yes. ANGRY. Building a safe support group is NOT the easiest thing for survivors of abuse. And when we connect with new people, it would take far too long to share every detail of each others lives so everyone has the full scoop on past, present. Healing that has already taken place. Abuses that were endured IN so called healing environment that only ADD to the challenge in building NEW support groups. The triggers that happen all across the board. When either myself or others don’t know what the heck happened or why. It can be very confusing and exhausting.

I also get frustrated when I actually have a REALLY good day. And I share it. And instead of feeling supported for actually HAVING a good day. I sometimes feel shunned by others and get the impression that perhaps I’m not publicly ‘hemorrhaging’ enough to someone’s expectation or satisfaction. So I must be in ‘denial’. Or I’m being ‘weak’ because I’m not being publicly outspoken enough. And I don’t like that feeling. We all share differently. We all have different levels of comfort when sharing publicly. Some for VERY good reasons. This does not automatically mean DENIAL. It may very well mean BOUNDARY PROTECTION and awareness of my environment.

Everyone is at a different place on their journey. Going through different things along the way. And even during cycles and periods where things get re-opened. It IS possible to still have genuinely REAL and GOOD days. I really wish it was celebrated and accepted more.

Thanks for listening. Loved this post. It meant a great deal to me for multiple reasons.


Hi Shanyn

I really don’t understand this post too well and didn’t want to not comment because I want to support anyone who blogs but I am not really quite sure I understand betrayal or how it fits into my trauma or victimization. .Other than I put all my trust in those who should have loved, nutured and cared for me . and the opposite was done . I was hated, pushed away.. literally, and not cared for in so many ways. Then The church who I trusted to heal my brokenness..to rescue me from the ones who pushed me so close to death .. not only turned a blind eye but told my abusers what i had said and earned me another dose of abuse.. Other than that I am not too sure I understand the betrayal idea.. since I don’t use the word often ..I am sorry if my response isn’t what it should be but I really don’t understand .. i think .. betrayal in my life other than trust was not honored but turned upside down and rewarded with the opposite of all I ever hoped for.

I don’t know why but I am not able to tell if someone is going to “stab me in the back” until they have .. I have trusted lots of people and only find out how they are after they have hurt me. I am still needing to learn this discerning proces..




I’m so amazed and blessed by all you being here to read this post, and that you took the time to comment. I’ll be responding to each one, if not all right now, as soon as I can.

Joy – thank you for your post. I understand that we aren’t all in a place where a post fits for us or makes sense, but I so appreciate you sharing your support of the posts here, and else where. It took me a very long time to be discerning and understand that sometimes being betrayed is very sneaky and at other times it is quite ‘in your face’. Either way it hurts!

Tender Hope – oh how I related to your comment. Very much so. It can be so hard when we are working so hard to heal to keep and build boundaries, have supportive people around us and to be able to celebrate the good days without feeling like we need to defend them or feel bad for something. I truly heard you and I have a lot of empathy for you! I celebrate that good day with you! I hope you have more.

Sojourner – thank you for your comment, sounds like there is a lot going on. When we can say, “It’s not you, I’ll call you later” that is huge! I find it very freeing to not be obligated to keep going on a conversation that is becoming frustrating. Challenges with relationships are something I face it seems continually 🙂 but I believe when we see what is behind the frustration (for example) it gives us a chance to make changes.

Susan – thanks for sharing, it is a complicated place when we are in families that pull us this way and that. Especially when there is no reason that can be seen or understood. My parents wanted two things – for me not to make their mistakes and to do the things they didn’t do so they could have what they wanted through me. It was so confusing! My own experiences, because that is all I can really speak to, have left me feeling that they thought to ‘scare us straight’ because they didn’t really know us at all. They had an idea of what we ‘could’ be and what we ‘shouldn’t’ be but no clue as to what we really were. The games people play can mess with us in bad ways, especially when we don’t realize until later we were being played with!

Carolyn – (hugs you) your post really touched me! I feel that way some days way too often! Making a mistake used to mean I was proving them right, I was somehow fundamentally defective, broken and deserving of whatever treatment I got. How wrong! How much of our joy is stolen when we let someone have that power. Taking our power back, being right or wrong, but at least doing it knowing the world won’t end (it seems stable so far!) if we choose for us is powerful stuff. I have a hard time opening up because I’ve learned the less I share the less they can use to hurt me with. Sometimes when I hit ‘post’ on a blog I am so scared. I have to trust that in sharing my hurt and my healing that I’m opening up and hopefully helping someone. Many hugs!

Karen – you go! Your comment reminded me of the Bon Jovi song, “It’s my life!”…thank you for sharing. I’m encouraged by your words.

ProzacBlogger – thanks for coming by and sharing! I’m encouraged by your words. I’ll send that email soon 🙂 and we’ll figure something out! Great to see you here.

Darlene – thanks for having me! It is an honour to be a guest poster on this amazing blog!

Kellie – I love your observations! You are so right, it is sometimes very complicated when there is helping and hurting happening at similar times, sometimes from the same people.

Thank you all for coming by and posting!


shanyn, you misunderstood. I will say to my mom “it’s not you” if I am frustrated or feeling upset about something but she will tell me to call back, hanging up and making things worse. I usually don’t call back.


Sojourner – you are right, I did misunderstand. Sorry about that! I have a hard time calling back when something like that happens as well. It feels very invalidating when someone does that and it hurts. I feel like, when they hang up, that they are not just hanging up the phone on a single conversation, but on me as a whole person. Thank you for correcting me 🙂



The things I publicly share are not generally geared around anything negative or gory, mainly because of the dynamics of my ‘audience’ and connections. A mixture of business, alumni, friends, acquaintances, family, etc. So when I have really bad days. It’s not something I publicly post about. I either share it in private with people I trust. Or if no one is available, I work through things as best as I can on my own. Journaling. BREATHING. Or I whip out some inspirational dvds. AND…plenty of cry my eyes out sessions when things build up or something happens. But just because I’m not publicly announcing those things doesn’t meant I’m in ‘denial’. Or that I don’t need support or help. TRUST is a big factor in asking for help. It’s not always about denial.

So when I do publicly share because in the midst of a series of BAD days, I happen to have a GOOD day. I’m really relieved to finally have that good day. Feel blessed when for whatever reason, I get a reprieve from that gut-twisting ache and anxiety that happens when something gets re-opened or triggered. Those days mean the world to me. And when I share a good day,it doesn’t mean I wasn’t experiencing my own private hell for several days prior.

Anyway, thanks again for such a great post and your feedback. 🙂


Boy do I know that one Shanyn; that feeling of “I trusted you” and knowing that once again I’d become the scapegoat to those who needed me to be “less than” in order for them to be “more than”. Learning to overcome this was challenging but learning to live beyond being that perpetual victim to others meant learning to trust myself and trust that I knew the difference between asking for help and depending on others. When I was able to separate being dependent on others vs asking for help I was better prepared to stop putting myself in those kinds of unhealthy dynamics. The biggest issue for me has been learning to recognize the patterns of dependence, enabling and control tactics (let me take care of you then…them using that dependence to somehow hurt me) and step away from those unhealthy relationships sooner. The good side is that by doing this kind of work I’ve been able to also begin to see healthy dynamics and relationships where people truly are trustworthy and value my vulnerability vs using it to hurt me further. Great post, great topic Shanyn!


Hi Shanyn and all of the other commenters on this post!

Shanyn, your post and the comments inspired me to write a post about when the law in the family home is different than the law of the land. I just published it:

Everyone can read it here; Dysfunctional Family Law and Family belief systems

Looking forward to the conversation about this subject! Hugs, Darlene


TenderHeart – thank you for sharing again, I understand and am very much the same as you when I’m dealing with a bad day. Learning to reach out and find the right places and people for support has been a hard learning curve for me. I’m so glad to have found everyone in my support community here on line – they are amazing (and know who they are!).

Susan K – that is so true! Trusting ourselves and trusting that we can find the right choices and walk away from those who would use their ‘help’ to ‘hurt us’. Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.

Darlene – I saw a new post, it is really amazing how we inspire and support each other. A post can lead to another, a comment can bring up things and help us work them out or see things from a different angle. I’m off to read your new post!


Trust is like treasure and I guard mine. There are very few people in the world who have my full trust. I count them on one hand. It takes me at least, a year to feel that I’ve begun to know someone and I’m slow to think of someone as a true friend. I enjoy other people and also their company but I don’t put myself in the position of needing them emotionally. I am gregarious and friendly but I don’t allow people a place in my heart very often. I put very few in a position that makes it difficult for them to betray me. If I have a secret I keep it myself. I am very open about my life and that may lead some to believe that I am a trusting soul but there is a protection in having no secrets. In a way, my lack of trust is what drives me to keep my skeletons out in the sunshine and not in closets. I find protection from betrayal in living a life of truth.


I look at this kind of grooming from parents as a statement of: “We may look like your parents, but DON’T expect us to actually BE your parents.” WE will not protect, teach, guide, train, educate, etc., you until you are in control of your own life…you can count on us to avoid our responsibility every chance we get…


If I had to use one word to describe my parents that word would be, irresponsible.



Hi everyone,
I find that no matter how many years of therapy I have had I still strugle with people manipulating me. I still don’t know how to effectively confront and resolve it. One of my family members used my name to purchase something. When I went to purchase the same thing I was told I could not because only one was issued perperson. So I confronted the person they came across aggresively and didn’t even appologize for taking my choice away from me. They didn’t ask for permission, I had no knowledge of it. I felt cheated, and used. I feel wounded and feel as if im not worthy. Is this extreme? I can’t gauge my feelings. Other than I don’t feel good.


Pam – thanks for coming by and commenting, I really do understand what you are saying about trust. I have a point to which I trust everyone, and then that trust window gets narrower and narrower. Trust is a very hard thing for me. Your word for your parents is a good one, I think if I had to pick one for mine it would be ‘disconnected’.

Kate – thanks for being here and sharing. What you said is dead on, what they are doing is also dead wrong!

Renee – Manipulation is a huge misuse of trust and power. When we have people who supposedly care for us or are ‘family’ that use that relationship to manipulate us it is such a violation! What your family member did is terrible. Their response was really nasty and it breaks my heart.

You asked, “Is this extreme?” I cannot really answer that. My own responses to my feelings and reactions can be so skewed sometimes I can go from feeling confident and good to the basement of rotten in a snap. I believe when someone wounds us, then feeling wounded is a natural response. We are all worthy, and our worth is not determined by other people. You are worthy for being a survivor, for moving towards healing, for understanding that you deserve better. You are worthy and valued for being you.


Hi Renee
One of the things that I realized in my recovery and about setting boundaries, was that I can do something about some things. What your family member did was illegal. It is called fraud. This person “impersonated you” and that is against the law. Family members can’t even open each others mail! That is against the law too. I had to decide how far I was willing to go to enforce my boundary and part of that was about being willing to face their reaction to my boundary. (that they might just say goodbye to me and as always they would blame it on me ~ that my reaction was “over reacting” but really, is it??? NO. When someone takes your right and your choice, why is that over reacting or extreme? YOU were wounded. You have been cheated. That is the truth.
I didn’t come to these conclusions over night but they were the conclusions that made the biggest difference in my recovery. They were wrong… not you.
I hope my comments are not offensive. I share out of my own recovery and out of my love for truth.
Hugs, Darlene


Thank you, This helps me to feel better. I need you to share because I can’t see. Never offensive Darlene no not at all. I feel helpless when out of the blue something like this happens to me. That is one of the main reasons why I would stay away from family. My phychiatrist use to say not being a round family is not dealing with the dysfunctional within the family. I tried to explain that, that was true to a point and for other families probably true. I saw it differently. I felt more secure and less threatened when I had distance between me and my family.


Hi Renee
Well I agree with you. I strongly disagree that not being around family is NOT dealing with dysfunction! Oh my goodness. I could go on a major rant about that one! The thing about people is that they have a choice too. I can be around family and do nothing BUT deal with dysfunction. And I had to say NO to that. My family didn’t want to bother respecting my boundaries or to respect me. I would have a few powerful things to say to that Dr.
Thanks for sharing this Renee… Just becasue someone has a degree, does not mean that are always right OR that they know how to help others in relationships!
Hugs, Darlene


Renee – Darlene is so right! I’m very happy with two time zones and silence between me and my family. I’m very safe too. I don’t have to deal with their stuff and they aren’t in mine. That is a healthy boundary for me – 1200 kms might be extreme for some but it works for me. For those who are closer physically I still have built boundaries, and when I’m feeling badly or like my worth is questioned or attacked even I step further back.

I couldn’t see either, and I could have a rant along with Darlene, but the thing I learned was that for me staying away was healthier because my family has no intention of changing, acknowledging or respecting anything that isn’t about them first. My healing is my own, and they choose to disrespect it, then I choose to make my boundaries for me.

The last time I had a conversation where I was made out to be insane I was so hurt and then something in me froze, and I realized I could see through their game and I knew what they wanted next. I didn’t give it to them. I walked away. That was healthy for me. Like Darlene broke through her fog, I learned to trust my instincts and learned that it was okay for me to watch out for me first.

Many hugs Renee…


Thank you all for your support. I try to intergate into the family yet every time I do the rumor mill starts turning and I am always at the short end of the stick. It never stops, people who are suppose to be connected who are suppose to love you, critisize, say horrible harmful things. I hate it and it never stops. My youngest daughter has done so much damage to me and any chance of a relationship with family members is gone. She lies and says horrible things that will give her pity. I am tierd of trying and tierd of getting hurt. What hurts the worst is that if these family members would take the time and find out for themselves and spend time with me they would see through the lies and see that im a nice person. That even though I have different personalities that we are truely good and honest. We mean no harm to any one.


I doubt that psychiatrist would advise you to hang around people outside of the family who treated you the way your family does. I don’t understand the double standard. It is a good thing to remove yourself from harm.

How are you feeling?


I dont understand when you said double standard? I beleive what she wanted me to do is not burn any bridges that after getting healthy I would try to mend relationships. She missed the boat, it wasnt me that devalued my family members but the other way around. Why set myself up to be hurt again over and over. They still devalue me and I cant stop them from making those choices, but I can make the choice to stop being available to them to hurt me. And so I just answered my own question, thank you very much! Sometimes it is just a simple action like writing it down and seeing the answer is all ready there!


Pam and Renee, I’m loving how you are sharing and supporting each other. Renee it is true, sometimes when we see the thoughts in ‘type’ we can see the clarity that we don’t have otherwise. I’ve had people, well meaning and loving, ask me why I’m not ‘trying harder’ with my family. I’ve found that the best boundaries for me are the ones that protect myself and my husband and son. Those who are a threat of any kind have a choice to stop what they are doing or to stay away.

That feeling of double standard is one I’ve seen in and out of the helping professions. I don’t know why there is an assumption by some people that because you are seeking help and healing that you are also seeking some sort of reconciliation or that you need to keep those bridges intact. Sometimes bridges need to be burnt. (Okay ladies you’ve got me going on my next blog post…come by Scarred Seeker later!)


Scarred seeker? what or who is that. I have never heard of it. Thank you though, I in no way felt I needed to mend a bridge with my abusers unless it was watching them lowered into the ground. Sorry that is my honest to god feelings and dont figure on changing it, now or ever.


Scarred Seeker is Shanyns blog. There is a link to it in the body of her post OR you can click on her name here, to visit her blog there.
Hugs, Darlene

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